ravingmadmanjourney

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Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 258

I don't really know how strong of a Christian I am in my daily walk through life. Can other people see the love of Jesus through me? Some stray thoughts that flow through my mind. I would like to believe it. But sometimes I find myself wondering if they can. I am not perfect. Some days, some years when my depression and anxiety dominated me do I still show my faithfulness in helping others?

As I begin writing this I am at my church waiting for the service to begin. I usually arrive at least 45 minutes early to clear my mind and sometimes to just walk to tire myself out. I tend to get restless easily and just want to move around during the service. That walking around period helps me to sit still for the service. Sometimes, like now, I begin writing my Ravings of a Madman, A Journey blog. I find the peacefulness here calming in its own way. Yes, I am happy I started attending church again ten months ago. But going to church alone does not make me a good Christian! No that only lights an ember.

My light shines out in other, more important ways. It shines on the way I carry myself. It shines in the way I talk. It shines in the way I carry myself in good times and bad times. My light, the light Jesus gives me, should shine every second of my life. But does it? I know God loves me no matter what I do. But shouldn't I love Him back with the same passion. That is impossible. I doubt if I would give up my life for my enemies or for people who treat me with derrision. But do I put forth my best efforts to share the light of God?

I make it no secret that I suffer from depression and anxiety, the twins of evil that constantly attempt to rob me of all the joys of my life. It the way that God made me.It is hard sometimes to put a smile on my face and mean it! And that really is not hard. I am not comfortable joining in with other people. A lot of times when I was young, I was cruelly teased. Was it bullying? It doesn't matter if they meant it to be or not. To me it was bullying! I thought who needed them. So why should I do anything for them. Easy, God expects me to! Just try to help people who you might be mad at or work with them to help a mutual friend!

That actually happened to me! It happened at the beginning of my first extended period of depression. I admit it was my fault for believing this other person that shared a house with us. We, the other three secretly nicknamed him "The Troll". Trust me that is an insult to trollkind! Ordinarily I thought he was definitely not to be trusted or believed. But then, living away from my family and sharing a house with people I didn't know started that crisis. I also experienced mysterious symptoms that frankly scared me. So the troll as smooth as the devil started making up crap to drive that wedge between my friend and me. And in my confusion, I believed him! Oh, we did kick the troll out, but the confusion and depression that he helped to start caused a crisis between me and my best friend.

We still lived in the house together until its owner decided to sell it. A mutual friend came by and helped us with the packing. Both of us, my former friend and I, temporarily put aside our differences to help our mutual friend instantly when we learned that she needed help in a personal matter. In another situation, a mutual friend of ours wanted us as groomsmen in his wedding. He knew of our disagreement and asked both of us if we could co-exist. We pulled together then easily.

We drifted apart then for some time, and then we set aside our differences and renew our friendship. I'm certain that God put us back together now as I reflect back on this. My memory faded a bit here. My mental illness messed with my sense of time, so I really am not sure what eventually drew us together again. The birth of his son? Another wedding of a follow horseman? Or was it a funeral of a follow horseman a mom? Or was it something else? Whatever happened to unite us again ultimately worked to help save my life.

When my liver went haywire, and I found out I needed a transplant, my friend became one of the strongest forces to keep me going! I firmly believe that Is the reason God brought us together again. He knew that my friend and his girlfriend, and when they split his wife possessed what I needed to see me through that dark time. As it turned out, the three of us were going through separate problems at the same time. We helped each other to find the correct path.

When I write these, I just allow my thoughts flow. Looking back on what I just wrote, maybe my light does shine in ways I don't know.

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 257

So long, 2019. You were great for me! Last year, when the year changed, I greatly dreaded your arrival. After all, the last couple of years before you arrived didn't do me any favors! Why would I believe you would be any different? Another year promising bright and shining days all year? Yeah, right. I heard that one before. Do I sound jaded to you? Believe me, I possessed nothing but disappointments from those years before you arrived. I just survived. No more no less.

But something happened, something unexpected. A new wind came blowing. The winds of change arrived, unlooked for! I wonder. Don't get me wrong. I needed that wind to resurrect what little life remained in me. Helpless,but surprisingly not hopeless. A tiny ember of hope survived throughout those dark years. Held safe and hidden in a safe place protected by Jesus! It waited patiently until the winds of change stoked that ember into a raging light of Hope and new strength. How could I refuse to move toward it? But I did try to ignore its call in my soul! Why? I felt safe hidden in that darkness. The prospect of change scared me. IT STILL DOES!

I could have refused that siren call to travel to that light. But those dancing flames fascinated me. Colors I never saw before finally lured me into moving. I sensed it was Jesus. Hellfire feels entirely different. I should know that! Why would Jesus still love me? Even after blaming Him for everything that went wrong in my life, He still called out to me. Why? I know now that Jesus shield me throughout those awful years! He shielded me on His hands! Why? Who I am to deserve Jesus's love, kindness, and mercy? Perhaps that got me moving. . . curiosity. It was not easy.

