nosuchthingasagruffalo

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

S2 Chapter 5

Zaye was reading a PADD in his quarters when he heard his girlfriend ring his chime. Lottie flew in and jumped into his arms "how do I have the most amazing boyfriend, between your contact on the Bridge and Seven's persuasion, Abioye is finally listening to us" she ran her finger up his arm "you are going to get thanked many times tonight".

"My pleasure, my job is to serve" he smiled. "Plus we have those four days at maximum warp, little to do, you and I could get up to some fun". Lottie started unzipping her uniform "I have some ideas to get started with. I'm so glad we met on this ship, obviously not the wider situation, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, we have the same humour, except your jokes are rubbish! ha. I've really ever clicked on this level with anyone. Now" she said between kisses along his jaw "let's start making the most of the travel time - and do the murder mystery again"

"No!" Zaye exclaimed as he playfully hit her with a pillow.

******

The chime to Tuvok's quarters rang, as he bade entry he saw his old friend stide in. "T'Pira has sent some encoded briefings from the Vulcan High Command, they can wait until our meeting in an hour, I just wanted to check in on you my friend, I know it's not just me that's had a hard time recently". Tuvok nodded his head in acknowledgement "my loss is nothing compare to you, yet when I think of finishing his mission there are emotions within me that I struggle to control"

"Anger?"

"What you might experience as fear, the VHC have placed immense trust in me, it is an honour to represent my people in Starfleet. But that will mean nothing if I cannot complete this mission, perhaps the most personally important one in my lifetime. I cannot fail"

"We won't, if there's anyone I would trust with something this important it's you Tuvok". As she finished speaking Kathryn noticed the tiniest waver of an upper lip before it slid back in place.

*******

The door to Abioye's ready room slid open as the Commander walked in. "Warp Drive is at maximum efficiency, we have not been hailed or intercepted by any other ships, nothing else to report Sir."

"At ease Seven, I can see that for myself, you don't need to try to come into my office to, as they say 'snoop". Seven flushed and started to stutter, Abioye let out a loud laugh "for someone who has a good poker face I find you very easy to read. You don't think you can trust me, that I'm following orders from a higher power, but maybe it's you I shouldn't trust?"

"The Borg don't lie" Seven retorted

"Ah but you are not a Borg, and haven't been for over two decades, you are a woman who plays things close to your chest I think. So tell me, what does Annika have planned for when we're off this ship?"

"I had a girlfriend, a Betazoid, which I'm not missing the irony of. We had something special but I messed up, shut down my emotions, maybe I'm still too much Borg after all"

"I don't think that's right" Abioye smiled "maybe you need to worry less about who to trust and take a risk, take a chance on her if you can, maybe even on me". Seven flushed, Abioye was trying to wrong foot her, make her reveal something she didn't want to, but she felt very exposed, seen in a way that was very uncommon for her. Feeling that Abioye was quickly gaining the upper hand she mumbled her excuses and exited.

*******

Eighteen months previously....

T'Pira sat in her office at Star Fleet Command, she studied the shelf above the door, the tiny sculptures were misaligned and he would need a stepping stool to move them, or she considered, if she climbed a few shelves up the bookcase, she should be able to reach and counterbalance without falling. Before she had the chance to risk a trip to the medical centre she heard a chime, noting her next meeting attendee was three full minutes late. "Enter"

Amal beamed as he bounded in and threw T'pira an enthusiastic salute. "Captain, thank you for meeting with me".

"Anytime Cadet. You will be aware that I am speaking to you today not only as a Admiral of Starfleet, but also representing the VHC. It is surprising that Starfleet have recommended a Cadet for an elite task force, especially one who seems to quarrel with his professors so frequently, this is highly irregular behaviour in my opinion. However, here you are, for some reason you seem to offer the skills that are required for this task force and so all that remains for me to do is ask if you will be joining and begin the onboarding process."

Amal had been counselled by his mother over the years to separate the personal and professional relationships that his family and the Starfleet brass were entangled in so he fought his better urges and nodded his assent. He shared T'Pira's confusion too, he had assumed that his professors only put up with him because of his surname. He pushed back at them, questioned, missed end of term tests when he had arranged himself unofficial internships with some of the more devil may care Admirals and generally saw himself as a bit of a rebel. So being recruited to anew special forces unit had been a welcome surprise. He would have to attend classes still as he needed to graduate to receive an official rank, but from now on he felt he could make a difference in the Federation, not just as part of a ship's crew but in a personal, on the ground way. He felt invigorated.

****

Present day

Chakotay had gone to the Indiana house. Amal's room had been renovated over the years but still had keepsakes from his childhood, Chakotay smiled as he found a programme from a concert he had taken Amal and Cillian to a few years prior. As he opened it three tickets fell onto the floor along with the wristbands the boys had worn for weeks after. He wanted to smile at the memory but all he felt was anger burning inside him. He grabbed the wristbands and an idea struck him. He ran down to the dining room and searched the large Welsh dresser for the item, there it was, her favourite coffee cup, it had lasted seven years, only to break as it fell against her computer in their final journey through the wormhole into the Alpha Quadrant, She had it restored of course but he was sure he could see the line where it had broken. He put the wrist band in it and closed his eyes "I know you can hear me, I know you might not want to but I need you....please".

"I'm not a genie you know. You don't just rub an antiquated light source and I appear, there are proper channels..."

"Q I need to talk to you. I know you can fix this, please, you're my last hope".

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

only Kate Mulgrew would have the balls/ovaries to want to tell the writers this from her rather precarious position of newly appointed stand in!

Everyone always talks about the hubris of male writers giving their hero protagonists names that share their initials but Kate Mulgrew was a last minute recast and she showed up on set of a show that was already in production and was like ‘rename the protagonist ‘Kathryn’’. Your fav could never

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

#manofthepeople is quite a funny little sitcom but some of it is reeeeeally outdated. Kate is very funny as a corrupt mayor and one episode actually features John de Lancie (Kate is not in this one).

#kate mulgrew #james garner #man of the people

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

making my way through Kate Mulgrew's back catalogue. This is from Hotel in the mid 80s, the series seems quite cheesy but there's 5 seasons of it. It features Barbra Streisand's husband and Kate wears her Gibson girl hair do which seems mandatory at this point....

#katemulgrew #jamesbrolin #hedidntfatherphoebebuffayschild

#kate mulgrew #james brolin

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

S2 chapter 5

Amal was sweating, temperature controls were offline, life support was dwindling, they were a skeleton crew and were being closely pursued by the enemy. "Janeway, there's a planet 5 lightyears off the port bow, I think we might be able to hide there" said Captain Chen, Amal plotted the course. Normally he wouldn't pilot anything larger than a shuttle but the ship had taken heavy casualties and they were barely able to function, as he hurtled toward the rocky planet the shields began to completely fail. The Captain called to the Vulcan at Ops "You'll need to do an emergency beam out for all of us as we enter the atmosphere, with shields down the Lohengrin won't make it through the outer ligarium gas ring", the Lieutenant nodded as Chen called to Amal "Crewman, as fast as you can directly to the equator, it will buy us an extra second at least". Amal swallowed as he watched the grey rock get larger and closer as he felt the familiar tingle of the transporter beam.

On the surface the cold and thin air hit him immediately, he looked up as he watched the Lohengrin explode in the ligarium rings. They had nothing but the phaser that the Vulcan lieutenant had clipped in her belt. Chen looked around her "Menhak you're with me, Janeway go with Flores". Amal and the acting Chief Engineer headed towards the tunnels, hoping that someone would come looking for them and they would be able to hide for long enough.

Amal had been moving through the cave system for less than an hour when he head weapons charge, phasers ricocheted off the walls and hit both him and Flores. "Run" shouted the man as pushed Amal into a recess and headed in the other direction. The men following them didn't see Amal, he tried to head further in the system, all the time the blood pouring from his left side.

