mysisterskeeper - Tumblr blog

mysisterskeeper · 2 years

Text

The last few days have been some of the hardest, so far on this horrific journey. We had my baby cousins baptism and the dinner following was at the same place we had the repass meal for my sisters services. to say it was hard to be there is an understatement. yesterday, all i could think about was that night three months ago and what i could've done differently in hopes that there was a different outcome. i stepped foot in her room yesterday for the first time in months. and the tears were just nonstop. looking at the posters of pictures put together and the poster family and friends signed for her that are now displayed in her room. She was my one true friend, the best one i will ever have. she knew me better than i knew myself and although we had our moments of not getting along, we knew that we could always rely on each other when needed. she never once turned her back on me, even when everyone else seemed like they did. we went through so much together and were there for each other. sometimes we said that as long as we had each other, we didn't need anyone else. we even looked at apartments for the two of us as we began our adult lives. i wanted her to go back to school and graduate with me. she had so much potential and she really wanted to change the world- i knew she could, but i don't think she believed in herself enough. if only she knew just how many lives she did touch and change just by being a part of them. i know that i am forever changed because i knew her and had the pleasure of being her sister and friend for almost 29 years.

i woke up this morning feeling mentally paralyzed. so down, depressed.. heartbroken.

I miss Suzie so bad and it is so, so painful to know that all of the memories we have are all we have for the rest of our lives. we will never be able to make new ones. if i ever get married, she won't be there to be my maid of honor like i always planned for her to be and i won't ever get to be hers. she was robbed of her opportunity to have a better life for herself and showing the potential she has. she wanted so badly for her 30th year to be her year. she was hoping that this year would prove that not all of them will be the same and she did not get that chance.

i just want to scream when people tell me that she is in a better place and that it was god's plan. i'm sorry, but i cannot accept it. she did nothing to deserve this. she had a heart of gold, would and probably has given the shirt off her back without question. and there is just no acceptable reason for this. she's not in a better place, a better place would be here with our family, watching Ava and all the things shes done and has learned in the last few months. she should be here, making something for herself like she wanted to, having a family, like she wanted to. and it's just destroying me that will never happen.

there are so many things i told myself i was going to do in her honor but these days, i am struggling to even get out of bed. i know i said i would do them and i fully intend on doing things that i said i would do but right now, i am struggling now more than ever. every day gets harder, every day my heart breaks a little more. the flashbacks of memories with her, the flashabcks of that terrible night. constantly thinking im seeing her when i know, it's not and will never be her ever again.

thinking about it, i'm really just so disappointed in so many people. the people i thought would be there, really aren't there. i'm home all day basically every day, hoping someone could come and hang out with me. anything, really.. i get people are busy and have their own lives, completely understandable but all i could use right now is a friend.. i've never felt this lonely and alone before. there's only so much someone like jack can do when he works 15+ hours a day and his hours are unpredictable.... have there been a few messages/phone calls? yes, there has been and i won't ever try to say there haven't been but more times than none, it's from the same person- one of the sweetest people i've ever met, actually. we met in high school and never were really friends but we definitely knew each other... and the last few years, we became friends and i am so thankful because she's truly one of those people that you need in your life. and i'm thankful she's in mine. - if you're reading this, i hope you realize it's you i'm talking about. only other time i see anyone is the days i am at work and i really don't talk much to people there either and it is because it is hard to be there to begin with but i do it because i still have a child to take care of and even though i'm struggling, she still has needs that need to be met.

My sweet, sweet sister.. the amount of love and sadness i hold in my shattered heart for you is overwhelming. i am so, so sad and heartbroken. this wasn't supposed to happen. we weren't supposed to live without you... i would do anything to have you back with us. i love you and i will always love you. forever.

please, watch over Ava, mom and baba. we are all hurting but our main concern is the three of them.

rest in peace, my sweet angel.

always on my mind, forever in my heart.

I LOVE YOU <3

0 notes

mysisterskeeper · 2 years

Text

That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt

I have never been more lost in my entire life. I sit there day after day, just trying to make sense of what happened.. of what reality is now. I go back in my head numerous times throughout the day, replaying memories of when you were still here. I go back in my mind, trying to figure out how I could’ve changed what happened but I keep coming to the heartbreaking realization that there was nothing I could’ve done and it is honestly destroying me. I know my family can agree to that. I never felt pain this deep.

My sister, Suzie is truly my best friend. We have been through it all together and while we have had our moments where we weren’t happy with each other. We’ve even gone a few weeks without talking but I constantly worried about her and just hoped and prayed she was okay. All i wanted was for her to be happy and safe.