I used every bit of my strength but to move a millimeter in that first step towards that light. Then after a bit rest that seemed like eternity, I took another step. I felt something reaching out, grabbing me trying to stop me or even pull me further backwards. And I fell down to my hands and knees. But I feel forward! Then I started crawling again, ever onward towards that light. Oh, I still felt those hideous hands trying to stop me. But then that fire grew brighter forcing that grip to loosen, and finally to let me go! I don't understand even to this day. WHO AM I TO HAVE BOTH JESUS AND THE DEVIL FIGHT FOR MY POSSESSION?

It has not been easy. . . that forward movement. God,I wanted to stop, to go back to what I once believed to be the safety of darkness. I even turned back towards it a couple of times. But I could not start back to it. I finally saw the lies, the deception, the pure evil that darkness hid! I turned towards the light again. I don't see my own worth. But somehow Jesus believed I was worthy! And I gained growing, feeling that belief in myself, of myself whispering I am somebody! I have a great work for God to do! I am not sure I believe that. But somehow new strength fills me with every step. And my vision clears enough for me to sense a great mystery ahead of me. My task that God wants me to do?

I am still far away. The ember is now a star in the night urging me ahead. I made progress, but the scabs are still new. The healing began. My soul, damaged by the devil's lies and deception still hurts.

So 2019, THANK YOU!

[ravingmadmanjourney]

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Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 256

I did something this morning that I thought I would never do again in my life. I joined the church I have faithfully been attending since March. By name, First Baptist Church in Downtown Evansville, In. Weird. I am sure my feelings about organized religion is clear. I am a Christian first. Period. End of discussion. But after attending there for me months, I joined.

There is no ill feelings for the Church I got saved in, Howell Baptist Church of the first church I attended, St. Paul's Lutheran Church. It just didn't feel like a good fit for me. Saint Paul's was catty corner from where I lived. My siblings attended school there,but since I needed speech therapy, I needed public school. I felt that the private schools did a better job of teaching back in the 1960's and 1970's. Less students and tougher standards seemed to be a better choice. But, they did not offer speech therapy. The church introduced my to the notion of three God's in one. And at the age 13, one would go through confirmation classes to join the church. One studied the Bible and learned the meanings of why the Bible is important. I wasn't confirmed. I felt somehow that I didn't fit in. But I did feel taking those confirmation classes where important. The Bible is the basis for Christianity.

So, I drifted for a few years. I am not a strengent person. I wanted to attend a church that was less formal, more caring. My aunt, May Ann Deffendall, invited me to attend Howell General Baptist Church. This was far different than what I experienced in my old church. They preached that a person needed to have a personal relationship with Jesus. One needed to be born again. And my heart responded. At first, I felt good attending there. I am not really sure of what caused that sense that I needed to church for another church. I have written before of my reasons why I stayed there for over twenty years. God, I never realized that was how long I attended.

But I will say why I decided to stop going there. During my years there, three different oastors served there. The first pastor retired, and the church decided on a very knowledgeable person for the new pastor. I liked him. He was a great preacher, but he didn't align with the beliefs of Howell Baptist Church! If I could find one fault with this church was it was very cliquish, a true neighborhood type church who wanted to remain "pure". So after a little more than a year and a half the second pastor resigned. The church choose a person brought up in that church to become the third pastor. He spent years as a Sunday School teacher and the leader of the youth group. He was a true man of God and probably the right person to lead the church forward. But he was not a perfect fit for me. That church was no longer a fit for me. I was an outsider, and my attempts to help in the church programs were doomed to failure. But I was Saved there. I was Baptised there. I became a member there. I held on to that membership until this morning. I grew at Howell General Baptist Church, but it no longer felt like a fit for me. So when I experienced that liver problem, I simply quit going to any church church for a long time.

Perhaps, it would have been easier, those years after my transplant on me. But no. I blamed God for the way things turned out. I was an exile in a strange city. I did what I knew to be my best option for my life, but I still wanted to know why me! I never received any answers. My soul, my spirit never felt at home on Indianapolis. But still I felt that something was missing. . . Church. I attempted to find a place to worship a couple of times. I attended this non-denominational one for a couple of months. I felt this need to attend church somewhere. So I settled on attending this one across the street from where I lived. It did not feel right to me. But it did settle this sense of a wondering soul I experienced. At least, it was something.

When I got back to Evansville, my mom died. I found out that my old church no longer ran a bus on Sunday. Truthfully, I rejoiced over that bit of news. I felt bitter. To God, to my life, and pretty will everything else I felt bitterness towards. How could God take my mom away from me? But this church up the street took people who lived in my building faithfully every Saturday morning. Still I adimentally refused to have anything to do with it! I found other ways to get my groceries. Time heals wounds, any God waits patiently for the prodical son to come home. I needed something from the grocery store, and they were the only way. I started riding their van on some Saturdays. Then I met the pastor who drove one Saturday, and I was impressed. I started attending First Baptist a couple of times. That was about two and a half years or so ago. Then with the need for yet another hernia operation,my world collapsed.

