raerae-the-potato

[raerae-the-potato]

THIS HAPPENED.

This year, I am capable of supporting my parent's needs totally, 100%.

This year I can be able to afford living or staying in Montalban without any financial problem and inconviniences.

This year finally my whole family is insured and Ate's loan are all paid. In Jesus name!

[raerae-the-potato]

I Just want to understand my feelings.

I do know and fully aware that my feelings are valid no matter how bad it may seems to others. So here it goes...

I do love my parents, despite of their shortcomings and trauma they've given me ahaha but when I moved out and started living away from them, I always feel like I am isolating myself from them. It feels like I don't want to go home again. Its hard to explain, I do miss them a lot especially my mother but I don't feel very obligated to go home and visit them. Others may think I am a bad daughter, but God knows how much I wanted to earn a lot of money just to end their problem and have an easy life. God knows how I wanted to be very capable of providing their needs and anything they've been wanting to have.

Growing up, life was definitely so hard. The constant problem about money fed me up. We are renting all our life and monthly payment is always a problem to my parents. I understand these struggle so early that I remember not wanting to go home after school because the aura in our house was so bad because we cant pay rent again. I am not blaming my parents since they are also came from a poor family, they didn't get a chance to finish school so you know, opportunities are not a lot. Its just that its hard growing up worrying each day, each month if are we going to survive financially.

Not just financially, I was also struggling growing up about my parents themselves. I lived in a constant anxiety and fears. Due to struggling in money, my father used to deal with it using alcohol and being drunk. My father is a total monster when he is drunk and whenever that happen we are having a long night dealing with a monster. Many times even when I was so young, he is attacking my mother also me and my sister. A lot of times I remember seeing my mother with bruises and black eye, there's always blood on her. Being a child, I convinced myself that my father is capable of killing us all, I know he can because I've never saw him hesitate whenever when he's throwing things and punches to my mother. They also always fight even on a little things but mostly money. How my parents deal every problem was embarrassing. I also remember my father always want to cause scene when he's drunk. He is not embarrassed by it, he always humiliate us by being a drunk. He's a narcissist, a total asshole. I am always angry with mother's decision of not leaving my father even though my father's behavior to her and her daughters was very unacceptable.

And now, they are making their two daughters as their retirement plan . Again, I'm not blaming them I am aware of our status growing up. My sister already spent A LOT of money just to keep my parents comfortable living off the grid and very remotely in Rizal. I always told her that its not worth it and it may cost a lot since we are also need to pay for our cost of living in the city but she really approves my parents wants. I always reminding her how much she already spent for them but always left with nothing. She even compromising herself and health just to support our parents everyday needs. She is giving everything for them and she is struggling even in her simple needs. She is now drowning with loan debt. I really cant understand her. Totally. I don't know why she's having a hard time making decision when its clear that she's just spending money with no insurance and always left nothing but debt.

Being with them is stressing and exhausting. Being with them always reminding me that I needed to earn a lot of money. being with them makes me afraid of the future, because we still don't have any assets, no savings and still living paycheck to paycheck and they are soon to enter 60s.

Me going home gives them opportunity to tell me all the problem they're having everyday. telling me they need this amount of money to have this and that. ITS EXHAUSTING!!! I really have no idea how my sister is dealing with all these. I can understand if she's depressed right now. She doesn't even consider to have a family and child on her own! HAHHAAHA

That's why. My trauma response is to get myself out and away from those people who caused me pain, fear and stress.

I hate this feeling so much, but its valid. This is just me finally being capable of living away from the chaos I've been living for many years since I was a child. This is just me finally having freedom.

I do love them, but its just really exhausting.

[raerae-the-potato]

Valentines 2024

I'm working from home and my work time is EST so basically after my shift the date here on PH is Feb 15th and no longer Valentines day HAHAHAHA. I slept all day on Valentines but I least I'm with my bf. Nothing special happened, we just did what our usual routine in the morning.

I really have no expectation with my man anymore. He is currently unemployed and a nonchalant. Sweetness is no where to be found. I cant lie, I somehow want to experience receiving chocolates and flowers during valentines day even just once in my life and also bringing me on dates but yeah I lost my expectations to people long long ago so its clearly not the reason to ruin my day every valentines day.

I'm just grateful that a while ago, even he knows I'm not doing anything but to sleep all day is he did not go anywhere. That's fucked up if he went out without me during valentines day. I'll surely flipped the fuck out!

Also, I'm just grateful that I have work during these day. you know I have salary to look forward to. HHAHAHAH

I'm just grateful today that even I can see what I'm not having because of social media, I am still fully aware that I should not be comparing my self to other people. That I should not be influenced by social media. People are only posting what they want people to see so yeah. Happy Valentine's day, Raerae!

[raerae-the-potato]

First entry: Just a random thoughts while watching romantic series (while also working).

So I'm watching One day on Netflix now. Just a thought, that every man loves casual sex with the person they just met, a total stranger, no background info, just driven by lust.

Yet, if one woman refused to have one night stand with them or doing it more sooner, that woman become memorable person and that woman become different from the rest and call them a fucking ONE IN A MILLION. (total BS)

My mind blown away! I haven't finished the series yet but if its based on the reality, I'm pretty sure that if they end up with each other and be committed slash long term RS and yeah sex is nothing special anymore, more likely the man will likely to find new hahaha yeah I am hurt and has trauma.