oceansandroses

[oceansandroses]

Feels

Its been while since I last wrote here. Today I woke up dreaming abt Vind, just seeing and acknowledging his presence. There was a part about my mom, leaving home but yet becoming my brother and my tutor which indirectly was somewhat a good change for all 3 of us. 

The morning started off on a tiring, stressful and slightly fearful note. 

I went on to do my essay before thankfully checking my fb notifications to find out about today’s social by the gardens. Made my way down despite getting slightly lost and missing my bus but all that negativeness didnt really bring me down since I was pretty excited about dancing again. My day was officially made when my first dance went to the bachata instructor which taught me quite a bit. I tried kizomba with him and Patrick too which I was very delighted to see. He remembered and recognized me too. Boyan (the french guy) was there too as well as Sofia who came later on. Oh and I danced with Liu Tong (the really nice PRC guy). 

The vibes of the garden and platform we danced at was amazing. The weather was perfect (felt like i was dancing in AC) just that it was kinda sad that people were all leaving, I was one of them which people asked about too. I didnt really know much people but I had a really good time dancing there. Did a session of Rueda too with all the commands although I barely know any of the words, just a few. Thank god of guys remembering what to do and I just have to follow. Girls dont get too complicated steps anyways. 

My day was slightly ruined by getting pretty lost again, the GPS refused to work with me, it refused to budge in any way so I had to depend on asking people. Thank god the garden was somewhere near town so I managed to get to town and wait for 20 min for th bus back to ryd. Sigh all that time could be spent dancing abt 5 more dances.

Got back by 9 20 then by the time dinner and all was made, it was 10. Did laundry, my essay and suddenly im just caught in this mix of feelings again. It feels as though alot has happened since the past few days. I went out for the first time on a weekend, attended a house party, obviously met a few drunks, a couple of Sweds and got myself into pretty annoying trouble with some guy, joao kissing me on my cheek and forehead. I told hj abt it and she was like he fucked up and she also said the forehead was an intimate spot. And that made me feel really bad about things. Me being me, told robz about it the next day. I dont hide things but I was just so afraid I would lose him. 

I got kissed in a club on my cheek by Casey, a ex SJI/TK tracker that I used to train with back in my sec sch days. Vind raged at me for that and things between us nvr turned for the better after that incident. It scarred him and he nvr had faith in me, and that was possibly the reason why things between us ended so badly. I felt pretty damaged after that incident, telling the truth didnt do me any good and I had to constantly deal with him doubting me and saying the meanest things to me bcos of his lack of faith in me, and it hurt. 

I was so worried and upset it might happen with Robz. Maybe something in me was really wrong, why could guys get away and do what they wanted and I just didnt dare to stand up or I didnt know how to react. I was scared. I dont know of what but th fear, the anxiety and the unhappiness was all there. Vind’s words would often come in at this time, slut shaming, saying bcos I was asking for it, I dressed for it. But i didnt. I made sure I was well covered, no cleavage, no legs but just a body hugging skirt that was below my knee and Jack to serve as my ‘body guard’. 

After telling Robin about it, his first reaction was almost like Vind. He was quiet, but he didnt explode. The questions came, in a similar manner, he was very angry about it and it was my fault. He didnt really seem lik ehe wanted to talk to me when I asked him to, and he said he would only talk to me when he felt like it. My stomach flipped. But it was my fault. I couldnt say anything about it. Like Vind, I was told to block and unfriend the guy which I did without qualms since I barely know him and him hitting on me was nvr really the ‘shiok im wanted’ feels. I just didnt want trouble in any case especially when I had and loved Robin so much. 

Moments like that where Robin acted like Vind still stays fresh in my head. I wish I could forget it cos he’s not Vind. Sometimes I still wonder where did Vind and I go wrong, did i really love him or was it just Stockholm syndrome or? If he was Chinese (my mom is slightly racist) would we have worked out? I realized we dated for almost 1.5 years thou, and yet throughout that period time tgt with him felt hellish 7 out of 8 of the time. 

Robz also recently asked me if I thought he was lazy or complacent, like he was not willing to OT etc. I told him I would support him regardless, he just has to do what he wants cos i believe in him. He said he truly believes in work-life balance and that he doesnt need th money or like to promote as fast as his peers. Working beyond his regular hours esp till 9/10 on a regular basis was too much for him. 

 I told him my plans of doing as much as I can for the first few years of my career, at least till I am financially stable and all so as to provide my parents the best of at least material well being. As much as I could see where Robin was coming from, a part of me was wondering if that really was the case would that be my actual response? That it was alright for him to do as he pleased, not promote as fast or wayang as much. Would I be an evil bitch to compare with my peers, would I get selfish and ugly? Would I want or demand more materially? Sometimes being self aware of potential ugliness is in itself so ugly already. I wonder how much more of myself am I covered in such horridness. 

[oceansandroses]

Realities of life rant

was just casually scrolling thru facebook and suddenly i just felt so stressed. like i know i do soci, alot or in fact almost everything can be seen in a soci perspective, esp alot of social issues. And suddenly (ive nvr had this before) but like i felt like i wanted to retreat from all that. like i just wanna stop trying, stop voicing out, like its just kinda a lot of shooting down everywhere, like by peers and random people or what not, just hide in this self-made shell, exactly like a ostrich with its head right under the sand and thinking it's invisible to enemy eye.

it felt like theres just so much pain, suffering and yet so much of so many that I feel powerless, I cant really help. I dont wanna contribute to any more hurt, anymore crazy economic policies that might take decades to implement, i just wanna go underground. I became a coward.

And in that cowardliness, I stopped trying, started giving excuses and became disappointing. But in all honesty, that was how I felt when I was scrolling thru my FB feed, it felt so overwhelming, so pressurizing, to kinda take a side- do smth, more, help people, voice, raise awareness or just simply continue and add on the line of shares and likes and what nots about cute animal vids, funny vids abt stereotypes or daily happenings etc. You get the idea.

