reckingbal

[reckingbal]

“i don’t care,” i say, caringly, as i care deeply

[reckingbal]

[reckingbal]

Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache. You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor, and picks it up. You are the one who feeds it, who clothes it, who tucks it into bed, and you should be proud of that. Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is trying to bleed you dry, that is the strongest thing in the universe.

[reckingbal]

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.”

— Meredith Grey (via uskalla)

Greys fucks me up!!!!!

(via remember-the-memoriesx)

[reckingbal]

“‘I hate you,’ I say, the words coming out like a caress. I say it again, over and over. A litany. An enchantment. A ward against what I really feel. ‘I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.’”

—

The Wicked King (Jude to Cardan), Holly Black

(via @sweetheartnj15 )

[reckingbal]

“Then he left, and with him he took the sun, the moon, the stars and anything inside of me that might have been good.”

— Julie Murphy

[reckingbal]

[reckingbal]

Scream in to the void, break down, cry until your eyes dry up, shout until you feel like your lungs are gonna explode. Feel what you need to feel and then start again.

04/04/19

[reckingbal]

“Most of the stars we see at night are already dead. Some people are like that, too.”

drownthe-ocean

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happier | ed sheeran

[reckingbal]

[reckingbal]

does it get better? yes. yes it does. at first you feel too much and you’ll cry. you will cry a lot and it feel like the end of the world. you might even reach out and contact them a couple of times, but they won’t reply back. eventually you’ll stop thinking about them all the time but during the day you’ll stop and think about what they’re doing. did they eat? I wonder if they got any sleep or if they’re flying back home for the summer. but through it all, you will learn to love yourself. you will learn that suddenly you love the colour pink or that you have a new found love for a show you thought you hated. sometimes you’ll fall apart, don’t expect this to be a journey where you will only keep going up, sometimes you will fall, you will fall back down so hard and it will hurt all over again but you have to get back up. get back up and show them that’s you’re okay. you’ll be drinking coffee and suddenly you’ll be crying because the colour reminds you of their deep brown eyes. maybe you’ll be listening to that song they told you about and suddenly you want to run away. but when that happens, remember how strong you were before them and continue. healing is a long process, it doesn’t happen in 2 days or even 2 months. you just have to keep pushing until one day you look back and just smile. smile because it happened but you know what, it’s okay. its okay if it ended badly or maybe the fact that you’re back to strangers. but you will smile, you will be grateful for the time spent and when you can fully do that without wanting to go back to them, that’s when you have healed. keep going baby, you got this.

[reckingbal]

yesterday i met a drunk man in the streets of my favorite city in the world. he runs up to me. clutches me by the arm. looks me in the face. and tells me “i hope you marry the love of your life.” i laugh kindly, dismissing his words, dripping with hennessy, for drunken ramblings. i continue to roll down the concrete street that smells like coffee breath and dreams far too large to entertain and wonder where you are. is california being kind to you? do you ever think about me when you’re alone, when you are lonely, when the smoke and the sunlight and the strobe lights fail to chase away your thoughts like you’d always hope they would? do you remember when we found each other in being lost? when we were far too young to recognize the line between love and the idea of it? do you still want me? would you ever admit it? because the truth is we found each other trying to lose ourselves, and when i lost you, every day was a battle against your absence. i collapsed over you. i shed so much ink out of my pen it started to look like blood spilling out of my veins and as the months went on, i began not to care about the difference. i saw your eyes in hennessy bottles and rain that flung itself onto concrete and in every person in who saw my beauty and treated it with apathy. i mistook the end of our love for the end of love itself. i told myself i’d never find someone who cared like you, spoke like you, penetrated my mind like you. i told myself you were the last person to ever mean more than a night, a month, a kiss, or a regret to me. but you were never the ending of anything. i never should’ve been angry at you, because you were the beginning of all the love in my life. you were the first to show me i had the capability to cut myself open and spill open without a weapon. you were the first to show me i could fall in love without effort and my mind had room to fit the reality of someone else inside of its own drunken ramblings. thank you. thank you for showing me it is possible. thank you for finding me everywhere as a constant reminder. thank you for making me admire brown eyes again. thank you for allowing my limbs to grow in the absence of your skin. thank you for leading me to the person who will become the love of my life. i hope california is being kind to you. i hope i was kind to you. i hope you marry the love of your life.

— we found each other in trying to lose ourselves (ap 12.18.18)