mystomachfeelsawful - Tumblr blog

mystomachfeelsawful · 5 months

Text

1:04

31 was quieter than 30, but more intentional. It felt like a year of growth, with all the quirks and pains that come with it.

I got to see more theatre outside of Toronto this year. After a 42 days in Winnipeg (still defrosting), I went to New York and kind of marathoned theatre and then spent a month in Peterborough sweating it out. It’s always so interesting for me to see what different communities value, what plays they develop and what works with audiences.

Artistically, 2023 wasn’t a hard year for me, but it was definitely more challenging than 2022. All of my projects had some sort of hard detour that offered a challenge I had to navigate. I think I’m entering 2024 with more of a drive to say no, to establish my values, but also to defend myself more when things get rocky. I think I have a hard time advocating for myself sometimes, especially with long time collaborators. I fold pretty easily and am actually quite conflict avoidant with people I respect or have established relationships with, so I think I want to continue to learn how to stand my ground respectfully when things are exploding. I’m good at removing collaborators from my projects when we don’t jive, but dealing with conflict in longstanding collaborators is something I want to continue working on – and how to hold my ground when I disagree.

Here’s some cool stuff that happened this year:

1) Maddie and I went on a vacation to new York! A first adult vacation! I’m partially doing this because she doesn’t celebrate or acknowledge achievements, so this is specifically for her. I also think there was something kind of cool about just doing something for fun with money I’d saved up. I’ve been pretty lucky financially over the last few years, so having some money I hold aside for disposable trips that I can’t just drive or bus to in a few hours (where I don’t think about work) is definitely something I want to keep doing and budgeting for.

2) The productions I directed were both out of town gigs. I’ve never started and finished a process not in Toronto or Hamilton, so this felt significant. Not only that, but theatre felt like an event to audiences who saw the work, something extraordinary that wasn’t a common thing. I’d never had a response to a show (or audience turn out) like I did in Peterborough for Give ‘Em Hell. Toronto will always be my home, I think, but doing something that seemed so normal (and perhaps would have vanished) in the city, but having it be received in such a radical way in a more rural environment gave me pause in thinking about why and how I make theatre. Who is it for? Who can it change? And what’s the environment where it can have that magical life changing it factor?

3) I kept teaching. Spending time in Toronto after New York, Winnipeg and Peterborough made me see the city in a different light, especially the training of actors and the stories we’re developing and producing.

I’ve taught at 3 theatre schools since 2022 (and in two provinces!) and as someone who’s directed exclusively fourth year classes, I’m currently curious about the role of conservatory training in a university setting. Who are we graduating and why? Is it an actor who’s ready to work? Is it to raise the self esteem of a generation who’s been locked inside because of COVID? Is it to give folks a broad knowledge of theatre? How do we impart rigor and craft onto students while not destroying them emotionally but pushing them? When a student is not engaging in the work in a meaningful way, how do we support them or guide them without giving them an unrealistic vision of the industry?

It’s been 13 years since my first theatre school semester – something that continues to motivate me as an educator - but I think as I keep doing it, I’m less focused on creating rooms where students feel more in control/confident as the sole purpose, rather than rooms that do that in addition to giving them a strong sense of rigor and drive to do the work. I’m worried our theatre students are becoming more afraid than they’ve ever been, with formative years in isolation that have prevented them from taking risks, ownership and feeling brave enough to fail on deck. I’m concerned that we’re not arming them as well as we could. I want students to feel proud at the end of their shows with me, but a pride that we earn as colleagues and collaborators.

I think teaching is such a gift, and I’ll always make time for it in my schedule – I just want to get better in pursuing the educator side of it. When do I push? When do I back off? What material can I choose that feels pedagogically and artistically fulfilling?

I’m directing another dream project at UTM next year (a play that really inspired me and drove me to create when I was young, eager and fresh out of theatre school). It’s a deliciously dirty text and I want to make sure I can support the students in diving into the complex material so we all get as much as we can out of it.

4) I’m dating someone really cool and nice. Someone who I’m really proud of for all she’s achieved this year – changing career paths, going to teacher’s college, advocating for herself in really tough emotional situations. It’s great and I love her a lot.

5) As I continue my adventure into my 30s, I don’t think I’m really looking for big takeaways as much as I did in my twenties. I have a thing I do that I know I’m okay at and I do it. I have a process that I can implement whenever. I’m learning when I’m not wanted in rooms and environments and when I am how I’m valued and treated.

I remember my cousin once told me that I had an opinion that “only I thought was true.” I think at the time I felt kind of upset by this, but I look at this as a strength now. It’s something I tell my students and my peers. It’s your unpopular, your weird opinions, your strangeness that makes you you, your art stronger and if the opinion is honest, you powerful.

More power in 2024. Less things that make you feel less like yourself. More weird. More strange. More power.

I saw a lot of theatre this year! I loved

Master Plan

Appropriate

Assembly Hall

Fat Ham

Love You Wrong Time

I played a lot of video games this year, I loved:

Dragon Age Inquisition

Persona 4 Golden

Tears of the Kingdom

Baldur’s Gate 3

I watched a lot of things this year. I loved:

Beef

The Bear

Tar

I like Movies

The First Slam Dunk

Barbie

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 1 year

Text

I turned 30 this year. My brother (who is literally getting ready to plan out his life as a father lol) told me that 30 was going to change me. That I was going to transform at 30. I scoffed at this. Ridiculous.

I feel like a real artist. For the first time in, literally forever.

I gigged so much in 2022. I directed 5 plays and 4 workshops and had an additional 3 where I was a playwright, each on a scale I’d never dreamed of. I finished first drafts of three musical theatre books, a whole complete draft of Woking Phoenix, did my first tour and won a sparkly trophy.

I’ve never worked this much in my life. At the end of 2019, I was getting ready to direct at a community theatre with a leadership team that frankly, didn’t want me there. I was barely making ends meet financially (though I had convinced myself otherwise) and was working a catering job where my favourite supervisor was quickly becoming a Ben Shapiro “centrist” stan. So yeah, I dunno, success.

But I think somewhere along the way, I realized that I think, for maybe the first time, I needed to work on myself. Beyond me as an artist. On my 30th birthday, my summer roommate Thomas and I decided to have a dumpling party for me. We invited a bunch of people over to make dumplings at my house, friends, students and just have a birthday party. I don’t usually host parties, or really host anything aside from theatre things. I haven’t had a real birthday party for just friends since I was a kid.

A whole bunch of people showed up. Like, lots of people. And we kept making dumplings, frying them, eating them. Just a bunch of buds, former students, friends. And I just felt really loved. Felt really taken care of.

And I think, I realized that this was a part of my life I was missing - like living a more full life meant more than just making art I believed in. Mind, you, I think me feeling success as a theatre artist was the catalyst for this, as I think I had convinced myself in my twenties that I could not be happy unless I had achieved career success first (which stems back to a lot of other things), but yeah. I think Adam was right. Something did change.

Here’s some things that happened this year.

1 - I taught and directed at two theatre schools - the University of Toronto Missisauga and Toronto Metropolitan University. Both Hookman and Servant were two of the largest projects I’ve ever worked on in terms of scale - a far cry from the fringe shows I’m used to working on. I got white models, a woodshop was working on the project, people would show me samples of fabrics and prints before rehearsals. I had a moment during the tech of Servant where I saw Sarah’s set load in and I got emotional. I wasn’t getting heatstroke in a garage. I was directing a real show with real moving parts in a non-festival setting.

