randomelephantnoises-blog

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

if you fall ill be there

floor

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

FALCON CONFIRMED FOR ‘AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR’!

Thus far Marvel had kept Falcon’s appearance in the movie under wraps, but star Anthony Mackie has confirmed on Twitter that he has been filming scenes for the movie in Scotland!

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

@pan-pizza somehow gets more and more embarrassing. How far will this man go. How pathetic can it get.

@nolanthebiggestnerd @stevraybro @jimforce

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

when will this be a meme

SHREK                                       Written by                                William Steig & Ted Elliott                                     SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do ��                       like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)           ��   At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.               ��         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

the entire bee movie script

According to all known laws of aviation,   there is no way a bee should be able to fly.   Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.   The bee, of course, flies anyway   because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.   Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.   Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.   Barry! Breakfast is ready!   Ooming!   Hang on a second.   Hello?   - Barry? - Adam?   - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.   Looking sharp.   Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.   Sorry. I'm excited.   Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.   A perfect report card, all B's.   Very proud.   Ma! I got a thing going here.   - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!   - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!   Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!   - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry.   - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation.   Never thought I'd make it.   Three days grade school, three days high school.   Those were awkward.   Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.   You did come back different.   - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.   - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah.   - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going.   Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.   Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.   I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.   I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.   That's why we don't need vacations.   Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.   - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are!   - Bee-men. - Amen!   Hallelujah!   Students, faculty, distinguished bees,   please welcome Dean Buzzwell.   Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...   ...9:15.   That concludes our ceremonies.   And begins your career at Honex Industries!   Will we pick ourjob today?   I heard it's just orientation.   Heads up! Here we go.   Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.   - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary.   Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco   and a part of the Hexagon Group.   This is it!   Wow.   Wow.   We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life   to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.   Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.   Our top-secret formula   is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured   into this soothing sweet syrup   with its distinctive golden glow you know as...   Honey!   - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!   - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins.   - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive   to improve every aspect of bee existence.   These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.   - What do you think he makes? - Not enough.   Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.   - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey   that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.   Oan anyone work on the Krelman?   Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know   that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.   But choose carefully   because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.   The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.   What's the difference?   You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off   in 27 million years.   So you'll just work us to death?   We'll sure try.   Wow! That blew my mind!   "What's the difference?" How can you say that?   One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.   I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.   But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?   Why would you question anything? We're bees.   We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.   You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?   Like what? Give me one example.   I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.   Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.   Wait a second. Oheck it out.   - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow.   I've never seen them this close.   They know what it's like outside the hive.   Yeah, but some don't come back.   - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!   You guys did great!   You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!   - I wonder where they were. - I don't know.   Their day's not planned.   Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.   You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.   Right.   Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.   It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.   Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.   Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?   Distant. Distant.   Look at these two.   - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them.   It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.   Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!   He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!   - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out.   What were you doing during this?   Trying to alert the authorities.   I can autograph that.   A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?   Yeah. Gusty.   We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.   - Six miles, huh? - Barry!   A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.   - Maybe I am. - You are not!   We're going 0900 at J-Gate.   What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?   I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.   Hey, Honex!   Dad, you surprised me.   You decide what you're interested in?   - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one.   Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?   Son, let me tell you about stirring.   You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.   You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.   You know, Dad, the more I think about it,   maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.   You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?   That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.   Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!   - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny.   You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!   - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me!   Wait till you see the sticks I have.   I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!   Let's open some honey and celebrate!   Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.   Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!   I'm so proud.   - We're starting work today! - Today's the day.   Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.   Yeah, right.   Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...   - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left!   One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.   - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar!   Wow!   Oouple of newbies?   Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!   Make your choice.   - You want to go first? - No, you go.   Oh, my. What's available?   Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.   - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on.   I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.   Wax monkey's always open.   The Krelman opened up again.   What happened?   A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.   Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.   Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!   Oh, this is so hard!   Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,   humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,   mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?   Barry!   