I guess this or such a reality finally gives me an idea why no matter how much HJ loves kids, she doesnt wanna give birth and bring a beautiful life to this sad, trashy and harsh world. Theres nothing more left, people are just fighting over and about scrapes and right now to me, it kinda feels like a computer game where we're just in our own war zone, creating and announcing our own battles like the US elections, how one man, Trump caused so much hatred, divide, bloodshed etc within and even internationally.

And that 2 divide of people appear once again, either trying to save others, be first aiders-one way or another, or just simply moving on obliviously with life, having their smoothie or cocktail while just resting on a hammock watching the waves crash upon the ocean.

[oceansandroses]

Fighting

Fighting as an escape, as a way to deal with myself and fighting as an intimate act. 

You get to know your opponent better, know his habits, his strikes, you have to figure out as soon as possible before you yourself gets knocked out, cold and before it ends right there for you. 

Memories flood back tonight. Just like in waves, intermittently,crashing on my own shore. It shakes up the peaceful sand that layed there, undisturbed and quietly doing its thing. The waves keep coming, crashing, hitting, dying, fading. And the shore keeps absorbing, allowing itself to be gradually depreciated and hollowed down with each hit. 

Today I forgot about the main incident, the video taping, the manipulative last sex session we had, and I remembered the feign ignorance, oblivion and distance. I realized that was what hurt me the most. Not just the contradiction in actions but it felt like for the first time I was finally acting and seeing things as they were. Finally on that last day walking up the hill to the bus stop to get on the u town campus bus, I realized. I stopped internally creating excuses for him, his love towards me and saw actions as they were. I saw that distance, which subconsciously magnified in my head, tripled and eventually swallowed me as a person. I was so ashamed of myself I wish I would be invisible. I wish nobody saw me at 7+ that morning, that my face would be forgettable and I would just vanish off the face of this earth. 

Today I remembered how I had to give bjs, how much I hated them, how each and everytime without fail I would spit everything out of the window. No matter if it was good days or times with him, that I thought or assumed we were great, in love and could work things out, I refused to swallow. I hated that act. It was degrading, demeaning and just purely condescending. Swallowing felt like that was me swallowing down my pride and my everything, the final act of submission to his dictatorship. Both consciously and unconsciously. 

Today I remembered how he re-proposed to ask me to be his girlfriend on our somewhat 1st anniversary. He booked Swisshotel for the 1st Jan and we went out had fun before that night after the fireworks at clarke quay (which was pretty shittysince most of it were blocked by the buildings) he brought me back to where it all started. My dover place, wrote out on plastic boards, confessing and asking me if we could start all over again. Deep in me, I knew if I said yes, it wouldnt ruin me. It would kill me, the cycle would repeat. And I did say no. I broke him, or so I thought I did. The crazy elaborate candles, once again, the boards, him driving all the way out from town to my place, all for a no. I knew it flipped a switch in him. We got back to the hotel, he refused to look, speak or just interact with me. I was scared but I was needy in a way too. I felt bad, and maybe like what he used to say, I just wanted him for the sex, one last time. I didnt know, I probably dont agree with needing him for the sex, but I just went back to what i knew best when interacting with him. Giving in, telling him im sorry, begging, almost crying and finally, saying we could give it a go again. Eventually he spoke to me, there seemed to be tears in his eyes, I was relieved but so so worried and scared deep inside. That night with his arms around me as we slept, it felt like that was me gently squeezing and screwing with my internal organs. That silent, sick feeling in my stomach that would eat you up from within. 

I dont know why I still subconsciously compare, think about it now. Today I wanted to see his insta profile, see his life, make sure he was far away from me, the further the better. Last seen photos were more in taiwan-ish areas and some part of me was relieved but freaked out. Relieved that he’s doing fine, coping well with life but scared bcos he was kinda travelling. What if he could or would fly to Sweden or wherever I would be going? 

Today, I showered and played music from Spotify, as I did during the days after the incident happened, trying to distract my mind. ‘Wake up happy’ was a loud and happy sounding playlist to counter and was my then-fav playlist. The music was playing, the water was running but my mind was swirling. I couldnt hear the music, the lyrics or feel myself. The water was at its usual heat, but I didnt feel it. The water not as hot as I remembered it to be, or more like I just didnt feel it. I felt washed over, emotionless. But there was a silent desperation, that what if the water was no longer not hot enough to wash my sins and dirtiness away. The water lost its meaning, significance and was just water. I couldnt feel it, feel the heat, the relieve and that escape. 

When does this fight end? Where do I stop? How much more do I or can I feel? 

Im lost.  

[oceansandroses]

Paris

So Im gonna write a basic travel thoughts page per place I went starting from Paris. I’d try to recall how lapland was too in hopefully future entries but so here goes!

Paris. 

The city of love and romance. 

But also sadly, the city of pee. 

No city smelt as bad as Paris did, each train, metro, bus and even at the Sacré-Cœur Basilique, with that amazing view, the smell of pee nvr left. Okay, I gotta try to start being more positive about things and stop looking at things from a negative point of view. But I really felt I had to get that point out. 

Great amazing things about Paris: the architecture stole my heart, it just enveloped my entire being. Everything, every place and every building or house was just so unique, tasteful and just a wonder to me. Each had their own flavor, taste and vibe. Whether was it a nice, quiet restaurant with people just sitting to people watch and chill with the oh-so-wonderful weather (it was a perpetual 18 degrees there, probably just 10 in the evenings) my down jacket was rather excessive but I guess it was alright, there were plenty of tourists in Paris that were cold even in that ‘warmth’-funny how Sweden changed me so much, to tolerate the cold. So the buildings were just so beautiful, I remember taking the train out of the airport and looking out of the window only to see many landed houses with different and varying numbers of windows. differently colored and different types of bricks or materials used in its assembly. I was sold. 

