myonlinejournal2020

[myonlinejournal2020]

Hello April 2024,

I had a dream about him last night, he says my name then he add his last nams. I feel happy about it, I know it just a dream but for me it is really something.

In my dream, we are having lunch out so the place is sumgyupsal then we arw four my two workmates, me and my A. So while we're ordering he said my name while looking at me and I smiled because if feels like he is declaring something like he is dating me. So I'm really kilig when I heard it from me.

I like my A. Though we don't much talk to each other. But I am looking forward to see him again.

Today is Sunday and the weather is a little gloomy, (13:51) / April 7, 2024

[myonlinejournal2020]

How the year 2023 ends.

The days goes really fast, and now I am at the end of another year there are things that happen so quickly. I found a job, I don't know if its really for me but then I am greatful. I ended my 4 years relationship and now we haven't talk for a month, I'm sad that things happened that way but maybe that is all we need. I just want things to be good but of course there is always a challenges thata will rise later on. I just hope that I can still carry it to the fullest. I am wrong at some point in our relationship and I know that it is not easy for both of us. Here I am still in pain but days are getting better and I know I will be fine. I hope that we both have a wonderful 2024.

This is year will be the turning point for every one, and I hope that the turning point in me will be great as I have been under the dark clouds for many years, I just want to breathe without thinking negative. All I want is days that will bring bad good things. I somehow felt that there is always holding me back and there are days that I am not my regular self. I know things will be worth it later I just need to do the hard things first.

I met 12 new people and it is amazing up to this date, because they are all good, I am greatful that I met them. They teach me new things and of course my naive personality is so bad. Anyway there is something happen that the table turns now. And I know that it is all for the best. I don't know what will be our 2024 I'm praying that it will bring prosper and new friendship.

About my heart? It is still healing, and moving on. I keep moving forward, though some days I hope that he will be my last, but not anymore, I just want my heart to find a better one that will see through in my eyes the kind of pain that I don't want to experience again and he will be careful touching it. I just realize that I am so stupid when it comes to love. Why I said it? Because I'm loyal like a dog. I experienced abandonment from my EX and it feels like someone scoop and some part of me was taken away.

Yeah, I admit. I like someone now, and I keep thinking of him everyday like crazy. When I open my eyes in the morning, in the middle of the day until I fell asleep, he is the only one I'm thinking. I don't know anything much about him, just a little bit and I am happy that I can see him after his visit last April 2023.

I first saw him April 2023 and I find him cute. Sure he is smart to know who to trust he should at least say something. Then the next one is on June 2023 the training in Thailand. Yeah I had a chance to travel abroad, that is crazy. Then the last one is on November 2023, he only stays for a week and I am so happy to see him. Well the thing is, he always looked at me and I do the same thing. The two of us have a little time, and also quick moments but I always remember that, I don't know if he likes me or not. Or maybe he just watching me if I'm doing my job, I know at some point I disappointed him, I don't want to assume but maybe that time he is. Then he always touch my shoulder when he walk at my back. He is older than me, isn't that good? I like a man that is older than me. He always treat us lunch. And one time he is checking something on my desktop and his hand in resting on my cahir so I can't turn around and just stay still. I like him, and him around I always found myself smilling even more.

But I am hoping next year will be good, while I'm healing my heart, and fixing myself. I will be waiting until he comes and confess. Hahahaha... I will not do anything without a receipt. I like him but I can't chase him around he is too busy. I hope I will be the best gift he ever receive next time :D.

I like you my warrior.

I need my 2024 with prosperity and love.

December 26, 2023

15:46 (Tuesday)

[myonlinejournal2020]

For the last time : Accept the truth you are not meant to be together.

