oceanforblues

[oceanforblues]

[oceanforblues]

[oceanforblues]

To mom

I don’t feel anything towards my brother anymore. I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel upset, I don’t feel happiness.

I’ve already felt those emotions years ago when I saw you treat him better than you treat me. You told me you tried to give him more love so he wouldn’t feel the absence of a dad. Well, because you did that, I never had a mom OR dad when I was growing up. All your attention is always on him.

Do you remember when I was his age? I was 21/22 years old. I told you “mom I think I need therapy for my mental health”. You told me “you don’t need therapy. They will make you think you’re crazy. You’re not crazy”. And now you support him when he goes to therapy. You’re paying 2 thousand dollars to get his adhd diagnosis. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need and I will never need your money. I’ll be just fine. But I needed your support when I was 21. I needed your validation. Do you remember when I failed theory? And you yelled at me and told me it was my fault? Then I went outside and I tried to jump in front of moving traffic. Then I took myself to the hospital to get help but I couldn’t get help. I came home at 3am and saw you crying. When I told you I wanted to kill myself, you got upset and you yelled “I want to kill myself too!!” M. When I failed my G test you also yelled at me that day too. Why did you have difficulty talking to me the day after I failed my G test ? Why didn’t you come to me and talk to me the night after I told you I wanted to kill myself? You know I still want to kill myself. Everyday I think about dying. I always have. But you never comforted me about it. Unlike you comfort him, you never come talk to me about my mental health.

.. so why do you always yell at me? Can you give me a reason? Can you tell me why you yell at me for my failures and on the other hand you praise him and his therapy? I see you consult with him and tell him how great he’s doing in life. Do you see why I always tell you that you love him more than me?

So like I said, I don’t feel anything towards him or you anymore. Always remember that you’ve failed me as a mother. I don’t know why you keep on taking care of me because I know you love him more than me. You should have abandoned me. I do not feel your mothers love. You feel like a Roomate to me.

[oceanforblues]

I told him he was my first friend. He told me I’m his first love.

[oceanforblues]

[oceanforblues]

2022 summary

2022 summary

halo izzy,

if you asked me if i could predict how my life would be right now, i never would have been able to guess it. 2022 me would definitely not predict what happened to me at 2023/end up 2022. i am dating the love of my life, which has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. he is not what i expected at all. he is one of the sweetest well rounded man i have ever met in my life- and that's saying a lot from me because i hate men. he has taken care of me in ways which i didnt think i'd need taken care of. he comforted me during my times of distress, he even let me use him as a punching bag sometimes-- which i apologized to him after. he never blames me for the times i get too emotional, but he reassures my feelings and we work it out together. who knows? maybe for the first time in my life i actually see myself building a family with someone.

enough of that, you also lost one of the most important connections of your life. you cut off ties with Big Hero. i know this can make me sound cocky but it just feels like my growth has been faster than theirs and that one girl didnt seem to like that. she finally got what she wanted: to bully me out. at first it was hard to adjust without a solid line of friendship, but i soon realized that they stopped being my friends a long time ago. actually things have changed recently, they are calling out that girl on her bs and you can see a breach in that group starting to happen-- just like i predicted. im proud of you for turning around and never looking back.

you also started going to therapy! i cant believe i finally started doing it. took me long enough. it may be expensive but i think its worth it. i dont feel alone. i should book her again sometime soon.   finally, nursing school is going well. please dont stress about wanting to finish quick. instead start to think of finishing it WELL no matter how long it takes. you are going back home this summer. i hope your travels will be safe. i hope your STOMACH will be safe. because if youre sick you cant study. so focus on that above all.

sex. server will see this but im so surprised they have not kicked me out bc of the shit takes i have to say. who knew a bunch of ppl from the internet would be one of the most significant ppl in your life? please PLEASE do not fuck this up with them. try to be calm and not angry taurus. just try not to be a taurus for one day and you will see your life will be better. be nice to them even if they like pizza.

see you next year as a GRADUATE  

Blaze

[oceanforblues]

Write about dates with saamin

- bluffers tea date

- zoo date

- Frenchman’s bay beach date

- Scarborough bluffs date

-

[oceanforblues]

me: can u tell ur husband to not listen to his political debates on speaker when i do my exam tomorrow him: I HATE IT HERE! YOU ALL ARE PLOTTING AGAINST ME! JUST TORTURE ME PHYSICALLY WHY ARE YOUTORTURING ME MENTALLY!  this is a prime example of a man who grew up never getting any criticism. and then he just kept goingon and on about how much he just hates living here, how much we all “torture” him. 

