napoleonic-sexyman-tournament
Napoleonic Sexyman Tournament
What good is a European War if you can't objectify the people in tight pants and feathered hats?
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For a spot in the second round, we have a French face off.
Antoine-Jean Gros
"One of Napoleon’s main painters. Pioneer of French Romanticism. Inspired many artists such as Delacroix and Géricault. He was very pretty.”
the tags on his polls also keep mentioning Le Mis
Louis-Alexandre Berthier:
“Prodigial brainpower!!!! (I am sapiosexual!!!!) Able to work long hours!!! The fact that he would be so devoted to the love of his life (Madame Visconti), so much that he arranaged a ménage à trois. Very powerful. He was also always laughing before everything fell apart.”
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My Barclay propaganda is that he was almost bullied by his boyfriend out of Borodino, still went to Borodino, saw his boyfriend get mortally injured there and he apologized to him and they kissed (the last part is real not fake I swear)
Only the truest facts here at the Napoleonic-Sexyman-Tournament
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Same army, but one of them was invented by Tolstoy.
Andrei Nikolayevich Bolkonsky:
a. “"If I saw this man in person I'd fall to my knees and bark like a dog."
Barclay de Tolly:
a. “he has the prettiest little face i want to smooch he doesnt look at the camera in his portrait cause hes a shy little slut love him him dearly i love his head”
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Tom Pullings:
a. “have you seem the james d’arcy depiction. come on.”
Dorothea von Biron:
"A great beauty and gracious hostess, possibly the most beautiful of four extraordinarily attractive and scandalous sisters, said to posses an extraordinary charm. But what makes her The Sexyman is the feat of managing to captivate the old wily devil Talleyrand and becoming the greatest and last love of his life… while, technically, being his niece by marriage.”
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Juan Martín Díez
"THE BEARD!!!”
Étienne Jacques-Joseph-Alexandre Macdonald
a. “Scots are really cool (and so is the Scottish accent). Cross that with a French (special interest) nationality and you get a sexyman. Frankness is very attractive and so is loyalty to a cause. Had PTSD after Russia. Also all three of his wives successively died for the TragedyTM. That makes him a bit of a wet cat sexyman.”
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Józef Zajączek:
"Listen, he was over fifty during the wars (and certainly not as beautiful as his wife the cryotherapy enjoyer), failed severely when given command in Warsaw during Kościuszko's uprising (Russians then massacred civilians in the district he was defending) later on also served the Tsar; still, he undeniably kind of had cute eyes. My main point is that we need him here because he fits the Tumblr tradition of nominating absolute losers. A sopping wet cat. A tiny hare, if you will.”
François Joseph Lefebvre:
a. “Total DILF material, and the fiery passion in his eyes was matched only by his fiery personality! This contest may be based on looks (and Lefebvre is a strong candidate on this metric alone); but it's hard not to fall in love with his spicy takes and saucy language. He told Napoleon, "Let us throw the lawyers into the river” after agreeing to help overthrow the Directory (quoted in David G. Chandler, ed., Napoleon's Marshals), and from his English Wikipedia article: When a friend expressed envy of his estate, Lefebvre said, "Come down in the courtyard, and I'll have ten shots at you with a musket at 30 paces. If I miss, the whole estate is yours." After the friend declined this offer, Lefebvre added, "I had a thousand bullets shot at me from much closer range before I got all this." In response to a clueless young man demanding his identity at a social event, he answered, ''Je viens de la lune, où je n'ai jamais vu un Jean-Foutre de ton espèce: Je m'appelle le Général Lefebvre!” [“I come from the moon, where I’ve never seen such a #*$& as you. My name is General Lefevre!”] Quoted in The Secret History of the Cabinet of Bonaparte by Lewis Goldsmith, 1810, which is also hilarious because the author clearly hates Lefebvre, but makes him sound like a cool badass. He earns additional sexy points by sticking by his ex-washerwoman wife, who had a mouth of her own. (tbh Catherine Lefebvre, “Madame Sans-Gêne,” deserves her own Napoleonic Sexyman [gender neutral] nomination).”
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For a spot in the second round, we have a French face off.