Huwag ka nang umasa pa. Kahit ilang tarot readings ang dumaan sa fyp mo, hindi na siya babalik pa sayo. Ganon naman talaga di ba. May aalis may dadating, kung may mapuputol may panibagong sisibol. Kaya wag ka ng mag alala kasi natural yung pinagdadaanan mo, oo masakit pero kailangan mong kayanin, may mga oras na gusto mong umiyak pero tatahan ka rin, huhupa din ang sakit na nararamdaman mo. Mag simula ka muli, hindi pa huli ang lahat. Kung gusto mong mag laro ng phone games go! Manuod ng mga kdrama go! As long you're happy and healing iyon ang importante. Kung okay na siya wag mo ng guluhin pa, di ba ang sabi mo gusto mong itama ang lahat oh eto na yun. Yung sign na hinihintay mo baka eto na. Na wala na talagang kayo. Okay lang masaktan pero dapat ka rin matutong tumayo, bumangon. Kaya mo yan. Kayang-kaya mo! May mga bagay talagang nangyayari na hindi mo na kontrolado pa, kaya anong gagawin mo? Move on. Natuto kana na sa relasyon mo, unahin mo na yung sarili mo kasi wala namang masama doon, mahalin, pahalagahan, hindi mo man masabi sa ibang tao may paraan ka para mailabas yung sakit na nararamdaman mo. Magiging okay ka rin. It takes time to heal, at ang sabi ko nga sayo ang hindi mo na kontralado i-let go mo na para na rin sa sarili mo. Nakakapagod masaktan araw-araw, pero kung hahayaan mo na magiging panatag ka at nakakasiguro akong maiiwan na lamang ay kaligayahan mo. Hindi mo kasalanan, wala kang kasalanan. Sa kaniya o kanino man, alam mo kung bakit, kasi ginawa mo 'yun para sa sarili mo, makasarili man sa panangin niya, kung hindi siya ang magiging sagot sa lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo sa puso at isip mo okay lang mag-let go sa isang relasyon na hindi kana masaya pa. Mainit sa dibdib kasi sariwa pa rin yung sugat sa puso mo kaya 'wag ka ng malungkot kasi mag move forward na tayo, kasi iyun ang kailangan mo. At iyun na dapat ang kailangan mong gawin din.

Tama yang iniisip mo hanggang kelan ka iiyak? Hanggang kelan ka aasa sa isang taong hindi na babalik pa, isipin mo na lang na nag abroad na siya. Okay din yun. If ayaw mong i-block siya go! But make sure na hindi mo na ichecheck pa yung facebook niya kase hindi kana part nung life niya. Tanggapin mo na wala ng kayo. Hindi na magiging kayo. At ayaw na niya na maging part ka pa ng life niya. Okay lang naman maging single at alam ko na hindi iyun ang issue, namimiss mo lang siya, yung pagkikita niyong dalawa nung August 23, 2023 isipin mo na panagainip lang iyun at hindi nangyari. Alam kong mainit sa dibdib pero hindi natin kontrolado ang lahat hindi natin hawak ang mga susunod na mangyayari pero magpakatatag ka kasi iyun ang kailangan mo. Alalahanin mo rin na toxic na relasyon ninyo kaya, kung nakalabas ka sa relasyon niyo its time to find someone that will make you feel safe and love at the same time respected.

Isipin mo na lang may work ka, may pera ka, okay katrabaho, nabibili mo na lahat ng gusto mo. Isipin mo yung dahilan mo kung bakit ka nakipaghiwalay, wala na siyang respeto sayo at hindi kana niya kaya pang mahalin tulad ng dati kasi tapos na yung phase na yun sa kaniya. Hindi mo deserve yung mga ganong pagtrato sayo. You don't deserved that kind of treatment, lalo na kung totoong minahal mo siya, at pinagkatiwalaan, hindi mo dapat naranasan yun. Magpakatatag ka lang lalo na ngayon na nakakaipon kana. Nakalabas ka pa ng bansa di ba. Maging masaya ka sa tatahakin mo at hindi mo naman kailangan na siya ang kasama mo sa future. Kung gusto may paraan pero hindi sapat kung iisa lang ang lalaban sa relasyon dahil ang totoo parehas kayong lalaban sa buhay.

