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mystery0028 · 6 months

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Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

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mystery0028 · 6 months

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so Jason just... Dug himself out of the ground... No explanation...? No Lazarus pit...? Cant use the excuse he came out wrong anymore then

OK. gonna. break this down. this gets kinda ranty! sorry! this is also talking specifically about how things are presented in canon before the New 52, just to clarify

"so Jason just... Dug himself out of the ground... No explanation...?"

So yes he dug himself out of the ground but there is an explanation, it's just a bit complicated if you're not super in-tune with what was happening in the DC Universe around 2005-2006, because comic books are (for better or worse) interconnected in complicated ways.

That's why the movie version changed his resurrection to just a Lazarus Pit, because trying to explain that "Superboy-Prime punched a hole in reality that sent ripples of change across the universe 'righting wrongs' such as Jason's death" to a person who turns on a movie with no prior comic book context is just not going to go well.

But that is what happened. The comic arc about Jason's return as Red Hood* happens partially overlapped with Infinite Crisis, the big continuity-altering event happening at the time in the DCU with Superboy-Prime.

*(These days we generally call the whole thing 'Under the Red Hood' due to the movie and the more recent trade, but the first collected edition of it called the storyline 'Under the Hood'. As originally printed in the Batman comic the storyline is made up of smaller sections: Under the Hood in Batman #635-638, Family Reunion in Batman #639-641, Show me Yesterday, For I Can't Find Today in Batman #645, Franchise in Batman #646-647, All They Do Is Watch Us Kill in Batman #648-650, and an aftermath story to explain what happened with Jason; Daedalus and Icarus: The Return of Jason Todd in Batman Annual #25)

Superboy-Prime literally punched reality and that's what caused Jason to suddenly wake up alive in his coffin.

(Batman (1940) Annual #25)

So yeah! There is an explanation: That glowy continuity-altering energy made him wake up in his coffin, and he then dug himself out.

"No Lazarus pit...?"

Yes Lazarus pit, just after. The pit was still involved, but it wasn't the thing that resurrected him.

The complicated thing about the 'Superboy-Prime punch' method of resurrection is that it's more of a... restoration. This energy essentially returned him to his previous state he'd have been in if he hadn't died... so he became alive again but retained basically all the injuries that had killed him, they just didn't actually kill him now. So after he climbed out of his grave he fell into a coma pretty quickly

(Batman (1940) Annual #25)

He stays in the coma for about a year, then wakes up but is still in a catatonic state working just off of muscle memory because of the damage from all his injuries. According to the original way it's presented to us (Batman Annual #25 and Red Hood: Lost Days have a few very minor differences in how they distribute time when explaining this period of his life, but I'm gonna stick with the Annual's timeline since I'm mostly talking about the UtRH story as initially written) Jason lives on the streets of Gotham for approximately a year this way before Talia Al Ghul finds out about him being alive and takes him in.

He then spends another year in this catatonic state while under the care of the League of Assassins as Talia tries to prove that he's worth keeping around. When Ra's decides that Talia is putting too much time and effort into this, he decides to send Jason away promising he will be cared for but wanting him to stop being her priority. In a last ditch effort, Talia defies her father and pushes Jason into the Lazarus Pit, which then heals his mind

(Batman (1940) Annual #25)

So yeah, pit is still involved, but all it healed was his mind (and I mean it probably helped heal any lasting injuries that hadn't healed well over the last few years for him too) rather than fully bringing him back from the dead

"Cant use the excuse he came out wrong anymore then"

I want to make this so entirely clear: that could basically never actually have been used as an excuse if you were trying to follow comics canon with him as it's presented. Yes, I do mean even with the pit still being involved. Jason Todd is the only person responsible for his actions, not the Lazarus Pit.

I really blame the Under the Red Hood movie for pit madness misconceptions among the fandom with him, because of the line Jason says to Bruce:

"Oh, you got to talking to Ra's, huh? Does it make it easier for you to think that my little dip into his fountain of youth turned me rabid? Or is this just the real me?"

Because for a lot of fans yes, it is easier to believe the pit did that.

