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nesta-is-my-queen · 11 days

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SJM Live 9.8.2022 Recap -

This chat was so fun! Sarah looked so good and laughed so much. Sarah MacLean was an excellent host who asked awesome questions. Here’s what was said:

Starting talking about the world of ACOTAR and when/where it came to SJM

She loves to travel and has always been obsessed with fairytales

She got the idea in 2008/2009 and was out in LA with her creative writing degree

She even applied to BN and they didn't give her a job LOL

She was trying to get TOG to an agent and was brainstorming and was listening to music when she got the inspo for Feyre

She wrote the first two books of ACOTAR while she was publishing TOG

She used to think writing two books a year was too slow for her (LMAO OKAY MA'AM)

She rewrote ACOMAF from its original format after ACOTAR was getting some attention and that's where she got the idea for the prison and what else that could become (seeing it again in acosf)

After she started working on ACOWAR, she started getting the idea for ACOSF. She started writing about what would happen after the war and what would happen with the characters/where they would go

She knew she wanted to write Nesta's story from there

She wrote that bit to help her figure out how to get ACOWAR done because she knew where she needed Nesta to end up at the beginning of ACOSF and set it up in ACOWAR

She's always loved Nesta

Talking about writing "unlikable" characters - which she doesn't like that term at all but she thinks/ties it with the way she writes trauma

On a subconscious level, it's a way to work out some of her own trauma/feelings.

With Feyre, she didn't realize how her anxiety and depression were shown through her character.

When she wrote ACOSF, Nesta's journey with her emotions was similar to her own.

2016-2017 were rough years for her. She felt like she was severally disconnected from herself. and it took her some time to get the help she needed.

When she started with ACOSF, she was in a place that matched Nesta in the beginning. The first time she reread it, it was a painful upsetting experience because she saw so many pieces of herself and the thoughts she had about herself.

This is tangible proof for her that with writing Nesta she climbed out of that hole with therapy and getting help. She saw where she was and how she overcame it. (She's getting kinda emotional here and I love her so much SOBS)

The hike with Nessian was inspired by her in NZ going with Josh because it was her own journey going through one of her rough spots.

She feels like she was walking step by step with Nesta. ( She got choked up here again sobs )

The thing she wanted the most on the journey was inner peace, the same as Nesta. When she was rereading the book she cried so hard at the hike and when Nesta named the sword because that was also what she was looking for (inner peace).

Talking about the community helping the heroine ( both on feyre and nesta's journeys) and talking about found families and how she loves the sense of finding your place and the people you want to be around.

One of the things that have helped her with her own issues is that she isn't alone and has found her own group of people who love her and support her. It's a comforting thing. The feeling of belonging and safety.

For Nesta, she has her sisters but she has baggage, and part of her growth is finding that family separate from her sisters.

Rereading the moments between Nesta/Gwyn/Emerie and how Nesta was worried about them seeing all the "horrible pieces" but they don't walk away was so important for her.

The moment when Nesta makes the decision in the blood rite to stay behind to pay a debt and Emerie tells her there's no debt is such a personal moment/profound because it relates to her bff and how she was also waiting for her friends to leave because of her "baggage"

It was a moment of healing for her that she wanted Nesta to have

( she makes a joke that it seems like it's autobiography LOL but it's not but she felt like she saw her healing through writing and letting Nesta heal )

Talked about Cassian being a hero who doesn't step ahead of her and supports her.

What do Rhys and Cassian represent for us as readers because they talk a backseat for their girl was asked and Sarah has to remind herself to write the guys doing something (LOL)

In the original draft she didn't write Cassian with Azriel finding eris

She makes him watch the blood rite through a magic mirror so he can keep an eye on Nesta (LOLOL) There were chapters of Cassian just marveling at Nesta's training (sounds on brand HAHA)

Her editor was like "Um he has to do something" LMAO

She puts the female character first.

The scene with Cassian would rather die than hurt Nesta and she explodes she always had that scene in mind.

She referenced when Amren said "when you explode let it be felt across the world" (I know the wording isn't right but y'all know what I mean) and IT WAS WITH THAT SCENE

About Cassian: "He's so good."

Talked about Feyre's trauma and how Rhys was supporting her journey (Sarah MacLean talks about how important it was for readers to see how Feyre handled leaving Tamlin and his abuse).

Everything is about these men being super supportive

Talked about Josh being her bff and how lucky she has that kind of love and relationship facing things together as equals 🥰

"Everyone deserves a partner who doesn't respects them." (Something also about not always seeing your partner as only good but I missed the exact wording)

She has no interest in writing dudes who tell you to stay at home.

While rereading the series she notes about Rhys: "This man is so hot"

It was fun and refreshing to write Rhys from Nesta's POV

No person is universally loved so Rhys is "perfect" in someway but also not in some ways, esp through Nesta's eyes

It comes from a place where Nesta was jealous of Feyre's found family and people who love her so much and how Rhys also has these people who love him so much because she wants that for herself and wants friends so much. She started with the House.

