nobodynoclosure - Tumblr blog

nobodynoclosure · 3 years

Text

I want to pretend

that I'm perfectly happy. That nothing is ripping me apart at the seams and that I'm okay.

I want to pretend that I don't hate myself and that I don't want to punish myself for letting me reach this point of disaster. I want to pretend that I don't look in the mirror and see a fraud, a hypocrite -- that I don't see myself trying to claw my way out from deep within my bones. I can picture myself ripping up my own insides as though I were being held hostage by this fake version of me except what I am on the outside is who I already am, it's who I've become, and I'm so fucking angry. I'm enraged.

I'm just so angry all the time. I'm angry about who I am now. I'm angry about the version of me that brought me here. I'm angry that I can't just remove myself from this planet because then I would be seen as selfish even though that's the only thing that can bring me peace at this point. I keep disappointing myself. I hate the noise inside my brain. I hate that I'm always at war with myself.

Thinking about who I've become, what I've done, and what I continue to do kills me. I'm a danger unto myself. I wish I could fucking off myself and get it all over with. I'm so fucking tired. My brain physically feels tired. I could throw up from exhaustion.

I'm so tired of being here, I'm so tired of waking up.

I want to pretend that I'm okay but I haven't been okay for years.

#let me talk to myself

2 notes · View notes

nobodynoclosure · 3 years

Text

Real talk

It baffles me how some people think time is truly considered a solid basis for any relationship (romantic and otherwise).

Longevity has nothing to do with the direction your relationship is going to take. Time gives no shits about how long you've been together. Time couldn't give a rat's ass about your long-standing union. Time would honestly rather be kept out of your issues.

I have known so many people, my own parents included, who would beg to differ about time being relative to any relationship. I've known people who were together for ten years only to never see it to the end and finally find forever with people they've known for a few months. My own parents had known each other for less than a year, been married for 20-odd years, and spent the past 11 years hating each other's guts -- they want out. There are people who have been together for more than five years and some of them only stuck around because their partners were known to throw fits when the other said they wanted to leave -- when they did finally manage to leave, they somehow ended up way happier with people they knew for less the amount of time they spent with their previous partners.

Time is not relative to any -ship. You think that just because you've made it past two years, it becomes a legally binding thing? You're not joined at the hip unless both parties will it to be so. It sickens me when people say "Haha, we've known each other for x-amount of years, you're stuck with me for life." You honestly have no control over that. Most especially when the other person doesn't even see things that far into the future. It's just the way life is. Deal with it. Not everybody is obligated to stick around just because you said so. You're too busy thinking about what you want, about your happiness, about what happens to you. Have you considered what they want out of their own lives? Have you considered their happiness? Have you considered that this is probably not what they want for the long run? Have you considered that people ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS ABOUT YOU AND WHAT THEY WANT FOR THEMSELVES? Of course not. Up until this point you've only really thought about your general well-fare. What they want is besides the point to you, it's something that comes up in passing but never really lingers.

Something else to think about: apart from their tone in how they hold their conversations with you, what are their actions and behaviors telling you? Those speak louder. Those are much more telling signs. Time doesn't fucking dictate anything. It's just a thing that passes.

Nobody's required to stick around and you can't force people to. Not everything is about what you want, and if somebody else wants the opposite of what you want, you just have to accept it. You have no control over anybody.

I've had people come and go. People whom I've known for half my life have cut ties. Did I force them to stay? No -- with the exception of one person but it was from that person that I learned that it's not my place to dictate anybody's choices. How dare I try to control their lives? They wanted to leave so I didn't oppose. I don't get to pull the bullshit that is the "time" card on them. Time isn't relative to any kind of relationship.

In my opinion, one of the few things that should even be considered is BOTH party's WILLINGNESS to STAY -- if the other doesn't want to go on anymore, it's not your place to make them stay. Really, the root in the whole thing is just a person's willingness to stay. If they're not willing anymore, you can't expect clear communication, or anything else. What you can expect from them is just compliance without any further thought -- they're just gonna say what you want to hear and do what they know will keep you quiet or from causing any further fusses.

So, just cut it out with that time bullshit. Time wants you to keep them out of it.

this tirade of sorts was brought to you by a discussion my cousin and i had a few days ago that made our blood boil and turned into a conversation full of shouty capital letters. thx very much ate syd.

#let me talk to myself

0 notes