mykaylamae-blog

[mykaylamae-blog]

Spirit Animals

A stranger once told me my spirit animal is an armadillo or a beaver. I was hoping to get something cool like an eagle, a dolphin, a tiger… but no… strangers see me and all they see is my shell. They want to crack me open and find out what is hiding underneath. I’m kind of like an m&m. Without my light candy coating I’m just a mess. At least I’m not a tootsy pop… A girl once said to me, “You’re like a rose that is just waiting to blossom.” I wish that was the case. I’ve done blossomed. I’ve felt the beauty of the world through the sun and the rain. I’ve been admired by some and hated by others. I’ve provided nourishment for an assortment of creatures. I’ve been sprayed with pesticides and withstood scorching heat and freezing temperatures. Now my petals are wilted and brown around the edges, some are falling off into the dirt around me. I’m just a pollen-less head attached to a stem waiting for some old lady to come and prune me off the bush. If anything I’m more of a weed, like a daisy or a dandelion, resilient and useful just trying to grow until I finally get mowed over by some fat middle aged man on a riding lawn mower…

[mykaylamae-blog]

Inspired

I'm inspired but I want more.... I want to be so full of inspiration that it's oozing from my eyeballs, dripping from my nose, seeping out of my poors, spilling out of me like an infection and spreading to the world.

[mykaylamae-blog]

Lost

So much has happened in the past 6 months, I almost didnt notice until recently but itʼs safe to say Iʼve lost myself. Sometimes you have to get so completely lost in order to find your true path in life. Where that path leads is still uncertain but with this dull machete I call my dignity, I believe I can hack away at some of what's holding me back. I found myself so completely lost and I panicked. I fell and got trapped in some nasty, thorny vines. The thorns began scratching away at my tender, and delicate flesh. As I struggled the deeper the cuts would get. The deeper the pain, torment, fear, anxiety....exhaustion… the urge to give up and let the forest take me. Iʼm not the type to give up no matter how hard things get. I learn from my mistakes... Iʼve learned that once lost, itʼs best to stay calm, BREATHE, think before reacting. I should know this, Iʼve watched enough horror movies, mocking the main character as she flings herself through the forest, flailing about as the killer just watches her slowly kill herself, as I the viewer sit there saying “OMG WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DUDE YOUR GONNA DIE HOW STUPID ARE YOU… Donʼt...do... that?!”

My life has become a horror movie. I need to work harder AND smarter. Take a deep breath, focus, embrace each and every PRESENT moment tenderly. No one is going to save me! I need to stay motivated & inspired or Iʼm going to die in here, or worse go completely insane....

[mykaylamae-blog]

Knowing what I want

I find myself floating in a state of mental clarity. I feel lighter, relieved… Every emotion is so strong bringing tears to my newly opened eyes. The fog has lifted and I can see clearly. I’ll find my way. I have changed the way I see myself and the world around me. I set aside all the things contaminating my being. Going over the last few months in my head is like watching a sad movie. A movie about a girl who was once beautiful, happy and respectable but got so lost and confused and became a piece of trash. A garbage person, barely human... a dirty animal, a rodent, a hissing, rabies infected, mutant with long scratching claws and course fur. A scrounging, dumpster digging rat crawling deeper and deeper in disgust, filth and self loathing.

I’m climbing out of the gutter, out of the dumpster, the rat infested sewer that has become my life. I’m going somewhere new where the waters are clear and clean. I am going to jump in and wash away the filth, the rot, and the shit that is coating my soul. I am renewing my spirit and finding peace. I’m going to BECOME the calm and serene waters that have cleansed me. I’m going to melt into them. I’m going to flow and ripple gracefully. I will become beautiful and pure once again. I’ll let the rain wash away the contamination that once filled my body.

I know exactly what I want now.