How much do you save for future books? How much of the idea gets into the book you're working on? Are you cooking future books with current texts?

She knows where the series is going to go with major plots but what she enjoys about drafting and editing is that she has vague ideas and it becomes moments of discovery and those small things link up to overall themes. Sometimes it surprises her when things line up.

With this world in particular (we have a new map in the BN special edition), she left a lot of it blank to fill in while Feyre learns more about the world. She didn't want to box herself in to give herself space to explore it on the continent and etc

A lot of her travels end up in her books because she's inspired. The lake and mask and the Bog of Oorid were inspired when she was on her trip to Ireland. She read about the mythology of the bog road (?)and it scared her

1st Q - Tell us one thing you like about each sister - Feyre: her compassion and that even at her lowest she felt for other people. Unbreakable love and compassion for others and herself. Nesta: she loves so many things about her but to go with something silly, she loves her obsession with smutty books. Elain: she's the quiet dreamer and different sort of strength than her sisters. In her reread of the series, she loves the moment when Feyre went back to the cottage and the way that Elain looked at it with hope and was the stronger one for it.

She loves that Nesta is not scared of anyone. She loves the moment when she sees Helion for the first time and just goes "nope" and keeps walking as well as the moment she points her finger at Hybren

She believes that (heroines and people in the real world) no one is perfect and with Nesta she didn't want to write someone who didn't have moments of growth, moments you regret.

Just because she's done/said some things that aren't nice that doesn't mean she can't grow and reflect and be a better version of herself; when you reflect on why you did what you did, that's when the true growth is and able to move on. You're not doomed to be an asshole forever and any day is a day you can change.

With Nesta she wanted her to go on this journey with room to grow.

It's a way to get characters to grow. She talked about Feyre in the Weaver's cottage because it's a huge moment of growth when she realizes that she's strong and not going down without a fight.

Same with Nesta and the Bog because it triggered her feelings of helplessness and her assault. She realized she isn't powerless.

Sarah threw her keyboard down with a big YES when she finished that bog scene and that last sentence. It felt good because it was Nesta getting to that breaking point emotionally similar to the blood rite journey.

Sarah: Let's be real I would be killed immediately. I live with the fantasy that I could survive. (Same girl).

2nd Q - Why did she choose to write from Nesta's POV?

She was the one who needed her story to be told the most and when writing ACOWAR, it was the story that was calling to her

She wanted to dig into that and was obsessed with Cassian so she wanted to write the Cassian romance HAHA

One of the worst moments was when she was doing copyedits for the book at her kitchen with her dad next to her and got to the scene of the BJ and her dad was trying to read over her shoulder

Still hasn't asked her dad if he's read this book and hopes he didn't\

Who knows what characters are coming because there are question marks on the map to reveal new people

She knows who she wants to write stories about and there are so many!!!

There are a lot of moments where she goes "You're the next character/story."

3rd Q - The next acotar book regarding elain. Will we get elain pov / Azriel pov in the next one?

We'll see Elain in "some form" but she's not going to promise anything because she hasn't written anything yet. Didn't mention Azriel at all.

What's coming next: CC3 and she's having a lot of fun writing it

How many books in CC - She's contracted for 3 but said there are 4 houses and each book is named after a house SOOO

The first three books are Quinlar but there are a lot of characters who are walking by and she want to follow them. She has an idea who is next and waiting to see before committing to a spin off.

When TOG was mentioned and the host said it that it technically ended , Sarah said "But is it?" The door is not fully closed on that one.

Every now and then she misses Rowaelin and whole TOG gang

4th Q - (Weirdly worded and longwinded) - We got introduced to Gwyn and lightsingers (and how "evil" they really are) and with Azriel being a shadowsinger, is it a counterpart to that and does that mean that Azriel has a beast form as well?

Sarah laughed and said she loves careful reading. "I don't want to say conspiracy theory….but fan theories let's say"

She hasn't written that book so she won't say anything but A+ for reading lol

Does she have a favorite creature? - She loved the bone carver and kelpie because it freaked her out

She loves music so much. She played piano badly for three years lolol

5th Q - In acosf Gwyn talks about 26 worlds and Nesta finds the harp and the 26th string is time (Sarah smiled big here), could there be room for time travel?

She loves these fan theories, A+ reading. She's not committing to anything and she doesn't know why we ask these kind of questions when she's not going to answer anything (LOL)

Wrapped up with: One piece of advice to any younger writer: hope to be the first one of you. don't listen to anyone that discourages you, fuck them and keep going. Plant your ass in your chair and write the words.