More importantly, I was able to direct on my own terms (more on this in the next point). I always resented the theatre school guest director who flew in from somewhere exotic, spoke down to the students and then flew away - I always resented the guest director that students were scared of. So I really tried to treat the students like they were professionals on my indie productions, with the same level of scrappy tenacity and being really honest when things weren’t working without making them feel shame.

Teaching also presented some challenges - especially that of balancing pedagogy and directing. How do you nurture students while also giving them a sense of rigor? How do you adapt to folks who aren’t benefitting/don’t work with your process? How do you deal with class dynamics that can exist outside and inside a room? I learned a lot from both experiences and am excited to use what I learned in Winnipeg when I fly out in two months(!). I take teaching really seriously because my first theatre school teachers failed me (in both crushing my sense of belief in myself and feeling like I belonged in this industry). It’s our job as educators to not only give students rigor, but a sense that they can do this if they have strong process. Hungry to get back in the ring.

2 - I put my demons to rest at TMU. I feel every year I end up talking about Ryerson and how hurt I was, etc. Never did I think I’d be directing there so soon in my career, and never did I think I’d be directing a dream show there.

I read Hookman early in pandemic and immediately fell in love with it as a script. It was wild, violent and had a deeply moving core. Also, it seemed like it was an impossible play on the indie scale I usually work at. How do you do a fight in a moving car onstage? How can characters get stabbed and profusely bleed - with actual stage blood. Hookman felt like a project I’d work on when I was well into my “career” and could find a theatre that could fully back in.

Much to my surprise, Hookman happened earlier than I thought.

Walking outside RTS (rip the old building) has always given me a sense of small dread. It represents a journey I wasn’t able to finish, one I desperately wanted to finish at the time, but was told by the faculty (repeatedly) that I should leave. As immature as this is, I never got to do a fourth year show, I never got to even speak in class (the acting class in the first semester is one where you have to be silent), so the school has always existed as a weird mark of failure for me. I was kind of worried I’d be triggered going back there. 2/3 of the faculty that sat on my panel as I was told to leave (and then told that I could use the yoga I learned to lose weight in my real life) were still teaching there.

I set up protocols. Those folks weren’t allowed in my rehearsal room. They weren’t allowed to email me, etc. I wanted to make sure that the room was a safe space for me in returning back to a site that’s haunted me for the last 12 years.

I didn’t need those protocols. What I got was a process where I met incredible collaborators and where we all got to put up our best work in the hottest rehearsal space I’ve ever worked in (not sexually. thermally. 370 was a sauna and I have no idea how Desmond fought in what was essentially a full morph suit every rehearsal). A process where the students fought for me as much as I fought for them. A process where, I think, we all left as stronger artists.

As we all sat in the basement of the creative school after our show (and the subsequent quasi-techie dance that followed), and we kind of all cried together and shared stories of how proud of each other we all were, I kind of felt my RTS demons leave me. My closure toward RTS wasn’t destroying the school or cancelling my problematic teachers, it was being the leader I didn’t have when I was there. Someone who pushed, but also encouraged students to be great artists, that even if the run/work wasn’t strong that day, it was still always achievable. Where we could laugh at failure openly and view success as not an end destination, but another thread to rediscover in the run. Where they didn’t have to leave the program with a big chip on their shoulder, but with work everyone was genuinely proud of.

I feel really grateful to have the TMU experience that I did. I feel I can walk past the Creative School with a wonderful sense of closure. I had my fourth year show, but it was on my terms and put the students first. And no letter or probationary status can take that away from me.

Also, if you want me to vouch for any of my students at UTM or TMU, shoot me a line. Wild about them and all of their work.

3 - Quitting. A big part of this year was also learning to value my own self worth as an artist and a person. Another beautiful part of working so much was the ability to say no to projects at any point. A lot of my own work in pandemic has been recognizing my own self worth and recognizing that I don’t need to make theatre all the time regardless of work conditions - no matter if the project is near and dear to my heart or it isn’t. That sacrificing myself for the greater good or someone else’s needs is not something I ever want to do. I left projects this year because the environment was abusive, the organizational structure was dreadful, or it was simply time to go. It doesn’t matter what the project is, if the vibe feels wrong or something feels off, I can’t do it.

This also applies to people. I ended some friendships this year and cut some people out. I think sometimes you can only try so much before you realize that something isn’t working and that person isn’t worth your energy anymore.

4 - After June 12th and the aforementioned birthday party, I entered the world of online dating. After not dating for 8 years because of an ex who messed me up, I think I reached a point where I was happy with myself enough to see if it was for me again. I had a goal of going at just one date by August 30th.

And man, what a weird ride that was. I met a whole slew of people, from someone who told me that she didn’t believe that she could be happy if she was single, to someone else who tried to get me into bitcoin, to a weirdly quiet date where someone told me her only goal in life was to make a lot of money so she could become a landlord.

I think though, in spite of all of the weirdos (myself included), the normies, the awkward silences and the occasional moments of genuine connection, I felt braver after this summer, like I started to figure out what I wanted in other people, but also when a connection was genuinely forming. I also started viewing myself as genuinely attractive as a human, not just an artist, someone who could desire and be desired. So yeah, pretty rad.

5 - I feel like if my twenties were about learning about myself as an artist, my thirties could be about learning about myself as a human - about putting myself first always and not compromising my own needs for other people. I feel genuinely like 2022 was the happiest and most secure I’ve been as an artist and a human. I did a lot of things for just me that were private goals - going to the reference library and reading a bunch of plays, walking from Science World to the Cultch, hosting an impromptu taco birthday for someone I barely knew, starting an activity club in the summer, eating terrible food at a theme restaurant, or just having a whole week to myself to play video games. I’m really fucking content and I want to keep doing that and being that. If that means leaving the party early to play God of War, or just taking time to quietly walk through a new neighbourhood, I really like myself these days and all of my weirdness.

PLAYS

1 - Is God Is

2 - Post Democracy

3 - Love You Wrong Time

4 - Killing Time

5 - Queen Goneril

THINGS ON SCREENS (not all new releases in 2022!)

1 - Sort Of

2 - The Bear

3 - Shiva Baby

4 - Causeway

5 - Cyberpunk: Edgerunners

6 - The Northman

MEMORIES

1 - Standing on the shores of wreck beach with Maddie, talking about where we were going, who we wanted to be and things we were saying no to.

2 - Walking home from every rehearsal as the sun set, or during a winter afternoon and feeling like, holy shit, I’m doing this.

3 - The whole noche buena workshop.

4 - Hookman’s opening.

5 - That dumpling party.

6 - Going to the reference library over the summer and grabbing more plays than my hands could hold, sifting through them until I found one that I couldn’t put down.

7 - Seeing Servant’s set for the first time.

8 - Hearing Meat and WOKING PHOENIX for the first time in front of a live audience after endless zoom meetings (4 years combined total for both).

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 2 years

Text

10:04

A message to Aaron from December 2010.

Hey bud

You probably feel really bad right now. A faculty of old scary white ladies told you that you didn’t have an imagination and how you don’t belong at this school. These words will haunt you for a while and make you make bad choices, wear a fedora and become petty and bitter.

You’re going to have a really terrible few months ahead of you. Your dad is going to get locked into work. You’re going to try to infilitrate a high school and do sears again. You’re going to figure out a lot of stuff, but it’s going to be hard and bad and you’re going to doubt yourself for a really long time. You’re going to be rude to people and constantly be paranoid that you’re not doing enough or being a good artmaker.

