nofuneralplease - Tumblr blog

nofuneralplease · 8 days

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Big things happening on twitter today.

#TBS AND A JOHN NOTICE???#I DIDNT TAG ANYONE!!!!!!#adam lazzara #john nolan #taking back sunday #tbsposting

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nofuneralplease · 11 days

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SOURCE

Some more pics of this hair

#AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

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nofuneralplease · 12 days

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05/18/2008 - Ryan Ross dedicates Northern Downpour to Pete Wentz and his happily ever after.

source: https://youtu.be/ZmYc4n3rlYY

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nofuneralplease · 12 days

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Mark deserved a medal of honor for this whole video. I'm not joking.

#tbsposting

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nofuneralplease · 12 days

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New John Nolan Instagram Reel! I'm not sad anymore.

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nofuneralplease · 12 days

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I'm not good at making fancams nor am I ever particularly happy with the results but boy do I love looking at these dudes.

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nofuneralplease · 12 days

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I love the genre and my favorite bands and emo music whatever that means to people at this point but I've realized that being in this scene is seeing a specific band constantly that I find incredibly upsetting because the allegations against them are distressingly similar to what happened to me as a teenager, and those allegations broke when my own abuse was still ongoing. And I tried to separate the art from the artist as an adult, I tried listening to them, and I realize now shamefully that the thing that attracted me to their music at that point was the same thing that makes me press on a fresh bruise over and over. They have a specific song that feels like it described my own experiences, and maybe something that bad happened to the lyricist, but with hindsight and the personal growth I've had as I've gotten older and begun to accept the things that happened to me weren't entirely deserved or my fault (I look at pictures of myself from then and see a child, a child who had to grow up so fast and believed the facade I had to put on to survive) it feels like the excuses I was given to justify what was happening to me. Hurt people hurt people, and I suppose I was just the next in line to inherit that trauma. But, I can't fathom doing what happened to me to anyone else. Instead I was so afraid to even defend myself or protect myself that I allowed horrible things to continue to happen to me into adulthood because I never wanted to be hurtful. I believed what was told to me and that I was the person the men who took advantage of me told me I was because it was the path of least resistance. I spent years trying to justify everything that happened, even the things I begged to be stopped. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to be selfless. I wanted it to be true that this happened to me because I was a bad person. That I was born wrong and my existence itself was deserving of punishment. These are standards I never had for any other victim, but I couldn't sincerely consider myself one. I still struggle to. I still look in the mirror and see someone who got what they deserved. If I wasn't meant for cruelty then why would my life just be filled with it no matter how kind or upstanding this person was everywhere and anyone else?

And now I'm 25 and trying to forgive myself. I'm trying to get better. I want self-esteem more than anything. People I know in real life constantly say I should stand up for myself. That I shouldn't let people talk to me the way they do. That don't agree with me when I laugh about how I'm stupid, or ugly, or laugh off anything bad that happens to me because of course it would. I want to believe them.

But, it's hard. I feel too old to be doing this. And it's hard to be indulging in a hobby and a genre that should be a comfort and see someone being praised who's just like the person who hurt me. That people defend and treat like a messiah. It makes me realize if my abuser was famous he would still be. I'm a bad victim. I'm not someone people would have sympathy for. And when I see the way they pull apart these victims stories ("they were still friendly with him for years", "they never reported it", "they weren't innocent") I know the same if not worse would be said about me.

I don't expect to be handled with kid gloves but it's difficult to constantly be reminded of this and feel like I'm watching people justify my own abuse. It's hard to forgive myself when it feels like everyone would agree it was my fault. I feel like looking for things about bands I love will constantly lead me back to this place. It's easy to look at historical relics because if they're mentioned it's with blissful ignorance, not indifference. I make posts about other things and people will casually bring that band up. People follow me who adore them. I don't know how to ask them to stop. I don't know how to communicate this without sounding like a child. I feel like I'm constantly falling out of my body and reliving being 15 again, sobbing in the back of a strange man's car. My 16th birthday was a surprise party with Hello Kitty decorations. When I pulled up to my apartment and saw all the cars parked outside I thought someone told my legal guardian and that I would be in trouble. It seeped into every memory I have as a teenager. It bleeds into my life now when I have to avoid watching sitcoms because they make me feel sick, or when I have to skip a song, or when I can't bare to get out of bed or brush my teeth.

I don't know what I should or will do. Probably nothing. But I feel like at this point clicking on a reddit link is accepting I'll fall down a rabbit hole where at best I'll feel sick to my stomach and at worst I'll be filled with self-loathing for the rest of the day.

I keep telling myself if I stay positive and focus on the beauty in everything I'll get better and it will stop hurting as much. Maybe this is exposure therapy. Maybe I should be grateful.

#csa cw #sa cw #theres no prize if you figure out what band im talking about

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nofuneralplease · 12 days

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American Nightclub 1999 by John Nolan is a perfect song but it makes me feel strange.

#johnder.... maybe #beyond that it just feels relatable and nostalgic #and the music video is so hot i could go blind

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nofuneralplease · 13 days

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I keep swapping these edits back and forth between my home and lockscreen because I can't decide which I prefer and where, but having to use a new phone means I get to make new wallpapers/lockscreens. 🌈

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nofuneralplease · 14 days

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Lost my phone at work and don't think I'll get it back and I explained this normally on Twitter but I'm having a fucking meltdown for abnormal reasons involving my edits, memes, photos of John and Adam (and the rest but my collection of screenshots and photos of them bruised and bloody GONE), all my concert videos, all my saved LiveJournal fic and post links, and ALL THE WIPS OF FANFICTION I'VE WRITTEN FOR TWO YEARS THAT I HAVEN'T POSTED SCREENSHOTS OF ON MU PRIVATE TWITTER are gone. I refuse to engage with it beyond disassociating and posting through it hut everyone thinks I'm fine and I'm really not. I can't even read my saved JohnAdam tabs to feel better. I should throw myself down a ravine what is wrong with me.

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nofuneralplease · 15 days

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I found a picture of him from 2004 to base it off of because I over-thought it.

JNo, 2004.

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nofuneralplease · 15 days

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everytime someone likes one of my wentzross posts I get the notification and my brain starts sizzling and overheating as I think about jellybeangate and casinogate and the many Google docs I've made and essays I've written to explain things to my friends and I'm glad the bit of it I've thrown on the internet makes people happy

#I gotta be honest I think people being mad #like pissed off at me for it made it not fun anymore #but I still think about it an update my personal stuff occasionally #It'll always be MY THING #Truly it will never leave me #Mostly because I'm now an encyclopedia and the knowledge won't leave my brain

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nofuneralplease · 15 days

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"is that-"

oh, I see you noticed my Cute Without the 'E' screenshots. this is actually because I have every frame of the alternative cut in a folder in a Google drive.