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nesta-is-my-queen · 13 days

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Poly+ ACOTAR Week - Day 3 Secrets (Feyre/Tamlin/Rhysand) @polyacotarweek

I'm weak for 'two enemies put aside their differences coz they love me more than they hate each other' trope and I was somewhat sad that's not where Feyre's love life went. Just think of the possibilities.

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nesta-is-my-queen · 14 days

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Sarah J Maas Transcript (2/3)

I did not expect the transcript to blow up as much as it had! I apologise for the delay in getting these out, they take a lot of time to make and I just didn’t have it last weekend. This goes on straight from the last one, linked here.

I’m willing to answer any questions!

—

Interviewer: A lot of love on the stage –

SJM: Where are all my moonies at?

Interviewer: So Sarah, both ACOTAR and Throne of Glass feature some pretty inpirational, badass women – who are the women in your life who were inspirational to you?

SJM: I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded by an amazing group of women. I grew up surrounded by women who never told me I needed to put limitations on myself or my dreams or my expectations or my future because I was a girl. There was never any of that. One of my heroes is actually my grandma. She’s just the most amazing woman ever – she’s eighty-seven years old, she’s about fife feet tall and she’s like a little firecracker, but her story is like… kind of like my story that I like to share.

But my grandma was born in Germany, in Frankfurt, in 1930, and… my grandma was born into a Jewish family. You can imagine what it was like to be a Jew… born in Germany… in the 1930’s… not great. But she actually had a pretty happy, early childhood. Her family was pretty well-off and she had a very loving mother and father and little brother. But as the years wore on, and the Nazis rose to power, things started to get worse, bit by bit. And – with the gold stars – but then it started to really get more intense. One of these instance was, um, my grandma was walking home from school and she was surrounded by a bunch of German school children with stones in their hands. And they literally, they stoned her and she was hit in the head by one the rocks, blacked out, doesn’t remember anything after that, or how she got home, or anything.

That really prompted my great-grandfather to realise that Germany, for them, as Jews, was no longer safe and they had to get out before it got even worse. So he decided to put a lot of their valuables – jewellery, art, they had very valuable camera – into hiding with their friends, all across Europe. To jump ahead… they never got any of that back.

Then he took all of their assets and liquidated them, all to buy tickets to go to England. For himself, his wife, my grandma, her little brother and then myy gread-grandmother’s parents, who lived in Poland and had a very successful textile factory. They were all ready to go to England to get out of Germany, but my great-grandmother’s parents didn’t want to leave Poland.

Things in Poland hadn’t gotten that bad yet, and they had a pretty successful factory that they didn’t want to abandon, they’d been their for generations. So they didn’t want to go. And then my great-grandmother refused to go if it meant leaving her parents behind… so they wound up not going to England. They stayed in Germany.

…And not too long after that, Kristallnacht happened. My grandmother still remembers that night when the Nazis and the Gustapo broke into their house. She remembers the man coming in and his giant trenchcoat and with his giant machine-gun, and she remembers her father being taken away that. And they didn’t see him again.

And it was after that my great-grandmother realised that her children were in grave, grave danger, and that they could soon be killed for being Jewish. She made the incredible decision – the decision I can’t even imagine making – to put my grandma and her little brother, her children, onto a train to get out of Germany and go basically into the arms of strangers. Into an aid organisation that was getting Jewish children out of Germany and putting them across Europe.

And I have no idea how – I – I can’t even picture that moment where she put her two kids – my grandma was about eight, her little brother was around six – she put them onto that train, and said goodbye to them. She had no idea where they were going, who was going to look after them, the world was going to hell… like, I can’t even imagine making that choice. But she did it, and she went back to her family in Poland.

My grandma and her little brother were separated pretty quickly. My grandma spent the next few years literally being hidden all across Europe, basically out-running the Nazis as they spread. She was hidden in church basements, she was hidden in schools, and she wound up being placed with a fammily in Brussels, who had a son who was around her age.

They took in my grandma, hiding her and basically treated her as their own daughter. But when the Nazis invaded Belgium, they actually took her with them to evacuate Brussels… and my grandma still remembers the grid-lock of cars on the highway fleeing the city, and how cars were just bumpered and not moving, and the Nazi planes swept in and began shooting the people of the highway and the cars standing next to their car – she remembers having to hide in a ditch and having to push the car at night when it was safe when the planes weren’t flying overhead. And this family realised, because my grandma was Jewish, it could get them killed and worse than that, it could get their son killed. And my grandma realised that, as well.

[–I stopped recording here. The next video starts a little after. Basically, her grandmother doesn’t blame them at all and is sent away and ends up in a church basement somewhere. Somehow, social workers find her a little while after and she has the chance to be shipped off to safety in America–]

SJM: – and my grandmother said, “I’m not getting on the boat.” And they said, “Why?” And she said, “I’m not getting on the boat without my little brother. Find my little brother.” And they said, “He could be dead. We have no idea where he is. He could be anywhere in Europe, he could have been killed months or years ago.” And she just said, “I’m not getting on the boat without my little brother. Find him.”

