nathank77

[nathank77]

4/28/24

7 a.m

I also have been really thinking about it. With the state of okcupid if I don't do community service or go to meet ups I'm going to be alone forever and I may be forever even if I do with my issues.

I'm trying my hardest to survive but I don't think I'm enough for anyone. I'm hardly enough for me. If I didn't love the guy I see in the mirror I'd already be dead. I can't give up on myself...

But I really think Katie was my last love and she wasn't right even at the beginning. She very well may be the last woman or person I ever kiss. Unless I go a bar and kiss someone thats not impossible but it's not what I want...

I have a feeling this is it for me..I very well may spend my life alone. Idk why people don't see what I see. I'm pretty handsome with my glasses and I'm loving and genuine. I'll love someone else's children as my own and I'll fight for visitation rights if it didn't work out.

Idk I don't get it. Katie very well may be the very last one.

I know Elise doesn't hate on short guys but obv she's married and if she wasn't, I think she would be embarrassed that I'd have to be on my tippy toes and one knee would be up. I think she would be embarrassed that I'm so tiny and short. I don't think I ever stood a chance. I mean not bc I'm short but I can't blame her.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm such a failure on dating sites is bc of my height and then my bald head doesn't help and the glasses don't either but I look better with glasses.

[nathank77]

4/28/24

6:32 a.m edited/added to

I gamed until like 4 a.m and I lost a 40 minute video that thank God I didn't save so I can redo it. I was online, sometimes I feel like I'm being sabotaged tbh.. but I'm not allowed to feel that way bc I have psychosis....

It's funny cause most of my best videos when I streamed on twitch would have, "muted audio," I'd have to appeal for copyright and other issues like disconnections and weird glitches. It's the reason I stopped streaming. It was a major problem and I lost many good videos bc of it.

And since I've been recording muted audio for copyright isn't an issue cause technically I can record American dad or something it would just need to be credited on YouTube.

Although I've been recording offline bc I feel like someone sabotages me. I forgot to go offline when i was recording that 40 minute video and bam the video disappeared. Funny how that works if I had saved I wouldn't be able to complete my chapter 5 playthrough of Bully bc it would have been missing 2 missions and I'm making videos chapter by chapter with all main and non-storyline missions complete.

I hate psychosis. I have to say it was just a mishap... but once I started recording offline I haven't had any issues.. I do feel sabotaged.

My trans channel is taking off. Getting hundreds of views a day and if one day that happens to my gaming channel I'll blow up with the quality of my content. Yet I can't believe that being online might be the reason.

I'm annoyed but at least I didn't save and can redo those two missions and piece together my whole playthrough of chapter 5.... I only have like 6 more missions before I can put it together and post the complete playthrough... I wish I could have finished it tonight.

Anyways, the shoes didn't fit any better but I still got to fuck with them a little but I might as well return them. I could use the money and loosening them doesn't seem to do anything...

Also do I believe elise is here? I can't bc of psychosis another reason i Hate it. I can't allow myself to be delusional at all. I need facts about everything..

Anyways- after I gave up on my video and decided to do it tomorrow, I changed all my, "made for kids," videos to adults as I lost that SH2 Maria video due to some uptight parent who reported it and I can't get it back. I have to remake it when I had 20 hours of view time on it... I'm not willing to risk losing any more videos to some stupid asshole of a parent. I work too hard on them between trying to be perfect and waiting hours to piece them together....

The only videos I left as made for kids was the minecraft video cause fuck it if someone reports it for some reason or another. It sucks cause made for kids can really get my views up but I can't lose another amazing video I make. I invested a good 10 hours in that Maria video and its fucking gone. I learned my lesson. Not to mention if I for example get one more community strike I'm not allowed to post any videos for a long time.

Anyways as I was adding tags to my new videos and changing my made for kids videos back to adults only, my hallucination was driving me fucking crazy. It was awful and tbh idk how much longer I can live like this.

If youre here Elise, I noticed something. When I tried to load your Instagram from my Mac it had that, "couldn't load page," thing.. then I tried from my phone and it was loading...

The night I thought you were deactivated as some sort of invitation, I checked many times on my Mac and then my phone. They both said couldn't load page.... and then when I made the post about it, 20 minutes later I could load your page.. so idk if I disrespected you...

I question everything, are you here? Did you really deactivate your account or was it something with safari/google/meta? I can't trust anything bc of psychosis. Until you reach out to me I'm going to write about you until I move on... and I'm going to have no idea if you're really here or not.

[nathank77]

4/27/24

11:47 p.m

I started the return for the sneakers. I've been looking at my other shoes and the bottom lace or first lace idk how to describe it but it's wider, so I'll try a little more. It seems they are about 2 inches or 1 1/2 inches before it becomes laced up and that could be the reason they are going to create corns on my baby toes....

I'm hoping it fixes it but- if it doesn't then I know it's just not true to size. I'm a 9. I've only ever had one pair of of high tops hurt my feet, the vans the very first pair of high tops i have ever owned.. every other shoe I buy in 9s high top or not have been ultra comfy. The perfect fit. I mean like- there is a little bit of room (the right amount and it's like that with these) but I mean I'm legit going to get corns on my baby toes if they don't loosen up and I'm not paying 120$ for that.

Wish me luck. I guess I'll either buy stupid boring glasses or find a couple pairs of cheaper high tops and do that cause I actually do need shoes.

I don't want to buy glasses bc I don't want to drop 300$ on glasses I don't like. I'm picky about the style and even if I got ones in the style I like if I break them I'm SOL. And they are too expensive. Idk.

[nathank77]

4/27/24

11 p.m

Normal day with my Mac being a POS.