***************

Kathryn sat in her quarters searching for the spare brush she had packed. As she fumbled in her bag her fingers brushed the objects from Chakotay's medicine bundle he had given her long ago. She sighed, Lottie hadn't acted how she hoped she would. She wasn't searching for justice or truth seeking but mostly on cosying up with a boyfriend and buddying up with Seven, not at all as driven as Kathryn had been as a child. Had she failed as a mother? Children were supposed to be a better version of yourself, Kathryn wondered who this girl was turning into. Suddenly she felt the urge to call her spirit guide, it felt slightly wrong somehow, gaining comfort from something that had united her with Chakotay now they were no longer together. She steeled herself and closed her eyes.

She wasn't in the jungle or beach where she usually found herself, she wasn't even at the river or forest she occasionally visited. She knew where she was, the recognised the smell, the cramped tunnels she was back with Amal. But he wasn't there, only a feathered beast with a broken wing "who are you?" she asked "I cannot reveal my true self" it spoke in her mind "you'll be destroyed, you must leave me, you have to go to the Federation President's summit in four days, there will be death and the attackers will be the ones holding the power at the end" Janeway caught her breath "but that doesn't leave us enough time, how do you know? Are you Ama.." with a start she woke from the vision and hurried to Tuvok's quarters.

*******

Lottie returned from her video call with her mother and Captain Tuvok, entering her quarters in a daze, how were she and Seven going to convince Abioye to follow this plan? She was only an Ensign and Abioye was still suspicious of Seven. Once the Vulcan High Command were in contact range they could order him but they would need to get him to turn around before then. She looked up and saw her boyfriend Zaye sitting on her bed. She loved seeing him at the end of a long shift, he made her feel so relieved to see him now. He brought her strength and peace in a way she always thought her father had to her mother, she pushed that thought aside and gave him a deep kiss. "Lottie what's wrong" the Bajoran asked. "Oh Zaye, I don't know how much I can tell you but we need to turn this ship around. Everything that my brother was working towards is on the line, but the Captain is suspicious of us, we laid our cards on the table too soon" she wept. Zaye thought for a minute "I have the ear of the chief of security, how much can you tell me? I can try and get the message through him? It's worth a try". Lottie smiled up at him "just when I think I'm alone and everything is hopeless you save me" Zaye kissed her "what did I tell you? you're never alone"

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

S2 Chapter 4

The Essex had spent many weeks in deep space gathering and analysing readings, Seven and Charlotte had found time to piece together the encrypted messages but without being able to see the whole picture. Seven had become increasingly frustrated that her time away from the Collective had dulled her Borg advantage, whilst her intellect, strength and stamina still put her in he top 3% of humans, she was starting to feel confusion, self doubt and fear of the unknown.

Lottie pressed the bell to holodeck three. "Sorry Commander, I don't meant to pry but people are hearing strange noises from here", she surveyed the room, the broken bar stools, the holo characters cowering in the corner and the pint glasses smashed on the bar. "Auntie Sev? Are you ok?"

"It's fucking rings" Seven roared as she threw a ring and missed "I am Borg, why is this 19th Century photonic Irishman better than me?". Lottie glanced in the corner to see a character she faintly recognised as Mickey or Mike looking terrified.

"Computer end programme" Lottie called as the pub disappeared. She went to the woman who had collapsed onto a stool "Auntie, you don't have to fix this alone, don't do this to yourself. Maybe we need to take a step back for a day or two, rest, you've lost your Borg advantage but don't forget your human advantage - gut feeling, the hunch that tells you who's friend or foe, I think we should leave the encryptions for a couple of days and look at it from a different perspective in a week. Does that sound ok?"

Seven smiled and nodded "I'm sorry, I just can't handle the frustration, the boredom, I keep thinking it all over and over" she looked at the "sorry, I've eaten into your time, I'm so stupid, you probably booked it for you and Zaye too, I'm so sorry". Lottie wrapped an arm around her shoulder "don't worry about it, he's actually got some studying to do anyway, he's determined to beat me to Lieutenant, misguided fool haha. But I do think you should get an early night, especially as I've intercepted some news of a visitor we are expecting in a few days. Apparently Abioye has a meeting with a certain puppy loving Admiral and her Vulcan confidante." Seven turned her head "just please don't tell her about Fairhaven".

**********

Admiral Janeway materialised on the transporter pad. "Admiral Janeway, pleased to meet you, I've heard a lot about you" Abioye smiled. "And I have heard much about you too" Kathryn smirked back, "Captain Tuvok and I have been looking forward to meeting with you for a while now". "Then please follow me and we will proceed to my ready room" Abioye was feeling increasingly uncomfortable, he glanced at his second in command who seemed to be more interested in checking the transporter report than the guests on the pad, rather odd he thought to himself considering how well they knew one another, maybe that had fallen out. They headed for the ready room at which point Abioye sent Seven to the bridge and showed his guests inside.

"Captain" Janeway began "it has come to the attention of myself and the Vulcan High Command that there are men and women inside Starfleet seeking to gain control not only of the organisation but the Federation, for their own personal and financial gain. The Vulcan High Command and individuals within the admiralty commissioned a tactical group to find and flush out these individuals. But they had apparently underestimated the scale of the infiltration, the tactical group are all now dead, including my son, so I'm going to ask you, very quietly and very calmly why you have been facilitating these traitors."

Tuvok watched the other Captain's face, from his conversations with Charlotte and Seven they were sure that Abioye was one of the less powerful but ideally situated men in the shadowy group they had unearthed, but looking at his ashen face, the colour draining from his cheeks, Tuvok felt an unwelcome sense of uncertainty. He tried to push it to the back of his mind as he felt an overwhelming sense of self doubt set in. "Admiral" Abioye spluttered "I can assure you I know nothing of this" He stepped back as Janeway looked ready to erupt "I have had orders, confidential data to store, but I haven't decoded anything. You know how it works, only given pieces of information, surely you know this as a member of the very Admiralty you distrust?" . Janeway looked taken aback, she swiftly ended the meeting and marched out, as Tuvok followed her he stepped into an alcove in the corridor "were we right?" whispered the figure standing in the partially open doorway "I am puzzled, it seems he does not know anything, and if he is involved it seems involuntarily, regrettably Seven, I am still unclear as to whether we can trust him" Tuvok turned away from Seven glancing back to her as he prepared to leave "the more we uncover, the more complicated this seems, most illogical, a being more volatile than you or I would find it infuriating".

*******

"So I wanted to try this new holonovel tonight. It's a murder mystery but it's set in 2301 so we can wear those funny triangle hats" Lottie laughed. "I don't know" Zaye replied "couldn't we do a sports game, I don't really think I like murder mysteries. Or if you want to get sweaty another way I can customise my own programme...maybe something from Risa" he looked at the lopsided grin facing him "after my love, definitely. But this programme looks so fun, it's got that Klingon character with the Belgian accent, god what's his name?" Zaye rolled his eyes "that sounds as fun as... your mom joining us right now" he stood up as the Admiral walked across the mess hall and bolted trying not to make eye contact.

Kathryn slid into the empty seat "I'm glad I can scare off ensigns with my mere presence" she chuckled "who was he anyway?". Lottie looked at her "a boy, obviously". "Okay" replied Kathryn "just business then, I don't know who Abioye is loyal to but I don't think he's a major player. Can we trust him? Maybe, he might lead us to the the men and women at the top. If I can give the Vulcan High Command a list of names to arrest, if we can stop Starfleet from eating itself from inside out, Amal's mission is complete. It will have meant something" Kathryn sighed. Lottie leaned in closer and lowered her voice "Seven and I can keep an eye on Abioye, and if Voyager is following a similar course to the Essex we can send encrypted comms." her mother smiled across to her "very good, I'll head back to our ship later but I'll be sure to say goodbye". Lottie frowned at her "that's all you have to say? No 'oh by the way your Dad and I are getting divorced'?"

