outletformylife

[outletformylife]

Why do I want you so badly?

Why is it so fucking hard to move on?

Why are some days so easy?

Why do others feel like I'm still madly in love?

Why was I not enough for you?

Should I have tried harder?

Held on a little longer?

Did you stop finding me attractive?

Is it because I shaved my head?

Was being with me overwhelming?

Was the baby too much to handle?

Did you not love him the way you thought you would?

Was it the pressure to be a father when you knew you weren't ready?

Was it people calling you dad?

Was I not your rock, like you were mine?

Was I just not want you wanted anymore?

Was it no longer fun for you?

Was it me? Or was it you?

Why am I still hung up on you?

Why do I think of you when I look at my son and not his biological father?

Why don't you want to be a part of us?

WHY WAS I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHY?

[outletformylife]

I dont know why I thought having children would remove the sadness and loneliness from my soul

It seems to have made it only larger

Thats not to say I don't love my children with all my heart

I love them more than anything and they are also the reasons I feel worthy

But the hard days are HARD

Harder than I could ever imagine

Days like today where it seemed like endless crying, whether it was the baby or me

The children make me feel worthy of living but I dont feel worthy enough of them

[outletformylife]

Thought I was done here

But maybe just one more entry

Confused would be an understatement

Because I i see your love and I feel your love

You say you've accepted everything I come with

Pregnancy and all

That you potentially and realistically would be the father figure to this baby

No pressure ever put on you and numerous opportunities to let me know that's not what you wanted

Today you bring up adoption?

And not just bring it up but really let me know how you feel upon it

And even though you start with "don't take this the wrong way" you know I would because who wouldn't?

To me it felt you were stating if you were me that's the path you'd choose and that I'm clearly not ready to have another child

I said my bigger fear is my relationship with my 2yr old daughter changing

Her and I share such a strong and close bond that I am not me with her

And I fear for the day I am too busy to share that with her, the fear of pushing her away she no longer craves my love or attention

I fear she'll love someone else more than her momma

And I am not ready for that

And to you that is enough reason to give up my child for adoption

But to me that is just myself being selfish and I could never live with self if I chose that route

And to be honest that route has never and will never cross my path

In the beginning abortion did cross my mind but I also knew that is something I could never get myself to do.

I've chosen this path of motherhood again

And at 6 months you ask me if I should choose adoption?!

I understand that YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

But please tell me if this is not the path you want, which tonight to me you made it clear you didnt.....

Let me go

[outletformylife]

Just love me please

[outletformylife]

I'm ashamed of you and I've been hiding you

I'm not proud to be your girlfriend

Or be pregnant with your child

I dont get excited to come home to you

I dont excited to experience life with you

I just accept you're there

And I know that is unfair

And I have to tell you I do not love you the way I once did.

I did love you

I was head over heels

And as fast as I fell in

I fell out

When I saw your true colors

And my rose colored glasses I no longer wore

I realised inwas in love with who I thought you were

Or who I could make you be

[outletformylife]

I never could fathom someone whondoesnt instantly love their child

The second I found out I was pregnant with my daughter

An overwhelming feeling of love and wholeness came over me

Now I am pregnant again

And......I have never felt so detatched from a child

What am I doing

What do I do

Being a mother is all I've ever wanted

It's what I'm best at

Just looking at my daughter makes everyone ok

I am the lowest piece of shit for feeling the way I do from this baby....

How does a mother not want to mother their unborn

Sometimes I imagine something bad happening and it just proving to me that this was not meant to be.....

Had an ultrasound yesterday....

You're no longer a little chicken nugget

You have a face and a nose and a mouth

I could make out every feature

And still I felt so detatched

I dont want to feel this way

I promise to be a good mother to you

I'm sorry this time is different

You didnt ask for life

I'm giving it to you

I'm sorry I dont love you yet

I dont love me either

[outletformylife]

You actually texted me today

It was only about our daughter

But it caught me off guard

And even though I feel like I should hate you

I dont

There was a time not too long ago where I just wanted to get away from you

Now I wish you just acknowledge me

I thought I woke up better today

And then I heard your voice

And I broke again

Broke harder than I ever have since we split

I actually missed you

And now idk how to feel

[outletformylife]

You ask me to talk

And then dont let me speak

You tell me you're listening finally

And when I said i needed space

You just pushed in closer

I hinted for hours to just leave me be

But you couldnt stop being selfish for one minute

To understand I just wanted to be alone

I need space

I need time

I need to be alone with my thoughts

I need to not be surrounded by you

To not be overwhelmed by you

YOU OVERWHLEM ME

And you're terrible with words

So what should take 30 seconds to come out

Takes 30 minutes

.......

You also smelled of alocohol

You said no then admitted to ONE beer

ONE...

One beer

But you reeked of hard liquor and your speech was mumbled and delayed

You said you were listening

But you didnt hear that I just needed space

[outletformylife]

I dont feel bad for people who just feel bad for themselves

I dont relate well with them

We all have our own shit we deal with

Dont project it onto me hoping I'll feel bad for you

I dont

[outletformylife]

I'm done feeling this way

I just want to be gone

My chest feels so heavy and my eyes feel so sad

Idk what I'm doing

I have no answers just alot of worry

I'm not ok

But I'll continue to pretend to be

Save me.....

[outletformylife]

Just want to not exist currently

Not die

But not exist

Maybe go away for a while

Just my daughter and I

Somewhere we can eat and laugh and just be alone

Time with my daughter and just her

Maybe that's what I need

[outletformylife]

You came home smelling like alcohol today

You were doing so well

3days no trace of it

I knew it was too good to be true

I was starting to be too hopeful

I know soon I'll have to tell you I no longer plan to spend my life with you

I'll raise this baby on my own and be a single mother of 2 now

I'll never take away your parental rights

I'll never make you pay a dime

I just won't be present in your lushland

I won't stay because I have hope

My hope has been abused for too long

And you've never really gained it anyway

I refuse to let our child grow up wondering why they weren't enough for you

I'll never let my child realize how deep your alcoholism goes

I will protect and I will provide

And you will always continue to be a victim of situations you create

Things could be better

Thing could be great...even "perfect"

But you choose to let your self hatred consume you

You think the simplest of things are impossible

You dwell on it and spiral into a drunken depression

But things could be great....

Things could be perfect

[outletformylife]

Wish you would just talk to me. Wish you would just be civil. Wish things could go back to how they were a few months ago. Our daughter needs her whole family not 2 broken ones. She needs to see us interact even though were not together. She deserves more than this....I deserve more than this. But you'll never get over it will you? You'll never be ok with everything. If I'm not yours I'm nothing. Cant even respect me as your daughter's mother. Or as the person who supported you in so many ways for 5 years. A person who lost herself trying to mend you. You think you are the only one hurting right now? I've been hurting for years. I was your rock while you were an anchor that held me down. You pretended to change in Hope's I would fall back in love with you. But your actions lately have proved you wrong once again. You will always be selfish. You will never understand me. You never did, but claimed so proudly to.

#illbeok #becauseiwillalwaysbeme