psychotichvt

[psychotichvt]

You haven't posted for a while. How are you doing?

theres nothing on this site for me anymore lol

idk im in vet school trying to not off myself? im tired

[psychotichvt]

Congrats on getting in to vet school! You've talked about it for so long x

Thank you, only took me a decade lol

[psychotichvt]

i got into vet school yeehaw

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its my birthday and im not in hospo following a suicide attempt or at a funeral so a wins a win

[psychotichvt]

i hate that i got diagnosed with a slew of severe mental illnesses at 21 and didnt receive “proper” help until i was 25. i hate that this was after multiple suicide attempts. at my lowest weight that literally no one noticed. sh every day. i hate that the “proper” help i received ended up meaning nothing after 3 years and just adding to the pile of trauma. i hate that everything got so much worse and i didnt die in november which i shouldve. no one takes me seriously. its just for attention. never mind the months i put into planning my attempts. im lucky ig. or incredibly unintelligent. my psychiatrist balks at the mgs of pills i take and is surprised im alive. its sick and twisted. im expected to push on and go to vet school well knowing itll end up with an iv of pento. i’ll probably survive that too. i hate that its been over a decade of me on this website churning out the same textposts with the same themes. she said i never tried. i tried and gave all i had. its 100% effort when i am giving all the effort i have. you cant put parameters on mental health help and brush me off when i am literally screaming at you i am going to kill myself and then yell at me when i overdose. i thought i would be over this by now but guess not. 

[psychotichvt]

x

#i realized today #all the people #whos lives ive been in however long or briefly #they will all have a low opinion and negative perception of me #and i can never change that #and thats a heavy realization

[psychotichvt]

Hey, I'm not gonna tell you not to kill yourself cos, yeah, you don't know who tf I am. But I'm thinking of you and I check your blog every so often. I know that means nothing but. Well. Selfishly I wanted to say it. Anyway tell me what music you've been listening to lately?

medically, i dont know how im alive. its just some sort of sick joke. every year i just accumulate trauma and i cant fix it, it just gets worse. i wish i could just die but for some unknown reason im immortal for now. dont waste energy on thinking about me, im a nobody.

very in my lana del rey era thank u for asking

[psychotichvt]

i tried to kill myself again in november. is this the 9th time? by all accounts i should be dead 3 times over. no one knows how im still here. i got fired in a cruel way by my therapist. my family ignores me. ive quit my job. i have no plans, no future. 10 years on, 15 years on, nearly 28 years on, its the same. crying and typing the same posts on tumblr. maybe if i slit my wrists deep enough that will work. my body cant defy that. 

[psychotichvt]

I hope you’re okay, I still think abt you even though I don’t think you want to hear from me.

this could be from multiple people and thats kinda sad

[psychotichvt]

x

#i had a dream you reached out #and we made up

[psychotichvt]

x

#i try to kms again and its the same rhetoric #its my fault im the problem im ruining everyones lives #and my mh team has just ghosted me #i hate this country i hate myself

[psychotichvt]

took 100 zopi, didnt work. hate my life

[psychotichvt]

x

#for christmas im giving myself an early death

[psychotichvt]

What do u think of Taylor’s new album?

i love it i want to scream cry rip my hair out starve myself jump off a cliff

[psychotichvt]

:~) 

#im going to attempt #who knows when #maybe work will #work out #i hope it does

[psychotichvt]

x

#quedtion for #my therapist #if i #dont #feel a sense of beloging #what is life for>

[psychotichvt]

i know i need to accept it!!! i know!!!!! logicallt i have!!!! but i dont know what to do with all the hurt and paqin i have daily!!! its affected every part of my life okay!!!!! and yes i dont always cope effectively but!!!!!! im trying!!! and if u dont think im doing my best, lets cut our losses and aprt ways!!!! i do not set out to intentiaonlly undermine you in group or anything!!! okay!!!! im doing better!!!!!! im willing to talk about this but i fear being judged!!!! ironically i was thinking how logically, yes i can trust you, then you mock my pain and hurt and i just!!!!! you say you know me so well but you think that my only issue is i wasnt loved by my mother and thats not truew!!!!! yes it all stems to that but ive been hurt and beaten down by so many people at so many different points in my life and yes, it comes back to the fact my mother never loved me, but no one else did either!!! i never had a safe adukt, a safe space!!! any traua i went through i had to deal with alone okay!!! you dont know that!!! you dont know what ive been through because i havet shared, because i am scared okay!!!!! so please stop acting like my only issue is my mother didnt love me, its so much more than that and i want to talk about it but im fucking scared youll throw it back in my face if i slip up and do dumb shit okay!!!!! i know im difficult and your patience is running out but im fucking trying!!!!!!!