Antoine-Jean Gros
"One of Napoleon’s main painters. Pioneer of French Romanticism. Inspired many artists such as Delacroix and Géricault. He was very pretty.”
the tags on his polls also keep mentioning Le Mis
Louis-Alexandre Berthier:
“Prodigial brainpower!!!! (I am sapiosexual!!!!) Able to work long hours!!! The fact that he would be so devoted to the love of his life (Madame Visconti), so much that he arranaged a ménage à trois. Very powerful. He was also always laughing before everything fell apart.”
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The sad wet cat of a painter gets a second chance.
*aka "who are you most shocked/surprised/upset/aghast that we lost in the first round?"
Propaganda for Each:
Augereau:
“dude’s backstory is a fucking dungeons and dragons adventurer backstory, duellist who had to flee France after killing an officer, adventurered in Prussia and Russia and duelled and fought, also cannot physically stop swearing, what a man”
“Man of many talents even before the Revolution: noted swordsman and duellist, so talented that he accidentally killed a superior officer. Joined armies all over Europe, then taught fencing and dancing after he settled. Eloped with his first wife, whom he loved and respected. Partly responsible for victories at Castiglione and Arcole during the Italian campaign. Tied himself to a horse to lead his corps on Eylau (very metal). Has a very cool portrait where he points at a portrait of himself at Arcole
Gogol:
[no propaganda submitted]
Gros:
One of Napoleon’s main painters. Pioneer of French Romanticism. Inspired many artists such as Delacroix and Géricault. He was very pretty.”
Clausewitz:
"what could possibly be sexier than a prussian uniform and a lasting impact on military theory?”
Czartoryski:
"Decided that the way to free Poland was by having a threesome with Alexander and his wife.”
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This is just a quick post to say thank you to the 400 of you that are participating in our silly little bracket.
#napoleonic sexyman tournament#the admins appreciate you#400 because i think one of those is my main
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I don't usually message on Tumblr but I just wanted to say that this is literally the best blog ever. I look forward to updates everyday and the post genuinely makes my day. Want to say a massive thank you to all those involved for all the hard work you guys do 💕❤️
Thank you! I'm glad that you're enjoying it!
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So, I saw that you had no propaganda for the Iron Duke himself and thought that should be corrected, because I cannot let this man go unloved.
He is the ultimate sexyman. I don't really get that title or the requirements but I do know this man and he is the ultimate in Regency-era sexiness.
Field Marshal Sir Arthur Wellesley, First Duke of Wellington, whose full list of titles merits its own Wikipedia page, he had so many (including Prince of Waterloo of the Kingdom of the Netherlands), was so well known for his debonairness that he was often called "the Beau" or Beau Wellesley.
Our dear Duke with his eyes of "a brilliant light blue," is quite the underdog made good. The fourth son of an Anglo-Irish aristocratic family, he was a bit of a loner as a child, whose star was eclipsed by the academic success of his older and younger brothers. Yet he had a remarkable talent for the violin, which as we know from Mrs. Jefferson is quite a good quality for a man to have. As a young man he was considered extremely good humored and drew "much attention" from female society. The Napiers of Celbridge thought he was a "saucy stripling" and he was also considered quite mischievous. Yet he also had a rich inner life, reading and contemplating the great philosophers of the day.
Yes, we know about his military victories in the Peninsula (the position of Field Marshal of the British Army and the accompanying baton were created for him) and his success at Waterloo, but he was also both romantic and a ladies' man. (I could go on about the military success but that's not really what this is about, is it?)
Want the romantic side? He fell in love with Kitty Pakenham while a lowly aide-de-camp in Dublin but, with no real position or prospects, was laughed away by her brother when he sought to marry her. In a fit of pique he destroyed his violin and turned firmly toward progressing his career. Over a decade later, after he had made something of himself in India, he learned she hadn't married, supposedly because she was still pining for him. Reader, he married her, despite thinking she'd grown ugly, and got two children from her in less than two years. I'm not kidding, this man was virile. They married in April of 1806, their first son was born in February, 1807, and their second son was born in January 1808. Although he wasn't sexual faithful to her, Wellington wore an amulet she gave him for over twenty years, and was still wearing it when he sat with her on her deathbed. When she was surprised he still wore it, he told her if she'd just bothered to check in the last twenty years, she'd have found it. Despite surviving her by twenty years, the Duke never remarried.
