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The Middle School Relationship Is Dead (As We Knew It)

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The Middle School Relationship Is Dead (As We Knew It)

Nervous looks. Passing notes. Gossip around the lunch table. The middle school relationship is an iconic coming-of-age staple that has remained unchanged for decades. But smartphones and apps have fundamentally transformed how kids, you know, “like-like” each other. The youths of Gen Z are communicating more than any generation before them, while simultaneously cutting off human connection at the thumbs. So what does this cocktail produce? We consulted with current and recent middle-schoolers about what it’s like to “hang out” in the age of the iPhone.

What's In

Instagram

“Instagram is to remind that person you went to camp with three years ago that you are still pretty, or for guys to follow and see if it’s worth it to DM you.” It all starts here. Slide into the direct messages of your crush—it’s the new passing notes. Post those pictures you curated perfectly with captions subtle enough to make potential suitors wonder if you’re talking about them. When you’re tired of talk and gather up the courage, ask for their Snapchat handle.

Snapchat

“On Snapchat is where ‘DLing’ is pretty frequent. DLing is when you’re with someone and you hook up with other people but don’t tell anyone.” Kids flirting with photos that conveniently disappear, what could go wrong? (Don’t worry though: You still don’t have to talk—or even look at each other—at school.) Without parents or other kids able to see what you’re doing in there, things can escalate quickly. If your relationship is “lowkey,” Snap is where it’ll stay. If you want to “be a thing,” you’ve got to get old school.

See more from the Life Issue. April 2018. Subscribe to WIRED.

Nik Mirus

Text

“Texting is more personal because I’m not going to give my number to just anyone.” Yes, the phone number is still sacred. Now your thumbs can fly in conversation all day long. The relationship likely still remains a secret, and you have no idea how many other people they’re doing this with, but that’s not anxiety inducing or anything. Right?! This is also where relationships can die. Breaking up over text isn’t a faux pas, it’s normal.

What's Out

Human Connection

Kids—and most adults—are of course more bold via text than they would be otherwise. If you have an app intermediary, why muster up the courage to hold someone’s hand when you can go so much further from a safe distance? Because these interactions aren’t on public display, it’s impossible to tell how many of these relationships one kid might have. And lest you might think human connection is a skill they’ll have to learn someday, look around. Thanks to the dawn of dating apps, they won’t be needing that courage as adults either.

Inside Oracle High • Call Me, Maybe • The New Cyber Troops • Comp Sci Diversity • Paths to Early Stardom • Why Teens Don't Drive • In Love on Strava • Solving Health Issues at All Stages

This article appears in the April issue. Subscribe now.

Read more: http://edition.cnn.com/

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I Know Cheating In A Relationship Has Been...

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I Know Cheating In A Relationship Has Been...

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Cancel your relationship. The Norwegian curling team is your Valentine now.

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Cancel your relationship. The Norwegian curling team is your Valentine now.

(CNN)Look at these pants, y’all. These are some good pants. These pink, heart-littered confections are the kind of pants you can only get away with if you are competing in a curling match at the Winter Olympics. Oh sure, when Olympic athletes wear these pants they’re “trendsetting” and “champions” but when you wear them you’re “tacky” and “not allowed outside the house looking like that.”

Incidentally, the Norwegians are the OGs of stylish curling pants. Norwegian skip Thomas Ulsrud started the trend during the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver because he decided the black pants the team wore were too boring. He is also on the 2018 team that has brought us to a new curling pants peak. Absolute legend.

“The team enjoys it, having these colorful pants,” the Norway curling team’s spokesman Lars Otto Bjørnland told CNN in 2014 during the Sochi Games. “People find it very exciting to see the team in these trousers.”

Bjørnland is correct. Watching curling is very stressful. We know everyone involved is trying hard and doing a great job but we’re not sure how or why anything is happening. These pants bring us peace. More! Give us more pants!

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Your relationship has hit a 'rough patch.' Now what?

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Your relationship has hit a 'rough patch.' Now what?

(CNN)You buy a sports car, start hitting the gym and have an affair: It’s the stereotypical midlife crisis, one we’ve seen played out both onscreen and in real life.

Although not everyone acts out middle-age angst in such a way, many of us do experience a reckoning or longing as we approach midlife, the feeling of hitting a wall and wondering if there isn’t more to life — and in, particular, to marriage.

I often see this phenomenon in my own practice, as one or both partners begin to question their relationship. Even in younger couples, disagreements over classic issues such as finances, parenthood and sex can lead to concerns that they may not be on the same page regarding many of life’s greatest stressors and demands.

But are such couples headed for divorce, or are they simply mired in difficulties that could be better navigated together?

