ramblearchive

[ramblearchive]

entry 2 – emotions

sat | may 06 2023

I'm a very emotional person. Ever since birth, my emotions have had their knob turned to the max as I screamed my infant cry all the time even if nothing is happening. I guess you can say I feel my emotions very deeply to the extent that overreacting and exaggerating is a norm for me, much to others' discontent.

My family is very much not emotional people. I have two older sisters and one would think that sisters would form an open emotional bond, where they feel comfortable sharing secrets and problems. Not in my household. My sisters and my dad are emotionally sensitive people, and although they strive in seeking intelligence, they kinda suck at dealing with emotional issues. Unfortunately for them, I'm an emotional issue.

Thankfully, I have my mom whom is much knowledgeable when it comes to dealing with people and their emotions. But even she is... well.. closed off. Having this mindset that one should be optimistic, efficient, patient and sensible all the time.

See, I'm not like that. I'm kind of a wildcard when it comes to emotions. Which is why my family never wants to deal with it...

which is why I never want to deal with it.

I grew up thinking that whenever I feel too much, it'll cause problems and it'll be burdensome. So I've never really learnt how to process negative emotions properly. All my life I just lock them in a box and leave it there. Better for me, better for others. I'd use other methods to distract myself, so I wouldn't have to feel. But man...

I wish I didn't have to do that.

I wish I can just sit somewhere and cry sometimes, or scream into the air, or jump as high as I can whenever I get excited. Because everytime I feel too much, there's this nagging voice in my head that tells me to shut up. And now... feelings overwhelm me much quicker, because I push them away too much. The same ghosts haunt my heart time and time again, and each time I ignore them and pretend like the problem is solved.

But... what else should I do?

It's hard to navigate through my feelings. They're like an atomic bomb, and each time I feel, it implodes, and all that's left is the scattered rubble that its pieces can't meld together anymore. Who would be able to walk through such a state of mind, and compartmentalize each emotion, until it all makes sense again? I wouldn't.

I'm just tired of getting upset whenever I'm deemed crazy, or overemotional, or irrational. People telling me how I should feel. Why can't I just have a moment to actually hear what my heart is saying? Instead of tuning it out just to adhere to the comfort of others? When I'm told that I'm overreacting, it doesn't make the reason behind it any less impactful. It just makes me feel like its my fault, and that I'm stupid.

I just want someone to hear me out, instead of telling me, "you shouldn't feel this way".

[ramblearchive]

entry 1 - curry

tue | april 11, 2023

I love curry. I think it's the most delicious thing this world has to offer. Yes, more delicious than any wagyu steak or fresh lobster you can find at buffets or fancy shmancy restaurants. I love how it's creamy and spicy, but not spicy as in it's cooked with sacks of chilli. It's a GOOD spicy, as in it's cooked with sacks of delicious spices. These spices, like cinnamon sticks, nutmeg, cengkih, etc. make the curry so incredibly aromatic and melodically delicious. I say that because whenever I eat curry, I can hear an ensemble playing Claude Debussy's Arabesque No. 1 and there's enormous three-tiered water fountains.

Obviously it's my favorite food of all time and I don't think it would change any time soon. Curry is obviously delicious, and it's not that difficult to make once you really catch on the process. But other than curry being god-like in its taste, curry also serves a sentimental value to me. You know who else serves a sentimental value to me?

MY MOM...

I feel as if my mom's curry is the best in the whole multiverse. She knows exactly what I like and dislike, and she uses that knowledge when cooking. At the same time, she pours her heart and soul into any dish she cooks for her family and it shows in the way it's presented, tastes and how it's heartbreaking to be wasted away. Like most mothers, my mom is a very hardworking woman. She does almost everything on her own; the housework, managing school stuff, office work, familial networking... When I say housework, it's not just cooking and cleaning; she manages all the renovations, repairs, decor, design, and quality of the house too. If something breaks, she's the one that handles it. If the car goes "nuh-uh", she's the one that gets it repaired and serviced. She works 24/7, and I try to help out the best I can.

Back to curry, that's why curry holds a special place in my heart. It's scrump-diddly-doodly-umptious and my mom makes the best one despite being exhausted from all the hard work she has to endure. It's also the first dish my mom taught me how to make. Now I can make it, albeit not as excellent as my mother's but with a little time, maybe it can be.