But 12 years later, you’ll come back to this school.

And you’ll be better than what was done to you.

And you’ll build something with an incredible team that you’re really, really proud of - with a team that really, genuinely loves the project and keeps fighting relentlessly for it.

And with that, you’ll close the loop of the thing that’s been haunting you for 12 years.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 2 years

Text

12:46

I feel like a real director for maybe the first time in my life.

I’m in a real theatre.

It’s not a festival.

There’s a set.

That was built by a crew (not me in a garage).

I know what’s going on in production meetings.

Holy wow.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 2 years

Text

8:03

Okay, I’m less sad now, so let’s talk about this year. I’m sitting on PING’s fourth draft and feeling pretty okay. I will say the prospect of NOT being online for the university shows is probably what’s leading to this post.

This year was one spent in pandemic, but was also strangely amazing for me. I somehow fell into the world of musical theatre writing with three commissions, got two dream directing jobs in universities, booked my first professional directing gig for production and workshop (and also had a summerworks debut!), finished four drafts of PING! and one of PONG? and somehow figured out a work life balance somewhere in between. Projects came and projects went, but here’s what stood out for me.

1 - Noteworthy. The last residency I had crushed me. It made me feel like I was a weak writer, like I wasn’t funny, like my plays kind of didn’t matter. The play I had gone through that residency with had a lot of big issues, but the entire experience was an incredibly demoralizing one that made me question whether or not I had any stories to tell (hyperbolic I know). Noteworthy was a big shift in that. Being paired with a new composer each week (and not knowing what the fuck we were doing) and forced to generate a whole scene/song combination made me write faster than I ever had before, and also helped me just kind of invest in my voice again with short one off projects. Also, being in an all IBPOC unit was an oddly comforting experience and something I won’t take for granted ever again. From Noteworthy, somehow I managed to get three commissions with the Dan Fund, the Rita Joe and Sheridan’s First Drafts program. Still pinching myself and grateful for the collaborators, but also grateful that the room and the process made me realize that my writing voice actually works - it just has to be more specific. If I’m not in something emotionally, then it’s just clever fluff.

Really grateful for the room Kevin and Ray ran, and always grateful that I have such strong collaborators in alaska and Riel.

2 - I, uh, experienced a weird blob of white guilt. It’s still fucking with me. After noteworthy, being in rooms where I was in the minority (and the only person who looked like me) was fuckin’ weird, to say the least. Just the way conversations happened changed.

3 - I made more money than I ever have in the arts this year. I was talking with a friend who leads a large TV series and I asked them what the best part of their TV adventure was. They answered - wealth and resources. I’m inclined to agree. It allows you to not only focus more on your art, but allows you to recharge and invest in yourself. While I’m not rich by any means, my finances are incredibly stable, which has never happened before. And with that comes...

4 - Mentorship. I’m directing at XU, UTM, am a commissioned writer on a project at Sheridan and I’m leading a grantwriting class at Tarragon. It’s really important for me to be there for my students. To not come off as arrogant or haughty, but to empower my students. I was really traumatized by my theatre school experience (and by some of my professional experiences), so I really want to create rooms where people are able to make wild mistakes, where they push themselves and they never feel intimidated or scared to take big risks. I want to imbue my own personal sense of rigor with generosity, so when my students leave the class they feel bigger than they did when they came in in both growth and skills obtained. One of my mentors talks about brave spaces, where people can be brave enough to make risky choices. That’s how I want to lead all of my rooms, where the students own curiosity leads to their own rigor. I take education super seriously (I did one on ones with all of my university students) and am honestly a little apprehensive about the potential of rehearsals going online because of COVID. Actors need to be in their bodies and I’m honestly unsure about how we’ll pivot if we’re forced online.

I want to be better than who I had 11 years ago. I think my hunger is really guided by this. Something I’ve realized in pandemic is that I need to be more true to myself, to eject myself from situations where people don’t want me, but also to stick up for myself when things get weird. I had to reclaim this from my training. I want to make sure that my students never feel like they’re silenced like I was.

5 - I believe in myself more than I ever have, in all aspects of my career. I have process, I no longer try to get things perfect on the first go. I allow myself to make a mess and be bad sometimes, to figure things out as I go. I think I know who I am as an artist more than ever, and I think this year and feeling so much support has made me realize that.

PLAYS

JK I DIDN’T WATCH ANY PLAYS THIS YEAR.

GAMES

1 - 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim - Honestly took me by surprise. We played this as house and were so moved by it in all of it’s character based twists and turns. The ending was a little easy, but it’s been a while since I was this moved by a Japanese anime-esque narrative.

2 - Disco Elysium - Also a bit of an easy ending, but incredible vicious, funny and actually beautifully touching writing. Hearing a giant bug cryptid say she believes in you was actually the most touching thing I’d experienced all year. Just amazing.

3 - Shin Megami Tensei V - I really don’t like this series, as I find it to be a storyless grind. That said, SMTV’s platforming, it’s sleek combat and it’s overall world make it phenominal and addictive. It’s satan pokemon, and the increased level of customization and punishing difficulty is exactly what I want.

4 - Slay the Spire - I am STILL playing Slay the spire and have dumped maybe 50 hours into this stupid game. I’m such a sucker for a deck building roguelike, even if I’m actually terrible at making a good deck.

5 - Tales of Arise - is a terrible story about racism with incredible combat, a gorgeous world and sometimes well written character interactions. Playing a Tales game as a mage also made Arise way more enjoyable (although I stand by the fact that the new combat system doesn’t fare well for close range fighters, whose hit detection is pretty weak)

HM: Psychonauts (just started!), Cyberpunk 2077 (actually not bad or good, but really fine!)

Excited to Play: Psychonauts 2, Scarlet Nexus

Disappointments: NEO - The world Ends with You, Kentucky Route Zero, Far Cry 4, Red Dead Redemption 2, Jedi: Fallen Order

MOVIES - I saw a lot less this year than I’d hoped.

1 - West Side Story - slaps. Everything about this film slaps.

2 - PIG - took me by surprise with how it was everything other than what it was marketed as.

3 - Minari - quiet, brutal.

4 - Josse, the Tiger and the Fish - I saw this after another film that kind of let me down. Was really blown away by the whole damn thing.

5 - Zola - Zola left me feeling nothing after I saw it, but I can’t stop thinking about it now that it’s 6 months away. The brutal way it deals with comedy and the quick cuts (especially the scene where the white dude tries to kill himself) are still sitting with me in how ridiculous, yet honest they are. I’ll watch Colman Domingo do anything.

HM - Tick Tick Boom (I feel that workshop scene, man), ITH, Sound of Metal, Army of the Dead, The Suicide Squad,

AMAZING - Dear Evan Hansen

Disappointments: Eternals, Shang Chi, Encanto, Beans (loved the premise, felt it was a bit overwritten despite beautiful performances), Zack Synder’s Justice League, Raya and the Last Dragon, the Prom, Cinderella

TV SHOWS - I saw a lot more and also a lot less

1 - Sort Of

2 - A Place Further than the Universe

3 - Kaguya-Sama: Love is War

4 - Squid Game

5 - Alice in Borderland

HMs - Wandavision, Hawkeye, Loki

I AM WATCHING EUPHORIA AND JUST GOT ACCESS TO CRAVE SO I’M CATCHING UP LEAVE ME ALONE.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 2 years

Text

1:46

A lot of good things happened to me this year. I’ll talk about that later.