No conversation like that happens in the comic version, because during the events of the story itself we don't actually find out how Jason was resurrected or basically any of what happened with him between death and the current moment! It's all explained in Daedalus and Icarus: The Return of Jason Todd in Batman Annual #25 afterwards. (Also not to mention how Ra's had no real active role in it in the comics, the Lazarus Pit stuff was all Talia)

But even aside from that, the concept of Jason still dealing with pit madness (rather than just like, dealing with the trauma of knowing he was so far gone he had to be put in a pit to heal) like, close to if not a whole year after he went in the pit is... not how that is shown to work in canon. I know it can be a fun concept and like in fan content people can go wild and do whatever they want, but this is one of those fanon things that a lot of people don't realize is fanon because of just how common it is.

Now, i'll admit that comics and even specifically comics regarding Lazarus Pits aren't the most consistent with one another, but there are so many characters who have been dipped in a Lazarus Pit to heal things far more severe (for example: actual death) than Jason's situation (just healing his mind)... and neither Jason or them get depicted with longterm/semi-permanent pit madness the way fanon does it for Jason.

Cass for crying out loud is one example, she gets killed in Batgirl #72 and resurrected via a pit in #73, and based on her dialogue with Shiva is implied to overcome her pit madness during that one conversation. And even though she acted OOC as hell for a while afterwards (evil Cass arc my detested) it was later explained as brainwashing by Deathstroke, not pit madness.

I'm out of image space but I also just think about this page from Batman and Robin Vol. 1 #9 with Damian specifically saying that pit madness would have worn off in far less time than it takes to fly from England to Gotham. Like, this is a 'typically under a day if at all' type of phenomenon most places I'm aware of it being talked about in comics canon (i'm pretty sure... the arrowverse shows do a more long-lasting bloodlusty thing with it? i haven't watched any of those shows in so long but I feel like that was an element. maybe thats where some of these ideas come from too, but stuff in that universe does not apply to the comics unless specifically said to be incorporated).

It is true that it's mentioned/theorized pit madness like, lasts different amounts of time for different people (and also how many times they've been in the pit can play a role) so that's something to bear in mind... but like the only example I know of where one dip in the pit really altered someone in more permanent 'driving them mad' ways was with Nora Fries during Batgirl #69/70 bc she absorbed stuff from the pit. Within the story it's explained as because she'd been dead a longass time and frozen and experimented on etc etc by Mr. Freeze, making her an exception not the rule (and also from the second she steps out of the pit it's clear shit is off, vs in Jason's restoration he's talking normally almost immediately, they're very clearly different situations) Here's a list with some examples of canon pit use for consideration.

The thing that drove Jason to become Red Hood was his emotional state coping with the fact that he'd been murdered, feeling unavenged/like Bruce didn't care enough to avenge him, and reinvigorated feelings (that were semi-present even when he was Robin, and not just after retcons but at the actual time in the 80's too, that's basically the whole point of Batman #424) that Bruce's no-killing methods let too many innocent people fall through the cracks and get hurt. It's his trauma that drives him into 'going mad' and becoming the Red Hood, just chalking all of it up to vague 'pit madness' cheapens the whole thing. The pit can be an element, because knowing that you somehow came back to life but were so broken and unable to function that you had to be shoved in a magic hot tub to be able to have your brain back is all kinds of fucked up, but that's trauma from the situation itself not the magic effects of it.

And like... I know people also like the 'pit madness' reasoning to explain things like Battle for the Cowl, but... trying to take the blame away from Jason for his own actions weakens his character imo. I know there's a lot of bad and inconsistent writing, and it feels easier to just wipe them away with 'oh well it wasn't really his fault' but... Jason (particularly pre-reboot) is extremely unstable because of everything he lived and died through, it's trauma, blaming the pit for it when there's no real evidence that plays a significant role (beyond a line from a movie adaptation that heavily alters the story) just... will never make sense to me. It makes him as a character far less interesting.

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mystery0028 · 1 year

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When the honey showed up, we all just took it inside. That was one of the things about it - it was always a little warm, always in the same simple jar and the nice plaid bow. Handmade-like. Most of us put it in our pantries or in the back of our cabinets, some put it in the fridge. we just thought to ourselves: gee, what a wonderful present.