The weather as mentioned was great, warm and sunny, a nice warm but cooling breeze which Ale and I were really grateful for. Oh and Asian food!! On our first day there, besides having to skip going to the outlet stores because we didnt have much time to get from our airbnb to the outlets since we got pretty lost without internet (note to self to always get internet that works internationally) so we went to explore the city. Day 1 was lunch at 2/3+ before going off to see the Sacré-Cœur. The climb was alright but what made me weep tears of joy was my fav carousel right at the bottom of the basilique. The vibes of the place overall was really nice and pleasant. There were many people chilling, drinking a bottle of wine or beer or just chatting on the grass patch on the climb up the stairs to the church. Tourists were everywhere as with every tourist attraction but somehow the place didnt feel overrated. it wasnt swarmed with tourists and there was a unique and magical vibe to it. The street artists who were all around trying to earn their daily bread through caricature sketches, the nice restaurants that sold mussels and oysters in buckets at 14 euros (I was really so tempted). But there ale warned me about people who might pickpocket us, there were people who held different colored strings and she said they would hold the string out to us, the moment anyone touched it, they would ask you to pay them money or pickpocket us etc. It was kind scary but we hurried along. Oh, right at the top there was also a choo-choo train! it was pretty cool

Ale and I also bought 12 postcards at 2 euros yay! Next was the Arc de Triomphe, we managed to snap a few pictures but due to no reduced admission rates for us and to go up was 12 euros, I was pretty hesitant. Sharm did recommend us to go up but Ale said the weather was pretty cloudy and we prob could try tmr so we gave it a miss. From the Arc, we saw the Eiffel so both of us decided ourselves that it was quite near so we walked towards it. It was actually quite a walk but it felt kinda fun since we were ‘chasing the tower’ lol, always finding it amongst the buildings and its spotlight that shines throughout. The nightview of the Eiffel was really nice but there was not much magic vibes to it, maybe bcos it felt a lil overhyped. After which we got a little lost, took the wrong train from the wrong side and hopped on the dirtiest train i’ve ever been. The seats were fabric but they were so black and dirty. The red cushion seats were all blackish and they looked kinda mouldy. Much #grossness 

Anyways Ale always having a great directional sense brought us back to the right path after one wrong stop, and we met Sharm at Quatre Septembre to go hunt for some Ramen that people recommended her. It was a chinese-ran restaurant that sold jap food. The gyozas were good but the ramen pretty much tasted like yellow noodles in a chinese broth. The cha siew was good thou i must admit. After that we had Grom gelato (only bcos I said it was a good brand that Robz & I tried in Italy) before sharing a jar of 50cl of white wine. Ale taught me a bit of how to drink the wine while we sat under a heater in one of the most popular and happening streets of Paris. Oh another thing thou, Deliveroo exists in Paris and the delivery guys ride bicycles! So i guess it feels weird that with SG being a much smaller place, rarely do you see people in bikes as in bicycles but rather its just bikes and cars. #thatswhyCOEhighlor the green olives they served there was really nice thou, the black ones tasted like they were soaked in water or just oil. The olive oil in the black ones were barely visible.

it was a great chill hangout before we left and rested up for the night. We started our next day early with the Lourve tour which we paid 24 euros for but ended up feeling very disappointed and cheated since he just shared some short story about how this Lourve came about (from a small tower and a wall elsewhere) to this-he hates the pyramid design so obv not much talk was given about this pyramid before leaving us to walk to the entrance and enter it ourselves. #sobz #byemoney 

Inside the Lourve thou, it was a brand new story. We started off with the French sculptures and boy was it beautiful. Each sculpture felt like there was a life to it, its own story and feelings. Its lines were so beautiful, intricate and just so perfect in their own way. There were many students or people just chilling there and drawing life sketches of the sculptures. After that we kept getting lost but we saw the Napolean collection, the crazy Chandeliers around, the furniture before we attempted to see the French paintings. But bcos we kept getting lost, we ended up looking at the Egyptian collection. Much thanks to Ale for being alright to go to the Egyptian part of the museum with me. After the Lourve bcos there was free wifi, we decided to go hunt for bubble tea. We got lost and spent 1.5 hours around town before finding our Chatime! we had a crepe outside the Lourve too after getting lost half way and walking past it for like about the 3rd time. 

After Chatime, we went to primark to shop for a bit. The collection was rather big but okay ish like no feels to splurge on anything. We went to Bershka too before we rushed to the nearest post office to mail our postcards. The mail lady didnt speak a word of english and boy was she inefficient. She had to flip thru her stack of stamps thrice and recount sets of 5 stamps before letting us pay and all. 10 stamps were pretty pricey and costed me 15.8 euros but oh wells. crap I just realized I forgot to write daddy a happy birthday post card:( but wait its in April okay, ive got time. phew. 

It was a mad rush back home and we had to pass thru a black zone, there were so many blacks and police there, it felt like the entire atmosphere was really tense. The moment anybody made a mistake, the police were right there ready to arrest. We also saw some blacks making a living with a supermarket trolley as a bbq pit to cook kebab meats which I felt was pretty innovative and cool. I also love the buses here, uncles here stop when they see people running for the bus which doesnt really happen alot in SG. sigh. SG buses do come more frequently thou, but still that doesnt make up for bad behavior. 

After dropping our things, we took a train to the concert. Broods was the opening act before Tove Lo and i didnt do much research on her so I nvr knew Tove Lo was so sexualized. Every song she was shaking and grinding her hips to it and she eventually flashed her tits at the audience too. I bought an autographed CD from her but it was weird bcos while heading back Ale was sharing with me about how Tove Lo was being pretty illuminati and Satanic and that Beyonce was the head of the illuminati. I was very thankful for her religious sharig althoug I have to admit after hearing all that i was kinda scared. 

We ended the night cooking our only ‘meal’ of instant noodles before resting and heading to the airport by uber the next day. Thank god for uber for getting to our airbnb and to the airport. the public transport train ticket was far too ridiculous-10 euros for a single trip to the airport and we didnt even stay that far. Uber was just 11 euros per person-.-

Also pretty disappointed with the Paris duty free airport since the collection was so small, I couldnt get mommy’s and huijun’s clinique products. Ale and I each bought a crossaint there thou! It was really yummy

okay done for Paris its 1.45 in the morning here in LKP so im hungry and sleepy and tired and upset so i shld try to get some rest 

Ciao 

[oceansandroses]

bumpy, slumpy

Its 12th Feb and somehow maybe its my Poland trip plans but things kinda feel like a bummer. 