August 26, 2023

(16:54)

[myonlinejournal2020]

At Last My Love

June 24, 2023

7:13 PM

Dear Emil,

Hindi ko naman ginusto na ma-inlove ako sayo pero nagawa kong mahalin at magtiwala sayo. Alam ko na minsan hindi mo ko nagawang lokohin. Pero may pagkakataon talaga na hindi ko na kayang gawin yung gusto mo. Hindi mo ba napapansin na hindi na tayo tulad ng dati na nageeffort man lang kahit sa maliit na bagay? Hindi mo rin ba napansin nung panahon na hindi mo ko gustong kausapin hindi mo rin ako nakikita, ni hindi mo na nga gustong makatanggap kahit text o chat. Sabi mo 'wag na kitang i-chat at iyun naman ang ginawa ko dahil ramdam ko na naiirita kana. Hinayaan kita kase ayokong dumating sa punto na ayawan mo ko at iwan ako dahil hindi ko pa kaya na ako na lang. Kailangan kita ng panahon na 'yun hindi lang dahil sa physical activity but also emotionally, you know what happened and what my family and me have been through, that chapter of my life seems so dark at some point ikaw lang yung escape route ko. Pero kahit ikaw nawala.

Sinabi ko sa sarili ko I will love you till it hurts no more kase hindi ko kayang bumitaw basta-basta at na realize ko na hindi na kita sobrang mahal tulad ng dati kase nagagawa ko ng hindi ka isipin araw-araw, unti-unting nakakalimot na ko kasi parehas na tayong hindi nageeffort mag-usap, kung ikaw tatanungin ko alam mo na hindi na tayo talaga okay. Nagtataka nga ako kung bakit hanggang ngayon tumatawag ka sa'kin ngayong alam mo naman na hindi na kita gusto pang makausap. Sinubukan ko naman maghintay ng isang taon, binigyan pa ulit tayo ng pagkakataon pero hanggang dun pa rin binibigay mo sa'kin. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo kase mahal pa talaga kita ng panahon na 'yun. Siguro dala na rin ng pagod sa paghihintay na marealize mo na nandito pa rin ako tuluyan na rin akong umalis at tinalikuran yung relasyon natin.

Minahal kita ng totoo at sa paraang alam kong mararamdaman mo, pero may hangganan ang lahat sa'ting dalawa the reason why we fell apart. Iniisip ko kung bakit sa buong isang taon ng 2022 anong iniisip mo sa'kin o sa relasyon natin kase napansin kong hindi mo na gustong abalahin ang sarili mo na pahalagahan ang relasyon natin o kahit ako. Pinapapunta kita sa bahay kase gusto kong makilala ka ng pamilya ko ng buo pero ikaw yung may ayaw, ako na laging pumupunta sa inyo kahit wala pa kong work nakakapunta ko kase gusto kitang makita at makasama, pero bakit hindi mo magawa 'yun sakin? Hindi ka naman minamaliit ng pamilya ko, natuwa pa nga sila ng sinabi ko na may boyfriend na ko pero mukang ikaw yung hindi proud sakin kahit hindi kalakihan ang ginagawa ko. Bakit?

Hindi ko na lang aalamin yung totoo kasi naramdaman ko na. Wala ka ng respeto sa'kin kahit sa relasyon natin. 'Yun ang ginawa mo sa'kin. Natatandaan mo ba kung kelan yung huli mong sinabi na mahal mo ko? Kasi ako hindi ko matandaan. Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong pakiramdam kung maririnig ko 'yun sayo. Hindi mo na kayang sabihin dahil ang totoo hindi mo na rin talaga ako mahal pa. You just need me because I've been so convenient to you. Just one text and you can access me. Hindi ko na rin sinasagot tawag mo kase natatakot na ko na baka bumalik agad ako sayo knowing you never really regret everything. And if I did return to you, things will conitnue repeatedly, I do feel like I'm stabbing myself and betraying me.

Believe me it’s not easy to let go, our memories together bind me. I've been through hell just to move forward not being with you. Kase ang gusto ko ikaw na rin sana hanggang sa huli, kaso hindi na mangyayari 'yun kaya naman hahayaan na kita. Please go, just like you did. Don't be bothered by me because I'm already part of your past now. The past should not be the reason why your present is shaken, right? Tapos na kong maghintay at habulin ka. At ayoko ng masaktan pa ng paulit-ulit dahil sa maliit at katiting na atensyon na kung kelan mo lang gustong ibigay doon ko lang makukuha. And I don't feel good about it, pakiramdam ko kailangan ko magmalimos sayo, kahit hindi naman dapat. Na dapat kusa mo ng binibigay sa'kin.