Yes, I continued to ride their van to the store as needed. But I felt no desire to do anything except to wallow in self-pity. I wrote about this period before, and I do not wish to relive it. My soul, restless as ever, wanted to learn about God, Jesus, that whole religious thing! And eventually, I found my way back to First Baptist. My soul craved nourishment. My spirit craved healing. And they knew where to go. Nine months now? Seems like yesterday. I instantly like my soul found a home. Today, I officially became a member, but it felt like home at most since that first time.

I would like to think I found my place. I am welcomed there with open arms. I feel as snug as a bug in a rug. My soul is at rest. I belong. But only God knows the whole voyage. For now, my soul is home.

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 255

Sorry about that last blog. I knew that I really should never post when sick. Oh, well. It is just there is something inside of me that wants to write. Most of the time I wonder why I even bother! Facebook, in all of its original intensions meant well. Let's create this place on the web to encourage people to stay in touch with old friends and find new ones. After some time, their creature became a monster. Or was it their own greed that caused the change. Facebook fails in keeping up with its intensions. Why do any a microscopic amount of friends see each other posts? I write because it makes me feel better. No matter how down or depressed I get, I still feel a lot of concern about the state of the world. God gifted me with this ability to write. God gifted me with this ability to write honestly about what I experience in life in another's person eye.

Everything is a joke! Nothing changes. I am standing on top of my soapbox preaching the good news of Hope and love. No matter just inhow bad I feel inside, I still desire to help other people. I sense that no one takes me seriously. But consider this, each one of us possess some kind of gift inside of us. We are not given an instruction manual on how to use it or even told what it is! But we know that it is there. Some spend a whole life in search of that something that makes them unique. I am still looking, desperately seeking on that way to use what I have in my heart. And then after I manage to write, hardly anybody sees it. This Ravings of a Madman, A Journey site has something like 325 likes, but the last couple of entries averages about 12 of those seeing it at best.

Facebook welcomes all. But they have not delivered on the promise of keeping in touch with each other. Am I really good at what I do? Self doubt plagues me. I can keep track of how well any post on my special pages perform, things like how many people they reach, how many people likes my posts. I plot and plan on ways to improve this task I set for myself. I open up my heart and share the pain and madness that dwells inside. I write about things that hurt me to revisit in an attempt to encourage people. To put it bluntly, if God loves and helps a total fuck up like me, He will also help you. Yes, I suppose these writings tend to be on the down side. I promise myself when I started writing this feature to present myself as honestly as possible. Life sucks for me a great deal of the time. But in those startling moments of brilliant sunshine, I am grateful to be alive, grateful that Jesus still loves me.

I am me. . . Paul Vernon Deffendall. I am a survivor! So I write. So I seek ways to encourage others. My other pages. . . I realized the other day that only three of them form the basis of what I need to do. This blog, Light of the world, and The Madman's Night, Soul's Rest forms the foundation. The other pages overlap and support these. But I wonder. This is important! I am not taking any pleasure in the amount of time it takes to find or write my posts. Let me know if this effort is worth it. Let me know if it moves you. Good or bad! If you want to keep on seeing my posts, love me then, interact with them. Otherwise they might just fade away into nothingness. Also I will greatly appreciate it if you will share my posts. Inform your friends and family of my pages.

[ravingmadmanjourney]

So just saw this religious thing on Facebook called the truth about Suicide! That a person can download! Really? I have read the Bible many times. And can't recall ever seeing anything about Suicide! At least not by name. DO NOT SHAME PEOPLE WHO CONSIDER SUICIDE OR ACTUALLY TRIES OR DOES IT! TALK. LISTEN TO THEM, BUT DO NOT JUDGE THEM! THE ACT OF JUDGING SOULS IS FOR GOD ALONE, AND IT JUST MAY PUSH A PERSON OVER THE EDGE!

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Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 254

Someone remarked to me the other day that these blogs tend to be sad. I really couldn't. Most times I just let the words come. Why not? I don't plan it that way. It just happens. I never was popular at in time of my life. I did my best to get along with everybody but nobody really seemed to care to associate with me. That's life! But I do carry fond memories with me. I sometimes wonder what if. But they do nothing in the end but get me depressed.

I'm a loner. Oh, I possessed the occasional friends growing up. Who didn't? But they pass into the endless night that surrounds me. Occasional greetings and unexpectant meeting surprised me daily. They all still recognize me. Haven't I changed? I think I did a lot. But still I am pleased that somebody remembers me, that I left an impression on me. Most times I just feel like a ghost. I can see them but they can't seemed. What is that all about? And those few friends that I managed to gather? They are only with me first season.