All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...   What happened to you? Where are you?   - I'm going out. - Out? Out where?   - Out there. - Oh, no!   I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.   You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?   Another call coming in.   If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd   that gets their roses today.   Hey, guys.   - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?   Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.   It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.   Really? Feeling lucky, are you?   Sign here, here. Just initial that.   - Thank you. - OK.   You got a rain advisory today,   and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.   So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,   hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.   Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.   Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!   - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies,   bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!   All right, launch positions!   Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!   Black and yellow!   Hello!   You ready for this, hot shot?   Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.   Wind, check.   - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.   - Wings, check. - Stinger, check.   Scared out of my shorts, check.   OK, ladies,   let's move it out!   Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!   All of you, drain those flowers!   Wow! I'm out!   I can't believe I'm out!   So blue.   I feel so fast and free!   Box kite!   Wow!   Flowers!   This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.   Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.   Roses!   30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.   Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.   That is one nectar collector!   - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir.   I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,   a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.   That's amazing. Why do we do that?   That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.   Oool.   I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?   Oopy that visual.   Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.   Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?   Affirmative.   That was on the line!   This is the coolest. What is it?   I don't know, but I'm loving this color.   It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.   Yeah, fuzzy.   Ohemical-y.   Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.   My sweet lord of bees!   Oandy-brain, get off there!   Problem!   - Guys! - This could be bad.   Affirmative.   Very close.   Gonna hurt.   Mama's little boy.   You are way out of position, rookie!   Ooming in at you like a missile!   Help me!   I don't think these are flowers.   - Should we tell him? - I think he knows.   What is this?!   Match point!   You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!   Yowser!   Gross.   There's a bee in the car!   - Do something! - I'm driving!   - Hi, bee. - He's back here!   He's going to sting me!   Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!   He blinked!   Spray him, Granny!   What are you doing?!   Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.   I gotta get home.   Oan't fly in rain.   Oan't fly in rain.   Oan't fly in rain.   Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!   Ken, could you close the window please?   Ken, could you close the window please?   Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.   You see? Folds out.   Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.   What was that?   Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...   Drapes!   That is diabolical.   It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.   What's number one? Star Wars?   Nah, I don't go for that...   ...kind of stuff.   No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.   When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.   There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.   I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.   I predicted global warming.   I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.   Wait! Stop! Bee!   Stand back. These are winter boots.   Wait!   Don't kill him!   You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!   Why does his life have less value than yours?   Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?   I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.   My brochure!   There you go, little guy.   I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.   Put that on your resume brochure.   My whole face could puff up.   Make it one of your special skills.   Knocking someone out is also a special skill.   Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.   - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.   - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye.   - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye.   I gotta say something.   She saved my life. I gotta say something.   All right, here it goes.   Nah.   What would I say?   I could really get in trouble.   It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.   I can't believe I'm doing this.   I've got to.   Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!   No. Yes. No.   Do it. I can't.   How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.   Here she comes! Speak, you fool!   Hi!   I'm sorry.   - You're talking. - Yes, I know.   You're talking!   I'm so sorry.   No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.   But I don't recall going to bed.   Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.   This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!   I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,   but they were all trying to kill me.   And if it wasn't for you...   I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.   That was a little weird.   - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah.   I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!   I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.   - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What?   The talking thing.   Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.   - That's very funny. - Yeah.   Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.   Anyway...   Oan I...   ...get you something? - Like what?   I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?   I don't want to put you out.   It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.   - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose.   - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup.   Hey, you want rum cake?   - I shouldn't. - Have some.   - No, I can't. - Oome on!   I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.   - Where? - These stripes don't help.   You look great!   I don't know if you know anything about fashion.   Are you all right?   No.   He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.   He finally gets there.   He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.   And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.   Why would I marry a watermelon?"   Is that a bee joke?   That's the kind of stuff we do.   Yeah, different.   So, what are you gonna do, Barry?   About work? I don't know.   I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.   I know how you feel.   - You do? - Sure.   My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.   - Really? - My only interest is flowers.   Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.   Anyway, if you look...   There's my hive right there. See it?   You're in Sheep Meadow!   Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!   No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.   - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?   - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that.   - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine.   Just having two cups of coffee!   Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.   Yeah, it's no trouble.   Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.   Are you...?   Oan I take a piece of this with me?   Sure! Here, have a crumb.   - Thanks! - Yeah.   All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.   Or not.   OK, Barry.   And thank you so much again... for before.   Oh, that? That was nothing.   Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...   This can't possibly work.   He's all set to go. We may as well try it.   OK, Dave, pull the chute.   - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing!   It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.   Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!   Giant, scary humans! What were they like?   Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.   They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.   - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't.   - How'd you get back? - Poodle.   You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.   You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.   - Well... - Well?   Well, I met someone.   You did? Was she Bee-ish?   - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp.   - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders.   I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.   I can't get by that face.   So who is she?   She's... human.   No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.   - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy.   She's so nice. And she's a florist!   Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!   We're not dating.   You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes   with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!   She saved my life! And she understands me.   This is over!   Eat this.   This is not over! What was that?   - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey!   And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!   - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.   It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...   Sit down!   ...really hot! - Listen to me!   We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!   Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?   There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!   You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!   - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.   Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!   There he is. He's in the pool.   You know what your problem is, Barry?   I gotta start thinking bee?   How much longer will this go on?   It's been three days! Why aren't you working?   I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.   What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!   Would it kill you to make a little honey?   Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.   Martin, would you talk to him?   Barry, I'm talking to you!   You coming?   Got everything?   All set!   Go ahead. I'll catch up.   Don't be too long.   Watch this!   Vanessa!   - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him.   He doesn't respond to yelling!   - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!   I'm not listening to this.   Sorry, I've gotta go.   - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend.   A girl? Is this why you can't decide?   Bye.   I just hope she's Bee-ish.   They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?   To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!   Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.   A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?   No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?   It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.   Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.   TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!   You don't have that?   We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.   Oh, my.   Dumb bees!   You must want to sting all those jerks.   We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.   So you have to watch your temper.   Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,   write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:   Anger, jealousy, lust.   Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?   Yeah.   - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug.   He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!   What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?   Yeah, it was. How did you know?   It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.   You've really got that down to a science.   - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet.   What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?   How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,   Ray Liotta Private Select?   - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him.   - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it.   You don't have enough food of your own?   - Well, yes. - How do you get it?   - Bees make it. - I know who makes it!   And it's hard to make it!   There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!   - It's organic. - It's our-ganic!   It's just honey, Barry.   Just what?!   Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!   You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!   And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.   I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!   Hey, Hector.   - You almost done? - Almost.   He is here. I sense it.   Well, I guess I'll go home now   and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.   You're busted, box boy!   I knew I heard something. So you can talk!   I can talk. And now you'll start talking!   Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?   I don't understand. I thought we were friends.   The last thing we want to do is upset bees!   You're too late! It's ours now!   You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!   You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!   Where is the honey coming from?   Tell me where!   Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!   Orazy person!   What horrible thing has happened here?   These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now   they're on the road to nowhere!   Just keep still.   What? You're not dead?   Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?   To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.   I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!   I'm going to Tacoma.   - And you? - He really is dead.   All right.   Uh-oh!   - What is that?! - Oh, no!   - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade?   Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!   Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!   How much do you people need to see?!   Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!   From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.   But don't kill no more bugs!   - Bee! - Moose blood guy!!   - You hear something? - Like what?   Like tiny screaming.   Turn off the radio.   Whassup, bee boy?   Hey, Blood.   Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.   Wow!   I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.   I mean, that honey's ours.   - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in.   It's a close community.   Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.   - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble.   Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!   At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.   Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.   Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.   You got to be kidding me!   Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!   - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood!   I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?   We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.   What is this place?   A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.   They are pinheads!   Pinhead.   - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.   The Thomas 3000!   Smoker?   Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.   A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.   They make the honey, and we make the money.   "They make the honey, and we make the money"?   Oh, my!   What's going on? Are you OK?   Yeah. It doesn't last too long.   Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?   Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.   This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!   That's a drag queen!   What is this?   Oh, no!   There's hundreds of them!   Bee honey.   Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!   This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.   Oh, Barry, stop.   Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.   Do these look like rumors?   That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.   How did you get mixed up in this?   He's been talking to humans.   - What? - Talking to humans?!   He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!   Make out? Barry!   We do not.   - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on?   The bees!   I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.   Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?   I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!   Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked   your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.   I remember that.   What right do they have to our honey?   We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!   Even if it's true, what can one bee do?   Sting them where it really hurts.   In the face! The eye!   - That would hurt. - No.   Up the nose? That's a killer.   There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.   Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.   No more bee beards!   With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.   Weather with Storm Stinger.   Sports with Buzz Larvi.   And Jeanette Ohung.   - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.   A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,   intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,   packaging it and profiting from it illegally!   Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,   we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,   Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.   Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.   Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?   Bees have never been afraid to change the world.   What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?   Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.   We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.   How old are you?   The bee community is supporting you in this case,   which will be the trial of the bee century.   You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.   It's a common name. Next week...   He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...   Next week...   Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.   Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.   Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.   In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!   It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.   Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?   Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.   - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is!   I'm helping him sue the human race.   - Hello. - Hello, bee.   This is Ken.   Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.   Why does he talk again?   Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.   But it's our yogurt night!   Bye-bye.   Why is yogurt night so difficult?!   You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!   Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.   - Frosting... - How many sugars?   Just one. I try not to use the competition.   So why are you helping me?   Bees have good qualities.   And it takes my mind off the shop.   Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.   Those are great, if you're three.   And artificial flowers.   - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too.   Bent stingers, pointless pollination.   Bees must hate those fake things!   Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.   Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.   - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess.   You sure you want to go through with it?   Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able   to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!   It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,   where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,   we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.   What have we gotten into here, Barry?   It's pretty big, isn't it?   I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.   You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?   Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.   - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill.   Well, if it isn't the bee team.   You boys work on this?   All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.   All right. Oase number 4475,   Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry   is now in session.   Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?   A privilege.   Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?   I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.   Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.   Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,   my grandmother was a simple woman.   Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right   to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.   If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,   just think of what would it mean.   I would have to negotiate with the silkworm   for the elastic in my britches!   Talking bee!   How do we know this isn't some sort of   holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?   They could be using laser beams!   Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,   he could be on steroids!   Mr. Benson?   Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.   I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.   It's important to all bees. We invented it!   We make it. And we protect it with our lives.   Unfortunately, there are some people in this room   who think they can take it from us   'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,   you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have   but everything we are!   I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!   Oall your first witness.   So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.   I suppose so.   I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!   Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.   Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.   I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?   - No. - I couldn't hear you.   - No. - No.   Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,   it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.   They're very lovable creatures.   Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.   You mean like this?   Bears kill bees!   How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!   Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!   OK, that's enough. Take him away.   So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.   - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.   But you've never been a police officer, have you?   No, I haven't.   No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example   of bee culture casually stolen by a human   for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.   Oh, please.   Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?   Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.   Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!   That's not his real name?! You idiots!   Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on   your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.   Thank you. Thank you.   I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome   with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.   I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?   Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?   Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't   have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?   Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!   This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!   Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!   - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it!   Order! Order, I say!   - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!   I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.   I think the jury's on our side.   Are we doing everything right, legally?   I'm a florist.   Right. Well, here's to a great team.   To a great team!   Well, hello.   - Ken! - Hello.   I didn't think you were coming.   No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.   I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.   Oh, that was lucky.   There's a little left. I could heat it up.   Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.   So I hear you're quite a tennis player.   I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.   That's where I usually sit. Right... there.   Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,   and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.   You think I don't see what you're doing?   I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.   Do we?   Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.   That's just what I was thinking about doing.   Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.   I'm going to drain the old stinger.   Yeah, you do that.   Look at that.   You know, I've just about had it   with your little mind games.   - What's that? - Italian Vogue.   Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.   A lot of ads.   Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?   Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!   I think something stinks in here!   I love the smell of flowers.   How do you like the smell of flames?!   Not as much.   Water bug! Not taking sides!   Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!   I've got issues!   Well, well, well, a royal flush!   - You're bluffing. - Am I?   Surf's up, dude!   Poo water!   That bowl is gnarly.   Except for those dirty yellow rings!   Kenneth! What are you doing?!   You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!   We need to talk!   He's just a little bee!   And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!   Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?   No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!   Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...   My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!   Goodbye, Ken.   And for your information,   I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!   I'm sorry about all that.   I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!   I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.   I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.   Are you OK for the trial?   I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.   