mrcharlieconnolly-blog

[mrcharlieconnolly-blog]

i never rlly thought about how my “final form” i keep talking about will still be my skin, my bones. im finding comfort in that. 

[mrcharlieconnolly-blog]

2/6/19 [9:17p]

i am not in the right body, ive known that for a while. i always told people that theres a disconnect between my mind and body, and for as long as i said that, i felt it. now i see it in my life. i do not associate who i see in the mirror with my idea of “me”, i used to at least associate them. i feel like i have come to terms with me being him, and that i have found the words to explain, at least a little bit, to the people around me. which is really cool. it also lets me look at myself in the mirror and make a conscious decision to feel comfort in the fact that this is not my final form, rather than that anger and confusion.

[mrcharlieconnolly-blog]

January 29 2019

Today i am feeling numb. My thoughts are loud and its getting hard to sort them out again and its such a frustrating feeling. the only words i can find is that i just do not fit in this body.

my brain and body feel so disconnected that my body will start crying but my mind is not on the same page, and i have no want to cry; i just feel numb. but my body keeps crying just enough so that i have to notice and to wipe my face. it sux. i really wish i knew why i was crying sometimes. 

yesterday was a really good day which makes today even harder. liam and nam came over to smoke and eat and i told liam, which i was avoiding for a long time bc i told myself he would have a negative reaction; he didnt. he did not skip a beat before calling us “boys”, and its funny bc he had absolutely no idea what that means in my eyes. kyle doesnt know that when he tells me that the last wing is all me “man”, that makes my week. i feel like im standing at the same group as every other guy around me and i rarely get to feel like that. its awesome.

once a see a gender pro, im gonna talk to them about the most successful way to come out completely: at work, school, family. im getting antsy and im ready to be genuine. 

[mrcharlieconnolly-blog]

Letter to Mel

Hi Mel,

I am so used to having you be close enough that i can just speak my mind and its not weird or too much. It's not like that anymore, and that is why i am writing this. I have no intention of ever showing you this but when i think about you, my chest gets tight and my brain fogs and i can not sort out how i am feeling. i am sort of hoping this well help. We're drifting apart for the first time in like 7 years and i feel like a part of my heart is being taken with you. I am so sad because i know i am missing out on you being just a good person, and it makes me sad to know that you are missing me becoming who i want to be. I like existing independant of you, and i think i understand why this had to happen. I get that it still does bc even though we're both doing good, it doesnt mean that we are able to put out lives in autopilot and to be in a very active long distance relationship.

but there is also this weird feeling of incompleteness w/ our relationship. when we broke up, it was weird and different than what i thought a break up was. we didnt break up because we fell out of love or because of anger or spite so i dont feel less love for you, i just dont give it to you everyday anymore. and right now, i dont know what to do with it, so it is sitting heavy in my heart and in my chest and all i want to do is give it you, but i know that it is not what is best for you right now; which sucks.  i think i understand now that your life (and mine, i just wasnt in a position to see it) could not be in autopilot any more. you didnt like where your life was taking you, so you are taking on life. which meant that you had to take a step back from somethings. obviously i wish that i could still be closer to you, and be more than just another person in your life, and i feel like to an extent we will always be more. but right now, it is such a weird feeling because i have alot of feelings for you and we just are not active in each other's lives anymore. it is a strange, new and uncomfortable feeling that replaced what used to be there. that is why i felt anger and sadness and regret because i had something good, something happened and now i dont have it. so logically to me, i want it back. but we're in a shitty situation because what feels good now is not what is best and that sucks. espicially for a 19/20 year old, because we are supposed to be young and stupid and make those decisions to feel good now and learn our lessons later. but we already did that and life has always forced us to grow up faster than everyone else so i guess we're just still doing that, but it does not mean it does not suck.

best case scenario for me is to be able to be that close to you again but have that closeness be a choice. thats how im feeling right now. i hope youre feeling good and that your thoughts are clear. im working on finding what to do with that love for you, it just feels like its going into a void right now. miss you dude.

love, charlie

p.s. im really bummed i never got to write you a letter signed like that

[mrcharlieconnolly-blog]

Jan 22 2019

Today I am feeling shitty. Its becoming increasingly clear that i am living on a completely different planet than anyone around me. I find myself to be obsessed with wanting people to miss or depend on me. It makes me feel wanted. I know thats super unhealthy and the worst part is that im conscious of it. my brain is totally aware but there is no way to snap my fingers and turn into a perfect man. I am deadset on becoming the best man possible, but i feel like im driving, in the dark, with no headlights, no map, alone, and my socks are wet. I am making moves to have a good support network that i trust and can be open with. but im realizing that this process is going to involve alot of waiting and i could at least draw myself a "map" so that when i have the tools i need i can make money moves, not just moves.

things i will make a conscious effort to do: - be aware of my intentions and wants before i start something (i.e. before i start a convo, what do i want the other person to know? how do i want to feel after this convo?) - find patience in moments where i think i cant (i can.) - meditate once a day - exercise once a day - if i am feeling emotionally overwhelmed, i am going to choose to feel it - i will be generous with kindness and give ("...just the universe rearranging itself") - be a strong 50% of every relationship you have (harvard study of adult development)

i am a strong guy. mom described it in a really good way today on the phone: she said that this is just my psyche unfolding like a blanket. each layer just holds something more, something harder than before. i wouldnt start something i cant finish.

endgame: to run out of scream before i run out of breath

[mrcharlieconnolly-blog]

Jan 9 2019

This morning i am feeling excited on the outside and vulnurable on the inside. I am feeling excited for all the things that i get to feel and experience today, tomorrow, this year and for the rest of my life. My chest feels heavier than normal this morning. I wonder why some days are better than others.

Today will be a good day. This year i want to focus on choosing to love my life, and hopefully myself. Today i will make a conscious effort to be kind, to listen more and assume less, and to be more present. I am lucky enough to be a human that realizes how precious life and happiness is at a young age. I am making a conscious effort to combat my recklessness with being an ambassador for love in a world that does not always make me feel loved; but you get what you give.

I want to give 1000% more love this year. My favorite feeling is making people feel good and loved. I like it when people like to be around me, for me. Because i like doing that, i will do it more.

Somethings i need to do in the near future are: - shower - laundry - buy books - read more - finish mom's rocks

this week's goal: go somewhere with the intention of picking of trash and do that. dont spend money. and leave your phone in the car.