realdeadlovin

[realdeadlovin]

hmm. im sitting outside becuase, lets be real mostly becuase I wanted another drink. also bc its raining and I thought it would be nice to sit under this shelter uit isn’t really sheltered and actually im just eing rained on too much. and i wanted to listen to musis. and so i said, ill journal. so here i am. just moved into a diff chair so im more internal to the structure and not getting rained on so much. and so im journaling.

my therapist says its good for things to be explicit and in retrospect i feel taht way. i do feel like that, like when some things that have made me feel bad come up with kyle, I feel a lot of anxiety for a couple days and then.. it passes but to be honest, it doesn’t feel repressed, it feels processed. that feels nice to realize. i know this is small peas becuase I’m not like deeply invested in anything with kyle and even though i’m not doing so, it also kind felt empowering to realize that I am prepared to leave even this friendship behind if it doesn’t serve me, and even then I still feel okay with my life. but how much of that is becuase other people are also showing interest in me. flannery in particular. people seem actively interested in continuing to spend time with me. of course, I have had this feeling in tucson and it has not gone anywhere and has landed on more loneliness. I dont know.

im in pacing mood, 

its da kr8om.

the ‘bureaucratizing of peoples lives’ making me feel physically ill. I want to write more about this job, I know I always felt htat with nmd, that like it felt weird to give too much attention to the intense things that happened for some reason, but I do believe in creating a record and for my future self or whatever I shoudl write down what I’m seeing and such because, it is real, and I should be able to acknowledge that it’s real. 

for posterity here are 2 journal entries i wrote in email drafts earlier: 

to kyle (in my head: )

Something that rubbed me the wrong way in our conversation was hearing you describe it in those terms of like, I wanted a place to go and a person to like be a distraction or whatever and parker seemed available... that obviously wasn't like new or surprising information especially in the beginning of hanging out , it was clear that you werent like reaching out out of some organic sudden desire to develop our friendship and that did feel weird to me but also fine, i just reconciled it like yknow, I also want company, especially this month with sophie leaving, etc... but I guess hearing you say it I realized that I no longer feel ok with it, like at this point in our friendship it definitely does feel bad to this of this dynamic as still just essentially like kyle has needs and im a random person who is available to fill them, and not to feel values as like a unique person youre intentionally wanting to spend time with / be friends with. I know things aren't as black and white // mutually exclusive as this sounds but idk that part of the conversation did not make me feel particularly valued and made me feel a little icky

and: 

Dream last night: I was trying to see my therapists but my therapists were 3 people, and they were like magic too like the therapy was kinda a witch thing. I was living (or staying) in this house which was Kristen Vick's house she grew up in. We were trying to find a private enough spot for therapy/magic but it was hard... were trying to meet in basement but sam hopkins was down there. at some point we wound up on the stairs to the basement. but we had used up a lot of the session trying to get situated/ find a spot. i dont remember much else except there was more of me being with my 3 therapist witches and driving around the city, which was sort of richmond but not really, and somehow margo was involved. I'm now getting a memory of being somewhere and sophie being there, maybe drunk, this part is too fuzzy

things to maybe talk to this therapist about: that dream, my memories from kristens house. that I don’t know if/how those memories play into the “memory network” about me being unlikeable, but I do see a connection in the secrecy, being so surprised when taylor came ove and just talked about it, because I always hid it. and how my mom always hides things too, will is still secret, she never admitted to smoking cigarettes until she quit. 

kristens house: I felt so afraid. I have written about this. writing it so I can admit to myself that it was real. I felt so scared to walk around her house and I was awkwardly like plead her to come with me if we were in the basement and I needed to go upstairs to her room. he would find me and he would hold me, usually just hold me on his lap. really tight and wouldn’t let me go even if I struggled. would probably like say he loved me or something. the one time that kristen and I had been playing like riding sleeping bags downt he stairs. and then when i had to go upstairs alone and he said he wanted to play the sleeping ad game with me and he held my whole body against his on the floor and made me slowly “ride down the stairs” with him and held me there a long time. I still kinda remember the feeling of yea just feeling so gross. I never told kristen or anyone about this. then one time taylor came over too and she was just like “kristens dad hugged me a lot and it felt weird and creepy” and it just made me feel like soooo... mind blow that she just.. told people that?? i still get that feeling now hwen people just like, say something honestly that I have never once considered admitting honestly. 

[realdeadlovin]

How do I treat close friends who are struggling... “and I was feeling pretty good about myself”

Listen, offer sympathy and comfort. Validate the way they feel without agreeing with their self judgement. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Sympathy face, hug, I love you. But do feel this way? Hence the qualifer of how I’m feeling about myself. when i’m feeling bad about myself I think I do have bitter thoughts of maybe feeling good that close friends are experiencing feelings of rejection and inadequacy. but i dont know. like when trevor “rejected” sophie maybe part of me didn’t want to see her in a happy, fulfilling relationship and I hated myself for that. and on one level I felt that I hope he was rejecting her for certain flaws I could see. thats fucked. but, ultimately, I think she’s an infintely better and more interesting person than brooke. this isn’t what the question is asking. but, my external gestures are all reassurance, sympathy, love. understanding.

I respond to myself with anger. I drink, I feel shame, I hide. I envision self harm. 

the situation:

I have a crush on kyle, and I don’t think he feels the same way. regardless of whether or not he would feel the same in different circumstances is unclear, though my suspicion is, not. I feel some rejection, but moreso than rejection, I just feel loneliness and sadness that nobody loves me. I mean, obviously people love me. but I feel sad that I haven’t felt really desires or like someone is excited about me or has a crush on me in a long time.

Hmm... am I running away with the situation? Yeah, I suppose so. The situation, I guess, is that I have a perhaps mild crush on someone (how genuine is it, I don’t even know?) and he ... probably doesn’t reciprocate but more concretely it just isn’t going to happen. and in my mind, the situation has become not that, well kyle and I aren’t going to date, the situation has become, no one will ever love me. this feels like its pattern based learning but yeah.