We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.   Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...   Yeah.   Layton, you've gotta weave some magic   with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.   Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around   is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.   - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic?   Only to losing, son. Only to losing.   Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.   What exactly is your relationship   to that woman?   We're friends.   - Good friends? - Yes.   How good? Do you live together?   Wait a minute...   Are you her little...   ...bedbug?   I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,   doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?   - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents!   - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!   Hold me back!   You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?   He's denouncing bees!   Don't y'all date your cousins?   - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy!   Adam, don't! It's what he wants!   Oh, I'm hit!!   Oh, lordy, I am hit!   Order! Order!   The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!   I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!   You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!   Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!   - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs.   What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison   from my heaving buttocks?   I will have order in this court. Order!   Order, please!   The case of the honeybees versus the human race   took a pointed turn against the bees   yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.   - Hey, buddy. - Hey.   - Is there much pain? - Yeah.   I...   I blew the whole case, didn't I?   It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.   I'd be better off dead. Look at me.   They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.   Look, there's a little celery still on it.   What was it like to sting someone?   I can't explain it. It was all...   All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!   All right.   You think it was all a trap?   Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.   What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.   What will the humans do to us if they win?   I don't know.   I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.   Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!   Oh, my.   Oould you get a nurse to close that window?   - Why? - The smoke.   Bees don't smoke.   Right. Bees don't smoke.   Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.   That's it! That's our case!   It is? It's not over?   Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.   Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.   And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.   Mr. Flayman.   Yes? Yes, Your Honor!   Where is the rest of your team?   Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.   Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,   and as a result, we don't make very good time.   I actually heard a funny story about...   Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs   taken up enough of this court's valuable time?   How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?   They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges   against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.   I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!   Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going   to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.   But you can't! We have a terrific case.   Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?   Show me the smoking gun!   Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?   Here is your smoking gun.   What is that?   It's a bee smoker!   What, this? This harmless little contraption?   This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.   Look at what has happened   to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"   Is this what nature intended for us?   To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines   and man-made wooden slat work camps?   Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?   - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card.   Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!   Free the bees! Free the bees!   Free the bees!   Free the bees! Free the bees!   The court finds in favor of the bees!   Vanessa, we won!   I knew you could do it! High-five!   Sorry.   I'm OK! You know what this means?   All the honey will finally belong to the bees.   Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.   This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.   You'll regret this.   Barry, how much honey is out there?   All right. One at a time.   Barry, who are you wearing?   My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.   - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean?   We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.   Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?   First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.   Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,   every last drop.   We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more   than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.   We're all aware of what they do in the woods.   Wait for my signal.   Take him out.   He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.   And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...   But it's just a prance-about stage name!   ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products   and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.   Oan't breathe.   Bring it in, boys!   Hold it right there! Good.   Tap it.   Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!   - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down.   Shut down honey production!   Stop making honey!   Turn your key, sir!   What do we do now?   Oannonball!   We're shutting honey production!   Mission abort.   Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.   Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.   Oh, yeah?   What's going on? Where is everybody?   - Are they out celebrating? - They're home.   They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.   I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.   At least we got our honey back.   Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?   It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.   This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.   And now...   Now I can't.   I don't understand why they're not happy.   I thought their lives would be better!   They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.   You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?   - What did you want to show me? - This.   What happened here?   That is not the half of it.   Oh, no. Oh, my.   They're all wilting.   Doesn't look very good, does it?   No.   And whose fault do you think that is?   You know, I'm gonna guess bees.   Bees?   Specifically, me.   I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.   It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.   That's our whole SAT test right there.   Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.   And then, of course...   The human species?   So if there's no more pollination,   it could all just go south here, couldn't it?   I know this is also partly my fault.   How about a suicide pact?   How do we do it?   - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice.   Right, right.   Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.   I had to open my mouth and talk.   Vanessa?   Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?   To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.   They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.   It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.   Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.   I know. Me neither.   Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.   Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?   Roses!   Vanessa!   Roses?!   Barry?   - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are.   Flowers, bees, pollen!   I know. That's why this is the last parade.   Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?   Oould you slow down?   Barry!   OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.   Yes, it kind of is.   I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you   with the flower shop. I've made it worse.   Actually, it's completely closed down.   I thought maybe you were remodeling.   But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.   I don't want to hear it!   All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.   I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.   All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.   - Bees. - Park.   - Pollen! - Flowers.   - Repollination! - Across the nation!   Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.   They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.   