"Ah, so your father did manage to get his message through"

"Yes he did, you know who else could have sent that message - you! We've been in contact for weeks, why didn't you tell me yourself? Were you just waiting for us kids to leave home? Was it all a lie? Did you pretend you were both happy?"

Kathryn tried to keep her voice even and low to avoid attracting attention in the public space "I'm sorry, I didn't want to mix personal and professional feelings. I don't know where I stand with your father, I can't think about that now"

Lottie fought hard against the tears threatening to spill "not even a Vulcan would be so stupid as to shut down their feelings like you do, you're not compromising the mission by having emotions you know. You know where my quarters are, when you want to talk about this you can. That was Zaye by the way, he's the Bajoran guy I told you about, that I've been seeing for a few weeks now. Not that you would remember him because he's not a part of your grand plan" she looked up at her mother who had a far off look on her face "I'm not repeating myself again so if you want any further details you'll have to hope Dad is actually willing to speak to you".

***** Unaltered endgame timeline 7 years into the journey home****

"Kathryn that other ship was not going to be able to get through our shields, you blew three decks out of theirs, you didn't need to retaliate half as hard as you did" Chakotay roared as he stormed into his quarters. "it's my job to stop you going to far but you need to LISTEN to me", Kathryn swang round "they posed a threat to us, and it's not just you and me on board, Miral, Naomi, Ensign Morgan and her baby, surely you should care about them?". Chakotay stopped "Kathryn, you're compromised. I miss her too, I can't stop thinking about Charlotte every second of the day, but if I have to I'll have the Doctor remove you from command, you can't go blowing everyone else up to try and right a wrong".

Kathryn had sunk to the floor but at Chakotay's words brought herself back to her full height "this was a mistake staying here with you, I need to move back into my quarters sometime, tonight's the night". Chakotay sighed "I thought we agreed that you would take the newly constructed Captain's quarters, it would be a REALLY bad idea for you to go back to where it all happened".

Kathryn walked across the room and stood nose to nose with Chakotay "Do you know what, you're damned right I'm going to stand up to every hostile alien, if we had been on a higher alert our daughter wouldn't have been killed in the attack last month, in my own quarters no less. I'm not moving into the new ones, I can feel her there still in her home, so that's where I will stay and you can do whatever the fuck you want. You tried to make us work out of guilt, well now you're free of that."

Chakotay walked forwards, not caring that he was backing her against the wall "and shame too - is that what you've told yourself? you didn't tell me you were even pregnant until you were bursting out of your uniform, how do you think that made me look in front of the crew, like I'd knocked you up and moved onto Annika immediately? I told you I loved you so many times over the last 7 years, I finally move on and you pull me back in, only you won't let me love you and you deny my love for our daughter". Normally an argument like this would have preceded vigorous make-up sex but all Chakotay could muster was to shuffle sadly towards the bedroom, sitting on the chaise lounge and looking out to the stars where his daughter would be watching them.

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

I've found #captainnukeandthebomberboys aka #demolitionday online featuring the hilarious #katemulgrew . I think this was filmed a shortly before she started Voyager. #martinsheen is also very good

#kate mulgrew

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

I haven't seen Kate in this dress before, she looks beautiful

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

S2 Chapter 3

Charlotte kicked off her boots and flopped onto her bed. She was finding this assignment made her feel more weary as the weeks went on. The more she thought of her brother the harder she worked, she took extra shifts and brought her work to her quarters, but now she was starting to feel her brain fog, every day rolled into the next and she stayed away from crew drinks and group holo parties. She heard a beep at her door and pulled on her boots, expecting her managing Lieutenant she stood to attention. As the door open she froze.

"Instinct is driven by subconscious micro calculations. The brain making sense of fragmented observations. Instinct tells me I should leave you here, not involve you. To take you from here will compromise the safety of us both, there are other parties who are involved who will be displeased by this action."

"So why are you here" Lottie responded.

"Because I need someone whom I trust. Because I need someone who is willing to open the Pandora's box and face the consequences with me. Because there's no other officer who has your tenacity, strength of character or quest for justness" An eyebrow lifted "Well there is, but when she finds out what I'm doing, who I'm watching, she will have me scrubbing the nacelles for the next three decades"

Lottie smiled "well seeing as I'm her daughter she will up my sentence to four decades, just so you know. Seriously though, if you're doing this for us, for Amal, you really don't need to become entangled in this messy shit that is our family's cause and curse,"

Seven frowned "your family, sorry, I hadn't thought, I , oh"

Lottie didn't often see the ex-Borg stutter or lost for words, she took a step closer "Seven, Commander, I'm sorry, I didn't mean you aren't our family, of course you are, you're a big sister to me, you know you're an integral part. It's just, I don't want to drag you down, we and especially mom have had such a big impact on your life that hasn't always been for the best, I'd feel guilty if you threw away the chance of a happy life to be part of our spiral into darkness"

Seven put her arm around Lottie "if there's one thing I have learned about human relationships and families. It's that they are dysfunctional, chaotic and perfection, in their own way. Messy shit as you so eloquently put it. If you want to leave with me you can. You'll re-join Abioye's ship, you will be in engineering, I don't want you too visible, you will quietly observe, we will meet off duty and off the record".

"You know I'm not going to say no, I need to message Niamh though as she's due to visit me in two weeks"

"No need, I spoke to her before I left in anticipation of your acceptance"

Lottie's mouth hung open as she watched the woman before her turn away to hide her smirk "One day you'll be wrong about me, but not today I suppose".

*********

The Janeway apartment - San Francisco

Kathryn opened the box, inside was Amal's baby booties, a mother's day card, a badly painted Flotter picture. She heard a noise and looked up.

"Hello dear wife, fancy seeing you here"

"Chakotay, I'm sorry I've been away so long, I've got so much to tell you. I wanted to see the kids too, I didn't realise Lottie was going to be gone so long. I wanted to see them all before I set back off again. Chakotay, I don't know what I should and should not tell you.."

"I don't want to hear anything Kathryn, it's over don't you understand. You can't bring him back, you can't chase his ghost. You need to focus on those of us still here"

"Chakotay, I can't do that, just listen if we can make his death mean something we co..."

"No Kathryn, this ends here. Nothing good will come of this. For your family you need to let it go, stay here, do you even care what I, what we all think?"

"It's not that" Kathryn could feel her voice raising "to ask me to let it go, do you understand me at all? Did you ever understand me?"

"Did you ever care? Really? As in see anything from my perspective? Not even work, just what I might think, I know you love me but I don't think you respect me as someone equal to you. I can't just wait around wondering what you'll do next. If you can't stay here, if your need to be the hero outweighs all else, well it's best for you to stay at our Indiana place for a while, on the off chance you're on Earth anytime soon."

Kathryn expected to feel white hot rage, to wish she had an airlock to throw her husband out of, but instead she felt ice coldness towards him, he was letting her down, he was holding her back. "Well, I guess it ends here. I'll call the kids" she tucked the box under her arm and walked to the door before the tears that had unexpectedly started to sting the back of her eyes threatened to fall.

*** USS Voyager

Captain Tuvok raised an eyebrow as he lifted the cup of tea to his lips. "Admiral, I see you have updated your emergency contact to one Phoebe Janeway"

"I knew you would have done your due diligence Captain, I trust you have updated on all the systems"

"Indeed Admiral, is this something you would like to discuss with me? As a friend, off record"

"No Tuvok, I don't even know what to think myself anymore. There will be a time, but for now I've got bigger things to worry about. I've had further reports of Amal being in some sort of assignment, I don't know who for. But it seems someone recruited him out of the Academy nearly a year ago. Who they were working for I don't yet know. I need to investigate further but I need a mission to cover my investigations, so I thought I'd rejoin you. Seems like you have an assignment I can tag along on that will seem like I'm nicely out of the way?"