And the social worker actually listened to her. The social worker actually looked. And they found him hiding in a church… a couple of miles down the road.

And so they got him, onto the boat, with my grandma – one of the last boats to ever get out of Europe with Jewish children. It breaks my heart – every time I tell this story, it breaks my heart not just because of what my grandma did, but also just thinking about the kids who were left who were left behind. Who didn’t get onto the boats.

So they sailed to America, and it wasn’t until my grandma – and she says this, to this day – it wasn’t until they saw the Statue of Liberty as they sailed into the New York harbour that she knew that she was safe. And from there, they were placed with a Jewish family, in upperstate New York, and they raised my grandma and her little brother as their own.

The war eventually ended, and they had not heard from their parents or what happened to them. They had no idea. My grandma and her little brother quickly adapted to American life. They learned English, they loved being Americans and then they got the news that their father was alive.

It took him a while, after the war, to find them because my great-grandfather, after he was taken away by the Nazis, kind of shuttled around to various concentration camps. For years. And, he sruvived Auschwitz and was moved to Buchenwald. He was in Buchenwald when it was liberated. He actually stayed after the liberation because while he had been in the camp, he had formed pretty close bonds with the rabi. He and them, while they were in the concentration camps, actually continued practising all the Jewish holidays under the Nazi guard’s noses.

But after the campe was freed, he and the rabi stayed because they realised there was a large number of young adults who were too old to receive the aid a lot of the children were receiving to get them out of the camps, but they were still basically kids who had no family, nowhere to go, with no money and nothing. So he and the rabi stayed and forged documents –

[I stopped recording again. In the end, her great-grandfather found his kids, but they also learned what happened to her great-grandmother. She had been smuggling Jews while in her parents’ textile factory, and were unfortunately, they were discovered by the Nazis and were killed.

They continued to live in America, and Sarah’s grandmother eventually married her grandfather. She’s apparently still as lively as ever, and does things like sky-diving and bunjee-jumping to this day.

She went on to say that her grandmother’s story and personaltiy greatly influenced Yrene’s story and character. There is a moment in Tower of Dawn where Yrene feels the presence of all of the healers before her and their jounrey to reach Torre, and that is a moment that Sarah has felt towards her own ancestors.]

That’s where I’ll end today’s transcript. I apologise for any typos. After this, we go into more of a Q&A about the books again, and Sarah answers some more questions (one of them is on Elain’s mating bond with Lucien). So far, we have convered twenty minutes of the recording and have another eleven to go. There will probably be about one (or two) more. I will do them whenever I get the chance (most likely the weekend after next) but please know that I am quite busy around Christmas!

Thank you for all the notes on the last transcript !! >.<

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nesta-is-my-queen · 14 days

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One final treat for the closing day of Poly+ ACOTAR Week @polyacotarweek - all the acoships I personally would enjoy more if they were throuples

Had a blast drawing for this event! Hope you find your favourite ship on the pile!

@taymartiart included your favourite crossover ship just for you with bruntriel

and ofc @ashintheairlikesnow’s acolar tamarhysand is for me coz this fic owns my soul

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nesta-is-my-queen · 15 days

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Death watched him. But death had walked beside him every day of his life. So Cassian stroked his thumb along her palm and said, “Hello Nes.”

Cassian and Nesta - A Court of Thorns and Roses

Artist: @carraert

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nesta-is-my-queen · 18 days

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nesta-is-my-queen · 19 days

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YOUR MATING BOND IS SHOWING: Some underrated Nessian scenes pre-ACOFAS

alternatively titled: how did no one in the Inner Circle accidentally tell Nesta?

I didn't include the big moments (the Cauldron, the Bone Carver, Next Time, Emissary, I'll Come Say Hello, CASSIAN, and Hybern) because they are longer scenes, but these are some small and medium sized moments.

When Cassian can't stop staring at Human Nesta:

Cassian was sizing up Nesta, a gleam in his eyes that I could only interpret as a warrior finding himself faced with a new, interesting opponent.

...

Nesta didn’t bat an eyelash as she studied the handsome features, the muscled torso. Then turned to me. Dismissing him entirely.

Cassian’s face went almost feral. A wolf who had been circling a doe … only to find a mountain cat wearing its hide instead.

...

Rhys gave me a warning look. I gripped Nesta’s arm, drawing her attention to me. “Can we just … start over?”

I could almost taste her pride roiling in her veins, barking to not back down.

Cassian, damn him, gave her a taunting grin.

But Nesta merely hissed, “Fine.” And went back to eating.

Cassian watched every bite she took, every bob of her throat as she swallowed.

...

“That’s very beautiful,” she said. “Is it not—frightening, though? To fly so high?”