[nathank77]

4/27/24

10:59 p.m Edited/Added to

So I had heart palpitations when I closed my eyes again last night... luckily they passed and fell asleep on just the half MG of xanax. I didn't need any other drugs, thankfully.

I woke up around 12, that's the longest I've slept straight through the night since psychosis minus after microsleep, while I was smoking weed. The nights I didn't microsleep during October I could sleep through like 7-10 hours. That was only like 4 or 5 nights between October 10th and November 3rd... and then when I started sleeping regularly again I was able to sleep like 6-10 hours straight when I was smoking pot. Then I quit pot and insomnia got terrible...

And before Xanax when I finally fell asleep after, "black heading," for hours I could stay asleep longer like 6-10 hours but it took so long just to fall asleep and some nights I never did...

Then I started Xanax and I've been able to fall asleep but usually i wake up ever 2-3 hours...

Anyways I took benadryl at 12 and then passed back out. Woke up at 2 p.m and then fell back to sleep without benadryl and slept until about 3:30 or 4 p.m idk bc microsleep fucked with my ability to know if I slept or not... all I know is that's why I keep a sleep tracker...

I decided not to do my laundry... I need to do my bedding and I've been putting it off bc my hoodies pile up so fast from Contamination.. and I need to have them to use the sleeves to grab stuff, so i have to plan to do my bedding the day after I do my clothing and towels bc otherwise I have a huge pile and can't do it all in one day.

However I needed a day with limited to no bathroom time. My laundry machine is in the bathroom, and even if it wasn't, doing laundry triggers major OCD. So I just decided to have a red bull day aka two 12oz red Bulls in a day and play video games.

I'm glad I made that decision. I'm playing bully and working on chapter 5. I am cooking dinner and taking a break. I should have that finished and uploaded prob around 3 or 4 a.m depending on how slow my MacBook is bc I've had to piece together the video bc of breaks... I'm taking pictures so I can submit them to apple so I can get my computer looked at and have a case at the apple store but I have to do it over the phone first and submit pictures. To combine a 1 hour video I have to wait 20 minutes it's ridiculous.

Anyways, I got my sneakers, I love them but the right shoe squeezes my baby toe strangely I've been fucking with the laces but I can't seem to get it right. Idk if this is one of those beauty is pain things or what but I might return them bc it's uncomfortable and if I get lines in them, they won't take them back but we see. It's actually both toes when I walk... I might do a return.

I'm hoping I can get some good gameplay today. Unfortunately I'm stuck on my old Xbox one s bc my stupid cloud saves won't transfer over to my series x which is fucking obnoxious...

Idc about most of my saves but I care about some-

1) Silent Hill 2 bc of my 10 star thank God that transferred over.

2) far cry 2 bc I have a over 20 hour save file and I'm half way through the game but it won't transfer to my new system......

3) Bully bc I have almost a 100% completion save file and one achievement left for 100% but it won't transfer.....

4) Minecraft bc of my castle which I've invested over 36 days working on thankfully that transferred over.

5) Silent Hill Homecoming bc I unlocked all the endings but whatever I can live without it even though it's obnoxious.... it won't transfer..

Anyways I won't play fc2 on my old system bc I'll easily play over 20 hours on the second half so I have to troubleshoot it..... I already tried for hours last night.

I'm sucking up bully for now to finish my playlist and I may accept losing the 100% completion save file which is fucked.

It's nice trying to relax but technology is a bitch and yea... I only picked Bully bc it doesn't trigger my OCD.

Also I've noticed at least in one way my hallucination has improved. When I played bully months ago the entire experience was intruded upon by the hallucination... however I think the last time I played it was like November when it was much worse.

There is a lot of dialogue so it helps drown it out. I've noticed with games with dialogue I can enjoy them mostly.

[nathank77]

4/27/24

6 a.m

Whelp I figured it out at least part of it. There could be an underlying issue beyond this bc of the branch blockade thing:

[nathank77]

4/27/24

5:55 a.m

I'm having palpitations again but whatever I'm trying my best

[nathank77]

4/27/24

5:36 a.m

This is everything I've done to cure myself of psychosis, as I continue to hallucinate. I wonder if it'll ever stop.

I hope when I close my eyes tonight I don't start having palpitations.

[nathank77]

4/27/24

5:23 a.m

I have been listening to Silverstein for hours and just thinking and feeling everything.

My likes on Tumblr for dopaminergicaddictions are public again, I like a lot more than I post, but I post what hits me the hardest

I don't expect to see you Elise but I know one thing, I expect you to be happy. I expect you to live your life to the fullest, out of anyone I have ever met, you deserve it. I hope you wake up everyday knowing how loved you are.

I love you "freely."

you don't need to be in my life, you don't have to love me back. I will love you from over here and never intrude on your life, but I hope you know I love you and I hope when you struggle you know I am okay with loving you silently and not needing to know you if that's what you want, if that's what's will make you happy.

[nathank77]

“You will search for me in another person, I promise.”

— Unknown

[nathank77]

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.”

— Mandy Hale

[nathank77]

-Rumi

[nathank77]

[nathank77]

— Trista Mateer ,“I Still Forget We’re Not Even Friends”

[nathank77]

“You’re the kind of soul anyone would be lucky to be with, and you don’t even know it, the great ones never do.”

— Adrian Michael

[nathank77]

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

[nathank77]

"First time we met

Face became etched

In my mind

And I knew you could never love me

I had so much sorrow inside

You could never reach

But can I still keep

A place in your heart"

"And I knew you could never love me

I had so much sorrow inside"- I don't think anyone could ever love me and stay.

4/27/24

4:57 a.m