nanithethottie

[nanithethottie]

dear diary

today was cool .k put flowers in front of my. door. part of me is like aweee but then i think about the things he said and did. it reminds me of my mom and how my dad would do the most fucked up shit and come home with some bullshit gift and all was forgiven over the bare minimum. i dont wanna keep being in relationships that dont serve me. on the other hand v got me flowers and strawbs which was nice, even though we still arent really cool. my mom and sis came yesterday, i treated them to a spa trip then we made heart shaped pizzas. i spent the whole day today off an addy doing work. started late but i was still productive. i started getting mad anxious but i sat with myself and worked through it, which made me feel better i need to keep doing that. im proud of myself for listening to myself, but moving forward i wanna avoid doing certain things and listening to myself more to avoid feeling icky. should i say thank you for the flowers? i think im going to, hope that doesn't open any doors tho. even tho i miss him i needa stop going back. i do so much better when hes not in my energy. tomorrow i wanna go to the gym, listen to my body, and get all my work done and DO WELL ON IT. o also did my nighttime routine and im in bed by 12 period go me ok goodnight

love always nani

[nanithethottie]

dear diary

im emotional; right now I miss my mom and the dogs and sis. im in nyc rn. went to an event last night that shit was crazy. i went with t and a and ngl going out with people makes me miss y. I feel safer when im out with her, even though she be bms. t and a left while i was off shrooms and it was stressfffuulll. the event was packed. it was cool having access into places though. i be feeling special. i am special.

i had s any epiphanys. i was so stressed about this event and did so much running around and it was a messss. im grateful i had a place to stay and was safe though. i thought i looked good. r and m were stressing me out about m outfit the whole time. for so long they would make me feel insecure, but i feel like its bc they are. r wants to be the bad bitch police. he wants to live the life of the pretty girls around him so he likes to be controlling and manipulative. i have to keep reminding myself that the way people treat you is a reflection of themselves. he uses the people around him to make him feel special. one thing i realized now that im loving myself more is that i can stand on my own two feet. sometimes its hard though because im just a kid !!!! the event was so packed and uncomfy but alot of my friends were there so i didnt feel completely lost. i like how ijm learning to be less self conscious and insecure. and im starting to be inspired by other people instead of jealous. so the event was so crazy t and a left. i feltg stupid because i felt like a lost puppy and i was embarrassed. i let my ego get the best of me, i was stressing out, anxious, and lowkey doing the most, whole time everything was okay and worked out. i need to stop catastrophizing everything. i was angry at my friends in the moment and was talking shit to the friends i talk shit about. i def need to stop gossiping so much.also im grateful for my friends but r doesn't seem like he has the best intentions. mommy would tell me to know how to hold him. i ended up missing k. i wanted to just go home to him and tell him he was lowkey right about the people im around. the creative scene is interesting. its filled of fucked up ppl. but were all fucked up. everyone is trying to figure life out and thats ok. its important to be compassionate. i miss him but hes not whats best for me. and if im gonna look out for myself in one situation, i wanna look out for myself in all situations. i dont know why im so emotional. maybe its because im actually taking the time to understand my feelings. i also need to start monitoring how lit i get. im by myself in nyc. a keeps checking on me which is sweet. im glad i came,it was a cool vibe, just alot of mess.

things i want to work on

staying calm and in control

not gossiping

keeping problems to myself

being compassionate

maintaining control

being responsible

kk love youuuuu muah

[nanithethottie]

Dear Diary

today was a good day. i ate shit i shouldnt have last night even tho my body told me not to, fell asleep on the couch, and woke up 6 minutes before class started. didnt do none of my routines type shit but when i came home i cleaned the house and took a bath and i ended up meditating edven though i didnt wan t to and it was great it helped me clear my mind and calm my anxiety and i wasw able to purify my energy which let me have a good rest of the day. i ended up meeting new people and went to the first meeting of a club i just joined. i met this girl who was a pinky girl just like me and she wsas so sweet. i sat with her and another girl that i know but never reallty talked to and we had a great lil talk actually. i was healing and it made me feel good because ive been craving new pretty friends with good energy good vibes. my club was filled with girls like that too so love that. i popped a yaddy and was locked in, i did hella work and im mad proud of myself and i also enjoyed it which surprised me. i even did extra credit bra. i want to stay ahead of the curve because this is gonna be m best semester yet even though it started off rough. the one thing that was eh was I got sad over him. started thinking about him alot and i was able to have a self check but i def had a few moments. but february is about me!!! loving me !!! i also am stating to accept the fact that i may be bisexual. im proud of being able to admit that because i never did. i think a big part is fear of what others might think, but id rather live a happy life above all, i just want to have a healthy love. I shouldnt have smoked w my roommates but i did , ended up talking to [ casually, i dont feel as angry towards her or the situation, which is amazing because i prayed for that. I want to spend more time living and less times being online. I also wanna spend mpre time understanding myself instead of tryna self improve all the time. I do wanna work on being kinder, more patient, take it easy, put myself first, and be less angry tho. Did my night routine im in my jammies boutta meditate and gts. I be so lazy tho. Today im proud of me for making new friends getting things done and sitting out w friends i wanna do more of that, and moving forward i wanna put my needs first more listen to myself and dont give into bad habits when I dont need to

the end love ya gn

xoxo love always nani

[nanithethottie]

AFTER YOU???