I’m feeling really sad that I have not experienced the feeling of romantic excitement and potential in a long time, or have not seen that lead somewhere real for a long time. I feel bad about myself because I feel like I am not worthy of that, or I feel like I am worthy and yet not receiving it. I don’t know which. I feel lonely and like I miss the feeling of new, exciting romantic attraction and love, and the validation that comes with that.

I am feeling like it’s weird and abnormal for me to go this long without feeling that, and therefore like something must be abnormal or broken in me because of that. Like does anyone else ever go 5 years without any meaningful romantic intrigue??? I mean, by meaningful I guess I mean... without any actual relationship. even a short one.

my mom, I guess.

[realdeadlovin]

and the long rambly email, so far.

Hey brian. I don't know if I'm going to send this but I guess part of me just wants to know that I did my best to explain where I'm coming from even if nothing comes from it, I won't look back and be like well maybe if I'd explained myself more... idk.  It feels futile bc in my experience it just feels like if you have decided some piece of information or feedback is threatening or uncomfortable to you, you will just refuse to hear it or acknowledge it til the end of time. which makes it utterly impossible to work through what should be simple conflicts. I talked to MC about your visit today. she said something like, "I know you aren't someone who is freely vulnerable very often, and as someone who also struggles a lot to feel safe with vulnerability I can really understand how hard that was." I dont know brian, I guess thats why I wanna clarify that it wasn't that you weren't "emotionally available" bc like I said I really wasn't asking for or expecting anything from you. i was just expecting you not to actively throw it back in my face and make me feel like I would lose you for showing my feelings in front of you. I mean, I didn't actually know to ask that, because I hadn't really considered it as a possibility. I felt genuinely shocked. I couldn't imagine ever responding that way to you if the situations were reversed; it would feel so awful and cruel. when i was passive aggressive for a second while you were having anxiety I immediately felt so horrible. if anyone else in my life acted that way towards me, well, it's a moot point because no one else who I keep around in my life would dream of it. my therapist spends all this time trying to convince me that the people I love aren't going to abandon me if I let them see how I feel or let myself have my emotions in front of them but I guess she doesn't know you. i spend $100 a week trying to work through that shit so idk, pay me. I know alcohol plays a role in the whole thing but I also feel not into like using alcohol as a catch all excuse anymore in my life, obviously I still drink but its not a good excuse for being shitty to people you care about, or at least for not taking responsibility for it. If you want to explain where you were coming from or your perception of the situation go ahead, I will listen. slash read and consider. maybe my memory is off. I just want to say that like being able to identify why you acted shitty doesn't justify it. youre an adult and should be able to take responsibility for yourself when youre feeling insecure or whatever. you dont get to just lash out at people without consequences because you were feeling bad or anxious. I don't think you hurt me because youre like "hurting parker is just my idea of a good time." and even if I had been mad about something you did, which I wasn't, I don't understand how that really makes it okay either...  If youre not a person I can feel safe like, crying in front of, telling you that I"m not mad at you but some hard feelings about sex were coming up for me and I was just processing it but it wasn't about you.... without you actively making me feel like shit for expressing that and like you would leave me as a result... how can i feel safe trusting you or like I can be myself around you? I mean especially as someone who is supposed to "love" and "care about" me sooo much who I've known forever, not some stranger... like if a tindr date said they were leaving bc I was crying, sure. but I think some tindr dates would be nicer than that. but you? I just don't know how you don't see that.  as a side note I guess it did honestly feel hurtful that you lavish so much love and affection on me from afar and then so instantly feel certain you dont feel that way actually when were in person. i know you shrug it off, and I can't say I'm exactly mad about it cause I guess you can't help it, but it does make me feel like all that love wasn't real and theres something wrong with me or something you dont like when you actually have to be around me. you tease me about saying that 5 days seemed "daunting" to you but it did actually make me sad that we talk on a constant basis and then like the idea of seeing me was so hard. i mean obviously in retrospect you were "right" to be nervous or something but yea I guess I just like I feel some rejection when it comes to you especially seeing you "in person" which feels hard and disconcerting when u go back to being all like in love with me once you're gone, yea idk and just have this whole time struggled with feeling alternately like some rejection and then also like really intense validation. but so it goes. i guess thats just saying that even if this visit hadnt be like Bad Bad bt had just been lackluster it would have felt weird to go back to talking how we had been. but, who knows how this visit would have gone if that night hadn't happened, I know things were weird and off/awkward with us all weekend largely bc I didnt tell you how I was feeling but then also didnt know how to relax around you or be normal and yea that felt like no "spark" but maybe there wouldn't have been anyways, I don't know. I wish I'd said something sooner, also I hope you can understand why I didn't or was afraid to and who knows how the weekend would have gone if I had... maybe not any better, I dunno.   but yea not texting you right now still feels hard and sad. I've wanted so badly to text you throughout the day. I know we have leaned on each other too much in order to not feel lonely but yeah so now I feel really lonely especially with sophie gone, I just felt soooo alone after you left. seeing you cry when I dropped you off made me want to take everything back and say I dont actually feel this way, I love you and of course you wont lose me, maybe I overreacted, etc etc just wanted to walk everything back. but I don't think I'm overreacting and idk I don't think that pretending everything is fine will fix anything... idk brian, i love you and I care about you and I can't imagine you not being in my life, although I guess you weren't really there for a bit. but sometimes people are friends for a long time and then they stop. I don't think I want that and I know you have been there for me in a lot of ways as well. I just dont know.. how do we interact in a way that isn't like codependently leaning on each other but isn't like distant and surface level either? I know you've said it was hard talking to me a ton after the last time we split , I know this sitch is different too but I dunno. I dunno how to find the right balance esp when I really am struggling to trust you in any sort of deep way. you also seemed to have this attitude of like "well I can't take it back now" and thats true but people/relationships do heal from hurt all the time it just takes a certain kinda work I don't feel that I will get from you.. happy to be proven wrong though..  I'm reading an article about "reforms" in the local sheriffs dept, they are getting body worn cameras and straight up saying the cops want them bc they think they will get the off the hook more often than not *~*~*I talked to kyle last night, cried some, anyways he hates you now. jk ish. definitely was like "wow fuck that guy." which wasn't actually what I had intended to convey. It's hard for me to talk to other people in my life here about anything with you because idk, your behavior sometimes is just so unreasonable and unkind on its face people always get so like against you if I actually tell them things you say to me and such, and then I feel like I'm actually in this position of just like trying to defend you and be like "no but he can be really great though and I really love him" and such. I've been in that dynamic before in "relationships" where I don't feel I can tell my friends about what is actually going on because then they will absolutely not support me being with that person and yea it's not great. I know that I know you better than they do and that you're really a very caring and loving person but its hard to reconcile that sometimes with your thoughtlessness at other times. I guess this is what you were talking about earlier in this whole thing.. about how far we've drifted apart, I guess in terms of who we surround ourselves with and such. I told kyle youre someone I've known and loved for long before I started having the current standards I have for people in my life. but, I'm also really deeply grateful you're in my life, and I'm glad to have had you come into my life when you did and to have stayed in it all this time.I felt so much better and less alone after talking to kyle and that helped clarify how much I was freaking out because of missing you versus how much i was freaking out about being alone. it was nice feeling like I could cry around someone about something that was hurting me and have it actually create intimacy rather than drive them away, as it should, so that was validating and healing in a way, like yea im not crazy. I don't want you to not be in my life. I want to continue having a close friendship with you that isn't like awkwardly not addressing unsaid things or like surface level and yeah like i want that trust back blah. and maybe I fucked that up by restarting things romantically when maybe we were on our way towards that again.  arms sore like from adrenaline day 3 lol I'm getting pretty sad not talking to you or knowing how youre feeling. it's become less urgent because I don't feel lonely/alone anymore per se. getting a lot of comfort from kyle thats maybe weird/ co dependent in its own way, hes been staying in sophies room, making em coffee and breakfast in the mornings / walking me to work etc. yesterday had agood therapy session, then played cards with some rfiends, then met kyle at owls club and hung out with him and some nurses, then kyle stayed over and we talked until we were both falling asleep on the couches, tonight im maybe having dinner (sex? who knows? I think I dont want ot, I barely want to hang out with him at all it feels like a chore) tonight. still nothing physical with kyle, I wonder if cuddling may imminent, but idk.well so what im saying is when yo ufirst left I had this panicky feeling that I couldn't tell if was about fear of being alone or about missing you and the lsat few days I have felt better and less alone, and I sitll miss you, in a not urgent way but in a, I want to hear how you're doing and I want you in my life, way. I dont know brian. I feel I'm sort of processed what happened and I am mad indeed but as long as we know we can like never be involved romantically lol i can forgive that you have a lot of unhealed shit and act poorly a lot of the time in relationsihp idk. blabla. and not being involved romantically,well, it doesn't seem healthy to be so dependant on talking constantly so I don't think we can go back to that. but regularly, I would like.I dont want to not talk to you.