[mykaylamae-blog]

Bloody Mary of Destiny

As each day passes I believe more and more in fate and destiny and all those shenanigans.  Even when I’m trying to reject something the universe forces it on me…

I woke up this morning.  I rolled straight out of bed, threw on clothes, laced up my boots, hopped in the truck and went out for breakfast.  This is the highlight of my entire life.  Breakfast…. Doesn’t matter what day it is, what time it is, etc…  Pancakes, waffles, biscuits, bacon, coffee, potatoes, gravy, syrup flowing over greasy food like fucking Niagara Falls.  These thoughts filled my mind as I waltzed in the joint with tired, sleep crusted eyes and looked longingly at the bar tender.  I moseyed up and ordered the holy grail of breakfast fares.  The drink of Sunday destiny.  I sat there in my corner to read, get boozy and very fat.  I left a seat barrier between me and of course the one and only other Bukowski fan in the joint.  He had to go off on some spiel in which I tried to avoid eye contact and stare blankly into my almost empty glass of bloody Mary.  I was trying so hard to enjoy my filthy habits in silence.  “But hey, real quick, I know you are busy but you have to read this, it’s my favorite Bukowski poem…” he says in a very enthusiastic tone of voice for 9 AM chats with antisocial strangers.  He hands me his phone and I read….

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”  

- Charles Bukowski, Factotum

[mykaylamae-blog]

My soul is on fire.

There’s times in my life that I couldn’t be happier. It starts out with a strong feeling of hopelessness and confusion that somehow leads into this surreal feeling of joy and passion. I realize I’m surrounded by beauty. These people, these places, these feelings, I love them all. The bad ones, the good ones, the crazy ones, the peaceful ones, they rock me. My soul is on fire. My heart is burning and beating. I’m shaking. My breath is big, filling my chest. There’s a warm feeling in my belly radiating out of me. There’s a glow an aura of light shining from my spirit. My eyes are wet with joy. There’s a softness to my breath. My body feels like it’s floating. I can feel everything and nothing at the same time. Im an expansion of time and space. I’m multi dimensional. My thoughts are fierce and fleeting. My mind is melodically racing. My pulse is pounding like a drum. It’s rhythmic. My blood is pumping through my body. A stream of life and consciousness collaborating inside me. My soul is on fire. It’s a deep roaring heat like a volcano. I’m going to explode.

[mykaylamae-blog]

Country Home

Let’s spiral into this fantasy world I seem to be living in today. Queue the Twilight Zone opening music, circa 1962. Here I am sitting outside in a flimsy lawn chair by a big roaring fire. There’s a pile of seasoned wood waiting to be thrown on. Smoke rises from the flames. I’m wearing pants and a parka for some reason. My feet are wearing thick socks stuffed into boots. My hair is down, frizzy and damp from the moisture in the air, adorned with little pieces of ash from the fire. My crown. I’m playing a guitar. My fingers are red and cold but I play anyways. I’m singing as loud as I can. The sound floats away like a lost balloon and disappears into the atmosphere. I look around me at the landscape. There’s baby goats, chickens, a black cat hiding in the garden, birds, and bugs playing in wet green grass. I have a little dog laying by my side looking up at me with soft and curious eyes. There’s a big garden full of seasonal produce waiting for me to pick, big puffy dahlias with drops of water hanging onto pink petals. My house is a little cabin with big windows. It’s warm inside ad there’s something sweet baking in the oven. I take a drink out a warm mug full of steamy black coffee. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of fresh fall air. It fills my lungs. I exhale and open my eyes. I see leaves on the ground that need raking, fresh pumpkins that need carving. I feel a sense of serenity and completeness at this peaceful home in the country.

[mykaylamae-blog]

On June 24th, 2017 against my better instincts, or what is left of them anyways, I booked a stay at a cheap motel. I arrived around 7:30 P.M. to sleep off my woes and refresh my mind for the following day of debauchery. My instincts proved to be right as I entered the building. The moths were in a trance dancing to the hypnotic rhythm of the flickering ad buzzing lights. The table umbrellas surrounding the indoor pool were an ironic but nice touch to the overall ambiance of the place. As I entered the room I couldn’t help but wonder who had stayed in this room before me. Who was the creator of these stained covered couches, floors, and bedspreads? It was comfortable enough to sleep and shower for one night and so I did. A couple hours into the night I started to feel a slight chill given that I was only using the flat sheet as a blanket. I got up and tried to turn off the A.C. that was enthusiastically blasting at my face. There was no off switch. They only give you two options at places like this. One is you curl into the fetal position, using pillows and the flat sheet to provide enough warmth to make it through the night without developing hypothermia, or you cover up with a scabies infested, semen stained, polyester nightmare of a blanket that you know hasn’t been washed since the hotel was renovated in 2011. So there I shivered until morning.

