noosesurroundsme

[noosesurroundsme]

Why do I keep trying to be a good person when I'm not.

A customer came in the other day trying to find a paint of some kind to rechrome a sentimental toast frog. She works for and does restorations on many objects for people but couldn't get anything I recommended to work out so she asked me to airbrush it and at some point this spring she'd like me to train her to use an airbrush. I felt confident I could do that so I took it home the other night and started. I found out that it's actually a ceramic piece. I sprayed primer last night and it won't take to the ceramic piece at all. It wipes right off and I can't get the ceramic to take a scratch so the paint has tooth to stick.

I don't think I'm going to be able to complete this as much as I want to. I always over promise and get myself stuck in a position like this. Trying to help people but idk what I'm doing. I'm mediocre. I have so many other projects to do yet I always try to help people when I shouldn't. I'm awful and I'm not good at anything. Why do I keep doing this to myself and these people.

[noosesurroundsme]

All I do is fuck things up why do I even bother anymore I want to give up

[noosesurroundsme]

is it just me or is everything constantly horrible

[noosesurroundsme]

healing is taking too long what if i just kill myself

[noosesurroundsme]

[noosesurroundsme]

everything fucking hurts and i wanna bang my head on the wall

[noosesurroundsme]

[noosesurroundsme]

[noosesurroundsme]

I feel pathetic. I've had it since Wednesday and everyday I just look at it. I'm weak and I haven't offed myself yet. I bought rounds that are just for me because they'll tear me up and make sure I don't make it. To weak to end it but still here just to fucking suffer. I want to feel more than possible again. I want to do things but it all feels like too much.

[noosesurroundsme]

.

#finally

[noosesurroundsme]

[noosesurroundsme]

“We cannot truly understand each other. But we can be understanding of one another.”

— Stacie Martin

[noosesurroundsme]

[noosesurroundsme]

I wish I could be the middle or youngest sibling. Can't depend on either sibling for any basic responsibility. Not washing their dishes after the use them, not feeding the dog or cat, not taking their garbages out or the main one to the curb. Both are over 18 and don't do anything. My mom hasn't been home this past week because one of our family members had a health emergency. She's been taking care of his wife but now has to stay there until he comes back from the hospital. She usually feeds Miche at night since I get home from work late but when she can't the youngest has always been asked and expected to do it. But he never does. It's always "I forgot." I wish I could just forget to feed the cat and not feel a fucking thing, like it's nonchalant. If we ever go on vacation and have to depend on either of them while we're away we're fucking doomed. I already found that out last time I was on vacation. I decided to stay home because I knew I couldn't depend on the middle child if I went to Florida with the family, first day I left the house to go by a friend. I took Izzy out and fed both her and Miche. The next morning I woke up to a very large, mostly dry pee stain in the hardwood of the dinning room. I didn't see it when I got back late but it was large enough that it happened some time between leaving and coming home. My brother didn't bother taking her out.

What is the point of them living here if they don't even do the bare minimum. It stresses me out and it doesn't have to be that way but my mom doesn't want to do anything to change it. She said she wanted them to have jobs by March 1st so they can start helping around here but neither even tried.

#i am sick of them #this is my house too and its never going to feel like it if they keep getting a free ride #it stresses me the fuck out

[noosesurroundsme]

[noosesurroundsme]

unraveling // 3.3.2024

[noosesurroundsme]