okkkkkanddddd

[okkkkkanddddd]

Make the video of being in love

make the video

i deas - he cuts his nails every 6 months 

- building a shelf going on a hike

[okkkkkanddddd]

i had sex with oliver . It lasted 15 seconds . from that experience i noticed that i actually dont really like sex and the pleasure and intimacy is not something that means a lot to me. i was relly flattered by how short of a time it was because i couldnt get bored or have intrusive thoughts about my family being abusive during it.

i think that i only care about the man , the only real pleasure i get from sex is male validation . this is probably extremely sexist and low self esteemy but its just how i feel. i dont think i truly enjoy sex despite my addiction to presenting myself as a sexual being .

[okkkkkanddddd]

The aftereffects of ritalin makes me want to mutilate myself . I get a lot of work done on it tho .

[okkkkkanddddd]

Meryem

I spent my wednesday nights with Meryem 

It started off with seeing her at the start of my shift and thinking “fuck it's going to be a good shift” .

My eyes would alway scan where she stood and every time she walked past me i felt the need to tell her how important her presence was to me she smelt of turkish hand sanitiser . 

she enjoyed life as it was and there was something so pure about that . She was an oxymoron in that she had no idea what she was doing but somehow had it all figured out. 

I think she has a special place in my heart because i wanted to be unapologetically myself when i was with her. Without realising i think she induced that out of people  . She looked like a very judgemental arab girl but was like the weirdest most funny and  goofy ball of warm energy you could ever meet.

I hope she eventually realises how great she is and how much better she deserves.

 She put a lot of effort into how she presented herself and for that i thank her for keeping my eyes busy because in retail hell all you see is the same things all the time. She looked so good i would think shed end up with a billionaire building contractor ceo in dubai or something.

thinking about it i hope she does .I really felt like she deserves the world 

I love falling in love with girls because you don't get jealous . its extremely humbling because i know i could never end up with her and i don't think i wanted to, i think i just wanted to love her in that way . from a distance . nothing but good vibes .

i enjoyed seeing her smile and laugh. 

the enigma that was Meryem 

nothing but love 

Shilpa 

[okkkkkanddddd]

Mulberry tree 19/10/2022

the mulberry tree we picked berries from 

licking the sweet red  juice off your palm

a piggy back under the tree 

ill have you wrap your arms around my knees

and ill find comfort on your back 

my head tucked in your neck

[okkkkkanddddd]

distracting myself

frog

disgruntled 

larger and more lathargic 

stanley from the office 

stillness /water

renaissance - dark background harsh contrasting shadows

[okkkkkanddddd]

6/10/2022

So oliver ended up confessing his feelings to me . i feel stupid but at the same time i knew how close we were and that it was rare that male and female friendships lasted without one of them confessing their feelings .

im stressed because of uni 

i kinda want time alone i dont want to see anyone that isnt harsha. 

today im thinking about Alicia . i hate how she is seeing someone wayyy older but i feel like i cant say anything about it because its her choice and she is going to choose not to open up to me and think im judgemental.

I keep thinking of sam . i think he is racist cause his family is . his mum said my mum didnt like him because we were classist ( which we are duh doi ) and how it was funny because we were “ indians ourselves” . i think she is shallow minded and one dimensional and already has ideas about me . i can't wait to be fake nice to this bitch . i am really curious to meet her though . i want to know if she secretly wants to fuck her son .

i drink things really fast because im scared they are going to get room temperature and im gonna hate it . im learning to drink my drinks slower

[okkkkkanddddd]

5/10/2022

Ive moved back home and tried to resist temptation from moving back in with Sam  . my job feels hopeless and the upside to moving home is that i dont need that much money and if i need it i will ask my mum . i like having a break from work . it really did drain my soul to have been at that job . i kept telling myself it was because i was meant for better things and that eveyrtime i fucked up or someone said something about me it didnt matter because anyone could do this job and the only reason they needed me to be better was for their selfish capitalistic gain . 

im friends with oliver again . he is trying his hardest in this relationship . i think he feels awful for how things ended in highschool . i like my relationshiop with him but sometime i cant help but think he is doing all of this because he likes me . but not likes me where he geniunley wants to be with me but because im pretty and i do spontaneous things out of my stupidy  that appears cool to someone on the outside. I have a habit of always jumping the gun on things and having control over situations. i think i just need to learn to trust again and know that our relationship is pure. 