But also, um,

I’m bummed.

I didn’t feel this in March 2020, because I didn’t have any gigs.

Somehow during this pandemic, I have gigs. Not just online workshop gigs, real tangible shows with real, large casts. Both shows are large scale, ambitious in scope and are dream projects that I’ve always wanted. Somehow during this pandemic, people actually started hiring me as an artist, which blew my mind. Also, they’re teaching gigs, things that align with my current practise - one of which is IN a theatre school that kicked me out. I spent the fall building relationships with the students and dreaming really big.

I’m not really sure how to process this, this prospect that we’re going to most likely be producing online again.

I know it’s silly, I have to get over it, and I have lots of other things going on, it’s just that this directing was kind of huge for me. I’ve been stuck on a fringe circuit for years.

I don’t understand my career. I really don’t. Sometimes things happen and then sometimes they just vanish.

I hope this isn’t just one of those things that vanishes.

I feel accountable for my students.

But even as I write this, I think it’s just another creative challenge.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 3 years

Text

5:47

doing this early this year because I’m procrastinating.

2020 was good to me. I know that sounds really shitty to say, but it really was. I completed two drafts of new plays, acquired some steady teaching work, had my first professional production, started a fund that helped some artists in my hometown, got an HST number from just doing pure theatre work and felt really artistically fulfilled. Strangely enough, a lot of my good fortune started happening once the pandemic started, which is currently baffling to me.

1 - In January, I entered a mediation with a bunch of old classmates and another individual. I can’t legally say what happened in the mediation, but I can say that it had a really profound effect on me. I think I entered the mediation ready to destroy this person and ruin them. But I think somewhere in that, I realized that that wasn’t helpful. It’s always weird thinking back to that time in my life (when I started this tumblr actually!) about how sad I was and how lost I felt and how this person and a few other people really made me feel dreadful. Aside from maybe 2 people in my class, I don’t really connect to anyone from that cohort. But hearing and experiencing closure and learning how to forgive someone face to face, who made me feel like I was worthless felt really impactful. I think I want to enter this decade as a more patient person, especially as I start to engage more with teaching work. That period from 10 years ago taught me about the theatremaker I don’t want to be. So, it’s my responsibility to make space to be the opposite of that - to forgive people when they screw up as opposed to hold it against them and be weird.

2 - I adjudicated the U of T drama festival this year! It took me back to Sears days where I’d do a thing and then wait for feedback from a pro. I found the entire experience super inspiring and I took it pretty seriously. Having come from a really terrible theatre school experience right out of high school, as an educator, it’s really important that I don’t play softball with my students, but also don’t destroy them. I really hope my words gave them confidence as well as things to build upon. I kind of want to be the educator I didn’t have when I originally came to Toronto 10 years ago and only encountered quite recently. There’s also a kind of refreshing lack of cynicism when it comes to student-led/non pro work (more on this later) that I think I’ve been missing in my practise.

3 - I let a group of friends down on a project where I put people in harm’s way. I didn’t stand up for them when bad things happened. As someone who prides himself on making rooms safe, being on the outside of that situation was disturbing and unacceptable. The experience also taught me something I’ve been learning through my whole “career”. It doesn’t matter how prestiguous the institution is. If you don’t feel safe, if you don’t feel comfortable, if you feel isolated and alone, get out. Career advancement shouldn’t destroy you. Aside from the project itself, the environment of being in a mostly white, aggressively conservative town is something I never want to do again -no matter the money or how it’ll move you forward. It’s something I want to put into my personal contract to myself. Unflinchingly.

4 - Similarly, I think I need to incorporate this mentality into the projects/people I work with. I’m down to be challenged, but if someone makes me feel terrible about myself/I get a vibe that they don’t really believe in my work, I need to not engage with them. Sometimes I get starstruck, or I try to please or impress people because I fear of what they’ll think of me in the larger community. I think if I have that fear, maybe that relationship isn’t one I want to explore. I want to work with collaborators who get excited about the same shit I’m excited by, who push me to be better, but who want to run with me as opposed to at their pace.

5 - From March to July 2020, I was trapped in Hamilton, Ontario for over 100 days (thank you, Spring Awakening + COVID). For all of my yammering about how much I loved my hometown in my last post, I was fucking miserable. I have very few friends who currently live in the city, living with two very risk adverse people (as they should be) and feeling like I was trapped in a city that I have complex feelings about was really terrible. I hadn’t been trapped in Hamilton against my will since I got kicked out of Ryerson. From March to May, I was probably the saddest I’d been in a while. I started going to bed at stupid times because I didn’t want to be awake for most of the day. I played a lot of video games, cooked a lot, but creatively I kind of hit a snag. I don’t want to live in Hamilton. I want to create stuff there, but I know I don’t belong in the city. The place has such a weird energy and reminds me of my past failures. It sucks the energy out of me and brings me back to a time where I felt like I had no control over my career and was destined to become a hobbyist in the arts.

6 - During this time, I was sort of kind of busy. I finally made a website, I made a fancy video for a general audition (which actually landed me employment/a relationship with the company!). But most importantly, I think I finally got what Nina was saying. I do have no direction in my career because I’m not applying for things. I’m not reaching out to companies and answering their calls. I haven’t really freelanced. Spring Awakening at HTI, while great for what it was (before we got shut down), was actually an incredibly safe choice. if I really want to do this seriously, why am I not trying to get into pro rooms? Going from festivals to spring was a weird move, but maybe it needed to happen because it made me realize that this isn’t me taking control of my career, this is me taking a step backwards into something I know I can do. When everything re-opens, I do have some gigs lined up, but I want to be aggressive in reaching out to ADs and companies as a director. I never want to be in a situation where I’m trapped in Hamilton with piles of unproduced plays again. I want to get out there and hunt for producing opportunities. Being trapped made me realize that I’d kind of always been trapped and just floating by.

7 - June was kind of a saving grace. Somewhere in the mire of the pandemic, York University came a calling and wanted to commission a new play for their 2020/2021 season. I initially found this really daunting - the plays I’d been working on in the past few years had taken years to write and had led nowhere. My writing lately had been pretty sloppy and well....bad. I said yes, though, because I figured it’d keep me busy. This project kind of made my whole year. Having a dramaturg who wanted to jive with me and build on my ideas was something I hadn’t been engaged with in a long time. Having a team be really excited about the work I was putting out was also kind of thrilling and a novel experience (the last solo written play I’d put up was over 4 years ago). Getting paid a real wage as a playwright for production was something I’d never experienced before. I’m dangerously proud of HAGS, as it made me realize that I can actually write plays and get them put up. That yes, it’s important to take your time, but I can actually be produced and produced on someone else’s terms and timeline.

8 - June also led to the birth of the Garden Project, an initiative created to not only challenge the benign racism of Hamilton’s regional theatre, but also to actually get people in the city paid. Alongside a team of 6 producers, we raised $18000 dollars in a VERY short amount of time. We also gave that money out almost immediately, which was great. If Aquarius won’t do something, we will. We were also called racists for doing the project, which was hilarious. Never change, Hamilton.

9 - Myself, Senjuti and Claire took on Aquarius over what seemed like an endless summer of back and forth emails. I don’t know if anything will change, but we were able to hold a theatre publicly accountable and pressure them into not hiring another man who gaslights his accusers. I will also admit that my participation in this crusade is highly influenced by the fact that this will not effect my career in the slightest. I don’t work professionally in the city. They can’t hurt me.