my mum kept reminding him and reassuring him by saying “i am only reminding you to not put your debates on speaker tomorrow during her exam, that’s all” to which he replied “i do that!! why are you reminding me??” in a very angry annoying tone. to which my mom responded by saying “ok thats good. thats all im saying. we’re both agreeing on the same thing”. but then he went on by saying things like “if youre going to torture me then torture me physically, not mentally” “you wont have to find me difficult after i leave” and “you would have found peace if you just divorced me”. i dont understand because all she did was give him a reminder to not put his debate on speaker. thats all. she wasnt being mean or anything at ALL. but this is a prime example of what i think is someone who is at war with his own mind and also someone who never grew up with criticism. like other people had to adjust to his way of living. he never had to adjust to theirs. hes such a depressed person that i feel bad but at the same time he goes on to say shit like this to bring other people down around him that i am unable to feel bad for him. all i feel is anger. i used to respect him before but now all my respect for him went away

i genuinely think i will ask my mom to divorce him once he leaves for india

because of these conflicts my mum is sad and shes both disappointed at me and also my stepdad. but the thing is i have two choices: i could either make her feel better and not be disappointed at me by NOT SAYING ANYTHING to him when he goe son his bipolar rampage. OR i do the thing i WANT to do which is to call him out on his bullshit and tell him he needs to get his act together because he has no right to drag everyone down with him. but this secondone comes in te consequence of once again, my mum being disappointed at me 

i dont think i care if i disappoint her anymore ashley. i think i lived my life too long being afraid of being a disappointment or wanting her approval or just putting her mind at ease. i feel like i started to care for myself a lot now, but it came at the severe consequence of being told that “im selfish” and i care only about myself and being called a stone cold bitch sometimes 

[oceanforblues]

How it started

my father died when i was around 6 years old. we all lived in the same bulding.. kind of like a joint family. after my father died, people started to abuse my mom. she was distraught but also she was a working woman. you know how it was for women back in the day... she would go out to work and come home late and people would spread rumours like she was slutting around and hanging out with other men. the family would abuse me too. my cousins would sneak into my room and turn my tv off when id be watching tv. they would steal my toys. its like they made me a part of their family but at the same time treated me in a condescneding way. my mum ofc knew that because she was a grown woman. i didnt because i was a stupid kid. so i would always get upset with her that why would she get angry at my counsins because they were my friends. 

they would make fun of my weight all the time. their nickname for me would be “bidet” because my name is bushra. i dont know why i used to find tha funny back in the day. they would call me fat, they would make fat jokes around me like oh dont sit on the bed because you will break it. they would call me moti which means fatty. my uncle, their dad, would sexually harrass me actually. actually its really weird how many times i used to get touched as a child. my uncle would take my shirt off and roll me like dough on the floor. his wife wouldnt say anything but she would always look weird when she saw it. i didnt think much of it. they had a maid who used to work for them. she was also the first person who raped me. i woudl come home for lunch aroun 11am and around that time no one else would be around. so she would take me up to her bedroom, undress me, and she would do things with me that i feel like i shouldnt put in writing. i was 8. it felt weird when i saw her a few years ago when i went back home. 

oh, all of this happened while my mum was working. i guess she threw herself into her job after my dad died. which made sense. but she would focus on my brother more than me. her reasoning was that he never got his fathers love when i did so she needed to make sure he was loved more. which didnt make sense to me because he doesnt even remember father. i remember him. i remember his scent, his face, his memories, i remember the way he would hug me and hold me and how he would dance with me at night and sing with me and how he would do fun activities with me. wouldnt it make sense for her to care for me because ive been mourning him the most? she worked a lot because she wanted my brother to go to a private english school and not a boarding school like me.  my grandfather wouldnt allow it so she worked to pay for his tuition. she also paid for this math class i took, which honestly came in handy even now. but yeah. 

the other times i got harassed was when i went to my grammas place back in the villages. this one i remember so distinctively. it was some dude that worked for a neighbor. i remember he called me, took me upstairs to some corner and started to ask me some random questions while he slipped his hand under my shirt and felt me up. felt me up everywhere. i dont know why i didnt do anything. i never got touched like that before so i didnt know what to do. i just let him do it. all while my mum and my family was there with me. other times i got assaulted i guess would be the times some grown ass men would stare at me as i was walking to school, call me names, sing for some reason etc etc. i was unfamiliar with the concept of misogyny and sexual assault back in the day so i truly thought that was normal. i feel guilty at myself for not doing aynhting. i dont know why im crying now because it doesnt even affect me now. am i feeling bad for my past self? or am i actually grieving? 

but yeah. after my dad died all that stuff happened. after my grandfather died it got worse. he died around 2015 i think. he was basically my father bc he took care of me after my father died, when he saw that my mum was too busy focusing on my brother. he wasnt the best either i mean he treated my gramma like absolute garbage but he was nice to me. 