[realdeadlovin]

my journaling from the beach: 

BLah blah. I'm typing this on the roof/balcony of our airbnb in cholla bay. I wish I could go to sleep, I was so tired all day, but my brain is unhappy and wound up in a way that I know would not equal success at falling asleep. especially next to brian. blah blah. i suppose its not surprising that like all of today was just immediately pretending everything was fine between us and not acknowleding that anything had happened. and the frustrating part is that like I don't have any drive or incentive to bring it up anyways because there is no space of valuable procssing for us. the only thing to discuss is how to incorporate teh understanding that (once again, but more firmly this time) nothing will ever work between us, this will keep happening and probably getting worse, It turns out even after that debacle I still like and want to be affectionate iwth brian and it makes me feel sad and lonely to consider breaking off what we've had going on, but also we're lucky enough we've gotten this far without hating each other and maybe we shouldn't press our luck. I don't know, I don't know what the right thing to do is now but that's what's ahead of us to figure out (ending things, how, when?) and I don't want to do that when he's sitll here for a few more days. so I want to be able to I guess "have fun" but it's also hard and feels bad we have to just ignore shit to not have it be horrible.

I lost a lot of trust in brian last night. I knew // was (re?) learning that he has the emotional maturity of a ten year old if that, but it just felt more pointed and personal last night.

he brought up with me sleeping with nick in a snide way, and that struck a nerve and triggered bad feelings in me. yes i was drunk. I wasn't actually mad at brian for that I just wanted to cry a little and procss that that actually was a bad memory. brian does know that it wasn't something that I feel good about and that I had some difficult/ hurt feelings about nick after that incident coupled with others. but i wasn't in that moment mad at his insensitivity I just wanted to step away and have feelings. which seemed fine at first, he came out and was affectionate. but i guess when that didn't fix things right away he couldn't handle it. he said "i feel weird" and got out of bed and then literally threatened to leave the next day. I don't think I can forgive him for that ever. it also just seems so bizarre in the universe when what i've been talking about in therapy is literally like emotional trauma stemming from fearing my mother we going ot leave me (and her in fact leaving my bed) because of me crying. I also had literally iterated to brian multiple times that it wasn't about him, i wasn't mad at him, but apparently what wigged him out so much was a feeling that i was mad at him. but this is what i've already been noticing in brian, he just does not have that ability whatsoever to understand that his emotions/ anxieties/ insecurities are not a blanket excuse for shitty behavior and he needs to be able to take some ownership.

and so the irony is not lost on me tonight that he started having intense, difficult to articulate anxiety / emotions. despite being occasionally affectionate with me (as I also was with him last night) he was also distant, quiet, regularly not looking at or speaking ot me and like standing/walking separately..... he also expressed that his anxiety was related to how much money he is spending on this trip, which also does kinda sting cause it feels like his anxiety is like, that he came to see me, which makes me feel bad and kinda upset, but I wouldn't in one million years I think even if I was very drunk think of yelling at and berating him the same way, being like "well did you ever stop to think maybe i feel like youre mad at me // or blablabla" when I know he's having hard emotions and such. of course i didn't threaten to leave. though I did, I admit and I dind't like feeling this way either, feel quite petty and like "oh ok so you're allowe to have like your own hard emotoinal experience near me but I'm not" or whatever. I wante dot passive aggressively be like, ok well I can't tell if youre mad at me so I'm going to leave tomorrow bye" or whatever. but, I didn't, I sucked it up and although I think I would have been a better suppor had I not been feeling that way I still tried, took us on a walk, hugged him, etc. I dunno bla. not to e all, "regreT" by fiona apple.