10 - Arriving back in Toronto as I finished the Ministry of Mundane Mysteries was probably one of the most touching things that happened to me this year. Standing on the balcony during the summer and hearing Hadestown blast over a phone speaker to me was like coming home in a real way. I belong in this city. This is where I want to make work.

11 - Alongside a production draft of HAGS, I finished a full draft of PING! Loads of issues and work to do, but it feels like a step in a more personal direction. Most importantly, I actually did the thing. After giving up on a project I’ve been working on for 4 years, PING feels like a new direction for me, one grounded in my own experiences, interests and fears.

12 - I started running! This deserves it’s own post because it’s to hold myself accountable. I still hate sweating, but doing physical exercise is something I want to keep going post pandemic.

13 - I’m, um, directing Shakespeare maybe next year. We’ll see how that goes.

14 - I guess my final thoughts for 2021 are to keep pushing myself to apply for things I don’t think I’m ready for (NOT ADing), to stop waiting for things to happen to me and to take the same charge of my career post pandemic that I did pre-pandemic. Aside from the nightmare of the pandemic, 2020 was a rejuvenating year that made me realize that I’m still capable of doing this on all fronts. Whether that be new play creation, working as an educator with One Song Glory, York University, Hart House and UTM, directing stuff or just learning how to be accountable for things and supporting young, exciting artists, I want to be the theatremaker I looked up to 10 years ago. One I didn’t have at Ryerson. And I feel I’m doing that.

VIDEO GAMES (I PLAYED A LOT. In order.)

1 - Last of Us Part 2 - I will defend this game to the end of time. This game made me a better person and really taught me about empathy, forgiveness, but most importantly that you can don’t have to like someone to forgive them. I feel a lot of gamers missed the point with this one, or didn’t want to engage with Abby for their own reasons, which is fine. But a character doesn’t have to be likeable to be well written. The game is structured so you don’t consider her perspective until you hate her guts, which is kind of how life works. In this essay I will....

2 - Hades - Hades is the most fun I’ve made in a game in a really, really, really long time. Addictive gameplay, an ever evolving story and incredible re-playability makes it something I keep going back to for 4 hour bursts (the time really flies by!). Hades is a game where I thought about it when I wasn’t playing it. Radical.

3 - Night in the Woods - Is one of the best written games I’ve ever played. Super nuanced, really well written, I had to stop playing to be like, damn, this is good. The music also slaps.

4 - Crash Bandicoot 4 - is old school platforming done right. Really hard levels. twitch controls. Gorgeous design. Loads of collectables.

5 - Wide Ocean Big Jacket - is a 2 hour adventure game that’s cute, sweet, really well written, and a great game to play with buds.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Moonlighter, The Witcher 3, Cyberpunk 2077 (IS FINE. Everyone is mad.), Control, Yakuza 0 (just started. Really dig it!), Detroit: Become Human

DISAPPOINTMENTS: Wandersong (I didn’t like the art. I know this is super weird, but the art style didn’t click for me and made me disengage from the game), Spider-man (the gameplay was dull for me and Peter doesn’t really grow or change), Banner Saga (I just can’t get into the gameplay or the UI).

PLAYS (not in order)

1 - Oil

2 - 4inxchange

3 - kitne saare laloo yahan pey hain

4 - Ministry of Mundane Mysteries

5 - Heroes of the Fourth Turning

HM - Deer Woman, Karen Hines’ nightmare Windsor Play

TV SHOWS/MOVIES (not in order)

1 - Haikyuu

2 - Queen’s Gambit

3 - Survivor Season 40

4 - Run with the Wind

5 - The Platform

HM’s: Encore! Never Have I Ever, High School Musical 2, Fast and Furious 6, Bad Boys as a franchise

Disappointments: The entire Twilight Saga, Triple X as a franchise, High School Musical 1+2

Hoping for a vaccine in April, but like, lol.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 4 years

Note

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

i don’t know

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 4 years

Text

1:49 AM

Here we go

1 - I got heat stroke at Fringe this year. Like really bad heat stroke. I overworked myself in building a set by myself in a humid garage, co-ran a theatre festival at the Assembly and also directed a show. I didn’t have any fun during Fringe. We reviewed pretty well, except for Now Magazine, which tainted our sales. And that got me thinking - why am I depending on the Fringe as a source of happiness? I put over 100 hours into News Play, was compensated poorly for it and had a lousy time. It wasn’t the money that was making me happy, it was desperately trying to find out if people liked the damn thing. That’s pretty fucked up. I’ve done 10 fringes in 8 years on profit share. It’s time to stop. I worry sometimes I’ll be like those old Fringe vets who do it every year. My career can’t be so dependent on the happiness of others and their knee jerk reactions toward my work. Either I have to be compensated fairly or I have to really love the project to direct a show again.

2 - I won an award this year. My first award since Sears. It’s funny, because this happened before Fringe, but it kind of lit a fire in me. I need to start seeking work outside of the festival circuit. I spent a good month whining to colleagues and peers about my lack of employment, but I soon realized that that wasn’t doing me any good. If I don’t start seeking out paid directing work, I’ll be doing the festival circuit forever. The award gave me the confidence to pursue open calls for directors. I feel I can use it as a bartering chip now. Let’s see how long that lasts.

3 - I repaired a relationship with an artistic leader that had been fried for years. After holding in a lot of animosity and paranoia, I finally met with them and talked and apologized. We’re on good terms now, but I think it was a kind of groundshaking moment for me. I think confronting my fears of inadequacy and rejection is something I have to deal with for the rest of my artistic life. I felt a little braver after this one.

4 - GA TING happened. It was a success. A ridiculous success. It kind of felt like a coming of age - going into a room where I knew NO ONE, using my process and coming out the other side. GA TING taught me that I don’t need to keep working with people I know, or have that safety net to make good work. Also, working with a finished script was such a blessing that I’d forgotten.

5 - I acted again. This story has a payoff that I can’t talk about, but getting paid a workshop rate to perform was one of the most liberating things I experienced this decade. It’s kind of linked back to the award. This time last year, I started this tumblr as an incredibly depressed Ryerson kick out. I didn’t know where I was going. I knew Id be trapped in Hamilton for the next few months. And I did it. I made the most of it. I’m not totally confident in the artist I am now, but to act again and to feel good about my work in front of a larger audience made me feel good. Like really good. I don’t have a desire to perform again, but if I was asked, I would do it.

6 - A chapter is closing in my life. One ten years in the making. I’m not scared of it. I’m kind of excited. I’m not who I was ten years ago. I think I’m better now.

7 - I taught a lot this fall. I re-opened Swan for humber. I taught high schoolers drafting. I taught UTM movement. I never really thought of myself as a teacher, but I kind of like it. A lot. I think i’ve always been opposed to hierarchies in education (having had a rough go of it in theatre school). So maybe that’s something that’s fuelling me.

8 - I buried my grandfather this winter. It was a long time coming. I think I suppressed most of the feelings I had, so little things trigger me back to that day. I think I said my goodbyes a long time ago though. I worry I’m not making time for my grandparents. I worry that even when they’re around, I’m not making time.

9 - I’m directing Spring Awakening at HTI next May. I know. Going from Soulpepper to community theatre’s been humbling, but kind of rewarding in it’s own way. Every day is filled with new challenges, but also new hopes for a more diverse Hamilton.