“It is sometimes,” Azriel said. Cassian tore his relentless attention from Nesta long enough to nod his agreement.

When Nesta gives Cassian the finger:

He’d given Nesta a mocking bow, and she’d given him a vulgar gesture I hadn’t realized she knew how to make.

Cassian had merely laughed, his eyes snaking over Nesta’s ice-blue gown with a predatory intent that, given her hiss of rage, he knew would set her spitting. Then he was gone, leaving my sister on the broad doorstep, her brown-gold hair ruffled by the chill wind stirred by his mighty wings.

When Cassian comes back from Wings & Embers:

I assumed seeing Nesta went about as poorly as could be imagined, because my lesson the following morning was longer and harder than it’d been in previous days. I’d asked what, exactly, Nesta had said to him to get under his skin so easily. But Cassian had only snarled and told me to mind my own business, and that my family was full of bossy, know-it-all females.

When Cassian declares he'll defend the humans (ACOMAF version)

His voice was rough as he said, “Five hundred years ago, I fought on battlefields not far from this house. I fought beside human and faerie alike, bled beside them. I will stand on that battlefield again, Nesta Archeron, to protect this house—your people. I can think of no better way to end my existence than to defend those who need it most.”

I watched a tear slide down Nesta’s cheek. And I watched as Cassian reached up a hand to wipe it away. She did not flinch from his touch.

When Feyre notices the mating bond:

When I looked ahead, I found Cassian staring back at Nesta as well.

I wondered why no one had yet mentioned what now shone in Cassian’s eyes as he gazed at my sister.

The sorrow. And the longing.

When Cassian tells Nesta exactly what is going to happen to Briallyn:

“You come between a male and his mate, Nesta Archeron, and you’re going to learn about the consequences the hard way.”

When Cassian speaks of his own intentions:

I blew out a breath. “Who else thinks it’s a terrible idea to leave the three of them up at the House of Wind?”

Cassian raised his hand as Rhys and Mor chuckled. The High Lord’s general said, “I give him an hour before he tries to see her.”

...

Cassian’s hazel eyes shuttered as he crossed a booted ankle over another, stretching his muscled legs before him. “I go up there every other day. It’s good exercise for my wings.” Those wings shifted in emphasis. Not a scratch marred them.

When Cassian wants revenge:

Mor’s lips pressed into a thin line, as if she was trying her best not to say anything. Azriel was trying his best to shoot a warning stare at Mor to remind her to indeed keep her mouth shut. As if they’d already discussed this. Many times.

“I don’t blame her,” Cassian said, shrugging despite his words. “She was—violated. Her body stopped belonging wholly to her.” His jaw clenched. Even Amren didn’t dare say anything. “And I am going to peel the King of Hybern’s skin off his bones the next time I see him.”

His Siphons flickered in answer.

Rhys said casually, “I’m sure the king will thoroughly enjoy the experience.”

Cassian glowered. “I mean it.”

When Cassian realizes how beautiful his mate is:

Yes, devastating was a good word for how lovely she’d become as High Fae. And in a long-sleeved, dark blue gown that clung to her curves before falling gracefully to the ground in a spill of fabric …

Cassian looked like someone had punched him in the gut.

When Cassian got out of an uncomfortable situation:

Mor blinked, but confided to me with a wince, “I think we’re going to need a lot more wine.”

Nesta’s spine stiffened. But she said nothing.

“I’ll raid the collection,” Cassian offered, disappearing through the inner hall doors too quickly to be casual.

Nesta stiffened a bit more.

When Nesta wants revenge

“Were they made immortal?” This question went to Azriel.

Azriel’s Siphons smoldered. “Reports have been murky and inconsistent. Some say yes, others say no.”

Nesta examined her wineglass.

Cassian braced his forearms on the table. “Why?”

Nesta’s eyes shot right to his face. She spoke quietly to me, to all of us, even as she held Cassian’s gaze as if he were the only one in the room. “By the end of this war, I want them dead. The king, the queens—all of them. Promise me you’ll kill them all, and I’ll help you patch up the wall. I’ll train with her”—a jerk of her chin to Amren—“I’ll go to the Hewn City or whatever it is … I’ll do it. But only if you promise me that.”

When Cassian is mad at Feyre and lies:

I studied him, the wings tucked in tight, the shoulder-length dark hair. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He stalked past me to the ring.

“Is it Nesta?”

“Not everything in my life is about your sister, you know.”

I kept my mouth shut on that front.

When Nesta shows up to training:

Something drew Cassian’s attention behind me. And even as his body remained casual, a predatory gleam flickered in his eyes.

I didn’t need to turn to know who was standing there.

“Care to join?” Cassian purred.

Nesta said, “It doesn’t look like you’re exercising anything other than your mouths.”

