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01.12.24
It’s exactly 6am, I am still bursting with anger because my husband told me “Anong ano jan” with a tone that ticked me off because for the love of peace and quiet in our household I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HIS PC. My brain is to squirmy to even come up with words when I wish to write something as bland as this blog. I feel like my efforts in life are always overlooked because it’s “what I am supposed to do” as a wife, a mom, a non working human in this household. A little back story might be helpful to understand my postpartum rage.
7am woke up to feed crying baby then fell asleep.
9am woke up again, chapped lips from dehydration, drank water and fed awakened baby from waking from the bed.
10:30am fixed the bed (half) with asleep baby, went downstairs to thaw the chicken and had a peaceful 30mins choking on my cheerios and figuring out if there is a faster way of finishing it because I know I am unconsciously timed by my husband if I am taking too long downstairs bc he is working upstairs.
11:30am finished cooking, cleaned kitchen, living room and I went up. Fixed the baby’s bath tub and clothes, and while the husband bathes the baby, I clean the room, I sweep, I tidy, I fix. Then he calls for me to pat the baby dry and groom.
12:30 husband goes for lunch, I stay with the baby to feed and his 1st afternoon nap. I get my peace too for 30mins until he “does” things “quietly” for him and wakes up the baby. It’s 1:30pm, and I have a dental appointment with an empty tummy and reek of sweat and breastmilk.
1:35pm I power shower/ clean myself as I fell exhaustion reach my eyes and I feel a tad bit warm on the eyes. I refuse to cry, this is everyday, I can’t be too surprised, nor disappointed.
2:15pm reached dentist and the procedure goes. I wish he didn’t have to ask questions so I could have my quiet time.
4:30pm I went for a quick Mcdo fix, staring blankly into the students thinking “ang lalandi netong mga to ke babata” squeeing their delight in seeing a group of sweaty boys enter the premises. I can’t even eat in peace, the student next to me keeps shouting.
I booked a Joyride (not sponsored, charot) and asked the rider to kindly stop by any Dunkin Donuts kiosk, I added the fare, ofcourse. I was fast and sure of what to get and in less than 5 mins we were on our way to the house, the home? I don’t know.
My baby was wide awake when I got home, good, I said because my boobs were exploding. I fed the baby and he proceeded to working again - checking his phone again - to trading again - to playing switch again - and not finishing his work again due to the many stop overs to a finished contract.
I know he is making a living while trying to earn on the side (stock trading) but when your baby is almost 99.99% facing his cellphone and monitor, always having to catch the baby on his “improper” position while sleeping, ticks me a great deal specially when I keep reminding but never listened to. Paulit ulit ako na hindi dapat ganun position ng baby dahil baka makasanayan ng likod with his unsteady bone structure. ANG TIGAS NG ULO NG ASAWA KO.
It’s dinner time. I told him to fix his own plate, walang nadinig. I had to say “wow don na don ha, nag aabang na lang ng pagkaen nakaupo na” and prepred his food with a grin. The baby cried while we ate and I didn’t stop. My last meal were 30 pcs of cheerios at 10:35am and I am hungry. He was on his 2nd bowl tho.
He washed the plates, I go back to wipe the counter. Fix the dishes and arrange. Every. Single. Day.
We went up at 8:30pm after the news. I told him to clean and change the baby to his sleepwear while I cleaned the room again and prepare for sleep. Emails to Cafe Kai keeps coming about bazaars, rentals and opportunities, I reminded him to make an LOI and he nodded.
My back hurts, I feed the baby again, and this was about the start of our fight.
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I have decided to live off my mom’s radar. Recently, I have watched how she manipulates and threaten people around me whenever she doesn’t get things her way. It is shameful that other people (who are not even related to her, hence wouldn’t understand her outbursts) witness this “gaslighting”, and I have had enough. I am done always having to say no because she will get mad, for her not respecting me as the mother of my children and respecting my wishes whenever she asks to have them on weekends or a visit. I am done laughing at her hurting my kids as a joke because pain even as a kid will always be remembered.
If you cannot respect my decision as the mother in own family, I am more than happy to skip all other family gatherings and just start our own.
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I have finally decided to take control of my life. She has abused me physically and emotionally to have stayed this long in my life. I have always wondered why I keep a close relationship with my ex’s mothers, until I realized that the love I was suppose to get from my OWN mother was always short lived and always depending on how much I can give.
This was the LAST STRAW. I was resting, from crying the whole day, week probably for a month because I am always in pain with my current pregnancy. I have reiterated to her countless times that I am asleep during the day as I do my “siesta” after lunch. With someone who is pregnant, fighting a mental issue and currently off meds, this is definitely not something I wanted to read. What hurt me the most is the fact that she used my marriage against me, na para bang ang yabang yabang ko na dahil kasal ako, natutulog lang naman ako ano ba problema? Ano kailangan ko tignan sa mukha ko? May dumi ba? Or madumi na talaga ako sa mata nya noon pa man. I have cried my frustrations to my husband countless times and to this day I still believe that she is a good person, maybe just not with me. At kailangan ko na itigil un illusion ko of having a relationship with my own mother because I have tried for so long and failed miserably all the time. I can never take care of her, I can never be the daughter she needs because I am not the daughter who just says yes. I lived half of my life without her and she expects me to hand her the mother card all the time even if she is no longer doing/saying the right things. I have not spoken to her for a longer time before. I was pregnant with Lyle then so this shouldn’t be difficult since I am married and my husband is my confidant. Luckily, my husband understands my situation and urges me to stay away from her. The more I realized how abused I was when I was younger makes me resent her all the more. When she tied me butt naked to our gate, when she abused me and broke hangers and “walis” on my body. Hitting me was like a puzzle to her - kailangan walang parte ng katawan un walang latay. And I fear that I may pull off the same stint when she gets older - hoping she doesn’t stay with me, as I/we are not willing.
The few weeks I dodge her presence and don’t communicate with her have been the most peaceful days of my life.
If this is the exchange of no mental breakdowns, no crying because I feel jinked with my parents, and just being able to heal from my childhood trauma - then I am most willing to not be her daughter anymore.
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Maternity shoot in anticipation for our Jin Kaizer 👶🏻
July.10.2023
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