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it is weird when someone asks you if you've done something before or something similar and you earnestly don't know not because you don't remember but because you don't know if what you're remembering is real or a dream or what

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i keep thinking about a man who was like a father figure to me when i was a preteen. he was my mom's best friend and he was so beautiful and kind and so fucking smart and i owe him so much. and part of my feels awful that i can only remember him so vaguely in some ways because i only knew him during like literally the worst period of my life and then he killed himself. i just miss him so much lately. he taught me so much about art and encouraged me and i want to thank him i want to make things for him god sorry. I love you so much Greg

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If the gallery i submitted to doesnt reð...oh interesting....respond by the end of today it will have been a whole week. I am worried i blew it big time on this one lads

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following people based on having great url's continues to backfire on me literally every single time

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at a certain point it feels so useless and annoying to even attempt to explain or go into problems externally. no matter how far i think i've gotten i can always look up and be immediately reminded that i'm still and forever will be lightyears behind where i'm supposed to be. i will never be a fulfilled person i will never be socially normal i will never have any of the experiences that i want more than anything else and i should just kill myself but i won't because it would be stressful for other people the same old reason that i keep going through the same old problem.

i wish so badly that i could take a gap semester but i would lose the only things i do have socially and i would lose my job and my workstudy job and my internship and my chance at a huge important sholcarship type thing that i dont have a chance in hell at getting anyways. but basically if i try to take a break everyone will be so dissapointed in me and i will be forcibly isolated from everyone i am close to irl because they'll be graduating and i know that in that combined circumstance i actually would for real just kill myself. so i have to keep going but i feel like i have nothing left and have already failed. and i need to figure out how to just fucking get over it because i have no more time to waste on this i need to get back to making and making and making and making and it has to be actually good shit that i can sell people on thinking is good and i have to write this shit i was supposed to write in november talking myself up as this worthwhile and interesting person and talking about all these fake goals i have as if i actually have any will at all to achieve them. no one in real life is actually close to me i always feel so excited to get closer and break through social barriers but there are always more and i still don't know how to just actually become a friend to just actually be enough not-a-freak for people to be comfortable with me for people to think of me and want me around that way that i think of them but this self-pitying nonsense is like. why this happens. i dont think of myself as anything otheer than pathetic and neither does anyone else

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captains log my dad got me a fuzzy jacket for christmas and i haven't been able to stop wearing it since he gave it to me even though it's honestly too warm to where the the house. its the first gift he's gotten me specifically that wasn't clearly the first random thing he found on clearence at walmart for as long as i can remember. i like it but it also causes complex mixed emotions because of this. i feel like if i stop touching it it will dissapear. i feel like if i stop touching it maybe he'll die. i feel like if i stop touching it its proof i'm a bad daughter. it's pretty and its soft

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jesus christ. i NEED to find out where the dykes my age are in this god forsaken city

#(without joining dating app)

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do people prefer when you have a breakdown in front of them? is that humanizing? is it hard to believe i'm two seconds away from driving off a bridge if i wait to cry when i'm alone? these are earnest questions....i'm getting told multiple times a day at this point that i'm So Good at keeping it together or having my shit together or not getting stressed and i say directly every time that i'm actually very upset i'm just masking and don't know how to appropriately portray being upset in public and the reaction seems to be one of disbelief? i don't know like, am i supposed to explain that we used to be punished for crying and i'm afraid to show anything to anyone now because of it. am i supposed to explain that i'm so disconnected from my body because of the stress i'm under whenever i'm at school that i can barely feel anything at all until i'm alone again. when people say 'i have it together' in a way that implies its almost annoying what behavior do they want from me instead i seriously do not know what is an acceptable sad Enough portrayal of how sad i am. if it was actually acceptable to be completely open with our emotions i'd be putting a sword through my abdomen i also feel like if i open up about anything to my studio professor literally the only thing that will happen is my grade going down. so i told her today i was upset and struggling and kept changing my plans and she made a dissapointed face and said "i know you. you'll figure it out" like i was trying to ask for help figuring it out or for you to talk to me about it. but ok point taken i'll do it myself and then everyone will say wow sascha the incredible automaton that never needs help and does everything alone because no one ever understands when i'm asking for help i guess

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really not seeing the point of it all at the moment gents

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say what you want about cbd and cure-alls but god damn i really do know its time to take more when i start to #Become Psychotic and unable to sleepwithouthaving panic attacks again lol

#this really used to be every day and every night dude fuck #thankyou weed i love sleeping without the terror so so much

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i bought food for him to eat while we were gone because i um. did not have a choice not to. and i get back and he not only drank all of the soda i bought for him but also drank all of the shit i bought period. at the most gracious estimate he was downing over 3 cans a day of shit i bought but his partners started to pitch in 200$ a month for him (in total) multiple months after he had already been here so its fineeeeeeeeee

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hm. i don't want to go too far into the details but i also revisited a public place for the first time since going there over a decade ago and having something very bad and terrible happened. and at the time i was fine and i am proud of myself for doing that and getting through it but it also might be part of why i feel so drained and frustrated now

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happy to see my dog again but otherwise immediately depressed to be back home where our Guest That Will Just Be Living Here For An Unknown Amount Of Time and the house is dirtier than when we left it and being away reminded me of how great and perfect things are when its just me and my mom and not its not just us again and we only got a fucking second of being alone in our own house before he was here um....ruining it. sorry. sigh. i want him to leave so badly but i know he never will

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i feel like i haven't been able to Fully think a coherent thought in years. i feel like there is a big video game trap hallway of slicing blades that my thoughts have to get through to enter my brain

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at least i will always be the villain of my 30-something NEET brother's polycule groupchat

#Breathtakingly Normal behaviors on display here recently

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*years pass*

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winning the Posters Club badge for my post about wanting to kill myself