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The Sentimental Princess
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Simba
I’ve never felt so liberated. On my own, detaching from my past.
Who I really am, wants to be free. I want to love, whomever I choose. And although I’m not entirely sure I will ever be able to have a normal future, I like to think that right now, I can.
There’s this guy, well he’s not just a guy. He’s trans. The first trans person I’ve ever gotten to truly interact with. I truly truly like him. I hate to admit it. We met when I got rehired. He always peaked my interest. It wasn’t until we started to actually work together once a week that I realized I had some underlying feelings. He was just so cute, I can’t even explain it. He was the reason I liked coming to work. I hoped every Saturday morning that I would see him.
Then, I started to really crush. Hard.
When my status as an employee changed with his, I began to miss him. We worked in two different areas most of the time, so I sort of lost that dream. The dream that maybe we could be something. And good, because I was still in a committed relationship. I couldn’t be thinking about someone else.
But there he was, working with me one morning. FINALLY.
“Long time, no see. What’s up stranger?”
Oh goodness I hope we work together today. Low and behold, same location. More than ecstatic, it was obvious I was in a good mood. Making side comments all day from across the store. Laughing while putting away pins in the back. I couldn’t help but flirt. We were both in a relationship, but a little flirting can’t hurt right? Maybe he won’t notice. Oh I bet he did though. I was so dumb trying to be so cool, trying to think of the right things to say. Trying to really get him to like me.
He asked me to hang out with him after work. I stayed later just to hang out with him. We went to a discount store on property. Drove over separately, but walked through the store. I was so nervous. So flirty. Cause why else would he invite me out? Maybe he likes me. I tried not to be so clingy. So when I lost him, I kept looking at whatever I wanted, so he was forced to look for me. I laughed so much. And kept saying stupid things and trying to talk myself out of it. But I just get so nervous around him I hate it.
Another day I talked to him about how I was feeling. About my relationship and my sexuality. Unsure of how to get out of this relationship so I can be myself. And figure out who I truly am. I told him how hard it would be with my parents. Who I really don’t want to lose because if I don’t hide the relationship with anyone other than a man, they would be so disappointed in me. And he said, “why don't you just date someone who is trans? That way you can have both a guy and a girl and you don’t need to explain anything to your parents.”
OHHHHHHBITCHHHHHHHHH.
Why you gotta tell me something like that when YOU are TRANS and I LIKE YOU. Cause boy, I can’t have you. But of course I didn’t say that. I honestly should have told him that moment that I liked him, but I couldn’t do it. So, I took his advice, and decided that maybe the relationship shouldn’t continue.
The relationship started to crumble. More than it was already. And I became naggy, needy, and hard to love. I saw issues with everything. Sure I could have deserved more, but I could have also appreciated more. Things just weren’t right. And I was feeling deprived of the love of someone else. Girls are all I think about. And it wasn’t going away. I needed space, ain’t nothing wrong with saying “I need me time”.
So 6 years later, and I’m slowly recovering my heart each day. Learning to love myself. Before I think of anyone else.
Yet here he comes, on his last day of work, and he hugs me the second he sees me. I think I hugged him at least 5 times that day. I was so sad. We went to lunch together for the first time I think. With coworkers. And I told him that we had broken up. He looked very proud of me. Said I looked much happier. More alive. I was especially happy just talking to him. He told me he almost broke up with his boyfriend the other day. Since there was just a lot of fighting about moving to Gainesville. But I tried to reassure him, when deep down I just wanted to tell him he should be with me instead. Even though I don't want that and I need to work on myself.
But he’s just so cute and so sweet. And I can’t stop thinking about him. He was the reason I wanted to come to work. He makes my work days so much happier. His smile, when he says hi to me, makes my heart race. Sometimes, he’s all I can think about and I hate that I can’t express myself. It physically hurts to be unable to give love to someone. I wish I could tell him about how I feel, but I don’t want to be a home wrecker. I did that in my first relationship and ruined theirs. Then mine got ruined in return. So I’ll wait. Maybe he’ll ask to hang out. Maybe I could make a trip up there. Only if him and his boyfriend break up. But that’s asking for trouble...and I’m into it.
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His name is Andy. I’m struggling to fall asleep and my heart is racing. I want to talk to him all the time. I think about him a lot. He’s with someone, they seem like they love each other so much. I would never want to ruin that for someone. I would never want to intrude, but I need some way to get rid of how I’m feeling. How do I stop liking someone? I want to like them, but I get giggly, and flirty, and I act so stupid 😩 I can’t help it I’m so happy when he’s around. I just wish this feeling would go away. It’s tearing me apart.
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“i don’t wanna die, i sometimes wish i’d never been born at all” remains the rawest fucking lyric in the history of music thanks freddie
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Lana Del Rey wearing Custom Gucci at the 60th Annual Grammy Awards (2018)
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I just wish I could tell the whole world that I’m bisexual. I wish I could be left alone. I hate hiding this part of me. I hate it so much. It’s frustrating and upsetting and so much is going on and I just don’t even wanna be with my family anymore. I know they think they’re helping but I am just so over it.
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9/13/13
I miss having a girlfriend
I miss all the sweet letters
I miss the random kisses
I miss someone being so proud of me
I miss someone making me feel like I was their entire world
I miss being held all the time
I miss the girly laughs
I miss how in love I was with you
And how in love you were with me
All we had was love
We didn’t have much but each other
And I just miss feeling that way
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Anyway, fat boys, girls, and anyone else, fucking love yourself, you deserve to be happy and I hope you are. ❤️
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