phobio2000

[phobio2000]

Toy Story 4

Toy Story 4…, I consider it a masterpiece, although I could be wrong, as my opinion could be subjectively influenced by the theme as something that came really close to my heart and life experiences. But objectively speaking, I think it is brilliant. Because you can be a kid and enjoy it as a kids’ movie, or you can be a mature grown-up and see the depth of the topic it discusses.

The franchise spans for over 25 years, and I feel that, with each sequel, the theme managed to communicate with aging audiences while still remain a kids’ movie. Say, if you were ten years old when part 1 came out, and now, twenty five years later and you are 35 years old, the depth of part 4 really hits home and addresses one of the most prominent challenge of the age group. Perhaps the franchise carries the spirit of Woody, that desires to contribute and help take care of its audiences throughout their lives, stage by stage.

I feel that, when we start out in life, we tend to be governed by our natural inclinations, just like Woody, who is loyal to a fault. However, as time goes by and the kids grow up, Woody had to face the inevitable realities, just like how the movie started. It is pouring rain outside, the current of life’s realities was washing away the remote controlled car, severing the love and the bonds that make us feel safe, cozy, and happy. Woody was not going to let that happen and conducted a risky rescue operation. It was a success, but just as he was about to enter back into the house, life shut the window on him, and Bo was taken away. He went after her, but there was nothing he could do, and the action packed scene abruptly ended with him lying on cold cement in pouring rain, powerless and helpless about the situation…. And that sets the framework and the tone of what this movie is going to be about….

There is not much we can do about the free will of man. Trying to temper with it or overcome it will, at best, give you a hollow victory. I feel that, this movie is like a Shakespeare tragedy, that Woody’s good nature and die-hard belief in goodness, loyalty, and love and his devotion to those values may have helped him to live a great life and accomplished many things, yet it turned out to ultimately be the very thing that ended up killing him. Yet, since this is Pixar, it gave Woody a choice, and he eventually came to the realization that whatever he was doing right before is also setting him up on the path to perdition, yet because of who he has been this whole time, there is a path to salvation, if he comes to his senses in time and choose differently this time: go with what got you here, yet realize it when you are in a situation that what got you here won’t get you there….

This is Woody’s story, not Andy’s, and in the beginning of the Bonnie scene, you can see that Woody struggled to adjust, that Molly is the leader now and he did not know what to do nor how to make adjustments, that he is no longer the kid’s favorite toy and that to some extent, he has become a distraction to the team’s chemistry. This is actually a really common challenge. For example, a couple could have their first child and everyone gives him/her all the attentions, but later on a second child was born…. Or, an employee could be doing something really important in the company, but as time goes by, he/she slowly gets phased out by younger talents…. This is a story that teaches us on how to find our own happiness in this season….

I love the Book of Ecclesiastes. I think it really helps set us up for life by giving us the right perspectives. We have the Book fo Psalms that teaches us to tune our hearts toward God. We have the Book of Proverbs that teaches us how to live and thrive. We have the Song of Solomon that teaches us what love is and how to love romantically. And we have the Book of Ecclesiastes that describes life in a divinely inspired framework and teaches us how to have a good and balanced perspective so that we can find peace in this chaotic world. It is imperative to be very familiar with these books….

Ecclesiastes says there is a season for everything, a season to sow, a season to reap, a season to laugh, a season to mourn, a season to hold on to something, a season to let go, and etc…. It is imperative to pro-actively figure out what season we are in and respond accordingly….

Woody, though a really smart and capable person, is rather obtuse in this area. The Bible says that we are all members of the same body, and thus, case in point, we need one another, and because of the work fo the cross, we can bring ourselves under the grace of God and pursue him together with like-minded individuals and help and support one another.

But Woody knew better that giving-up is not the answer, as he vigorously tried to shake the dust bunny off his body. He still believes in the same values, rather than giving in to cynicism and falter to the state of hopelessness, despair, and bitterness—he has seen what happened to those who walked that path from previous sequels of the movie. Perhaps in his heart he wants to believe that love never fails, that as long as he insists on love, there is still hope for his life, that through loving unconditionally, he will still find life—and this love ended up invigorated the whole gang, giving them hope, setting their hearts on fire, and making them want to help and follow-him—this is leadership at its best!

Yet that does not change the fact that Woody is not getting the whole picture, nor understanding the situation he is in, nor knowing what to do about it—he did the best he could with what he knew, and sometimes that is all we can do. For what is the alternative, be like Stinky Pete and Lotso, or do nothing at all and just wallow in self-pity and despair, reminiscing the good old days with Andy, perhaps in the same way as Rocky Balboa did?

The turning point of his story is when he looked beyond himself, when Gabby had a heart to heart with him and made him realize that he had a privileged life, though not one that was without hard work and taking risks, that although things are no longer what they used to be—they are still really great, whereas, Gabby had been unwanted from the very beginning, and Duke was abandoned within minutes and had to cope with the pain all his life—and that’s when Woody realized that he needs to embrace this new season and let go, and he sacrificially gave up his voice box so that Gabby may have a chance at a good life.

In the meantime, Bo was really offended by Woody’s insensitivity and blinding obsession to hold on to what pretty much can never be—so often we do that to ourselves, being so obsessed that we cannot see the good things in front of us and ahead of us…. Yet even though Woody’s distasteful attitude made Bo angry and drove her away, she eventually remembered again just how special Woody is and she actually came back for him voluntarily on her own without any third-party persuasion but amidst dissuasions. I guess that, on one hand, you reap what you sow, and what Woody has sown over the years was way too beautiful for a good woman like Bo to let go due to just one bad experience. I think it’s a dichotomy of Bo being a really good and special woman who has the capacity to forgive, as well as being mature and having a big heart to empathize with Woody, who never gave up on his friends, and now Bo choose to not give up on him. It is a dichotomy of who Woody choose to be and believe in love the way he did, and how Bo holds on to the same belief, even having been tossed around and broken by the real world, and the realization that Woody is very special, one of a kind….

Nevertheless, if Woody did not have that personal breakthrough and snapped out of that frame of mind, even if Bo came back things still would not have worked out. Woody’s compassionate heart saved him!

Hope is also discussed in the movie: Woody holding on to false hope, hope drove Gabby mad, hopelessness drove Duke into despair, and Bo finding hope by not clinging on to things that she cannot control and make the most of what she is given. Jesus is the Lord. When he invited everyone to eat of his flesh and drink of his blood, pushing them to see beyond the need for mere earthly provisions, people stumbled at the teaching, all of the audience left, as well as many of his disciples. But when he asked the main disciples if they are going to leave, too, Peter said “We have found the Lord of life, where else can we go?” Our hope is found on the rock—faith in Jesus Christ. He has overcome the world, he is the bread of life, the one true vine that we can attach to, his flesh is edible and his blood drinkable, we take his yoke upon ourselves and learn of him because he is meek in spirit and lowly of heart, his yoke is easy and his burden is light—he is the shepherd and keeper of our souls, the rock of our salvation on which we find rest for our weary souls and even bear much fruit….

When I lost my father at a young age, a dear friend bought me a plaque that states Romans 5:3,5, that tribulation gives birth to endurance, that endurance gives birth to experience, experience gives birth to hope, and hope does not lead to shame. I never understood what this mean until this morning, when I suddenly remembered that I have this thing.

Hope tends to lead to shame, i.e., when you move to Hollywood and work as a waiter hoping to make it as a successful actor/actress, there is a good chance that this hope will lead to shame, if your friends haven’t mocked you as a fool already, and perhaps to some extent, rightfully so…. Life is full of uncertainties and even though hope sounds and feels like a really beautiful thing, it is also thus dangerous…. I remember in Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman mentioned that hope is a dangerous thing, be careful of hope, don’t have any hope, for it will drive you mad, or something along that line. When I was young I didn’t understand what it means, but after having experienced life for myself, now I do. I remember in my twelfth grade English Literature class, my teacher would post at the door “Abandon all hope those who enter”, citing “Inferno” by Dante. At the time I thought that was a cowardice statement, that life is full of hope if you dare to believe in it. But little did I realize that I was a fool, like a giggly teenage girl fantasizing about her prince on a white horse…. But the Bible says that hope in Christ does NOT lead to shame….

Hope leads to shame because they always get squashed by tribulations. I love how in Romans 7 (?) Paul gloriously proclaimed that through Jesus Christ our lord we can overcome sin, after spending previous chapters analyzing sin and how it cloaks the whole world and humanity in utter hopelessness, just like the prison that Batman was in in “Dark Knight Rises”, that the worst part about the prison is that there is a clear path to freedom, just look up, you can see it, just climb, yet the climb is set up that it is impossible to climb out of—only false hope which makes it ESPECIALLY hopeless….

But here in Romans 5, it says that through Christ, tribulation can give birth to something new, and that something new gives birth to something new still, and that something new still gives birth to something new still—that through the salvation of Jesus Christ, what was meant to kill end up giving birth to new and good things in abundance! It’s a miracle!

I remember one time I attended a short workshop of a young aspiring artist. She said that she loves to create art because when she does, something new and beautiful gets created that wasn’t there before and that excites her very much. I guess that is the way God created the human heart, yet due to sin, everywhere you look outside her green house is death, destruction, and hopelessness, and that the best chance for survival is through abandoning all hope for those who entered into the world…. Yet through the gospel of Jesus Christ we can find hope again, that the weapons of the devil that is meant to destroy us will end up doing the exact opposite, if we believe….

[phobio2000]

Friendship

Friendship....

When I was in junior high I had this classmate. He's very extroverted, and back then he would be longing for a deep sense of camaraderie. He is not a bad guy, grew up to be a good human being who is not manipulative and phony, pretty straightforward guy. Back then, he would talk a lot of feel good things about friendship, yet by senior year in high school, one of his closest friend got deeply hurt, saying that he kept on going behind his back to go after the girl he was pursuing. First time that happened he forgave him. Second time, all hell broke loose. He was so hurt and upset it haunted him for life, even now. Because, with that kind of deep trusting comroderie type friendship, you're open and trusting and vulnerable, and you spend hour talking about stuff. So imagine this, he would tell the guy everything about this girl, how he feels, what he learned, what he's been doing, what outcomes and responses, and this guy would take that information and go behind his back and see if he can sneak something in and snatch her away. In addition, when a pursue is going on, there's vulnerability and opportunities to be a sneaky wolf that intervene, and he took that chance, twice.

Our righteousness is but filthy rag. By our own strength, our very best effort is no better than Peter denying Jesus three times. There's a dispute about that, whether he is a coward or tried but failed. I'm for tried and failed. Had he ran away like the others then there would be no denials taken place. Those who call him a coward thinking they can do better are no different from peter who boasted that others may deny you but I will not. And what's good about Peter is that he ran out of shame yet never ran from the truth, nor making lame excuses like "But you don't know how I feel!"

