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Always loving, never loved.

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Open letter to you, dear Joker,

It may seem funny to you, but I did love you, even though it is not romantic. I treated you much more, like a family, with respect and admiration that I thought you deserved. I was wrong, as now I am filled with grief over your betrayal.

I put you on the pedestal, and maybe that is one of my errors. I trusted your words too much, not knowing they were merely lies spun at the moment you opened your mouth. I thought you treated me the same way I did, and now it ended this way. Funny.

I do not know what offended me more, you telling me lies, you telling people you used me as I was convenient, or that you're the one who ended this friendship because I look like "your side chick." Either way, it is as clear as a summer day that you created a mistake. With the way you talk, it is also comprehensible that you do not think you're in the wrong, with the way you try to flip the situation, and in some way, you did.

I admit, I wished for your retribution, as it felt like you ripped open my heart from what you've done. But there are times like now when I cannot help but be sad about our situation. Should've I handled that better? Should've I stuck by your side and helped you as you clearly need it? Should I stay despite being betrayed, despite you offering no apologies and only excuses?

You may think we won because people won't talk to you anymore because of what you did. Or maybe you think that you won since you did not get reprimanded when we reported you since your aunt is one of the deans. Nevertheless, I truly think that both of us lost. This is a losing game from the start. All that we gain is nothing but pain.

I know the true you is what I am seeing at this moment; proud, arrogant, narcissistic, and ignorant. You were not who I befriended. I know you made that persona to manipulate me, just like you did to all of those women, but I cannot help but weep. It feels as if my friend died, and you're the one who killed him.

People may say that I am overreacting, but they can never know how hard it is for me to look at you and pretend I do not know you. I should've known better that my friend isn't you, and that I should move on. I cannot, and I doubt I will. You will always be one of my biggest heartbreak.

I feel too much, and yet words cannot seem to explain them.

Still, I do not forgive you even though I still love you. May we be content with ourselves and find peace without each other's presence.

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I regret that I loved you that way. I once compared my love to people like fire. I guess it is fire, it burned me to the core.

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It's been so long since I posted here. I guess it did get better? Or it did not. Haha.

I almost stopped going to college. Opened up to my parents (didn't work). Got into dorm. Re-studied year 1. Still working on my shit.

The most regrettable thing that I did is that I opened up to my parents. All they did was to blame me and my friends. Told them they're the problem but they didn't believe shit. Didn't get me help that I need. They treat me more and more like an outcast. Sent catholic posts and prayers to me. I got them on mute. Got angry bcs I still have friends. Told me I'm the problem like I didn't even know it. Sometimes I wanna tell them I'm the problem that they made. They treated me like garbage before and now that they know I'm suicidal, everyone's lovey dovey, like they didn't literally treated me that I'm an investment. It's gross, it creeps on my skin, I don't feel safe, and I wanna stab them and myself whenever they touch me. Horrible. Don't listen to the internet when they tell you it's gonna be okay if you te your family. It doesn't. It gets worst. (This is only for people with toxic and abusive family btw). They didn't even know it's abuse. I wanna puke whenever I'm with them. It's silly, but being in the dorms helped me and my nerves, although there are still episodes it wasn't as bad when I'm home. I also had fewer panic attacks there. I thought they forget about me so I was happy.

I got too complacent and went home for this november. Today, I was eating and when my food was about to reach my mouth, he held my hand and told me I cannot eat until I watch something about wasting my time moping etc. and that I shouldn't do that (like I didn't know it huh).

Of course I got angry, I was literally about to eat and then suddenly he held my hand. I can watch it while I'm eating, what's the fuss for? So of course, I, being hangry, told him off out of surprise. I said, jokingly, "Bastos ka ah" translation "You know, you're being rude" and he was livid. Almost slapped me with his shoe. Told me I was the one who's rude and that I shouldn't treat them like that.

Then he told me things, like I'm only here because I'm benefitting from this family, I didn't changed, I am a horible person. That I didn't love them.

I wanted to tell them that once upon a time, there's this girl who truly loved her parents. She did everything for them. Dedicated herself for them. Promised that she would live solely for them.

But her parents, even though she loves them very much, did not show their love for her. They thought that their daughter will only need money and criticism to survive. They did not bat an eye when she has awards, but has this look of dismay, telling she should've been better. They called her an investment, a caretaker when they're older, so they taught her to be good academically. But there was one thing that they forgot. They didn't taught her how to love and function as a human. They didn't gave her anything, but told her that she should pay them back after studying college. That her life is borrowed and they should receive monetary payment. That after that, she should pay for them and her siblings' living, as it is just and fair.

I wanted to tell him that yes, I do not love you. Once, I did, but you killed that love. You did not taught me how to feel things, or to forgive people. You gave me money, but never gave me a heart. Never gave me a soul. I am a doll that's only benefitting from you, yes. Like you are training me to be. I am your investment after all, but you pay large for that. So for now, I am benefitting from this relationship. Don't worry, I'll pay all those borrowed money that you gave me to live.