Sana naiintindihan mo talaga yung mga ayaw ko at alam mo kung ano 'yun. Hindi naman siguro mali ang umalis sa isang relasyon na hindi kana masaya. Hindi na rin tamang magpatuloy kung isa sa atin lagi na lang masasaktan. Hindi ko na masabi kung mahal pa kita kaya naman nagdesisyon na akong makipaghiwalay. You gave me one reason to let go and move on little by little, until my love for you no longer hurt me. That's the only reason why I stayed for 3 months more. Can you see now? I don't need thousands of reasons, I just need one, and that's you. I realized also that effort doesn't hurt someone, but it can kill a relationship. And for this time. We are both no longer making efforts. No movement at all. Stagnant until our love died.

I had so much hope for us and for that, thank you because of you I experienced to be loved at one point in my life, and to know what's really feels like being in a relationship. I want to move forward without hating you or having any issues with you, I myself have also shortcomings, may pagkukulang din ako sa relasyon natin dahil hindi na rin ako gumawa pa ng paraan pa. Huminto na lang ako. Please for the last time respect my decision, kung tayo talaga magtatagpo ulit tayo. At hindi ko sinasabi na maghintay ka, paniguradong makakahanap ka ng kapalit ko hanggang makalimutan mo ko. Ginawa ko 'to kasi ayaw ko ng magpakita sayo. Hindi ko rin alam kung masasabi ko pa ba lahat ng 'to sayo. Ayokong magalit sayo, dalawa tayo rito kaya hindi lang ikaw dapat yung sisihin, I should let you go when you asked for a break-up. That's when we fell apart in a harsh way, but I’m still thankful for everything.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet someone like you, you are my best gift at a certain point, I treasured all you given me, and I appreciate all those things you did for me. I want the best for us, and we deserve happiness even if we cannot be together anymore.

Emil, for the last time thank you and goodbye.

Sincerely yours,

Mae

[myonlinejournal2020]

December 12, 2022 - Monday

18:45

Hi, it's been a while right?

I'm not okay. Nakipaghiwalay na ko sa boyfriend ko. And he's asking me to show na nagdelete na ko ng convo namin. Which I didn't do. I don't think na mahalaga pang ipakita yun lalo na kung hiwalay na kami. Sobrang sakit. Sobra. Minahal ko talaga siya ng buo. Hindi talaga siguro kami para sa isa't isa, ang alam ko hindi na ko komportable at hindi na rin naman ako masaya sa relasyon namin. Pagod na ko, na laging nandyan para sa kaniya pero hindi ko man lang makita o maramdaman na nandyan siya para sakin. Naghihintay ako lagi sa kaniya na mag open siya sa'kin pero wala talaga. Hinintay ko siya ng isang taon pero eto yung kinahinatnan, naghiwalay na kami. Ako na nakipaghiwalay kase nasasaktan na talaga ako. Pakiramdam ko dinurog talaga yung lahat sa'kin. Sana maging okay na kaming dalawa kahit hindi na kami magkasama pa. Ayokong parehas kaming nahihirapan at nasasaktan. Hindi na rin kasi talaga tama, yung naguusap kung kelan gusto, tapos ako na yung umiiwas nung huli kase hindi na talaga ko komportable. Kinakabahan ako kapag tumatawag siya or nagcha-chat. Tapos ang lamig sa dibdib kase ang sakit-sakit talaga. Yung ang saya namin nung umpisa pero sa huli nasaktan parin kami. Akala ko, nung pinagdasal ko siya sa manaoag siya na rin ang huli ko, kase napapagusapan na namin kung anong posibleng mangyari kung hanggang dulo kami pa rin, sabi niya if ever na mabuntis niya ko magsisikap siya. We are both driven talaga sa isa't isa. We should be each other motivation, he fell out of love and ghosted me, and me, I fell in chaos. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sa kaniya pero kahit walang label gusto niya nandyan pa rin ako. Hindi ba niya naisip na paano naman ako. Ano hindi ako magtatry makakilala ng iba kase hawak pa rin niya ko? Ganun ba? Hindi naman pwede yung ganun, ang martir ko naman pala.

