prettyjungwon

[prettyjungwon]

𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗬 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝗔𝗪𝗛𝗜𝗟𝗘; psh

𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜. sunghoon × gn!reader

𝙜𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚. angst, nonidol!au

𝙨𝙮𝙣𝙤𝙥𝙨𝙞𝙨. eversince the start you had noticed something off, but you were far too into him to scrutinize things. as a result it came back to you when you were way in deep and thought everything was fine.

𝙬𝙘. 1.3k+

𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨. side character death mentioned, sort of rebound!reader

𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙚. recommend listening to SMILE AGAIN by blackbear. it's been so long like more than 2 months since I last wrote angst, please don't expect much from this.

@sunflower-riki @megdoienalds @abdiitcryy @rae-blogging @cherry-bushes @allyg-onz @strwberrydinosaur @ryujinae @penny-quinn @thaliee @youreverydayzebra @jayujus @love13tter @baekhyunstruly @gtfovi @heecyon [send an ask to be on my permanent taglist for oneshots and series]

"sometimes love will leave you even when it's right."

827 days

that's how much time you've been in a relationship with sunghoon. a simple two expanding to so many days and so many more moments. you were never the one to keep a track, just too forgetful to continue the numbers, yet this time something is different, so different that it feels like another version of a first love.

3017 days; that's sunghoon's count.

at first you had assumed that he had simply made a mistake, when you saw the figure showing up on the lockscreen of his iPhone. for a long time thinking that perhaps the count started from when he had known you, remembering the time he told you he knew you way before you got to know of his existence.

but as time passed, all the pieces connected and everything made sense. how the first thing he wakes up in the morning and does is check for messages, fingers hovering over a certain contact you only caught a blurry glimpse of a few times, but never opening it as if waiting for a notification- an excuse. how on specific dates he disappears for the entire day only to come back home around midnight, always dressed in that blue shirt he never lets you touch, the cloth tucked away in the deepest corner of his closet. how sometimes he pauses for a minute before calling out to you, as if trying to find the right name or realizing you are the wrong person for the name at the tip of his tongue.

sometimes he would buy the wrong things, like a different ice cream flavor, different color of scarf, different shoe size, different boba flavor or coffee order, tickets for a different genre of movie or band concerts, forgetting your favorite or preferred ones; turns out it isn't you who's on his mind when he's out in the store or the line. it hurt you everytime it happened but when he apologized, you couldn't find it in you to question why and just forgave him.

you met him two and a half years ago, when he was in his most vulnerable phase. you had gotten to know from his friends about his break up, that he had recently been single again. the same friends who told you a few months ago that it wasn't exactly a break up, his girlfriend died in a plane crash six months before you met him.

maybe that was what the count is for. he's waiting for her, even when he knows she's gone.

they say first love is a memory of a lifetime,

one might not still have romantic feelings for their first but they always remember, the person, the moments, the feelings of the past. maybe, just maybe if she was his first love it would have hurt a little less. but she wasn't.

they had been dating for five years, had a lot of things they wanted to do together, a future they looked forward to with the other. and most of all, sunghoon was planning to propose when she came back from the work trip; but she never did.

eversince you often wondered why he agreed to be with you if he wasn't over her yet. it had just been about a year after her death that you had made a move on him, soon asking him out to be your boyfriend. no one told you why he broke up with his girlfriend not to mention she wasn't even alive anymore, sunghoon himself never talked about his past or her. maybe it was the same old, "she would've wanted me to move on", but this wasn't moving on, this was pretending to be. it made you question whether all those loving things he did and still does with you, for you are genuine or not.

in all those movies you've seen and books you've read, where the character stays even though their partner is cheating physically or emotionally, you never understood why, why they never leave but perhaps now you do.

"do you love me?" you had once asked him when he was drunk, trusting the saying 'a drunk mind speaks a sober heart', holding his face in your hands, making him look you in the eyes so he knows it's not her but you. "I really want to," he had mumbled softly, a whisper of her name following after, so inaudible yet you still heard it; it was as if he felt guilty for trying to find new happiness. the words had broken your heart, but you wanted, still want to stay. for you it's the attachment and the hope, and the love, how he treats you better than any of your exes though you've always been in healthy relationships.

and watching him wake up everyday, and then checking for a sign of her, you realize as long as he wanted, you would keep pretending along with him. because just like he's stuck with a part of her, you're stuck with a part of him. a part of him which maybe actually loves you, or at least shows that he does.

what they had he considered forever, knowing very well the forever would end someday but he didn't know it would be that soon. and just like that you think you can go on like this forever, even if that forever were to end tomorrow.

today you had a date planned, a table reserved in your favorite restaurant where you're currently seated after sunghoon left in a hurry. he had gotten a call an hour ago, which he had excused himself to attend. you had managed to catch a glimpse of the contact name, it was her mother, his ex's mother, he still had her saved as mother-in-law. when he came back to the table, a look of apology and dismay on his face- you immediately knew he had to leave. but he couldn't just leave you there so you did what you thought would be best, told him you can go back on your own anyways and that you still wanted to stay out for a while longer so he need not worry. he told you to text him when you reach home and that he'll be back late before he was out the door and you watched as he got into his car and drove away.

you know the call had something to do with her, you knew it the moment you looked into his eyes when he came back to leave. you are no one to decide what he should do with things to related to his past yet the fact that he cared enough to ask you even if it wasn't words and even if you knew he would have left anyways showed that maybe he is trying; trying to live in the present. maybe the clench in your heart made you conscious of how he must feel. of course the pain is different for you both but you want to understand.

later at night when you go back to your shared apartment, you find sunghoon passed out in the living room, a cardboard box beside the couch, containing things you assume belonged to her. sunghoon is sitting on the floor, his head resting on the coffee table ontop of a handmade photobook, pages covered with pictures of him and his ex. just beside it, is his phone screen showing her contact opened, where the last message he sent dates back to three years ago on her death anniversary,"have a safe flight, I love you," which shows unread below the text.

something he has never before said to you, only ever replying with a 'me too', maybe someday you both will find a paradise where the past will be a happy memory or perhaps you'll part ways. all you know that you were happy for awhile, the while before you knew of her. you're still happy now, not all parts of you, but the part which has come to love him enough to disregard that he's not wholly yours.

it feels bittersweet to love him, like a dust storm swallowing the sky yet the sky is still there in all glory. you'll hold him for as long as you can, as long as he will want you to.

[prettyjungwon]