regretdestruction-blog

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The Accident

He was high on methamphetamine. He didn’t stop at the red light. He hit a learner truck driver.

He didn’t die, he didn’t kill anyone, but he could have. 

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Him #3

We knew things were getting bad.. getting worse.. getting terrible..

A week after i ended things with Justin, we got a call from a hospital. Father had been in accident.. had CAUSED and accident.. was hurt. 

After the call, we were all quite broken, so off into the car we gathered and to the hospital we went. 

When i saw Father, helpless and sitting there. I was shocked. You see, i hadnt seen him in months. he has gone down such a bad path. he had aged, his hair was white, he was skinny and drawn in. I sat there. in the hospital room.. on the leather chair which smelt and was unbelievably uncomfortable. i didnt talk to him. I didnt say a word. i just looked at him. when he woke up he looked over at me and started crying. i didnt cry back. i was surprised by that. i looked into his eyes and i saw how pathetic, lonely and disgusting he had become. 

This marks the day i officialy cut all ties and ENDED my relationship with him. No messages, no calls, no conversations. 

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Boy

My boy. At least thats what he WAS to me. Sometimes, in my pathetic little mind, i like to pretend he still is. 

I met Justin when i was 15. I had started working at a restaurant in which he also worked at. he was 16. I guess you could say it was instant. I instantly fell. So young. My heart had fell completely. But my head didnt. I didnt know how to fall in love? What was love? How do you treat someone you love? Ive never seen it? This doesnt happen at home? HOME?! Do i need to tell him about home? Do i need to tell him about Father? about moana? about THEM?! HOW EMBARRASSING ..

he’ll want nothing to do with me.. OR... ORRRR even worse!!!! he’ll think he has to fix me. i dont want his pity? do i? No. I dont. i dont want him to feel sorry for me. maybe that will confuse him? maybe he’ll confuse love with the idea of being my hero and fixing me. and then we’d get together and get married and have babies and 10 years down the track hell realise he doesnt love me and he’ll go astray and leave me for someone like Moana and ill feel like i wasted his life, took away his opportunities, trapped him. I cant do that. I cant allow that. HOW CAN I BE THAT TERRIBLE PERSON?

this is what went through my head for four long years. every. single. day. I destroyed my mind with these thoughts and these thoughts in turn destroyed my heart. and i dont know if ill ever be able to come back from it. 

This may be ridiculous to you. How immature! What a self-absorbed idiot! 

He treated me like i was gold. like i was a GOD. i couldnt have asked for any boyfriend better than him. he was my first everything. My only everything. he is perfect and i am not worthy. i will never be worthy and i understand that, i just have trouble accepting it. 

After 3 years of ‘im not sure’ ‘i cant do it’ ‘no’, i finally let him in. If im honest, i didnt let him in all way. he deserved all the way and i fought with myself for not opening up all way, but thats how i was. thats how i thought it needed to be. 

I introduced him to my family and boy did they LOVE HIM. They just loved him. They let him in and they took him as their own. And oh my god, did he love them. it was perfect. it LOOKED perfect. It seemed perfect. It was perfect. 

But i know deep down that if i couldn’t personally deal with this family drama (lets just call it that) .. then how could i devote myself to him fully? i was so preoccupied. and he didnt deserve that. That wasnt fair. that wasnt okay.

And then i made the one decision that i will continue to regret for the rest of my life. I ended the one good thing in my life. The one thing that bought me happiness. I broke up with Justin.

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The Building

Hours and Hours and Hours and Hours. Countless hours at this building Father would spend. Doing what? doing WHO?

the hours became nights and soon enough, father wasnt sleeping at home. 

The long nights at the building attracted the wrong sorts of people, and over a long, stressful 3 years of sleeping out a terrible habit came about which bought along bad behaviour, negative attitudes, depression and a broken daughter,

(Stay tuned, continued in future)

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Breaking BAD

I guess finding out about Moana, and the fact that neither of them admitted to the wrong doing.. was the tip of the iceberg for mum. 

She wanted an out. I could see it. Home was awkward. Home wasnt home. 

I guess she thought that because me and my brother were under 18, she had to stick it out or something... how ridiculous! You would think in these times parents understand that being in a home of arguing and constant fighting is so much worse that having divorced parents. GET WITH THE TIMES OLD PEOPLE.

From this point on, Father spiraled downwards. 

We owned a building where hed store his work equipment. And slowly but surely, this small, run down building, became the reason behind the breaking BAD.

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HIM #2

After finding out about Moana, i lost faith in Father. I lost all respect and i disconnected. He realised this and took it harshly. He didnt cope well with it. He blamed my distance on my mum. VERBAL ABUSE. Verbal Abuse.

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HIM

Father is quite a person..

Im afraid that this post will not be similar to the ‘Mum’ post. Im afraid i cant say good things at this point in time.

He was verbally abusive. Always right apparently. Strong willed. Heaven forbid you ever said no. Heaven forbid you went against his orders.

If he was happy, everyone had to be happy. If he was angry, everyone better back the fuck up. 

You see Father loves me. I know he does. But I dont know if its that automatic kind of love that they say parents get..

He had this way about him.. where he made me doubt myself. You see my father thought i was a liar - and a great one at that. He thought i was deceptive, conniving, and a BAD person (ironic, isnt it?). 

If i would out with friends (girls, of course!), hed imply i was out with a guy. If i was at a party, hed say i was smoking, drinking and drugging. If i got a good grade, hed say i cheated, if i ate too much, hed say id get fat, if said i went shopping, again, hed say i was with a boy. If youre thinking ‘grow up and get over it’, ‘stick and stone’ etc. im sorry. I couldnt. it pushed me to a point of hate. a point of disgust and a point of no return.

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HER

Lets call her MOANA.