I don’t know how long it took before we all had one. For a while, the most that would happen was two-minute feel-good op ed pieces in local newspapers. People would run little letters to the editor to find out the “culprit”. Sometimes there were faux-serious “investigations” when that parent freaked out about the possibility of drugs in honey. Most of the time, it ended quickly. After all, it was a nice gift from a neighbor, and it was yours. that was another thing. A house could be 122 people, and we’d all find our own jar on the doorstep, one at a time. we would know when it was ours and when it wasn’t, no matter how alike they looked. nobody ate it, at first. It was yours, and you wouldn’t eat it, and you couldn’t eat another person’s. it just wasn’t done. and the thing is - in that imaginary house, of 122 people? we’d all buy other honey. it was both there and took up space - but none of us thought of it as actually existing. we’d put down our storebought honey right next to it and think - why did i buy another? i’ve wanted to try this one for a while. and then the thought would simply be out of our head, because this is our third bag of baby carrots we have bought to let spoil again.

it was that one person who mentioned it on youtube. actually i think it was a vimeo “urban legends” series. some person with 6 followers who deleted like instantly. but then 6 people said something similar: everyone they knew had this one specific honey story. and then 12. and then all of a sudden we all woke up to “#honeyonthedoorstep” globally trending. we all posted our pictures of our honey and called each other liars and got into discourse fights with vegans and people without a sweet tooth. In 24 hours, it was running the media. 9-at-night serious news anchors leaned over to each other and said “now john, did you hear about this?” and despite their disbelief, they’d admit: i got the honey too. I think somewhere in march. maybe around the 5th. but i never ate it or thought anything of it. i just thought - what a nice gift.

By the end of the week, there were YouTube challenges and instagram memes and a netflix miniseries in the works. Lots of people tried to eat their honey, and most who “succeeded” were deemed a hoax - but truth be told? it’s not good tv to watch someone pick up honey and say “actually it’s not ready” or something similar and just decide to go do something else. i tried once, winedrunk and thinking i could be famous because it’s just honey. and i remember thinking that exact thing - it’s not ready. i realized i needed to go do dishes, this was stupid and kind of cringey.

and people freaked out, of course. outside of the jokes were parents who were asking if their children would get a jar one day, if this was a one-time thing. there were so many conspiracy theories the government finally had to say something (not that any of us were actually listening), there were massive hunts to find “the team of honey dispatchers”, there were plenty of false confessions, there were rallies to destroy the things. i don’t know if anyone actually did, because in the end? it was just a jar of honey, and it was yours, and it would be a shame to throw it at the floor just because the internet told you so. I moved three times that year - grad school, job, other better job. i always took mine with me. it wasn’t a real choice, it was just… like taking a plate that belonged to your grandmother, or carrying a song stuck in your head. it was just something that was going to come with, but it bore no special attention. and then back into the pantry it went.

two weeks later? we all just… moved on from talking about honey. it was in some memes, it was in BuzzFeed’s “top 5 weirdest stories (that are actually true)”, it was going to be the central plot of books and horror movies. but it wasn’t interesting, not really, anymore. it was like saying “all people need food”. it was just true, and not really changing. every consecutive conspiracy video got less likes, and by the end of the year, it was old enough to be a staple in bad stand-up comedy and in coming-of-age children’s shows.

nobody believed the first ones who ate it. the most traction that those posts got were from friends and family who barely remembered the whole fad. we all just figured it was a weird annual resurgence kind of thing.

but then people were definitely, absolutely, 100% eating their honey. i think i heard about one of my coworkers first. i didn’t know her; she was in another department. she told everyone it was very similar to “normal” honey. just a little tarter than she’d expected.

twitter was in an uproar. the honey was sweet to some. spicy to others. horrible, bitter, like a thousand stingers. it was perfect, it tasted like summer. most people said: it’s just honey, and absolutely regular.

those of us who weren’t ready were biting our fingernails for a while, going to our pantries, wondering - what the fuck do i mean it’s not ready? but it wasn’t ready.

like i said, it’s warm, always. But you just… know. one day you realize you really want honey on toast. or honey on tea, honey on a banana, just… honey. i remember opening it, but it didn’t feel like any more interesting than going to the cabinet for honey ever feels. i pour mine, usually, skipping a spoon because i’m usually too lazy. i was already in the middle of my meal before i realized - this is the honey. it’s not just a normal breakfast, it’s the breakfast, holy shit.

