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i just want someone to be here with me

is that so wrong?

is that to hard?

is it to much?

i don’t know

so many people can do it alone,

i don’t know why I feel like I can’t

i mean I can,

i think

i just don’t want too?

i just want someone I can talk to and feel safe with,

maybe I need to do that for myself?

i just wish someone was here

you know.

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I guess that the problem though, I would except anyone over the one

Because I wouldnt know the one if they were looking me right in the eye

I just want company

And that’s not the same as wanting to be loved

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Susan Sontag, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963

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I want to go home and at this point I don’t even know what it means I just really want to go

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I was good, I did good for two days I did good, I got up I did my stretches, I worked out, I showered, I ate breakfast, I cleaned, I went for a walk, I breathed and felt okay, I felt pretty damn okay

But then I did acid, and I felt amazing, I laughed harder then I had laughed in more then a year, I felt so present, not lost in my thoughts

And then there was people, and alcohol, and just life

And then there was darkness for two days, headaches, stomach aches, pain, darkness

And now it’s just empty

I’m alone again

And I’m watching tv, which makes me so fucking angry now just the pointless of it all

Nd I’m drinking to try to feel something because idk what else I’m supposed to do

Stare at my phone until it’s late enough to sleep?

Drive to the beach to the park and back home in circles until it’s to dark?

It’s a cycle

If I hadn’t gone out that day the routine would have continued

But I had so much fun and there was people and talking and laughed and touch and fun

I want to have fun I want to feel alive

I just don’t like the back and forth

Because with consistently comes ease and a decent sense of stability and goodness

But the wild the escape is magic

I know it can’t happen 24/7

I just wish it didn’t end so suddenly

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Idk

Everything just feels so empty

The empty was

The long periods of time of nothing

I’ve cleaned, I’ve cooked, I’ve cleaned again, everything clean and organized and done

And then there’s nothing

What do you do with the free time

And then I think people

But what do you do with people?

Besides drink and dance and party

I want that

I can get lost in that

And then you think of relationships and how people talk and take care of each other

But how?

What is there to talk about what matters, how do you help?

I jus feel there there is so much emptiness

And you fill it with sex and kissing and cleaning and oraganizing

And that’s it

Idk

I really don’t know what there is

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I still look for you, and I don’t know why

I still think of you everyday, not as much as before, but you cross my mind more often then I’d like to admit

And I hate to admit it but maybe it’s just because I couldn’t have you

Maybe if I did have you the feeling would have faded, maybe I wouldn’t care as much as I do now

Maybe you’d be the one hurt not me

Maybe it’s good things went this way

I just wish I could get you out of my mind

If it was just because I couldn’t have you, then leave my fucking brain

I beg

At the same time I remember you once said “nothing last forever”

We could hav enjoyed each other for a short time, I think it would have been worth it

I feel like I missed my chance with you, and the thought of what we could have been, what we could have had, it takes over my thoughts

But this was for the best, I didn’t hurt you and I’m growing and leading and getting better I think

I just wish I could hold you, and kiss your face

I wish I could listen to you talk about literally anything at all, just hear your voice

I wish i could hear you sing and be weird and just fuck dude

There was so much left to learn and do with you

But you got someone else do to those things with

And that’s cool

I’m surviving, I just wish the thought of you could leave my mind, so I could do this will a less heavy heart

It’s harder this way, but life’s hard right

I just feel so stupid about it, I feel like I know you, and that’s why it’s so hard to let go

But we didn’t know each other for long, and it wasn’t like “serious” and we’re still friends I guess, just not like before, and that sucks

But I guess this part of my life I have to live on my own, and so far it’s been pretty positive I’ve made some changes and you know learned but at the same time god idk maybe I would have liked being stuck in the mess I was as long as you were with me

At the same time tho I wish I had my shit together when I met you maybe then it could have worked, maybe one day?

Nah I can’t think like that

What could have been is in the past, what is is what is, there’s no second chances right and even there was I know I’m not ready, maybe that’s what’s fucking me up I don’t really know, I just gotta let go

It just feels like there’s a piece of the puzzle missing, something that I’m not understanding, something that doesn’t make sense, something that keeps bringing me back to you, and I hate it so much, but I can’t let go

When I figure it out maybe then I can finally put these thoughts of you, this idea of what could have been, to rest

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Sometimes u just gotta make yourself a quesadilla and move the fuck on

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I don’t understand why I don’t care about anything else but you, maybe I just put so much into other people I can’t focus on anything else.

I don’t think anyone understand how much of myself I set free, how much I relaxed with you, how I wanted you to be the one,

I don’t think you saw it either.

It’s okay tho, I told you I wanted to be hurt, and you made it happen

So thank you for that but also, I think subconsciously I want You to prove me wrong,

I just wish I had been more stable, maybe you would have chosen me then, if I had just known myself a little bit better,

I think the fact that my thought revolve around you shows how little I care about myself and my well being

I just keep thinking about how I never actually hugged you, I mean I tried to hug you once, but you didn’t hug me back

I’ve never really hugged you, isn’t that sad?

I’ll probably never kiss you again, isn’t that wild?

Maybe you were right not to choose me

I just I miss hanging out with you, hearing you laugh, hearing you sing, kissing your forehead when you did something so cute that I literally couldn’t hand it

And you asked me once, why I kissed your head when ever you sang, I was to embrassed to say it was to much, to pure

I don’t know how explain it

You were so beautiful in every fucking way, like physically and mentally and all the fucking ways man

You were everything I wanted

Like wtf

And I’m sorry that I let myself feel that way

I’m sorry to you, even though you probably don’t care

And I’m sorry to me

One day I’ll understand

One day I’ll move on

But right now I’m content

With having this heavy feeling in my chest, watching old videos of you and smiling

I just I can picture it if you were here

Kissing you, touching your face, god holding you, but that’s all phyical right? It’s not real?