We are in a cursed humanity. Two natures at war, the nature that God instilled into us, according to his own image, and the sinful nature that came later, which on one hand perverts the good nature and desires, like how this guy ended up using this deep friendship as a mean to sin better, which makes it dangerous for people to believe in and desire these beautiful things that were originally good until they became cursed. And on the other hand, theres the flat out obvious sins like murder and robbery. Sin upon sin, turning what's good into what's sinful, becoming the most destructive sins, even. An African warlord may take the obvious sins to the extreme, yet in the civilized world, the sin that perverts can still destroy humanity, which is a far more prevalent practice than warlords, and when that sin of perversion becomes the most dominant force, then that opens door to the obvious destructive sins. And I feel that, America was about there, at the breaking point....

Jesus brought into earth the third nature. Through his death and resurrection, he reintroduced his nature, his life in us who believe, a new way, a new path to fight back to sin through the power of the Holy Spirit fighting back and the life of Christ growing more and more within us.

What we were made to desire, we once again have the means to attain it, though still very highly improbable, at least it's no longer impossible. And the path to sanctification is about this, not about not kiss a girl before marriage....

But picture this. The truth is, we are all no better than that guy in the story! We have desires, and we have sins, preventing us from having what we innately desire. There is no more truth....

Only with likeminded people who desire good things so much that they choose to love and be pure and not defile their own hearts in order to pursue after the lust of the flesh, only when those people come together and pursue God together, then there can be friendship. There are plenty of people who claim to love the Lord, but extremely few who take things this seriously....

So what is friendship? Friendship is when Jesus said to a servant, well done, when I was hungry, you fed me, when I was thirsty, you gave me water to drink, when I had no clothes you gave me stuff to wear (something like that, forgot the whole passage).... Friendship moves beyond the superficial feel good mutual gratification of the innate desire for friendship and fellowship, nor mutually beneficiary partnerships, but goes deeper than that, simply put, "Were you there for me?"

Chinese tend to be really conscious about what others think. We have become genetically hardwired to be like this. But the longer I live, the more I realized this is worthless, when it comes to friendships. Chinese care also because it's how connections are made, and connections get you stuff....

But like, to me, I'm seeing that, when others don't get what they want from me, they just make accusations, or complain that you are not a good person, that you don't love Jesus. But the thing is, when I ask the question that pertains to the two areas:

Do I need your connection? No....

Do I need to shut you up in order to maintain my reputation, if I choose to play that game? No....

Ok, so on that front it's worthless....

Now, is there genuine friendship going on...?

If I'm hungry, will you feed me? No...

If I'm thirsty will you give me drink? No....

If I'm naked will you clothes me? No....

Then on the front of friendship is there any value there? NO!

So, what's this relationship good for, besides what the Book of James wrote, "God bless you, be you warm and filled", but do NOTHING for the real needs.... What's it all good for? Absolutely NOTHING!

[phobio2000]

Jin Yong Overview

Sad news lately, that, Jin Yong, my favorite author, has died, after having lived a long and hopefully very comfortable life. His books indicate that he is a Buddhist, but one of his closest friends and a fellow writer is a Christian, and then Wikipedia said he went to Cambridge University to study western history or something, so hopefully his soul was saved. Even though he was a Buddhist, his writing shows that he is an extremely compassionate man, and it would be a great lost if his soul isn’t saved.

I heard from a friend that his son committed suicide. I don’t know what to think about that. I have no idea why he would, given the assumption that his father had taught him everything he knew about the world and life. But come to think of it, Jin Yong’s books may bring a lot of life and joy, but at the same time, the deeper you dealt into it, it also portrays the hopelessness of the human condition extremely well, and based on how I understood his work, he used Buddhism to make that reconciliation. So in order to truly embrace his teachings, you really have to have the same major breakthrough, that everything is emptiness. For example, the main character in “Deer and the Cauldron”, in the end he was making plans to get away from the emperor and disappear, but he made that plan all by himself. He has seven wives and many friends, but he didn’t tell anyone, not even his closest wife—this is the price of invincibility, which is a recurring theme in his books. So what’s the point, that you are presented with a path that leads to invincibility, and then even managed to pull it off, yet the side effect is that, you’ll be all alone? Is that a life worth living?

In his books there’s also this legendary character named “The Lonely Swordsman Who Begs for His Own Defeat.” He used four swords during his career. First, a regular sword. Second, a sword that’s soft and wiggly, that he discarded because it was too hard to control and he once accidentally wounded a friend. Third, a sword that’s made of an extremely dense metal. It’s the same size as a regular sword, but much heavier. Now, TV drama always made it a broad bastard sword type of weapon, but that’s not true. It’s a regular sized sword made with an extremely precious metal. And the fourth sword is no sword at all, just a wooden sword, a twig, anything will do. It characterizes the four stages of development in his swordsmanship. The techniques for the first sword is portrayed in one of his novels, as the same goes for the third sword. Yang Guo was working towards that fourth sword towards the end of his story, using the third sword technique without using that heavy sword to fight the final villain.

It is insane, when you think about how the first sword’s techniques was already so brilliant that it made the main character invincible, yet that’s only the first sword! There’s that pattern of development, starting from “a hundred countermoves for a hundred moves” of the first sword, to the few moves that counters innumerable moves of the third sword. But the main character of the first sword, he himself was trapped in a maze, unable to reconcile all of the chi’s that he absorbed, which in the end, he finally resolved them through some sacred Buddhism technique. I think that’s symbolic. The author is an extremely well learned man, and perhaps he himself had trouble reconciling all the things he learned. The main character of the third sword, he was troubled, too, but he was a much easier going person (the first sword guy is very emo, can’t let things go), so he just thought that, who cares, whatever works best for the situation is what he’ll use, no need to reconcile anything to make an unified theory.

I always thought that, perhaps only the Bible can truly reconcile all of these different doctrines. Because, it teaches that life is transient, sort of like Buddhism but not quite, yet Paul teaches that we are to be in this world but not of this world, in a general sense. For example, in the recent Winter School teaching I attended, taught by Robert Furgesson, he was saying that even though the church of Corinthians is full of problems, we still must believe that it is God’s will for us to be in a church community and pursue after Jesus together, that independence is a sin, and that, because Jesus is alive, because there is the power of the Holy Spirit working within us, there is still hope, even against this sin-cursed world. That was a huge wake up call for me, as all these years I’ve been going along with Jin Yong, that the human condition is really hopeless, and the only way to thrive is to become independent and self sufficient, and then have the power and resources to help to the extent that I feel is right. This really has been my vision and goal all these years, and I guess, since it’s not Biblically accurate enough (though noble), God never allowed me to succeed.

So to me, Jin Yong was an extremely smart man and extremely dedicated to seek out the truth, and these books really just represented his findings and his best effort in loving and saving the world the best he could. So even though it isn’t Christian literature, I have so much love and respect for him, and I only wish he had understood the Bible and then come to a different conclusion, but it’s hard because China, like many other Asian countries, have been subjected to western oppression throughout history. It’s hard to believe that God is love when historical facts painted such an ugly picture.

Well, I was not planning on writing any of these. I was just walking and thought of a story and wanted to write about that. But I guess I owe him an eulogy.

I was just walking around and a story popped into my head. In the first Condor Hero, it was all about right and wrong, good and evil, causes and big pictures stuff. And then when it transitioned into the second Condor Hero, it became all about individualism and romanticism. I guess that’s one of the big things with life, big picture stuff and individualism stuff. He is saying that both are good and can be worked towards the greater goods, that each has its place and there’s no need to pitch it against each other.

Personally, I've seen ministries that thrive on conning and brainwashing people with big causes, and then, when you dealt deeper into it, you see all sorts of dishonesty, darkness, hypocrisy, and contentions. And then, I've seen people who have dreams for themselves, and then they trust in God every step of the way, and when they succeeded, they use their influence for good. God examines the heart, and a lot of times things are really not what they seem, but often times the exact opposite. This is just something I've experienced in the past over and over again, enough to say that it's the story of my life. I'm just glad I've learned from those bad experiences, can help others from falling into the same traps, and that God has now placed me in a really nice church.

In the first story, there’s Hong Qi, the symbol of good and righteousness, and there is O-Yang Feng, the symbol of everything evil. They were going at it hard in the first story, and in the end, the villain sort of went crazy, lost his way, symbolic of what Jesus said “What good is it, if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” And then, in the second story, they met again. They fought, but under a different context, not so much as a result of being on opposite ends of big causes, like stopping the foreign invaders, but as individuals with diverging ideals who just have to settle the score once and for all.

They fought until they were both exhausted, but they still want to fight. Hong Qi describes a move to a middle man and asks him to pass it along to the villain, and the villain would describe a counter move, so it became like a chess match. Hong Qi was describing the secret stick fighting technique of his clan that has been passed down, improved upon, and perfected throughout the generations, so under normal circumstances, if it were real fighting, he would have won, but in this case, the villain had all the time he needed to think of a counter move. As the duel went on, the time the villain needed to think became longer and longer, and then, the sentiment of the match began to change, from wanting to kill each other into a passionate pursuit of martial art, which they both love. Eventually Hong Qi described the final move. It took the villain a long time to think about how to counter it, and at that point, Hong Qi was actually really excited about what the villain is going to come up with next. And finally when the villain came up with the final counter move, they embraced each other in great exhilaration. Hong Qi exclaimed, “O-Yang Feng! You are amazing!” And the villain said, “Oh, right, that’s my name, isn’t it?! YES!” And they both died at the moment, having completely exhausted themselves, which symbolizes that, under love (the theme of the novel), all the rights and wrongs and good and evil sort of just become less of a priority.

And this just makes me think, that perhaps one way to overcome sin is through the returning to childlikeness, that there is just something about it that makes people want to forsake sin and embrace that which gives them joy, hope, love, peace, the fruits of the Holy Spirit type things, that perhaps the answer is in the book of Philippians, that whatsoever is awesome, think upon those things.

“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on those things.” - Philippians 4:3-8.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I often thought that it comes down to an authentic look at the savior that brings people to repentance, like in the case of Matthew, Levi, and Zaccheaus. But it seems like, perhaps when imposing policies and activities that invoke childlike qualities, people may be gradually swayed towards good. However, the story descries them coming to the end of their strength, too, so I think that’s also important, yet perhaps “the end of their strength” can be a symbolic thing, like, say, parents imposing rules and children don’t have a choice, and then through being forced to seek childlikeness, things might turn around for them gradually, who knows. I think the underlying idea is that, it’s more about choosing to embrace something that’s better that will invoke a sense of life at the cost of letting go of the profits that comes through choosing sin by exercising the knowledge of good and evil.

