mphuff100daysdomain

[mphuff100daysdomain]

I decided against the character design course because I read some bad reviews about the company’s practice and wasn’t too fond of the potential of having my account shut down for no reason.

I’ve definitely felt shittier this past week. I’ve only been scheduled 3 times for work this week (tonight being day 2 and Saturday being day 3), and I’ve only got 2 days on the schedule for next week.

I’ve compiled a list of places to apply to across two different job boards, but even though they’re all administrative roles, I feel that I won’t get the positions.

I’m trying to figure out how to get my art up and running again. I’ve been toying with the idea of making a purely review based blog (such as movies, shows, books, and maybe pet stuff). I made a patreon back in October, but I don’t want to start advertising it until I have the artwork in a steady fashion.

I just really want to be like Hank Hill, so happy of the job I have and excited to do an honest days work.

I keep forgetting that everyone in celebrity status today didn’t get there overnight. Some did because of viral fame, but most worked dead end jobs and in their free time worked on their dreams. I don’t know how to do that.

I need to work on a portfolio because most of what I want to do requires extensive portfolio of items I don’t have.

I just need to get my head on right again. It hasn’t been screwed on properly for a while now if I’m being honest.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

The past few days I’ve felt like such an utter loser. I looked at some different job posts last night after realizing it’s the first week of December and having the biggest doubt in my mind that there’s no way this store will ask me to stay after the holiday season (unless literally everyone up and leaves because there’s at least 2 people who said they’re leaving after this season).

I went to school wanting to do something in the art field, I got mediocre grades for it, but felt I stood out in the photography aspect of art. But I haven’t used my actual DSLR since mid 2017. I don’t have much in my portfolio for any of the things I fee I’m good at.

I found a $15 online course for character design that I’m considering doing to try and get back into drawing again. I bought a book a while ago called “How to not Always be working” which is supposed to be a creative self help tool.

I need to figure out where to apply to in an attempt to get more money squirreled away and get my student loans paid off faster.

I just hate me sometimes. And right now I hate me.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

Mood was fine until a kid decided to tantrum out on me, stomping as hard as he could on my feet, and then being a cowardly little fuck and headbutting me in the back when walking away with the item he had lost the privelge of having. Instant shit and anger the remainder of the day at work.

To quote Teddy from Bob’s Burgers “I spend all my time fixing things for other people, so who fixes me?”

Been staring at this therapist card for the past couple hours trying to figure out how to eloquently type “i’m exhausted, angry, and depressed af, please help”.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

Mood 3 i think?

I’ve felt very angry and awful the last few days.

I have to continually be “on” and an “adult” and “caretaker” and I just want to be taken care of for once.

I’m tired of continually feeling like a single mom with two sick kids. These aren’t even my fucking kids.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

The 24th, i think was mostly indifferent. Panicked when i realized I really needed to call our fire department to schedule the annual business fire inspection (it’s like 11 days overdue by the 24th), totally aced the call though.

25th, pretty decent. No real down moods. Managed to get 5 active hours on my fitbit. Had the fire inspection actually confirmed.

Extra uhhhhhhhh longing of sorts for most of the day.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

Mood 2

Weekend felt relatively productive. Decent mood, determined to get things done.

A little discomfort and unease im early evening of the 22nd, completely explainable. Went back to mellowed out and dreading work.

23rd, decent mood. Actually attempted to get 6-8 active hours with Fitbit. Still feeling determined to get into drawing groove again.

Will continue to monitor to see if a mood dip can be observed and explained.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

Mood project

7/19

I felt incredibly optimistic and good. No real explained reason for this.

7/20

Feel somewhat opposite of previous day. Day started off good, feeling very neutral atm.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#100

The protagonist reaches the final goal, you’re silently cheering for them as they realize they’ve accomplished the task set before them. After their cheery self starts to realize this, their expression seems to turn into that of confusion.

You: “oh god, not the ‘now what’ face!”

The protagonist looks into the camera, worry and confusion now washing over them.

What are they supposed to do now that they’ve reached their goal?

Well. Now what indeed.

You: “Boo this is stupid and cliché and why does everything seem to end like this now.

Me: [looks past the camera, past you, and into the horizon, same look plastered across my face]

What do I do now?

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#99

It bothers me when people want to act concerned about what i do with my free time.

While i agree i should be doing some kind of art, the game I play doesn’t make me feel like I’mnot good enough. Some days it does but then i get back to playing.

Art has made me feel like that for a long time. There is no real happiness here. I have no where to really go and do not know where to explore. I’ve been trying to crawl back into art. I just hope that one day Art will tell me I’m good enough again and that my voice matters.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#98

Cats are incredibly jealous creatures.

Or at least mine seem to be. Totally lovely dovey with me one minute, the second another cat creeps by to try and cuddle with me while said first cat is there, growling and hissing ensues.

Why can’t they all just cuddle me regardless of which cat is already there?!

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#97

Realizes that literally me and my partner are opposites yet compliment each other so well.

Then realizes that if we were characters in a book it would be so fucking overdone and played out.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#96

Downloads game everyone has been talking about.

Plays game for 5+ hours straight, sucking the whole time but having fun.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#95

Junebugs.

It’s mid July.

Your name is JUNEbug.

Why you still here, buzzing and bumping and touching me making my skin crawl????

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#94

“I need a new journal.”

Literally untouched journals spill from my bag.

“Nah like a new new journal” i say as i scramble to get the journals back into the bag.

“You know, like a fresh start” the journals come bursting through my work place door, towering above me as they start stacking themselves to prove their strength in numbers.

Trembling, “Or. I could just use the ones i have?”

The journals sigh deeply, shuddering and slipping back from their respective homes.

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#93

Let’s play a game called “what caused my headache?”!!!!

Was it:

-Lack of water

-Lack of caffeine

-Lack of sleep

-Trying not to cry

Or my personal favorite

-TOO MUCH SCREEN TIME

Audience, cast your ballot now!!

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#92

So tired.

So very very tired.

Zzzz

[mphuff100daysdomain]

#91

Grabs shirt with some attitude on it and pulls it on over heas.

Flashback to supervisor saying to dress nicer since a kinda corporate person would be visitng the office.

Throws on short sleeve button up and wears it buttoned up all day.

Well, they never saw my other shirt, so I guess I can wear it again right?

Right?