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After Yang (2022) dir. Kogonada

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Maybe I'm just being self-destructive? But honestly, I've been comfortable with being alone or being self-sufficient. So when I decide to open my heart to you and tell you what makes me breathe - my flaws, coping tendencies. Is it wrong to expect you to take that into account?

I'm unsure of why it seems difficult to reach out and ask me how I'm doing or what's on my mind. I'm unsure why I always have to make the effort to be a part of your life.

I'm pretty bitter because I was comfortable having you as a friend and not anything more than that. I'm bitter because I feel like I was taken advantage of? In a sense where I shared so much of my intimate self and yet I'm being treated no different than a random person. I wasn't lying when I said I left my heart there. It hurts so much.

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suffocation

again, this familiar feeling

it's almost comical how often i get put into this position i even tried so hard to protect my heart and after revealing so much of my intimate self i continue to feel abandoned

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such a great feeling when someone just genuinely wants to talk to you and wants to know how your life is going

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its doomed

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passing

i stayed up one night, planning to watch the perseids meteor shower. it was something i was very excited about - its a meteor shower that lies in the perseus constellation. perseus is an interesting greek mythology that i got into because of the fiction books that i used to read.

anyway, i stayed up late night in hopes to see the meteor shower that i heard about on tiktok and honestly i dont even know if its true or if it was the right date. perhaps i just hoped? i hoped that by some random chance, i would be able to witness something that appears every 10 years or whatever.

i waited and waited. i looked at tried to identify each celestial body - the moon, saturn, mars, little satellites running its course. ive noticed the different layers of the sky, like a mosaic that god or someone created to make us feel small. there were large clouds in the far foreground and smaller clouds that seemed to rush through as the wind blew them. it started to become early morning; 3 am hit and i was still holding on to hope that perhaps the meteors had some sort of delay or maybe the earth slowed is spin just a little? some stupid hope.

perhaps i just missed it? or perhaps in this part of the world, we actually dont have the same sky. perhaps if i was there with you, we would be able to witness the meteor shower together. but im here and i only have the moon to share secrets with. either way, ive come to an understanding that perhaps you are like a meteor that is only visible on that side. ive always thought we were worlds apart, even before we got closer and i feel it even so now. its okay though, ive always been comfortable with the night sky.

sometimes i feel like its maybe my fault? although i dont know what else i couldve done better. maybe it truly is just the wrong place and wrong time. but maybe one day i can be underneath the same sky again.

#killemdillem

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Moons

Yue are like the moon

Thousands of miles away shining brightly

Always pulling me towards you in the ocean tides

I see you spin through different phases

Shy to show your true self to the world

But I know the intimate sides of you

my whispers carry your secrets through the night sky

im begging for you to never fall down

I miss you a lot

#killemdillem

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Letters to Lucine #6

We are forbidden lovers but in my heart I know we were meant for each other

i crave the songs you sing of the ocean, how it holds you in its vast arms, carrying you with the currents. im happy it led you to me. while sailors are enticed by the sirens call, it seems that only I can understand you. my dear lucine, the full moon beckons you closer to me as the tides rise at the pier. the wood creaks and I recall your soft brown eyes staring back at me, with life and wonder in each window to your soul. I’ve been mesmerized by your grace.

I admit I hate that I’m not able to hold you in my arms every night or that I’m not able to wake up to your kisses however my heart grows every time i am reminded of your love. The mere thought of sending my adoration for you in a bottle for the ocean to deliver them to you is enough to make my heart grow fonder.

But please do come back. I miss you too much.

#killemdillem

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生活は忘れて 『夏に靄』 MVイラスト https://youtu.be/f2yg05h3QlY