To start off, our flight tickets to Poland lands us at the wrong airport and to get to where the attractions are, its like almost 5 hours by car. Note to self: never jump at random cheap tickets, always always check location

So we might have to forfeit our tickets and oh well. That kinda sucked although the tickets were cheap, but STILL:( 

Next up for dreamland tickets where the campsite was some ulu af place that had trains in, but no google maps route in or out. we’re kinda screwed unless we get a car but rental is kinda steep for like Alethea and I to share, 133 euros or like 270 sgd for like 3 days. Even if we get it for those 3 days, we’ve got parking to worry about which sucks. I miss SG for our convenient or at least cheaper parking system (europe parking tends to expire every hourly or so, so you’ve kinda gotta keep returning to your car to top up-or at least thats th case for Rome when Robin and I drove) Its amazing how travelling with Robin is so easy and carefree. I dont think he was all that stress too, we planned th trip together! 

Spent quite a bit of money today just getting groceries-but I finally finally bought the Asian landmark-RICE and some potatoes that Alethea and I are sharing since we cook together on a rather frequent basis. 

Okay crap I woke to not only a weird dream that I was a fox mom fucking some random guy who was a horse called ‘BROTHERRRR’ while trying to communicate with my fox son where his ‘essence’ was,(god knows what kinda dream was that) but my throat was phlegming up with blood in it and now im hungry. Tell me about life.

But honestly, there’s nothing much to complain about, I mean hey I finally got my luggage back on my birthday, I need to learn to live with lesser and be more contented.

Okay, so basic living mode back on! Lets do this. But im really kinda hungry now thou. Tempted to cook my instant noodles but okay lets try having a cheese sandwich. The struggle to finish my loaf of bread begins again. Sigh. #legitfirstworldproblem

[oceansandroses]

Exchange thoughts

So life in Linkoping begins. 

Its been day 2.5 since its late at night of being in Ryd and it kinda feels good. Liberating. Day 1 was full of people telling me how bad my room was, my chair’s sponge was rotting, the bathroom hanger thing broke and th floor was just so sandy. After seeing everyone’s rooms, mine was possibly the worst which added much to my peer influenced but still self inflicted misery. Yesterday morning was spent just trying to get my router and wifi going, it was so frustrating since the day before I was able to get the wifi working but the next morning everything was just out of order ish. Called robin and he got frustrated with me just ranting and being upset about the wifi. I hung up on him cos i didnt wanna hear him shouting or being mad at me. But we’re good now. I guess the distance, time and all were getting to the both of us.

That night I decided to stop. Stop being negative. Stop hating on my current situation-hey ive got a nice spacious room, more than enough to dance in, salsa heels arriving soon, plus my own toilet and shower and a neater than the rest kitchen. Really nothing much to complain esp since I made really nice corridor mates who allowed me to use their wifi! So ill be going to return my rather useless router tmr and prob get a lan cable instead. 

Been not so much in a shopping mood but for food...ive been spending:/ chocolate bars, cookies, bread, salmon, chicken, muffins, grapes, milk, multivitamin juice, broccoli and carrots. I have this feeling my period’s gonna come so oh well, bring it on!

Was talking to robin about lesbians today and i told him I wonder what it would be like dating a lesbian. I guess I was serious about it, like exploring that idea but th more i spoke about it, I guess it kinda scared him a little. But he eventually still did give me the green light should I really have such a ‘lesbian’ phase.  

Anyways, done with reporting my day/life but I guess being on exchange makes me feel, im kinda tired and done with life. Part of me wants the easy way out, finish asap and go back home where things are like just slightly more affordable, back with bae and like in weather and daylight that I love and miss so much. Im ‘living like a Spartan’ now but I guess I still feel kinda alright with it. Stopping the self inflicted, peer-influenced depression and complainy attitude really helped miracles. I guess its not about being overly positive but rather always striving to see the mini little goodies we actually have in life. 

[oceansandroses]

pre exchange

Pre exchange thoughts feel everywhere. 

Everything started in Rome where I finally flew and met my dear boy. Missed him so much after being away from him for 5 months. All of a sudden it felt different like hugging him, readjusting to his height, refeeling his shoulders, chest, warmth and us being together again. 

Those feelings and touches felt weird yet so special. Something I held so dear yet was somewhat forgotten after awhile and yet they felt familiar again too. 

Rome with Robin was new. I had to refigure how to Google maps things and the roads and traffic was really insane. Cars drove randomly, and as our tour guide for a free walking tour said, traffic regulations to Italians in Rome were simply suggestions. It was amazing how we saw cars reverse, just so they could u turn into a road they missed or like cars parallel parked on the road divider like thing between a lamp post and a tree or how driving on road shoulders were such a norm, it was normal to create your own new lane if you felt the need to. Wew. 

Rome in general had really pretty architecture everywhere, I especially liked the colosseum, vatican city and pantheon. There were many structures around Rome that looked liked a mini pantheon, as I love to tell Robz. Heh. Rome felt really cold at the start, it was sub 10 but I mean i came from SG, sub 10 was cold..We initially encountered much issues with the car, since many car companies wanted a credit card. We almost gave up and I had to even transfer Robz money to pay for the car cos he didnt have enough. 

Throughout the entire trip, Robin really took great care of me and helped me with the luggage which obviously was a huge burden. I finally am realizing the gravity of my burdensome luggage when I was alone in Prague and in germany with Sharm. 

We then moved to Florence which is possibly by far my favorite city, its pretty and like kinda high end at the same time so my kinda thing. Food in italy is generally pricey, each meal is about 12-15 euros. But my fav meal thus far was a meal on boxing day where we went to the Pantheon and got ‘lured’ into a restaurant cos they offered us free champagne which was delicious and super good looking pictures of pasta. I had the seafood pasta which was tomato based and it was beyond amazing. Loved every drip of it. 