mine is just, you know. honey. it has a little hint of spice and sweet to it, which i actually quite like. it reminds me of this red pepper jelly my family used to get, and it makes me happy. but in the end? it’s honey. i don’t feel like i’m connected to a seventh realm. it’s good on oatmeal and bad in coffee no matter what some of you will tell me.

it’s just, you know. once you get your jar, and it’s ready, you have a little honey roughly every 24ish hours. it’s nothing absurd. it’s just honey, i mean - it’s like saying “you’re alive, so at some point, you should probably eat.” Most of us, it hasn’t really changed our schedules. it doesn’t seem to ever run out, which is good, because we’re always forgetting to check to see if we need more before we go shopping. for most of us? you don’t die if you miss a few days, even a few weeks, you don’t go crazy trying to get it back. sure, there’s weirdass cultists who worship it, but most of us just seem to think - it’s nice to have, and it’s okay to want this thing.

now, there’s some stuff out there, you know, about what it all “means”. and honestly, we all notice things. i’m not the only one who has seen that good people tend to think their honey tastes good and eat it normally. bad people tend to eat their honey frequently but hate every second of the eating. there are plenty who will snort and say “i’m a good person and i think it tastes like dirt” and plenty who will say “i’m a shit person and i think it tastes like the summer i finally kissed her”. and i don’t know, not the way i knew if it was ready, but it feels like a simple thing amidst all the messy. and it’s probably helpful that i think mine is, like most people’s, just a nice in-the-middle. i mean, the other day i heard it asked like a star sign - what’s your honey like?

there’s this one thing, though, you know. i choose to believe, because it might make me secretly happy. it’s like believing in nessie. i know realistically it’s probably just hearsay. but there’s this underground rumbling that, over time, the honey changes. just a little, every day, unnoticeable to most of us who go to work and do our best by others but still sometimes steal toilet paper. there’s these stories of people who made it rich by selling out their friends, who stole patents, who argue that others should charge for insulin - that they liked the honey, at first, but over time, it’s gone rotten. and similarly, every so often, there’s these stories of people who were normal “regular” honey people, who helped someone out of the bottom. who chose to be just a little bit better than they were the day before. who had moments of decisive kindness that changed them. they all say the same thing: since then, the honey has been amazing, and they work to keep it that way.

my grandmother and my mother were never surprised. they have this saying about bees and their secrets. my mother said to me: we have always had these tiny angels. they’re just giving us each a taste of the world we are making.

my grandmother later tells me, while watering the flowers, almost the exact same thing: they will haunt us when they go, because they keep books in their combs. and they see us giants, and no matter who we lie to? the world of bees will know.

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mystery0028 · 1 year

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Cannot believe that i just got more birthday alerts from companys than i did msgs from friends

#I mean all my family wished me #and my oldest friends as well #so im not sad or anything but like damn #birthday

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mystery0028 · 1 year

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This is the hot coffee case all over again isn’t it

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mystery0028 · 1 year

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I keep seeing fic with words censored in the body of the fic like so: c*nt, f*gg*t, q-slur (seriously, come on), r*pe, *nc*st. I even saw a fic where someone was described as “sitting next to his unalived body” which was so absurd it made me laugh.

I’ve seen this trend in tags as well, which would be ACTIVELY FUCKING DANGEROUS if AO3 tag wranglers weren’t literal, actual angels who make sure that “rape” and “r*pe” (and all such transpositions) are treated like the same tag.

AO3 isn’t TikTok. Tag accurately and completely for your fic themes so people can search AND filter. Use the correct words in your fic content so people who use blacklist extensions can actually benefit from the tools that protect them.

If you don’t feel comfortable using a word without censoring it, then don’t use that word at all. Maybe consider why you’re even writing something that contains that theme.

Sincerely,

An actual real life rape and incest survivor who has actual fucking PTSD and really doesn’t want to have to stop reading fic for my ship because people think a god damn asterisk is going to somehow save people like me from being triggered.

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mystery0028 · 1 year

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Tumblrmart? How long have i been gone?