I want to tell him I've lost trust in him in an irreparable way, that wasn't just another drunk argument we can forget about and move on from. thsi is the signal that it's time to find a way out of this, I don't htink I can ever be emotionally supported or safe with him in the way I would need, even though I know we aren't saying tghis is a "relationship" or whatever it isn't isn't, "casual." I don't know what would happen to our friendship. I also, even as I write this, wonder if I will actually end this or extricate myself. I'm definitely going to tell him the harm was real from that fight, but maybe after he leaves, I don't know. it'd hard becuase I feel like reopening this conversation would just make the rest of hte trip awful and hard and not even like, in a productive way which is the thing with him is that processing is never processing, it never gets us anywhere at all unless its deeper in a hole of shit. some things I can decide to just move on from and forget even though I still feel that twinge of unresolved anger.... this is bigger than that. um, so yeah, I guess if he wants to keep pretending things are fine with us I'll just go along with it and have as much fun as we can until he leaves and we can safetly idk email or wahtever from a distance. I mean, I won't lie. I also, unfortunately...? still really like touching him, and am attracted to him. this morning I really wanted to have sex with him and like, I felt that maybe it would be fucked up to go towards that after the night we had without acknowledging it, but then was glad he intiated that. I mean.. I think the sex was mutually initiated but, initiated the, being touchy. that was me having his imaginary voice in my head arguing with me about him having initiated it. bla. i wonder if his affected today has just been coming from that fear-of-losing-me place or if he just things that what happened last night was kinda run of the mill for us.. I mean I don't htink he would be surprised if I said it wasn't but yea.

oh but what I was saying, I dont know, it also just feels sooooo lonely and sad, the prospet of going back from like having a constant preson that I love to talk to to not having anything even close to that, especially when life is also already lonely and such. both for like having the constant like, validation, and like, "company" even thought virtual.. like no tjust living alne with my thoughts all day evey day.. but  I'm worried right now I'm just going to fall back into the "good" parts of this and not have it in me to break away. and i guess my fear then is something similar or worse will just happen agian that will actually result in us hating each other // me not wanting to talk to him or see him again, etc. I think we could get away without that now, but I don't know. I mean I think we could definitely get out of this without hatred but could we transition back into a friendship where we actually talk and are in each others lives? at least in the near future (not like years down the road)? I dont know.....

I wonder if brian will ever really heal or understand even waht the problem is here. I understand that maybe some percentage of this is like us just having different emotoinal realities and struggles and such but I feel really firm in that what I'm expecting is vey reasonable, not just like me personally but of anyone who is suppsoe to care abotu and be in relationship with another person. I miss having it, I fucking miss dating someone who like hard hard hard things came up, but we understand and respected each otehrs needs and ways of communicating and working through stuff together actually gets you somewhere. i didnt have that with semra either. but semra was emotionally abusive. wolford and I really had that. I mean like sophie and I do in terms of our friendship. yea. is it more rare than I realize? I mean, I guess also I think lore and I have that, though I sometimes and like nervous ot bring up issues I have with her. when I do she listens and we hear each other and we are in a better place afterwards for it. I do think I have that model of like communication and how conflict and be like a good/ supportive thing in a relationships that helps it deepen and grow. mabye brian hasn't like had that modeled, idk, it just seems like he deeply cant' handle hard emotions, from me maybe in particular i dunno, cause he can't see past how they make him feel threatened or insecure or whatever. and then this thing about like " I don't wanna rehash that" when its like we never even really talked about it or figured anything out. we can nevre figure anything out. maybe were just different and he finds me so very "hard to read" and he can "read" other people more easily and thus feels less uncertain and insecure. maybe. but then yea so why are we together.

anyways I think I've written eveything I wanted to and I feel less like crying, still very unclear on if I feel like sleep is an option for me anytime soon. I sorta wish we hadn't had to switch to the one-room airbnb, I would like to go inside and read on a couch until I can crawl in bed it feels that would be distracting to him or like just not as easy as at the other place. sure am glad I don't like in a studio apartment with another person lol.

but, I also have to pee... thought here are bathrooms on thsi patio.. and the wind is picking up so I'll go inside, I really think it would be great to get good sleep tonight but alas

[realdeadlovin]

so as it turns out, but rate of journaling was not purely tied to the size and comfortability of my keyboard.

I keep thinking I should want to journal about therapy but, it doesn’t feel natural, it feels sort of tedious. we tried emdr and I’m not sure if I felt anything // it did anything. in some moments I definitely felt like I was having intense feelings but I had also dranken a strong beer right beforehand and was hating myself for it, substances make me doubt every body sensation and then the “doubt” voice is stronger but the voice thats like “no actually what youre feeling maybe has nothing to do with your emotional landscape” feels truer. in that way alcohol doesn’t calm the doubt voice but strengthens it bc its like the biggest source of the doubt now.

the memory we’re circling around or the memory network at least begins with my mom putting me to bed as a child, and telling me to stop crying or she would leave. in this memory, I don’t know the original reason for crying. was I originally crying because she wasn’t going to sleep in my bed? I guess so? I’m unclear on that bit. it’s mostly the memory of “stop crying or I’ll leave.” I wonder how many times that happened? only once? it feels like a repeated thing but memory is tricky. and then I just cry harder. Because I thought she meant that she would LEAVE leave, like forever leave. And what I had in my head was this image of her, in black and white, like packing her things in a suitcase and going outsida nd getting in a car, like noir film style, all fashionable and businesslike and never coming back. I know that it did feel scary. its like the more I talk abotu the memory though the harder it is to directly experience it.