"Very well. However knowing the former Commander and yourself as I do, being separated from T'Pel, unsure of the status of my marriage may I offer.."

"Tuvok"

The Vulcan composed himself "Apologies, yes the planet, it's home to microscopic life. First contact will likely never meet the regulations of the Prime Directive but Command has identified a strong intelligence. Our mission is to determine of there is any threat posed by these life forms and to take action if so"

"I think that's just the sort of challenge to distract me" smiled the Admiral.

****

Lottie sat with the junior officers at the mess of the Essex. Seven had explained the suspicions she had about her Captain and Lottie suggested the best way to get more information was to target anyone in the know when their inhibitions were lowered. "So Commander Never Chat On Duty is your godmother then? Gee I'd hate my private life being in the tabloids from the day I was born". Lottie grimaced, these days the press left her family alone but when Voyager returned from the Delta Quadrant, the Captain pregnant with the father being eventually revealed as her second in Command, the rumours and headlines had taken a few years to abate.

"Yes but I haven't really spent much time with her over the years, she was MIA with the Rangers for a bit, I suppose didn't want to slot into our family the way my mother had hoped. I'm not here to spend time with her. I wanted to serve under Abioye, he has a distinguished record in active service. I've heard of some of the battles he served in, he's a hero."

The Lieutenant laughed "yeah I suppose. A great soldier, a leader? I don't know, he's a yes man. He follows orders to a tee, he's ok I guess. What you'd call a company man, he'll give you chances to try new things though. You like trying new things? I can show you a thing or two"

Lottie swallowed her grimace and tried her best coy smile "maybe another time".

****

Back in Seven's quarters Seven was pacing "What a pig, thinking you're an Ensign who wants to please the seniors, I'm going to put him on the Gamma shift back to back for a month" fury burning her face.

"Auntie, really it's fine, I learned how to deal with those losers my first day in the Academy. Besides if they actually got me back to his it would be me teaching them a thing or ... sorry sorry, that's a joke. It was useful "data" to gather. Plus watch this. Some friends and I on DS5 were working on undetectable espionage, an unofficial assignment from our Chief Engineer. You know we couldn't crack the secondary code before? Well, it turns out the first step is based on musical arpeggios, the rest followed from there and of course I was in and out before I could be detected." Lottie looked out of the window "what side are you on Captain"

"I knew you'd make a fine officer. Send me the files and I'll look over them. We need to know if we can trust him or not" Seven said

"The decoded information didn't make much sense to me, do you think you can make sense of it?"

"Twenty years ago it would be simpler than beating Harry Kim at Kal Toh, but as you know the longer I've been away from the Borg the more my humanity has developed, I've lost some of the advantages my Borg upbringing afforded me."

"So now you can tell when Mom's hustling on the pool table but aren't good enough to be her team mate?"

"Oh Lottie" Seven smiled "If there's one thing Kathryn's taught me, it's how to be s shark at the pool table".

****

Kathryn and Tuvok stood on the planet's surface. At first look it seemed green and peaceful, flowers bobbed in the wind and leafy trees with boughs weighted down with summer fruit. Kathryn detected the microscopic life forms on her tricorders, they felt short electric shocks. "Are they trying to communicate?" Kathryn wondered.

"It would seem so" Tuvok responded, "They are making these shocks at will, the larger numbers they congregate in the stronger the shock. Maybe if we lay our weapons on the floor it will show we mean no harm".

Kathryn nodded and placed her phaser on the floor and was stunned to see a force field appear around it. Suddenly the shocks were increasing and she fell to the floor, she felt Tuvok help her up and they stumbled towards the shuttle. A shock to Tuvok's head and he was disorientated, Kathryn pulling his weight over her back as she opened the door and pulled them inside. At the controls Kathryn found every time she touched them they short circuited. She could only get the shuttle a few feet off the floor before it fell down again. She leaned under the console and pushed two of the buttons at the same time, the shuttle shot up and they sped towards Voyager. As the shuttle entered the larger ship, energy beams from the surface knocking Voyager's shields to less than 50%. Kathryn raced onto the bridge "Ensign Hussein what are you waiting for, get us out of here" she roared.

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

Chapter 2

Incoming message from DS5. From Charlotte Janeway. To Niamh Janeway.

TEXT ONLY NO MEDIA FILE: Hi Niamh, I tried to call you earlier but you were out, how are you this week sweetie? I think deferring until next year is a good idea, going back to the same class without Amal will be too awful, next year it will be a new group and a fresh start. Have you applied for local jobs yet? I think you should have something to keep you going.

Work fine, not much time off to think which is good. Haven't really got chatting to anyone, feels a bit weird explaining things, roommate ok, Bolian so.. yeah ok. BTW guess who came in on the Klingon delegate ship? Bloody Miral Paris, and of course she had to offer me her condolences, and then look at my work and point out everything she thought was wrong with it, which gave her obvious glee, she's such a bitch. I know, I shouldn't let her get to me. Can you come and visit sometime? Seven comes by when she's in the area but she still won't let me on the Essex. I just need something more, I hate feeling so powerless, I'm just drifting....

Reply from EARTH. From Niamh Janeway. To Charlotte Janeway.

MEDIA - Daffodil and Cat

TEXT: I found this pic and thought of you ha! Yeah I'm ok, I've got a job in a coffee shop, it's nice to feel a bit anonymous, people keep asking me if I had a psychic connection with Amal, if I knew what happened. Which is crap because first - who believes that shit and second and I that crap at being a twin that the one thing I'm supposed to do I can't? Anyway Dad's been really good, we've been spending time together, which is good because Mom's kind of MIA . The Miral thing's not a big deal, don't give her the headspace. Yes I can visit - let me know when you're free?

Incoming message from IKS Kuyhala. From Miral Paris. To Thomas Paris.

TEXT ONLY NO MEDIA FILE - Hi Dad, hope you had a good weekend, did Mom like her anniversary present? You got the gold like I said right? This week's been ok, we stopped by DS9 for a few days, ran into Lottie J, she's honestly the most self important person I've ever met. Seriously she just steam rolls her way over everyone, can't wait to tell you how clever she is. Can you imagine if we had grown up together on Voyager in the Delta? The number one reason I'm glad we got home! Anyway I gave her my condolences, so awful what happened with her brother, irrespective of how obnoxious she is. Do they know what happened?

Reply from EARTH. From Thomas Paris. To Miral Paris.

AUDIO FILE "Hi honey, yes of course I got the gold! She loved it which is lucky for me haha. She actually wrote me some new codes for my next holonovel -she knows me well your mother! Just keep away from LJ when you can, it's just a personality clash, I know how close our families are probably hasn't helped with that. She's ok, it's a lot to deal with, having Kathryn Janeway as your mom, I know exactly how she feels, I was much worse as I'm sure Grandpa will be happy to explain. No it's not really clear what happened, I would stay away from anything you hear about that if I were you. Hope to see you soon honey, I'm seeing Uncle Chakotay at the weekend, I'll give him your love. Call me when you can."

