preciousmomentsfigurine

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

Why is that half-asleep sex always so good

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

I really don’t enjoy the feeling of needing someone, anyone. I’m an extremely self-sufficient and independent person at this point of my life, at least I have been. Maybe the feeling of needing someone and that person having a lot of impact on your feelings is normal but it’s uncomfortable for me.

I don’t even like being close to someone in the most basic sense, even friends, my parents - I keep to myself.

I alienate myself because being disconnected from people is safe. I have an overpowering compulsion to protect myself from vulnerability in any form anymore. It’s crazy how much PTSD has wrecked my life and psyche over the past several months especially, since I’ve become truly cognizant of it and the wounds have been torn open.

Even when I desperately want to, closeness and trust feel like an impossibility for me. And when I feel that pull, I become all too dependent, I always have. That’s where the hypervigilance comes from. It never ends well, intimacy and dependence. I can’t stop this from happening because it’s already happened, and the relationship in question is inherently insecure. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared I’m going to lose myself in the closeness

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

i don’t think i like who i am when i’m in love

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

no matter how many times i ask her to not do this shit i ask my mom how she’s doing and she says she’s in a horrible mood because she gained 3.2 lbs. like honestly i literally don’t care how your eating disorder affects your mood i really don’t want to hear it and also have you considered not being an alcoholic if you’re so concerned with gaining weight

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

thinking about the time i went on a date with this guy who asked me if my eyebrows are thin “on purpose”

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

listen i love high/low fashion but chanel with target? that’s unforgivable (cardi b if you see this yes i’m talking about you)

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

i’m probably gonna die early (like 50′s or 60′s idk) from some horrible ailment on account of living with bipolar and ptsd my whole life like the amount of stress it puts on the body is literally insane lol i have constant health issues already and i’m p sure that’s why. just all the stress my body is storing all the time (even when i’m actually doing quite well)

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

no manic rant today because 1. i’m not manic anymore and 2. i’m too fucking tired from having terrible sleep every single night since i started emdr

yea i started emdr btw. it’s fucking awful but sort of fixing my brain i think

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

wassup i only come here to post selfies and manic rants

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

i think a riot is necessary, i’m willing to risk it all at this point.. though i recognize the role my whiteness plays in this scenario... as is, as we know, this is going to have the most salient, the most destructive, violent consequences on black and brown women. we’ve learned these lessons too many times before. i have never had any shred of patriotism in my body and i have always had disdain towards the state i’ve called home almost my entire life, but what was once a tiny bit of stubborn and naive pride in being a texan has been lost completely. i don’t even know why i’m trying to articulate any of these feelings as it is impossible to do so. but this is a day of incredible grief. it’s suffocating. i can’t wrap my head around the fact that if any of my friends or i were to have an accident, we will be forced to travel out of state to exercise our autonomy as women. what we had left of that. we will now live under surveillance, we will feel a sense of disembodiment, struggle with our feminine identities, our sense of worth. the literal only feasible solution in my mind is a feminist revolution

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

spending my day relaxing under my fav blanket, Surfing The Net, listening to some liquid dnb, eating indulgent food, taking a bath, sorting my cassettes, watching some youchube, reading...basically biding my time until i see my darling tomorrow

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

One thing about being a Pisces, my eyes look sad 100% of the time

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

I still occupy a physical form

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

I’m in love and I’m very fucked! I am so fucked!

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

thanks for being here! thanks for everything! thanks for reading my manic rants and worthless postulations and ruminations and musings on nothing! my life is the shittiest rollercoaster and i’m afraid of rollercoasters! never even been on one! so take that into consideration! can you tell i’m fried from meds! is my anxiety palpable right now! i’m very anxious! i have nothing to say!

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

i haven’t done a poetry reading in yeeears and i’d really like to... it seems there aren’t any/many happening here anymore. i don’t know if i know enough people who would be interested to organize one myself. and open mics are cringe! what to do

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

Lol I was manic as fuck when I wrote this if you couldn’t tell

dude i’m so sad about culture today idk why maybe it’s bc i finally got batteries for my boombox and went cassette/cd shopping yesterday and have thus been listening to physical music exclusively, and it’s making me super nostalgic. 

idk i know i’m becoming a shaking-fist-in-the-sky millennial just as the boomers did to us but it doesn’t even have anything to do with the younger generation, who i clown on bc i’m getting old but i have great respect for in many ways (fierce albeit often misguided sense of justice, highly creative and intuitive, much kinder and more empathetic, nonconformist). 

my problem is with the powers that be that are manipulating cultural production more than ever before through incredibly sinister means, which we’ve just accepted… 

and i do believe that because the younger gen has not seen the evolution of social media from the beginning, they are a bit (understandably) naive to the evils of it? the corporate supergiants know this and are blatantly exploiting it, manipulating narratives, feeding us content that targets our specific weaknesses and struggles for profit, generally just being the sole deciders of culture itself. and it’s not our fault as consumers of course. 

but i also fear that there is no turning back from it all - surveillance and data mining, industry planting, the increasing bombardment of what are often disguised advertisements, the powerlessness and resulting decay of authenticity/innovation/self expression on behalf of the public despite our efforts. we no longer have any control over what we consume. the culture industries have always been evil, but beginning with facebook, they have become much much smarter and have us all in a complete vice.

i’m approaching my saturn return and more than ever before am experiencing feelings of grief in many senses, i’m uncovering lost memories, i’m diving into my traumas on purpose bc i’m desperate to finally heal - it’s necessary at this point of my life, now that my identity is becoming more solidified. 

and i guess that grief includes the detachment i’m so desperately fighting from my roots, what i’ve known and loved, and i guess if i’m being honest with myself, what and how i’ve consumed. i’m mainly thinking about music here, and other media too, but my number one love in this life is music and social media has absolutely ruined what little integrity the music industry once had. the consumption of music has lost much of its intimacy for me, because i know the tangible harms of streaming, algorithms, and so on, and how i’m actively lining the pockets of billionaires at the expense of not only myself but the artists i cherish.

anywho, this became a really tangential rant, but damn, the closer i get to 30, the more disconnection and yearning i experience. this is a painful time for me generally speaking, very introspective. and thank god i now have the tools to cope with it all, i know who i am, my feet are mostly firmly planted to solid ground. to end on a positive note… 

and i always have my memories, and i always have my cassettes and cds and artifacts from a time when we could express ourselves for expression’s sake.