[nanithethottie]

THE MATRIARCHY

[nanithethottie]

I wanna be rich and famous and lit and cool rn im tired of waitingggg

i have exams tday

booooooooooooo 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬]] && my 'man' whatever df he is p!ssin me off!!!! wtf?!

FURTHER M ORE

I wanna be different I dont wanna be these instagram baddi groupi hos in the club thinking theyre celebs trying to fk on the richest nigga imma be the richest nigga w all the groupi hos

[nanithethottie]

[nanithethottie]

guide to become your best version ✨

the first step, be clear about what your best version would look like. questions to ask yourself.

what would my best version look like?

what habits would i have?

what would my life be like?

what would be my morning and evening routine?

what thoughts would i have?

what would i focus on?

what thoughts and habits should i leave behind?

how would i like to feel?

and lastly…

what can i start doing to connect with this version of me?

you can also add your own questions if they resonate with you, the important thing about this exercise is that you connect a little bit more with that better version of yourself.

from my experience, it is important to focus and work on these three areas of our life at the same time so that none of these areas are out of balance and we can flow to that version more easily.

it is important because i have realized from my own experience and from other people who send me questions that they only focus on one area, in most cases, the habits, and forget others, then when something happens or we go through a bad moment we feel lost and it seems that everything is "wrong" but if we work on these areas at the same time and we nurture them day by day we will have more control of our emotions and thoughts, then we will not stagnate in "bad times". remember, we can always go through bad times but these always bring us a learning experience.

✨ physical

daily movement, create an exercise routine

eating healthy food, for the sake and perfect functioning of our body.

create a daily routine that will help us reach our goals.

healthy habits

hobbies that help us connect with our best self.

focus on the well-being of our body

✨ mental and emotional

read about personal growth, psychology, and topics that will help us to improve our personal best.

journaling

keep a daily record of our emotions, as well as our habits.

focus on what we do want rather than what we don't want

detect what our negative thought patterns are and change them for - more positive ones according to how we want to think and feel from now on.

affirm positively

work on those areas of our life that we need to improve or are damaged

✨ spiritual

healing and balancing both your feminine and masculine energies

develop your intuition

have faith in yourself and in the process of creation (god, universe, energy…)

read about spirituality

meditate day and night

doing energetic cleansing

connect with your spiritual side

love yourself for who you are now

forgive the people who hurt us and forget the past

practice gratitude

practice compassion and tolerance towards yourself and others

connect with nature

this is what i believe brings us closer to becoming our best version, as i am always learning new things about the subject and evolving both personally and spiritually so i will continue to share this in future posts.

as always all questions related to the topic are welcome and if you have any doubts you can also ask.

[nanithethottie]

[nanithethottie]

Run towards your fears

[nanithethottie]

Dear Diary #004

God is great. 

I woke up feeling better. Last night my ex and I talked and he basically wished me well. And I’m starting to learn how true happiness is acceptance. Because the divine is always working in our favor. I need to have faith, hope, and trust that everything will be okay. Today is August 2nd. Last night was a full moon in aquarius. Its so interesting because we talked right before the full moon. Then last night he texted me essentially accepting that we need to release and let go, positively. 

“Ideally, you want to emit an energetic frequency that corresponds with who you are in your heart and soul. Anything that blocks this energetic expression needs to be released so you can share your authentic vibration.“

Im ready to embrace change. Its hard having to let go, but its harder to stay stuck. 

I woke up this morning and went on a run!!! It was beautiful, the sun was rising, yet I was still able to see the moon in all its glory. I ran past a group of women working out and said goodmorning. Its beautiful being in a space with so many people working on their own little fitness journeys. You don’t know why, but you know it requires dedication. I like to think maybe theyre using it to run off their heartbreak just like me, and I’m not alone in that sense. I also ran past homeless people sleeping in the park. it inspired me to give love. I want to give and spread love in any way that i can. I want to tell so many people that theres hope, that somebody loves them, that everything will be okay, and that life is about choices, but hard times don’t last forever if you don’t allow them to. Im tearing up right now lol

Also I want to analyze these tears, because they come from so many places. I am grieving the loss of the relationship, yet celebrating it. Theyre happy tears for how proud I am of myself. They also shed in the compassion of others around me, knowing what its like to feel low, I cry for them. 

The park is so significant for me . this is such a significant transit of time. Especially with the moon. My cards mentioned the Lunar cycle. 