Minahal kita E, totoo. Hanggang sa maghiwalay tayo. Nagtiwala ako sayo, hindi ako naghanap ng iba. Naging loyal ako sa relasyon natin at sayo. Kahit may pagkukulang tayong dalawa, hindi yun naging hadlang sa'kin na mahalin ka kase alam ko naman na minahal mo talaga ako, hindi nga lang nagtagal.

Hindi ko naman gustong sumuko, talagang kailangan na. Ayokong mas lalong mapagod sa'ting dalawa. Sana kung magkikita kami sa future at okay na kami, at kung magbalikan man kami sana na sa tamang panahon na kami. Para magkasama talaga. Hindi ko na muna ipipilit, hahayaan ko muna na maghiwalay kami, pero kung hindi man kami magkita ulit at magkatuluyan okay na rin sa'kin, mag hahanap ako ng pagkakaabalahan at magsisikap sa buhay kahit mag-isa lang ako.

If You really are there, please heal us.. Heal the two of us, let us see the light after our break up. I really want to be happy. And I'm praying for him to be also happy. I hope we can find each other half.

For the last time, I love you E, and this is my goodbye.

[myonlinejournal2020]

Just why?

I once loved someone, I gave him love that I wanted him to received but like q villain, he just tossed it away like nothing. I tried to revived it but, it's just so difficult.

My love for him is real, with all honesty, loyalty and with no any question. I did love someone for the first time and he also the first who break me into tiny pieces.

I treasure him, and I though I found gold in him. But it turns out it's just all rocks. It might be heavier than gold, but the equivalent is nothing.

Like Taylor Swift says, "You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath". And there it goes I was hurt again.

I miss him, I miss everything we did together, I miss all love we says to each other. And not minding what other people says as long we are happy. All those things keeps lingering in my mind until now.

And how was he? I don't know anymore about him. He might dating someone else right now. And I'm just here stuck and abandon like a toy.

I'm sad, hurt, disappointed, anxiety kills me, and what more I feel like an empty person who only wakes up waiting for someone to fill me in. And just to realize that I have no one.

I want to move on, and take out all of my anxiety I got from this relationship, things are no longer right for me.

4:24 PM

July 26, 2022 (Tuesday)

#101onlinejournal

[myonlinejournal2020]

LOVE TO KILL

From what I experienced, being in a relationship takes so much understanding, forgiveness, and love, I'm not looking for a perfect relationship and I'm not asking my boyfriend to be one. I need him more than what he gives me, time and effort he had it, but things are really predictable now a days, seems like I distance my self from him unknowingly, he didn't greet me on my birthday, he didn't also remember our 3rd anniversary and now, he called every two weeks just to ask for something. It's uncomfortable actually and I don't like it. I know everything that's happening right now is toxic. Like I don't care what he does, but I'm happy when he calls, and it's annoying to watch my self fall into him again. And I decided to love him until I don't feel anything, until I won't care anymore of what the things that's he's doing or even if he's cheating, if he do that then I will karma move for my stead. I hate him but I also love him, but the truth is he no longer care about me. I love him and I know that I'm still holding on and maybe we are just facing new challenges, and I don't know what will be the result of it. It's either we will try to fix our relationship or be done with it. I still love you, and even though it hurts me. I hope things will get better. We're still together and I don't know what will be the outcome but I won't give up, not until I got tired from loving you.

[June 8, 2022 - 22:14]This is my 100th post here in my journal.

[myonlinejournal2020]

The Best Guy Just Left

It's started working as colleagues, and after months our feelings develop. And eventually fall in love. How's things happen escalated and I never thought that we will meet it's ends and now I feel pain that I never thought I will never felt. This kind of heartbreak makes my world shake. I feel so loved by him, but anyway people change and leave. Maybe that's what happen. I never had a chance to ask him, I don't think I could get an answer from him. I write many letters but I don't think is worth reading for him, when he no longer love me, so my words and letters are no longer matters. It hurts so much.

I'm lost, I feel abandon and I thought he will be the one. I trust him that what ever happens we will still be together, no one and nothing can stand between us. Funny how make myself believe to someone who never promise anything. It shatters me. I don't know how it works.

But why is it easy for someone to let go?

