nanas-thoughts-blog

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

;_;

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

e

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

just feel safe for a moment..

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

❤

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

#001

When I close my eyes I can't really see the darkness anymore.

Instead, I can see all the things that I have done and that I haven't.

I see all opportunities that I lost because of my lack of motivation.

I see all the little lies that I've said just to stay in my own little comfort zone.

I see all the good things that I missed because of my panic attacks.

I see all the nights when I was trying really hard to fall asleep looking up at the ceiling and thinking about the purpose of living.

I see all the sad faces of my dearest ones that I've hurt unintentionally.

I see all relationships that I've destroyed because of my toxic behavior and also all the relationship that didn't had the opportunity to exist because of me being to terrified of just the thought of destroying them at some point.

I see pictures of people that I was surrounded with since childhood.

Most of them are gone by now.

Although thinking about it still hurts I don't regret meeting them.

From each of those people I've learnt something on my short journey.

I have also learnt a lot about myself.

Being lonely is the worst feeling ever.

Even though you exactly know that you have people around you.

People who care.

You still are all deep into this hole of despair. Telling yourself that you're alone.

It's only because you're misunderstood.

That's the problem.

Or maybe not? Maybe you're alone..

And so you just lock yourself away into this room. Every day lonely suffering. Forgotten by the world.

I'm still very young. I'm aware of that.

But I have so many questions.

And there is no one really to answer them.

At this point one of the most confusing one is:

What exactly "being mature" means?

Since childhood I've been told that I'm too mature for my age.That I'm not like the other kids.

Since then I was overthinking a lot. I was looking at the world and people in a different way than the other kids.

I can't really explain this.

But that was it.

That was me.

A little girl who was always siting quietly at her spot.

Observing people around her.

Thinking a lot before saying a word.

Always scared to say her opinion aloud. Scared from being judged.

A child that was told that has a calming atmosphere around her.

People trusted me very easily.

They felt the need to tell me about their problems.

And they still do.

Although I hate that.

Why?

Well, all the issues that they have told me about were a one little brick more to that wall that I have build in my own mind.

The wall of problems.

That's way too much for a one human to handle.

If you can't solve your own shit and you're taking on your shoulders the problems of others too and you're giving yourself a task to help them no matter what and "save them" then it's most likely that the wall will fall.

And when it will fall you will be stuck under it. Overwhelmed with it.

Crushed.

With the feeling of uselessness.

And the realisation that you're nothing more than an empty and hopeless doll.

Now I'm nineteen and you know what?

I realised that all the people around me that thought that I'm "too mature for my age" were the reason why I actually was like that.

They killed the child in me.

They wanted too much.

They killed my willingness of being a little and innocent child.

Child who shouldn't care about such little things.

A child who shouldn't care about that what other people think about her and just play.

They killed the happiness in this little child.

Her smiling face was something rare to see.

Since then that child lived in a world of elders.

That child was pushed to the world of reality way too early.

They and her awareness of what is happening around her did that to her.

Because she was a child that saw all the bad things that "the older ones" have done.

Although they should be a role models for them.

She saw way too much..

They say that you are really mature when you finally turn eighteen. But how come that I still feel lost and immature.

Lost like a little child.

I don't have a clue what should I do in my life.

I'm scared of it.

Trapped in my own body.

Everyday going through a little fight with it.

Because my body is slowly dying.

I'm still alive but I'm not living anymore, trust me.

My insanity grinded my soul to dust, and fragments of what it once was.

My personality was chipped away bit by bit until nothing remain but an empty husk of the person I used to be.

The grief in my green eyes is choking with its pain all the things I'm looking at.

No one recognise me anymore.

And I don't blame them because I myself even can't do that.

The voice that I'm hearing now is just an empty and emotionless squick.

It's not even a scream for help.

It's just a scary emptiness.

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

edit🔥

[nanas-thoughts-blog]

That's so accurate.

I'm so sorry...

“My life is made up of ‘I’m sorry’. I feel like I have to apologize to people, to things, to life itself. It’s like, ‘I’m sorry to be here’. I don’t want to disturb anyone.”

— Yohji Yamamoto  (via sunflowrprincess)