Sorry, this is turning out to be a real downer. I haven't felt good for a couple of days. I hate getting sick, especially at this time of year. It has been a struggle for me lately. Christmas is not the time to live alone. And now it has been raining for the past couple of days. I am lonely.. I wonder why I am forgotten by my family. Cousins and such. I have me, myself, and I! Enjoy yourself.

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 253

I had no wish of turning this into a political forum. But I got tired of this endless debate and shinanigans of either political parties. I know some people will find this hard to believe, but the political party you belong to does not get you to heaven. Trump is not God or Jesus! Frankly, I am whole heartedly sick of this mess!

So, by now the reader should guess this is the continuation of what I wrote yesterday. I am not defined by what political party I belong to. Frankly, that doesn't mean anything to God or to me. I post stuff on my page items I feel is important. Light of the world is my effort to improve this world and rather or not I specifically earmark a post, it is part of that effort. I do not post things on a political basis, but I post according to my understanding of morality. I also post stuff to brighten someone's day, to get a laugh, even if it shows me in a dim light. I am human. I make mistakes. I can laugh at myself! So if anybody think otherwise, unfriend me and realize not everything is political.

So just what started me on this? Two days ago I posted something on my wall. I am including it with this post. In it it shows some female, I had no idea of who it was supposed to be, between two blackboards. The one on her right says NO BULLYING, but the one on her left lists countless exceptions to no bullying. I posted it because it is morally wrong to bully ANYBODY FOR ANY REASON. Well, this person who I wrote about yesterday thinking I would be pleased that Trump is getting impeached attack me once again so attacking Trump! WHAT THE FUCK! Excuse me, my wall my post! I repeat, I had no idea of who this person was suppose to be! I replied to her comment saying, "Oh is that who that is supposed to be. I posted it because I was bullied when I was younger! I believe no one should be bullied period.

Not everything is political. Not everything is Democrats versus Republicans! Being a member of any political party will not save mine or anybody's soul! If you see the world only in terms of your political beliefs, then get the hell out of my life! I am deadly serious. I am more concerned with how people treat each other. So, I admit, I waited to see what kind of response, if any, I would get to my reply. Sure enough, she wrote back with a half hearted apology and continued turning it into a Democrats versus Republican issue. Funny, never once when the Republicans attacked President Obama did she say anything against that treatment of a sitting President! Why was it right to do then, but wrong to do it against Trump? Was is okay just because Obama was black and Trump is white?

God, Jesus, Allah, Odin, or any other God does not judge anybody based on their skin color! If God does not, what makes a person believe they should?

Getting back on track now, I seem to wander off on a tangent there. Bullying is wrong, plain and simple. There are no conditions that will ever make bullying right in any circumstances. If I see anything against bullying, I will post it.

I am more concerned with what is in a person's heart and soul, than what political party they belong to, what religion they practice.

[ravingmadmanjourney]

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Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 252

I don't know what is up in the world anymore. A person could sneeze, and instantly a group of people will instantly start arguing about what caused he sneeze. Was it politically motivated? Is he coming down with a deadly disease that will destroy mankind? Was it caused by him not getting enough to eat? Yes, I know this example is totally stupid. But is it really? Lately, I became aware that one of my Facebook friends seems to be going totally wacko when it comes to Trump!

Listen! I hate Trump with every fiber of my being because he is basically a self serving creep who had no love for America, or for the common man and none for women at all. I have thought this about him for at least thirty years or more. Yet he became president! How? By starting smear campaigns against anyone standing against him. Trust me, I have excellent reasons for my utter disdain and hatred for him. I would love to go in detail over it, but that is not what I am writing about! No, not this time.

Impeachment! Isn't it funny that from the birth of the nation to the early nineteen seventies, only one President face impeachment. Andrew Johnson is a purely political move was impeached. Why? He was for welcoming the Southern rebel states back without any sort of punishment. In my mind that is hardly a treasonous offence. It was mercy. So we get to Nixon, Clinton, and now Trump in forty seven years undergoing impeachment proceedings. AND IN ALL THREE CASES, I FEEL THAT THIS IS WRONG AND TOTALLY POLITICALLY CIRCUS MOTIVATED.

Listen, Nixon did not order the Watergate break-in. Once he found out that his main people ordered it, he erred by not coming clean about it and trying for a cover-up. Nixon decided to resign as President to spare the country from any more stupidity! Admit it! That trial was a circus! Then we come to Clinton. He lied to Congress! Oh no! Impeach him! Really? For What? He engaged in an ugly assed page, a little prettier than his wife, and denied it. Since when is that an action that warrants impeachment? Once again, it was totally politically motivated and hippocritical. And like the case with Nixon,I refused to watch that media circus.

