pick-em-pool

[pick-em-pool]

THE FINAL WEEK

And, Scene! 🎭 We have our FINAL results in, everyone, and we've got money to send 💰💰💰 Congratulations to our BIG THREE Lisa, Gabby, and Peyton who will be receiving some well deserved moolah 💸 and congratulations to JJ who managed to pick poorly, but NOT poorly enough to end up in last place! He'll be getting a lil' something as well 💵 Thank you EVERYONE for a great year of football picks, as once again the pick-em-pool was more fun than watching REAL football 🏈🏈🏈 and with that, the 2023 Pick-Em Pool season comes to an end 🏁🏁🏁 SEE YOU ALL NEXT TIME.

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 17

IT'S TIME FOR THE BIG FINALE PEOPLE 🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁YOU ARE ONE DAY AWAY FROM THE GLORY OF VICTORY 🥂OR THE AGONY OF DEFEAT 😫 As my old sensi would say: "Focus the mind, still the heart, and give me 3 dollars" (Sensi was a hobo that lived under a bridge) 💵💵💵

JULIETTE - 14 POINTS

A valiant penultimate effort isn't quite enough to bring JuJu out of last place 🪦she's going to go out like she came in: having her mom pick her teams for her 😞✊

VAL - 14 POINTS

BOOM and just like that Val is IN THE MONEY 💸 looks like in between stalking Peyton's location she was studying football 🏈🏈Hopefully downing an entire 3 foot charcuterie board in 7 minutes 23 seconds hasn't left her too stuffed for ONE FINAL pick 🥉🥉

RUSTY - 14 POINTS

It's the CLOSEST he's ever been to the MONAYYY 💰💰💰 as he's only TWO points from third place 🏅 Can he do it? I'm not saying Rusty is competitive, but he would punch Val to death wearing her own engagement ring just for a shot at the 3rd place cash prize ☠️

LISA - 13 POINTS

Barring some sort of gluten-related calamity Lisa has a tight grip on the top spot 👊🤛🤜 but WHO KNOWS? I once went whole afternoon without eating, miracles happen

GABBY - 12 POINTS

Barring some sort of carrot soup-related catastrophe Gabby has a deathly hold on 2nd place 🤜👊🤛 but then again, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! Someone might top her, she might do dry January, YOU decide which is more likely! 🥃🥃🥃

JANIE - 12 POINTS

Even in the back of the pack she can't hold onto the second-to-last spot 🫠 I think if JJ doesn't wise up and let her drop down a spot he's going to get a steak dinner next week and he's going to get it MEDIUM RARE 😱😱😱

PEYTON - 12 POINTS

He is within a mere ONE point of knocking Val out of the money 🤑🤑🤑 would he do that to his own FEE - AUN - SAYYYYY? 💍 Would Gabby sell me for an old grape if it meant she would get a better pickle ball partner? The answer to both of these questions is yes 😐

ABBY - 9 POINTS

OH NO! Abby has faceplanted at the finish line harder than she did at that bar 3 weeks ago 🤸‍♀️ dropping out of the money and into 6th place. Turns out falling asleep in your NYE outfit does not grant you special football picking powers 🤷

JJ - 8 POINTS

And just like that, JJ is in second-to-last place and has an outside shot at some money 💶💷💵 He's focused for this week! He's at the top of his game! He's somewhere in the middle! He's just a little, right and wrong! He's only one drink away from the devil! He' s only one call away from home! HE'S JUST A LONG HAIRED SON OF A SINNER...

ALRIGHT everyone. It's DO OR DIE time if you want that money, I'm ready for a fantastic finish, WHO WILL WIN 🤑🤑🤑

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 16

Alright alright alright, THREE weeks left for some money $$$ Let's see how we stack up 🪵🪵🪵

LISA - 12 POINTS

I'm OUT of superlatives for Lisa's performance, just send her to the Las Vegas Draft Kings Sports Betting Complex and let her make some money off of THOSE people instead of us!

PEYTON - 11 POINTS

Congrats Peyton on the new FEE-AUN-SAYYYY 💍 or as they said in 18th century England: the old Covet Garden Nun 📿 He's to a happy future with the nun!

RUSTY - 11 POINTS

By GAWD my boi Rusty has a chance, It's going to come down to the wire as he's 3 points away from placing 🎖️🎖️🎖️

GABBY - 10 POINTS

One stumble and Gabby may have Stanky Legged her way out of first place 😞😞😞

JANIE - 10 POINTS

The meatloaf of seasons for Janie, as Gabby & Val would say 🍰

JULIETTE - 10 POINTS

She probably won't see this because she is either swimming or sleeping at any given moment, basically a betta fish

ABBY - 10 POINTS

Still in 3rd, still only 78 pounds despite a steady diet of onion rings and canned wienies 🧅

VAL - 9 POINTS

Her sobs at the proposal were 15% quieter than mine when I see a bowl of French onion soup 🥲

JJ - 8 POINTS

OH NO a stumble at the finish line! High sticking! Icing! Goalie Out of Bounds! Hocky Puck In the Pants! Slashing! JJ is stuck in the penalty box for the last few weeks!

MONEY MONEY MONEYYYYYYYY 🤑🤑🤑 See you all next week and HAPPY NEW YEAR

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 15

Buckle up, everyone, because we have a BARN. BURNER. FINALE. Coming our way 🔥🛖 🔥 as we have at least 6 viable contestants battling it out for the top prizes 😱 Who has the clutch gene these last 3 weeks?!

GABBY - 12 POINTS

Oh lord sweet baby jesus christ in a manger cuz the inn was too full 👼 Gabby once again inches closer 📏 to the top spot 😱 it's going to come down to the wire and I cannot wait!!!

RUSTY - 12 POINTS

The three wise men - Rusty, Jack, and Daniels - followed the stars to a 12 point week 💯 and now they're only FIVE points away from third place and some money 💴💴 can they do it?!