[phobio2000]

Finding Joy

Just how do you beat the game of life? Let me put it this way. In the movie “The Matrix”, Neo was asked to choose between taking the blue pill and the red pill. Take the blue pill, everything stays as is, he’s comfortable, but will be feeling blue for not knowing the truth and seeking a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment. Take the red pill will lead him to the truth, give him a sense of purpose and fulfillment, yet at the end of the movie, he no longer see objects in the Matrix as they appear, but lines of code behind it.

Ignorance is bliss. Ecclesiastes says with much knowledge comes much sorrow. Knowledge is a heavy burden to bear. Even though the book also seems to suggest that the best way to live is to not think too much about life and not worry too much but just be. However, the problem is that, when we do that, the villains are going to have a free pass without the righteous standing up to resist them. In a way, this is sort of what has been happening. There are plenty of people who are overall pretty OK, law abiding citizens working at jobs and trying to make things comfortable for themselves. They don’t seem to care about the big picture, causes, and etc., and as a result, the bad people are having an open season, doing whatever they want, perverting everything, corrupting the world, while bribing the poor with free stuff, bribing the rich with easy money to get richer, slowly boil the middle class to death like it’s a frog, and get the smart ones to just go after money and pursuing self interest.

When I was in my early twenties, I just felt that love is the answer, even though I was not sure how and in what way. So, looking at the stuff written above, it’s really about people being willing to love, to look beyond themselves and take that red pill in order to become a part of the resistance in this crooked and corrupt generation, especially the smart and capable ones. Don’t you think that God gifted you this way so that you may have the power to lead and protect the weak?

That’s how I felt my whole life, that the smart ones are supposed to help the dumb ones and the strong ones are supposed to help the weak ones, that we each should make an effort to give what we have for the greater good and make contributions to make the world a better place together.

I guess my strength is in the area of social science and art type of things. I really did my best. I feel that, for 2019, God is asking me to change gear so that I can reap my harvest that I’ve sown into all the years prior. But today I felt so challenged, like, just how do you beat the game? Just how do you gain wisdom and maturity yet return to childlikeness. You can return to childlikeness by protecting your heart. However, there seems to be no way to beat the burden that comes with knowledge, and at the same time, the world has become so sinful that, without wisdom and knowledge, you’ll just end up getting cleaned out before you can taste any sense of innocence. So it’s like an impossible situation.

For example, there is this Chinese restaurant that I love. However, when I eat there, I’d think about how this chain is opened by two brothers, who ended up fighting over money and are not in good terms. And with that knowledge on the back of my head, the food and the dinning experience suddenly isn’t nearly as good as say, a child who just doesn’t know anything and just enjoys it all.

So how do you beat this? Do you know or not know?

I feel alive with Christ inside of me, and that only gets better and better the more I pursue him. Jesus is the Lord of life! You can’t possibly obtain more life any other way than through pursuing him! However, at the same time, in all practicality, human behaviors have just become a game of identifying patterns and strategize optimal responses that most accentuates the spirit of love. It is a very effective approach. It is also Biblical, dying to self and becoming a servant for the happiness of others and then point them to Jesus. However, life and human interaction feels like babysitting, at least partially. Where is that zest and spontaneity? Is that lost forever, even with a successful pursuit of childlikeness?

There should be another level of breakthrough to be had. Because, ultimately, perhaps the best way to give and serve is to be a part of the equation and the total immersion of the experiences, rather than being like a butler. Perhaps enjoying and indulging and delighting yourself in these interactions for the sake of love is the next step upward. But just how is that supposed to happen? Is there a way to truly beat the game of life through the gospel of Jesus Christ? Childlikeness means childlikeness, and perhaps the full realization of this calling requires nothing less than a total miracle from God.

The next morning I felt the Holy Spirit reminding me of this verse:

"You will show me the paths of life. In your presence is fullness of joy. At your right hand there is pleasure forever more."

[phobio2000]

How I Think About Problems

You know how after a female praying mantis mates, she cuts off the head of the male? Is that symbolic, of us men, who are just going to keep mating anyway? And women? Pastor Brian said when God said to Eve that her desire shall be of her husband, it implied the desire to control men. It was shocking to me when I heard it. I thought that’s only what certain type of women do, and then, I’ve observed that with some women, they would tend to just do things because they desire their husbands. I think both are true, and it comes down to how to work with them and make things thrive on both fronts, as well as for them to best work with themselves and channel these ancients traits toward the right direction according to God’s will.

The older I grow the more I feel that life is far more about the internal things, such that, after you’ve reached a place of sufficiency and comfort externally, the internal things sort of depict your happiness far more so than the luxuries of life. I mean, it’s good to be comfortable and thrive, a blessing, for sure, yet without the internal stuff thriving, it’s arguably worse off than a mere sufficient person who is rich on the inside. And the tragedy is that, we are sheep, worse, blind sheep, who tend to be so willing to forsake the pursuit of inner wealth in order to be more focused on outer wealth, and as a result, I’ve seen so many people who got what they went for, and they are comfortable and blessed, yet a part of them is so miserable because they are impoverished on the inside. I think that, in order to be happy, you got to work on both. Don’t be like those who think that the intangibles are a waste of time, taking precious resources away from pursuing after financial goals. Because if you do that, there is a good chance that you will be miserable later.

This is obvious, as it is such a cliché to hear people say, “I have all this stuff, so why am I not happy?”

Jesus is the shepherd and bishop of our souls. Look to him and he will save you.

So, back on topic. I think the biggest complaint from women is “all men want to do is mate”, and men “all you women want to do is to chop my head off after.” it may sound ridiculous and I am just trying to push for new grounds here. I’m thinking, maybe it’s a matter of primal desires intertwined with sin. I think culture and indoctrination, a lot of it has to do with how to manage primal inclinations and strategize towards how to best manage people Iiving in the society towards the collective good of the community. Like say, Japanese men traditionally are supposed to give their paychecks to their wives to manage, and then it is OK for men to go out drinking with coworkers after work, which I think are just means to satiate these primal inclinations. And when the society collectively follow these cultural rules, the society thrives. Yet without these cultures, primal inclinations would run wild and things would become chaotic. But no culture is perfect, so there is rebellion and counter-culture.

So, one problem that I’ve been working on for a long time is just this, to identify and understand our primal inclinations, and then try and see how the various cultures deal with it, and then see what the Bible has to say about it, and then try and see if there is room for correction and improvement.

It’s like statistical modeling. No model can explain all of the data. Each model addresses a subset of data that is hopefully comprehensive enough to get good results and reasonably addresses the problems within the data, and then hedge off the data that it does not cover, yet it would be good enough to call it reasonably comprehensive yet not perfect, yet comprehensive enough and gives good enough of a result to implement and build upon.

Some models are just flat out not comprehensive enough and not well developed enough to even address the problems within the data it covers, so that it not only has to hedge off the data outside, but within itself as well. Those are not good….

Few are quite good, but no model is perfect and we must strive towards greater truth, going deeper within the data and then gradually expand to cover more data. The truth lies within the Bible and we just have to slowly work things out.

Don’t rest and be too comfortable with the model because you are seeing results, and don’t ever think that the result you are getting can’t be improved upon as a result of seeking deeper truth. Keep your cup half empty, always, because truth is infinite.

The discovery of a truth often times just lead to more questions, and often times with the discovery of truths we can only say that we are 90% sure or 95% of this tiny piece of truth, based on everything we know so far. It’s interesting how in Hillsong’s albums “III Live”, Laura said that a famous theologian once said that all of his theological studies can be summed up with just “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” I can see it two ways, one, every theological truth points to Jesus loves me, and two, it’s just really hard to say that you know something to be the absolute truth with 100% certainty. Thus, this sense of assuming 100% certainty, this sense of suritiship, it may be empowering, but it sort of prevents you from being open to the possibility of uncovering greater truths, as well.

I think that, in light of this, the best we can do is to say that we cannot see the whole truth clearly in this life (1 Cor 13:12), thus, if the Lord willing, we will do this and that (Jame 4:15).

People often say to work hard and then work smart, but I like to add to work inquisitively, as well. This sense of wonder actually makes life much more interesting and fun, which is motivating. It makes you want to be more engaging. It makes life more fun in everything you do.

So like, back to the Japanese. In their traditional culture married couples don’t sleep in the same room. The wife would sleep with the baby in a separate room. So what issue is that trying to correct? Japanese currently aren’t making enough babies and have to rely on robotics for their future.

[phobio2000]

Narrow Gate First

For many years I have the burden for marriages and relationships.  I collected a lot of data, conducted very thorough analysis, scrutinized every detail, and I thought I have devised a set of strategies that is going to really work well.  However, I realized that, without a good heart, it’s all pretty much useless.  Arguably, it may be even better for these strategies and techniques to not exist so that people will be more desperate and turn to Jesus.  

And then I have a second realization, that women like me not because of these external things, but because I love Jesus.  Without this love, I would not have had the encounters that I did.  

And then I have a third realization, that most of these strategies are devised based on those who are walking through the broad gates and the wide ways that lead to death.  They are far too complicated, unnecessary, and won’t necessarily lead to good results.  

I realized that, when you make the decision to walk through the narrow gate and the difficult way that leads to life, things suddenly become much easier, in such a way that, most of the problems and challenges that you would otherwise face, they don’t exist here.  

It’s like what Jesus said after his conversation with the rich young ruler, that for a rich man to inherit the kingdom of God is like having a camel going through the eye of a needle.  Now, personally, I believe that the eye of the needle is not literally the eye of an actual needle, but a tiny entrance into the city that people use after the main gate closes, and it is a lot of hard work and humility for a camel to get through it, must get on its knees and squeeze and be humble, and having an earnest desire to want to get to the other side no matter what.  Yes, it is hard work, and requires a lot of humility, but it is well worth it.  Because, when you get to the other side, guess what, you are in the kingdom of heaven and the view looks much nicer on this side.  

In principle, things like good looks, charm, popularity, these can all be considered as “riches”, while this highly popular yet extremely elusive thing called “true love” can be compared to the kingdom of heaven, symbolically, in this case.  

Now, just because you don’t “sin” and live conservatively does not imply that you are on the good side, by default, which is a very common misconception.  The thing is, there are a lot of people who are really responsible, work hard, and are overachievers, yet they really struggle with their relationships.  They would often think that life is not fair and complain that because they don’t sleep around, they ought to be entitled for more.  However, when you live your life for yourself, when all you think about is your own careers, own gains, and don’t really apply your heart to think about what love is, what it really means, and then follow Jesus by imitating him, having deep fellowship with him, and being eager to give more of yourself to him in the likeness of Mary pouring out the alabaster ointment over Jesus, you are arguably just an ethical decent human being that attends church, for the most part.  I am not saying this in a judgmental, condemning context, but merely trying to point out that there is so much more God has in store for you.  

And only after you become like David, a man after God’s own heart, then these strategies and techniques have relevance.  Bottom line, without a good heart, you will fail, whether it be during dating and things not going the right direction, or after marriage when the sinful heart lead to numerous challenges and miseries.  It’s inevitable and inescapable.  You get what you go for, you reap what you sow.  