The questions asked in therapy that I remember...

What is the worst thing that would be true about you if she left?

I said alone but yeah I dont know.

I remember one night when I thought she really did leave (she had actually just gone back to her own room) and I cried so long and hard she came back and I was so shocked and relieved because I thought she had left. but did I actually think that? I feel like I cried so hard because I knew she could hear me. but maybe not and I’m transposing memories of my later nightmares. I wonder if the nightmares could be somehow connected. I dunno but they never felt about abandonment from what i remember. or maybe they were because part of it was maybe like family members being killed sometimes, and I always had that need to like sleep in other peoples rooms. could be connected around like, not wanting to sleep alone or sleeping alone feeling like abandonment to danger or whatever. hmm.

as far as whether or not the emdr has continue to percolate or affect me over the week, I can’t think of how. I gotta get sober, or at least (for now) off kratom and not drink on therapy days. but really , sober would be best. I want to like and trust myself. A thought process I was having the other day is like, how much of my desire to not drink anymore is about other peoples opinions, like feeling like if other people knew what a struggle it was they would think a lot less of me, and/or they would respect me more if I were sober, and if maybe a prerequisite for me actually doing it is when my own reasons take precedent, rather than yeah just the issue of perception and, yknow, wanting other peoples approval. who knows, just a theory. 

[realdeadlovin]

Dreams last night

one where I was visiting Brian, he lived in some sort of like community, and even though there people there who I knew it definitely felt like nobody there liked me, like nobody would talk to me. so it was really unpleasant to be there if brian wasn’t around and he kept like disappearing. “Abby” was there representing the abby brian i guess had a thing with, in the dream she kind of reminded me of camille, I didn’t realize she was abby or that she was actually visiting brian, for some reason justin was also there and i thought she was justin’s friend. brian never said anything to me about it and also never told abby about me, but I slowly figured it out. she was trying to hook up with brian in front of me (not like trying to have sex in front of me but like making suggestive comments and such) but she wasn’t really doing anything wrong cause brian never told her, he just sort of evasively never said no but made excuses not to hook up with her. i was feeling angry and jealous. then brian disappeared for like 2 days and I couldn’t get in touch with him at all or figure out where he was but i still in that community where like no one liked me and wouldn’t talk to me and that felt worse bc some of them were people I thought were my friends (random people like james chan..). I texted him “where the fuck are you” or something and then I sorta woke up but i like thought that i had texted him that in real life and needed to explain that it was bc of the dream.

anyways p obvious where that all comes from

and then also had the dream where I needed to show sophie this like perfect swim spot, it was relaly elaborate to get there although also like earlier in the dream i think it was less elaborate but it got like more elaboate evey time. by the end it was like, I had to go all through this huge abandoned building that i use to know the way through , all these secret holes and compartments and rooms and such but when i was showing sophie it all seemed different and I didn’t remember how to navigate it. but I got through sora and then we went through this playground that had a big like plastic dinosaur toy and you had to turn something on that and a hole opened up and crawl through and there was this hole in a rock wall you like go in and slid through like on a water slide, and it pops you out at this totally dreamy secret swim spot. but earlier in the dream like that secret tunnel in the rock wall was a thing but the abandoned house and all that wasn’t there. idk, this whole dream brought back a lot of images that i think are from previous similar dreams but I was kinda doubting that and like were those images just from like earlier in the dream? or have I dreamt it before? the part about like weaving an elaboate path through an abandoned house, kinda like caving but in a house, finding the like holes and closets to crawl through, then also the image of the swim spot and like having to ride liek a water slide to get there... also cave-ish, but I remember having a similar vibed dream like at left bank with will in it.

and the whole time i was leading sophie there i was worried she was claustrophobic and not having fun esp as I realized I didn’t remember the way through the house vey well anymore cause it all looke different than i remembered.

[realdeadlovin]

I dont think defining this is a good idea because I think defining it means ending it.

I mean this was always unsustainable. we cant’ be talking constantly like completely fucking emotionally intertwined and “codependent” ish and like also have “no expectation” and not be in any sort of relationship. but a relationship would also probably never work out.

any time there is any sort of conflict or difficult it just feels like we cant’ work through it at all. everything you say is just some emotional reaction and i have emotional reactions too but being able to like talk about them with a measure of self awareness is necessary and when were in that space every single thing you say just pisses me off. and so yea it just comes back to like, things dont feel good, maybe because of something we could work through like jealousy or what have you, but it just doesn’t feel like we have that space wehre we can take those hard things and work through them. I can’t express any frustration or negative feelings without you being defensive and just flat out not listenin to what I’m saying. “so I’m flirting with someone off tinder what do you want to be monogamous?” “sorry I was in a bad mood earlier.” “sorry I don’t like all the same music as you.” like it just doesn’t feel like I can go into a conversation being like “I’m going to explain why I’m feeling the way I do” or why i reacted that way, even when im like optimistically prepared to do so and own like that I’m feeling is also my own shit and such , and have any confidence it will be heard and I won’t just get angrier. bla.

I don’t like myself and I have to stop drinking.

I just don’t know what to do because I don’t want things to end with us. that sounds so lonely. and it brings me back to how much of this is just about loneliness? I do love him I just like can’t imagine this working any sor of way and I could get behind just doing it anywys like, out of love, but if its just out of loneliness and a desire for validation like blah idk when does it get unhealthy? when does it feel like tehre is just conflict and drama and I’m in it for that, for the addiction to emotional highs and drama? and then now it just feels like before again when I really thought it was going to be different. I feel so upset. 

[realdeadlovin]

Well, that didn’t go as expected.

There’s a lot I could say about Sophie and Camille and therapy and such but.