In her new book, “The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together,” psychologist Daphne de Marneffe argues that it’s often entirely possible for couples to weather these and other bumps in the road, coming out stronger on the other side.

According to de Marneffe, it’s not only common but natural for today’s couples to experience rough patches. In the past, marriage was often an economic arrangement based on a division of labor and child-rearing. Now, we want a partner in love, too. And we live longer than ever. “We aspire to close, intimate marriages, but emotions can be complicated and inconvenient,” she explains. “We want to have it all in a relationship, but that can be challenging.”

Here, she shares some advice for couples trying to get out of midlife rough patches, as well as for younger couples hoping to avoid them altogether.

Develop your communication skills

Good communication is key, de Marneffe says — not just the ability to discuss critical relationship issues but to know what you want and express that. “We get hung up on the idea of having a lot in common with a potential partner,” she says. “That’s all well and good, but your ability to communicate in a healthy way is more important.”

You might be uncomfortable expressing your needs and desires at first, but learning how is the single most beneficial step you can take. And you’ll probably save yourselves some unnecessary arguments when you realize that you can’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader.

Work on yourself

It’s tempting to expect our partners to change to suit our preferences, but the tough work in marriage starts with yourself: If you don’t know what you want or how to articulate that, how can you expect your partner to know? Work at it on your own or with a therapist to learn how to express your emotions.

“I’m suggesting a paradigm shift in the way we view relationships,” de Marneffe says. “It’s not all about your partner — it’s about changing yourself, too.”

Talk about big issues early on

In “The Rough Patch,” de Marneffe gives advice for tackling a variety of major relationship demands, including one of the biggest issues for many couples: money.

Of course, when you’re newly in love, hashing out finances is hardly sexy. “Money seems far too mundane to discuss for couples in the first blush of romance, but it can be a huge source of stress,” she says. “Good communication skills will help you talk sooner rather than later about difficult subjects, including financial concerns.”

Learn to listen

Self-awareness and self-responsibility are critical ingredients to a successful marriage, de Marneffe says. Even if you’re still in the process of working on your own issues, simply expressing that to your partner can make a difference in your relationship.

For instance, if you tend to interrupt your partner or act dismissive of their feelings, you can acknowledge that you’re aware of the problem and are trying to change. “You can say, ‘I know that how I act affects you, I’m sorry, and I’m working on it,’ ” she says. “Your partner will feel heard and understood — and that’s what we all want.”

Redefine success

If you’ve both given it your best shot and have concluded that you’re not just in a rough patch, there’s no shame in parting ways. “Not every divorce is a failure,” de Marneffe says. “Some divorcing couples understand each other better than some married couples do. If you can come to a compassionate and responsible decision about your relationship, sometimes that’s better for everyone.”

See the latest news and share your comments with CNN Health on Facebook and Twitter.

“The Rough Patch” can be beneficial for both single people and couples. One great way to introduce the topic into your relationship: follow de Marneffe’s suggestion and read the first chapter together with your partner.

Read more: http://edition.cnn.com/

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Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

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Louise Redknapp: Strictly put the fire back in my belly but it didnt break up my relationship

For 19 years, the former Eternal star gave up everything to play housewife to her famous footballer husband. So what does it feel like to have walked out on that life and reinvented herself?

The night before I meet Louise Redknapp, I go to see her in her latest West End show, 9 to 5 The Musical. She plays Violet, the character made famous by Lili Tomlin in the classic 1980 film, and in many ways the most obviously feminist character in the story. Redknapp herself is very enjoyable to watch, stomping around the stage, furiously pointing out that men get promotions for laughing at the bosss jokes while she is not even thanked for making the coffee. But, not long ago, this casting would have seemed bizarre.

Redknapp has been in the public eye for a quarter of a century, but she has never exactly been associated with feminism. After studying at the Italia Conti stage school, Louise Nurding, as she was then known, shot to fame at the age of 18 in the early 90s girl group Eternal, and then cemented her celebrity status by achieving that ultimate 90s ambition, marrying a footballer Jamie Redknapp, the son of manager Harry. Their telegenic union the pretty pop star and equally pretty sports star predated the Beckhams, but the Redknapps were a less flashy proposition. When their first child was born, in 2004, she quit her by then solo music career to live in what she frequently described as domestic bliss. Redknapp came across as sweet, unthreatening and a bit bland, and seemed destined for a contented life as a Surrey housewife with her two sons, Charley, now 14, and Beau, 10, living among the footballing dynasty. But then, in 2017, Redknapp did something that no one expected: she walked out of her marriage.

I meet Redknapp, 44, in a room in the Savoy hotel in London, just above the theatre where she is appearing in 9 to 5. As well as performing tonight, she will spend the afternoon finishing work on her upcoming album, Heavy Love, her first in 18 years, which will be released in October. Whatever emotional toll her divorce which was finalised in December 2017 has exacted on her, it has certainly motivated, or freed, her professionally.