We shared a room for 23 years so we were always together. A year apart so obviously went to school together except a year where she’d move on to the next school. We would hang out with our friends together all the time, spent almost every Friday and Saturday at the mall with our friends. While we have three other siblings, I definitely had the closest bond with Suzie than I did with my other sisters and my brother.

We really did spend so much time together before she became a workaholic. We had lunch or dinner dates, went to Michaels and just truly enjoyed each others company. She was the only one who showed up for my 21st and 22nd birthdays when i wanted to go out for drinks and no one else came out. for my 23rd birthday, she had work very early that next morning and yet she still took me out despite how little she slept that night.

I remember when Suzie moved into her dorm at Kean, that’s when we stopped sharing a room. I remember being so sad and missing her, even when she was only 40 minutes away... it felt like hours away. There was one time where I actually drove there to hang out with her. I met up with her at her art class and met some of the people she would talk to during the course. We ordered dominos and hung out at her dorm then decided to go out with some people. I remember getting home super late and having school the next day so I was super tired that next morning but I’m happy I went to go visit her.

I went on my first vacation with friends for the first time in 2015. I invited Suzie along and even treated her basically the whole time we were there. She got a tattoo and I sat there with her, offering my hand if she needed it to squeeze. We had such a great time together in Miami... honestly though, we always had a good time together. One of the nights we were there, she and I went to dinner together and there was a chair that she sat in and she said she felt like a queen on her throne sitting there. I remember being on the plane, I was so scared of flying but i held (basically almost broke) her hand squeezing it so hard from the fear of being in the air.

Fast forward 3 years when i found out I was pregnant.. I remember when we told her about it.. her first reaction was shocked but she never, ever turned her back on me. She was there for me, even the day i was in the hospital bleeding and thinking i was losing the baby... she was there with me even though she had these plans she was really looking forward to.. but she stayed by my side until someone was able to come be with me. i actually have the selfies she took of herself on my phone while i was getting an ultra sound done. she heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time that day and she was in awe. After Ava was born and our first night home, she actually slept in my twin sized bed with me and helped me that first night get up with her.. after that night, i slept downstairs on the couch because it was easier and she slept down there with me and even got up for the baby before i did to let me get a little bit of rest in between her waking up every two hours. she adored Ava and she was supposed to be her god mother.. my dad has been wanting me to baptize the baby for the longest time... and now more than ever, i regret not because i lost the chance of her becoming the god mother like she was supposed to be.

We went to ocean city this summer in July.. and were able to go back a few weeks later.. this time, suzie came with us. she was the only one of my siblings that got to be with Ava at the beach. she even went on a rollercoaster, though small, jus to be with Ava too. Ava and suzie argued like siblings but boy, the love was there. she will always be “her suzie” and ava will always be “her Ava.”

I keep thinking to myself how i wish i worked more because then i would’ve seen and spent more time with her because she was at work basically every single day. it was rare that she had the day off but the times she did, she would sometimes come to the apartment to hang out with us and I just love those memories so much. i feel fortunate to have worked with her too because the times I was at work, that was extra time i was with her.

it’s not even understandable how much i miss her.. this pain i carry everyday is so overbearing. i’ve been struggling with anxiety before her passing and i remember having rough days and she would talk me through it.

the night after her 30th birthday, Summer, Karl, and I went out to applebees for a late night appetizers like we always used to. we almost didnt go because suzie was in a mood and really cranky but we did and im so thankful we did because that was the last timet we really hung out... i had school the next day and by the time i got home, she had already left for work. the next day was the last day i ever saw her and i cannot believe that is reality.. that the last time i ever saw her was tuesday, august 31... she went out with her friends to celebrate her birthday.. while we spoke a few times thru text and probably on the phone... that was it. i miss her face, i miss her voice, her laugh. i miss everythign about her.

this is god awful. it breaks my heart seeing my parents as heart broken as they are. seeing my dad cry is so horrible, my mom too of course but my dad just breaks my heart to see.. no parent should ever go through that. and i hate that my parents have to go through this awful nightmare. i hate that my sister is gone and that there’s nothing we can do to change it. i just want to scream, throw things, break anything, i want to snap my fingers and just bring her back.. i want her to be happy and healthy. i want her back home. i want to see her in the apartment to do laundry and just hang out with us. i want her to come spend time with Ava and i .. i just.. ugh. want her back :’(

i love you , suzie. i will live the rest of my life doing things in your honor. the way you wanted - to impact others.

please watch over us, especially mom, baba, and ava.

1 note · View note