mystorythrumyeyes-blog

[mystorythrumyeyes-blog]

Day 4

It’s been a nightmare trying to set up the appointment, I’ve honestly never spent so much time on hold lol but finally I’ve got one for a consultation and same day treatment in two weeks! It was really frustrating at times because I just felt like I was being passed around from organisation to organisation with so many issues coming up because of where I lived and not being eligible and other annoying stuff, but I’m so glad its done now, hopefully all will go well.

I’m gonna stay at uni for the next week then go home and on the friday will be the day, I’m relieved honestly but I keep getting a little voice like almost trying to convince me to do otherwise. I know it’s not the things fault but I’m not in the position to bring a child into the world, not now. I don’t have a job, no money, no house, financially dependent on my parents and the same goes for my boyfriend. It would be selfish to allow it to be born into a life of suffering basically and I know I would resent it for stopping my life. I wouldn’t be able to finish my degree and reach the success I know I can, and neither could it’s father and that’s something I can’t sacrifice.

I keep getting moments of spirituality too, like will God forgive me for what I’m going to do? Will he mark me as a full blown sinner? A murderer? But better that than bring a child that I don’t want, I would resent and that I can’t provide for.

A part of me, whenever I think of keeping it, knows that I don’t truly understand the gravity of keeping it. This is not a thing, a pet or a possession which I can choose to ignore when I get bored of it or frustrated, this is a BABY. A LIFE, something which would need my constant attention, forever. And I can’t fully comprehend that, but all I do know is I can’t give it what it needs. I can’t sacrifice the time, energy, money - I simply don’t have it.

Having a baby is a mammoth responsibility, one I know I can’t cope with. I just need to keep remembering that whenever that voice pipes up. My boyfriend isn’t really helping either tbh, I told him I wasn’t eating well and he said “You’ll starve it” and just comments like that make me think maybe he wants to keep it? And I need him to be on my side and reassure me that what I’m doing is right for both of us. Because it is. 

Honestly, just counting down the days till the appointment, praying it goes well and hoping my parents don’t notice anything whilst I’m home.

[mystorythrumyeyes-blog]

day 2

I’m still trying to come to terms with this... with everything and my strategy is to bury my head in the sand and just look forward. In hopefully 2 weeks or less my life will be back to normal again, with hopefully no complications and no one knowing. I was so adamant that I wanted to stay where I am and have it but things are not going to be that way, much to my dismay... Basically the next available appointment was next friday - and my lease ends on the saturday so there was no way I could stay here and get it done and I have no where to stay in Nottingham so basically I have to go home and get it done.

I spent the whole day on the phone basically going around in circles because I wanted to get it done in my hometown but basically can’t because I’m not a registered patient at any of the local GP’s so I’ve been referred to somewhere in London which is relatively nearby to me. I’m expecting a call tomorrow to confirm and hopefully I can have the first initial appointment soon, soon enough that I can travel from where I am.

I keep thinking and it feels like everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by babies, even at the clinic today, there was a baby, as cute as it is... I’m not changing my mind. I’m happy I’m so resolute in my decision and hopefully can retain my sanity. 

Symptoms wise, I’m still nauseous and felt like I would actually throw up today. Right now my stomach is also burning and I feel like I’ll simultaneously throw up and shit myself at the same time lol. I realised that I’ve been having subtle symptoms for a while now, from exhaustion to even going to the gym and finding my chest and lungs burning and struggling to breathe whilst doing exercises I do all the time. I guess its the fragility of a pregnant body, I’m so glad this is going soon.

I was reading up on women’s experiences, particularly the mental side of things and it seems to vary. Some clearly regret it, whilst some say it had little impact upon them. As cruel as this sounds, and tbh I don’t really think of it as that cruel, I’m excited to get this done and over with, to begin living my life and not be scared anymore. I think this will be a valuable lesson and pray nothing goes wrong. I can’t wait for the feeling of relief and to actually feel calm again

[mystorythrumyeyes-blog]

I think I’m so calm because it hasn’t sunken in yet, this doesn’t seem real. No where in my future did I predict this happening, I guess I knew it was always a risk but I guess you never expect it to happen to you. Until it does.

[mystorythrumyeyes-blog]

Day 1

day 1... Im 20 years old and I just found out I’m pregnant... well not just found out, I guess I’ve had an inkling and I thought I’d make this blog just to write my experience of it and I guess kinda help to counter balance the mental effects what is about to happen might have on me.

So yeah, apparently I’m 4 weeks and fuck me I’m scared but also strangely calm. I guess I know it’ll all work out, I’ll get an abortion and hopefully that will be the end of it. And although my mind is thoroughly made up, I still have a little voice in the back of my head. It’s sad bc a thing shouldn’t have to suffer just bc we were careless and irresponsible and just plain fucking stupid.

I remember the night it happened and going to the toilet after and sitting on the toilet seat and thinking FUCK, I guess a part of me then kinda knew I was fucked, and it’s so annoying bc as much as I’d want to blame my bf, it was my fault too, I should’ve encouraged him to put a condom on, but I didn’t. Now here I am. Yes, I, not we bc it seems apparent that as much as my bf loves me, it’s me that has to go through this alone and I have to be strong through it. 

It’s scary as well bc I know people get abortions everyday and are fine but I took the morning after pill too, and thousands if not millions of women take it too and are fine, but I wasn’t. I was in that unlucky 1% and now I’m here and it’s scary and I feel so alone bc I can’t ever tell anyone about this. I was reading of the side effects and I know they’re minimal but I hope I don’t get them and this goes swimmingly, I don’t know what I’d do if it didn’t.

I have the plan formulated, tomorrow morning I’ll take another test just incase but I’m sure the result will be the same then start calling clinics, I’m just worried bc although it said online that the abortion should take place in no more than 2 weeks after the first appointment, what if I can’t get an appointment for this week? And my tenancy runs out in July, what if I can’t get it by then? I pray the process is quick otherwise I’ll have to go home with this and I’m so scared my mum will sense something or idk I’ll be giving off tell tale signs.

I just hope it’s quick. And that it works and that this is the last I’ll ever have to think of this and that this is the one and only time I have to do this.

It’s just that I’m not ready, we’re not ready and I don’t want to bring a child into this world when I know I can do more for it in the future. And god knows what my parents would think, I’m sure I’d be disowned and that can’t happen. This is the best option, for all of us. And I feel no guilt, as bad as that is because I know this is for the best.