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mystery0028 · 1 year

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If y'all liked the unidentifiable yellow glitter goo you'll love the time I made wine out of marshmallow Peeps

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mystery0028 · 2 years

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whats it with people calling japanese characters from japanese anime who live in japan and speak japanese and have japanese names white

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mystery0028 · 2 years

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scrapbook snippet: the ice prince

this is a preview, really, because i'm showing you evan's thought process a few handfuls of chapters down the line as opposed to the current point in ttdl. nonetheless, i felt like posting it now lol.

so: we give evan a chance to tell us what he thinks. truthfully? .......mayhaps.

The title of 'Slytherin ice prince' is a recurring one, or at least that's what Evan has gathered from the way his family talks about their time at Hogwarts.

There's no formal decision process—everyone just knows. Slytherin doesn't always have one, although Katherine says Lucius Malfoy thought (mistakenly) that it was him. But Malfoy apparently wears authority like full plate armor, intimidating but clunky. Ten or so years ago, it was a Zabini; twenty years before that, it would have been Abraxas Malfoy if not for some unknown who apparently charmed him into losing the cool exterior. Before that, it was a Nott, and before that, a Pierce, if there's any merit to the stories from Evan's older relatives.

It's never been a Rosier, but that's not a surprise. Rosiers aren't cool or aloof. They're charming, mercurial, even melodramatic. It's a fun way to move through the world, but it used to grate on Evan, knowing that by virtue of his name he was destined to be seen as flighty, shallow, better as a dinner guest than a political ally.

He's used to the idea now. It has its merits.

It wasn't always that way, though. For a short while, Evan wanted to be serious—refused to add to his house's reputation, kept a straight face whenever possible, tried to persuade himself that he didn't care about fun things. When he was little, he'd even vaguely entertained the idea of being the first Rosier ice prince. (Which, in hindsight, probably should have tipped him off that he was a boy, but whatever. He put it together eventually.)

Then he'd met Regulus Black and thrown that idea right out the window.

Everyone just knows, and Evan knew. Even at five years old, bookish and introverted bordering on antisocial, Regulus carried himself like royalty. (Which was hilarious to Evan at the time, because every time a group of children their age would be put in a room together while their parents had lunch or tea, other children would flock to Regulus, which interfered with his reading and made him very snappish. But after a while Regulus stopped snapping, and eventually he stopped sneaking books with him everywhere he went as well. Sometimes Evan misses that Regulus who openly hated being forced to take his nose out of a book, especially when it meant interacting with other people.)

So when Regulus started forming his own personal third side of the war, Evan knew instantly that the Junior Death Eater League or whatever they call themselves (which is probably not the Junior Death Eater League) stood no chance. Regulus would siphon off all of their recruits for himself and leave Mulciber and his friends in the dust, rejected and embarrassed.

It wasn't a move Evan had expected from Regulus of all people. Barty's always itching for a way to get back at his father, and Evan was fully expecting him, at least, to dive wholeheartedly into the Death Eaters. Regulus himself doesn't like getting his hands dirty. Yet there they were, shaking the very bedrock of politics—not just for Slytherin, and not just for Hogwarts, but for the entirety of the British magical world.

Naturally, Evan was suspicious. The question that's been instilled in him since he was old enough to understand it is 'why bother?' Inaction is easier than action, and in this case, it is certainly much safer.

So. Why bother?

Because Slytherin is dominated by the kind of people whose ambitions extend to a Wizengamot seat or a certain number of Galleons in a bank vault or seeing their face on magazine covers. Ambitious, yes, but not the type of people who have books written about them. Not the type of people whose names pass into legend. Not like Regulus, clawing his way to a destiny of his own making.

(And partially of Evan's making, if he gets his way.)

Regulus isn't the type to settle. Not for second best, not for spare, not for mediocrity most of all.

That's 'why bother.'

The point is, Evan's always known Regulus is the prince. All Evan needs to do is make sure there's a place for him in the court. As for what he'll do with it... the beauty is that really, he can do whatever he wants.

Such is the merit of being a flighty, shallow dinner guest. No one pays attention to what he might be doing under the table.