Moana was like a part of my family. Not directly related however one of those people who snake their way in. Get themselves involved. Include themselves in everything. She was trusted by my entire family - immediate AND extended. 

Invited to holidays with us. Invited over to nonnas for dinner. Invited to the family birthdays and overall would just drop in unannounced as if our home, was her home.

She was a beauty therapist. Fantastic at her job. Amazing listener. Funny. Attractive (but not SO attractive). She’d be an ideal fantasy i guess, if youre into that.

I would see her minimum 3 times a week. Grew up with Moana and trusted her. Almost even.. dare i say.. looked up to her. 

BOY WAS I WRONG. 

So when i used to her my beauty needs done (lol), id go to moana of course. Why wouldnt i!? Not only ‘part of my family’ but also gives me AWESOME discounts!!! What 15 year old would say no to that?! Along with my beauty appointments id get some lovely advice for a teen at the time. Almost as if she was like a mother - or at least trying to be?

My father would even drop in on my appointments time to time to say hi! Which was great at the time. Family with family. It wasnt until long after these appointments that i would think - how did he know id be there? at that time? who told him? why was he just.... dropping in? why would he stay after i left? what did he have to do there? he wasnt due for any beauty needs?

It wasnt until i found the texts - the texts that were the beginning of the long long long coming end.

Sometimes, you just have a feeling. You know that somethings not right.

My mother was the first to find out. She found the messages between Moana and Father. The disgusting, dirty, revolting, texts. She was gathering evidence i guess. She was in disbelief i guess. She was so sidetracked and caught off-guard that she made a big mistake. When printing the texts out, to have stored away. She mistakenly left them in the printer. my 15 year old nosy self went ahead.. and found the papers. the papers with the texts. the papers that proved he was unfaithful. the papers that proved i was lied to. the papers that first destroyed my ability to trust anyone.

How could this happen? How could this happen. The deception. The lies. THE FAKE FUCKING BITCH WHO TRIED TO BE A ROLE MODEL. WHO TRIED TO BE SOMEONE I COULD RELY ON. WHO WOULD CALL ME JUST TO TALK. YOU ARE A FAKE SAD PERSON MOANA AND I HOPE THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN MY 15 YEAR OLD SELF FELT. I HOPE NO ONE EVER GETS SO CLOSE TO YOU JUST SO THEY CAN GET CLOSER WITH ANOTHER PERSON. I HOPE YOU NEVER FEEL THAT BETRAYAL BECAUSE THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST.

Im sorry if im jumping from spot to spot. Im rehashing this from memories i stored so far deep in the back of mind that when i draw upon them, things become jumbled, mixed, different.

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PLEASE NOTE

All the names throughout my posts are CHANGED. I would NEVER post such personal stories with true identities. That is my decision. Respect it or dont. I didnt ask for your permission.

*SOME facts may be altered for the purpose of this page. It is public and i am not stupid enough to release everything* #DUH

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Mum

Shes superwoman. Wonderwoman. Jean Grey. She-Hulk. EVEERYTHING.

So many people look up to their mums. They see them as strong, powerful women. And i love that. Everyone should love their mums. They should appreciate them. Adore them. 

My mum is my HERO. After the last 7 years, from the death of aunty, my eyes have been opened and ive witnesses one of the most amazing people in this world simply live on and do what they can with what they have. Not let anything catch her off guard. Be aware of her surroundings and alert at all times. Be reactive AND proactive at the same time.

Dependable. Giving. A saint of the like. 

My mum was destroyed through the death of a sister, destroyed through the wreckening of her husband, destroyed through a broken family, an angry father, a judging family, and children who just didnt quite understand.

(I understand everyones circumstances are different. If things with your mum are not sunshine and rainbows - you are not alone. I do not intend to offend)

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Famiglia

My family is LARGE. Im italian so what do you expect? We are all close. Extremely close. We are all in eachothers business. Always. 

I love it.

My weekends usually consist of an aunties birthday, a cousins birthday, a cousins christening, a cousin of a cousins wedding, a friend of a cousins counsin’s engagement, and so on.. (i think you get it).

What im trying to say is that they occupy a MASSIVE part of my life. They always have, and they always will.

So when my aunty passed away in August 2011, things took a turn for the worse. She was my mums closest family member and BEST friend. They grew up together. They went on holidays together. They brought their kids up together. They were INSEPARABLE. So when aunty’s cancer came back after 10 years in remission, it was hard to take in. When she took her last breath, she took a part of my mum with her. A part that ill never see again and a part that i miss dearly. 

My mum was lost, angry, let-down, alone. At least thats how she felt. At least thats how I felt that she felt. 

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TAKE IT BACK

So i guess i need to explain the reason for all of this.. its your typical ‘mum and dad fight, separate, break up, divorce without the divorce’. But i guess its the finer details in my story which make it that little more..... special (probably an inappropriate adjective to use)

From what i can remember.. this began when i was in year 9. I was 15 at the time.. 

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No sense

I guess I learnt to not let anyone in the moment i began to feel embarrassed about my circumstances. Which doesnt make sense really. Because i had no reason to be embarrassed.. i mean, i had done nothing wrong? As well as that, its not like i didnt have an amazing support circle.. i had the friends, the family, the boyfriend. 

NOTE: ‘HAD’

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The Start

My first blog. Half of me is hoping that no one will ever read this. That this will only be a place for my to just let it all out. All of it. Everything. But another part of me wants you to all see. To all read and to all just know exactly how it is. This isn’t about my spelling, my punctuation, my sentence structure. It’s just a way for me to release..

They say you should always have one person. Whether it’s family or friends or just, anyone, I guess. 

So this is my way. My way of letting it all out without actually letting anyone in. I guess thats what I’m good at, not letting anyone in. Hm..