As with thinking about food, it links well to our very active physical life with Robz. Sex with him was absolutely mindblowing and every time feels so good. It literally feels like you cant focus on anything, just on him being in you and how good it feels. He turns me on so much and so well its insane. Yet with all that, it feels comfortable to be with him, to do everything, even when we get weird noises while having sex, he makes everything normal, safe and loved. 

After Florence was Bologna where we incurred the largest expense thus far, a $65 euro fine for not scanning our tickets on the bus when we were just about to leave the city. Ugh. But Robz got so mad at it, he threw the tickets on the floor and wasnt too nice. I got his frustration but I was worried too. it kinda scared me a little but it was alright, we’re all human and it was normal for people to get mad. Post Bologna was Verona where it was the place for Romeo and Juliet. We stayed in a nice wineyard and sex that night was messy but good as usual. I cant really imagine having sex with anyone else ever. 

We moved on from Verona to Villach and Vienna where it was possibly another beautiful city that I really liked. Things were cheap and Vienna and I saw my first encounter with snow there plus we had super amazing and yummy and hot pho. Pardon the english but it felt perfect. 

Countdown to the new year was in Venice where it was kinda nice, we reached venice really early and we had much time to kill plus it was really cold so guess what. we both kinda crashed in the prayer area in the Church. We were tired so...forgive us, We caught the fireworks which were kinda blocked by the buildings before rushing off th catch our train. However with the bad signages, we failed and missed our train by like 4 minutes. Robz got a lil upset again but it was alright, he calmed down soon. Im so glad we’ve got each other in this. In every situation Ive got him, calming him down doesnt make or get me too mad so its a great thing! Eventually after 2 hours of waiting at the cold terminal we boarded th 2.50am train back home. We even tried opening our neighbors door omg. Oh there in the lil town near Venice, hungry us shared a huge yummy pizza for dinner in the car. YUM. 

After Venice was Prague. Robz started feeling really sad about leaving me and I didnt realize, Time with him felt perfect. Only till the day before he flew I cried hugging him on the escalator. I wished so hard he could stay but that wasnt really possible I guess. Sending him to the airport was the most painful thing I possibly did, I cried alot. I didnt have much appetite for breakfast, although I was hungry and all that crying made me puke all my pasta out.

okay i must sleep for tmr’s castle 

[oceansandroses]

Cave hunting in Laos

Went for a little trek with the team to explore the ‘caves’. Or so we thought we could explore much. Karl was our tour guide & it was a pretty scenic & breathtaking sight. 

The fresh air & fresh blackish brown cows dung along with the little rocks & humps as we progressed. But what really struck me was th rain as we headed back due to the rain. Behind our house was a line of mountains. There was grey mist/ fog just surrounding the peak. At that instant, it struck me with how it would feel to be right on the top. Just standing on the peak of the mountains & looking up. 

Would I be tall or high enough to touch the clouds, having hte mist around me? Feel like Im finally & really on top of the so-called ‘mini world’ we were at?Ideally looking at the mountain, probably so. Pardon the english grammar but practically speaking, probably not. It would be jusy me & the fog just so darn close to me, so within my reach bu yet never with or beside me. Its the feeling of being on the top, alone but yet still not there. Still not making it. Just that with a possble social audience that feels or acknowledges your height & acehievement being ‘there’.

Being there but not.

Reaching but never touching.

Somehow only we know.

It feels desperately solitary & cold to be so alone being at the top. How much did the climb up to the peak cost? Financially, physically & emotionally? How acknowledged was it & will it be? How long would it last?

Distracted.

And when we’re finally at the top but yet not there, how does it feel? Robz said he was being extra normal LOL by being quiet. He said waking up every morning to 25 people for so long & so many days feels rather overwhelming. He just needed his peace & inner quietness I guess. 

I understood but Im fearing what if one day its like that for us, if im finally too loud, too noisy & maybe too overwhelming for & to him that he needs a break, an escape & a breather? What if after years of being tgt omg am i delusional that we’re tgt now but what if after those years, he leaves? 

He leaves but never comes back. 

Its just one of my inner fears

[oceansandroses]

Mini Laos journal

Today I realized this boy is really just a boy that I dont think i’ll ever get bored of.

He loves spraying others mischieviously with the water spray (used to keep us fresh from the Laotian heat), just to annoy & to watch the reaction of others. It starts with Tyson, his face, his body before the crotch area. To make him wet, drenched. 

Boys will be boys, seems like it will never die when you’re describing him. 

It then evolved to a roomie affair amongst everyone. He’s shoot, Jiachen would duck. Hide from his shooting, using his water bottle, the chair etc and everything. I’m glad he found his playmate while I died from a tummyache. 

After the dig, we went for a beer or rather the mama shop where he joined them/us. I had my banana chips & he had a glass of beer. #raresightsofmanliness <3

Kidding but I guess he does try not to drink so much as he would like when I’m around or when Im not drinking. not that I refrain him or anything. I casually mentioned my SP saying he wanted to go for beer/cider with sharm and I. It was legit totally unintentional.

Yet surprisingly, after dinner he asked me if I intentionally tried to make him jealous and that he was a little jealous. I was really shocked but I was so glad. So happy, so blessed that I fell for him. (a guy like him)

I was happy cos he actually communicated with me that I know he was upset or angry about it. I never felt happier. Trust me, I really really felt like hugging him & telling him how happy I was. Thank you babe. Of course my SP was nothing, nobody to worry about. 

Coax was what I did & he believed me. It felt like he was just gonna be him, my boy, my silly boy. 

Thank you silly. 

He tries, he observes & he really listens really hard. He watches games, others play phone games,tries every game on possibly everyone’s phone yet he’s good at all of them even if its his 1st time playing. Com meeting/ debrief sessions is where he really tries to listens really hard to everyone, what they have to say or offer-always trying to learn from the rest it feels, although I kinda smoke my way through a lot. LOL. Typical soci kid #whatsnew

Occasionally I get a grin from him cos I try to offer him a wide sheepish ‘I’m sorry babe but know I really really really like you’ smile? I just melt in return internally, each time he smiles. 