Now, please don't think badly of him for the lack of sexual fidelity. It was the Georgian era. Sexual fidelity was not a part of marriage in high society. Men didn't sleep only with their wives and some wives could be quite happy with that (for one, it's much easier not to have one pregnancy after another when your husband is sleeping with someone else). Not that women weren't also sleeping around. Which brings me to one of Wellington's more... interesting conquests: Lady Caroline Lamb, wife of William Lamb (the future Second Viscount Melbourne and Prime Minister). Why do I know that name, you ask? The OG pixie manic dream girl, Caro's much more notably known for her affair with Lord Byron. After that particular bit of nonsense, she was in Brussels with the rest of the English aristocracy during the 100 Days/post Waterloo. She and the Duke supposedly slept together and she took his cloak away as a souvenir.
Who else did the Duke liaise with? Well, there were the usual flings with actresses and singers, such as La Grassini. As previously noted in another post on this tumblr, he was noted as a stronger, better lover than Napoleon by another of their mutual lovers. Wellington also was a client of Harriette Wilson. He visited her when she was in Paris after the Duke of Beaufort bought her off, though this was before Beaufort stopped paying her, prompting her to publish her memoirs. She canvassed her old lovers, including Wellington, to see if they'd pay her not to be in them. Wellington send her a note in return saying "Publish and be Damned." Something about his succinct dismissal of her is just so hot.
Oh, want a bit more of Wellington being a bad boy? In 1829, while Prime Minister, he got into a duel that still is commemorated almost two hundred years later. King's College, London, was set up while Wellington was also advocating for Catholic Emancipation and this led to Lord Winchilsea publicly insulting Wellington's honor to the point that the Duke (who'd never dueled before or supported dueling generally) called him out. They went to Battersea Fields and settled the matter with pistols. Wellington won and Winchelsea apologized. King's College celebrates "Duel Day" every March.
Even better, want to read about Elizabeth Bennet and the Duke being witty and falling in love? Complete with scenes of the Duke showing he knows what to do with his cannon? Then let me recommend the third variation of An Ever Fixed Mark, A Dalliance with the Duke. I dare you not to vote for him for all eternity with that portrayal in your head.
.
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Propaganda for each:
Zajączek
"Listen, he was over fifty during the wars (and certainly not as beautiful as his wife the cryotherapy enjoyer), failed severely when given command in Warsaw during Kościuszko's uprising (Russians then massacred civilians in the district he was defending) later on also served the Tsar; still, he undeniably kind of had cute eyes. My main point is that we need him here because he fits the Tumblr tradition of nominating absolute losers. A sopping wet cat. A tiny hare, if you will.”
Berthier:
a. “Prodigial brainpower!!!! (I am sapiosexual!!!!) Able to work long hours!!! The fact that he would be so devoted to the love of his life (Madame Visconti), so much that he arranaged a ménage à trois. Very powerful. He was also always laughing before everything fell apart.”
Von Biron:
"A great beauty and gracious hostess, possibly the most beautiful of four extraordinarily attractive and scandalous sisters, said to posses an extraordinary charm. But what makes her The Sexyman is the feat of managing to captivate the old wily devil Talleyrand and becoming the greatest and last love of his life… while, technically, being his niece by marriage.”
Krasiński:
a. "Obviously SOMEONE thought he was a sexyman because he fathererd Zygmunt Krasiński, one of Poland's Three Bards—Poland's greatest romantic poets. HELLO.”
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*aka "who are you most shocked/surprised/upset/aghast that we lost in the first round?"
Propaganda for Each:
Augereau:
“dude’s backstory is a fucking dungeons and dragons adventurer backstory, duellist who had to flee France after killing an officer, adventurered in Prussia and Russia and duelled and fought, also cannot physically stop swearing, what a man”
“Man of many talents even before the Revolution: noted swordsman and duellist, so talented that he accidentally killed a superior officer. Joined armies all over Europe, then taught fencing and dancing after he settled. Eloped with his first wife, whom he loved and respected. Partly responsible for victories at Castiglione and Arcole during the Italian campaign. Tied himself to a horse to lead his corps on Eylau (very metal). Has a very cool portrait where he points at a portrait of himself at Arcole
Gogol:
[no propaganda submitted]
Gros:
One of Napoleon’s main painters. Pioneer of French Romanticism. Inspired many artists such as Delacroix and Géricault. He was very pretty.”
Clausewitz:
"what could possibly be sexier than a prussian uniform and a lasting impact on military theory?”
Czartoryski:
"Decided that the way to free Poland was by having a threesome with Alexander and his wife.”