****

Aboard the Essex

"Red Alert, all hands on deck" the ship shook from another hit "shields to 40%" called the Lieutenant. Seven looked around her for the Captain but though the smoke could barely make out the unconscious bodies on the floor. The ship that attacked them seemed to be smuggling stolen weapons and technology. The Ferengi captain had incorrectly assumed the Essex had come to apprehend them and had opened fire, using phasers calibrated in a way Seven hadn't seen before. "re-route power to the shield modulator" Seven called, she stumbled over to the Captain's ready room and forced the door. Abioye was slumped over his desk, breathing but unconscious. Seven opened his desk drawer to see if he had a first aid kit, she noticed his laptop was open, he seemed to have been reincrypting messages. They had all been sent but the receiving co-ordinates made no sense. Abioye groaned and Seven found a first aid hypo. The sirens stopped and the Lt Commander announced the enemy ship had been tractored. "Captain, I suggest you go to the doctor, before resuming your work. I assume it was not so pressing you can leave it for a minute? I'll close the laptop now"

"it's fine" Abioye growled as he raced to close it first. "it's just messages from Command I need to forwrd, not mission related"

"So it seems" Seven lifted an eyebrow.

****

24 years earlier....

Captain Janeway answered the chime to her quarters. "Captain I must speak with you" Seven burst in "I must apologise for today's events. I would never have suspected you of helping the Cardassians, intentionally stranding Voyager had I been performing at my optimal...my apologies, you are in your undergarments". Kathryn raised a hand "Seven, first - it's just my nightie, and more importantly - you don't need to apologise, you were tired and overwhelmed, now you're better. After all, I was completely in charge of my faculties and I believed you without question. It's me who made an error, please don't worry".

"Yes it is surprising that you didn't doubt my claims, I thought you and the Commander would have suspected me instead of each other"

"well, it's .. complicated. We've learned our lesson I can assure you, and if you're wondering I still do trust you, unendingly, maybe more so after today. Now please get some rest, you'll need it after what you've been through"

"Very well" Seven said, leaving without waiting to be dismissed. Then the door chimed again

"Honestly Seven, I'll take you off your shift tomorrow if you don't rest" Kathryn said as she opened the door to be met face to face with a very sheepish Chakotay.

"I see you've had a visitor too" he said "I feel so bad about what happened. I did, do, trust you with my life. My reaction surprised me"

"After everything that's happened you still harbour some resentment don't you?" Kathryn whispered looking into his eyes

"Maybe it's more because of everything that has happened. But do you trust me? I am in charge of your safety after all" he retorted.

"I really do" she whispered as he ran his hand over her hip. "Chakotay, we shouldn't do this, where is it getting us?" he replied "do you trust me" she looked into his eyes as his hands undid her dressing gown and pushed the straps from her nightie. "With my life" she whispered as he pushed her to the bedroom. Once inside he roughly pushed her against the wall and knelt between her legs, pulled her underwear down, hooking one leg over her shoulder and licking her fast and hard until she felt herself close to the edge. With one movement her span her round to face the mirror on her dressing table and entered her from behind, one hand gripping her neck. "I could break your neck in one second Captain, today you believed I was working against you and yet here you are offering me my chance. Do you know how messed up that is? Do you know I understand the thrill you get from walking up to the precipice? One day you'll make me snap you know" he whispered as he plunged in and out of her, Kathryn felt the thrill of possible death building up inside her as he gave her throat one final squeeze before he released her. She came crying and yelling his name, when she felt herself coming down she span to face him and kiss him deeply. "I love you, I love you I love you" she wept. A tear rolled down Chakotay's cheek as he whispered "always and forever" before he zipped himself up and left before he asked more of her than she could give. Kathryn sank to the bed and fell into a slumber.

*****

Present day

The restaurant was crowded, the Ferengi Maître D' tutted as he looked over his list of reservations. "Paris, Paris, sorry I've got a Partridge or a P'tak" he smirked as he looked at Chakotay. Chakotay sighed, rolled his eyes and pressed the latinum coin into the Ferengi's hand "ah Thomas Paris, how could I have missed it, here this way". Chakotay huffed as he slid into the booth and sipped the whisky Tom proffered him. "Seriously Tom, I don't know why you get a thrill out of being fleeced." The man opposite him smiled, his hair had greyed over the years but his eyes hadn't lost their mischievous twinkle. "It's the authentic experience, c'mon it's a bit of excitement. Plus B'Elanna refuses to come with me, apparently retro diners were as far as she was willing to push it. Surely you've had enough of the stuffy fine dining Starfleet pushes on its Admirals, I reckon Kathryn would secretly like it here".

"I don't know what Kathryn would like anymore to be honest. She's freezing me out and starting down a path I don't know I can follow. She needs a crusade, I don't think I really understood that in the Delta, all that time I thought she would be different when we got home. Then we had the kids so quickly we were focused on that and as they got older I thought there would be time to spend together. But she was back at work acting like she's Commander in Chief, and now she's chasing Amal's ghost. I was always waiting to get to know the relaxed off duty Kathryn, and now I feel like she doesn't exist".

"I'm sorry Chakotay, I really am. She does love you, in her own way. I worried about that too with B'Elel, after living on edge all those years would we still have the connection in the ordinary life in the Alpha".

"But you did Tom" Chakotay cracked a smile "I'm really happy for B'Elel, that she's found a peaceful existence with you. Peaceful isn't really a word I thought I would use about her but it's very accurate."

"It is, wish I could use the same about our daughters though" Tom groaned.

"Oh yes I heard it all from Niamh" Chakotay chuckled "two headstrong women, well three if you count Niamh although I think she's mostly siding with Lottie. I seem to remember our wives having a similar clash that was only resolved after a broken nose".

"The next one will be either yours or mine, drink your whisky - it will numb the pain you never know when a fist will fly with those two" Tom laughed.

*****

Somewhere in deep space

The Away Team beamed down to the surface. Their scanners had sent back scrambled responses, many life signs yet none, vast cities yet nothing to be seen. Kathryn looked around her at the desolate landscape. Her Tricorder too seemed to bounce off of something invisible, she wondered if it was artificial or maybe to do with the magnetic polarisation of the planet. She walked around the crater they had materialised in, searching behind the rocky outcrops until she notice an odd shaped hole in the wall. "Team, over here, it looks like an entrance", she paced closer to it. Upon inspection it was some sort of entrance, she waved her tricorder into the mouth of the opening only to hit a force field. "ouch! Well I guess we have found the mystery city, now how to we get in" she mused. She called but found no response, she wondered if she could reconfigure the wavelengths of the greeting message, with a few taps she saw her message pass through the field. "Well now we wait" she whispered.

A short while later the Away Team heard some noises from the tunnel, out came a group of women with large eyes, seemingly accustomed to seeing in the dark. They eyed her suspiciously "what have you come back for?" their leader asked.

Against Tuvok's advice Kathryn found herself and her team around a conference table deep in the labyrinth. The aliens didn't seem to be hostile but seemed wary of them. "our planets are spread across the sector, the tunnels are formed when a planet gets too close to the magnetic field of the unstable star. Inhospitable to you but our race finds them ideal. The aliens like you, the other visitors, kept getting lost, even with our maps".

"When were they here" Kathryn breathed.

"Let me calculate so I can use your terminology, hmm about two months" the leader, Spontk stated.

Kathryn took hold of a nearby Padd and selected 'Draw' Mode. "Did any of them have a marking on their face, like this?" she asked as she drew the familiar pattern, one she had traced with her finger many times.

"Yes" Spontk affirmed. "They didn't have anything to trade but were gathering information. They seemed to be a task force gathering information, but not about us, about their own kind. Apparently they did not trust those in charge".

"Amal" Kathryn whispered "what did you do?"

Flashback - two months prior

The air in the caves was thin. Or was it his lungs tightening? Amal laid down to rest, shadows danced on the walls of the tunnel from his torch. The flicker of the shadows looked like wings, Amal smiled as he remembered a story his mother had told him. From a German folk tale about a knight who travelled by boat to help a princess in distress. He had looked up a picture of the famous castle where it was set, another thing he would visit when he got home. Home, his mother would find him. She often told him a Captain never abandons a member of her crew. And she had led their little crew of six unwaveringly through life so far. Yes just a few more minutes before she came, he would just rest a little whilst he waited, he closed his eyes and felt the swaying of the boat beneath him as the beast in front pulled him through the rivers of the Alps.

