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26th March 2021 | this is for my soulmate of the past eight years.
have i grown since the last time we met? maybe. have i changed my mind since we last spoke? most certainly. where has life taken us to? Idk. am I still afraid? oh definitely yes. could life have taken a different turn and not end up here? no. I believe we are where we are for reasons. reasons beyond us. will I still doubt our emotional connection? maybe, but that is my personal issues I wish to deal with on my own. was there ever anyone else? of course. have I made my mark in the world? no, I am working on it still. have I found happiness? no, but at least I am not placing it in anyone鈥檚 hands now. how am I doing mentally? there are moments, but this is the most stable I have ever been. am I still running? yes what else can I do. have I completely moved on? no. never have but I will. could I live without you? I am still alive today after half a year. would I ever love anyone the same? no. but I will love them in the only ways I know how. why did I disappear? being around our friends reminds me of u. do I regret any of my decision? I do. but I am trying to put things into perspectives. if it did not happen, I would not have met this amazing guy I am seeing and u would not have met the equally amazing girl u are dating. did I plan my future with u? of course, albeit a messed up version of the future. do I plan a brand new future with him? I have only gone as far as moving in together. will this relationship last? I doubt. but I will have a permanent relationship with my career. am I using him as a distraction? most probably. a mechanism. could I accept him fully? eventually I have to. but don鈥檛 hold this against me, I鈥檓 learning as well. am I doing okay? I hope so. why couldn鈥檛 I answer u then? I am always bad at expressing my thoughts clearly. it is difficult to follow my train of thoughts but I hope I am doing a better job now. am I angry? yes. do I want u to come here? yes please. am I willing to drop everything and settle? I鈥檒l tell you when we meet.聽
R.
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