I feel conflicted more now than ever because i dont feel like i am moving . like i am cursed . like whatever my dad said is manifesting in my brain and becoming true. Im glad i dont have stockhollm sydrome like my sister. i dont want to protect anyone who has executed bad things onto me knowingly and used me as some kind of trophy to hold up against other people in the indian community. Everytime i talk about my dad i feel like i have control over what has happened to me . like i can recognised ive been a victim from evil family members . i do know alot of him still lives within me but its one day at a time. i talked about him yesterday to sam .

I want to break up with Sam . ive been feeling like breaking up with him for some time now. but in between that time ive felt an urge to fight for this relationship with my life. i dont know why , maybe because i dont want this to be just another guy i go through that people will remind me of . or maybe tis because i question ABSOLITLY EVERYTHING so when i question a relationshiip i dont even believe myself if i dont like the person . 

Sam touches me and is hardy considerate of what happens to me . he grabs my thighs with keys in his hands , he constatnly pushes me off the bed or off couches , he throws things at me  and when i say it hurts he doesnt care or he will say sorry and just do it again. i have made him aware that i get very upset about this . He doesnt care about what i have to say half the time and talks over me with a stupid noise or joke. i feel like im dating a primary school kid. He is way too invested in the lives of our other friends ( female friends) when i was ranting and crying about my trauma with my dad i mentioned a scenario to compare with my other friend and he seemed to be very interested in that scenario about her than what was going on with me. he kept persisting even though he knew i was getting irritated . i dont feel like he deserves me opening up to him. sometimes i wish i never dated him and we were just friends. i also dont feel like he is the right guy for me because . he doesnt understand my family and constantly makes me feel like im using my trauma as an excuse.

[okkkkkanddddd]

hi

im in a healthier state. im starting to tell the truth to people . i am getting closer to my unapologetic self that ive always wanted. im admitting the sad things about me outloud and the beauty of that is its not that sad when its out there in fact people can help/relate.

ive been eating less and my skins been clearing up . im not starving myself and i know the dangers of eating less but i seem to like myself better when my stomach is shrunk and it takes a little less food to make me full. i feel like im working on accepting the truth about myself . 

DIv called , i always felt sorry for him. I admitted i say his name alot in my head and it comes out . tl the point where im saying his name out loud  in an empty house with a cat looking at me. He told he was seeing someone and i felt strange . Like i felt happy for him . he admires this girl , in his hopelessy romantic self , like keep hair that ive cut off , keep my pom pom up and cry about showing my boobs to other people way . He talks highly of this girl and i guess i miss that cause i know its genuine . she does fashion design, i can imagine she is cool and likes things he does. im happy for him but i feel extremely sad cause it was sweet for a moment in time . i wouldnt change where we are .

[okkkkkanddddd]

my avoidance is paralysing 

i avoid things so much its easier to deal with the repurcussions of avoiding a 5 minute confrontation with someone. im too nervous and my interactions with people are so weird. 

i would rather have the whole world collapse on me right now than write and email to my professor explaiingi why i didnt differ but instead left without telling anyone and failing all my subjects 

i feel weird and stiff 

i am addicted to social media and distracting yself from doing what i need to do . i cant have a moment to myself without getting anxiety

maybe i need to see someone. during my silences i think of everyo

[okkkkkanddddd]

Title

i am too tired to leave the house i hate going outside. i can't think for too long without eventually reaching my family trauma. i get bitter and grind my front teeth when i get there  , i can quantitate how much i do that because my teeth feel rather worn down. Sam is starting uni and i guess that's my que to leave and start my own lil damage control journey of my life. i feel off all the time . i feel sick and tired most of the time . i dont want to go home . the idea of moving to a new city terrifiys me but makes more sense than staying at home. 

i wish i knew how  much of the hardships i carry were easily shared. i was sick for a week and sam took care of me . it was the little things that got to me like when i am sleepy on the couch after korra how i dont want to get up pack up the food i cooked and heat up the heating packs for my back .

i love change . i hate stagnacy so much i will destroy anything that is finished and cant be changed in the direction of pregoress. instinctly i destroy things i work on because it has stayed perfect too long and i get bored even thiough its still being adored by other people.

[okkkkkanddddd]

[okkkkkanddddd]

Pink Hair era

I have pink hair now