[oceanforblues]

Things to ask Ashley

Can my mom go for therapy with manulife

My father died when I was 6 ish. My mum remarried about 7 years ago to this doctor man. But he’s not really capable of being a family man. He has autism and it never got treated. In fact all his life he was spiked and never really taught how to manage his symptoms. So at this age he’s around 65 but he doesn’t know how to act according to his emotions. Like for example he is from India and we’re from Bangladesh. He’s a very patriotic person in a sense that he even listens to political debates from back home. I don’t know if you know but those debates usually have people yelling at each other from across the room or over a zoom call. He enjoys watching that stuff. But the thing is because he can’t handle his autism he takes the energy and emotion from the debate and takes it out on us. For example you can ask him to pass the salt while he’s watching those shows and he will immediately say something like “I don’t understand why you people keep poking at me” or “oh my god wait one minute like I just said” even though you only asked him to pass the salt once. He doesn’t know how to handle himself or carry himself. He also smokes indoors. He doesn’t do it in front of my brother because he would lose it. He does it in front of me because as always I am the one who needs to be understanding and for some reason I need to the one to hold the secrets. I told my mum that either she tells him to stop smoking indoors or I don’t want him in the house. Because it’s my minimum requirement for someone who is sharing a space with us. My mum always says that we should consider it because we are not his blood and he feels like a stranger here. But until how long can we adjust? Have I not adjusted to the mood swings and bipolar ness? He smokes in the toilet which I don’t say anything. He smokes I’m the main bedroom. My only requirement is that he doesn’t smoke in the living room. I get my mums point and I get that at this age you can’t really change habits especially because he’s autistic but until when will they consider me and my brother?

Even with friends you know i always felt like a second option even though I put everyone as my first. Even now i always put my mum as first priority and her comfort is everything to me. But because of the way I speak to him and how I get upset at his shit habits she thinks I don’t care about anyone else but myself. She has said this to me that I don’t care about her or this family. How the fuck am I supposed to care when they are like this? When my mum literally wants to die and this man is more of a burden than someone at a vegetative state? I am stuck between wanting to care but I don’t want to go back to being the main like for this family. I don’t want to be the Cheeto piece holding the door in place. Fragile.

It feels like my mum is estranged from me at this point. She sounds like she’s living for the sake of living and not because she wants to live for me or even my brother. I know a lot of my problems will be solved if she went to therapy herself. But I don’t even know how to bring it up. Should I bring it up even? Or should I focus on myself and my own healing journey. But I can’t heal because the environment I live in is so chaotic and overall so unstable for my health.

It feels like my mom doesn’t really care what I do anymore. I could not be nursing and I could be doing something entirely different and she’s be indifferent about it. I feel like if she were to die tomorrow she wouldn’t be unhappy about it. It’s weird because I’m the one who craves connection with people all the time. I crave connections with friends, with family. I want us to be happy. But I feel like my mum doesn’t even want to get better or has the motivation to even take control of her life. And is it even my responsibility to help her heal to guide her?

I just feel like I have the most broken family out of everyone I know. It would make me feel at least a little better if I was close with my sibling but even he is estranged. I don’t think I did anything wrong. But I think he genuinely thinks I’m not capable of creating a bind with him because I’m the one yelling and trying to get people to function like a normal family. He thinks I’m probably too emotional to understand. I don’t know what he thinks but from knowing him it feels as though he looks at me in a condescending manner BECAUSE I’m emotional and have feelings.

Am I highly sensitive? I can’t stand some noises thag people make and it gives me literal migraines when it shouldn’t. Like I can’t stand people coughing. During exams when it’s dead silent and I’m trying to concentrate on my exam, I hate it when people cough or sniff their nose or even when a pencil falls. I also can’t stand people shaking their leg and mouth breathers. They give me literal migraines. I have to turn the other way when someone is shaking their leg because it messes up mt head too much.

[oceanforblues]

She kept trying to convince me that I have curly hair or that I should really get into the curly hair girl method. And when I told her that curly hair is just not something that I want, she just sort of looked at me weird or scarfed it off. It’s like they’re all turning into look-alikes of each other, like a bunch of minions like if you don’t share the same opinions than you are the odd one out for some reason?

[oceanforblues]

It’s really telling when Q unfollowed only Aysha and Kaush

[oceanforblues]

When I tell them that I prefer doing hit instead of yoga, they look down on me? Like I like putting my body under stress, it’s just some thing that I like to do yoga just doesn’t do it for me. I think it’s boring. I cannot pay attention to it but for some reason when I bring up the fact that I prefer hit, they somehow think I am looking down at yoga or that I somehow think I’m better than them because I do a different form of exercise. Also, I have mentioned that I prefer not taking medication for my mental health and just like doing therapy and lifestyle changes and I remember one time they tried to force me to get prescribed medication, and I just said I just don’t want it so little things like that fills up over time that I believe they think makes me sound pretentious. 