#star trek voyager #kathryn janeway #chakotay #seven of nine #tom paris

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

S2 ep 2

On Voyager the Doctor tried for hours to revive Amal. Finally he turned to his parents to offer a shake of his head, Chakotay rushed over to his son, Kathryn turned and marched out of sickbay. Lottie received the doctor's comm in her quarters and fell into the arms of her god-mother. In his ready room Tuvok allowed a silent tear to fall onto the Padd in front of him.

Chakotay stayed with his son, embracing and kissing him. Reading him the last rites of his ancestors and offering his rudimentary knowledge of Catholic rites, the beliefs of his son's maternal ancestors. Eventually he found the strength to leave, to find his wife who was in their quarters staring into the starlight. "It's followed me Chakotay. The darkness, I thought we had left that back in the Delta Quadrant but it was always there ready to strike. What have I done? This is my penance for everyone I hurt, every mistake I made, when I stared it in the face I wasn't fighting it, I was letting it consume me"

Chakotay didn't have the energy for Kathryn's particular brand of self flagellation and went to find his daughter who was sat on the bed in the guest quarters. Her duffel bag neatly placed on the side, he noticed she had a fresh uniform on. "Captain, I will be returning to the Essex soon, I'll be back on Earth in a few months"

"What the fuck Lottie? Is this what you do too? Hide behind duty? Let your grief eat you up? Is this what your brother would want?"

"Dad, I can't break now, there's something going on here, Seven and I have just scratched the surface. I can't let Amal have perished in vain. He's too good for that, too special, Seven and I can.."

"NO" Chakotay roared "I will not let you and your mother do this to yourselves, we're going home, all FOUR of us" he sobbed.

****

Weeks had slipped by and Charlotte had moved into Starfleet accommodation. The tensions at home was unbearable, Cillian had hidden away at medical school and Niamh spent her days locked in her room. Seven had offered Charlotte support but cautioned her against returning to duty so soon. She stopped by the apartment one evening to let Charlotte know the Essex was due back into deep space. "You have to get me my post back" Charlotte begged "we were on to something. Captain Abioye can't be trusted, they're closing the case on the Lohengrin, no inquest. Death by misadventure. They're burying this Seven and you're the only one who can help me". Seven met her eyes "do you remember the story of my parents Lottie? Their quest ended with their only daughter being assimilated by the Borg. How do you think they would feel if they foresaw that fate, how much they would hate themselves? Your parents have just watched their eldest son destroyed by the quest that drives them. Lottie, somewhere on DS9 or DS11 there's an engineering role for you, you can climb the ranks, study thermo-molecules and give your parents the knowledge at least one of their children is safe. I'm serious, I don't want anymore surprises".

At the Janeway home Kathryn dropped to the sofa in the lounge. "I'm taking an assignment Chakotay, Tuvok will drop to a commander level role and I'll Captain the Voyager. The Vulcans are very interested in investigating best practise in the Federation and have pressed Starfleet to assign us a mission, they aren't saying directly but it must be to do with the Lohengrin. Not deep space so I'll see you when I'm home. I can't sit still anymore, I need to fight and this is my chance" she embraced Chakotay and kissed his neck, sliding her hands over his body. He pulled away, brought her hands to her sides "Aye Sir" he said as he headed toward Lottie's now vacated bedroom.

****

That night Chakotay's vision quest disturbed him greatly, the great bird squaked and flew into the distance "she asked questions to which I cannot give answers." He watched as the flames consumed the forest finally licking the bushes he stood beside.

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

STJ 2

"Admiral" Charlotte's voice was tinged with barely concealed rage "Did you think I would just stay home and wait for you to tell me it's safe to come out? I'm an Ensign in case you hadn't noticed, I was assigned to this ship, this mission, I'm not going home because my mommy told me to".

But Kathryn wasn't looking at Lottie, she was glaring at Seven who was hoping for an emergency beam out to anywhere right now, even a Borg cube would be preferable to this. "And you, is it usual for a Commander to acquiesce to an Ensign's wishes, are you letting her run your ship now?".

"Admiral, with all due respect I think you are forgetting another commanding officer who sought, and failed, to control a woman under her command. Who learned more about her own leadership from this connection, who learned she did not need to tame but instead trust the junior, and was saved many times by this lesson". Ice blue eyes met the stormy blue ones and neither looked away.

"We will discuss this later. For now we will form two parties, Chakotay is with you, Ensign Janeway is with me, Hussein atay with me and Tuvok will accompany Seven. We will have time to brief each other on our *activities* of the recent past."

Lottie gulped, stepped away from the safety of Seven's orbit and followed her mother. The tunnels were dank, unbearably tight in some places and immensely claustrophobic. Chakotay and Seven scanned with their tricorders but struggled to get many readings as their scanning signals bounced off the walls.

"Look Mom, I'm sorry but this isn't something I can stay away from. I'm not just your baby, I'm a Starfleet officer, you can't save everyone on your own". Kathryn sighed and flashed her torch down a small tunnel. Suddenly she saw something on a ledge at a sharp bend in the tunnel. "Admiral, permission to go ahead, I can get onto that ledge more easily" Kathryn nodded. Lottie climbed around corner and scaled the ledge, she stopped in her tracks. The hand that stuck out was one she recognised, one that had pulled her up into the tree in their garden, one that flicked peas at her whilst their mother's back was turned, one that had embraced her when she graduated from the Academy. "Mom! Admiral! He's here" she heard Kathryn shout to the others and make her way towards them. There was barely space on the ledge for Kathryn as well as Lottie tried to find Amal's life signs. There was a weak pulse, it was slowing and growing fainter. "Sweetie" Kathryn wept "I've been looking everywhere for you, Daddy's coming, just hang on, Auntie Seven is here too. We will get you back to the ship, it's going to be ok. You're my little boy, it will all be fine" the tears slid down her face.

Chakotay took Lottie's place searched for signs of life and lifted his eyes to meet his wife, he shook his head. "We need a medical team now" Kathryn roared "they can revive him, how many times have you revived me? We need to get him in transporter range now". Chakotay and Tuvok lifted his son and made the long arduous journey to the mouth of the tunnels.

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

Resolutions chapter 3

25 years later....

Chakotay sipped at his tea as he washed up the three plates. Their son Eddie had inherited his mother's cooking skills and was glad his father had still retained his culinary enthusiasm. He wondered if he and Eddie could go and track the birds as they flew west for their annual migration and rehearsed what he would say to Kathryn to ensure it was a boys' only trip.

He heard a crackling from the cupboard, surely one of their laptops which was reaching the end of its life. As Eddie had grown healthy and strong they hadn't much use for their technology and it had remained gathering dust in a cupboard. As he sat on the porch and scribbled a to do list he saw something he hadn't seen in decades, a strange humanoid walking towards him. He ran inside and grabbed an axe, swinging it around him "who are you, get away this is my land". "Commander?" asked the strange man "Hey it's me, Tom, Commander Tom now actually, boy is it good to see you". Chakotay squinted, trying to recognise the man before him "Tom? Tom Paris? Tom? is that really you?" the man smiled "it sure is. Tuvok got us home after finding a wormhole but he's spent the last two decades perfecting the technology that would get us back to you. B'Elanna was so scared you wouldnt be here anymore, she's going to be so happy. Where's the Captain?"