Hindi na ba talaga ako mahalaga sa kaniya? Minahal ko naman siya ng totoo, tinanggap ko siya ng buo, pero bakit para hindi enough. Talaga bang binitawan na niya ko? Naiiyak ako, knowing I can't do more to save our relationship. I waited until he comes back, and be gone like an instant ghost.

Is it really that's it? I feel someone stab me and I'm bleeding to death.

[March 24, 2022]

[16:51]

[myonlinejournal2020]

March 15, 2022

11:11

Looking back this is not what I wanted. I become intoxicated with the ideas of becoming someone else. I never intended to be this way, but I've been trying so hard to cover it. And I am afraid right now. No one knows how difficult to act as if its nothing and it's more exhausting to deal with it everyday. I don't want to show my emotion to anyone. I need to learn the art of covering and to wear a mask from now on.

[myonlinejournal2020]

December 9, 2020

Hi, nagkausap kami ng bebe ko kagabi at mukang malapit na siyang umalis rito sa pinas papuntang taiwan. Yes. Magwowork siya don as factory worker. Sana maganda yung company na mapapasukan niya. Baka next week pumunta ko sa kanila, di ko lang sure kung matutulog ako sa kanila. I'm gonna miss him kahit lagi kaming nagaaway.

Till next time.

Posted: 11:43 am (Wednesday)

[myonlinejournal2020]

October 19, 2020 (Monday)

Hi.

Oo may problema at gustong ayusin. Natin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang hindi mo alam kung ano.  Hindi mo ko pinapansin kapag hindi kita napagbibigyang gawin 'yun. Tapos kakausapin mo lang ako tungkol don. Akala ko pa naman ayaw mo na nagiisip ako ng mga ganon, pero 'yun lagi ang kwentuhan natin.

Simula ng gawin natin 'yun hindi mo man lang makontrol sarili mo. Ano ba ko sayo? Sa pagkakatanda ko girlfriend mo lang ako. Tapos gusto mo gawin ko 'yun lagi. Lagi mong sinasabi na nirerespeto mo ko pero hindi naman 'yun ang nakikita ko sa ginagawa mo.

Hindi naman kita sinisisi or anything, half of it is my desicion. Kase mahal kita. Pero mas mahal at nirerespeto ko ang sarili kong katawan. I have the rights to say NO. At wala na kong magagawa kung hindi mo 'yun maiintindihan. Hindi ako panatag sa mga ganon. Kase nakakatakot na makikita mo lang ako kapag kaylangan ng katawan mo. Sinabi ko na sayo nung nakaraan na huli na 'yun pero mukang di mo naintindihan o naalala.

Kaya ipapapaalala ko ulit. Hindi na natin gagawin 'yun. Ayoko ng gawin ulit 'yun over the phone. Natatakot ako kahit tayong dalawa lang ang nakakakita.  Sana naiisip mo rin yung mga ginagawa, kinikilos at sinasabi mo sa'kin.

Nakakalungkot na kapag naguusap tayo meron ganon na topic. Hindi mo siguro napapansin pero minsan ayoko ng ganong usapan.

Pero iniintindi ko na lang.

Sabi mo hindi natin kaylangan magusap. At okay naman sakin yun. Lalo na at wala namang paguusapan talaga maybe hi and hello once in a while. Pero kapag naguusap na tayo nalilihis sa ganong usapan.

It really  makes me sad.

Yung ini-ignore mo na ko kase ayokong gawin. Tumawag ka pero parang wala ka din kase hindi mo kinakausap.

Nakaka-frustrate kase feeling ko yung relasyonnatin umiikot sa ganong bagay. O ganon na talaga ngayon ang tingin mo sakin?

Sorry kung hindi ko maibigay yung gusto mo.

Sorry.

Pero sana tanggapin mo yung decision ko kapag ayoko talaga. I'm not blaming you. I decided to it because I really love you. There's always limitation in everything and you have to know it.

Posted: 22:56

[myonlinejournal2020]

October 18, 2020 (Sunday)

Hi.

I woke up not too early today maybe around 9 am but I decided to go down and eat around 12 pm. So far what I did for the whole day is eat play and do some hair coloring with my mother hair and do some pedicure. Then we ate the usual dinner after that my boyfriend called and we talk a little bit. Then after he said it, he never talk to me. Only today. Like do we always should do that? I mean, I did it once over the phone and I really don't like the idea. I just don't. I hope he understand that but I guess no.