So, to get through the first phase of getting through the eye of the needle, I think Francis Chan’s teachings are just perfect.  I am a big fan.  I think his teachings can be summed up with “Contentment with godliness is great gain.”  His teachings are very foundational.  It’s kind of like when you learn kung-fu, you got to do the horse stance, and once the foundation is good, sky is the limit, hence “great gain.”  

The interesting thing about him is that, even though he’s not especially charming nor good with women, he ended up marrying a former Miss Teen California, who is a great Christian and a very good wife.  They have seven children together plus adopting foster children.  So this is pretty much the proof that, when you have a good heart that’s fully dedicated to God, sometimes that’s all you need.  

He wrote a book called “Crazy Love.”  

The best teaching I have heard from him so far is titled “Don’t Rely on People”.  You can search for it on YouTube “Pastor Francis Chan 2017 | Don’t Rely on People.”  It covers a lot of material!  

He and his wife also wrote a book on marriage called “Me and You Forever.”  He talked about it on a YouTube video.  You can search for “Francis’s Chan: Marriage in Light of Eternity - Navigators 2015.”  I agree with everything he said, but I don’t think he has the whole picture.  There is the whole emotional and chemistry side of things that seems to be lacking, but like I said, this is the foundation.  

Relationship is basically chemistry.  Men and women just don’t understand one another.  I think a good starting point is to watch the Japanese animated movie “Kimagure Orange Road.”  Search for “Kimagure Orange Road Movie 1 English Sub” on YouTube.  It is in a play format.  It obviously does not measure up to Shakespeare, but to my best knowledge the information contained is very pure and accurately reflects what’s going on in women’s hearts (although the course of action each take varies).  I think it is very well done.  

There is also a TV series and a second movie.  I’d skip those for now.  

I remember I first watched an episode of this when I was in the fifth grade, in Taiwan.  Back then, I’d rent a lot of Japanese anime after school, mostly ones about robots and martial arts.  One day I rented this without knowing what it is and I really liked it.  I think that’s when I have those funny feelings for the first time.  But there was no other videos to be rent and I soon moved to the US, which is a good thing.  I believe it was too early for me.  For whatever reason, I never watched it again, other than the first movie and maybe a few episodes of the TV series.  I think it took a lot of discipline to stay away from something that I knew I was susceptible to.  Growing up I watched other romance anime’s and it didn’t’ really do much for me.  But I started watching a few episodes this week and wow it is the sweetest story, ever.  It is pretty educational, every episode seems to have a point so far, and it is pretty deliberate in conveying the author’s intention to stay away from fake melodramatic emotions and lust, but taking a minimalistic approach in portraying genuine emotions and chemistry.  I am loving it, although, had I watched it at a younger age I’m not sure if I’d be able to handle it and I could end up losing objectivity, who knows, could have been a good thing, better than getting brainwashed lol :D.  

And with that, I’d like to do a breakdown of what I thought of the first movie and see if it’s helpful.  

“It’s not about the other girl, it’s about your true feelings.”  Not sure what bug hit me today to have sudden flashbacks of this anime.  Last time I watched this I was a teenager.  Looking at it again now, it feels like I could understand and pick up everything.  

It’s basically this guy, Kasuga, who is pretty pure and nice and naïve, believes in being responsible and be a good person and believes in love, while still has a keen interest in girls, which makes him a very attractive package, especially comparing to the other two guys in the movie.  Yet it is a rare combination to have that fine balance.  Responsible men tend to be emotionally obtuse while those who are emotionally keen tend to be too naughty.  So, Hikaru picked up on that and decided to make a run at him, knowing that he loves the other girl more, but when it comes to love, women can get pretty feral. 

The three of them have been best friends for the past few years.  The love triangle has always been there.  Kasuga has always loved Madoka while not wanting to hurt Hikaru’s feelings.  Hikaru was young and didn’t really care, just thought that he’s a great guy and wanted to be with him.  Madoka grew up with Hikaru and is very mature for her age, so she has been taking the position of understanding, letting things go on.  However, time is ticking.  They will be graduating soon.  What will the future look like?  Things cannot keep going like this indefinitely.  

Hikaru is aware of this, that unless she makes a move, by default Kasuga will end up with Madoka and she herself will be a little sister figure.  Looking around, there really isn’t any other good guys like him, while good guys are hard to find, so she decided to act on the age old sentiment of “If I get him, he is mine, and what is mine is mine.”  So she set a trap for him that led up to a kiss, which deeply disturbed Madoka.  Her emotions got out of balance, which eventually drove her to go feral, as well, which was a god thing, because in real life, so often times women in that situation would just hold it in and let the other girl have her way, which ended up with them missing out on the love of their lives and whoever they ended up with later, no matter good or not, it still would leave them wounded for a long time, especially if they ended up with someone they are not entirely happy with.  

As the story progresses, the chemistry between him and Madoka is just better, just naturally pleasant and comfortable, that sense of completeness like they are just meant to be together.  Hikaru is good, too, just not as good.  

I think the two peak moments were when Hikaru kissed Kasuga and when Madoka decided she has to have him, and after that it was like Madoka saying, “I like you, Hikaru, I care about you, but I just can’t let you have him.”  After that it was all about securing him for herself, which she rightfully could because his true feeling are towards her and it would be wrong to let Hikaru take him without any contest.  

Kasuga was naïve, but the good thing about him is that, once he saw the importance of waking up and deal with the issue, he held up, stuck to his gun, and did what was required of him.  If he let Hikaru kiss him again or even sleep with her, it would have been really horrible.  And when he was finally determined to let Hikaru get rained on instead of always coming to her rescue like before, and then he told Madoka about it the next day, she on one hand kept the pressure on, saying that she forgives him because otherwise he’d have no one to turn to (whereas before she was very lenient and easy going, but she also now realized that she cannot let this go on anymore).  But her true feelings were shown in her facial expression, with her hair sort of fuzzy and her soul at ease, that it has been a stressful time and now she knows she has won.  

I think it’s brilliant how the story captures real emotions.  

I think that, don’t be the perpetrator.  Honor and respect other people’s true feelings and don’t try to force the issue.  I admire Madoka because, if his true feelings were not for her she would not have gone feral.  She is an honorable person.  Hikaru knew she was on the side of wrong the whole time but just kept on milking the fact that she’s young and he’s soft, naïve, and nurturing by nature.  

I think I am having an epiphany, as well, having been such a sacrificial giver my whole life and always put the feelings of others first without really factoring in my own true feelings.  I don’t think I did anybody any favor by doing that because when I don’t have true feelings towards someone she is going to feel insecure and go feral, which is not going to be good for anybody.  But back then I was so broken I had true feelings for no one.  I only tried to take care of people, solve problems, give others what they want, try to make others happy.  I did not know that true feelings matter this much to women.  My bad….  But again, if you are targeted, true feelings don’t matter, like how Hikaru felt, just capture him first and work on true feelings later.  It’s complicated lol :D….  But looking at how Hikaru ended up tearing herself apart, it’s really a risky proposition….  

[phobio2000]

Pure in Heart

“When Jesus was at Bethany, a guest of Simon the Leper, a woman came up to him as he was eating dinner and anointed him with a bottle of very expensive perfume. When the disciples saw what was happening, they were furious. “That’s criminal! This could have been sold for a lot and the money handed out to the poor.”

When Jesus realized what was going on, he intervened. “Why are you giving this woman a hard time? She has just done something wonderfully significant for me. You will have the poor with you every day for the rest of your lives, but not me. When she poured this perfume on my body, what she really did was anoint me for burial. You can be sure that wherever in the whole world the Message is preached, what she has just done is going to be remembered and admired.”

That is when one of the Twelve, the one named Judas Iscariot, went to the cabal of high priests and said, “What will you give me if I hand him over to you?” They settled on thirty silver pieces. He began looking for just the right moment to hand him over.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭26:6-16‬ ‭MSG‬‬

http://bible.com/97/mat.26.6-16.msg

It’s interesting how the final triggering event for Judas to betray Jesus was the ultimate devotion of Mary, pouring that expensive bottle of perfume over Jesus, while probably only wishing she had more to give. Perhaps it was at that point Judas thought, “Dang it! I had it with this Jesus! I thought he is going to be king someday and it’s a great opportunity to get rich, but now he is talking about his burial? All those signs and wonders, the healings, the inspiring teachings, do they culminate to money? NO! It’s time to take matters into my own hand and get some money out of this. I’ve put up with this life of discipleship for long enough, following him everywhere yet getting nowhere!”

It seems like greed and covetousness have been burning inside him the whole time, going unchecked over a long period of time, with burning lust accumulating inside of him. Every hardship of following him, every day of labor, every act of kindness, even, he had to fake it and suppress it all, while hoping for the day Jesus reigns and he gets untold riches.

The triggering event is just an excuse. It’s no different from a lust driven person wanting to sin, when he/she knew it’s wrong, but could not walk away from it, so the lust accumulates more and more until it’s just a matter of pulling a hair-trigger, just some small thing that gives the excuse to go down that path, just enough to make him/her say, “Fuck it! I’m doing this!”, just like the way Judas did here.

You don’t have to betray Jesus to act in the spirit of Judas. The Bible says when we take communion, examine ourselves. We need to always have a clear view of what’s going on in our hearts at all times, keep it clean, and then make it cleaner still. For on one end of the spectrum, there is the Biblical promise that those who are pure in heart shall see God, and then, on the other end is the example that Judas left us. It’s a matter of where you are and where you are going, whether you are truly building on a solid rock foundation or sinking sand that, eventually will topple you over with just a pull of a hair-trigger.

[phobio2000]

Being Expectant

Pastor Brian often talks about being expectant when venturing into the unknown, whether it be with jobs, girlfriend, business, projects. It is invigorating, empowering, and encouraging along the way and really helps take the edge off and keep your head clear and leveled. However, the obvious question is that, what if you are expectant and the outcome is not what you expected or hoped for? Is being expectant also being presumptuous?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot, especially during this season of job searching. Earlier on, I was really being expectant, and it really worked, but when an opportunity did not come through, there is a great deal of hurt and disappointment. Before, I thought that, I’d rather live with the benefits of being expectant and then deal with the disappointments later, if I need to. However, when I was hit with disappointment after disappointment, I just thought that this is not going to work. The pain is just too much to bear.

So I went the other way and not be expectant, and there was a different kind of pain to bear, the fear, the uncertainties, anxieties. I make sure that I stay encouraged when I come to church, such that, at least when I am here, I am able to lift up my faith and worship the Lord with the people, to contribute to the environment and to not drag anybody down, and then, by the end of the day, I am usually pretty blessed and encouraged, yet I am returning to the same environment, grinding through another week of this.