JULIETTE - 12 POINTS

A fantastic week is not quite enough to pull JuJu out of the last-place-pit-of-doom-and-despair 😔 She has kept a calm demeanor throughout the whole ordeal of this season 😊 She'll definitely be hungry for success next season, taking Jesus' advice to "Grind Hard, Shine Hard."... Actually, I think that quote is from Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson 🪨

ABBY - 11 POINTS

She's been able to stay in the top THREE, orchestrating her picks from her little town in Bethlehem Stanford 🌆🌆🌆 MONEY ON HER MIND 💰 Though I am pretty sure at this point in the bible, king Herod ordered the killing of all the infants in Bethlehem Stanford, which, frankly, was not very cash money of him. So, Abby, go stuff some babies under your bed and keep on pickin!

VAL - 11 POINTS

Val is still juuuuuuust outside of the money right now in 4th place 😬😬😬 I think it's time for her to get a little more aggressive in these last few weeks, SCHEME a little 🦊 You know what they say, if you ain't cheatin' you ain't tryin'. If you think that a little too far, you might ask, "what would Jesus do" - and I'll say that grabbing a whip and beating up a bunch of merchants is NOT out of the question! DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO VAL

LISA - 10 POINTS

Well she's weathered the storm so far 🌩️🌩️🌩️ and has now been in first place for FIFTEEN WEEKS 🤯 Are we sure we believe she's not cheating??? Women have been KNOWN to lie before: oh yeah, "Virgin" Mary, I'm suuuuure god just put a bun in the oven for you 🤨 I'll bet Joseph was gonna drag the family to Jerry Springer of Nazareth and see what yee olde paternity tests had to say about THAT 😤

JJ - 10 POINTS

We all know that Jesus could walk on water 🌊 but GUESS WHAT? So can JJ... assuming that the water is frozen... and that he has ice skates... ANYWAY the point is that JJ COULD potentially nab a top three spot... assuming some other people mess up... and that I sneak him a few extra points 🥷🥷🥷 ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN

PEYTON - 1O POINTS

Just as Jesus fed 5,000 with two fish, Peyton fed six years of schooling with four years of eligibility ⚾⚾⚾ will he be able to turn three more weeks into a top 3 finish 🤔🤔🤔 the final picks are going to be for ALL the marbles 🍙 (<- there is no marble emoji)

JANIE - 9 POINTS

No one better call out Janie's poor performance this season to her face or I can tell you that she's going to be making meatloaf for Christmas. With EXTRA mushy carrots 😵😵😵

The pick-em pool never disappoints 😎 I don't know about y'all but I'm going to need another chair because I'm on the edge of my SEAT waiting to see who's going to claim victory! 💰🫰💰🫰💰🫰 See you next week!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 14

THE RACE IS TIGHTENING UP - WHO WANTS IT MORE???

JULIETTE - 8 POINTS

NICE WORK JUJU COMEBACK TIME!!! Our little (but actually tall) swimmer is getting offers all over the place, Duquesne, Ohio, the University of Eastern West Plattsville College for the Blind 😎 the list goes on!

ABBY - 8 POINTS

UH OH She in 3rd Place ALONE 🥉 Live your single life Girl slay 👧

GABBY - 8 POINTS

She didn't need a fortune teller to get 8 correct picks this week! 🙏 #PleaseForgiveMeBabeI'llTakeYouToNewOrleansForTarotReading

PEYTON - 7 POINTS

Awwww he intentionally did bad this week so he'd stay with Val in 4th ♥♥♥♥

VAL - 7 POINTS

Down to 4th place! Eh who needs football Val has friends now unlike the rest of us dorks! 🤼🤼🤼

JJ - 7 POINTS

Val, now Juliette - JJ's bravery as a car passenger is unsurpassed 👑 must be what gave him the courage to pick Chicago 🐻

JANIE - 7 POINTS

*Hello darkness my old friend*

LISA - 7 POINTS

She is now BARELY holding onto 1st place! can others complete the chasedown? Shaping up to be the greatest sports finale of all time, screw the miracle on ice 🏒🏒🏒

RUSTY - 7 POINTS

Busty Rusty is still in the mix, probably could have scored more points but he was too busy balling out on his Christmas decorations

LETS GO CREW THE RACE IS WIDE OPEN AND I WANT TO SEE WHO GETS THE MONEY 💲💲💲

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 13

LADIES. GENTLEMEN. ROCKY. ENZO. TAYLOR. TRAVIS. It's officially the HOME STRETCH 🏁🏁🏁 As we have a mere 5 weeks left until a champion is crowned 👑 Who will take home the big bucks 💲 and who will have the ignominy of LAST PLACE this year?!?!

RUSTY - 10 POINTS

The top performer of the week moves himself into 6th place 📈 Does Rusty have what it takes to claw himself into the top 3 this year? I HOPE so 🙏 because I heard he's going to donate any winnings to the Sorry-Maguire-But-Logan-Is-My-Favorite-Son-And-Also-Better-Looking-Than-You fund. It's a charity group for handsome youths, please consider donating to such a worthy cause everyone 😎

PEYTON - 9 POINTS

A great week with 9 points is not QUITE enough for Peyton to escape the current 3-way tie for 3rd place 3️⃣ He'll have to be laser focused in these last few weeks to grab some of the money 💰 Hopefully he can spend it on installing more closet space in the apartment so he won't have to live out of his suitcase like a wandering hobo 😭

ABBY - 9 POINTS

Despite having never watched a game of professional football in her entire life, Abby is firmly in the mix for some moolah this year 💳 🤷‍♂️ It seems like her backflip of doom didn't scramble her brain TOO badly. Unfortunately the sheer embarrassment of it also meant she had to move out of Florida, block all her friends, and assume a new name of Billy-Bob Jones in Mississippi. Prayers up for Billy-Bob 😢😢😢

VAL - 9 POINTS

It's an absolute BRAWL in 3rd place right now, with Val fighting it out for a top place and some top dollars 💰💲💸 She had a chance to breakout but her faith in the Steelers once again let her down 😫 Before anyone picks the Steelers again, just know that this is a real tweet from their new quarterback:

Obviously, the Steelers are finishing 5-0 🏆

JULIETTE - 9 POINTS

The solid 9 points isn't enough to dig JuJu out of last place just yet 😪 This poor performance is ruining her Reputation 😑 After a Fearless start, she's on Red alert 🚨🚨 can she turn it around and make a comeback worthy of Folklore? or with she be remembered as a loser Evermore!!!