Redknapp as Violet Newstead (centre) with Natalie McQueen and Amber Davies in 9 to 5 The Musical. Photograph: Simon Turtle

In tight black trousers, ankle boots and a loose dark top, her hair long and highlighted in various shades of gold and auburn, she looks almost identical to how she did in her pop heyday. She embraces me with the easy warmth of one who is very practised in the art of making strangers like her.

Did you see the show last night? Did you like it? Its fun, right? Oh good, Im so glad. You liked it, right? she says with more nervousness than I had expected: she was the one, after all, who chose a new storyline, and walked away.

We talk about the show, and Redknapp eagerly brings up how timely its revival is, off the back of the #MeToo movement. She insists she never experienced any sexual harassment when she was working as a 90s pop star and appearing in mens magazines: Maybe because I was so young, she suggests, which isnt the most credible reason. Or maybe because [Eternal] were so successful so quickly, so the record company cocooned us, she adds, which seems more plausible.

And yet she does feel a personal connection to 9 to 5: You know, its about female empowerment and I think Im at a stage of my life when I really need that, to stand up and be strong, she says.

Although Redknapp makes frequent references during our conversation to her gang of girlfriends, seeing her onstage the night before was the first time I had seen her surrounded by women since her Eternal days. For the past 20 years, whenever she was photographed she was invariably with her husband. I tell her it always surprised me that she was never part of the group of high-profile wives and girlfriends of other footballers, given how ready-made she seemed for that role. But she was never photographed out having a laugh with Colleen Rooney and Cheryl Cole. I think Jamie, being that slightly bit more old school, didnt want any of that. His sport is what comes first, no circus around it. So I just kept to myself, she says.

When Redknapp confirmed, in September 2017, that her seemingly perfect marriage was over, the circus around the two of them could hardly have been more hysterical. While the British public is very used to footballers leaving their wives, no one seemed to know what to make of the narrative being reversed.

It was more mutual than that but, yes, I moved out, she says, carefully, when I ask if she initiated the divorce. She was followed by battalions of paparazzi every night and the celebrity press tutted at her late nights on the town (to the theatre, where, at the time, she was starring in Cabaret).

With Jamie Redknapp in 2010, seven years before they split up. Photograph: Paul Grover/Rex/Shutterstock

At around the same time, Wayne Rooney was accused, again, of infidelity when he was caught drink driving with a young woman who was not his wife. But whereas Rooneys actions were treated with a benign just-Wayne-being-Wayne shrug by the public, Redknapp was nationally castigated for having a midlife crisis and abandoning her children. Did she notice the disparity between the coverage of the two stories?

I did. I felt it. And I felt really, really bullied. It made me want to scream. Just because I went back to work and my marriage wasnt working out doesnt mean I wasnt with my kids, she says with a rod of fury in her voice. And, yeah, when I was in Cabaret I wasnt putting them to bed every night, but its no different to a man in the City working late.

Or Jamie doing late-night football commentary? Yeah, on A League of Their Own. Jamie would then take the kids on holiday and the papers would say: Oh, what an amazing dad. And he is an amazing dad; I cannot say a bad word about Jamie when it comes to being a dad. But no one patted me on the back when Id taken the kids on Easter holiday on my own for the past 10 years. Jamie had to work doing the football, it was school holidays, so Id take them on holiday and never once did anyone say: What a great mum. It was really tough sitting back and not speaking up.

There was such widespread bafflement at Redknapps decision to leave her marriage that there was inevitable speculation about why. Many cited Strictly Come Dancing, on which Redknapp had appeared the previous year, and its record of ending relationships. Strictly put the fire back in my belly, but it didnt break up my relationship. After 20 years of marriage, it takes a lot more than that, scoffs Redknapp.

It was also suggested that Redknapp was having an affair with the model Daisy Lowe, who had appeared on Strictly with her. Redknapp reels back against the sofa when I mention this.

I really think the double standards were coming into play there, she says. Because people were adamant there had to be a specific reason for you leaving your husband? She nods: Yeah, and Daisy and I only went out together four times or something. So the idea [that I left my husband for Lowe] I remember my kids saying: Mum, are you going out with Daisy Lowe? And I had to say: Guys, no. I became peoples morning entertainment while they read their paper on the train and ate their croissant. I tried to laugh it off, but the damage these stories were doing to me and those around me was huge.