This boy’s got me so smitten. 

Monopoly deal is where we both die. Badly. but this evening, like a proud boy, he came up to me with a grin. ‘I just won a round of monopoly deal this afternoon.’ :D (that million dollar beam) Hehe i beamed back. From inside out, I felt his happiness & I genuinely felt happy with him. Instances we’re happy togther. I cant be more blessed. 

Oh & he sings so beautifully too. With with the blackout, I lose my train of thoughts. 

We played monodeal together with Chris too. I was the ccountant, Chris-property agent & he managed the action cards. Haha. Being the sweetest boy too, he refilled my bottle for me with warm water after knowing I was having diahrrea for the 5th time already. 

Alright going back to him, oh wait Im worried that I get overly touchy or I miss him too much when he’s away in Sweden in Sem 1. I really really like him. This little boy’s charm & innocence & effort never fails to melt me. 

I honestly cant wait to be his. Oh first impresion of him:

Quiet, kinda scary, serious, intimidating. 

He said his 1st impression of me was a bitch but hot.HAHAHAH thanks for saying I was hot then babe.

Calling him babe & a boy is kinda contradicting but its really him in essence. And he’s just leaning on my leg as I write them as he ends his monodeal game lol. His arm is rested casually but ‘rightfully’ on my thigh. Hehe that sense of ownership though #totsdiggingthat

Kay thats all for now

[oceansandroses]

Robin

Just a boy with a special sparkle. 

He doesn't say much, has an RBF (resting bitch face) and yeah falls into the typical category of engine boys. 

But he stands out. 

He takes a lot of initiative- going to Laos with him allowed me to see how much he wanted to help, to dig and to give as much as possible. He’d dig longer and hard with much effort (even thou he used one arm- he trying to keep both arms equally toned #firstworldproblems I know). During cluster cooking, he went around to other groups (both the muachi and rojak side) to help with the cutting, mixing of ingredients and even joining the factory line to help serve the rest of the villagers that came to try our Singaporean foods.

One day th girls were being ‘domesticated’ and we were making loom bands. I wanted to make one for him but I didn’t think he would wear & it was pretty cheesy to wear coupley loom bands. Loom bands enough alrdy, still couple lol. okay pardon my self-judging.Anyways, so I didnt make him a band but instead I made Lucas one, he wanted one, so I just made him one lol. I was legit bored.  Then I asked him what he thought of it, he was like ‘Huh you never make for me, need me to ask you then you will make uh. Hmph.’ 

That silly boy. Him being that little grumpy was beyond adorbz. And of course I made him a band, with both green and black involved. (he chose those 2 colors) It was a dark green, green and black band. He watched me make his band and idk who taught him but he started making me a band too. His was a myriad of colors, with no fixed patterns or colors. But it felt so genuine, so unpretentious and carefree. That randomness but beauty. He makes loom bands faster than me too. #fyi I think I need to up my loom band game..

On our first date or nice meal together, where we celebrated the end of finals, he suggested a nice Italian place at SAM where not only was he early but he bought me a really pretty orange gerbera (type of daisy-in case i forget and have to google). It was the same one he got me for JDC when he came to watch. #reasons why you date boys who dont drive-because you really can feel how much they care for you and the amount of effort they put in. That silly boy, he didn’t even realize or know how much I really wanted him to watch. But of course if he didn’t get dance or liked dance, I didnt wanna make him pay for tickets just to see me on stage for like 2/3 minutes. Not really worth that $12. But he did! (I melt everytime I think about it )

He texted me right before the show telling me he was outside and would be watching the show. I obv went into panic mode, getting really nervous and jittery. I wondered if he would spot him amongst all the girls and stuff. 

When he passed me the gerbera, he was kinda shy, a little awkward and like he said Jian Hong and him shared to get the flower for me. While jianhong secretly was telling me that ‘No la, the entire flower is from him la, not me.’ They probably shared Idk, each gerbera was only $2, so I wasnt really sure but it was so sweet(: 

There was also this time where we went out for dinner ( we had ramen, cos I had a craving, he suggested miam miam initially). He always suggests really nice places for food, I'm beyond blessed but I'm worried he does that to please me. He’s such a simple guy, stale coffee bean cake still tastes good to him, he’s happy with instant noodles, cant taste much of what makes up his food as long as its good or edible, he doesn’t complain. I’ve got so much to learn from him, got to be less picky with my food. But anyways, at the end of the night, he offered to take the train with me back and I didn’t realize he wanted to even walk me home. I was so touched and happy. We were both pretty worn out by that time and he had such an early start, a morning run in camp at 730 while I slept happily till 10/11 before I had work. (i think) The poor boy had to go back to ntu for work the next day. 

‘Babe, dont need la, you just go back from here, tmr you got work.’

‘No, never mind, I rarely get to walk you home.’ 

I’ve never been happier or more thankful for someone like him to be in my life.

He buys me my fav Maltesers even though I’m down with flu & cough but I was grumpy/moody-ish. The thought of choc still counts in brightening me up and he surprised me with it & yes a bottle of not so nice but alright tasting antelope horn liang cha. He bought barley too, in case I didnt want th antelope thingie. How thoughtful(:  

Thank you for making me always so happy and blessed to have you around. 

My sparkle boy. 

[oceansandroses]

hitting

I feel myself falling. tumbling. breaking. shattering silently. 

I dont think im behaving like the typical girl or woman where they grief during the process of separation and be back up on their feet ready to fight their subsequent wars once the procedure and all is over. 

I thought i was able to stand up, on both my feet, walk, run and even fly alone. but here I am crumbling because of myself. 

Of the busiest days ever, I miss you so bad. I really do babe. I wish you could read this, see this and know how much I really really just wish you could be here to just give me a hug or tell me its late and I shld stop studying. Everything will be alright. and chase me to bed, and tuck me in. Ending everything as you always do with a forehead kiss. 

It really comforts me. 