I wrote all of that to say this. Even though I believe Trump is guilty of what he is accused of, I DO NOT BELIEVE HE SHOULD BE IMPEACHED! All this latest circus is doing is proving just how childish Congress has become. This is the year of the Presidential election! All this trial is doing is spending millions of dollars the country does not have to spare, diverting the public's attention for more important issues, and ensuring Trump wins the next election. How? People will start feeling like this whole mess is a political witch Hunt and vote to keep him. Also ,let the people decide in November! Why spend money on this media circus upsetting the public when the people possess the legal power to decide to remove him with the election.

Now we come to this Facebook friend of mine. I don't tune into the news because no matter what channel, the news is skewed to their opinion. I knew Congress was considering action on impeachment, but quite frankly, I thought the whole thing would blow over. So when my friend sent me a message saying that I won, I had no clue what she was talking about! Reading further informed me it was so etching dealing with Congress and the President. This friend knew I hated Trump with an unholy passion, so she assumed I would be overjoyed with this news. I got pissed! I recognized all of the problems this circus will stir up! Also, this close to the Presidential election, why waste the money!

TO BE CONTINUED

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 251

I'mChristmas is approaching! To me, Christmas lives in my heart throughout the year! Why not? At no other time of the year does magic, kindness, love, well, the whole positive spectrum of creation strives! Yes. I know. This time of the year also causes heartaches and feelings of great loneliness. For years, I felt a strange emptiness deep inside of my own heart, like somehow I wasn't connected to some essential force.

The holiday blues. . . While everybody seemed to always have friends and family in for the holiday, I sit alone in my apartment. The Christmas after my mom died, I didn't really celebrate! Why should I? The main force that fought for me left me all alone. A forgotten soul longing for her smile. My only solace that year was the certain knowledge that she was celebrating with Jesus that year. But, even though I knew she was in and a better place and that it was simply her time to go, I still felt she willingly deserted me that year. One does think ridiculous thoughts in grief.

But truthfully I don't think that really caused my disenchantment with Christmas. It just simply built up. All those years of living alone. My choice of never marrying or having children. . . What do I really have to look forward to? I remember as children me and my cousins got together, with our families, each Christmas. Mom made her world famous carrot pudding for the Christmas feast. Good memories. And if it was warm enough, us kids drifted outside to the playground. Golden moments that I never cherished at the time. Now I look through a mirror darkly fighting to bring it back.

But mostly, I miss being involved in those Christmas programs. Back in the nineteen sixties when I was young it was still called Christmas break and a Christmas pageant at school. I remember once, must have been around nineteen seventy two, this one boy was chosen to be Santa Clause and this girl he was sweet on was picked to be Mrs. Clause. She is dead now, long ago. But I got to sing in the programs! True, I am a horrible singer but that never seemed to matter back then. I sang in both the school's and my Church's programs! I never realized just how precious those days were to me.

But this year, oh yes this year, I revisited that memory. No, I did not sing! But my church puts on a Living Nativity each year. This is the first year in I don't know how long that I actually wanted to do something special for Christmas! I heard they needed volunteers to be in the Nativity, and after careful thought, I signed up. I wanted to be a shepherd. Well, it is a nice role where one blend in the background. Well. When I went to sign up for it, I noticed that nobody signed up for one of the king's. I am in my fifties, and I do have a nice heard. Why not be a wise man? It was last weekend. I enjoyed it. Now, on the first night a cold winter's wing blew the whole time. But somehow I never felt all that cold until after it was over.

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 250

Who am I? Even after fifty-eight and a half years, I really don't have any answers to that question. A couple of times I believed I knew, but time changes us, doesn't it? What started me thinking about this? Should I care about it? About what others believe me to be? And how would others know the answer if I don't know it myself? Questions floating on the winds of time only to be left as mysteries.

A couple of weeks ago, this person who I didn't know, or at least I think I didn't know to say this about me-- "I know exactly who he is!" At the time that really didn't bother me. And it didn't really bother me about the almost totally disdain in her voice as she said it. I just shrugged it off. But that question started haunting me last week. Just who am I? Does anyone but God ever know just who we are? My mind swirls around questing for answers that will never be found by me.

Another question that is akin to this also follows me. Will I be remembered after I die, and just how will I be remembered? I try to live my life as I believe God wants me to live. Yes, I know it is just vanity speaking, but I want to be remembered as a person who did his best. Maybe I want to go out in a blaze of glory! Some years ago, I came across this web site where your name can be included in the payload of the Parker Solar Probe! Its mission is to get extremely close to the sun, and then whip around it and out into space. Talk about going out in a blaze of glory if it fails to escape the sun's gravitational force. Talk about immortality if it does escape. My name forever traveling in space! But even as I write this, I realize that this is empty fame, not really having any meaning at all. It is just a pale attempt at glory.