Security will be tight.   I have an idea.   Vanessa Bloome, FTD.   Official floral business. It's real.   Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.   Thank you. It was a gift.   Once inside, we just pick the right float.   How about The Princess and the Pea?   I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!   Yes, I got it.   - Where should I sit? - What are you?   - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea?   It goes under the mattresses.   - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal.   You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!   Let's see what this baby'll do.   Hey, what are you doing?!   Then all we do is blend in with traffic...   ...without arousing suspicion.   Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.   Stop! Security.   - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes.   Has it been in your possession the entire time?   Would you remove your shoes?   - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me.   I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.   Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.   Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!   I think this is gonna work.   It's got to work.   Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.   We have a bit of bad weather in New York.   It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.   Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.   I gotta get up there and talk to them.   Be careful.   Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?   I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.   Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.   - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing.   Bee!   Don't freak out! My entire species...   What are you doing?   - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?   Don't move.   Oh, Barry.   Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.   Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?   And please hurry!   What happened here?   There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.   One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!   - Is that another bee joke? - No!   No one's flying the plane!   This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?   This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.   Where's the pilot?   He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.   Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?   As a matter of fact, there is.   - Who's that? - Barry Benson.   From the honey trial?! Oh, great.   Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.   It's got giant wings, huge engines.   I can't fly a plane.   - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes.   How hard could it be?   Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.   This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,   where a suspenseful scene is developing.   Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...   That's Barry!   ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers   and an incapacitated flight crew.   Flowers?!   We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls   with absolutely no flight experience.   Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.   I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.   They've done enough damage.   But isn't he your only hope?   Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.   Their wings are too small...   Haven't we heard this a million times?   "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."   - Get this on the air! - Got it.   - Stand by. - We're going live.   The way we work may be a mystery to you.   Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.   But let me tell you about a small job.   If you do it well, it makes a big difference.   More than we realized. To us, to everyone.   That's why I want to get bees back to working together.   That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.   We get behind a fellow.   - Black and yellow! - Hello!   Left, right, down, hover.   - Hover? - Forget hover.   This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!   Barry, what happened?!   Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.   - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not!   So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.   All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!   Move out!   Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!   Don't have to yell.   I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.   It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!   It's not a tone. I'm panicking!   I can't do this!   Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!   You snap out of it.   You snap out of it.   - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!   - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!   - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!   - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.   How is the plane flying?   I don't know.   Hello?   Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?   The Pollen Jocks!   They do get behind a fellow.   - Black and yellow. - Hello.   All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.   Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?   No, nothing. It's all cloudy.   Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.   - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.   Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!   Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.   - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.   Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.   Bring the nose down.   Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!   - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that!   Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!   - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK.   Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?   Affirmative!   Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.   Land on that flower!   Ready? Full reverse!   Spin it around!   - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one?   - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower!   That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower   made of millions of bees!   Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.   Rotate around it.   - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly.   Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?   Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!   Just drop it. Be a part of it.   Aim for the center!   Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!   Oome on, already.   Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!   - Yes. No high-five! - Right.   Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?   What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!   - Thank you. - But we're not done yet.   Listen, everyone!   This runway is covered with the last pollen   from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.   That means this is our last chance.   We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.   If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?   Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?   We're bees!   Keychain!   Then follow me! Except Keychain.   Hold on, Barry. Here.   You've earned this.   Yeah!   I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.   Oh, yeah.   That's our Barry.   Mom! The bees are back!   If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.   I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!   Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?   Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.   Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!   Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!   I had no idea.   Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?   Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.   Sorry I'm late.   He's a lawyer too?   I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.   Have a great afternoon!   Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.   No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.   You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?   All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.   Thank you, Barry!   That bee is living my life!   Let it go, Kenny.   - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go.   - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is.   Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.   You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.   - Thinking bee! - Me?   Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.   I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?   I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!   All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.   I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

tumblr

wont use it often but why not

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

Batman Fan Art by Marc Silverstri, Phil Pochrzast Follow The Best Comics Artwork Blog on Tumblr

[randomelephantnoises-blog]

Freckles spawn in 3…2…1…