musingsofmum

[musingsofmum]

Okay the end of the day..

I sit on the front step with the sounds of insects humming in the background.

It's 8:55pm. The littles are tucked away for the night and I am here now alone. Alone with my thoughts. ..

I've been taking my SSRIs as prescribed but I've been failing at halting my alcohol intake.

I don't know why I had to share that, but for some reason it was in the front of mind.. so out it plopped! Lolz. Anyway..for transparencies sake I shall leave it where it lay.

Today was a good day. I had "the baby" for the day as her ma & pa had a chance at a good days work.. so I stepped up for the wee ones sake. She was dropped at 5:45am mind you.. so now at 8:58pm I am knackered. She comes again tomorrow and then I have a weekend without ANY liitleones . Even our 2 baes head off for the weekend with their dad. It'll just be me rumbling around the little shack for the weekend! I do hope to make it productive. Mind you, I am also in the midst of rebuilding the black stateO.. so .. between that and the house I shall do my best. It's quite tempting to go black market and find some kind of chemical assistance.. but I won't! I shall just acknowledge the temptation, laugh at it and crank the music until motivation comes naturally!...lol..

At the very least some of both shall get done!

Well. I did say I'd be honest and this is now a diary of sorts.. so be it.. muahahahaaa..

Okay. So it's bloody cold here in Great Southern WA...but the sky is clear as! You should see the amazing star show above me!

I shall admire the stars for a bit longer..then prep for bed. Baby comes at 5:45 tomorrow!

[musingsofmum]

I'm turning this into a journal ladies. It's still for you but now it's also for me. I've got to share this shit in my head.

[musingsofmum]

#housinginsecurity is fucked. It hurts so very deeply..it's constantly running through mind.. always searching..hunting.. hoping.

It's hard to fight envy of others and their own security. I've never known housing security..Not as a child and now not as an adult. And I have you kids onboard. I'm taking you through the same shit I went through. Granted I'm more present than my own caregivers but STILL that doesn't change the raw facts. So long as I could earn we were okay. Now that's gone we are being smothered by my overflowing emotional insecurity and rarely touching ground long enough to catch our breaths.

I'm so lost right now. .

I always thought if I paid my bills and treated my home with respect, there would always be one available to me and mine. But that's not true anymore. I can pay the bills on time every time but it doesn't increase our security at all.

This house was good. I was so happy to have a space to land finally after all that camping.

It shattered me that it was sold so quickly upon us entering its doors. Now we count down again. Surrounded by boxes and disorder. I am the one. It's all on me. Im sorry everyone. I'm so fucking sorry I haven't gotten us over the line yet.

Our agent says "you sure sell houses" too bad it's not my earn..each one we've made our home only for someone to take it when the "lease is up". 6 months isn't a long lease at all. I'm not complaining I'm grateful to have this time indoors and I'm SO grateful to have been able to get you kids possessions and remind you of how our life can be.

I just wish it were a bit longer. .I'm scared of going back out there. And just in time for Christmas to. Fuck.

Either way I'll continue. I've got to.

#notmytimeyet

#musingsofmum

[musingsofmum]

So we are in the midst of our"camp relocation" and this is my view from where I sit.. I am safe. We are safe and we have finished our days labours. There is more work to be done but thats not for tonight.

For tonight we are finished and now we rest.

This new "camp" is surrounded by rural industry but I have to admit there is a sense of sanity and rhythm to the clangs, hums and churns..unlike the chaos of our former camps environ.

I was ao anxious ladies about this noise and now I see I shouldn't have been ..

It was nice to be by the coast..to glimpse the Great Southern Sea as I sipped my morning cuppa..that soothing cool of a summer evenings sea breeze..a hop & a skip to every amenity we could need and all that water for us to play in. Yup..it sure was lovely. Even though I'm glad to be out of rhere.. tbh - I would not fault the boys general behaviour at the property we stayed on either.. they surrendered their little club room and burnout pad for the clan & I.. with smiles.. I adored that moment of welcome.. They always chose to not "send it" near us so the camp didn't get covered in gravel dust .. it brought many laughs to hear the way their vehicles got hammered once out of sight.. They were pretty darn courteous, given their lifestyle. Like I said, I can't fault their general behaviour at all.