I looked over my shoulder. My sister was in a dress of pale blue that turned her skin golden, her hair swept up, her back a stiff column. I scrambled to say something, to apologize, but … not in front of him. She wouldn’t want this conversation in front of Cassian.

Cassian extended a wrapped hand, his fingers curling in a come-hither motion. “Scared?”

I wisely kept my mouth shut as Nesta stepped from the open doorway into the blinding light of the courtyard. “Why should I be scared of an oversized bat who likes to throw temper tantrums?”

...

Cassian was saying to Nesta, “Seems like you’re a little on edge, Nesta. And you left so abruptly last night … Any way I can help ease that tension?”

When Cassian has manners: (and realizes his mate may never fly)

Mercifully, or perhaps not, Nesta’s retching filled the silence. Cassian gaped at Rhys. “What did you do?”

“I asked him the same thing,” I said, crossing my arms. “He said he ‘went fast.’ ”

Nesta vomited again—then silence.

Cassian sighed at the ceiling. “She’ll never fly again.”

The doorknob twisted, and we tried—or at least Cassian and I did—not to seem like we’d been listening to her. Nesta’s face was still greenish-pale, but … Her eyes burned.

When Cassian helps her calm down:

There was no way of describing that burning—and even painting it might have failed.

Her eyes remained the same blue-gray as my own. And yet … Molten ore was all I could think of. Quicksilver set aflame.

She advanced a step toward us. All her attention fixed on Rhys.

Cassian casually stepped in her path, wings folded in tight. Feet braced apart on the carpet. A fighting stance—casual, but … his Siphons glimmered.

“Do you know,” Cassian drawled to her, “that the last time I got into a brawl in this house, I was kicked out for a month?”

Nesta’s burning gaze slid to him, still outraged—but hinted with incredulity.

He just went on, “It was Amren’s fault, of course, but no one believed me. And no one dared banish her.”

She blinked slowly.

But the burning, molten gaze became mortal. Or as mortal as one of us could be.

When he calls her "Nes" for the first time:

Both males went a bit still. But Azriel sketched a bow—while Cassian stalked for the dining table, reached right over Nesta’s shoulder, and grabbed a muffin from its little basket. “Morning, Nesta,” he said around a mouth of blueberry-lemon. “Elain.”

---

Cassian finished the muffin, licking his fingers. I could have sworn Nesta watched the entire thing with a sidelong glance. He grinned at her as if he knew it, too. “Ready for some flying, Nes?”

“Don’t call me that.”

The wrong thing to say, from the way Cassian’s eyes lit up.

When she flies with him for the first time:

My sister’s face was wind-flushed as Cassian gently set her down. Then she strode for the glass doors without a single look back.

“You’re welcome,” Cassian called after her, more than a bite to his voice. His hands clenched and slackened at his sides—as if he were trying to loosen the feel of her from his palms.

When he rescues her and can't hide his disappointment the she didn't hug him:

He said nothing as Nesta launched herself toward him, her dress filthy and disheveled, her arms stretching for him. He opened his own for her, unable to stop his approach, his reaching— She gripped his leathers instead.

...

Cassian only stretched out an arm for her. As if in a trance, she walked right to his side. His arms tightened around both of us, Siphons flaring, gilding the darkness with bloodred light.

When Nesta is recovering from the library attack and he's an attentive mate:

Nesta looked like she was going to be sick. Cassian wordlessly refilled her glass.

When he's protective and we find out about their height difference

Cassian was staring at Nesta—hard enough that my sister at last twisted toward him. Met his gaze. His head tilted—slightly. A silent order.

Nesta, to my shock, obeyed. Drifted over to Cassian’s side as Amren replied to Rhys, “No.”

...

Cassian casually slid Nesta behind him, his fingers snagging in the skirts of her black gown. As if to reassure himself that she wasn’t in Amren’s direct path. Nesta only rose onto her toes to peer over his shoulder.

When Cassian still isn't back from Adriata:

Nesta was waiting at the breakfast table the next morning. Not for me, I realized as her gaze slipped over me as if I were no more than a servant. But for someone else. I kept my mouth shut, not bothering to tell her Cassian was still up at the war-camps. If she wouldn’t ask … I wasn’t getting in the middle of it.

When Cassian is proud of Nesta:

“I would.” Nesta surveyed us all, her gaze jumping past Cassian. Not to slight him, but … avoid answering the look he was giving her. Approval—more. “It was some distant thing,” she said. “War. Battle. It … it’s not anymore. I will help, if I can. If it means … telling them what happened.”

When Nesta defends Cassian for the first time:

Beron only sneered. “I don’t take orders from the bastards of lesser fae whores.”

...

“That bastard,” Nesta said with utter coolness, though her eyes began to burn, “may wind up being the only person standing in the way of Hybern’s forces and your people.”

She didn’t so much as look at Cassian as she said it. But he stared at her—as if he’d never seen her before.

