pairofscales

[pairofscales]

Hello mofos

I'm tired, pissed, disappointed, sleepy, fatigue, weak, lost interests. How many times I have said it that I wanna disappear.

[pairofscales]

28 Aug 2023, 10.41 AM

Hello again,

Sunny day today.

I woke up this morning and determined to change myself.

At least I need to take a tiny first step. It could be going to the gym, read books, go outside, talk to people, or something else. I've been isolating myself for too long. It's nearly 2 years. I think I'm nearly insane. Such a shame that a guy like me, who have been depressed ever since a little, got beaten by the bitter life. I'm supposedly get used to it, right? Hey wake up!

Anyway I'm listening to X-Japan - Forever love now. Such as beautiful sad song. I should take care or myself. Man I am now sick inside and outside. Guess I'll die soon? I don't know. I hope so ahah.

I wanna hike. I miss being outside. I miss being in the nature. I feel serene in there. Let's do it in early Sept.

I also need to fix my sleep time. Slept at 4 AM again last night, and woke up at 7 AM. That's 3 hours of sleep. Every single day.

I was about to cancel my trip to Japan, but my friends assured me carry on. It's my childhood dream anyway, why would I always easily give up my dreams? I'll keep on going. In fact, I can feel the excitement now.

[pairofscales]

Wednesday, 23 Aug 2023

Hi

I'm quite busy at work today, I'm happy for it because I can keep my mind busy. But I still do smoke a lot. It has became an inevitable habit for me.

After lunch I called Uchy, a fellow victim of this investment scam. I double checked with her if what the perpetrator said to me is true that he has paid a certain amount of percentage of money to her. Turns out, it's just another bullshit as she has only received 25 mil out come 900-ish millions. What kind of percentage is that?

I am now reconsidering. Perhaps I have to cancel my vacation plan to Japan. I need to save money. I can't keep on living like this. I look back, I have been stressed out years by years. I don't know. I really want to die. Please let me break free from all of these endless pouring rain in my wounded life. It's painful. I can't keep pretending that all is well. All is not well.

[pairofscales]

Tuesday, 22 Aug

It's 9.47 AM now

My mood is kinda good I had enough sleep last night. I slept at exactly 1 AM. Why did I do that? because I have meeting at 8 AM. It's a product weekly meeting. Even so, I was still late coming to the office because of the unexpected traffic, not sure what's going on. Thankfully I have this airpod so that I could join the meeting through my phone while I was riding a Grab bike.

Saw the news of Milan first match of the season and they won. I'm so happy. That guy Pulisic is going to be something big. Oh yeah last night I had a call with the "perpetrator" and said the checking went well and that they will give me back my money by installment. That's fine, I hope this time they do what they say.

I'll be meeting Olivia today after office hour. Don't know yet what we'll do but I guess hanging out in a coffee shop should do. Oh yeah this morning Jenny and Andri gave me a lot of snacks. Though I have had 2 boiled eggs prepared by my mom, I'm still hungry. I need to start my diet to get rid of this dad belly but why do I always want to eat something instead...

[pairofscales]

A fresh restart

Hmm, ok.

I used to love writing and reading. But years have gone and I have lost those interests I don't know why. So I'm coming back to this page to write again. About anything. It could be a poem, lyrics, my story of the day, or just random stuff put together in words.

Today is Monday, 21 August 1.05pm. Just finished lunch with a packed meal my mom prepared for me every working day. I'm listening to Butterfly Waltz by Brian Crain on my spotify which I open in the Safari browser. It's working time, but I feel like I can work better with music.

The guy who took my money through an investment scam told me that he will give an update of the possibility to return the money this afternoon, might as well be in the evening. It's been almost 2 years. He said he's in the midst of checking the proof of transfer I sent him last Wednesday. Total is IDR 230 millions. Yeah thankfully I did transfer it to their finance director account so that they can't make any excuses to not giving back my money.

Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things. I keep stay awake at least until 3am every night. I don't know. I don't know why I don't want to go to sleep. I'm scared. I'm worried. Maybe I'm sick. Maybe I have damaged my body so badly. I smoke a lot. The amount is increasing massively. But I just can't stand without a cigarette for a couple of hours now. Imagine a boy who used to hate cigarettes a lot, and the smoke of it, have now became a chainsmoker. I do want to stop, but I just can't stop.

Last night or maybe yesterday night, I dreamed about my old friends in my sleep. Those people from high school who actually loved me. But I guess they have forgotten me now because of the way I changed. I used to be a good kid, now I'm just a smoker, drinker, all about that wild things. Except for drugs. I have never and will never touch it. I miss them. I miss those people. Why did I dreamed of them. Why can't I get along with them no more. In fact, I don't have friends now. Close ones. Not even one. It's easy for me to lose friends, and I know there's no turning back. I guess I'll be alone, all my life.

I have also been thinking about what I wanna do in my life. I've been sitting in this office chair for too long and too comfortable. But I don't know what's next. I used to have a dream (I don't know if it's still there) to be a musician. I love being on the stage. I used to experience this in high school with my high school band. But now I'm alone, I can't create a band. Shall I just continue to produce music on my DAW? But I have lost my passion for it, it's dead. Maybe I should start a new life in another country. Whichever country will do. Maybe I should be a cabin crew for an aircraft in Hong Kong? If I ever be one, I'll write it here.

The most recent one, I have been thinking shall I disappear? I don't know. Maybe I should be a monk. I'm currently reading a book written by a monk. Maybe I should meditate. Maybe I should quit life.

[pairofscales]

If it’s blurred, adjust your focus. 

BUT I JUST CAN’T FOCUS I THINK MY LENS IS BROKEN.

[pairofscales]

So you have your opinion

about the thing called dominion

so seek for some companion

maybe you can find one or two in a billion.

[pairofscales]

Seolah akal tak lagi aktif bekerja kolektif.

Dia telah mandiri.

Sampai pikiran terlalu asik menjauh dari fisik.

Tolong berhenti.

[pairofscales]

I was born and raised depressed.

I was born and raised depressed.

I was born and raised depressed.

Often times, I really want to cry.

Often times, I really want to share with someone.

Often times, I just want to quit.

But...

I am strong.

Too strong that my body just can’t understand. 

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness.

Please. Please come to me.

I’m drowning. Again.

I’m here. Again.

I can’t see.

I can’t see everyone.

I should’ve let my soul wandered, outta this body. Never come back.

Maybe I won’t be missed.

I won’t have to see me frustrated. Trapped in between sin and sorrow.

I have to carry on.

I have to move on.

I have to move forward.

I wanna see the old me. 

I wanna see how proud would he be for getting through it all.

I wanna see him smiling, behind the wrinkles he by then have.

But if I had to die young.

At least I know that I’m....

[pairofscales]

Rumah Depresi

Siang ini pikiranku tidak bersama ragaku.

Ragaku di bumi, pikiranku seperti berkelana antar galaksi.

Apakah ini depresi?

Aku lahir, tumbuh, dan masih depresi.

Aku mengenal depresi dengan baik.

Depresi selalu menemaniku, padahal aku tidak membutuhkannya.

Terlepas dari berapa lamanya aku hidup bersama depresi, aku tidak pernah benar-benar mengenalnya.

Aku tidak tahu kapan dia ada, kapan dia tiada, kapan dia muncul, kapan dia hilang.

Aku tidak bisa membedakannya.

Pikiranku kadang berbicara, apakah aku sudah gila?

Aku tidak ingin mengusirnya.

Aku tidak mau.

Aku tidak mau membuatnya merasa terbuang, dan sendiri.

Karena aku juga sangat mengenali perasaan itu.

Aku akan tetap menjadi baik.

Aku akan tetap menjaganya.

Aku akan tetap hidup bersamanya.

Depresiku, akulah rumahmu.