JANIE - 9 POINTS

The two-time champion is having a one-time TERRIBLE season for sure! 😭😭😭 I'm rather worried about what we're all walking into in Arizona, I don't think the Scottsdale regional paddleball tournament WINNER is used to being seventh place 👿👿👿

JJ - 8 POINTS

Truly the most difficult spot to be, JJ is in 4th place and juuust barely out of the money for now 🏃‍♂️ Can he lock-in and finish with some cash? 🤑 I can see the determination on his face, and it's NOT A LOOK, IT'S AN EMOTION 😤😤😤 No one knows what it means but it's provocative - IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOING 💯💯💯

LISA - 8 POINTS

She's been #1 for 13 Weeks, can she hold on for 5 more?!?! 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️🧗‍♂️ Lisa had had the most dominate performance of ANYONE in ANY of the season's we have done the pick-em pool 🥇🥇🥇 and yet despite that she's on in the lead by SIX points 📏 will she be able to hold and make HISTORY 📜 and MONEY 💲 but mostly MONEY 💲💲

GABBY - 8 POINTS

Lisa left the door OPEN 🚪 this week with only 8 points but Gabby wasn't able to capitalize on it 👎 And so she stays in second place for now 🥈 She's also responsible for the delayed update today, as I had to take a nap after I woke up. LAST time Gabby and I wake up together!!!

6:30 AM

Gabby: I'm going to make a coffee, what do you want, tea? do you like tea? what's your favorite tea? Me personally I like coffee

Me: (silence)

Gabby: Is that jacket going to be warm enough? Maybe you need a new jacket? I'm going to get you a new jacket, what color do you want?

Me: (silence)

Gabby: I saw this video on Instagram - would you still love me if I turned into a worm? You better take care of me if I turn into a worm

Me: OK let's play the quiet game

ALRIGHT EVERYONE ITS TIME TO LOCK IN AND FINISH STRONG! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK 😎

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 12

Time is an illusion people, is that why I seem to have NONE of it anymore?!?! We're finally getting back on track with an abbreviated UPDATE on our money hungry 💰💰💰 football pickers, and next week we'll have a FULL proper update. Men, you can stop bowing. Ladies, you can put your tops back on. 🦸‍♂️🦸‍♂️🦸‍♂️

RUSTY - 13 POINTS

Do my eyes deceive me, or is that our very own RUSTY in the TOP SPOT 🥇🥇🥇 this week?!?! bow, bow to our new brisket-smoking overlord HAHAHAHAHA 😈😈😈

PEYTON - 12 POINTS

He's whipping up spinach-artichoke pizza 🍕🍕 he's scoring 12 points, Chef Péy Péy La Tour is crushing it 💪 now he just needs someone to get him his bread maker for Christmas 🍞🍞

GABBY - 12 POINTS

Another great week for our 2nd place gal with 12 points! She's spent the last few days convalescing, due to her being unusually susceptible to peer pressure

Abby & G: Gabby do you want to come to Karaoke and party?

Gabby: No it's 11:30 PM on a Tuesday

Abby & G: Ok no problem

Gabby: Fine you have convinced me

VAL - 11 POINTS

Was the Thanksgiving dog-a-palooza enough to push Val away from Rocky? 🐶🐶🐶 Of course not, if she had to she'd run a full marathon just to hear that little gerbil pitter-patter his jelly-bean-sized paws across the kitchen floor 🐕🐕🐕

LISA - 11 POINTS

She's held the lead for 12 straight weeks, how has she done it!?!? 🤯 will anyone be able to unseat the miniature Mechanicsville marauder? Or will Lisa lead the pack from start to FINISH 💸💸💸

JULIETTE - 10 POINTS

She has the Taylor Swift T-Shirt, Taylor Swift Jeans, Taylor Swift Boots, Taylor Swift Backpack, Taylor Swift Record Player, Taylor Swift Album, Taylor Swift Novelty Tuba, Taylor Swift Betta Fish, but she has ONLY 16 friendship bracelets? Fake fan.

JJ - 10 POINTS

JJ will be singing "Dialed Drunk" for his Christmas karaoke song - which is what I will have to be if I'm going to be brave enough to sing that weekend 🎤👩‍🎤👨‍🎤🎶

JANIE - 10 POINTS

I most certainly DO appreciate someone who compiles a Christmas list 📃 Oh ho ho how it makes the shopping easier! Everyone better send me their Christmas list or I'm getting you a bag of dried beef jerky 🦌

ABBY - 7 POINTS

Woof, as Abby takes a tumble in the standing and in the bars #️⃣ remember kids, don't pick the Jets, and don't do a backflip at a bar 🤦‍♂️

THANK YOU for bearing with me these last two weeks as I get all my ducks in a row! They say Long Hair = Don't Care but my new hairdo has really just been Long Hair = God Damn I Can't See Anything This Is So Much Hair 💇‍♂️💇‍♂️💇‍♂️💈💈💈 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 10

HELLO EVERYONE! WE are in DOUBLE DIGITS NOW ⏰⏰⏰ As we finish up week 10 🚨🚨🚨 It's officially the home stretch, who has got what it TAKES to claim the top Prize and the big bucks??? 💸💸💸

ABBY - 10 POINTS

Abby is INCHING 🐛 closer to Lisa in the standings here! Maybe you won't beat her in the pool, but I have another way for you all to win some money 💲💲💲 I have insider information that Abby met up with her friend G last weekend and personally drained Florida of all its alcoholic beverages. My advice: buy McDonald's stock Ⓜ After Abby has drank Florida from swampland into a desert I know for sure she spent an amount of money on McNuggets that would exceed the GDP of Zimbabwe 💰💰💰

GABBY - 10 POINTS

A great week for Gabby puts her within STRIKING 🎳 distance of Lisa. Does Abby have what it takes to - wait, Gabby - wait, no, Abby? All I'm saying is that Gabigail, wait no Abbrielle, wait, what? Can one of you two please change your names?! 👿 I keep getting confused here, why can't you two be different? I'm thinking Gabby and.... Bert 👍 Yep. Love it, keep it up Bert!