I'm sitting here looking at these flashing lights, I can still hear the leaves rustling in the wind. These deep and steady industrious sounds all around me but...

Just.

Yeah.

This noise is different.. and I have to say I prefer it...

Maybe I didn't get us a house just yet.. at least I've found a couple of room in someone else's we can use. And she is a lovely woman..

Love you girls

X

End of February 2022

[musingsofmum]

[musingsofmum]

F. E. Marie

[musingsofmum]

[musingsofmum]

So I can totally see why social media can be a big draw for many young folk. Whilst I'm proud you have both stayed away from FB and Insta I am well aware that DA and a few other forums you "share art" on are also social media. Knowing this, Ive gotta let you both know that social media has totally got you by the balls! AND now I understand why!! Today after creating this little insta net blog thingy ~ well ~ I wanted to post again about half a dozen times after "mums first post" 🤭

No shit .

Legit

I totally had a moment with a little Wren and wanted to share a pic and a lil impromptu poem that came to mind... And I mean I REALLY wanted to.. almost craved to make a little excerpt about it for ya..

And that's without a fan base or any kinda feedback.

I get it.

I get that it( the desire to digitise our day)s is not about validation... I sense it's some weird intrinsic desire to convey experience in Art form.

#SecondPost #iGetit

[musingsofmum]

So, you ladies have always said I need to record my words..do a TEDtalk or something similar... So I trawled the DuckDuckGo pond and came across Tmblr and here I am 😘

My plan is to fill up a space in here with my ramblings and musings for you to reflect upon later. So my words may "live on" 😌

Life's been hard for us lately, for this I feel so sorry. I just want you to know how proud I am of you and how you've faced these challenges and not surrendered into a dark funk like I know would be most natural to do.

To be homeless in the country is different to being homeless in the cities, for this I am most grateful. I am grateful for you both, my gorgeous twin girls who have learned so many new skills in these last month's of our crazy dance. Without your kind attention and fuck, your PHYSICAL help with lashing ropes, holding poles and carting water- I don't know where I'd be .. See you have done so very much to ease the pressure on me - the Matriarch of our nestless flock.

I remember wondering how "good" people ended up homeless. If you pay your bills and treat people with respect you will always be alright, right? Sadly, no. That is not always the case in this life filled with variables. Sometimes being a good human isn't enough and sometimes the next "break" doesn't happen and things simply don't fall into place. For me, when such a time came I chose to be super positive and flexible : no house? No worries we will make one on wheels so we will get by. No where to park up? That's okay we can stay on a mates paddock. Mosquito plague and sick kids? Okay then, we shall move to a hotel for a few nights or a week..until now, being camped with a broken down car on a site with limited water & excessive noise, having just received notice.

All the while searching for homes day and night but being beat to the punch because of a limited income ..Thankyou my ladies for being there when I simply couldn't stop crying back when we first arrived at this shed. Thankyou for being great big sisters and helping the babies deal with a constantly tearful mum.. Thankyou Tahnee for seeking your gratitude and for reminding me to seek mine... Your suggestion that served to slowly lift the Black Dogs breath from off my nape . Thankyou Storm for being my mirror - in you I see myself and I think you are fantastic..so in some weird semi narcissistic way- being around you helps me to love myself. And that's really big honey.

So in ALL ways..from relational to physical to deep within my inner psyche..having you gorgeous women by my side has helped me greatly. For that I am so very thankful..

I hope you see me trying to get us out of this. You see the ways every day I try an gift us all comfort. These things are all for you guys..every day I breathe. I breathe for you kids. I know it will get better..as much as I've said that and still we are homeless..I have gotta maintain faith that it WILL GET BETTER.

I love you girls.

Thankyou for loving me

❣️

#BlackDog

#Homelessness

#GreatAustralianHousingShortage

#fromMetoYou

#Mum

#LittleWomen

#Twinsattwenty

#gratitude

#Mumsfirstpost