I tried prayer. I realized that the joy of the Lord is my strength, and when I am in the state of joy in the Lord, I feel all right. However, with the neighbors’ harassment and the devil’s accusations, praying is a wrestling match. Some days work out better than others.

Pastor Diego preached about not letting the enemy stealing your joy, and Pastor Ben preached about the story of Jesus, praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. I realized that, when I pray for other people instead of for myself, God blesses me more, so that’s what I’ve been doing.

A dear friend also suggests that I clean the place up and do things, which will help change my state of mind. I’ve been praying for grace to clean up the place. For whatever reason, that has been really challenging, to shake free of that horder’s mentality. However, today I realized one thing, that my whole life I never really wanted to live. I just feel that life isn’t worth it. I’ve been feeling that way my whole life, ever since the day when I was a kid and my parents were fighting in front of me. I looked at the picture of my kindergarten graduation, looking all cute and innocent, and then I looked up, seeing my parents standing right next to me, screaming at each other with hatred in their eyes, totally disregarding who else was in the room and what effect this fighting has on them. Suddenly I felt like my innocence is lost, I don’t want to live anymore, so I took that picture and tore it into four pieces. My dad quickly screamed at me, saying that the picture costed some money, and I was so afraid of him and shut up, but it only further anchored my thought that my life is worth shit, such that, here I am screaming and crying, and my father only screamed at me for tearing up something that costs a little money. Ever since that day I just didn’t want to live anymore.

I tried to stay strong by thinking that if I die, it will bring shame upon the name of Jesus and other people will not want to be Christians anymore. I thought that I am here on earth with a purpose, with something to give, so I will love as well as I can and make whatever contributions I can to make it worthwhile, while I am around anyway. Like Apostle Paul said, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain,” right? However, I have experienced so much pain, betrayals, and insensitive acts of selfishness, of people taking advantage of me and lying to me, just taking me for granted and tossed me out like garbage, which makes love really hard. But I held on, believing what the Bible says, that love never fails, those who sow in tears will reap in joy. Yet all along the way there is a big problem, that in order to love, I have to burn myself on the inside. The more I love, the more I give, the more cold and detached I become on the inside, in order to keep going, letting go of the expectations, letting go of myself, keep telling myself that I am just here to love and give and expect nothing in return. And for many years I really lived this way. I realized that, love is so pathetic, I mean, the way people think of love is just absolute hypocrisy, double standard, selfish. So, in order to keep on loving and giving, I could only take on the perspective that these are all just assignments, while no one can have me, nor my heart. It seems like the more I love the more broken I become.

I think this brokenness has been really challenged ever since I started attending Hillsong Church. It felt like I found my own people, that they don’t just want me to do stuff for them and make them happy, that I am not just a tool, but who I am matters, and it really shook my way of thinking all these years. How can so much brokenness possibly be restored? But Jesus can do anything. He does not want me to live while thinking like this for the rest of my life, that he has great blessings in store for my life, that the best is yet to come.

I feel that, all these years, I have a dichotomy going. While I prefer to just live a life resembling that of Anna and Simeon, who just dedicated their lives serving God, but at the same time, I have a burden for people in the area of relationships, marriage, and family, and I think about that a lot. And then, the circumstances and experiences that God put me through has been so interesting. I never bothered chasing women, but for whatever reason, I’ve had so many encounters with them. Perhaps it’s when I am determined to love and give as much as I can, women find that attractive, like a bee smelling the fragrance of a flower. So I ended up dancing with many of them, while my peculiar background and thoughts made it so that it’s difficult to have something at least semi-permanent, although, I learned that, a lot of them, they were not good, in hindsight, and that my peculiarities turned out to be a protection for myself.

So right now, I believe that God’s will is for me to get married some day, to who, I do not know, but I think right now the dichotomy is gone, I am no longer jaded about this, and I want to do this.

I guess sex has always been a huge motivator for men of wanting to get married, but it was never a huge thing for me, personally, just optional, as I have set my heart on celibacy all these years, yet at the same time, learning to cultivate my emotions and channeling them towards the right directions. But I guess sex is good, I like sex, I prefer sex, sure, it’s great, why not? Lol :D.

But anyways, back on topic. Today I just felt like the Lord wants a commitment from me—the commitment to want to live. So I told the Lord, that I want to live, even if it’s by obedience to his will. And then I told the Lord that I want to live, even if it’s by faith, that I believe that life is worth it, in spite of it all.

Why is God so adamant about wanting me to want to live I do not know. He just never stopped challenging me, keep giving me bad experiences and then make me choose life over death. And in this season, I really prefer to die. It’s just too hard, without incentives and rewards, and with so much persecutions in the most ridiculous and extraordinary ways! What’s the point of life when it’s just going to be more and more pain and suffering and more and more ridiculously bad and extraordinarily bad experiences over and over and that all of my efforts just never got my anywhere practically but only giving me good life experiences, wisdoms, and some skills that I don’t even know what they are good for.

I think that, perhaps God wants to push me to the very limit right now because, let’s say things become stabilized, I am just going to live like a semi-zombie, fulfilling my responsibilities as a man, a Christian, a friend, a father, a husband, a part of the church, while on the inside I still have no interest in life at all whatsoever that I’d still prefer death and get it over with, that while on earth I am just going to serve others and make life work for others and make others happy, and then just go home and continuing on with this secret life, while dreaming about being a kamikaze pilot that could just crash a plane into something and get it over with, fulfilling my responsibilities and having my wish granted at the same time—God does not want that for me.

So like, after that new commitment to life is made, I felt that God gave me the grace to overcome the horder’s persona. I kept taking things to the local donation spot while feeling less emotional struggle about it, that I’m cool with letting things go because I want to live now and I don’t want to live with those junks.

But back to being expectant. While walking to the donation spot a thought hit me. I recalled all the times before when I was dealing with women. Now, when I do that, I don’t take things casually, I recognize that there are hearts and feelings involved, that I am required to be committed and see it as something that can lead to something permanent. It’s a different mentality from the typical, “What can I get out of it? I am not that serious, let’s see how it goes.” Well, while I think it’s a journey and a process of discovery, I do proceed with the mindset that I would prefer and hope that things will go towards the right direction, even though, realistically, it may or may not turn out that way. So, naturally, I was being expectant, yet in a really balanced way. There is no point to proceed with it when I am not expectant, thinking that this is going to suck and will never work out. I always do my best. Even when there seems to be obstacles and issues, I am optimistic about how I can help. But in the end, so far, things tend to go wrong one way or another way, unexpected, or expected yet unable to turn it around in spite of my best effort. But I can say that I’ve always been true and I always did my best and gave my all, even to my own hurt. I don’t see things like, “The other girl is prettier than you.” I only see whether if I can cultivate genuine love with the individual and if things work out well, then so be it. This beauty pageant mentality just isn’t practical or helpful, in my opinion. If the heart is pure and there’s sincerity and a lot of good stuff, then that’s good for me. I have to like the way she looks, and she does not have to be super hot for that to happen.

So I think that, looking for work is the same mentality. It’s a good thing to be expectant, to hope for the best, that things will work out, but that does not always turn out to be the case for many many reasons, as I have learned this season. Sometimes I lack certain experience. Sometimes the manager never wanted to hire me anyway but just want to pick my brain while he holds the high ground and can make me answer any question. Sometimes the manager is looking for something different. Sometimes it’s too competitive and I did not come out on top. The underlying mentality is no different with my experiences with women. While at the core, I must believe that God loves me and has a plan for my life, even though I do not know for sure what it is. It’s not different from how I believe that God has a woman in mind for me, even though I don’t know who she is, and someone I could be working with may or may not be the one, it could just be a good experience that helps us both grow, or it could be something really special that leads to a lifetime of companionship. You never know, but be expectant, try your best, while don’t be thinking that this must be the one.

May God give me the grace to hold on to him and follow through. Amen.

[phobio2000]

Encouragement

“Next Jesus let fly on the cities where he had worked the hardest but whose people had responded the least, shrugging their shoulders and going their own way. “Doom to you, Chorazin! Doom, Bethsaida! If Tyre and Sidon had seen half of the powerful miracles you have seen, they would have been on their knees in a minute. At Judgment Day they’ll get off easy compared to you. And Capernaum! With all your peacock strutting, you are going to end up in the abyss. If the people of Sodom had had your chances, the city would still be around. At Judgment Day they’ll get off easy compared to you.”

Abruptly Jesus broke into prayer: “Thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth. You’ve concealed your ways from sophisticates and know-it-alls, but spelled them out clearly to ordinary people. Yes, Father, that’s the way you like to work.”

Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. “The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I’m not keeping it to myself; I’m ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen. “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:20-30‬ ‭MSG‬‬

http://bible.com/97/mat.11.20-30.msg

1. Jesus worked the hardest towards the most indifferent and irresponsive.

2. Jesus seems frustrated after he had to stop working there and move on. Maybe discouraged, too, yet out of love he still give them his final verdict, hoping that someone will respond after hearing it, though realistically that is not likely. Yet, even with Jesus, when it’s time to move on, he moves on.

3. He quickly encouraged himself through prayer, giving thanks for all things, thanking the Father. Or, maybe that’s when the Father spoke to him and encouraged him, giving him the insight, the next step. Perhaps God doesn’t always spell everything out for us or work in ways we fully understand, and in bad situations he would just give us a little insight, just enough for us to embrace it by faith and let it satisfy our hearts just enough to make a decision between dwelling on the disappointments or take the next step with joy and keep going, continuing to delight ourselves in doing the will of the Father. So it makes me wonder, what’s my little insight today? It’s no trivial matter how Jesus worked really hard yet no one responded. Perhaps there are those who are going through the same things, investing in people, churches, dreams, or just trying really hard for a long time to make it work, yet it still has not. Should we be asking God to lay it all out on the table and go through all the details so that we can have a comprehensive understanding? That would be nice, but I feel that, often times, this won’t come until after the ordeal is long over and you look back and give yourself a report card, that’s when you’ll get more of a bird’s eye view and objective perspective of what was happening and how well you did in terms of how you’ve followed God or didn’t. Sometimes we will be glad we did good and feel excited about wanting to do it again and better, and sometimes we will feel that we didn’t do as well as we could have and pray that the next time around we will do better. Give us this day our daily bread.

4. And then Jesus encouraged himself, reinvigorated himself, recommitted himself, doubled down on the effort, came back even stronger. He told everyone (as well as professing to the world) who he is and what he is here to do. And then he continued down that path of sacrificial giving even further by offering himself freely to the people, saying that anyone interested in learning, he will teach in details. And then he went over the overview of what he is offering and teaching, making bold claims that he holds the key to solve these fundamental issues with humanity and encouraged everyone to follow him so they can be set free. As a side note, he was offering salvation in the here and now and not just escaping hell. I believe that it’s only when people can feel and experience his salvation in the here and now that they’ll find real relevance and credibility in the heaven and hell part of the gospel message.