PEYTON - 9 POINTS

Peyton will be hanging out with your fearless commissioner this weekend, cheering on the gals for their half marathon 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️ The commish isn't running because he is a lazy sack of crap prefers Mimosa over Miles 🍾🍾🍾 Pey-Pey is not participating because the last time he ran in a crowd he was tackled by animal control employees assuming a giraffe had escaped the local zoo 🦒

JJ - 9 POINTS

our C A L I F O R N I A man clocked a solid week this go round 👍 and is firmly in the hunt for some moolah 💸💸💸 Interestingly enough, in his Anaheim Ducks interview no one asked him about his pick-em-pool performance NOT EVEN ONCE 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ I guess there's no real sports fans in Anaheim, what a shame 😔

JANIE - 9 POINTS

Janie AKA Juliette's agent inches up another place this week 🧗‍♀️ All this work getting Juliette signed has really turned her in to quite the athlete's representative 🕶🕶🕶 Last week she got me signed to a sweet deal to be sponsored by Dr. Sniffer's Medical Strength Deodorant... was she trying to tell me something? 👃👃👃

LISA - 9 POINTS

The 9 point score does not faze Lisa 🧘‍♀️🧘‍♂️🧘‍♀️ Mediating away in the wonderfully bucolic countryside of Arizona as she is. She's learning to take in the simple pleasures there 😊 A beautiful sunset. A warm cup of tea. The sound of an annoying patient collapsing into a deep sleep after you syringe their ungrateful ass with enough anesthesia to tranquilize a polar bear. A blooming flower. A rainbow. 🌈🌈🌈

RUSTY - 8 POINTS

Alllll season our boy Rusty has been just a point or two behind each week 📏📏📏 BUT don't give up hope yet 🙏 He can still win this thing. If he just gets a perfect score for the remaining seven weeks, his opponent forget to submit their picks, and the New York Jets actually decide to win a game, THEN he has an approximately 6.8% chance of victory ✊ I can smell the celebratory steaks already 🥩

VAL - 8 POINTS

Val got 8 points this week. We need to talk more often, I don't know what's going on in your life? Did you move? Join a cult? Baked a nice apple pie? Drawing a blank here 🤔🤔🤔 The last I heard about Val she was failing to win a break maker? 🎫🎫🎫

JULIETTE - 6 POINTS

Oh no honey boo boo ju ju 😞😞😞 the beginning of the season was so "Welcome to New York" but now it's giving "Bad Blood" 🎤🎤 (Writing that sentence made me feel like I'm 87 years old) Will swimming's most 🔥🔥🔥 recruit be able to turn it around and win or is that just in her "Wildest Dreams"??? ☁☁☁

Well Ladies and Gentlemen the clock is officially TICKING ⏰ Hundreds of dollars are at stake here, who has what it takes to claim the top prize??? 🤴👸 WE'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 9

LISA - 13 POINTS

Lisa's team analytical ability is that of an MIT professor. Her bench press is also probably the same as one 💪

PEYTON - 11 POINTS

The lengths this man with go to win both the pick-em pool and a household bread maker 😤😤😤

ABBY - 11 POINTS

Yeah yeah she did great with 11 points but if I see another inflatable wiener balloon on her snapchat story I think I will blush to death 😨

JJ - 11 POINTS

He's dropping dad jokes in the magnificent seven and dropping 11 points on yo head boi 🎤

RUSTY - 11 POINTS

My homie is moving up on 7th place now 👀👀👀 a real tortise-and-the-hare story we have on our hands 🐢🐢🐢

GABBY - 11 POINTS

I would write more about Gabby's performance but she got into one of her cleaning moods and all of the sudden I've been scrubbing crown molding for 3 hours SOS 🧽🧹🧼

VAL - 9 POINTS

Yee Haw Val got her country on with the ATV's off-roadin'. I noticed that just like with automobiles she was a passenger princess the whole time 👸 Pretty sure Val would be a passenger on a Razor Scooter if she could 🛴

JANIE - 9 POINTS

Maybe the laid back Cali lifestyle is just what Janie needs to help with the high blood pressure I'm certain she has developed being in 7th place 🏥👨‍⚕️👩‍⚕️

JULIETTE - 6 POINTS

I thought Duquesne was pronounced "Dew-Kwez-Knee". Turns out it's "Dook-Ane". Well that's fitting becasue JuJu took a big "Dook-Ane" with her picks this week 😬

AWESOME JOB EVERYONE 🥂🥂🥂 I KNOW Y'ALL WANT THAT MONEY! Maybe Pey Pey can use it to buy his bread maker??? SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 8

HELLO EVERYONE AND WELCOME BACK 👏👏👏 We are now HALFWAY through the FOURTH season of the NFL pick-em pool challenge! big money is on the line and some BIG moves have been made 🤑🤑🤑 let's see how everyone stacks up heading into the back half 🔙🔙🔙

VAL - 13 POINTS

It's a dark, dismal day. So overcast you can't tell the time, rain drizzling into streets lined by dilapidated row houses. Is this a scene from James Cameron's "The Terminator"? Nope, it's just a normal Tuesday in Pittsburgh 🤷‍♀️ BUT THIS TIME THERE IS A RAY OF SUNSHINE ☀☀☀ AND HER NAME IS VALERIE DAIGNEAULT ESQUIRE shining like a fiery, 13 point beacon 🚨 Can she bring this momentum in the second have of the year and take the crown this time?!?! 👑👑👑

ABBY - 12 POINTS

Another fantastic showing by Abby means she is currently IN THE MONEY 💲💲💲 at 3rd place. She's famous for doing flips, dressing in animal print and calling it a costume for Halloween, and SCORING POINTS. I don't know how she does it, considering her entire household consists of a girl who has never watched an NFL game in her entire life and a dog with about 4 brain cells. Incredible! 🧠

JANIE - 12 POINTS

THANKFULLY Janie has finally strung together a few good weeks 💹 keeping her in the hunt for the money 💰 I was worried if the losing streak continued she'd start racking up larger and larger wine bills at Postinos 🍷🍷🍷 Invite me next time!