The park was a representation of facing my fears, and turning a negative circumstance into something positive, attacking it head on. I literally ran towards my fears, and pushed myself to run through it instead of away from it, which is beautiful. I cried. I cried running past the spot that we had walked down days before. I looked at the sun rise behind the shaded tree we sat where I made the decision that I wanted better.

Im so grateful for him and everything thats happened. For so long, long before him, I struggled with my habits and making them stick. i struggled with making necessary changes and focusing. But I feel it now. I feel ready to focus.

Im grateful for the opportunity to have experienced love, sex, sadness, addiction, recovery, heartbreak, joy. Without rain, there are no rainbows. 

XOX

NANI

[nanithethottie]

Dear Diary #003

Letter to my freshman year of college self:

Hey stink (you think this word is cute now, so you call everybody it)

College is literally the best thing to ever happen. You know EVERYBODY and EVERYBODY knows you.. cool ass ho. You end up building the friendship you never thought youd find with your roommate (she ends up falling in love with you later down the line).You lose friends and make friends, but you have a blast in the fucking process. Opportunities just flow to you, and there is no need to worry. The things you want come to you,a nd you just figure them out. You tend to lose sight of who you are along the way, and thats what I want to tell you about where you are now. You arent as confidence in who you once were, but you learn that the image you cultivated was a facade, and so many factors have broken thta down, which is beautful because now you are able to find your true self. Without trying, you do some COOL SHIT. All those concerts you used to dream of being able to go to? You get in for free. Backstage & VIP. Gov Ball, Rolling Loud, Roots. Oh yea, you also pick up some sugar daddies. No need to worry about college costs, God made miracles and theyre paid off. Mommy does end up finding out she has cancer, but it is not what you thought. She is managing very well. You and lyss grow so close. You worked at BWW for a little, but there you met a 30 year old man and his friends and you become so close with them, he even loaned you money to pay your tuition (which ends up only being 2000) 

You travel. St. Thomas, New York, Tennessee. Best times of your life. Tio Ivan dies, but the family grows so close. You finally got the teacup yorkie you wanted when you were 10, and he is perfect for you. You move out on your own to your own apartment. You fall in love with somebody in your friend group. He ends up knowing you better than you know yourself, and he changes your perspective on love and relationships. You lose your virginity to him!!! (and love it... oops) 

You and Madi are still friends, but Fran? No. You start bartending. You work at South. You accidentally became a model and video vixen without even trying. You were in shoots for MC and Nike. You just met GHerbo for the second time, and other artists like Skilla Baby and you were on stage with Sexxy Red lol. You sat courtside at a Sixers game and your college bestfriend plays for the Cowboys. You talk to daz sparingly but you guys always catch right back up (his gf makes him block you so you have to call him on zoom)

You are gorgeous. Your body is amazing. You start to figure yourself out, which completely losing your self image in the process. You meet so many people who love, adore, and believe in you. Everything works itsself out, and it will continue to. You never imagined you would be here, so imagine how much more is still left to come....

XOX

NANI

[nanithethottie]

GOODMORNING #001

I woke up feeling good today. I woke up feeling like anything is possible, because it is. Like look around you. From sticks, rocks, and dirt we have spaceships, phones, and cars. Nothing is off limits. Noting is delusional, because anything is possible. I believe it is fully possible to live a life I never dreamed of, if I really put in the work.

Today, I intend on cleaning, exercising, doing spiritual work, having a self care day, and reading. I want to take time to appreciate the fact that I have nothing to do. I spend so much time wishing I was working, but when I was working, I wished I was home doing nothing.

I realize that I need to be grateful where I am. When I’m in a relationship, I wish I was single, and vice versa. When I’m doing nothing, I wish it was something, vice versa. When I’m away I wish I was home and when I’m home I wish I was away. Etc. I want to be more appreciative of each day that life brings.

I really want to define my dreamgirl too, and who I want to be. But I also want to appreciate how far I’ve come. I used to believe I can change the world, I lost sight of that along the way, but I know it’s still here and I’m still destined for it. 

TTYL

NANI

[nanithethottie]

Dear Diary #002

So I had a talk with my ex yesterday. I picked him up after crying all day from us deciding to seperate the night before. Everybody says that you don’t need closure, but deep down, i knew the conversation we would have would give me some from of healing. Before I left the house, i knew I wanted to be honest with him about everything that I’m feeling, but I stated that “I just couldn’t”. However, thats what ended up happening. We drove down to the river that I had spent the day at at about 11. We sat by the water and once we opened up, it just went from there. The conversation ended with him telling me all the things i was scared to admit myself. He told me about my fears. How I’m afraid that my relationship with him interferes with my own self image, amongst others.

Its a blessing how he understands me without me having to speak to him. I love that connection that we share. Our relationship was often times tumultuous but I recognize how its forcing a better me to emerge. I will have a new life and be a new person. I apprecite him. All I can do is pray for a new day. And give love to the rain.

xox

NANI

[nanithethottie]

[nanithethottie]

Black Contestants on Cycle 7 of America’s Next Top Model, 2006

[nanithethottie]

Needed this