10 - I made the choice to start working on some projects in Hamilton. I don’t know if this is a good idea, but I wonder how helpful I am in Toronto. I’ll never move back here, but Nina said something that really stuck with me. I’m winning residencies and grants, but I have no direction. As an artist I stand for nothing. Well maybe Hamilton can be the start of that. Maybe I can funnel everything I’ve been learning from new play development into making this city better for people. Maybe I can win funding so people can make the place home that I ran away from.

Nine years ago, I was sitting in this kitchen. My Dad was locked in at work. My Mom was going to serve a Christmas dinner that would make her cry. My brother described me as selfish. I was lying to my family and sneaking off to Pittman Hall to hang out with my friends so I wouldn’t have to stay at home. My aunt would die in 2 months.

Eight years ago, I was in Florida desperately trying to stay in the Paprika Festival after being threatened that I was being removed from it for missing a training day.

Seven Years ago, I was desperately trying to write a Toronto Fringe Play that was doomed to fail.

Six Years ago, I was desperately trying to write a show for Theatre Aquarius that would make me believe in my work again. I was also writing a play about Rowers that would never be successful.

Five years ago, I was finishing that play about rowers and trying to organize a dance show that two actors would quit (and I would never get over)

Four years ago, I had gotten into the Toronto Fringe again with some weird Asian battle play that I thought would fail like all of my other fringe ventures. I was interviewing my grandmother about being Chinese with questions I could barely connect to.

Three Years ago, I was sick as a dog, sending that same Asian battle play to Next Stage. I was writing a show about a road trip to Seattle that will still haunt me. I got food poisoning and frostbite after seeing La La Land in Toronto.

Two years ago, I felt like I was on top of the world, like nothing could destroy me and I was going to be produced in my favourite theatre’s season immediately.

Last year, I had finished my first professional theatre gig, but somehow felt like I had missed something along the way.

I’ve stopped thinking about my career as a roller coaster, but more like a steady beat. Everything leads to something new.

Films

1 - Jojo Rabbit

2 - Booksmart

3 - Far From Home

4 - Parasite

5 - Knives out

Honourable Mentions: The Farewell, CATS, Crazy Rich Asians (I actually saw it this year), Endgame

Disappointments: Captain Marvel, Joker, The Rise of Skywalker, Marriage Story

Plays

1 - School Girls (Or the African Mean Girls Play)

2 - Boy Falls From the Sky

3 - The Jungle

4 - Pass Over

5 - Iphigenia and the Furies

Also: Dissidents is my favourite play of 2018. There I said it. Dance nation also made me so amped I couldn’t sleep

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 5 years

Text

12:41 AM

Movies

1 - Thoroughbreds

2 - I Tonya (I SAW IT THIS YEAR. SHUT UP.)

3 - The Miseducation of Cameron Post

4 - Infinity War

5 - Black Klansman

BUT ALSO MANIAC. Maniac is everything I want.

HM’s: Into the Spider-Verse, Eighth Grade, Solo (WAS FINE), A Star is Born

Disappointments: Black Panther, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Disobedience, Sorry to Bother You, Green Book, Call me by your name, The Greatest Showman, Incredibles 2, Boy Erased

Video Games (I played them this year!)

1 - Celeste

2 - Life is Strange (SHUT UP I JUST PLAYED IT THIS YEAR)

3 - Smash

4 - BLOODBORNE

5 - God of War

Note: Why am I buying these at full price again?

Plays

1 - The Philosopher’s Wife

2 - Dry Land

3 - No Foreigners

4 - B!tch Island (The Musical!)

5 - Fuck it, come from away.

Also cool: Brothers Gentle, Dr. Silver, Harlem Duet, Peter Pan, What I call her

I can’t really talk about a lot of my theatre experiences, but I feel that I’m starting to value work that’s ballsier in what it has to say. Toronto can feel like an echo chamber at times, especially in the arts. I’d rather offend someone than be boring. I’m tired of championing work because it’s important. It has to be good.

Which leads me to.

Yellow Rabbit.

We had our soulpepper debut, but somewhere along the way we lost our balls. It was amazing seeing our production go up, filled with bells an whistles, but I think (at least as a writer), for my part, we lost what made us so popular at fringe. Silk Bath had balls. It really went for the jugular, whether I agreed with the politic or not. Somewhere along the way, I think we lost that killer drive. We placated too many people and seemed to - for the most part - lose our core demographic, who generally expressed disappointment toward the production or “it’s a workshop” sensibilities. Personally, I’m still processing that. By placating so many people, we ultimately let a lot of them down.

Ironically, a lot of older Chinese folks and high schoolers fucking loved the show in it’s simplicity and bells and whistles. I’m so incredibly proud of the production and team, I just feel as a writer it was a step backward. Mixed feelings and I can’t help but hold myself accountable.

What was great about Rabbit though was the knowledge that we can do this. We can pull a show together and actually pay people what they’re worth. Our work can look fantastic. We can produce on this scale again.

It’s sort of like 2013 fringe for me. I’m feeling less discouraged and more eager to jump back into the ring again. We sold out our run, we had some positivity around the production, but I’m eager to get back into the incubator to break it apart and to take our time.

Everyone Wants a T-shirt!

We now live in a world where our joke of a play is considered a better show than Silk Bath Collective’s professional debut. T-shirt did stupidly well. We sold out our entire run in the backspace, won patron’s pick, got all of these accolades and twitter buzz. The show looked beautiful. It had such a caustic energy around it

We actually tried this year. It was stupid at how well we did.

I feel Madeleine and I have a process now. Now we just need to do it again.

Goodbyes

How ironic that I did this sanctimonious post last year about saying goodbyes to folks that I didn’t realize it would happen to me to some degree this year. I think though, i’m realizing that while it’s important to acquiesce, it’s also important to stand your ground. Otherwise you’re a jellyfish.

I’ve been a jellyfish for too long, I think.

Mentorship

I had the opportunity to mentor a bunch of high schoolers in a hilarious summer up in Thornhill. While the experience was definitely a pilot year (and I was gifted with an incredibly intelligent young director who barely needed my help), I was so stunned with the work the next generation is doing. I had no idea what shadism was when I was 15. I learned so much from being in that room and how rewarding it was to work with young people.

On the flip side, the PTTP totally took me by surprise with Cahoots. I really admired the way Marjorie placed her trust in people and let them lead. I think that’s why she makes such a good leader. She holds her ground, but also really trusts folks. And they trust her. I remember a few years back I did this workshop with Soheil and I micromanaged a lot of actors to middling effects. If I deny their artistry and their impulses, they lose their voices and all end up sounding the same. I think as a director you create a container (and you must!), but if you don’t give the actors room to play and build, they lose something really important.

With Ga Ting, I think I’ve been gifted with a cast that really goes for it in the play, so it really feels like a collaboration. It’s changed how I work. Maybe Ga Ting will totally fail, but I feel that it’s probably one of my best directing processes.

All in all, I think while I learned to chill out last year, this year I think I learned to kind of stick to my guns. There are things I know and have a firm understanding of. If I keep bending myself for other people, it’s just going to make my work worse.

My beef stew was chewy when I made it for my family.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 6 years

Text

4:10 PM

I can’t say a lot of things for lots of reasons.

TOP 5 (which I can talk about). In no order.

PLAYS

The Last Wife was my biggest surprise of the year. I went into it thinking I’d hate it, but was charmed by the pace of the script, the quick staging, the ensemble and pretty much everything about it.