PEYTON - 11 POINTS

SOLID week for our new rental management guru 🏘🏠 He knows houses and he knows football 🏈

You call them vaulted ceilings, he calls them ceilings

You call it a bar, he calls it a minibar

You call it a crawl space, he calls it a 'hell no I ain't gonna fit in there'

You call it football, he calls it FREE MONEY 💰💰💰

JJ - 11 POINTS

JJ "Bobby Knight" Daigneault is on a roll! Now that he's got his looper machine he really has left behind the Boyz in the Back and gone solo 🎤🎤🎤 Are you ready for his first hit? "The willingness to sing is only superseded by the willingness to prepare to sing" 🎶🎶 Inspo board material right there 😢

LISA - 10 POINTS

She's holding on to her lead by a THREAD here 📏 will she be able to sustain the lead into the back half of the season??? 🤔 We doubt she's concerned about that right now, she's preparing for the weekend, November is Lisa's superbowl 😤 Daylight savings time is the ultimate championship for a professional sleeper like her - will she get 14 hours? 15 hours?! TIME WILL TELL 🛏🛏🛏🛏

RUSTY - 10 POINTS

FINALLY 🏁 For the FIRST time in nearly 7 weeks, our perennial caboose 🚂 is OUT of last place 🚨🚨🚨 Is this the start of the greatest 16 points comeback the work has ever seen??? Mmmmmm probably not 😐 BUT WHO KNOWS???!!! Everyone loves a good underdog story and I can't wait to see where Rusty ends up!

GABBY - 10 POINTS

10 points for our girl Gabby, not amazing, but not bad 👍 I think she could have done a little better but she has a rather frenetic social calendar to keep up:

JULIETTE - 5 POINTS

In honor of Halloween Juliette decided to be Tarzan and Jane 🌳🌳🌳 UNFORTUNATELY for her she channeled the brain of Tarzan and the brawn of Jane 🏋️‍♀️ This FIVE point performance was less Tarzan and more George of the Jungle, OOF 🤮https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119190/

Alrighty everyone CONGRATS on a great bounce back week (except Juliette) , glad to see everyone back at it (except JuJu). I'm looking forward to another GREAT week coming up (except Thomas the JuJu Train) 🚂🚂 see you all next time!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 7

Look people, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed 😔 Disappointed with the booty cheeks effort I saw this week 🧈 Well HOPEFULLY we got this bad week out of our system and can return to our winning ways - there's MONEY on the line here 💸💸💸

GABBY - 9 POINTS

Gabby just played "Travelling Soldier" on the guitar so I'm not sure if I want to make football picks or eat a tub of ice cream while weeping 🤔

RUSTY - 9 POINTS

NINE points and Rusty is SO CLOSE 📏 to pulling himself out of the basement. Can Rusty AKA Bob the Builder AKA Harry Hot Tub AKA Rusty do it?! 🤯

PEYTON - 6 POINTS

"Mr. Creamy" has eaten more pints of ice cream from his Ninja than he has picked correct football teams 🍦🍦🍦

ABBY - 6 POINTS

A measly 6 points will keep "shabby Abby" in 4th place 😐 can this waitress SERVE us up some more points next week??? 🤵

JJ - 6 POINTS

6 points this week, but if we keep getting Flyers tickets I might pull a Dumbledore and add 50 points to Gryffindor JJ's point total 😏

JANIE - 6 POINTS

Only 6 points, huh? 😢 I understand, it's enough to make anyone turn "Martini Fridays" into "Martini Thursdays" 🍸 Another 6 point effort and we may see "Martini Wednesdays"

LISA - 6 POINTS

SIX POINTS? 😱 Well, if the football picking doesn't work out, I guess Lisa can make Davy Crockett hats, since her home is now a baby raccoon sanctuary. Are they filming the next Guardians of the Galaxy movie in Mechanicsville?

VAL - 5 POINTS

"Mrs. Creamy" really dropped the ball 🏉 this go round. It's good to know the public defenders don't choose lawyers based on football acumen 🧐

JULIETTE - 4 POINTS

JuJu really picked like PuPu this week 😣 How much does out boi Lewis know about football? 🏈

ALRIGHTY my favorite football families, I'm expecting at least a SMIDGE better next week 🤞 SHOW ME WHAT YOUUU GOT 💥💥 see you next time!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 6

JANIE - 11 POINTS

And just like Michael Myers 🔪 she seems to rise from the dead once again to challenge everyone for the crown 👑 with a stellar 11 point week 💯 I don't know about you, but I'm afraid 😯 afraid for Janie. If Juliette drives like her siblings, passenger Janie has a LOT more to worry about than football picks 🚗

GABBY - 11 POINTS

Our beloved defending champ is powering through week 6 as we head into spooky season👻👻👻 securing a place in the top 3… FOR NOW 🎃 She’s putting on a brave face for now, but I saw her after she went through that haunted forest with us last year, and I’m still deaf in my left ear from her shrieks 😨 

RUSTY - 10 POINTS

Rusty AKA Sammy Steak Seasoner AKA The Big Whiskey AKA Rusty has a solid 10-point week under his belt, but it isn’t quite enough to pull him out of the proverbial basement 😭 Will he be able to keep it going for the rest of the season and pull of that rare upset? I’d give him a medium chance! If he made it happen I’d probably tell him well done 🥩 OK now I am hungry

LISA - 10 POINTS

Her football season is going right about the opposite of her gardening season 🌱🌱🌱 Considering last time I was at her place We tossed out several plants that were in the late stages of mummification 🏜🏜🏜 I'd say Lisa should probably stick to football!

