motheringwithmelanin-blog

[motheringwithmelanin-blog]

An unrealized fear...

As I've grown closer to the birth our first son, our last baby my anxiety seemed to reach a high point. I've spent weeks explaining to Patrick how nervous and anxious I am about the impending arrival of our son, I've prayed for since before Zoè. For weeks, I've been in agony. And for the life of me I didn't know why. I told Patrick I never felt like this the girls. By this time, I was super excited and ready them. I was not excited, but perplexed and worrisome. I prayed and asked God to reveal to me why I felt like this. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be excited. I want to be nesting. I mean this is what I wanted after all a beautiful little brown bouncing baby boy with curly hair like his beautiful sisters and myself. Well God as he always does. He revealed the reason for my feelings. We are raising little brown children in a society that doesn't value their lives especially our boys. I've known our girls would be fine because I had the lives of my sister and I as examples and we in my opinion have done well. Better than what society and statistics said we would being raised in a low to mid income single mother. I know how to raise a girl, because I am a woman. I know how to woman and I like to think I'm quite good at it. But a boy. I don't know how to be a boy, especially not a man. Yes, we will have his father to guide him as well his uncle/GodFather, and other strong black men. But as a mother, I still fear. He will be raised right, brought up in church, and be well educated, is that enough? Is that enough for him to survive as a black man in America? We will raise him to love his self, to know that we love him, and more importantly that God loves him but how will he feel when he is pulled over or followed in a store. I think about Pat, I think about Bruce those have been the two most important males in my life for sometime now and I still worry about them when they leave our house. Patrick was pulled numerous times when he lived in Marietta, GA because he lived in a "wealthy" neighborhood. Here he is a law abiding citizen, educated, good job and he is still subject to this because some officer simply thought he didn't fit into the neighborhood. How will my son fit into living in a wealthy suburban area of Dallas? I remember when we first moved here and Zoè was the only black child in the entire kindergarten. She came home wondering why everyone wanted to touch her hair in class. That was a hard talk for me. And makes me think of the talks Pat and I will have to have with Little Dude about his heritage and why people don't accept him. Will they know that his paternal grandparents immigrated to this country for a better life? That he is only the 2nd generation of Rock men to grow up in the United States. Will he grow to appreciate his African, Haitian, and Native American heritage without being afraid what what people will say? I want to protect my son. I want to protect my daughters. I want them all to be able to hold their heads up high and never be ashamed of who they are. However I can't lie the fear of the unknown scares the hell out of me. The unknown of bringing a little black or brown boy into this World that isn't ready to accept his greatness, is weighing as heavy on my soul. I will continue to pray blessings over my unborn son, my spouse, my brother, and every little brown or black boy in this World. Until next time may love be in your heart, wisdom in your mind, and laughter in your life. And your tea always hot or sweet! Until next time, Thea #rockstrong #atribecalledrock