randallatha-blog

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I've been depressed

I've been very depressed for a long time, I kept it hidden from those that love me which consists only my wife,unless you count my dogs,oddly they seem to know something is off about me but I've always thought dogs were empithetic, I won't go into why I am so very depressed, that list would reach to the most distant star but it involves life. I am at an age where I know more people dead than I do alive . I have pushed my former friends away from me ,why? I do not know. I dont use drugs but I have been hitting the bottle very hard. I used to think I had my perverbial shit together but I dont, I will not lie, I've been thinking about death, my own i mean.

I love my wife,dont think that I dont but I think she doesn't love me as much as I love her.

[randallatha-blog]

My pup is dieing .I wrote this poem,sorry in a shitty poet I hope that as the darkness closed in you did not fear and you bravely let out that growl we used to hear, Perhaps God whispered in your ear, "come now little pup,your suffering is done but your life has only just begun," You follow him through the gates of heaven with a wagging tail and take in the sights, I hope that your tomorrows that would never be will be given to you ten fold, I hope your halo fits, I hope your wings help you sore, I hope there will be treats and petting forever more, I hope that you will miss us and remember us fondly. And I hope that you will look down and see our pain and maybe you will fly down and somehow give us a little of the joy you bring,

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My thoughts

I am a horrible father.... Well if you want to get technical I'm no longer a father because that has been taken from me. My son nikiolas was the apple of my eye, he was a fun loving kid with an amazing imagination and a love of the outdoors that few could rival but I ruined that... I wasn't trying though, his mom had a stroke and she could no longer care for herself so for two years I worked and took care of her and the house, which meant nik went without discipline... He became hateful and I realized too late. Clara died and I know nik had some deep seated guilt for the way he treated her while she was sick, I met someone else and remarried, nik resented this I think and the whole time I discovered later Nike grandma a woman who hated me was slowly working her way into Niks mind, manipulating him.... Right before his 15th birthday he left to stay with her for the summer, I should have known better and I haven't seen or talked to him since., once he was up there his grandma slapped me and my wife with a restraining order saying we beat him and sexually molested him, the cops got involved, cps as well, long story short we were found innocent of course but his granny used that time to get full custody. I havent seen or spoke to him since June, she won't let me and has turned him against me, so yeah... I am a horrible father, this is my curse and my haunting

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Some days I just need to hear that its going to be ok but I don't have someone to say that to me anymore

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I have been hated ever since I can remember, my father hated me, my family hates me even mom didn't like me, random people hates me, I've been told by them,,,,,so why? I've always considered myself a nice guy,I help others when I can, I donate to charities when I have the money, so why does people including my own wife hate me? I think,,,,about 60 percent sure here that I either put off a vibe others hate or instead of lovable I'm hateable.

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How do you deal with failure? A good wuestion, I fail every damn day, I'm surprised that my wife hasn't divorced me yet, I am failure but I never stop because if one shoots at the same target over and over again even a poor marksman will hit the target once,

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ANYONE

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A puppy deep in thought about snow,squirrels. And important puppy things

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Rough night

Its been a rough night, I think my wife doesn't love me as much as she says, almost 24 hours without sleep, been thinking about shrugging off this mortal coil,

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