Most recently, Brian told me about his flirtation with tinder person. It feels bad and I wish it didn’t. Monogamy/ non monogamy is so weird and like, so... hypocritical, like I wouldn’t think twice about flirting with someone here if it felt good but somehow envisioning Brian doing it is like “how could you’??? when you tell me you love me??” and I mean I don’t actually feel that way or like doubt that he loves me but can’t help feeling a bit like betrayed and/or like... misled, but I also misled myself. He told me felt weird about stuff with the tinder person but he also sort of portrayed it as like not tha tmuch of a thing, or like he wasn’t that into them but just felt weird since he met them on tinder when it def sounds like he has fed into the flirtation // felt it more than he conveyed. but I also get that and I don’t feel like mad mad. I think brian maybe has a bit of a leading--on problem. but also like who doesn’t like flirting and cuddling with new people? yeah anyways. I wish it didn’t feel as bad as it does, and like I can sense in myself the feeling of like, “well maybe lets just call off the whole thing” which is totally irrational and also coexisting with feelings like wanting to tell him he’s too dramatic for saying that maybe he “fucked this up” and I want to tell him he’s being too dramatic, like this isn’t going to end just over him flirting with someone, while at the same time part of me is like “weeeelllll it’s been a good run, time to accept it’ll never work....” 

but I mean, I definitely don’t actually think I’m going to end things over this at all, but it’s sort of that feeling of like, when my alarm goes off and I’m like “ you know what, I’ll just sleep in and neve show up to work and like not tell anyone, I’ll just quit my job and block eveones numbers, I’m just gonna walk away frmo this job and neve tell anyone because it’ll feel THAT good to just go back to sleep.” like you know you aren’t gonna do it. I know I’m not ending things over this. but what it DOES bring up is... just the general weirdness of thsi situation where we are professing our love to each other so often and feeling so like ~in love~ but, we aren’t together~ and we can’t be/ shouldn’t be. not can’t in a dramatic way but like neither of us want that and I know it wouldn’t work. ULTIMATELY and like generally I have felt okay with like “yeah, things will end eventually, (either when one of us starts dating someone else, or when idk one of us wants to actually make it official/ serious and move to the same place and the other one says that won’t work and it ends, or when it just gets too painful or one of us stops having feelings or...) and when that happens it’ll suck, but I can accept that and right now it feels good and life is SHORT and I feel good just letting us have as much time being sweet and loving each other as we can get out of htis, why end it prematurely? “ yeah... that’s how I’ve been feeling. but I realize that this sort of situation does make it like, harder to withstand the hardness because what are we fighting to preserve? all this is is ~feeling good~, it’s not commitment, so why stick with it when it feels bad? and this sort of *feeling bad*, when its just like about some text flirting, isn’t going to end it, but just realizing like... as much as I really want to work on feeling more comfortable with non monogamy... will any sort of like emotional difficulty feel worth it with brian, or are the conditions such that it will just feel like “well fuck it we had a good run, but this isn’t fun anymore so bye” ? and does that feel unhealthy? I don’t know. I guess the question it, how much effort/ fight am I willing to put in to maintain whateve it is we have now? what if i enter into an actual relationship, one that wasn’t monogamous, would brian be something I would want to preserve? err I mean that feels sooo theoretical and hard to imagine but thats just yeah what I’ve been thinking about. is how this sort of happy go lucky “who cares where things are headed /// I know things will end eventually // but it feels good for now” just really begs the questions of how to react when things don’t feel purely good, and like.... blah, I want to be in a relatinoship where I’m signed up to do that work, to push through the difficult, and not that brian and I never deal with hard things, we obviously do, but yeah.

 ummm OK. but yeah . other observations. I deeefinitely reach for the sunstances when bad feelings happen. It doesn’t even feel necessarily like “oh these are feelings I can’t handle, it’s more just like... teh substances are there in my life anyways, so might as well use them when I’m feeling especially off. or whatever. like tonight didnt feel like, oh this would *trigger* me if I were sober but lik e”agh emotional stress wheres the beer” ya know.

and I just like, yeah, the codependence, I mean maybe thats not the right word, but the like... I told him I didn’t want to talk but now im like why hasn’t he texted meeee and checking my phone constantly. it feels like both bc I’m emotionally wrapped up but also more just like, precedent, I expect a text back quickly and yeah.

ok I am rereading our texts and like they def have been misleading... k i just texted them>

Blah i mean idk I do feel a lil misled or like even just rereading texts now its like idk. You convey it as like. Idk like it's only weird bc u met on tinder not bc there's active talk about cuddling. Er idk like are u leading them on or just concealing your feelings to me like it's hard to tell the diff ? Blah but ultimately I don't want it to be a big deal but it's also hard to deal with jealousy feelings when the communication is also unclear and confusing which I also remember being a thing in the before times, it's hard both like having jealous which I don't like feeling but also having to do the work if like figuring out what's actually going on, you're like having guilt but not really actually telling me what's going on. But yea then it's also confusing cuz it's like we're not even together or whatever .... Etc

[realdeadlovin]

Sophie and Camille are a thing and I just like want to cry/ am crying and I feel so stupid. I feel like no one in the world will ever have a crush on me or feel excited about me ever again. like meeting someone new and then forming a romantic relationship with that person feels beyond my reach. I know that’s most likely not true but the feeling of rejection also feels really not in my head. and I haven’t been proven wrong yet. nobody does like me and that feels like a fact. I know its somewhat natural to feel feelings of envy or sadness when other people experience things you’re lacking and being around other peoples excitement and energy, but it feels beyond that, I feel plagued by just like wanting other people to suffer like me, resenting other peoples enjoyment, like in tucson i’ve desperately latched onto other peoples feelings of exclusion as validation. i’m so resentful. except i also resent when sophie expresses her loneliness, like how dare she when I’m the lonely one. I don’t know. eveything about our entire last 4 years as roommates feels wrong and bad to me and I know that’s not true but blah. I’m just feelings back in that bad place. and I know I could shut this feelings away too and I keep being like “observe how you are in your body” but it doesn’t feel like anything notable. I need a fucking change. I wish I were strong enough to change on my own here and thats why I tell myself I should just be sober because if nothing else that is a big change, so even if I’m still here in Tucson, in this house, with this job, my life will be changing. I can’t blame it all on the a-a-a-a-alohol and kratom. and I need to understand // tell myself that it won’t feel different right away. but I can’t do it... I can’t fucking do it. and maybe it’s okay if I need some circumstantial change, if I need to be in the woods or something to start the change. It’s hard because the tucson cycles do come and go and it often feels like theres some sort of hope... like thsi summer I feel like, maybe I’ll become good friends with kyle, or keep getting to know glenn and adrian bette, maybe I’ll hang out with flannery..... but that hope never amounts to shit other than a few pleasant hikes but no deep, lasting relationship. if things aren’t better by the end of this summer I should leave. what could I do? could I do a thru hike? I don’t know if I have it in me to plan that. 