Im sorry for being so weak. just melting and crying my eyes out halfway while doing my readings for tmr. My paper is lol soaked. And Sharm just said, ‘Love is just a word, until you find someone to give it definition.’

talk about coincidences. 

[oceansandroses]

when it finally hurts

I finally realized it finally hurts when you see yourself and you’re just all alone, defenseless and there. 

After Vind and I ended things, it felt like a final peaceful end. it hurt, but i felt so numb. I couldnt cry despite seeing and feeling how much pain he was in. The tears just didnt feel like rolling out. it was only in bed, looking thru our past photos did it hit me how much he actually loved me, and how much he gave just trying, trying to win me back from myself, my friends and my ego. But, egoistic and stubborn I refused, for the past 6 months. 

So today, I met him again, he came from his blast camp to pass me a inflatable alien toy he got me from a random party he attended. He said he got it for me and I was to decide what to do with it. Then he talked about Justin. For once, he didnt ask me what did I say to Justin but rather he said he didnt know what I said but he showed me what justin said. Justin basically said I was a girl just being with Vind for benefits, I told justin things werent possible in the future but yet the nxt moment  I allowed Vind to hold my hand. It was very wtf. Looking back yeah I did do those things, say there wasnt a future with us together and yet holding his hand, while we left the gym and while he drove justin back. 

My reasoning/excuse/rebuttal is that if I didnt let Vind hold my hand, aftr gymming, if I didnt want to hold his hand suddenly and started being super bitchy it wasnt right. Vind would be so wth and lost on what he did wrong. I would basically be putting up a ‘show’ for justin to show my actions match my thoughts. My approach was more of what I did, to take things naturally, normally and like when I felt there was more alone time, and I felt that things really wouldnt work out right, and I was being constantly harrassed by the issue of us, I would break it to him, and yeah, try to end things off, hopefully not so bitterly and bad. This entire self-rationalization process still seems to make sense to me. I wouldnt have to act, I mean holding his hand isnt that bad, I like it. Its familiar, its comfortable and it felt safe, still. 

I still wonder to myself how in love am I with him still? How could I feel all that, how could I still like holding his hand but yet self rationalize, persuade and all to leave him. My parents being very against our relationship often came as the top reason, the most logical one. But yet my brother’s words always rang in my head, ;aiya, if you really want, its still between you two one la, mommy & daddy cannot do anything one.’ 

Anyways, back to Justin, after reading that text, I never felt more betrayed honestly and upset. I felt justin and I could talk the most, we were teh closest and he tried to help Vind get me back, txting me and all, but now all was gone. I was basically some girl that just wanted a good life, I was in things for the benefits and a hypocrite. thats it. nothing left. Im still glad he wants the best for Vind, but it felt like an ally just turn enemy-ish. But I also felt that me feeling that way was the perfect epitome of my self-worth dangling based on others judgment on myself. Bottom line, it felt like I was a crowd pleaser but I fucked up. My rep was gone. and I hated myself for acting like a hypocrite. I did act like one, no denial, and prob no amount of self-reasoning actually will be able to negate that but as what an article I previously read, I need to choose my own battles wisely and I will always have to bear my own crosses (Marcus, 2015) lol so this is me, hurting, hating and helpless.

[oceansandroses]

Thank you

Nothing's ever what we expect But they keep asking where we're going next All we're chasing is the sunset

I guess after so long, finally Im really walking away, letting you go and being alone. Being on my own. 

Im sorry for all the immature things I did in the past, I know and I admit I have an ego, a pretty darn huge ego. And as much as I gave into your ego, you got hurt giving into mine too. When I wanted ‘time off’, I became a cold, emotionless bitch, when I wanted company, you were that call away. Or rather a txt away, since you don’t really like calling. You drove me to hall, upon my last minute request without asking why, (only till the end) as much as you hate rushing to do things. 

Tonight feels like flashback night, where I rmb our first pedestrain night tgt, my birthday where you gathered all my friends for me, planning my surprise when you knew I was being so upset thinking my friends forgot about me. Exams were closing in, and you brought me to JB for the first time by bus. It was a wonderful experience, had the most elaborate dinner too, and you hand-peeled every prawn I ate, and bought my dragonbreath. It really felt like a mini holiday where I ended it with my fav choc blended smth bubble tea and an chocolate oreo crepe. You’ve been a great guy, honestly. I just don’t see us being together in the long run, I don’t see my mom approving, any other race besides a chinese guy too. 

I really have no idea where i’ll be heading to next, what will happen in my life, but I’ll keep chasing the next sunset. Just heard Hello by Adele, and yes as usual, I’m here blabbering about myself. I hope you’ll be alright and you’ll find a better girl who will love you sincerely from the bottom of her heart, I’m sorry I didnt, but I guess I was too afraid to try and be broken, should things not work out. I wussed out on us but despite that, you still tried and continued to try your best to love me. Thank you. I never regretted having you in my life. 

[oceansandroses]

Its crazy. At how much and how often I have you on my mind. 

I really am clueless why, I think about you literally all th time, wondering whether we’ll really work out eventually or we’ll just be wasting each other’s time. But it feels you’re just good without me, its me that I cant get over you or in th most blunt sense, I’m the one being the option for you. You dont feel like an option to me. Sharm constantly tells me I‘m just being silly, we’re not made for each other, and somehow I know that there’s some truth to it, or rather it feels like there’s some truth to it. But I just don’t know why you’re just stuck. I’m just stuck thinking and missing you like crazy.

The last time I saw you was Sun, where you got damn sweet and wanted quite badly lol to send me to hall, some part of me was really touched, it felt like you were actually doing something nice and like somewhat making up to me? It was refreshingly new, cos it felt so different and so gentlemanly. 

Then the week came, we barely texted. I txted you to remind you to have lunch and like stay indoors cos th haze was being quite a bitch. But that was about it. I do get that we have our own lives but it felt like I was somewhat having a LDR, you were barely there. You’ve been v active and enthu about dance, t sending me your vids and stuff but thats it. It just feels like you’re just wanting or txting me only for my opinions on your dancing and all. Im just useful advice to you and THATS IT. That was all I was worth. 