Chakotay smiled "she's with our son a mile or so away in her favourite glen, probably meditating or listening to the birds that live there. She's very different to when we last saw you, peaceful, happy settled. She plays tennis with Eddie, our son, she charts flora and fauna and tells me about every moment of her day. And our son is just like my father, curious and brave. Come walk with me and I'll fill you in on the last couple of years" he grinned. "I was reluctant to have Eddie at first, I felt I would be responsible if anything went wrong, we had a loss before him you see. But it's worked out so well, he's the light we so badly needed, he's kept us going these last 20 odd years, it was worth the gamble, I'm pleased I let her talk me into it like she does with everything else she wants!'

"I'm so glad to hear it" Tom said, "it's been a rough ride but there's been a group of us dedicated to finding you. You've really beat the odds and I know your sisters will be happy to see you both"

"Chakotay frowned, I don't think Kathryn will want to leave"

"But she's the Captain, she'll want to see her sister, to show your son his home planet and family surely?"

Chakotay became slightly more agitated "I told you she's changed"

"Sorry," Tom murmured, he brightened "I've asked Harry, he's a Commander too would you believe, to search for the Captain's bio signs and meet us there, you won't believe the scrapes he's been in on his new.." but as he continued his com badge chirped "Tom we are about 150m away from you and have found the Captain"

"Brilliant" Tom beamed "I bet she was surprised to see you, I hope you haven't violated your uniform code, she's sure to pull you up on.."

"Tom, is Chakotay with you? There's a problem, we umm have found the Captain but it's not her, I mean she's been buried for a long time by the looks of it, there's also the body of a foetus or small baby with her. Does Chakotay not know this? Maybe you should hold him back, I'm sorry, I know how much it meant for you to find her". Tom looked at Chakotay as he bolted in the direction of Harry.

"Kathryn what are they doing to you?" Chakotay asked as he saw the officers covering something with a blanket "we were happy here, for so long. Why are you spoiling that? She comes here every day, she loves it here, they both love spending the day here, I lay with them and we watch the seasons change. You're outsiders, get away" he aimed a swing at Harry. Suddenly he heard a voice behind him, he knew the voice and recognised him as a medic or a doctor of some sort but couldn't remember his name "I'm sorry Commander" the voice said as he felt the cold metal of a hypo against his neck. He took one last glance at the men, wondering why they had put a blanket over Kathryn when the weather was after all so warm, and saw Eddie in the distance with a worried look on his face, before his world slowly faded to black.

Fin

#Star trek voyager

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

Resolutions Chapter two

Kathryn hadn't slept in a week, she ran computer models and experimented with vaccinations she managed to cobble together in their replicator. Sophia still wasn't getting any better and her breathing had become more and more laboured. Feeling science was failing them he embarked on a vision quest, he couldn't recognise any of the animals he saw and searched in vain for his father. The dreamscape was a lush forest where he would normally easily find his guide but he could only see her shadow flitting behind a rock. If he squinted hard enough he could almost make his brain visualise his mother, begging her what to do but he was never sure if he was really seeing her or if it was his desperate mind playing tricks,

The weeks wore on and Sophia was fading, Kathryn would barely let Chakotay take Sophia alone in case something happened whilst she was in the other room. One day whilst she was trying to nurse the baby in bed she felt her slowly slipping away, she called Chakotay and he came and cradled their daughter as she slowly slipped away.

****

Kathryn and Chakotay hadn't spoken to each other properly in days, in the months that followed their baby's passing Kathryn alternated between feeling numb and crying inconsolably in her now separate bed. Chakotay finished cooking the evening meal and came to see Kathryn, who was looking more upbeat than she had in a long time.

"It's time Chakotay, we need to make another baby, I can't go on without Sophia, we need to try again. I'll be more careful this time, I shouldn't have given her uncooked fruit, I know what to do now" she looked up at him desperately.

"I don't know Kathryn, aside from all the previous reasons - what will the child do once we pass, who will be their company, how will they survive when our rations are gone. I just don't think I can go through all that again, I'm sorry'. Kathryn glared at him and turned over silently as Chakotay crept away.

Over the next few weeks Kathryn felt like she was breaking, without her daughter and Chakotay preventing the possibility of another child she felt angry and aimless, she called Chakotay to her room. "I think I need to move away, try and build a cabin somewhere, I feel like I'm in limbo here, alone with my thoughts. And you nearby, the promise of what could have been, what will never be, this is eating me up". Chakotay sidled into bed with her "it's been hard on me too you know, it's not just your own loss, your own regret. That's not fair to tell me I'll lose you too. I wanted this more than you did at first remember? I'm sorry, I understand if we want to try again I know you don't have many years left. I don't think this is a good idea, I really don't. However deep down I want to try before it's too late, my head is warning me to stay away but my heart just wants our baby back".

Kathryn smiled back up at him and kissed him. Not passionately or deeply but more than she had in a long while, she quickly undid her trousers and put her mouth to his penis "woah slow down" Chakotay murmured but Kathryn was on a mission. As she felt him harden she wriggled beneath him and opened her legs "now when you come you need to stay inside me for at least a minute, then I'll wait for ten minutes with my legs in the air. I'll start tracking my cycle and let you know he best days for sex" she instructed. "great" Chakotay grimaced.

***

Fortunately for Chakotay it took two cycles for Kathryn to become pregnant with a baby boy, she had grown to 39 weeks and was uncomfortable, grouchy and happy. She rubbed her belly and giggled as Chakotay kissed the little hand that pushed out. "I can't wait to meet him" she smiled, "you're going to teach him how to make things and cook things, and I'll show him the stars and the plants and he will be so happy." Chakotay kissed her on the forehead, "you know you said you thought the contractions had been building up today, do you want me to examine you? Today could be the day" Kathryn kissed his lips "yes please, I just know I'll have him in my arms soon."

The day wore on and Kathryn was dilating further and contracting more regularly, Chakotay had administered some pain relief but Kathryn had made sure it was only a small amount as she didn't want to slow the birth down. "Sweetheart you're still only 6cm, you seem very tired" Chakotay paused before logging into the medical portals "I think you might end up needing some help with this". "you're sweet Chakotay but I know my body, he will be here soon".

The hours wore on and a little progress had been made, Kathryn was tiring more now so Chakotay rubbed her feet and gave her some water to sip. "I think I should start pushing soon" "are you sure? The contractions aren't really coming any faster" Kathryn whispered "less talking and prepare to cuddle our boy, make sure you scan him for viruses before doing skin to skin" Chakotay nodded, unsure what to do next.

****

Later that evening Chakotay sat in amongst the trees and sang songs to his newborn son, he pointed out the constellations of this strange planet. Yes this was worth the heartache and risk he thought to himself, the years stretching out before them would be good.

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

Resolutions - Chapter 1

Kathryn patted the earth around the tomatoes, they were growing really quickly and she couldn't wait to show Chakotay she could at least grow food even if she couldn't cook it. Chakotay had been talking about building a boat and Kathryn was saving her replicator rations to replicate a swimming costume, something she hadn't thought of when they were first stranded.

"Hey, your tomatoes are looking pretty good, you know you're not allowed to touch them after we pick them right? Don't want to see them incinerated or mouldy or whatever your usual recipe is"

"Bully" Kathryn laughed and flicked a bit of soil at him, he grabbed her wrists and pretended to push her face into the soil. "I surrender, I surrender" she laughed trying to wriggle free. She was out of breath from laughing and as she looked into his eyes she saw he was not laughing and looking at her like he couldn't decide what he was going to do next. She couldn't work out who was closing in on whom but somehow she felt his breath on her cheek, smelled his aftershave and finallytheir lips crashed together and her arms wrapped around his neck. Chakotay's hands came to her cheeks and he groaned as she slipped her tongue into his mouth. His arms ran down her back and cupped her bottom, rubbing up her sides and round her waist. Chakotay could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he waited for her to stop before they went too far. Kathryn broke the kiss and smiled at him then brought her hands to his forearms and guided him as they walked towards their shelter.