[pairofscales]

Unhappy

How do you feel now

How do you feel to be living

Are you happy with all you have

Are you happy with all you get

Surrounded by good people

I still love solitude

I dumped my key of happiness down the hill

I just feel unhappy

[pairofscales]

untold pain

I don’t know where to start.. I can’t barely type. Life is.. precious. Someone said “maybe life isn’t for everybody”, no.. life is obviously for everybody, everywhere. I grew up without a figure of hero, he left when i was 3, i couldn’t understand anything that time. Mom single handedly took care of me, and my aunt, she gave me what I needed and took care of me as well. anyone knows how does it feel to live without a figure of hero when you know that the hero isn’t dead, yeah i wanted him to die that time. well idk how to continue this… i just can’t..

[pairofscales]

Asal usul peta

Peta. Mungkin ga banyak orang yang mikirin, kapan peta pertama muncul dan dibuat, dan oleh siapa. Baca artikel sana-sini katanya peta udah ada dari jaman Babilonia, bahkan pada tahun 6M ada seorang Maroko yang membuat peta dunia, lalu Indonesia diklaim sudah membuat peta Nusantara pada jaman Majapahit. Kartografi.. Ilmu yang mempelajari peta. Kartograf, pembuat peta. Mungkin gue yang ga ngerti ilmu ini tapi.. Sehebat apa manusia-manusia di jaman di atas sehingga bisa membuat peta. GPS bahkan satelit belum diluncurin (satelit pertama yang meluncur Sputnik 1 tahun 1957), pesawat juga belum ada (pesawat pertama 1903 itupun masih cikal bakal, pesawat komersil 1949), mobil (1885an). Dengan apa mereka survei wilayah yang ribuan bahkan jutaan kilometer.. survei pelaut dan pedagang? gimana cara penulisannya?

[pairofscales]

Even the most beautiful snowflakes can lost it's beauty in just a split of seconds, it will melt immidiately and change into dirty mud.

H.S.

[pairofscales]

Foreigner friends

Berawal dari kelas 11, iseng main kik. Di sana gue bisa ngobrol sama banyak orang luar, sekaligus ngelatih English, dan itu menjadi seru. Pernah deket juga sama cewek Meksiko namanya Mariel Rosales. Tapi satu-satunya orang yang masih keep in contact sampe sekarang itu Anais, from France. Nyoba lagi main epenpal, dapet banyak temen lagi. Evans from Ghana, Kathi from Austria, Stephanie from Germany, Chi from Germany, Maria from Spain, Shanice Belgium, Andrea, Thais, Federica, Alessia from Italy dan masih banyak lagi. Lainnya banyak yang lost contact. But names that I mentioned above are still in contact with me. And i made a groupchat there on Whatsapp, and they’re all nice. It’s awesome to have friends from the other side of this earth, the word “race” shouldn’t be exist, cause it’s only “human”

[pairofscales]

Bimasakti

Berawal dari keisengan main jejaring sosial secret (sekarang udah ga ada), i met a girl and I talked about astronomy with her. I talked a lot and the convo was getting more interesting. Singkatnya, gue diinvite masuk grup whatsapp yang namanya BIMASAKTI, dan di grup itu ngebahas macem-macem. Agama, sejarah, konspirasi dll. Pikiran gue sedikit terbuka oleh grup itu, tapi ngga, gue ga nerima segala yang mereka omongin mentah-mentah, meskipun apapun yang mereka omongin itu ilmiah, teoritis, dan berdasar kajian mereka. Gue ngerasa gue harus kaji sendiri. Dan ketika gue cerita tentang grup ini ke satu cewek yg gue kenal dari secret namanya Fariza, secara ga langsung dia bilang grup itu sesat. Wth, itu prejudisme. Lagian gue ga mudah terdoktrin. Si F itupun kaya ngejauh dr gue sekarang. Gue masih di grup itu, isinya Kang Iwan, Kang Drac, Mutia, Teh Chan dll. Satu hal yang gue dapet dari itu dan itu penting, kontrol amigdala.

[pairofscales]

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