JJ - 10 POINTS

I’d like to comment about how JJ’s great performance so far has kept him in the hunt for the money 💲💲💲 but I’m still hungry for steaks. Be careful when you order from JJ though, I hear he likes his done somewhere between rubber tires and sawdust 🚗 Folks, he’s not eating, he’s training his jaw! How else do you get that jawline?!

JULIETTE - 10 POINTS

The chandler choir gal stays in a totally respectable 6th place for now, and keeps herself in the pack looking for that big money 💰💰💰 The president of the Lewis fan club hasn't had any really GREAT or really TERRIBLE weeks so far... Maybe it's time to take some risks! 🪂🪂🪂 I will be attending the next Lewis fan club meeting. Joining will be Juliette, Lewis' Mom, and the employees of the local hair salon 💈💈

VAL - 10 POINTS

The 10 points will keep her circling around the top dawgs for another 7 days 🏆 She should be very proud of these 10 points, it’s about 8 more than miles she has ran in the last week 💀 Halloween is coming up but that half-marathon is the scariest thing for Val 😱 did somebody hurt their widdle toe 😢 aww does someone need a biiig hug? (I think I’m going to leave the tough love coaching to JJ, it’s safer for my health 😬) 

ABBY - 9 POINTS

A slight stumble this week pushes Abby into 4th place, but she’s not too far behind the leaders 🏃‍♀️ we’ll see if she can catch up next week. She definitely needs a win ☝ after a few I’ll advised late-night texts to an ex 😑 someone PLEASE steal Abby’s phone from her after 9 PM on the weekends, before she shoots out a text to her ex asking him if he likes panini presses 📱📲📳📴📵

PEYTON - 9 POINTS

Peyton AKA Mr Baseball AKA Thicc Rick AKA Lewistown Lumberjack AKA Peyton had ANOTHER sub-par week 😞 pushing him even further back in the rankings ↘📉 Hopefully City Life's newest employee of the month can find some "real estate" in the top 5 next week?!

Well that's it for this week folks ✌ and I must say it looks like the money is STILL up for grabs 🤩 who out there has the will to prepare to win??? We'll see next week!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 5

OOOOOOOHHHHH BABY the lead is narrowing and it's still anyone's money to win 🤯🤯🤯 Again we're on an abbreviated week because your fearless commissioner was in-office for three days and had to talk to no less than 5 people. Simply exhausting 🥱

ABBY - 11 POINTS

Blonds have more fun - and points 🏆

JJ - 11 POINTS

Snorkeling into sixth place! 🤿 If he wins we're all going to flipper out! 🐬

RUSTY - 11 POINTS

Well he's not out of last place yet but he's trending as heck 📈

GABBY - 10 POINTS

Gabby "The Aluminum Ankle" Daigneault is limping along in the top three! 🦶 Here's hoping her new sneakers give her better luck with running and picking winners! 🏈🏈🏈

JULIETTE - 10 POINTS

Juju and Lewis sitting in a tree - 10 P-O-I-N-T-S 💋

PEYTON - 9 POINTS

Well Pey-Pey did not slay-slay this week but 9 points is still respectable! 🕺

LISA - 9 POINTS

She's on this new SIBO diet: no onions, no garlic, only 1 oz of liquor per day. I tried the diet and died within a week ☠ Not from hunger, I just jumped off a bridge 🌉

S - sadness

I - I'm hungry

B - blease let me have some alcohol

O - oh my god just let me eat that pickle

VAL - 8 POINTS

She has transitioned from swimmer to brownie-eater and from 2nd to 3rd place 🥉 Not sure if those are the trends she was hoping for 😳

JANIE - 8 POINTS

Well *BARK* it seems *BARK* that Janie *BARK* is having *BARK* some trouble *BARK* *BARK* *BARK* sorry guys I think Rocky heard an ice cube fall on the ground and has been barking for 3 hours

Hope everyone is having a FANTASTIC WEEK and has the best picks ever 🤑🤑🤑 see you all again next time!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 4

HELLO again my football fanatics, and welcome back to WEEK FOUR of the pick-em pool competition 🏈🏉 Where 11 contestants battle 🤺 for cash prizes 💲💲💲 It's been an exciting week so far with some bright spots and surprise flops 🥴 Let's get into it!

LISA - 15 POINTS

Ladies and gentlemen, she is 5-Feet-Negative-1-Inches of pure football expertise 🧠 and she has scored FIFTEEN points to rebound back to her original lead 🏆 can the rest of the field catch her before the end of the season? It will be tough - those short little leprechauns are shifty and can fit into small hiding spots 🍀 Peyton hasn't been under 5 feet since he was 2 1/2 months old 👶

VAL - 13 POINTS

Not to be outdone, Val consolidates her grip on second place with a stellar 13 point week ✊✊✊ She's trying to keep her opponents' window of opportunity smaller than the amount of closet space she gives Peyton ✊ I guess you need all that clothing when you're a human water park 💦💧💧 It is said that Val once even sweat through a backpack 🤷‍♂️

JULIETTE - 13 POINTS

Taylor Swift shows up to one football game and all of the sudden Juliette's calling winners like Josh Allen calls audibles ▶▶▶ (Juliette for reference just think of him as "Halie Steinfeld's boyfriend" 🎶) If I spent all this time doing research just to be beaten by a squishmallow that would certainly be a "Cruel Summer" 🎤