Inside he laid her down on the bed and ran his hands up her legs, she moaned as he ran his hands brushed over her knickers. he slipped a finger inside and Kathryn moaned louder "take them off" she murmured as Chakotay pulled them down and found her clit. She fumbled with his trousers, pulling his erection free and spreading her legs "fuck me please" she whispered. He pushed himself inside her, never breaking their kiss, lifting her hips and thrusting deeply. Her moans increased as she felt a tingling spreading throughout her body, as she felt her blood thrust through her veins she felt Chakotay coming inside her and a whisper in her ear, very quiet and almost inaudible "I love you".

****

The boat trip was a success and Kathryn found she didn't need her swimsuit. They spotted rainbow fish and made love in their tent as the sun set on another summer day. When they got back they made plans to explore upstream next time if the weather allowed and as the summer pressed on they packed up their camping gear for their next trip. Kathryn had been under the weather recently and ran her tricorder to check to see if she had picked up a new virus in this part of their planet.

Chakotay was packing his tools in the shed when he saw Kathryn appear silently in the doorway. "We need to talk" she said "That last trip, I thought we were away for 7 days, I counted wrong when we got back and I was late taking some medicine. My contraception. It was stupid to save rations and have only me take it, I've made a huge mistake" she felt the tears welling up.

"Kathryn, are you pregnant" Chakotay tried to keep his voice steady, clearly she was more shaken about this possibility than he was. She nodded and ran from the shed. He easily caught up with her and held her "hey, I know you're scared but I think this is something you might want?" he ventured. "I don't know" she whispered as he held her close.

****

As the weeks went by Kathryn still couldn't come to a decision, on earth a child with Chakotay would be wonderful. But here on a lonely planet she couldn't face the thought of a the child living more than 40 years after her and Chakotay's deaths. Chakotay said he hoped the child would be able to eventually leave, maybe it would have immunity to the virus and could take the shuttle they had been left, seek out a friendly race and settle amongst them. Kathryn felt Chakotay's unsaid words, that to her the baby was a bundle of cells but Chakotay believed its spirit was already formed. And as the weeks passed she meant to give herself the medication to pass the foetus but found she never quite got round to it. One day she appeared to Chakotay as he was chopping wood "I felt it kick Chakotay, I don't know how we will navigate this but I guess we need to come up with names". Chakotay held himself back, not rushing to pick her up as he wanted but walking slowly and rubbing her back "this child will be so loved, we'll figure out how to get him into space and up amongst the stars", he smiled.

******

Kathryn's pregnancy passed easily, Chakotay read all the instructions on how to assist in childbirth, and as he found himself telling Kathryn to stop pushing as the baby passed from her body into its father's loving arms "hello Sophia" he smiled as he placed the girl on Kathryn's chest.

The first six months Chakotay felt like he was in heaven, he played peekaboo with Sophia and took her to show her the babbling river. He and Kathryn delighted as Sophia tasted the fresh fruit and her mother's speciality tomatoes. The lay in bed all cuddling together, "why are her eyes still so blue? I didn't know how I was carrying that gene around" Chakotay laughed. "Her dimples are definitely aaaaalll yours" Kathryn poked him in the ribs. They heard the baby cry and snuffle in her cot. "She's feeling a little warm today let me scan her" Kathryn grabbed her tricorder and scanned the baby. "hmm she seems to have an unknown virus, not the one we have. hmph I need to look into this" Kathryn frowned as she fired up the computer. Chakotay kissed the little girl's forehead and noticed the light sheen of sweat across it.

[nosuchthingasagruffalo]

New Earth

Kathryn looked at Chakotay laying in their bed as the morning light streamed across the covers, she slowly climbed under the duvet and stroked his face, it had been a whirlwind eight weeks since he had touched her heart with his tale of love, they had spent days making love in the bed, bending her over her bath, lying amongst the flowers, naming the constellations shining in the moonlight. "Hi Chakotay" Kathryn whispered into his ear, Chakotay groaned and pulled her into a kiss, but she pulled away. "I need to talk to you Chakotay" she whispered as a look of concern crossed his face. "I've been trying some of the cures I have created for this virus on myself, so I've been scanning regularly and .."

"You've been doing what?? Chakotay boomed "how could you be so stupid how do you know you won't kill yourself?"

"That's not the point" Kathryn replied curtly. The point is I have been scanning myself and it turns out the virus has interfered with all our usual medication, including.."

"Including what?" Chakotay pressed

"Contraceptives. I ovulated three weeks ago making me 5 weeks pregnant"

"Really?" Chakotay found his shock making way for a warm fuzzy feeling.

"Stop it" Kathryn snapped "I can't keep it. There's only two of us on this planet, what happens if we have an accident or get ill? What if we died and left a defenceless toddler alone. What happens when we die of old age and commit the child to 40 years of solitude? It's too risky. If we were on Voyager, or Earth this could work, but here, I won't condem a child to a life of loneliness. Our medical supplies won't last another 80 years, please know this is not a decision I have taken lightly."

"Of course" chakotay grimaced, "I can prepare a hypo but you will need to administer it. I will suport you but I wish it were different."

Two months later they were returned to Voyager. After the abortion Kathryn had given herself time to grieve but had also found a peace within herself. Her relationship with Chakotay had strengthened although she hadn't wanted to make love to him again too soon. On the second day of her return she found herself and Chakotay having a late dinner in her quarters and beckoned him to her bed. She parted her legs as he gently pushed himself inside her, kissing her neck and whispering words of love. She felt him tightening and panicked "pull out Chakotay" "Kathryn it's ok, the doctor readminstered our boosters but i won't do anything you dont want" he said as he pulled her into a cuddle "you'll resent me" Kathryn sniffed "if I had waited a 7 more weeks, I was too rash. You might not feel it now but you will" Chakotay shushed her "it wasn't the right timing, I only need you, I don't need anything else"

Present day

Chakotay awoke with a start. His vision quests did sometimes carry over into his dreams but this one had been recurring weekly. It was menacing and dark, the beating and whistling of feathers, the sound of a bird crying out, the sense of dread, loss. "Are you my lost child?" Chakotay had asked but he only heard and angry response echo through his mind "you must not ask me that" . He cursed himself for allowing any of his children to join Starfleet and put themselves in danger, why hadn't he and Kathryn encouraged them to stay planet side, safe and together as a family.

He heard Tuvok hail him over his comm "Captain, Admiral, please meet me in the conference room as soon as possible".

****

"We have identified a gaseous giant and small rocky moon at the coordinates we were given. Scans show there is a network of tunnels which our scanners are not able to permeate, no sign of Lohengrin."

Kathryn looked around the room "I don't want to waste any time, we will have a search party ready within the hour. Ensign Hussein please join Captain Tuvok and me, Captain Chakotay will remain on the ship should we be joined by any unexpected guests. Dismissed"

As the officers filed out Chakotay lingered, he walked around the table and towered over Kathryn. "Kathryn, what are you playing at? You're afraid aren't you, of what you might find, you're not protecting me, I won't let you do this, he's my son too, we BOTH encouraged him to join the Academy, we are both going to damn well see this through" he leaned down further, his face millimeters from her nose "permission to join the team Admiral". Kathryn met his eyes with an icy fire, she looked away, she nodded.

*****

Kathryn scanned her tricorder over the mouth of the caves "I'm reading human biosigns this way" she gestured down a tunnel and headed towards the location. She could hear noises and what sounded like words bouncing off the walls of the cave. She picked up the pace and hurried further down the tunnel, could this be Amal? She imagined turning a corner and seeing him there, waiting for her, embracing her outstretched arms. She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw two figures in front of her:

"Lottie, what are you doing here"

END OF SEASON ONE

To be continued .....