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clownfish be like "i know a spot" and take you to a fucking deadly sea organism

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"people in real life: hey man how's it going" is a killer phrase. instantly neutralizes whatever insane discourse you find online. gonna start using that from now on

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Kitchen Nightmares is really just like

Owners: i don't know why my restaurant is failing. Chef Ramsey please help

Ramsey: hello i am Gordon Ramsay. How is the food

Owners: we have the best food

*food comes out*

Gordon: this is an alive rat

Owners: our customers love te alive rat. We have the best food. Every day they order the alive rat.

*dinner service*

Customer: oh my god this is an alive rat

Waitress: is everything okay?

Customer: no it's an alive rat

*food is sent back*

Owner: this has never happened before. Fuck you Gordon Ramsay you should just leave. People love the alive rat

*Gordon goes in the freezer*

Gordon: there are 25 molds unknown to science. The rats have set up a lab to study them. Blimey. Scientist rats. They've unionized.

*later*

Gordon: your food is bad

Owner: no!!!!!!!!

Gordon: yes

Owner: oh my god our food is bad

*remodel, menu change*

Owner: oh my god Gordon Ramsay you saved my life thank you so much

Gordon: promise never to serve alive rats again, yeah?

Owner: yes of course

*end of episode*

Gordon: ratatouille ammirite? *He walks away chuckling*

End card: the restaurant was shut down three months later because they went back to serving alive rats.

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Tomska going hard on Twitter again.

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#go in the microwave

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Knuckle tats that say Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate. Hate.

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"Vegan leather" babygirl that is plastic

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at my sketchbook. straight up “drawing it”. and by “it”, haha, well. let’s justr say. Nothing

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Y'all, the world is sleeping on what NASA just pulled off with Voyager 1

The probe has been sending gibberish science data back to Earth, and scientists feared it was just the probe finally dying. You know, after working for 50 GODDAMN YEARS and LEAVING THE GODDAMN SOLAR SYSTEM and STILL CHURNING OUT GODDAMN DATA.

So they analyzed the gibberish and realized that in it was a total readout of EVERYTHING ON THE PROBE. Data, the programming, hardware specs and status, everything. They realized that one of the chips was malfunctioning.

So what do you do when your probe is 22 Billion km away and needs a fix? Why, you just REPROGRAM THAT ENTIRE GODDAMN THING. Told it to avoid the bad chip, store the data elsewhere.

Sent the new code on April 18th. Got a response on April 20th - yeah, it's so far away that it took that long just to transmit.

And the probe is working again.

From a programmer's perspective, that may be the most fucking impressive thing I have ever heard.

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I think the dumbest hypothetical is those questions where it’s like “would you rather have $10,000 or eat dinner with X celebrity?” like of course I will take the money because eating dinner with a celebrity is literally a nightmare scenario. are you insane? Do you have a hole in your head?  I don’t care who I am dining with. I will literally shit myself on the spot if i have to eat dinner with someone who knows what a million in a bank account feels like. could be the coolest motherfucker in the world.  I would still find a way to fuck that up so fast.  like I could be eating dinner with serj from system of a down and I bet that guy is chill as fuck I’m sure it’ll be a very memorable experience. but I could still find a way to roll up to the restaurant wearing mice on my feet.  a banana peel, on my head.  and I’ll be like sorry man traffic is a nightmare today ha ha.  but that’s not the truth before this I tied both my shoelaces together and tripped on accident in a giant dumpster crusher machine like the one from toy story that crushes all the toys and they start getting suicidal, crawled my ass OUT, and then I fell in some gunk i check my phone : 4:30 . i go “fuck.” this is fucked. and I still gotta eat dinner with serj from system of a down at five !!so like I don’t have time to go home and wash up from my extremely embarrassing accident and all i have to wear is MICE no clothes since they got slipt in the crusher PURE. MICE. i’m sure he would be very chill and understanding of my situation and circumstances but that does not change the fact that I have mice around my feet as shoes . do you think I want to imagine serj seeing my my MOUSE shoes while we have to eat dinner and they are squeaking as I eat my steak ? and dude and then the waiter comes up and he goes you can’t be wearing mice. this is a five star establishment .and KICKS me the FUCK out dude ? would i rather imagine that nightmare scenario from hell (and the demons, and margaret thatcher she’s down there too ofc) or get money? not like buy a house and sustain yourself money but enough money to buy a nice fursuit or something . the ones with the removable tongues and eyelids and shit.? do the math four eyes don’t even waste my time





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Made the worst brownies ever created just now

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ill draw something substantial just you wait

#ultrakill

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my number one skill is being sooo cute and my number two skill is the ancient curse

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I found the greatest reaction set:

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Yknow the thing where red pandas just lay down on a branch and let their legs hang and they’re just like vibing