[phobio2000]

Brand New

I think that, even though it has been a very rough season, this switch to become like Daniel has been very beneficial. It suits me. It's who I am, the way I was born. It was a result of nurture that turned me into this super tough person that I don't think I ever enjoyed being. Sure, I love trying hard and live with exhilaration, but at the same time, I wasn't like the first born with that type of leadership aspirations. I enjoy being sheltered, nurtured, protected, being told what to do, and then just concentrate on what I do best, love, and am passionate about.

The thing is that, I did not have that kind of environment. In fact, I had the exact opposite of that, which is unusual, because, usually it's either being in a decent environment or be left out in the pastures where people learn to survive. But I was placed in environments that were really against me, teaching me things that don't help and hold me back from tapping into resources that would, or simply let nature take its course and grow naturally. And then I had people who had major stakes to control me and put me down, such that, my very exisance in their world was a conflict of what they want, or, there was good incentive to prey on me. So I really had no choice.

But this adversity forced me to keep trying, seek out answers, become stronger and more capable, which led me to know what I know now, or at least it has been a major contributing factor.

It has been crazy lately, being crushed the way i did. But right now, I'm seeing that it's such a blessing, because i am becoming a new person, or, becoming who i was born to be, by nature. And i really enjoy it.

I'm in a good church now. I love it. I got there super early yesterday to help with set up. It felt like a blessing rather than a sacrifice. I think i really want to become a part of things, be it church, friends, family, girlfriend. I feel like I've been on this lonely journey for far too long and now God is finally entering me into something new, and, without being crushed, without this transition, things would've been really difficult for the rest of my life, i imagine. So i give thanks, in spite of it all.

I am still trying to understand what it means to be expectant. It's something Pastor Brian Houston mentions a lot. But right now, i am sort of expectant of what God will do next, and what plans he has in store for me, as this feels like the beginning of something brand new.

[phobio2000]

Discipline

The Bible spoke of the importance of disciplining children, verses that said things like sparing discipline on your children is like you hate them. Now, why is that? On one hand, you need to discipline them so that they will do right and succeed in life. On the other hand, you need to discipline them so that they will know that it really hurts when they suffer the consequences of doing wrong, so that when they grow up, they won’t be spanked by life when they act all crazy and out of control. I feel like I’ve been disciplined by God since my childhood, and then got disciplined by life, learning many life lessons the hard way. I think that, besides discipline, I also need to be taught things, and when that’s missing, I learn it the hard way. Nevertheless, though, even though I have been learning things the hard way, the Lord has been teaching me through all of my life experiences. He has been with me all along. Because, I know that there are others who were also disadvantaged, went through life not knowing some things, and then get bumped around like I did, but they don’t really learn from it the way I did. I guess God works in mysterious ways. Jesus said that the flock is plenteous, but the laborers are few, so while we may not be able to have mentors, we have the Holy Spirit, if we are willing to believe, trust, and keep pressing in and stepping out in faith, believing that he is there, that he is with us through it all, and that he does provide and deliver. Today when I prayed, I just felt like praying, “Lord, I let go of my contentiousness and my pride. I let go of myself.” It is such a relief to be able to let that heavy baggage go. When I do it feels like I’m suddenly so relieved. Perhaps it feels like when a child gets disciplined, that sense of edginess is suddenly gone, replaced by a sense of calmness, peace, serenity, a state of just being at peace with yourself. Why did it take that long for God to do this for me? Why did it take so much pressure? I do not know, but I trust him, and I love where I am now. To God be the glory, amen.

[phobio2000]

Change 2

“House M.D.” is one of those shows, that, even though I’ve seen it many times before, when I revisit it I always pick up something new, and often times the new things I pick up tend to reflect my new life experiences. Today I got caught up with the character developments of Dr. Chase and Dr. Foreman. Foreman always make fun of Chase, saying he is hard-wired to kiss butt, that he grew up in a rich family, and as long as he kisses his father’s butt, he gets what he wants, and now he kisses his boss’s butt and his girlfriend’s butt by always agreeing with them. Chase, though provoked, didn’t care, but insisted on doing what he believes in. Now, in this world, the loud negative voices tend to be the most noticeable, but the thing is that, as it turns out, Chase learned the most from Dr. House. Like in this episode I watched yesterday, Dr. House was on a trip and the team needed to heal a patient on their own, and it was Chase who finally figured out what is wrong. And if you fast forward it to the end, it was Chase who ended up taking over the department, while Foreman went on to become the hospital’s administrator. So I think it’s about what you want in life. I am trying SO HARD right now to transition myself into this new season, this new vision and direction that God has pointed me to. So suddenly I am seeing things differently. I think that for someone like Dr Foreman, who grew up as a poor black man in a bad community, he had to be a fighter, and by being negative, it empowers him to overcome adversities. That’s the path that worked for him and got him to where he is. For Chase, he was born privileged. He didn’t have to care about overcoming bad odds, life is never about sink or swim, he never had to experience the same kind of pain, desperation, and struggle that Foreman did. So to him, it’s more about whatever works best for what he sets out to do, what’s most important and beneficial to him. So I ask myself, do I want to be Foreman or Chase? I used to like Foreman for being so aggressive, and I think that for me, having that mentality myself really had helped me in the past. But that is not where I am anymore. Do I want to keep wrestling and become an administrator or manager? No, I don’t have such aspiration, nor do I think I am the manager type. I am just a good worker who wants to work hard and be good at what I do. So why not transition to be more like Chase?

[phobio2000]

Change

Jeremy Clarkson is my hero because of his free-spiritedness and flamboyance. For years I thought that this is how life should be lived, and that, even though I am weak and not smart and talented like him, perhaps if I live by faith God will strengthen me. How do I characterize the man. Well, in his own words, when he describes Audi cars (back in the days when the new styling was introduced, the kind that we are used to seeing now), he commented that Audis are like men wearing a nice suit or tuxedo, working in Wall Street. It’s nice but there is a sense of conformity and a lack of freedom and free expression. I am paraphrasing, this is how I understood it. So for years I kept on trying and trying and trying, wanting to overcome my odds, being mindful of what the Book of Revelation says about being an overcomer. I had a great run, I really did. I learned a lot, grew a lot. Through God’s leading and my unconditional cooperation, I actually became a pretty capable guy who knows some stuff about life. But here is the danger. Because I thought I was growing and learning. Because I thought I was living by faith to please the Lord. Because the Lord kept providing for me and teaching me things, and because I am so eager to correct myself in order to improve, I thought I am on the right track while completely overlooking some horrible and morbid faults that have been hurting me for years without me realizing it. What can I say? I can only think of it as Jesus’ story about the wheat and the tares. The farmer planted some wheat, but at night the enemy came and planted some tares, which is a plant that looks like wheat but is actually a bad plant. In the morning the servant saw it and asked the master whether if he should pull them out. The master said, “No, because then you would damage the wheat, too. Let them both grow concurrently, and then, when it is time for harvest, we will pull them all out and then separate the wheat from the tares.” So I feel like, I had a good run, a great run, an exhilarating run, living by faith, experiencing God’s provision in the nick of time. But it’s harvest time now. The Lord has shown me areas that I really need to improve, namely, HUMILITY. And now days, I cannot be humble enough, just asking God to save me and help me correct those mistakes. I feel that, this is a blessing, because, perhaps in the past, I had to be strong in order to survive and overcome my odds, but now, taking another look, I have good skills, I have been healed on the inside, I have been led to a good church. In many ways things are starting to settle down, firm up, and take shape. I no longer need to be who I was. It is counterproductive at this point. I think that, it is now time to drive an Audi. Before, I feel that I have to try really hard to prove myself so that people won’t despise me, that, even though I was at a disadvantage, as long as I try my best I can combat that sense of shame that the society placed on me. But like I said, I now feel that, everything is fake. The only thing that matters is to work hard, take care of myself and love ones, and be around people who love and care about me. I think that, if there is anymore zeal and creativity left in me, let me apply it at church, towards building the community and helping the poor and the needy. I’d like to just have a good stable career and then focus on that, as well as family building, and then maybe meet a nice girl at church and start my own family—this is more real to me now than chasing rainbows and unicorns, which had its time and place, but is no longer God’s calling for my life, as far as I can tell. So again, suddenly I felt like there is so much to learn, so much to reprioritize. In my heart, it’s like, yeah, beggars can’t be choosers, not because I am literally a beggar, but because I am striving now to be the humblest person I can possibly be, and a lover, and a peacemaker, and having that mentality helps me move forward and make progress in a different way. You can soar over a mountain or you can dig a tunnel under it. Its tunnel digging time. God kept on impressing upon me: 1. Exercise wisdom when it comes to judging others. 2. Be obedient to God in all things. 3. Forgive, let go, move on. 4. Be like Daniel (going from being like Mordecai, from being the man with the biggest balls to the man with no balls). This turns out to be so liberating and peaceful, such a blessing, that sense of peace and mellowness, I love it. Carrying that huge sense of umph have been so hard (if you are that type of man you must know what I mean), but that season is over. Right now, I just can’t be humble enough, just can’t be agreeable enough. I want to change, completely change.

[phobio2000]

It's All Bullshit

“When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there’s no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you’ll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You’ll no longer be so full of questions. This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever I sin keeping with the things I’ve revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he’ll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river of overflowing its banks!” John 16:21-24

The most beautiful thing about following Jesus is waiting, like how Mary waits at Jesus’ feet, like how in Psalms 123:2 it says, as the eyes of the servant looks to the master, so do we look to the Lord until he has mercy on us. Jesus encourages us to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you, and, in Psalms, those who wait on the Lord will never be ashamed, renew their strength, etc etc etc. I think this passage here, John 16:21-24 talks about what this waiting is like. It’s like bearing children. I think it’s a multi-part decision that starts with whether or not to choose faith, wait on God, and look up. And then comes part 2, what do you do during the period of waiting? Here Jesus mentioned a lot of perplexing thoughts and a lot of pain. I think we are meant to wrestle and negotiate with that, as part of striving for personal growth. Whether it’s prayer, worship, Bible reading, talking to people, quiet time to contemplate, or go outside and get some fresh air, it’s like God puts an elephant in front of us and asks us to eat it, not ignore it, and through the process we learn about ourselves, God, our relationships, our past and how it shaped our present, and we have breakthroughs and become stronger and more mature. I think this is what God is looking for. And then, once the baby is out, it’ll be like him calming the storm. So suddenly something changed and the pain is gone and you got this new found joy as you hold this baby in your hands, thinking, God, we did it again! /*high five*/

But let me say something that I learned this seasons. Ecclesiastes contains a short story, saying that there was this wise young man, who used his wit to save the city he lived in from enemy attacks, and even though he was popular for a while, people forgot about him just as quickly.