[realdeadlovin]

Well, even though it makes the colors washed out the anti glare screen situation si pretty nice. I can basically use the computer outside. It’s a little overcast today but I feel like with my old computer there would have been no hope of working outside. how pleasant

Reflecting on this feeling of childishness and resentment. Or I don’t know if I’ve been reflecting but observing... can I blame kratom? That’s the thing, I won’t know if I don’t stop. It just feels exhausting, it feels like even when people generally like me and I’m engaging, it just ends at a certain point without ever amounting to anything. I’m never the person someone is excited about getting to know more. I feel like Im’ always background for people, always just like, a fine or chill person to have around but not their favorite. like camille and sophie somehow just met and like will continue to be in each others lives, and I just feel like that will never happen to me again. I’ve felt this way for so long. I feel so uninteresting. and i wonder how much this like influences my dependence brian, just so appreciating the feeling of someone being singularly interested in me. someone liking me more than sophie. but i hate these thoughts and they make me draw in on myself more because i don’t want others to see them. and then im more withdrawn and more resentful.

its so hard for me to focus on my emotions, or especially my body, I dont know... it feels fuzzy and indistinct. I really don’t understand how it is suppose to feel, how it feels for other people.

Mindfulness moment? does it take you out of a mindfulness moment if you’re typing?

I can hear:

-a little dog parking, high pitched

-some gentle bird cooing, a mourning dove?

-some other chirpier birds

-they keyboard as i type

-cars in the distance

-train

-I can feel

-a light breeze on my knees/back of my legs, and my neck/ face/ hair and hands. i mean eveywhere i guess those are the main places i feel it though. 

-the sun

-the chair i’m sitting in, a bit stiffly i’m realizing, the bar kind of rubbing , not quite digging, into my back. my hands resting on the keyboard, which is a bit warm.

bar also rubbing into my thighs

my shins crossed

my brain/eyes feeling a bit heavy and tired, no doubt from kratom =/

[realdeadlovin]

Well, I want to start forming the habit of journaling more and also get use to thsi keyboard so I’m going for it although I don’t have much to say.

Camille is lovely. Kind of a reminder of how being around people who are kind and interested in me can be comfortable. though sometimes uncomfortable with the earnesty, with being looked at. and generally uncomfortable in a, comparing myself with sophie way and feeling like I’m too distant or not myself. whatever myself is. I do need to do a better job trying to notice how my body is feeling. How is my body feeling now? What am I thinking?

A gentle pulse in my head like behind by face sort of. tired, heavy eyes a bit. I hear sula’s cat fountain and the sound of the computer keys. oops now I noticed the cat fountain and its annoying me. now I can hear sula scratching her throne. my mouth is where the gentle throbbing is mainly. like its my pulse, not a headache throb. i can feel my pulse in my lips. my neck / head is being held a little tensely. i felt/heard it creak a little when i moved it. I hear something else thats like from outside maybe? and distant cars accelerating. just heard the fridge come on and make some noise. what is that sound outside. like an electrical hum sort of. I feel warm, like my arms especially. I felt awkward today, like nobody was happy to see me or wanted to talk to me. when kyle says he has a friend crush on me and sophie I just feel anxious he would like sophie better. everyone likes sophie better. sarah likes sophie better. I know this (maybe?) isn’t true but I feel childishly protective of her affections because they always felt so secure, and they feel less secure now. maybe as she is growing and healing more and I’m not. I’m just stuck here with my drinking and my kratom and my disconnection and insecurity. I’m getting weird, I don’t know how to interact with people. I used to be weird and bad at interacting with people but i could find my fellow weirdos and they would love me and I would feel home with them. sometimes, I guess I do remember stretched that were hard, like in richmond. couldn’t find anyone to date, took a while to make friends. but i miss having friends who are interwoven into my daily life like that. does kratom make me hate sophie? of course I don’t hate sophie. but that feeling is returning, like, we aren’t actually even good friends because I don’t have the feelings I’m supposed to for that to be true. the truth is i sort of want a break from her but I’m feeling really worried about potentially sharing space with someone who doesn’t like me. how horrible I’ll feel all the time. but who knows maybe we’ll become great friends. I just don’t even feel capable of making a great friend anymore. I sort of want to explore how that shame feels in my body but I don’t actually want to lean into it, like, I could spiral about my utter friendlessness and the hopelessness of ever finding that again, but I’d rather not!!! turns out. 

[realdeadlovin]

I got a new computer. which I wanted like, in case I’m doing a lot of NMD work and such, but I have been also sorta telling myself that I’m not journaling like I Could be // want to be because I don’t like typing on my old keyboard, it’s too cramped and uncomfortable. So then I’ve sort of fixated on this like, well I can’t journal yet but I’ll really dig into that once I have the new bigger computer. In that sort of like, well once circumstances are different or some factor changes then I’ll finally like be the person I want to be, focusing on the self growth and all that.

I’ve been feeling the film between myself and the world strengthening again. I think being around sophie makes it worse or maybe just makes me more aware. but essentially I think the real factor is kratom and I know that. I mean and other deep - seated? seeded? factors that I’m “working on” in therapy though I would be able to work on them more if I weren’t always getting myself addicted to kratom, I think. I thought that like working full time would make it easier to be sober because I would have less free time in which to be bored, but sitting quietly at a desk all day also makes me aware of things like .. withdrawal symptoms, etc. Definitely harder than if I were being active.