Passing Strange made me actually appreciate a musical which I’ve long hated.

Prince Hamlet made me get Hamlet for the first time.

Fish Eyes Trilogy was a masterclass in BAM.

Superior Donuts had one of my favourite fights I’ve ever seen on a Toronto Stage. Corner Gas meets violence. So much heart and an incredible set.

BONUS CREDITS: Delirium, Pearle Harbour’s Chataqua, True North Mixtape, Less, Dolphin,

FILMS

3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - Loved how you cared about every single character.

Lady Bird - Coming of Age done right. So economic aside from a kind of extra ending.

Get Out - I’ve never seen Luke cry in a theatre before or an entire theatre cheer when a hero finally gets his justice. I’ve also never felt as relieved as I did when the ending came. So well thought out.

Baby Driver - Style for dayyys. Jamie Foxx, Eiza Gonzalez and John Hamm kill it.

The Disaster Artist - Made me sniffle a bit I loved how they didn’t go for the cheap laugh in making fun of Tommy Wiseau. You really get that he tried to make this movie in spite of his utter lack of ability.

Bonus Credits: It, The Florida Project, Ingrid Goes West, Coco, Shape of Water, Logan, Wonder Woman, A Silent Voice, Your Name

Games

Dragon Age Inquisition - I sunk 80 hours into this and still haven’t beaten it.My quinari mage will reign someday.

Persona 5(!) - Futaba’s social link is probably my favourite social link in all personas because it deals with anxiety, trauma and agoraphobia in a way that I dunno....just works for me. I also love how you’re actually an underdog in this one. Everyone hates you because you’re a criminal, so the bonds you form are actually REAL. Sure there’s a load of problematic stuff (which is IMO, more a problem with Japanese RPGs as a whole regarding the way they treat women and queer folk), and the villains are saturday morning cartoon characters, and the plot falls apart at the end, but I think the idea of a bunch of losers banding together will ALWAYS appeal to me. It’s the only Persona where i cared about the main story more than the social links. In fact, it’s also the only persona where I didn’t want to romance anyone because they seemed like real, cool, people.

Breath of the Wild (my first Zelda! - If Studio Ghibli and Skyrim had a baby. I loved how the story existed if you sought it out, but wasn’t there if you didn’t make an effort to find it. I loved Zelda’s character development. I loved how much PERSONALITY the world had and how sparse it was. I didn’t like the young female voice acting (why are they speaking in their headvoice). And that SCORE THOUGH. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mETAEJY_rk8

Tales of Berseria - Combat was completely underwhelming and the backtracking sucked, but there was something so endearing about playing as antagonists that I really appreciated. Especially considering how in the first hour you burn half a bishonen’s face off. I also cried like a baby. Next to Abyss, one of the best Tales stories for me. Too bad the combat is broken and the world is boring af. If only they could have the world of Vesperia, the story of Abyss/Vesperia and the combat of Graces (which they almost did, but Velvet breaks the game), then we’d be set. Also, get Go Shiina back. Motoi needs a break.

Doki Doki Literature Club - Um. Yeah. I beat this 12 hours ago and can’t stop thinking about it. 2017′s undertale for me. I loved how not only it bent the game save file, but also fucked with the game files itself. One of the more interesting meta narratives I’ve come across. It also raises (though could be explored deeper) some of the problematic elements of moe visual novels, especially in that Monika seems to be unable to control how much she loves you due to her programming. Monika’s awareness that she’s in a game and her frustration toward her affection toward the player created some neat subtext in terms of female characters’ agency vs how they’re written. Super well thought out.

Experiences

2017 was a year of trust for me. Trusting myself, processes and knowing when to let things be.

Silk Bath - continues to be an unexpected surprise. We nearly sold out our entire NSTF run and have a little residency through tarragon’s workspace program. I also think that we’re finally learning what the heart of the play is about and how to work together as a collective.

Bathtub Girls/Weesageechak/Cahoots - I got my first pro dramaturgy gig this year and finally worked with artists who I’ve never met before. AHHH. Both experiences were illuminating in radically different ways. I think, if anything, working as a dramaturg has given me the ability to trust in other artists more. From the work with the foremen, to being in natural resources and now training as a dramaturg, I’d like to think I’m becoming a better collaborator and facilitator rather than dictator director. Madeleine Says Sorry this summer (an unexpected hit) had a very different directorial process because I feel I trusted the artists more than I usually do. I still have my usual rigor, but sometimes letting things happen and planting seeds is better than bluntly throwing someone down a corridor so to speak.

Knife - continues to be developed at Factory. I’ve never been in development with a script this long, but it’s so informative to be in a process where a company is invested in it’s development first rather than rushing it to the stage. It’s been all sorts of challenging in ways where I feel I’ve almost got it, but then missed, or moments where I think I’ve blown it and it actually works. I think one of my biggest realizations from 2016 was that I can’t rush work out. And with Knife, I’m learning the benefits of taking my time, but also what a longer commitment feels like when the inside (does that sound gross). As it continues to shift and change, I’m excited to see where it goes. It’s good also knowing that someone has your back. I’m going into a workshop in April, but there’s still loads more work to do, which is both daunting and exciting.

I NOW KNOW HOW TO MAKE BEEF STEW WITH TENDER MEAT - So like not really an accomplishment, but fuck it, it’s actually a big one. Beef Stew is my favourite food of maybe all time. More than sushi, more than pasta, more than anything. My family on my mom’s side used to run the only Chinese restaurant in levack. They had to feed miners, so they learned how to make their food. It’s a family recipe that’s not really a secret, but no one knows how to make it as good as my Poi Poi. My version is a little different, but it tastes great! - and this is weird - it makes me feel more a part of my family than anything else.

Knowing when to leave - I left two theatre companies I helped found this year. There are a lot of reasons associated with this (both personal and not so personal), but I think I’m figuring out what I want as an artist and my personal ethos in making work. And there’s some things I’m not willing to compromise.

2017 was a development year, but strangely enough by NOT putting out so much work, I feel even more connected to my community and my peers through my work. I feel like - if just a little - I’m more present in shows and conversations. But most importantly, I think I’m not trying as hard as I used to. I’m trying to let my work speak for itself and live a normal, beef stewy life.

Onwards!

1 note · View note

mystomachfeelsawful · 7 years

Text

2016 - 2:18 AM

The world fucking exploded this year.

Experiences (In no particular order)

What a turnaround.

1 - Fringe 2016 was an amazing experience that took me by complete surprise. In no way did I expect Silk Bath to sell and review as well as it did (and subsequently connect me to a bunch of Asian artists). Truth be told, I thought Silk Bath would be an utter disaster until we opened. Boy was I wrong. Probably the best produced, most thoughtful Fringe show I’ve ever worked on with an amazing cast and process. Silk Bath also changed the way I look at my practice as a theatremaker, especially as a community builder with my work. No more all white casts. Diversity and especially shows where diversity is an essential part of the storytelling is one of the factors that makes theatre such a community building art form. I used to call myself an underdog playwright, revealing and empowering groups that were not present in theatre. Brown stories are underdog stories and i’ll continue to carry them with me. My grandpa’s blood is in me after all

My one distinctive memory from SB was that after one show, this Caucasian woman refused to leave the theatre because she was crying so much. She was reaching out to the actors, trying to help them. Pretty fucking metal.

Having now cast two shows with all brown casts, I’m wondering why the fuck people are finding it so hard in this city. Why is it so difficult to cast a group of people who represent what the city looks like?