Just who am I? Why do I think it matters what other people think I am? In the end, does it really matter? If God knows who we are, does anybody else's opinion really matter? I don't mean to sound flippant. Of course, I care about what other people think about me! Who doesn't? But sometimes I think that I lose myself in the pursuit of being who people think I am. Strange. I get pulled in so many different ways by what they think I am that I lose all traces of myself. And I am not alone in this madness. When I was younger I wanted to be loved by everyone in the world! I wanted to be accepted for the unique person God made me to be in life. But if I did not know who I was, if I did not even accept myself, how could anybody else? anyone to?

My head hurts as I think about who I am! Truthfully, I really don't know for sure. This bothers me! WHO AM I GOD? I know what I hope I am in life. Strange,my definition of my being changes every day. I know my name, my age, my weight, my birthday! But does these facts tell any real details about me? My name really doesn't matter. My soul, known only to Jesus matters.

I like to think I am somebody, that I will willingly lay down my life for a friend! But will I be so willing to lay down my life for a stranger, an enemy? We all carry ideas about who we are, but there are secrets laying in the darkest part of our souls. I know this to be true for me. I paint my actions and deeds in the brightest colors! But is this true to reality.

Who am I?

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 249.

Light of the world-- why would someone who already have six pages besides his wall ever want to start another one? Yes, I've asked that question many times since the idea for LIGHT OF THE WORLD first appeared in my soul. Why? I wish I could answer it. Frankly, I know that in the end I really did not have any choice but to start it. What do I mean? If a person reads enough of these Ravings of a Madman, A Journey should be able to answer that! From day one of my life, I received more blessings than I can possibly payback. Most of the time, I really don't know the identity of the donor so I could get the help I needed to survive my early years. I was able to go to the Shrine circus, receive the care I needed until my Cerebral Palsy was declared to be in remission, able to get those special shoes I needed to straighten out my feet and legs, and finally to attend Camp Koch. All of this provided by programs and peoples unknown. This taught me the importance of helping others out and the importance of love!

Loved! I felt that everybody should be treated the same no matter who they are or what they lived like. I attended Sunday School at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Evansville, In. Why not? It was catty corner from my house. My mom felt it was important to learn about God's love. Through going there in my outbox, I discovered that God wanted us to love and help each other out. That has never changed since Jesus preached those words no matter what people think! If you go around hating people and refusing to help people out, then I kindly suggest you read your Bible and think on what it is telling us!

I am a Christian! I chose to attend a Baptist Church that is just a few blocks away from where I live. I got saved in a General Baptist Church, went to a Southern Baptist Church, and the church I attend now is an American Baptist Church. Know this, I do not identity myself by any denomination! I AM A CHRISTIAN WHO FOLLOW THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS CHRIST TO THE BEST OF MY UNDERSTANDING! The man commandments, the two important commandments taught by Jesus are love God with all your heart, all your soul and love one another as you love yourself!

All this hatred in the world physically and mentally hurts me! Just what is going on? We live in a "godly" nation! So why is there so much hatred and discrimination going on in this country? Why do others look down on somebody who lives according to how the Bible teaches? We live in a me first society instead of the others first the Bible teaches! I have helped strangers out by occasionally given them spare change. For doing so, I have been called a tool, told that the person only wants the money to get drunk or something. Well that is between God and them. I am obeying God by helping them. God will judge me if I did nothing. Understand?

Hate! I can not get away from it. It plagues the internet and the various Social Media sites! The news media glorifies this culture of hatred and divisionist teaching. Even most churches practice it in one form or another! The members of the church I got saved in and attended for some twenty years looked down on anybody who rode the church bus to get there, including me! What a joke! We'll introduce you to God and treat you like the third class scumbags you are! Double standards abound there! And I kept on attending because I knew they did not want me there those last few years before my liver acted up! This caused my mental problems to really go haywire.

I never lost my faith is the goodness in mankind or God no matter how far I sank down into my personal hell located deep inside my being! I blamed God for a lot of my problems, bult understanding slowly sank in my soul that people twists God's teachings to meet their needs! Once I understood that, my recovery started. Well, my out of control plunging into madness stopped.

I started reaching out. I started wondering why I wasn't doing something to brighten the world. I loved reading the comics in the newspaper, so I decided that I will start a feature of comics that I found on the internet. At first I posted right or nine. Then as I started getting positive feedback on these posts, I started doing forty a day until I finally stopped it because it took up every bit of time I had available. Then,this blog was born a short time later. But still I felt that I needed to start something else to brighten someone's life. One by one I started the other pages to answer parts of what I believed I needed to do. The pages besides my walking order or creation are:

Memorial page for Eileen Schnieder which later became The Madman's Night, Soul's Rest.