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mystery0028 · 2 years

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scrapbook snippet: define 'carburetor'

i tried lots of possible beginnings for ttdl. this is one of the ones i scrapped pretty quickly (aside from a few lines you might recognize that made it into ttdl), then kept writing because it was fun. read on for: megan gleefully causing problems, regulus passing out shovels so everyone can help him dig his own grave, and evan committing acts of violence! it's about 2.3k

Regulus's plan, such as it is, first begins to go off the rails in the common room after dinner.

It starts, as many things do, with second-year Megan Fleming. She's a half-blood, which isn't unheard of in Slytherin, but half-bloods with one Muggle parent as opposed to one Muggleborn are unusual. Severus Snape has dealt with being unusual by worming his way into the pack of bullies in the upper years. Megan deals with it by punching people who insult her father in the face. Regulus frequently wonders if the Sorting Hat considered Gryffindor for her.

This wouldn't ordinarily be Regulus's concern—Megan can handle herself perfectly well, and it's not like she needs upper-years to come to her defense against the likes of her yearmate Gina Crabbe. However, two things have happened this year that make it his concern. First of all, he became a prefect. Second of all, Megan made the Slytherin quidditch team as Hogwarts' most deceptively-harmless-looking Beater, and as a result, Regulus has a vested interest in keeping her safe and uninjured. (He can't keep her out of detention. There are some things not even the Blacks can do.)

Megan, of course, knows that Regulus quietly looks out for her and seems to revel in making this difficult for him, as evidenced by how she climbs on top of a table and says at the top of her lungs, "Until any of you can tell me how a car works, I don't give a single shit how magical your stupid grandparents are!"

If she'd said it more quietly, maybe it wouldn't have become a problem.

But she says it loudly enough that the pack of bullies sitting in the corner looks up.

"Is that so," seventh-year Amycus Carrow sneers.

The common room falls dead silent.

Amycus Carrow has a very specific reason to dislike Megan, namely that he was playing Beater for Slytherin until this year, when going on academic probation meant that he was kicked off all his extracurriculars. Megan has his old position, and to be perfectly honest, she's a better player than he is. (Her mother being an assistant coach for the Montrose Magpies has a lot to do with that.) It's not a good reason for him to dislike her, but it is a potent one.

Megan stands her ground. Or rather, her table. "Define 'carburetor.'"

Now seems like a great time for Regulus to get involved.

He can either try to deescalate the conflict (unlikely, neither Carrow nor Megan have ever deescalated anything in their lives), or he can redirect it towards himself instead of towards Megan. Regulus is much, much better equipped to withstand the bullies' ire than Megan is, so that makes the choice easy.

There are a lot of ways he could try to make Carrow switch focus to him instead.

But there's only one that's sufficiently outrageous to make sure the bullies forget all about Megan.

"She has a point," he says, loudly enough for everyone in the common room to hear him, quietly enough that it doesn't sound like he's trying too hard. "I also don't care how magical your grandparents are, Carrow."

And for a brief moment, Regulus thinks it will end there, in confused silence.

It does not.

"Are you kidding me?" sixth-year Julius Mulciber says. "Black, I'd expect better from you of all people."

"Intriguing," Regulus says. "I'll be sure to take that into account as soon as I've figured out why your expectations matter."

Charlotte Yaxley, the other fifth-year prefect, is frowning. "I mean... Regulus, you heard what you just said, right?"

"Are you implying I'd say anything without thinking it through first? Have I ever done that, Charlotte?"

"Nah, he's right," seventh-year Alecto Carrow says. "The three-generations rule lets someone with four mudblood grandparents call themselves pureblood. I say six generations back is the one that matters."

Regulus makes sure every word is crisp and clear enough to cut through the muttering that has started to build in the common room. "What a creative interpretation. However, that is not what I meant."

Evan Rosier snickers. For Barty's sake, Regulus hopes he isn't about to say something awful. Not that Evan ever really says anything awful—he's excellent at avoiding saying anything of substance, actually. But Regulus has his own room this year since he's a prefect, which means the fifth-year boys' dorm is just Barty and Evan, and Regulus would prefer if Barty didn't get into fights with someone who can easily access where he sleeps.

"Something to contribute, Rosier?" Amycus Carrow says.