I have this friend, known him for years, helped him out by sharing my experiences with him about work and girls, have lunches with him, hear him whine about stuff, takes road trips with him that he hijacked and turned into therapy sessions from morning to evening. When he couldn’t get his girlfriend to get more committed with him, he got frustrated, and instead of examining himself, he blamed me for not doing enough to help, which, without me he wouldn’t even have a girlfriend to begin with! And once I asked him if his company is hiring, he got mad and just yelled at me, saying things like what have I ever done for him? I responded patiently, even then, but one day, he just became impossible to deal with because of his girlfriend issues, and I thought enough is enough….

I had this short term assignment with a company, got pressed really hard for very little money when I was not even hired to do that kind of work; I was told that it’s just going to be regular temp office job. I put them way ahead of schedule and they raved about me, but recently I asked a friend to ask around, nobody wants to hire me, totally forgot what I’ve done for them in the past.

Stories like that go on and on, I have many more, even worse ones…., but my point is not to rant, but to just say that, in the end, it’s all fake. What’s truly important is just love, family, church community (if it’s a good one), and just be surrounded with people who care about you and people you love. And beyond that, it’s just about doing God’s will, fulfill his callings, and try to thrive in life doing what you love, and that’s it.

“Be not righteous over much, neither make yourself over wise: why should you destroy yourself?” Ecclesiastes 7:16. It’s a shocking statement coming from the all wise Solomon. I never understood it until now….

Jin Yong wrote about a guy, a Chinese professional Go player in Japan, who would intentional lose to certain people because it as a social stigma for younger guys to beat older guys and because he’s a Chinese. He gave details on how he even calculated how many points to lose by. I think it complements his novel really well, the one about an invincible swordsman. Though he saved the day many times over, his invincibility got him into a lot of trouble. When the master taught him the techniques, he foreshadows about how one day he might regret being invincible (as the master himself got his life ruined by plots and schemes because of his outstanding swordsmanship, kind of like how a hot girl could get her life ruined by the plots and schemes of bad guys).

I know a lot about love, relationships, and women. I was not trying to benefit myself, but just trying to help, as everyone struggles with these things, but over the years, what I have, know, and am ended up giving me so many problems, and I could not close any deals because it’s just impossible to make a woman feel secure, amongst other things…. It’s one of those things that you sort of can’t know everything going in, and then you are stuck in it and with it and try to work things out, sinner on sinner, and then in the end you hopefully get something beautiful and good going, and create beautiful memories along the way, amongst many bad ones that drove you crazy. Proverbs says “Where no oxens are the trough is clean, but much increase comes from the strength of the ox.” There needs to be real love and a sense of calling into marriages, that will really help with sticking with it. Wisdom helps, but just enough with the selection process, not too much to know the whole process (trust me, you absolutely DON’T want that).

Guys tend to get frustrated with women, and often times rightfully so, and tend to like to make a standoff based on principles, but the Bible says that love is patient and kind. If you are right and she is wrong, then that’s why you need patience.

I remember that TV show, Home Improvement, you got a married man who is always struggling with his marriage and family living next door to a single, older man, who happened to be very wise and always gives him advice. So the question is, if the guy is so wise, why isn’t he happily married with his own family? It takes more than wisdom, knowledge, life experiences type things to have a family, I think. The bottom line is, you have to want it more than whatever typical things we men have that tend to get in the way, like standing on principles, screaming bull crap, and etc. And that’s just something that I have not been able to overcome. Don’t love someone enough to not scream bull crap. I mean, I have great tolerance, built up over the years via wrestling with pain in the ass bitches, but I learned that, no matter how much tolerance, women are looking for surrender, and they’d be super amazed at my level of patience and tolerance, yet they will push me over the edge anyway because they need that sense of surrendering, which to me is hard because, when I think about it, do I really want to get laid that badly? I thought women want men to love them for their hearts and not their bodies, but that’s not true…. They want you to love them in every possible way, ways they know now, ways they’ll learn about in the future, they are insatiable! So I’m like, if you are going to such a pain, I can meet another hottie probably in a few days, so what’s your deal? And that just scares them and makes them behave even worse, so I’m pretty much ducking doomed, as hard as I’ve tried. But then, let me ask a question, why can’t your love and personality be such that compels my heart so much that I deem you irreplaceable? Why does it have to be all my fault?

But perhaps some day I’ll meet someone that I will feel wholeheartedly compelled that she’s the pearl of great price, worthy of me surrendering all that I am for, such that, I’d feel like I’m the shittiest person on earth if I screw this one up. I don’t know, maybe one day the Holy Spirit will tell me, “Don’t yo dare fuck this up!”

But in all practicality, though, I think the biggest irony about love is that, in the end, it’s always going to be the practical and the tangible things that make you want to stay and grind it out. It’s total bullshit, right? How it’s supposedly be all about love and the ideals, when those things do indeed enrich a marriage, yet what binds the two together are always going to be, “Do I want sex, do I want a companion, do I want a family, do I ant someone around to take care of me, do I want someone to take on life together and make it a smoother journey”, and things like that.

For the macho men out there, like myself, that’s our biggest blind spot, as opportunists are already thinking this a lot, while we do not, and then just scream WTF over and over storm out. Why? What good will that do us? Something to think about….

[phobio2000]

Job

It has been a devastating, challenging, edifying, and rewarding week.

A couple of weeks ago I got a response for a job that I applied for. The recruiter of the company interviewed me and loved my experiences very much, to the point that she immediately started negotiating with me, saying things like how this isn’t a contract position but a full time position, how they have good benefits at affordable prices, and that they are a stable and growing company, amongst other things. I have never had a recruiter paying me so much respect before. I love the job, it’s perfect for me, and I love the company because it’s a non-profit and I love the idea of building a career while serving the community at the same time.

There was a bit of a mix up about setting up the interview with the hiring manager. I felt that she wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as the recruiter, but I was feeling optimistic, based on the conversation I had with the recruiter.

So I finally got the interview set up and met with her, thinking that I am a great candidate for the role and this should be it. However, to make the long story short, the manager felt insecure and decided not to hire me. During the whole interview I tried to be as positive as I could, expressing my strong interest, saying things like even though the drive took 35 minutes it was very smooth, no traffic, how I love working for non-profit and serve the community, how I am a team player and work well with people, how I have experiences in everything she needs. And I also tried to be as humble as I could, deferring to her as much as I can, holding on the the verse “Esteem others better than yourself” in my heart. However, in spite of my best effort, I just felt that, when she asks me a question and I talk about my experiences, it’s really hard to not see that I am very experienced and capable….

I remember Pastor Brian said many times, how he has no problem letting people work, that when they do well, the organization does well, and it makes him look good. I think that it’s a counter-cultural statement.

I don’t think I can blame her, because, the business world is pretty cut throat, merciless, and filthy. She just met me for the first time, so how could she possibly trust me enough? I remember at a former job, the facility manager was an old guy who had the same job for decades, very honest guy who just comes in and do thing like making copies and taking care of mails and stuff. He hired an assistant who is younger than him, and she just networked with people and then when the company’s downsizing, he lost his job while she got to keep hers. So, even for a really low level job like a facility manager, things can be really cutthroat. So, I don’t blame her at all, actually…. In fact, I think she did the right thing for herself. Because, to be able to have the kind of perspective that Pastor Brian has, you have to be really capable and have a great vision of wanting to grow, such that, capable people with integrity and virtues are always welcome. But if you are not powerful like him, and you need to survive, then being keen about hedging, blocking, and protecting yourself is really the best you can do for your career.

I think that, ultimately, we should be like John the Baptist, who lived for a purpose that was bigger than him. Even before Jesus started his ministry, John said that there will come another man who is far greater than he, that he is not even worthy of lacing up that person’s shoes. And when Jesus started his ministry and many of John’s disciples left him to follow Jesus, John just said “He shall increase, and I shall decrease.” To John, they are serving the same cause, and if the cause is succeeding and going the right direction, it does not matter who overtakes who or who gets to increase and who gets to decrease.

Well, I certainly cannot expect this type of mentality and perspective in the business world lol :D. All I can say is that, I am here to serve my manager, to help make the manager successful. I have never hurt a soul, never plot anything, never took advantage of anyone, and that, it has always been me who got the negatives because I choose to be so nice in order to properly represent God. I think that, realistically, she really missed out, as I would have done a really great job for her, make her life much easier, and helped her grow her career.

Later on, Apostle Paul wrote about how after he got imprisoned, there were crooked opportunists who tried to fill the void that he left, and they did not necessarily have the right heart for preaching the gospel and building churches. Yet Paul said that, regardless, the gospel continues to be spread and is thriving, so I rejoice over that.

So I spent a whole week moaning over thoughts of just what the heck is wrong with me? And I think that, right now, I feel comfortable to say that, mostly nothing, that this just did not turn out to be the right opportunity that I thought it was. The position and the company were all perfect, but the manager was not. She was looking for something else, and I believe that the chance of success was low to begin with. And then, the more I think about it, even if I get the job, what will it be like? Let’s say that I presented myself so low at the interview, to the point of embracing “beggars can’t be choosers,” what will working for her be like? I would not be happy there, constantly being conscious about whether if I am working too fast, making too many contributions, working too hard, having too many good ideas, doing too good of a job. It would have been a really miserable situation for me.

The vision that God has in mind for me is to be free and roam, work hard, apply myself, live like I mean it so I can feel alive everyday. Let God manage my career, but just focus on working hard to please him everyday, be faithful in every detail of what God has entrusted me with, do more than what I was asked to do, go the second mile, see work as an opportunity to bring pieces of God to the workplace by being honest, dependable, responsible, helpful, flexible, and so on.

Over the years I carried this mentality and I have learned and grew a lot, professionally, personally, and spiritually, and I thought that I am going to keep going down this path, be confident about what I have attained in Christ, keep being humble and learn. Don’t ever stop learning and growing, keep building on what I’ve been building, add, but not replace.

However, I felt that this week has been the most challenging week of my life, in respect to that mentality, namely, because I have had so many disappointments already. I felt that there must be something seriously wrong with me, blindspots that I cannot see, things that I am missing.