The River

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey

The Madman's River, Reflections of Life

The Madman's Garden, Inspiration Point

The Madman's Joy, Christmas

But then I felt the need to create my seventh page. This one I am going all out in showing that there is still light in this world! That is why I didn't put my alter ego of the Madman in the title! This one stands alone. I am posting stories of people making a difference in the world. Too many times these little signs of hope and love are overlooked by society. No more. I am spending a couple of hours a day to search these stories out. To the best of my knowledge the stories I post are true. And since I am a Christian, I am posting pictures of Jesus Christ the light of the world! Remember, I am not endorsing any religion, and I will be happy to post pictures of Mohammed. I am a Christian, but who am I to judge that any other religion is not valid! Could it be that these different religions worship the same God? I man look, Baptist are subdivided into at least four separate denominations because of slight differences in what they believe.

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Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 248

LIGHT OF THE WORLD

I don't understand. Why is there so much hate in the world? I am struggling as I write this to find the words to give voice to my Ravings today. This laid waiting for the right moment to reveal itself. Or did I create the need myself? I don't know. In a lot of cases when I write I just open myself up and allow my words to flow. But this time. . .

I consider this time of the year, from Thanksgiving to New Years Day, to be one of the holiest times of the year. It feels right somehow to thank God for what he did for us. He sent Jesus. I am not the smartest person in the world. And for once, I am not certain that I am able to write what I feel needs to be said here. I am not even certain things will make sense. This month or so period should be a time of great love and sharing and helping and showing that a person is Christian, or Jewish, or Islamic, or any other religion. From what I can tell, their God is the same as my God. A God of love.

Maybe I am an old fashioned fool. I believe in the basic goodness in everybody I meet. I believe it is my duty to help people out if they are going through hard times. Everybody experiences hard times in their life. We learn from those. Admittedly, I can't help everyone. Also I know there are people who takes advantage of someone's kindness. So what? Since I am not the judge of the world, who am I to deny anybody help, even if someone tells me that they are faking their need? I know one thing for sure-- Jesus expects us to help each other with no conditional clauses attached. Let that sink in! If a person abuses someone's trust, that is between them and God. If I refuse to help someone in need and I am able to, then that is between me and God. Unless I know for certain, I am going to help.

I am worried. Everyday it seems that I hear more examples of people showing hatred. Facebook reeks of it. Why? Why is hatred the in-thing? We live in America, a Godly nation. But it seems that I never hear about the good things people do for each other. I hear everyday people putting down other races, other sexes, other religions, other political parties. Why? Is that what we learn by living in a Christian nation? Is that what Jesus want? No.

I can spend hours about writing about how we must be a great disappointment to God. I can spend hours writing about how we should behave. But if that is the only thing I do and not attempt to make the world a better place, then I am part of the problem! I believe in not bragging about my actions to help people out. To me there is a fine line between doing something for God's glory and doing something to feed my ego. For that reason, I am not planning on giving any specifics. That is between me and God. But I do my best to help others.

I am a writer. That is a gift God gave me. I write to make the world a better place. But everyday I feel I need to do more. This world is a very cold and frightening place for a lot of people. It seems the baser pursuits of mankind is more celebrated today. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I know that there is still good is this world. But what can I do? I am not physically able to do a lot of things. I am just a writer.

I will tell you what I am doing. I AM A WRITER! A part of a writer's job is to do research into the things he writes about. Everyday, I come across things that inspire me. I come across things that gives me hope for the morrow. So why am I not sharing those stories to brighten someone's day? When am I hugging these stories that gives me reason to go on? I started a new page today. I hope to showcase these stories I find there. I will also post them to my wall. I hope that these stories and thoughts will I spite other people like it does me. And the name of this feature is

LIGHT OF THE WORLD

[ravingmadmanjourney]

[ravingmadmanjourney]

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 247

I was not planning on writing tonight, but there is something on my mind that begs to be written. I don't really mind. I need to get my mind rolling on more pleasant thoughts. Well, more pleasant than last night's little bout of depression. I did expect it. I still grieve over the loss of my mom, and sometimes the holidays brings it in stronger than normal. But there is something about this time of year that calls to my soul, reminding me that I can make a difference even when I am myself lost.

I have not really attended funerals since my mom died, except for last spring. I'll get to that later. I just could not face those memories. At my mom's funeral, I seemed to be along for the ride while something else controlled my body. It felt like my soul was wrapped inside of this protective blanket during those two days. My body just seemed to run on automatic coasting through the visitation. I went around thanking people for coming and making small talk. And at the funeral I did not shed any tears thinking that my mom was at peace and would not want me to breakdown in a fit of bawling. I survived.

But I just could not bring myself to attend any funerals or go to any visitations for a long time. The death of my cousin's husband bought me back to a funeral home. I really liked this person. I felt that it was my duty to at least go to his visitation. Some people think that I have a calming effect in things like this. Maybe I do. But I knew in my heart that I needed to be there. I did not stay that long, maybe half an hour, but my cousin was happy that I came. I apologized for not being able to attend the funeral. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And then things turned black for me as I sank into a very deep depression that came close to claiming my life.