I’m honestly not convinced I like this keyboard, now it seems *too* stretched out honestly but I think I just need to get use to it.

I’m nervous about sophie being gone but maybe it will be good. blah. it’s unhealthy, I think, like I don’t always even love and appreciate sophie. I’m just like, it’s better than being alone and also better than being around someone I don’t feel comfortable around or feel social pressure/ stress around. I need an exercise in actually loving people not just becoming dependent on them.

I just want and actual keyboard I think is the thing, like I don’t like sleek laptop keyboards. I liked the one on the work computer like the keys were deeper. I dunno I do think it is a lot better than the smaller computer and I need to get use to it but so far I’m not so good at typing on it.

[realdeadlovin]

I am not going to drink today.

If i get the urge, I”ll have a bubby water. I’ll make a snack. I’ll go for a walk. I’ll journal about it.

If I fuck up and drink anyways, that’s okay. I dont have to hate myself. 

[realdeadlovin]

I’m so sick of starting journal entries just saying that I want to journal more, that I’ve been telling myself to journal more, and then noting that I’ve had a bit to drink. I want to talk about what’s been happening in therapy, what we’ve been talking about. I trust, a bit, that just continuing to see this therapist will eventually lead me somewhere, but I want to keep it alive more in the days in between, be actually doing some work on my own. but working 40 hours is a bitch and wednesday comes again before I can even think of that. it’s hard to know what is just excuses.... like, I hate the keyboard on this computer, I find it hard and awkward to type on so its hard to sink into writing so I don’t write. now that I’m doing it I’m like... oh yeah, it’s doable. it just doesn’t have that satisfying clack clack feeling of typing. it takes effort. it takes intention. I want to sink into the flow. and I can’t sink into the flow so easily. whatever. =

as much as the “disbelief” voice is something I can’t look at directly, the drinking and such is something I can’t look at directly. I hate that I’m not weak enough to weight the long term implications and sit with the discomfort. What is it I’m seeking? Am I ever looking beyod the next 5 minutes? Do I have any reason to?

Ok yeah now I remember, the small shift key really does suck. THis whole keyboard really does suck.

It’s weird to remember the feeling of being loved. Brian sharing memories from 4 years ago of tossed off things I said and how much they mean to him. 

Like, I would like my routine on wednesdays to be:

come home from therapy, don’t drink

journal about therapy, dont drink

dont drink

go to bed

[realdeadlovin]

come here by me. i want you here.

have had some dreams that were somewhat intense but that I didn’t write down so don’t remember as well as I should.

days ago when brian was still here I dreamt that I saw him and isaac walking together. and/or it was like he and isaac were the same person. It was like at the end of some road in Tucson where there was actually a river than ran... like now with waste water being pumped into it but like there was naturally water lol. and like it still wasnt ~flowing~ but was kinda like a real little marshy river where the road ended. anyways yeah i dont know. one of those things where it was simple but I just have a clear image in my head of how it saw to see isaac walking there, he looks healthy and happy and I was happy to see him and his hair was short. he was with another person, brian, but then also maybe he was brian, etc.

AaAaAand

the weird one where I was with border patrol adn they were like giving me a tour with some new technology thing they had for finding people in the desert. mostly remember how the thing felt. it was like this contarption like paraglider--ish but you like are standing up and have a thing in front of you that you like lean against to steer.... but also to keep your balance.. and it was like really scary bc we were going 75 mph but like I could barely keep my balance and kept feeling like I was going to totally fall. but the thing like worked like yo could see people really well from it unlike a helicopter.

and last night one that was like strange matter ish. i mean stranger things ish. i dont remember the story now. but it was like some people were trapped in the upside down expect in the dream it was called THE SIMULACRA and that was the main thing that stuck out to me in the dream... it being called THE SIMULACRA. like thsi presons mom was stuck in it and it was like, scary .... bc her body was still in the other world and we knew that her body was freezing like her toes had frozen and we presumed the rest of her too. i rememeber this weird feeling like, the feeling of being in the simulacra was really bad, empty, scary but I remember a feeling of like hope that felt sorta like elation at the end too of feeling like, we could get out of it. like we could triumph. and the feeling of both of thsoe things, the bad feeling of being in that world (visually it was just a lot like the stranger things upside down, dark and bad and weird shit floating in the air), and the feeling of knowing it was like, surmountable.

aaaanyways.

good night, i love brian, i have been drinking too much, im like ok i got stuck on this bender and it feels bad and I need to get out of it =/ 

[realdeadlovin]

I felt confused because sometimes you said things that made me feel like you’re just not feeling this the way I am. which is okay, but then in other moments I wasn’t sure if that was true or if you just like don’t feel safe or if your concerns were more logistical and/or fear of returning to where we were and the same thing happening. or if you just really didn’t have the same feelings for me. I don’t know. like saying that you felt like a big part of this was you being lonely. made me feel sort of sad and a little rejected. but i don’t know cause then you’d say things like, will we ever live in the same place? that made me feel confused because I feel like you would say this wasn’t leading anywhere for you and then start like trying to imagine with me what it could look like, and I’m like, I just feel really unsure if you even want that if it were possible? I’m not trying to badger you into being with me or anything, I’m just telling you how I feel. Like I could be on board with trying to envision a future together but it’s hard when like at the same time I feel like that’s not even something you want so I’m like I don’t really want to talk about it if you don’t. It makes me feel like I’m trying to convince you or something.

[realdeadlovin]

reflections on mindfulness

its hard for me! i find myself getting up or like not following through. dont know if its active avoidance or like just distractability but i will be like “ok time for mindfulness moment” and like all of a sudden im washing dishes.

my heart beats hard, probably because of stimulants. maybe also stress. feel my heartbeat in different parts of my body. like one time i was feeling it in my head. another time like in my back. 

my thoughts. self-critical especially about work.

feeling like brian doesnt like me.

warm love feelings.