When Feyre dismissed Nesta but Cassian doesn't:

The door opened, and Cassian stalked in, face grave. The sight of the wings, the Illyrian armor in this opulent, pink-filled room planted itself in my mind, the painting already taking form, as he said, “What’s wrong.”

He studied every inch of her. As if there were nothing and no one else here, anywhere.

But I said, “She senses something is off—says we need to leave right away.”

I waited for the dismissal, but Cassian angled his head. “What, precisely, feels wrong?”

When the Cauldron made Nesta barf and Cassian is an attentive mate

“What’s wrong?” Mor demanded, holding my sister upright as her face contorted in what looked to be—pain. Confusion and pain.

Sweat beaded on Nesta’s brow, though her face went deathly pale. “Something …” The word was cut off by a low groan. She sagged, and Mor caught her fully, scanning Nesta’s face. Cassian was instantly there, his hand at her back, teeth bared at the invisible threat.

“Nesta,” I said, reaching for her.

Nesta seized—then twisted past Cassian to empty her stomach into the reflection pool.

When he touches her forehead:

Cassian stepped in Nesta’s path when she tried to walk past him. Put a tan, callused hand on her forehead. She shook off the touch, but he gripped her wrist, forcing her to meet his stare. “Any one of those human pricks makes a move to hurt you,” he breathed, “and you kill them.”

He wouldn’t be coming—no, he’d be mustering the full might of the Illyrian legions. Azriel would be joining us, though.

Cassian pressed one of his knives into Nesta’s hand. “Ash can kill you now,” he said with lethal quiet as she stared down at the blade. “A scratch can make you queasy enough to be vulnerable. Remember where the exits are in every room, every fence and courtyard—mark them when you go in, and mark how many men are around you. Mark where Rhys and the others are. Don’t forget that you’re stronger and faster. Aim for the soft parts,” he added, folding her fingers around the hilt. “And if someone gets you into a hold …” My sister said nothing as Cassian showed her the sensitive areas on a man. Not just the groin, but the inside of the foot, pinching the thigh, using her elbow like a weapon. When he finished, he stepped back, his hazel eyes churning with some emotion I couldn’t place.

When Nesta watches Cassian in Battle:

Only Nesta strode toward the edge of the tents to watch the battle on the valley floor below. Mor joined her, then me.

Nesta did not flinch at the clash and din of battle. She only stared toward one black-armored figure, leading the lines, his occasional order to push or to hold that flank barking across the battle

...

Cassian was trying. Azriel had lunged into the fray, nothing more than shadows edged in blue light, battling his way toward where Cassian fought, utterly surrounded.

“Mother above,” Nesta said softly. Not in awe. No—no, that was dread in her voice.

...

By the time I strode away, Nesta had already faced the battle once more, rain plastering her hair to her head. Resuming her unending vigil of the general battling on the valley floor below.

When she wraps up his wrist (and when he's an idiot and focuses on Mor)

But Nesta had jolted to her feet, staring at Cassian....But she surveyed his seven Siphons, the dim red stones. And then she said, “You’re hurt.”

Cassian’s face was grim—his eyes glassy. “It’s fine.” Even the words were laced with exhaustion.

But she reached for his arm—his shield arm.

Cassian seemed to hesitate, but offered it to her, tapping the Siphon atop his palm. The armor slid back a fraction over his forearm, revealing—

“You know better than to walk around with an injury,” Rhys said a bit tensely.

“I was busy,” Cassian said, not taking his focus off Nesta as she studied the swollen wrist. How she’d detected it through the armor … She must have read it in his eyes, his stance.

I hadn’t realized she’d been observing the Illyrian general enough to notice his tells.

“And it’ll be fixed by morning,” Cassian added, daring Rhys to say otherwise.

But Nesta’s pale fingers gently probed his golden-brown skin, and he hissed through his teeth.

“How do I fix it?” she asked ...

Cassian slowly sat on the log where she’d been perched a moment before, groaning softly—as if even that movement taxed him. “Icing it usually helps, but wrapping it will just lock it in place long enough for the sprain to repair itself—”

She reached for the basket of bandages she’d been preparing, then for the pitcher at her feet.

I was too tired to do anything other than watch as she washed his wrist, his hand, her own fingers gentle... Cassian seemed too weary to speak as well while she wrapped bandages around his wrist, only grunting to confirm if it was too tight or too loose, if it helped at all. But he watched her—didn’t take his eyes off her face, the brows bunched and lips pursed in concentration.

And when she’d tied it neatly, his wrist wrapped in white, when Nesta made to pull back, Cassian gripped her fingers in his good hand. She lifted her gaze to his. “Thank you,” he said hoarsely.

Nesta did not yank her hand away. Did not open her mouth for some barbed retort.