Isn't it strange that another death started me on the road out of that horrible time of life? The death of Donna's mom Sally. I wrote about that earlier. I knew that I absolutely needed to be there for the visitation. Luckily, I managed to keep a good outfit. On any other occasion I would feel that I looked good enough. But not this one, and not just because of my clothes. I could not feel that I looked good while my mind wanted death. In a way, attending that visitation saved my life. It caused my to take a long look at myself. Amazingly, I discovered that I was worth something after all!

Maybe a month and a half later, my uncle Walt died.Again that feeling that my life depended on me going to the visitation descended on me. But it was for a different reason. This time my soul got restored. My cousin Annette needed me there. And for reason of compassion I went! First she lost her brother Steven in an accident. Yes, that Steven who I wrote about countless times before. Then her mother Eileen died of Alzheimer's a coup!e of years ago,

and now her dad. That's her whole family that she grew up with. How could I stay home? Once again, I could not bring myself to attend the funeral.

And then one of my best friend's father passed away a month or so later. It was either attend the funeral or just not go. By this time, I bought some new clothes and went to that funeral to support that friend. I am old school. I show respect by the way I dressed. I also believe in supporting my friends in their hour of need to the best of my abilities. It was not easy. But my friend and his father stood by my in my hour of need. I could do no less for them than attending the funeral since there was no visitation.

I did miss the next funeral. It was out of town. And I couldn't find a way there. But I did express my condolences. But even though she thanked me for writing to her on Facebook. It just did not seem the same.

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Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 246

Thanksgiving 2019, Lip Service

I dread Thanksgiving. I never thought of the reasons before now. I just do. Why? It seemed that during the holiday, holidays really, my faith in the goodness of mankind disappears. Also, I admit, I tend to remember the bad things that happened during this particular holiday period. Yeah. back in 1991, I managed to fall head over heels in love with Patricia. At first, I just wanted to help her out of a bad relationship where she was repeatedly abused mentally and physically. I knew that the worst possible thing I could do then was falling in love with her. I did anyway. In those few short weeks I felt positive that I found the person God meant me to be with for the rest of my life. I was wrong. Two weeks before Thanksgiving she went back to her abuser, but she promised to visit me on Thanksgiving. Of course she never did come. It hurt. Then in 2007, I needed emergency surgery to fix a hernia. The doctor originally scheduled that surgery about a week later, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I didn’t really mind having it earlier. Sure it sucked, but I rather have surgery than dying! But what made it awful was having my wallet with about a hundred dollars in it stolen. I later found out that bands of so-called gypsies regularly hang out in hospitals waiting for a chance to steal things in big cities. Funny, those are the only two things that I can recall that spoiled my Thanksgiving.

The good Thanksgivings pass into a black hole. I seem to relish the bad memories over the good memories. No, the good memories slipped into this envelope of hope that swiftly disappears. Oh they are still there waiting faithfully to burst into life when called on. But that call seldom comes. Memories. In Evansville, the Haudi Shrine circus comes to town every Thanksgiving weekend. I attended almost every year as a child. Fun times filled with glorious memories of awe and wonder. Also my extended family joined for a great feast every year. My grandmother delivered ten children so the place was packed! Then Grandma died and those gatherings disappeared. I wonder why now. But that seems to be the norm now, doesn’t it? Sad. And as I grew older, I stopped going to the circus. Too far to travel to the arena. But now, the now arena is only just a couple of blocks away and I can easily walk. But I still don’t go. I tell myself I just can’t afford to go, or is it because of the memories long lost in time?

Lip service. I say I want to go back to the circus. How many times did I dream of running away from home and joining the circus? Yesterday I walked past the arena and this incredible desire to buy a ticket to visit seized me, a desire that I ignored even though I half turned t get my ticket. There is no time now, I need to catch this bus. My chance past just like that. My chance to revisit a treasured time from my youth slipped away because I was in a hurry. Or was it because I was afraid of those memories of a better time?

One memory stands out from all the rest, receiving Thanksgiving baskets when we could not afford food. I never really thought about it. It was just what people do at this time of year. I thought it was marvelous that strangers would help us out. And across the street the Lutheran Church celebrated God and thanked Him for what He provided them during the last year. Funny. Now that I think about it, the Baptist Church I got saved in never held a service on Thanksgiving day. No, they let us testify about Jesus sporioticly doing the year. But only the regular few got up and said something while the majority stayed seated and silent.

We say we are Christians, but is that merely lip service. When was the last time you acted like a Christian? Are you afraid to talk about the joys that Christ gave you in your life to strangers.? Do you willingly give anything to help others out?

Oh the world turned cold and dark since the days of my youth. Christians hide their light that God gave them afraid. Why? Do we only offer lip service when talking about God to others (if we even mention Him at all) or do we take action and share the love of God?

Am I Only doing lip service.