He smiles broadly. "No, nothing in particular. I'm just amused. By all means, continue."

"Continuing seems like a bad idea," sixth-year prefect Cora Shacklebolt says. "Do we really have to get into a house-wide fight on the first night back? Can't we at least wait until we don't have classes the next day?"

"We do have to get into it," her yearmate Sophia Warrington says. "Because it sounds like Black's admitting to being a tad bit more like his disgraced dipshit of a brother than his parents would prefer."

Geoff Pucey, seventh-year captain of the quidditch team and Warrington's boyfriend, frowns at her. "Soph, that's harsh."

"Don't talk around it," Regulus says. "My parents would have you thrown out for daring to imply that you're in their confidence, but I'll permit it just this once. What precisely do we have to get into, Warrington?"

"I don't know why you're all so surprised," Amycus Carrow says. "Black's been championing Fleming since she showed up, and she practically wears a sign with 'pro-mudblood' on it."

"Rude," Barty says. "I don't appreciate being forgotten about, Carrow. Or is it the Muggle father you're objecting to and not the blood traitor ideas? Because if that's the problem, then I have some bad news for you about your friend Snape. Or follower. Whatever he is to you, I don't actually know what's going on there."

"Black, muzzle your guard dog," Amycus Carrow says.

"Okay, seriously," Cora Shacklebolt says. "Do we have to fuel our reputation of being the mean house?"

"We are the mean house," Evan says cheerfully. "It keeps life interesting."

"We don't coddle people, Shacklebolt," Mulciber says.

"Is that so?" Heather Brown says. "Because you cried in first year when I figured out material transfiguration before you and got mad when I didn't apologize for hurting your feelings."

"Oh, so now the Light scion is going to preach to us?" Alecto Carrow says.

"I'm pointing out the rampant hypocrisy." She shrugs. "Not exactly preaching."

"Speaking of hypocrisy, can we get back to Black being a blood traitor?" Warrington says.

"How's that hypocritical?" Brown says. "He didn't choose his parents. Much like Muggleborns. And I'll remind you that you're not Sacred Twenty-Eight, Sophia, so your opinion on whether it's hypocritical for us to support Muggleborns is not just unnecessary, it's irrelevant."

Regulus has already started digging his own grave. He might as well finish the job. "Brown's right. In fact, as people with centuries of proven magical ancestry, we're particularly well-equipped to discuss whether it means anything. Given that people like the Carrows can be Sacred Twenty-Eight, I'm of the opinion that it doesn't."

Both of the Carrow twins get up from their seats then, faces twisted. Regulus smiles pleasantly at them and waits. He can take whatever they throw at him, especially since Barty will jump into a fight with him if possible.

But Evan Rosier gets there first and plants himself in the twins' way. He's still smiling like he's having the time of his life, but his voice is firm. "No brawling. What are we, Gryffindors?"

"Once a Rosier, always a Rosier, huh?" fifth-year Maeve Bulstrode says.

He grins at her. "Yep. It's in my blood to stop fights before they break out. Admittedly, usually I'm dealing with belligerently drunk party guests, not my sober housemates, but I'm finding that the skill set is similar."

"This isn't one of your stupid parties," Alecto Carrow says.

"Hm." Evan pretends to consider that. "You know what? House Carrow's banned from all Rosier properties and events, and our wards do a wonderful job of keeping you out, so I think you might be right about that."

Amycus Carrow tries to push past him, but Evan casually gets in his way. "Want to know one big, important way that Hogwarts isn't like a Rosier party? Besides permitting Carrows inside, of course."

"Enlighten us, please," Antony Flint, the other sixth-year prefect, says. (Next to him, Cora Shacklebolt sighs.)

Evan's smile gets, if anything, wider. "I don't have to be nice to all of you."

Then he punches Amycus Carrow in the face.

"Holy shit," Barty says.

"Holy shit!" Megan says, significantly louder. "Kick his arse, Evan!"

"Hm?" Evan shakes out his hand. "Oh, sorry, Megan. I don't brawl. That was just for fun."

Things descend into chaos after that.

Regulus stays in the common room long enough to ensure that everyone has either successfully fled or gone back to gossiping with their friends. Then he retreats to the safety of his own room, where he can evaluate what just happened and what's likely to happen next as a result.