And surely there were. Through some circumstances the Lord pretty much miraculously brought along an old friend that I sort of have not been in touch for a few years, and then suddenly during this time of difficulties he started texting me, out of nowhere. He gave me some really good suggestions about my resume, as well as showing me some things that I am doing wrong. It was a very humbling experience, as he was very blunt, but life experience tells me that this is probably the very best thing that another human being can do for me, so while I kept on reading his text and feeling so embarrassed about my mistakes and edified at the same time, I held in the feeling and just replied repeatedly, “OK” and “thank you.” I think it’s a really common yet self destructive mistake to not being able to respond to constructive criticisms well. Now, there are a lot of fake constructive criticisms that are meant to destroy and control and manipulate, rather than edify, and in those cases, the other person usually don’t have anything good to say, or don’t know what they’re talking about. But life experience tells me that, these are the most precious words I’ve ever received, pretty much, such that, who else in the world would do that for me, even though it hurts and it’s humbling to hear? I mean, growing up I’ve had some evil church person who pretended to play that angle and only fed me a bunch of crap for the purpose of brainwashing me. It was like how in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, that villain was originally sleeping with a kung fu master, hoping she would learn some real kung fu, but only end up getting fake shit!!!!! I didn’t sleep with her, but I did ended up getting brainwashed by her and got a bunch of crap in return that didn’t help with shit, but actually hurt my life’s progress tremendously! So like, I have nothing but love and respect for that guy, considering how, even some friends or even relatives that I’ve known, love, and invested in for decades just ended up changing and dismissing me, like someone who has no leverage, totally forgotten how much I loved and invested in them in the past and have been consistently a faithful, loyal, caring, loving friend for decades…. This is just life, I guess…. A good person is a good person, a bad person is a bad person. You can’t change a good person into a bad person just by pursuing love further, foolishly thinking that if you invest more, give more, do more, give it more time, that the person will come around. They will not, at least, not as a result of your foolish thinking and vain pursuit. Perhaps some day they will come to their senses and reach out to you. Or, perhaps some day the Lord will ask you to reach out to them, then there may be a chance, and that’s when you work on it. Don’t be a fool like me….

Humility, humility, humility. While he encouraged me to let go and move on, the biggest thing he taught me was humility. I felt that I am already quite humble, yet, I realized that regardless of all of the humbling experiences I’ve received over the years, there is still more room to grow—and I just swallowed it up humbly, just determined to be as humble as I possibly can. Because, while I can just rest on my assessment of this job experience, shifting the blame on the manager and the situation, it is not going to change the fact that I did not get the job. I think that, with life, far beyond mere rights and wrongs, it is about how you can thrive and overcome situations that are wrong and unfavorable, and this is where I can really improve, so that, perhaps one day I will become so wise that even a situation like this that has a low chance of winning, I will possess what it takes to at least put up a better fight. Or…, I am just thinking too much and trying too hard…, that perhaps it’s far better and proper and wise to just let it be and just concentrate on what I can learn form this experience and then believe that the best is yet to come, that God will open the door to a far better opportunity that’s far better suited for my background and God’s vision and plan for my life.

Beggars can’t be choosers. I know what he meant. It’s an essential life skill for those who are in the sales and service industries, to swallow your pride to the point that personal rights and dignity gets severed, that it’s OK to be that lowly, if it means closing the deal and have money in your bank, at which point you can be a freed badass and spend that money how you like it. This is especially challenging for me, not because I am too proud to do it, but because I live for more than myself. I live for Jesus, and I am responsible to exemplify Biblical values in such a way that, if I do this, am I going to tell other Christians who have a heart to live by faith to take the same position? Yes, it’s a powerful move that will get you great results, but that song we sing at church, “I am chosen, not forsake, I am who you say I am. You are for me, not against me, I am who you say I am. I am a child of God.” So there’s a huge clash and an internal turmoil all week, “Am I a beggar or am I a child of God?” I have to choose. I cannot reconcile the two by interpreting it as a new level of humility. This is the point that’s going to break me, stray me away for all I’ve been building in Christ all these years and move over to a different platform and foundation. Can I really do this? I don’t get it. The pressure I am facing forces me to think about that. I can’t work this out, and all I could say is, “Jesus, I am blind, I can’t see. Please show me the way. I am willing to do anything and everything and be everything you want me to be, no matter what it is, but you have to show me so that I can do it by your grace.”

During today’s church service, Collin said something interesting. When David was trying to get the permission to fight Goliath, he went to King Saul. Saul thought that he couldn’t do it with what he has, so he gave him a full set of armor. David tried it on, but felt it was too heavy and he could not move freely. So he removed them, and went out to face Goliath with his normal clothing and a sling shot, the same things he wore when he was a shepherd, fighting off bears and lions. So I am thinking, that even though I am stuck in a bad situation and am feeling lost and clueless about what’s wrong and am eager to improve myself, I must build on what I have been doing all along, rather than dismissing it, and this notion is just not something that I can work with, not that it isn’t a legit and powerful advice that was so wisely said that can really make a huge difference for me. I am a child of God….

Judgmentalism. I wrote about that. One day I woke up and I felt the Lord said “Don’t judge.” I went on reading my Bible and pray, as usual, and by breakfast those detail words came…. I felt that, besides it being a great advice, it is also indicative that God is still here. Because, this is something that has been baffling me for decades. I’ve been a Christian for a long time and have heard so many preachings, but never have I got a clear answer on this passage of Scripture. Because, regardless, in all practicality, powerful, capable people who are eager to get things done are always highly opinionated and judgmental, and those who aren’t tend to be, at best, hard workers within their own scope of responsibilities and are mostly interested in being comfortable. But these thoughts, I think they show a new direction, that suddenly, you are even more powerful when you are not judgmental because you free up resources and can connect better with other people to work together and make progress. While there are still a lot of details that need to work out, this is a new direction that I have never seen before, and I just don’t think that it’s something that I could have come up with on my own, as there have been so many others who are much smarter and studious than I am. I guess my point is only that, God is still here….

So I guess that’s all I have to say about it. Keep learning, keep trying, keep growing, keep believing. Jesus is alive, he is for me and not against me, the best is yet to come. And at this time, I need to move on and believe in God for a better opportunity that is perfect for me, that he will open doors and make things happen. It’s his job to deliver me, it’s my job to trust him, depend on him, work hard, and have the right attitudes.

[phobio2000]

Love

When I was a boy in Taiwan I once saw a random movie by accident. It’s about a young man who was recently discharged from the mandatory military service, and now stays at home all day, not sure what to do with his life. The movie began with him suddenly jumping out of bad, screaming something like, “Yes, drill sergeant!” And the father walked into the room and calmly said to him with a sigh, “Son, you’ve already been discharged….”. The father, through some connections, got him a job as a high school teacher, and the story is about the political aspect of the system. SYSTEMS. Perhaps, in some ways, it symbolizes any system, any man made environment, whether it be school, company, government, the business world, the medical world, anything….

A lot of funky things went wrong with his tenure, just because he was a wonky dude who’s not sure what he’s doing or where he’s going, but just trying to move along in life. He started dating a female teacher, who turned out to be a spy for the principal. They would go to a movie and he would accidentally choose one that’s sexually explicit, and in the theater he saw a couple of students in there. There was a student who’s doing poorly in school. The father came and talked to him, asking him for a favor, and dropped off a gift. The father is poor, and the gift merely contained some cured fish and homemade hot sauce type things. There was this student who’s a weakling. It turns out that, getting on the bus to school in the morning proved to be very challenging, too many students, not enough buses, so everyone would charge into the bus like they’re playing rugby, and he could never get on one in time because he’s weak, so he’s always late, and the drill sergeant of the school would always punish him (the school system was very military-like, as the government was eager to train up a strong army). The story went on when the whole class decided to cheat on the final together in order to help classmates who are really struggling. The plan was ingenious, yet they got caught, because the weakling decided to become a spy in order to avoid punishments for being late, and the female teacher, while carrying on a relationship with the guy, secretly told the principal everything. Love failed, goodness failed, humanity failed, that’s the whole point….

The story ended with the principal visiting the guy’s father, letting him know all the bad stuff that happened that was associated with his son, and the father begged the principal for just one last chance. He returned to teaching, with his innocence lost, no longer wanting to participate on a personal level, whether it be with students or teachers or the organization, but just want to do a good job and survive. The final scene was him standing before the class with a poker face, and the female teacher walked past his class in the hallway, they looked at each other, both speechless, but probably on the inside knew what’s up.

If this is what I’ve been taught when I was just a little boy, and if life experience has validated it over and over again, why have I been so stubborn about wanting to defy this truth about life, the world, and humanity? Why do I insist so much that there has to be more? I don’t know. I really really don’t know.... It’s just something within me that just have to do it, that just have to know, that just have to try against all odds. I don’t know, or maybe I do….

So, other than the Jackie Chan and Chow Yun Fat movies that my dad took me to watch when I was a kid, that was the most memorable movie from back in Taiwan.

When I got to the US, my step brother left some of his stuff at our apartment. There were some movies. I watched one. The story took place in Hong Kong. This single dad was trying to raise two kids by singing dirty songs at the street market every night. The older kid finished school and started working. He got to know the company founder’s daughter and started dating her, and he started struggle with shame, of not wanting her to know about what his dad does for a living, and having become a white collar worker now, he started despise his past and his own kind. The father understood and didn’t say anything. The story goes on, and I forgot all the details. One day there was a dinner party or something where his whole family was invited to the owner’s house. The owner’s wife saw that his brother is still a cute young boy and started talking to him. After hearing him said that he could sing, she asked him to sing a song, and that’s when he started singing a dirty song and the cat was out of the bag. The daughter was so embarrassed, broke up with him immediately, and said to him that, “If I don’t break up with you, I not only would despise you, I would despise myself even more.” That’s when my father chimed in and said, “that girl sucks!”

He was fired from the job, too, obviously. And then, I forgot the plot, but the father ended up taking the heat for something wrong that he did and went to jail for him. And the story ended with him continuing his father’s line of work in order to raise his little brother.

When the movie ended I cried, screaming that this is so sad! And I think that’s why I made the decisions the way I did—humanity is a tragedy. We need Jesus…. If Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, I will try to find it and show it to people. If God is love, I will find it and show it to people, and that’s the end of that….

[phobio2000]

Thoughts on Getting Older

I wonder what it's like getting old. Well, I am almost 41 now, will be so in a few months.  I guess mentally and emotionally I am actually really changing.  As a young man, I observed this phenomenon of how people get soft as they get older, like how Apostle Paul was very stringent and critical towards Mark in his younger days, but later on when he got old he got a softer attitude about him.  

To me, as a young person before, it was so much about "How can you do this!? How can you do that?!"  But the thing is, life is hard, and its harshness drives us, or polishes us, taking away the sharp edges and rough surfaces, so much so that we start to look for things to cherish rather than things to be critical about. But of course, having become more mature and being able to handle ourselves better enables us to be more forgiving, tolerant, forbearing, and inclusive, as in, "It's all BS anyway, so might as well look for things to salvage."  I think this is a journey in itself, like how after a young man enters the workforce and gets bumped around by life, suddenly the obnoxious family start to look really adorable, in spite of flaws and weaknesses.  And I think also that, young people are supposed to be kind of edgy, because of the stage of life they're in, full of zeals, dreams, and desires, wanting to run hard and take on the world. I think we were built that way.  I think that since we are supposed to function together as a community, as members of Christ's body, the older ones can maintain peace and keep people glued together, while the younger ones run around and do their things. And frankly, I think I am there.