But don't ask more from me. I once loved you from my body to soul, but you ruined it all. I can't forgive you, but I will pay you. Just like a good investment that I am.

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I feel extremely bad. My mother said to my sister that she's the worst of us, just because she can't let my brother borrow her charger as she is charging her phone too.

Now it may be a mystery as to why I feel bad. The explanation: my sister looks like me. She gets compared to me everyday by everyone, at least the adults that I know. Her teachers that are once my teachers, our parents, relatives, and close friends. Hell, they even call her MY name. Someone even told me when I'm with her that they didn't know my sister exists and it's only me and my brother. It didn't helped that I was once an overachiever; trying to please everyone.

I was over that part of my life. I cannot say that I am happy now, but I am in the way I guess. But what I did before reflects on my sister badly- what I did, she needs to do better. I won't be surprised if she hates me, I'll even accept it.

I feel bad that everyday, she's being mistaken as me, the expectations that my mother set to me went all to her, and even the abuse did. I cannot say it isn't a favorable outcome for me- I got my freedom, my shackles are broken. But I don't want them to experience what I did- the scorn, pressure, abuse. What's even funny is when I asked them why they abused me; they did not know it was abuse and proceeds to do it again and again. The ignorance, I'm so done. It seems to me as if I'm the bad guy, as I passed everything that they gave me on her. I'm trying to speak for her, but I just cannot win with how my mother says it is "disrespectful" for us to explain things- which is talking back for her- and even harder since my father just watches the show while stopping us, calling us unkind as they are our parents. I can't explain our side, I can't protect them, I can't even tell my parents what they are doing is wrong as they don't listen.

You know what's worse than that? My mother, attending a party, told another mother that it is acceptable to hit their own kids as it is "training" them to obey her, like a slave. She laughed while saying that, her exact words "Okay lang naman na paluin mo yung mga bata, tingnan mo ngayon nung tumanda, isang utos ko lang sunod agad kasi takot sakin. Pinapalo ko kasi sila eh" (translation: It's okay to hit your children, look at them now when they get older, one order and they'll immediately follow me in fear. It's because I hit them). I thank the Lord that the woman just laughed it off and said she won't do it, but I'm extremely embarrassed.

Just... Why? Is it fun to hurt us? Saying you spanked us but when I was your only child, I was full of bruises while my father turns blind eye. When I grew up, you said that the way I grew up is bad and you should try another method to my siblings. Are we an experiment? Idk about that, but you said that I was an investment before to my face.

It hurts, but I learned not to care anymore. Learned how to mend myself. Learned not to be dependent and walk on my own. To carry my own pain. However, I do not want my siblings to feel this way. But I guess wishes don't necessarily come true, huh?

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I wish I could die, but I can't kill myself. I don't want to feel this way. I've been pretending to be happy everyday, as they say that if you pretend to be happy, it will come true. I think that's just what are ideals are, but that's not gonna happen.

I wish I could give my life to others so it won't be a waste like this.

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My teacher said to do the things I needed to do. I want to. I want to. I can't. It's funny. I can and can't. It's like my bones are aching. My heart is aching. Every move makes my whole body ache. I think it's psychological. I don't know anymore.

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I don't have the right to be sad. I can't be sad. Can't ve depressed. Can't be stressed. I have everything I can ask for- they're right. I can't feel this way. Can't be this empty. Can't feel like dying. I can't. I can't. I can't. Not this way. No. No. No.

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I'm scared to not do what my purpose is. I'm scared that everything that I see and feel is not real, and I'm just really crazy. I'm scared to hold on to the reality, because what if it's all imaginary? What if I'm only doing this to have false hope?

I'm scared to go on, but I'm also scared to stop. Too scared to live, but also too scared to die. Pathetic.

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Is it bad to follow the cycle?

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Everything is tiring. My solution: I read. It doesn't really work though, because one trigger word and I'm off to the panic world!!! Yeyyy!!! No it's not fucking fun..

I'm so damn tired of these. I want a break.

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Me: reading is my therapy

Also me: *accidentally triggers my suicidal tendencies while reading a book*

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Loving hurts.

Loving is giving a part of your soul to another and letting yourself be broken. It's making the people you love comfortable, because, well, you love them.

Love is easy to give and also easy to break.

Sometimes I don't want to love anymore.

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Ahh yes, emotional trauma. My favourite

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Remember to love urself coz I didn't and fuck I learned the hard way alright

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If no one is depending on me.... I would not be here anymore.

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I wish I have money to pay for therapist instead of venting here on tumblr, but then I remember that mental ilnesses are not openly accepted here and mentally illed people just "lacks God" so they will instead let you join the bible studies.

I'm pretty sure it'll work for me though since reading is one of my coping mechanisms and then I remembered again that I am afraid of people so no :>