Or that's what he plans to do, anyway. His plans are disrupted by Barty emerging from his and Evan's room, grabbing Regulus by the arm, and yanking him inside.

He is confronted with... quite a lot of people.

"And so Heir Black finally graces us with his presence," Maeve says. "I'd like to ask politely—what the fuck was that?"

"It was great, is what it was." Megan's still grinning. "Regulus, you should start fights more often."

"I didn't start anything," Regulus says. "You got on a table and Evan broke Amycus Carrow's nose."

Evan looks up from his bruised knuckles with an air of vague interest. "I did? Cool."

As long as they're asking the question of 'what the fuck was that,' Regulus would really like to know what was going through Evan's head at that moment, but he doesn't ask. Getting a straight answer out of Evan Rosier is near impossible under the best of circumstances. It'll never happen with this many witnesses around.

Regulus takes a look around the room. Most of the members of his Dark Arts study group have found their way here, along with Megan and Emma Vanity (fifth-year and Evan's best friend).

"I'd've clocked Carrow myself, but he never got close enough," Megan says. "I could've managed it since I was standing on the table."

"Can you not pick fights with seventh-years?" Geoff Pucey says. (Warrington is nowhere in sight.) "The Carrows are nasty. They won't hold back just because you're younger than them."

She scowls at him, lower lip jutting out. "They'd better not."

"I'm just glad Amycus is off the quidditch team this year," Emma says. "Otherwise practice would be really awkward."

"It was awkward enough with him and Kingsley on the same team last year," sixth-year Thomas Travers says. (He and Megan are the strangest Beater pair at Hogwarts—Thomas is about twice as wide as she is and a head and shoulders taller.) "Speaking of quidditch, did anyone see where Theophania vanished to? She's not in here, is she?"

"Nope," Emma says.

"I saw her go back to her room shortly after Evan became the center of attention," Regulus says. Theophania Nott is Kingsley Shacklebolt's replacement, Slytherin's third-year Keeper, and hates conflict off the quidditch pitch with a burning passion. "Why are all of you in here, anyway?"

"To talk to you," seventh-year prefect Priam Parkinson says. "What's going on? Have you lost your mind? Things like that."

"I haven't lost anything except my patience. I'm bored of letting them think I agree with them."

"Bored?" fifth-year Lucinda Talkalot says. "Mulciber not having it out for you is boring?"

"Yep," Barty says. "Excruciatingly so."

"They'll be after me and Evan now," Regulus says. "And Megan, but that's nothing new, I suppose."

"Definitely not," Megan chirps.

"So if anyone wants, hypothetically speaking, to make it clear that they don't buy into blood purity..." Regulus looks around the room and lets the significance of his words settle. "Now is the time."

"Question," Emma says. "What are you getting out of this?"

"I can get away with this. Slughorn will side with me, and my parents are convinced it's an insult for me to serve anyone, much less someone without proven pure blood." Well. They will be convinced, once Regulus gets around to having that conversation with them. "I'm not joining the Death Eaters. As for what I get out of it, I won't lie. I'm making myself into a shield because I think it's about time House Black found a new type of ally."

"I think I might be offended," Evan says idly.

"I'm not talking about severing ties with House Rosier. I'm not stupid." They have a reputation for being shallow and frivolous, thinking more about garden parties than the Wizengamot, but the main line are raised to be shrewd and manipulative under a veneer of vacuous smiles and expensive champagne. Uncle Cygnus's marriage to Aunt Druella means that House Black and House Rosier are allied, but Cygnus and Druella are both from cadet branches. The families could be tied closer. Like, for example, if Evan, their heir, found his way into the third side Regulus is assembling.

"So House Black's taking an anti-blood purity stance?" Priam Parkinson says skeptically. "Your parents agreed to that?"

"We're taking an anti-Voldemort stance."

Nobody calls him Voldemort out loud, which means that when Regulus does, everyone in the room freezes momentarily.

Regulus pauses to let them wrap their heads around it, then continues. "My parents and I have different reasoning, but we can agree on that, at least."

Or rather, they will, once Regulus forces his parents' hands into it.

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