I’m the type of person who would tell you things that I think a honest. You know friendship is supposed to be about honesty. For example, if I see a spinach in between your teeth, I will tell you you have spinach in between your teeth I won’t just say you look fine, I feel like a lot of the miscommunication in the group could have been handled if they just told me I know I am strong worded and I am willing to change, but how can I change? If I don’t know what I said was wrong? No one tells me what I did was wrong. No one comes up to me and says he Bucher I think the way you worded yourself was incorrect, or rather, they take it out in passive aggressive manner, and they would rather just talk behind my back and face me. I personally know someone in that group told me a secret that they were upset at someone else in the group. I told the person that they should just talk to that person and tell her how she feels instead of holding it in and that person told me that they are not going to talk it out. They’re just going to hold it in and I believe a lot of people in the group do the same thing which is why I don’t think this group is going to last for a long time. 

It just feels like the whole group very heavily relies on group mentality, and not individualism. Like if one person thinks differently, then they get charged and a lot of the times someone who does thing differently is too afraid to speak up. I know this notably that Manisha is one of them, when she came and talk to me like a year ago, she knew the stuff I should say about me what was wrong she verbally told me but she verbally also told me that she wants to stay out of it even though she knew it was wrong and she did that because she was afraid of getting backlash. I don’t think that’s the type of group. I want to be in want to be surrounded by people who are not afraid of communication, who are not in favour of confrontation, and who are not afraid of conflicts. At first I was really lonely I didn’t think I had anybody to wake up and share my thoughts and feelings too, but I quickly realized that even wanted to share my thoughts and feelings in the group it didn’t get acknowledged, not as much as other girls at least. As time went by, I sort of got comfortable with my own a company. I made other friends as well so I’m not that one anymore. 

[oceanforblues]

My therapy went super well. She’s good at what she does. Worth the money. Basically told me all the paths I have right now all have their pros and cons. Which makes sense. I decided I’m gonna write a letter to big hero and show it to her for her to preview before I send it. That’ll be for my next session.

Should I confront Karyna about what she said? I mean I apologized for what I said but I genuinely want to ask if she truly thinks if I’m obsessed with her money and her income. What goal am I even seeking by asking that question? Is it worth the time and energy and the anxiety to even go through that?

Therapy went well. She made me realize that the people in my life who genuinely want to stay will stay and know how to love me. I don’t need to change myself for them. Saamin loves me for who am. Ayesha A does too. Nancy and sex server does as well. My only sorrow is that they’re all long distance accept Saamin. I’m gonna have to decide between convenience and genuine.

I think I’m gonna treat saamin better now too. I don’t want to be the type to be nagging at him all the time. I… I don’t want him to hate me. I know I never told him this but I honestly think I’d kill myself if he ever left my life. I never thought I’d love someone so much. Though these days I’ve been feeling insecure. Just because I think for us the honeymoon phase is starting to fade. I should start to adjust to the settled stage. But I feel so anxious about it still. I just hate a change in routine. Hes my best friend and the love of my life. I’d do anything for him. I’m glad I’m doing therapy, for him.

Feeling less shitty today. This too shall pass… just like the drama with sex server. And just like the drama with saamin.

[oceanforblues]

What makes him the best man alive 🤠🐛

He picks me up from work at 1AM

He calls me EVERYDAY for HOURS

He gives me random smooches and pats my butt

He makes sure to give me rides everywhere

He tells me he wants to marry me

He doesn't want to do anything I don't feel comfortable doing

He will go somewhere with me even when he is very tired

Everyday when he calls he makes sure to give me a cute nickname

He appreciates everyday and doesnt take it for granted 

He is a very patient man 

[oceanforblues]

We had sex in Monday,,, and then again on Wednesday,,, this man is kinky as fuck. I mean, we tried the laying down position where I'm basically little spoon while he fucks me. And he grabbed my face, turned my head to face him and he said "open your eyes. Look at me while I fuck you". I was like OOPE— EXCUSE ME?? AND THEN HE PUT HIS THUMB IN MY MOUTH so I licked his finger.. I couldn't do it properly though because I was sort of entranced by the way he was dicking me down.

The second time we had sex was also on a Monday. That time he was so hard it was crazy. His dick was insanelt erect. Probably because we didn't have the stress of people coming back or walking in on us. We did doggy and it was so deep I almost lost my mind. He pinned my hips down even further and just went to town. Honestly even writing about this is making me quiver down there. He took his dick out and rubbed it against my clit and it felt AMAZING. HE NEEDS TO DO IT AGAIN. Especially when he dropped his weight on me and wrapped his palms around my boobs from the back and squeezed them. Ughhh

[oceanforblues]

As cheesy as this may sound, I look forward to seeing another day because he will be in it. I finally feel like I'd fight for my life if I was in a dangerous situation, because I don't want to leave this world without him.