Rowing also KILLED it this Fringe. Hamilton, why did I even bother with you.

2 - The foremen experience was a wonderful pick up up from a pretty mediocre 2015 where I thought I was a real lousy director. I learned that I do have a process and it does work and it also works with actors I don’t know/am intimidated by. I still have a lot to learn, but after taking a bit of a pummeling in 2015, the Foremen was a great way to remind myself that I can sort of be effective at this

3 - The Incubator Happened! After 2 years of talking about it, we finally did it. So many hiccups along the way and although we didn’t lose money, none of the producers made anything on any of the shows (except for maybe one, but that’s because he’s a rockstar). We put on 8 plays in 8 months. Mission accomplished.

4 - #SwanTO was a thing that happened as well. I’ve never mounted a show where I felt so supported technically. God, what a big show. Swan is the last of my shows i”ll direct, as I think I learned that I can’t do both after it. All said and done, it’s probably the tightest show I’ve ever worked on directorially and i’m super proud of those 6 ladies for leaving it all on the stage. I’m not finished with this play, but I’m incredibly satisfied with how it was received, how it sold and how we told our story.

5 - Fringe 2017 is going to be hilarious. Maddie got in as a joke and now we have to make something. I’m also mayybe going to Winnipeg, but we’ll see how that goes.

Bonus - Soulpepper Academy Auditions, Seeing 28 plays at Summerworks, Catering a Susur Lee event, being on the receiving and giving end of developing new work

Plays

1 - Hamilton (technically a cheat)

2 - Situational Anarchy / 4 and a half ignoble truths (and I haaate 1 man shows) - Summerworks

3 - False Start (Toronto Fringe)

4 - Cam Baby (Toronto Fringe)

5 - The Last Scene in the Unending

Honourable Mentions: Two Indians, The Bathtub Girls(!!!), I’m not here

Discoveries / NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

1 - I desperately need to stop directing my own work. I also need to stop putting things up so quickly. I think I’m ready to let my own direction and playwriting take different journeys.

2 - FILIPINO FOOD.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MAGIC IN MY MOUTH. Investing in a slow cooker almost immediately.

3 - I need to stop investing myself in projects I’m not passionate about.

4 - I think I can do this thing in this city

5 - Always listen to Logan. He’s right. Always. Also, your memory is often stronger than your brain or your heart.

6 - Be generous in your work. I’m lucky enough to be beginning a mentorship with an artist whose work I deeply admire. The most important thing she told me at the beginning of our mentorship was to be generous. Don’t get mad and post about it, create opportunities for others in everything you do. That’s something that needs to be in everything I do as a theatre maker in my practice and my work. I’m making this to tell stories that’ll reach people. Otherwise I’m just wanking.

7 - Give yourself time to develop things. Don’t dive until you’re ready.

8 - Strive to be better, always. Surround yourself with people who inspire and terrify you, not the folks at the bar talking about what they could’ve/should’ve done. Know when to cut those people out of your life. Also, avoid people who set things on fire, especially your own projects. Avoid basements. Avoid astroturf. Avoid toxicity. Know the community has your back when you need it. Know that you have an obligation to the community in ACTION not empty words.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 8 years

Text

2015

Theatre

1. Brantwood

2. Butcher - (!!!)

3. Fornes x2 - (!!!)

4. Pool (No Water)

5. Once

Honourable Mentions: Oh what a lovely war, Spoon River, Banana boys

Take Away: Vicious, aggressive stuff is really appealing to me.

Experiences - it’s always the odd years that get me.

1 - 10/10/10′s first process in January was awful, mostly attributed to myself and poor management of time and resources and spine. I got lazy and paid the price for it. I’m more organized now, but shiit was that a bad experience for the cast. I can’t run a show like that again.

2 - Hamilton Fringe - taught me that I don’t belong in this city anymore. Especially with...

3 - Grants! Fall 2015 was such a turnaround after summer 2015. Sheesh.

4 - Fu-GEN’s kitchen experience allowed me to hear my work not directed by me.

5 - Moving downtown. Like not with brother, actually downtown. There’s so much energy there.

Honourable Mentions: My cist, The Factory Foremen experience, Rowing’s last week in Toronto, quitting my first job for non school related reasons, that dinner at Shawn Kerwin’s house

Takeaway: I want to continue being in a position where I have stuff lined up constantly with room for advancement. I can’t afford to be in places where i can’t advance or can be content to settle.

Discoveries

1 - Ben Howard (Whaaaat)

2 - Jessica Jones

3 - Star Wars is good again

4 - Catering is an okay gig

5 - I don’t have to create theatre for everyone. I don’t have to create likeable heroes.Letdowns: Of Monsters and Men’s new CD. Yuck.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 9 years

Text

4:00

The future belongs to those who make things.

0 notes

mystomachfeelsawful · 9 years

Text

11:56

Top 5 of 2014

Theatre:

1 - Lungs (Tarragon)

2 - Brotherhood: The Hip Hopera (b current)

3 - Brother's Book Part 2 (Theatre at York!)

4 - Retreat (Brouhaha)

5 - Komunka (Hammertheatre/Hamilton Fringe)

Honourable Mentions: Sextet, Cockfight, Watch Out Wildkat, Sperm Wars, The Mountaintop

Plays Seen This year: 50

Resolution: SEE MORE PLAYS AT BUDDIES.

Films (seen this year, not necessarily came out this year)

1.Birdman x 7

2.Whiplash

3.Gone Girl

4.Guardians of the Galaxy

5.The Cat Returns

Honourable Mentions: Foxcatcher, Moneyball, Interstellar, The Lego Movie, Maleficent

Disappointments: Wind rises, Pom Poko, X-men: Days of Future Past, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Short Term 13, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, The Wedding Singer

Still need to see: Wild

Resolution: Listen to Joel

Experiences

1. Here 2.0 (May 2014) - Redemption is never illegal. Amazing team, pretty flawless process, good turn out. Wish we had more of our network in attendance, but a solid A for effort. I think I can finally let it go now, dancers and all. Show still isn't perfect, but I can put it aside and sleep on it without it getting nightmares. And hey: first pro gig!

2. A Language for Dogs (Like October 2013-July 2014) - The little engine that could. All of the stupid effort, all of the getting lost finally came through in a great way. It was nice working with a group of people who really wanted to fight for the show throughout the Fringe. DT actually came through. Combined with the party atmosphere of this year's Hamilton Fringe, I can't wait for next years.

3. Pickle Barrel (March-September 2014) - Serving isn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Then again, it was. Then again, it wasn't. Lost my walet 2 times, made some friends, some not friends. Would totally do it again. Just not right now. Way better than BK though.

4. I got a text from someone in LA this October. Really put things into perspective. I need to leave this city. I can't stay in Hamilton when I graduate. Not now. It put a good fire under my ass.

5. Closure (February 2014). I went to a party for one of my buds' and former ryerson compatriots. I had an okay time. I got to talk to people I haven't spoken to in ages. After this year and everything else, I feel I've got something bigger to stand on. It may sound really stupid, but 4 years later, I'm happy I went there. Because then none of this would've happened.

For next year:

- Get a house in Toronto

- Get work in Toronto

- be employed in theatre six months after graduation (box office is okay!)

- produce and direct 10/10/10. Do better this time.

- produce and direct Rowing. Do better this time.

- don't get distracted

- remember why you're doing this.

0 notes