Im lost. really at what we are or what I should do. Should I just let you go, since its just struggling and like re-learning how to swim, when you’re alrdy doing laps. You feel like you havent got any space, time, spare emotions for me. I know I was th one who said I wanted to play, but maybe what Sharm said was right, bcos of you, I’ve just been subconsciously shutting out every guy who wants or comes close to me. I havent got any spare emotion for any one. You have my all right now babe. Can I even call you my babe anymore? I dont even know. 

[oceansandroses]

Im lost. I wonder if I ever told you abt this blog, what would your thoughts be. Would you hate my past? Would you still like me as much? But somehow I want you to know my thoughts and feelings. Still. Regardless. 

Im lost with you too. I dont know what or how I should feel. I just know its always easy to go back to something easy and familiar. Someone comfortable, like you. But will we last eventually? I really don’t know. I have so many other random fears if we actually get together again. Somehow I’m lost at why you think Marcus might be a threat to you. Marcus and I are just close friends in my opinion. When I’m lost and upset about you, when I feel like an emotional wreck, he gives me sociological answers most of th time, to help me rationalize myself. But he’s busy with work, him working and me being in uni where we’re both in different stages of life kinda suck. It reminds me of my ldr days, where Shawn was just so far and what he was going thru-uni, lol- was so different from what I know. 

Honestly, part of me wants to just move on with life. away from you. yeah, just move on. I hate being caught in this middle ground where Im like lonely and hence emotionally vulnerable and you can be there for me. And I accept you, cos I prob just need someone at that point in time. I dont want you to be like a random substitute till I actually fall for someone or visa versa. These are such deep and hidden thoughts buried in me. Another big reason why Im resisting us so much is also bcos my mom will prob nvr accept you being indian. Honestly, it’ll hurt her quite badly. im okay, but she wont. The cultural differences, I really dont know if we’ll overcome it well, if our love would be strong enough. There will always be a gap, where we try our best to adapt and be comfortable with what we have. But long term speaking, will that toil and tear us down emotionally and physically? I really have no answer to. The 20 year old me, is clueless. Maybe Im scared and resistant to too much change too, I have to admit. it feels like a state of anomie mixed with overregulations, I’m lost but there are too many rules around. 

[oceansandroses]

Somehow I kept thinking about you intermittently. Maybe my family’s just stressing me out and I just need someone that I know can and will be there for me when I feel down, lonely and all. 

My parents feel that I dont understnd them, like Im being too harsh and spendthrift. Even after the fire, my mom feels that I didnt ‘grow up’ and shoulder up more things. Maybe she’s right, honestly. I just wanted to forget all the bad things that happened, the fire haunts me still. I wanna move pass that phase of life. I know there will be much damage, financially and emotionally to everyone, but thats why I wanna move on so much. I honestly dont think I’ve been spending alot lately, max random expenditures this week was $1 on a froyo at KFC and $1.65 on barley after dance ystd. Have been craving to shop online, I admit but I know jcrc can be a huge financial burden anytime. Bomb drops, like night cycling, just the bikes alone, 100 bikes= $1000. And I’d need money to cover the safety van which is $500 deposit + $80-90 for a one-day rent. OCIP trip for nxt yr is gonna start their $200/month collection and thats a huge amount. For my allowance at least. So, I’m gna be pretty much broke all the time. ALl this shit is just for my own expenses. I wna work part time too, but I’ve got jcrc, studies and salsa. Barely enough rest most of the week, prob expt weekends. Sigh. 

But i really wanna try to better understand my parents. I dont mean to intentionally create or hurt them with whatever I have or wanna say. I know they’re getting old, they’re starting to function slower and might require more assistance in th stuff they do and I get it. But it doesn’t really help when my mom constantly nags and says we’re gonna be broke and that there’s no money and all. So I suggest my dad to work and then both my parents get mad at me. I know it isnt the first time i told him to try working again, and he might have his own issue but that’s prob the most logical reason in my opinion to solve the current financial issue. We’re still surviving, just saying, proper meals, house and all still. 

Okay, im done ranting. lol I dont think theres actually much to do with anyone haha 

[oceansandroses]

Dreams

Kept waking up last night. I crashed pretty early, before midnight. 

Dreams kept me ‘awake’. 

In my dream, I dreamt I was in some battle, that I had to fight some war. And apparently one of the opposition teams’s guys was Shawn. Eventually after some crazy ass drama, where I was caught having a softspot for him and taking a sword to attack him from the back, I attacked. After 2 stabs, he fell. He was badly wounded, in pain and I never felt more upset. Images of us being together came back. How he loved Batman, hence joining this crazy adventure, where we had to go on a 100m long flying fox across a huge room with a cemented hole. That room felt like an abandoned store room where it turned ‘hunger games’. It was weirdly scary. 

Then flashbacks to his track days, where I would always without fail go down to support his races. Carry his foam roller and hug him each and everytime he finishes no matter how sweaty he gets. I would always be so so proud of him. My hero. My Usain Bolt. His arms would be lean, muscular with veins popping out intriguing me but scaring me how veiny he can actually get. He had the perfect body in my opinion. I guess thats why I have a thing for track guys, guys who run. And Shawn was the epitome of them all. He was the best. And he was mine, once upon a time.

Memories hit me like a train, all the #throwbacks just flushing through my brain. Memories about us and him. It was rarely a bad day with him, somehow it felt good to play subordinate under him. Being his Robin, aka his sidekick.

He made me the best pastas, with the best meatballs anyone could ever ask for, gave me a shitload of pasta which I could never resist (yes, I finished all of it), went with me for blood donations, it was his 1st and he was terrified of needles, that silly boy. He’d drive down to mine and park at the all time expensive parking lots at mount elizabeth just to study and find me. 

I miss him. right now. after so long, its been almost 2 years since we broke up but he always stays, somewhere deep down in my little memory box. I hope he’s doing fine now, happier and having fun coaching. Thank you for the memories :’)  

 ps even this blog was set in exchange with his haha