I just wish you could look at me the way you used to, but maybe that wasn’t real either was it

Maybe if I had known you wanted me for real without anyone else maybe I would have said all these things, but we can’t be sure, I just know right now you are so special and fuck dude I wish I could give you everything

God I wish you were here and I wish you wanted me, I was just to broken, or maybe just not broken enough?

Idk

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God i could have loved you with everything in me, good thing you chose someone else, now I can love myself with everything in me, I know it’s harder then loving someone else, god it’s a fucking battle, but I’m gonna do it because if I’m gonna love anyone with my whole heart, now I know, it has to me, no one else is worth the love that I can give, I just hope I’m ready for it.

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“When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough.”

—

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It’s bullshit

And annoying

And makes me feel so ducking pathetic

Because I’m here looking at quotes and photos and shit about love and relationships

And every time I think about you, you pop into my head

And then I think you’re seeing this shit too

But your not thinking about me

You’re sittting there smiling thinking about her

And it’s like fuck dude

Ew I’m disgusting I’m pathetic

Like wtf

It’s so dumb

And I know I’ve done this to other people, and I always feel so fucking bad about it and even thought I’ve seen people go through it I still can’t understand I still don’t understand how this happens

I should have been more careful

I’m so fucking dumb

Just ugh cringe so hard at myself

For thinking of you

For wanting you

When you don’t want me

When you don’t think of me

When as I’m writing this I know it’s pointless

Because you don’t care and even if you did

There is nothing I can do about it

Nothing you can do about it

You don’t want me

You chose her

You want to be with her

I just don’t understand

But I guess I don’t have to

I just need to let all this shit go

Because its so fucking pathetic

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God I think I’m finally getting over you

But like fuck it still hurts

Like fuck you man

Fuck you

You suck

But I guess it’s good

I always think people deserve better then me

Kyle will find someone is better for him

Hill will find someone who is better for him

And when they do ima be so happy for them

Because the person they find will be able to give them what I knew I couldn’t

Someone who will have more in common

Will be on the same level

Someone better then me

So why does it hurt me to see you with someone else

I don’t fucking know

I mean yeah I’m happy for you like shit

It’s good, your trying and your happy, at least I think you are

And your out doing stuff like you wanted too

And that’s so fucking good

I just I don’t know why I’m mad at you for it

Maybe it was because I thought for once I could be good enough for someone

But also I didn’t think that I never thought I was good enough for you

I always thought you deserved better

And maybe she is better for you then I would ever be

It just sucks

And maybe it’s because I’m trying so hard to love myself and know that I am important and I am enough

I just wasn’t enough for you

And that should be fine and it is

But also like fuck dude

Fuck you

I wanted you all of you

And fuck you for making me think you wanted me to until you found someone better and threw me to the side like I was nothing

You say you care about me but fuck that

You don’t care, stop pretending like you do

I thought I could still be your friend, being around you makes me happy

But you got a girl now

Fuck you

But also that’s so good cuz like love man

I don’t know my feeling are all fucked up

I think I’m starting to get into a good place, I’m definitely in a better place then I was before

And maybe it’s because you haven’t been around as much

Maybe we shouldn’t be friends

Maybe I can’t take it like I thought I could

I accept that so fuck you

I don’t want to be mad at you I don’t want to hate you

But I’m stuck on you and I have no fucking idea why

And it sucks

But I gotta let go, you’ve moved on

And if the anger helped me move on well then fuck you

You’re a good person, but fuck you, I’m allowed to put all the good thought about you away and hate you because it’s helping me move on

Just fuck you

I don’t care if it’s irrational

I wasn’t enough for you I know I wasn’t and if I was in the same place I was a few days ago I would be happy for you and would totally be down to sit and listen to you talk about her and id happily give you advice

But I’m in a better place now, an angrier place, but a better place none the less

The anger makes me strong and helps me keep my distance, helps me not break down about this dumb shit

So yeah fuck you

And honestly you probably don’t even care

So whatever I guess

Staying up late thinking about you watching videos of you stalking you on social media like a crazy person it’s pointless and dumb and crazy

You’re putting your effort into a new girl, maybe a permanent girl, so good for you for moving on and living your life

It’s time for me to close that fucking door and move the fuck on as well

It just sucks that it took me so fucking long to get her e to this realization and it’s scary to think I might take it all back if I get bad again

I don’t need you, I wanted you so bad, but I don’t need you, I only need me

And that’s okay that’s more then okay that’s amazing

I’m finally starting to realize that

Some people, even the most amazing people, aren’t meant to be in your life for long, I just wish you could have stayed in mine a little longer it would have been nice, and I wish I didn’t have to hate you, I don’t like it, but it’s necessary

It’s dumb I know but you don’t get it and that’s fine you don’t have to only I have to

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🌹 a flower for everyone not feeling their best today

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You think I kissed her because you weren’t there

I was blackout drunk so I don’t know why I kissed new

But if I really think about it and how I felt beforehand

I just think about how if there was a reason that I kiss her it wasn’t because you weren’t there

It was because you had just started talking to a new girl, and you had gone to see her

And yeah you claimed you were just looking for friends

But just knowing the way you are with girls, I think that just fucked me up a little

And the fact that she looks just like your ex and the fact that the night before you had drunk called her and said things you don’t even remember

And this drunk call took place while we were all hanging out too

Really making me feel important and special am I right

Maybe it was all in my head

Maybe you did just want a friend

But I was jealous and I felt shitty

Feeling like my precense wasn’t enough for you

And maybe drunk me was like fuck it, you know she’s out kissing other girls, I can do that too

Even though the only person I wanted to be kissing was you

It was dumb and I was drunk but I guess everything happens for a reason right