GABBY - 13 POINTS

Even though she crushed it this week and remains in 3rd place, our defending champion 🏆🏆🏆 is REALLY a baseball fan now that the Phillies are in the playoffs ⚾🧢 Before their game last night she said, and I quote, "I had to look up the roster because baseball players are hot" 🔥 - I certainly chose the wrong sport. Peyton - can I borrow some of your old baseball pants? 🤔

This is an actual photo of me wearing Peyton's pants:

PEYTON - 12 POINTS

Our new Pittsburgher is also our top-scoring man of the week once again 👨 keeping the honor alive for football men everywhere 🎖 Now that the ladies have been dominating the top 3, will Peyton be the first guy to challenge them?! 🥊 Help us Peyton-Wan-Kenobi, you're our only hope! 🌑🚀

JJ - 12 POINTS

A solid 12 points keeps our resident hockey star right in the thick of it 🥇🥈🥉 Although I have to admit I'm not really sure I want him to win it all this year 😲 After seeing him getting ready for the Pink concert, I think we ALL need to avoid any celebration dances from JJ 🕺🕺🕺

JANIE - 12 POINTS

A much-improved 12 point week is enough to keep Janie out of last place, though she's not far from it 😱 We'll have to keep a watch out to see how she performs this Sunday 👓 I have a feeling if she stays stuck in seventh place we'll all get to learn some new French swear words!

ABBY - 11 POINTS

A so-so week for Abby with 11 points 😐 but still enough to hang on to THIRD place for the time being 3️⃣ Abby has been on top of her football picks this season, as I have threatened her with a lecture on space from JP for every time she is late ⌚ we all may love football (and money) here, but NO ONE loves anything as much as JP loves space 🌌🌌🌌

RUSTY - 7 POINTS

My mother always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say then I should just be quiet 🤐 She also told me that bacon is terrible for you and I shouldn't eat it. What do these two sayings have in common? They are both true, and I don't do either of them. RUSTY YOU STINK 🤢🤢🤢

Another great week everyone 😁 and despite some early leaders NO ONE is out of the running for that cash PRIZE 💹💹💹 So keep on that grind and keep the money on your mind! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 3

Hello everyone! Since I'm such a busy bee these days I'm going to put out an abbreviated recap every other week. but DONT worry because I'm still keeping track of how well (or poorly) you guys (or girls) are performing (or not performing). LETS GET INTO IT 🤑🤑🤑

GABBY - 14 POINTS

This girl knows football. She refers to Taylor Swift as "Travis Kelce's girlfriend" 🎶🎶

ABBY - 13 POINTS

This girl does two things: order McDonalds and fall asleep before it arrives, and pick winners 🏆

PEYTON - 12 POINTS

He thinks about the Roman Empire once per week and about CRUSHING football picks 10 times per week

JJ - 11 POINTS

Looks like he put down the hockey stick and picked up a football this week 🥇🥇🥇 (Maybe put down that golf club as well 😬)

JANIE - 11 POINTS

I am 70% sure she is on her way to run over the Arizona Cardinals head coach with her car right this moment 🚗🚗

VAL - 11 POINTS

She argues cases like she plays football - with a lot of good points!!! ⚖⚖⚖

LISA - 10 POINTS

Still in the TOP spot even though she calls Travis Kelce "Taylor Swift's boyfriend"

RUSY - 9 POINTS

My boy is going SOLO after JJ leaves the boys in the back this week! Rusty Ziegler or Justin Timberlake? 🎤🎤🎤

JULIETTE - 8 POINTS

University of Ohio? More like University of O-hi-o-my-goodness-that-was-a-bad-week. Nice one Logan 👍

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 2

Well a belated WELCOME to you lads and lasses out there for season FOUR of the NFL pick-em pool challenge! 👏👏👏👏👏 It's good to be back in the states where they play REAL football 🏈 None of those silly Europeans flopping around the 'pitch' any time their opponent touches them! 🐟 This year we've got $385 on the line for the most DARING, the BRIGHTEST, the CUTEST (<-This only applies to Gabby) and the WINNINGEST players out there 🤑🤑🤑 So without any further ado, lets. get. ready. to. rumble. 🥊🥊🥊

LISA - 27 POINTS

OK she eatin'. OK... she eatin'.... OK... She ate the whole meal and the plate 🍽 Lisa comes out the gates on fire 🔥 with the first ever PERFECT WEEK. 16 options, 16 correct picks. The odds of that happening off of random guesses is 0.0001% 😰 Please Lisa, I'm begging you, get on a flight to Vegas right now ✈ And remember after you hit the jackpot that your most handsome, intelligent, dashing son does take tips for his commissioner work 🙏

VAL - 22 POINTS

Val has already hit the boosters in week 2 🚀 scoring back-to-back ELEVENs 🌟🤩 She's sprinting out to second place, the best she's EVER DONE. Val has never heard the phrase "It's the journey, not the destination". 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ Except for in her marathon training 😬 where's she's currently pacing somewhere between a corgi and a wiener dog 🤷‍♀️ Hey, she's in better running shape than me!

ABBY - 20 POINTS

Alright people what's with all the girls taking up space in the top 3? 😒 Can one of the boys (That's right, I'm revoking the title of MEN for now) PLEASE step it up? Abby has managed to pick 20 correct teams, outscoring all the guys, immediately after sending me this very well edited and thoughtful series of texts:

JULIETTE - 19 POINTS

Well, well, well, it seems everyone's favorite freestyler has caught the eye of some universities! I'm not biased or anything, but she may want to consider VILLANOVA:

V - Very good business school

I - I think it rocks!

L - Lots of fun to be had!

L - Lunch at any time!

A - A!

N - No bedtimes!

O - Oh my what a good school!

V - What starts with V?

A - Amazing!