She only stared and stared at him, at the breadth of his shoulders, even more powerful in that beautiful black armor, at the strong column of his tan neck above it, his wings. And then at his hazel eyes, still riveted to her face.

Cassian brushed a thumb down the back of her hand. Nesta opened her mouth at last, and I braced myself—

“You’re hurt?”

At the sound of Mor’s voice, Cassian snatched his hand back and pivoted toward Mor with a lazy smile. “Nothing for you to cry over, don’t worry.”

Nesta dragged her stare from his face—down to her now-empty hand, her fingers still curled as if his palm lay there. Cassian didn’t look at Nesta as she rose, snatching up the pitcher, and muttered something about getting more water from inside the tent.

Cassian and Mor fell into their banter, laughing and taunting each other about the battle and the ones ahead.

Nesta didn’t come back out again for some time.

When Cassian almost dies, and she's worried sick, and then she looks him over to make sure he's okay:

Nesta stood by the nearest tent, an empty water bucket between her feet. Her hair a damp mess atop her mud-flecked head. Watching us emerge, grim-faced—

“He’s fine. Healed and awake,” I said quickly.

Nesta’s shoulders sagged a bit.

...

Still coated in mud up to her shins, my sister paused on the other side—away from where Cassian now sat. Looked him over. Her face revealed nothing, yet her hands … I could have sworn a faint tremor rippled through her fingers before she balled them into fists and faced Amren. Cassian watched her for a moment longer before turning his head toward Amren as well.

...

Your sister came immediately when I explained what we needed, Rhys said. I think seeing Cassian hurt convinced her not to pick a fight today.

Or convinced my sister to pick a fight with someone else entirely.

When Nesta Scries: No harm no harm no harm

Nesta still didn’t move. She could not use the bathtub, she’d told me. Because the memories it dragged up—

Cassian said to her, “Nothing can harm you here.” He sucked in a breath, groaning softly, and rose to his feet. Azriel tried to stop him, but Cassian brushed him off and strode for my sister’s side. He braced a hand on the desk when he at last stopped. “Nothing can harm you,” he repeated.

Nesta was still looking at him when she finally shut her eyes. I shifted, and the angle allowed me to see what I hadn’t detected before.

Nesta stood before the map, a fist of bones and stones clenched over it. Cassian remained at her side—his other hand on her lower back.

...

With a gasp, Nesta’s fingers splayed wide, scattering stones and bones over the map. Cassian caught her with an arm around the waist as she swayed. He hissed in pain at the movement. “What the hell—”

When Cassian makes an offer most women would not refuse:

“Eat or bed?” Cassian had asked Nesta, and I honestly couldn’t tell if he’d meant it as some invitation. I debated telling him he was in no shape.

Nesta only said, “Bed.” And there was certainly no invitation in the exhausted reply.

When Elain is taken:

“We’ll get her back,” Cassian rasped from where he perched on the rolled arm of the chaise longue across the small sitting area, watching her carefully...

Nesta lowered her hands, lifting her head. Her eyes were red-rimmed, lips thin. “No, you will not.” She pointed to the map on the table. “I saw that army. Its size, who is in it. I saw it, and there is no chance of any of you getting into its heart. Even you,” she added when Cassian opened his mouth again. “Especially not when you’re injured.”

When Cassian declares he'll defend the humans, pt. 2 (ACOWAR)

“Good,” Cassian said, glancing at Nesta. “If I end my life defending those who need it most, then I will consider it a death well spent.

When Cassian was going to say something before the last battle:

Rhys only asked, “How long do you think we have?”

Cassian clenched his jaw, glancing at my sisters. Nesta was watching him keenly; Elain monitored the army from our minor elevation, face white with dread....

Cassian took a step away, but looked back at Nesta. Her face was hard as granite. He opened his mouth, but seemed to decide against whatever he was about to say. My sister said nothing as Cassian shot into the sky with a powerful thrust of his wings. Yet she tracked his flight until he was hardly more than a dark speck.

When they decide to lure away Hybern:

Nesta stared toward that armada, toward our father fighting in it. “Use me. As bait.”

I blinked at the same moment Cassian said, “No.”

...

“He will kill you,” Cassian snarled.

Her hand clenched on his arm. “That’s—that’s where you come in.”

To guard her. Protect her. To lay a trap for the king.

...

Cassian said steadily, “It’s the only shot we have of a diversion. Luring him away from that Cauldron.” His hands tightened on Nesta.

...

But Cassian asked Nesta, “Do you have what you need?”

Nesta nodded. “Amren showed me enough. What to do to rally the power to me.”

And if Amren and I could control the Cauldron between us … That distraction they’d offer …

Nesta looked down to Elain—our sister monitoring the bloodbath ahead. Then to me. She said quietly, “Tell Father—thank you.”

She wrapped her arms tightly around Cassian, those gray-blue eyes bright, then they were gone.

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