[mykaylamae-blog]

Two weeks have gone by and I’m finally overcoming my guilt. I’m sitting here in this cafe staring into the abyss of the one and only picture I took in Leavenworth. As an aspiring travel photographer and writer, this is a damn shame. The guilt has been tearing away at my insides like a hungry lioness. Her teeth sinking into the soft flesh of my belly as I lay there awake watching my blood pooling out, rippling into her hot drooling mouth, as she eats away at my guts. There was so much to capture. Now it’s forever trapped in the dark, dusty cave that is my memory. That’s why I’m writing this now. The definition of soul searching is “a deep and anxious consideration of one’s emotions and motives or the correctness of a course of action”. I feel as though the farther I search the more I seem to get lost. Lets flash back to a couple Mondays ago. I’m sitting here in my cold, humid trailer. I’m wearing an old hoodie. My lips are cracked and bleeding from 2 weeks of sickness and what feels like a lifetime of too much vodka. My toes feel like melting icicles… My hair is a big uncombed, too much dry shampoo for too many days, dirty mop of a mess. My skin is almost slimy from the moisture in the air. I’m out of propane and my water is too cold to shower. My stomach is a dark and hollow, growling pit of desire but my fridge is a barren wasteland of celery, cranberry juice, and empty bottles of assorted condiments. At least I have this hot cup of 2 day old coffee that I forgot to drink before I left on Saturday. At this very moment, I couldn’t be happier. Saturday September 23, 2017 I woke up around ten and I decided to blow off everything and go to Leavenworth for the weekend. I met a friend and his cat named Bernie. She tried to scratch me. We hopped in his car and started driving. What a beautiful drive! It helped that I brought my flask and started drinking Tito’s half way to Leavenworth. We finally arrived around around 2-3. I’m not one to keep track of time except when it’s time for hiking. We hiked up a little ways and found a little cliff to literally hang out on for a min. Being the wild animal, half goat half human that I am, I climbed out a little bit and found myself a throne. I sat there with my feet dangling off the edge looking down at the river beneath me and the view of mountains and trees all around. The smell of that cool mountain air and the sun shining down on me. I layed on my back with my head leaning over the edge of the rock and my hair hanging down looking at the sky above me and mountain peeks, and trees. I’m covered in grass. I’m one with the mountain. I look all around me at the beauty of this vast landscape and I feel freedom. I feel fearless. I feel beautiful and wild. I feel full of inspiration and lust for life. After that, a little river time, and a smoke or 2… we went to a place called Munchen Haus. I got a brat and a beer. I realized I was in this magical place in the middle of the mountains. It felt surreal. I needed coffee. I got it. We went back to the car and found it unlocked and no keys. Where the fuck are the keys?? We retraced our steps and found them back at Munchen. The gods of beer and brats wanted us to stay forever. They liked us. We escaped with our dignity and went on to the next endeavor of bar hopping around Leavenworth. Skipping over the first few bars and drinks and straight on to the last hurrah… I walk into the bar and am greeted with a beer and a shot. Why? I say. Because… here drink it. Bottoms up…. now 15 drinks into my night give or take… Ha.. Ha… I realized these seemingly nice and normal people are a little more my style than I originally thought when one after the other they join me on the dance floor. Before I know were all dancing our asses off, doing the cupid shuffle, dicks flying out of pants, crude jokes, and titties flashing… Smiles all around. I like these people… My kind of people. We left to find a place to crash for the night. We can’t find a place in town and end up all the way in Wenatchee. A cop convention was taking place. My friend hates cops…. Somehow that got us an upgraded room.. The room was huge. I ran around in circles, jumped on the table… A hilarious hurricane of intoxication. We woke up and went back to town. Got breakfast, bloody mary’s at Kristalls. They have super comfy couches. Afterwords, I jumped in the river. It was cold as hell. After all of this, the only thing I feel guilty about is that I only took 2 pictures, one of a mountain the other a half cocked dick pic in the holiday inn in Wenatchee, not even on my camera. The things I missed were the bare dirty feet of this literal hung over man skating around in holy cut off carharts, my friend, this tattooed tornado, horizontal and spiraling around in circles around a red bowl, the cozy couple on a couch recouping from a night of drinking with more drinking, stolen antlers in a hot trunk of a car, my dirty shoes dangling off a cliff overlooking a beautiful landscape, the cutest little german town, brick buildings, planters with purple and green flowers, the happy, tired eyes of new friends.

My soul is a hungry demon. I feel it trying to claw it’s way out of my body. It scratches away at my insides telling me to feed it. The more I try to feed it, the hungrier it gets.