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Blog started 2017: The Real Me

Dear Mom & Dad, Friends, Family, Peers, Recovery Coach Co-Workers, Clients I’ve Helped, My Therapist, Collage Classmate, &  Strangers

I am an addict, more specificity I am a meth addict. I take full accountability and I stand tall, this is my CHOICE and I have my reasons. I have no shame, no guilt, no remorse this is who I am. If this shocks you, comes as a surprise, or gives you the truth you’ve suspected and demanded from me; there you have it. Although, my plans have been made clear this is my final blog to detail my life in my own words and point of view, these are my days, my random bulbs, my absolutely crazy theories, rants and bitches on my soapbox to service my life until the day I pass away (when it is destined to naturally occur). I am not sorry and I haven’t a ounce within to apologize to no one, I refuse, you may not like it but I advice you to accept it as it is what it is; the truth is the hardest pill to swallow.

Why, you inquire? I have done things your way and I have done things the way a clinical professional advised I must become (due to my past). Both, has posed hardships, I have waged wars with myself, I have been shamed by my therapist many times (each session until this the past year) to become someone I never measured up to and fear I failed or couldn’t be the person I was directed to become so says she when I was searching for answers fully willing and dedicated to changing my life in betterment. I am sick of being miserable, stuck in my head and ruining myself; this is my refusal to become dicated by others as to how I must / how should I live my life. I have chosen to say fuck this and do things *my* way because those I spoke of were merciless hell and it is time (far past it) to become the me I am inside. To reflect my unique personality, to broadcast my demons, to be cray cray, to be true to myself. I begain to do life my way, on my terms, and how I fucking want to following my college graduation 2016 occurring in the month of May. On June 1st I chose to put Charlie back in my life and I will speak later of why I did so. This should not come as a shocker to no one of you who have known me from a personal level. I have loved Charlie for 14 years. I cannot bare to live a life absent for this man who is so important to me, who I love deeply and who was brought to me by fate. I know you hate this man, that is your choice. Let me get one thing out of my way. I think you are ignorant to blame Charlie for the past or for this I write of now. I will say it again I am accountable fully for past and present, I chose and choose to use meth, Charlie was nor is he to blame. I am responsible, hate me. With him I am not absent, I felt that void for so long, I am complete; I am home.

I chose to dub this block Nice Little Suicide Note (are you shocked, I am crazed and at times my humor is morbid) after a lyric spoke to me from Sixx Am. I am not suicidal, I have only been once past getting treatment 5 years ago. Since I opted to live my way and all that details above I haven’t even sunk into depression (clinical major depression, ha). I am having the best time of my life. I have came to love myself and accept my perfectly inperfect flaws. I never thought such would ever be possible for a live lived with only seething self-hatred for myself. Again, I love and accept myself and proud I am for who I am and my personality. My personality remains (nor will it ever) be broken. I am who you get (although none of you will ever get me, I don’t even get myself sometimes and it’s part of the fun I came to love to be me). This is because I found freedom, I am free. I will no longer be chained, kept in, dominated, shamed.

Sincerity, Fuck you.

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I came across this song on a lone solo night of my search for music, worth listening too and on occasion added to my massive collection of Internet audio downloads. This song, it defiantly got added to my currently active music playlist. It’s like the bitch got a hold of my past, and lone lost, blogs and wrote the song around my lost soul. It had me in awe of how closely related the lyrics are to my personal story. I mean come on:

“ Just a prime thirteen when I rode his machine Tried to keep my body dirty and my eyes closed and clean So with a wink and a smile and a vial of meth I took his hand and we walked through the shadow of death “

Hello, hello, hello.. This is the exact route I took, this is the route that made me into the person I am today, the one that at 34 I came to love and accept (for the first time in my life). This is what made me.

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What’s in a name?

You may be thinking where the hell, and what the fuck, is up with such a toxic username. Oh no, you may be discovering this username and blog believing the assumption that girl wants to kill herself. Nah, I’m not going upon a death wish. Yeah, I get depressed. Yeah, you will read a host of depression related written posts. Fuck, just ask. Your assumptions are inaccurate if you stumble upon this and think I’m foolish and want to die. I already did that once. I’m not here to take myself out but rather tell a long lasting story of the true being I am. Who knows I might just take my dumb ass out, I love danger and i take every risk that comes my way, if I do that’s not what I have planned. As par, the first time I stopped my heart it was a “damn I fucked up” type of thing. Yeah, so it goes that’s life.

My username was created from the Sixx Am song from the soundtrack of “Heroin Diaries” Nikki Sixx’s memoir of his addiction. I always was attracted to the “in your face”‘ like ditty of the X-mas In Hell song. So people, don’t wig the fuck out!

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Throughout my life and all the bumps in the road, the up’s and the tremendously many downs, I have always had a blog to carry me along the way. Regrettably those blogs have been taken down either by myself or by the medium they were written on for inactivity, more or less I have forgotten the password and email (most likely made up so that I can make yet another blog on Tumblr, or those blogs represented a fictional person that I am not but was falsely creating to fit in. In example, my most realist blog was the one I kept throughout my worst when my problems fucked up to a crazy level while I was methed up. Of course, I have not a damn idea what username I used. So it’s long been forgotten.

So, the idea here is to maintain this, simply this is my final blog to follow me throughout this point forward; until something takes me out of this world or I fuck up and take myself out of this world be it sentenced, psych hospital, or dead. I have written down this username and password which I am storing in a private place, along with other digital media, that I have made known to two individuals after (and if) my demise or I shall go missing (abducted by aliens). This blog will be the story of my life, the real and true me; purposely left for those to know me as I do, in memory of the unique perfectly flawed indivudial of the being that was born as myself. I can pridefully, at the age of 34, say honestly that I have accepted myself and ironically I have came to love myself for who and what I am. Thus, this is why in a new blog I am choosing to chronicle every bit of that personality I uphold, the mistake known and mold broken once I was put upon this Earth and given breath. This is my life, this is who I am, and these are the thoughts I have in my mind (quirky and crazy).

This is the great shit ton of insanity I keep inside, within the pressure cooker of self ready at any second to explode. Hmm, I have always wondered if I would be the soul that was chemically combustive in a freak act of science. I just may. Whatever it be, ladies and gentleman this is my life. Absolutely anonymous, this bit of the web is owned by the insanity and demons in my head. It’s haunted, so buckle up for the ride. Nothing is off limited. Unedited. Unplanned. Unscripted. Raw. Meh.

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I've started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons. -One, I have no friends left. -Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before. -And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.

Nixxi Sixx (X-mas In Hell)