PEYTON - 19 POINTS

Alright, finally one of the guys pops up on the score chart 💪 as Peyton grabs 5th place two weeks into the season. Our Tall, Dark Pale, and Handsome player is probably the only thing keeping Val from scoring as much a Lisa this week: Distracting opponents by wearing those tight baseball pants, good move! ⚾🧢

GABBY - 18 POINTS

The DEFENDING CHAMP IS OUT HERE DOING pretty mid actually 😐 as Gabby settles into 6th place with 18 points. Will she be able to regain her mojo once we're in Philly? I'm guessing her football picking skills must be packed away in one her 43 clothing boxes 📦

RUSTY & JJ - 17 POINTS

The Boyz in the Back are picking up right were they left off with a follow-up to last years debut album: "The Caboose is Loose". This time featuring their sophomore effort: "Dadz in Da Bottom". Will these two have what it takes to get out of the basement this year?! Only time will tell ⏰

JANIE - 16 POINTS

Say WHAT now? the 2-time champion is bringing up the rear??? 🚂🚂🚂 Look, I know it's only week two but color me surprised! I feel like the Asian father after his kid gets an A-Minus on their test: DISSAPOINTED 💢

Alrighty folks it's GREAT to be back into football season 🏈🏈🏈 I'm looking forward to another fun year with y'all 😁 but don't you forget for ONE second the real reason we're all here - THE MONEY 🤑🤑🤑 See y'all next time!

[pick-em-pool]

WEEK 17

EVERYONE, Don't PANIC 🚨🚨🚨 But we only have ONE MORE WEEK 🤯 to crown a CHAMPION 👑 of the 3rd annual Pick-Em-Pool tournament of stars ⭐⭐⭐ It's a new year, new you, and anyone can win some MONEYYYYY 🤑🤑🤑 We're giving out cash prizes for 1st place, 2nd place, 3rd place, and 10th place, so DON'T despair if you don't have a shot at the TITLE 💲💲💲 I know for me my New Year's resolution is to get a little bit of cash 😎 let's see how our contestants stack up heading into the final week.

VAL - 12 POINTS

LOTS of excellent picks this week from people, and none more so than Val, who called both the Pittsburgh and Jacksonville upsets 🔥🔥 Everyone is proud of our future Law & Order costar. A reliable source tells me that upon passing the BAR exam Val's New Year's resolution is to become a lobbyist in Pennsylvania focused on marriage reform law. She hopes one day to legally wed her one true love - Rocky 🐕 The reliable source is me after I saw her lick Rocky's leftover Crème Brulee bowl 🤢 I wouldn't even do that with a HUMAN, much less Rocky "The Thong Thief" Daigneault!

JULIETTE - 12 POINTS

The cactus choir singer proves to be a wildcard YET AGAIN 🃏🃏🃏 putting up a stellar 12 points heading into the final week 🏁 will she be able to navigate her way into that 10th place spot, and earn some closing cash? 🤔 I don't think she's going to grab first place, that would be too "mainstream" for her 🧔 After getting the CD player, our little hipster is looking into everything "you've probably never heard of". her search history is rather telling:

GABBY - 12 POINTS

Our current leader has herself a vice-grip on FIRST PLACE heading into the final week 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ Will she be the first person to dethrone the mighty Janie??? I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE. Gabby's New Year's resolution is to roll the dice and see if she can WIN some money! She didn't actually make it home with me, I think she is still rolling craps dice at the Venetian right now. She doesn't know how to play craps 😬 but she does know that drinks at the Venetian are free, and she's moving in 🏠🏡🏚🏘

RUSTY - 12 POINTS

Another rock-solid performance puts Rusty squarely into second place with a fair shot at the title 🏆 a HUGE change from last year's last place performance! How has he moved from worst to best in almost a year?! 😱 If I'm him, my New Year's resolution is to just try everything I'm bad at again, see if I can just suddenly become the BEST somehow.

Faceplanted wakeboarding last year? Triple backflip incoming

Bad vegetarian cook? Michelin Stars coming your way

Can't do a backflip? See you at the cirque du soleil

JANIE - 11 POINTS

Janie and Peyton are locked in a cage match for that final 3rd place spot 🥊🥊🥊 who is going to win the brawl and emerge with some MOOLAH? 💸💸💸 That's going to be much needed after hosting a 6'13" boyfriend and a human garbage disposal husband for 3 weeks. I think Janie's New Year's resolution should be to just toss Peyton and Logan a 60 lb bag of lentils when they arrive and call it a day before they eat all her food and start gnawing on her furniture 🍔🍕🍖🍗

PEYTON - 11 POINTS

Does Peyton have the heart to CRUSH Janie this week and take the third place spot for himself??? 😫 I'm not sure, but if I'm him I'm going to 'strategically' miss a couple more games than usual this week 🤐 or I might find myself run over by a vintage Mercedes that was "lost" on the disc golf range by an anonymous mother heading to pick up her daughter from swim practice 🏎🏎🏎

ABBY - 9 POINTS

With another 9 point finish, our beloved blondie holds the ignominious title of "LAST PLACE" going into the final week of the season 😭😭😭 If I'm Abby making my New Year's resolution, I'm expanding my boyfriend pool. Don't drop Brady! He's great for many things:

Tall

Dark

Handsome

Valentine's date

Fun as heck

But Abby needs a BUB - a Back-Up-Boyfriend 👨👨👨 Someone that's going to score more than 9 points a week and get her that DUB 🥇🥇🥇🥇 she can store him in the closet when he's not making any picks 💼💼💼

JJ - 9 POINTS

A tough week DROPs JJ out of the money and into 4th place for this week. EVERYTHING rides on his final round of picks 😨 can he scrape together enough points to win some cash?!?! 😳😳😳 For my man JJ, I have to recommend a New Year's Resolution: He needs a pair of glasses! 👓👓👓 I don't know why he won't go see the eye doctor with his terrible vision 🤷‍♀️ I even hear him around the house shouting I WANNA KNOW. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RAIN??? Glasses could fix that my man!!!

Alright people, thank you all for another wonderful football season 🏈🏈🏈 Nothing is certain so make you FINAL picks and get ready to win some MONEY 💰💰💰💰 LAST ONE FAST ONE