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Compañeros, hermanos, amigos escuchen y regocíjense.
Europa está en caos, el imperio español se está derrumbando, Portugal continúa perdiendo influencia y Francia pelea en demasiados frentes, es hora de unir nuestras fuerzas, nuestros pueblos pelearán por la libertad, por la justicia ¡Por América!
No sólo derrotaremos a los gachupines, portugueses y franceses en el campo de batalla ¡También nos veremos mejor que ellos mientras lo hacemos!
Esta encuesta determinará quién de todas estas sensuales personas latinoamericanas será la que opacará más a los europeos, a la que más gente le encantaría tener en su cama por una noche ¡El mas grande ejemplo de exquisitez latinoamericana!
¿Quieres nominar a alguien para tan aclamado premio? Puedes hacerlo aquí
Reglas:
1. Puedes nominar a todas las personas que quieras, el formulario no tiene un límite
2. Animamos a que manden propaganda (en inglés o español o portugués)
3. Sexy man/hombre sexy es un término sin género, todos, todas y todes son bienvenidos.
4. Serán juzgados en base de las edades que tenían durante las guerras por la independencia y los admins se esforzarán para encontrar los retratos apropiados.
Eng:
Comrades, brothers, friends listen and rejoice.
Europe is in chaos, the Spanish empire is collapsing, Portugal continues to lose influence, and France is fighting on too many fronts. It is time to join forces, our people fight for liberty and for justice. For America!
We will not only defeat the gachupines, the Portuguese and the French on the battlefield. We will also do it while looking better than them!
This contest will determine who among these sexy Latin Americans outshines the Europeans the most, who most people would invite to their bed for a night. The best example of the exquisiteness of Latin America!
Do you want to nominate someone for such an honor? Nominate them here.
Rules:
You can nominate as many people as you want. The form does not have a limit.
Propaganda is encouraged (in English or Spanish or Portuguese)
Sexyman is a gender neutral term.
They will be judged based on the age they were during the wars for independence and the admins will try their best to find appropriate portraits.
La lista hasta ahora/The existing list is here:
Virreinato de Nueva España
México:
1. Agustin de Iturbide
2. Leona Vicario
3. Juan Aldama
4. José Maria Morelos y Pavón x3
5. Vicente Guerrero x2
6. Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna
Virreinato del Nuevo Reino de Granada:
Colombia:
7. Antonio Nariño x3
8. Antonio Morales Galavís
9. Policarpa Salavarrieta x2
10. Francisco de Paula Santander x 2
Venezula:
13. Simón Bolívar x2
14. José Antonio Paez
Virreinato del Perú:
Perú
11. Manuela Sáenz de Vergara y Aizpuru
12. Micaela Bastidas
Ecuador:
15. Manuela a.k.a Manuelita Saenz x4
Bolivia:
16. Antonio José de Sucre x 2
17. María Ana Carcelén de Guevara y Larrea-Zurbano
Chile:
21. Manuel Javier Rodríguez y Erdoíza
22. José Miguel Carrera Verdugo
Virreinato del Río de la Plata:
Argentina:
18. Manuel Belgrano
19. José de San Martín x 3
20. Martín Miguel de Güemes
Uruguay:
23. Manuel Ceferino Oribe y Viana
24. Juan Antonio Lavalleja
25. José Fructuoso Rivera y Toscan
Haití:
26. Toussaint L’Ouverture
Brasil/The Empire of Brazil:
27. Joaquim Pires de Carvalho e Albuquerque
28. Maria Quitéria de Jesus x2
29. Joaquim Gonçalves Ledo
30. Maria Leopoldina
31. Pedro I
32. Hipólito José da Costa Pereira Furtado de Mendonça
33. José Bonifácio de Andrada e Silva
34.Francisco Gomes da Silva
35. Domitila de Castro Canto e Melo, Marquesa de Santos
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Congratulations and good job on completing round one!
As for Napoleon's more-than-one-percent loss, he's still a winner in my heart. Not as a sexyman himself, but as a Sexyman Arbiter, Sexyman's Sexyman. After all, who has better taste in women, siblings, stepsons, Russian Emperors and Russian generals? And who, oh who else has done such an excellent job of giving batons to an entire cohort of exclusively sexy lads?
Even if he is not one himself, he sure is a connoisseur of sexy people.
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And all the updated quadrants
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Updated Quadrant IV
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