I hope he does. I don't want to think his loved for ne is all about that. It hurts me. I feel I'm going to cry when he's like this. Ignoring me. I hate this kind of feeling because I only thing the negative things like, I'm not his girlfriend, he does not look at me like I deserve. He makes me feel that he didn't respect me at all.

I hate you for ignoring me when I said "no". Just because I did once you now think that I'll do it again. When I did that I feel that I didn't respect my body and I can't do that anymore. I can't. I'm not that kind of person.

I love you, I really do. You hurt me more than you could ever think of. Why can't you respect my decision. Or maybe you only see me that way. Don't I have any value for you.

It hurst me just thinking of that.

Posted: 22:12

[myonlinejournal2020]

October 15, 2020 (Thursday)

Hi.

I'm having a hard time right now. Don't know why but these past few days my apetite is not really good. And I barely eat properly. I also feel irritated as well headache. I've been feeling this symptoms for some days. I don't this is serious maybe I need something to do. I'm even stressed in anything. Aside that I don't have any job yet so for now I'm bot worthless in our family. (Why I'm thinkin that?")

Maybe this will be for now. I'm not really fine today, my emotions are up's and down and I feel more sleepy. Till next time.

(Its really annoying when it didn't save and I forgot all the things that I type. Sooo annoying!)

Postes: 19:49

[myonlinejournal2020]

September 13, 2020 (Tuesday)

I don't know how I'm going to start this, but I am happy right bow because I had a chance to see my boyfriend to be with him today. I really love him. So the reason he visited me is because of our certificate of employment (COE), he is mad because he didn't get his coe.

Then he came, he first change clothes and wash his hands for safety because its still covid. So we ate rice and shrimp, pizza and milk tea. I enjoy being with him because I miss him so much.

We had short kisses and I hug him tightly. I miss his smell. And we watched some movie until 5 pm.

He decided to go home by 5 pm because I don't want him to struggle on his travel. He got home by 6:50 so his travel is approximately 2 hours. And I'm glad that he is safe.

Hey bebe ko, if you had a chance to read my online journal, I'm grateful to meet someone like you though there are times that we fight for small things and there's also "tampuhan" and "toyoin moments" but still I love you.

Always be careful and give your 3,000% best in everything. I hope you'll be my last. I love you 😘.

Posted: 22:34

[myonlinejournal2020]

August 29, 2020 (Saturday)

I will write a letter for myself.

Hello, how are you everyday? Does it hard? I know things are really diffult for now but bear with it. Just for now. I won't say anything that will make you feel good.

I hope you doing just fine. I need to tell you something. This isn't a good thing. I need you to do this. Things aren't going to be easy and I need you to be strong. You have to be strong everyday. Just just enough, be strong more than enough. You have to be brave to rebuild your life everytime it'll crash. You need to be brave enough to face your own shadow. Have courage to take responsibilities and actions. Step forward. Move forward. Don't be scared. Life is already isn't easy to begin with. Life won't give you anthing to celebrate, unless you work hard for it.

Everytime you fall down I want you to pick yourself up. Pull yourself together and face everything that will comes on your way. Don't ever let your guard down or else it will come back and it will ruined everything you hardship. Things will get difficult as day goes by, keep you faith and don't ever be scare to step forward. Don't stop moving forward. Move even its tiny as ants. Remember ants might be small and fragile but, they are sure strong to lift their own food that double as their weight. You do have emotions and you have to let it out sometimes. There are people that will tear you apart and bring you down. Even if its hard, move. Don't ever let them stop you.

You need to be strong, brave and courageous to face everything the will comes on your way. Keep you hope and faith, better days will come for you and you deserve it. Until then, don't ever put down your guard and learn to protect yourself from harmful surroundings.

[myonlinejournal2020]

I'm tired acting to be someone that I am not. I don't want to be here anymore. Why it so hard to live? The life that I want. Why is too far from me? I just want to stop. I want to stop. Its so hard. I don't know what keeps me alive. My life is chaotic.

~August 27, 2020 (Thursday)

[myonlinejournal2020]