Redknapp or Louise Nurding as she was then with her Eternal bandmates in 1994. Photograph: Tony Larkin/Rex/Shutterstock

In order to understand the end of a marriage it is necessary to understand its beginnings and, for all the lurid speculation, the path that led the Redknapps to divorce was all too prosaic. When they married in 1998, she was at least as big a star as him, but she happily gave up her music career to be a wife and mother: It took me so long to get pregnant the first time four years so I was just so in love with my little boy, she says. And, for the first seven or eight years, it was quite nice to not have to worry about where your records going, or if people like you. But as time went on, Id drop the kids off at school, go home, walk the dogs and then go home and think: I have five hours until school pick-up. Thats a long day. It was fine when they were young, because Id pick them up at 12. Then it changed; theyre at school and doing sport, Jamie was doing his thing, and there was pure panic. I was lonely and I felt like I had nothing to say.

Redknapp and her ex-husband have been careful in speaking only positively of one another throughout their divorce, but hints of other narratives shine through the cracks. She refers to him as a family man and their marriage as traditional, and while he grew up in a close, old-fashioned family, she was the daughter of a very independent working mum, and, yes, maybe subconsciously, she agrees, that might have created some problems between them. She was not a football fan (No, never, she says, firmly and proudly), so I ask if it was ever a tiny bit dull being ensconced with the Redknapps, given that her then husband, father-in-law and husbands cousin, Frank Lampard, are all football royalty. I think I just got used to it, she says with a winning smile.

Redknapps explanation about the split is that she had low self-esteem and didnt feel able to say she wanted to start working again, and in no way was that her ex-husbands fault. I wish Id spoken up and said how I felt, but I thought everyone would think I was nuts and say: Why are you low? Look at you, youre so lucky.

But if you had spoken up, would Jamie have been OK with you going back on the stage and in the studio? She pauses: I dont know. But at least Id have known I tried, she says.

So it was easier to leave than to say anything? Her voice drops: Maybe. We women dont make it easy for ourselves.

Given Strictlys record of ending relationships, I ask if she agreed to be on the show because she saw it as a way out of her marriage. You know, I like to think no. I like to think not at all. I think I just went into Strictly looking for something to do.

These days, Jamie still lives in the Surrey family home and Redknapp is a few minutes away and they share custody of their children. It is clear that she feels liberated by her divorce, so I ask if she plans to revert to her maiden name. She looks poleaxed by the suggestion. Ummm no. Its such a mum thing, but the thought of not having the same name as my kids, I could cry thinking about it. But maybe if Jamie gets married Id have to change it I dont know how that works, she says with an anxious giggle.

This leads us to talking about dating, and whereas Jamie has been photographed with several women, Redknapp has remained single. Its really hard for women. Im beginning to think Im never going to meet anyone Ive not been out for a meal, just me and a guy in a restaurant, in two years. That makes me sound really sad, doesnt it?

It takes a while to get over a 19-year marriage. Yeah, I think its easier for men, she says.

With her dance partner Kevin Clifton on Strictly Come Dancing in 2016. Photograph: PA/Guy Levy/BBC

It doesnt upset her when she sees her ex-husband out with other women (But, yes, of course, its hard for the boys. I tell them, Dads a single man and hes doing nothing wrong, she says). Sometimes, though, it is a bit strange. The day before we meet, he was photographed with the British model Lizzie Bowden, who was widely described in the press as a Louise Redknapp lookalike. It is kinda weird! And then I start looking at them thinking, Do they look like me? But hes got his taste, she says with a shrug.

I like Redknapp. Yes, she has that tendency, common to graduates of stage school, of affecting immediate intimacy, but there is an emotional honesty to her that is almost certainly born from the ordeal of the past two years. It is impossible not to cheer for a woman who for so long was defined in relation to others first a pop group, then a husband taking the risk to strike out on her own. And although many were surprised when she left her high-profile marriage, there has long been a more independent streak in her than her hotter-than-average girl-next-door image suggested. She did, after all, leave Eternal in 1995 after their hugely successful debut album to launch her solo career.

Id just had enough, she says. We were very different and had different directions. We werent harmonised. Girl bands are tough.

Does she mean they were fighting? Not fighting, just, um, different, she says, diplomatically.

She talks excitedly about her plans for the next decade: more albums, more musicals, and, of course, bringing up two teenagers.

But what Id really like to do is buy the rights to a movie and produce a stage show from it, she says.

Any in particular? Thelma and Louise, she replies, and smiles.

Louise Redknapps new single, Stretch, is out now. She appears in 9 to 5 The Musical until 29 June

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

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Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

Esther Perels breathtakingly frank therapy podcasts Where should we begin not only make for juicy listening, theyve revitalised the stale private lives of millions. Miranda Sawyer listens to the psychotherapist

Passion has always existed, says Esther Perel. People have known love forever, but it never existed in the context of the same relationship where you have to have a family and obligations. And reconciling security and adventure, or love and desire, or connection and separateness, is not something you solve with Victorias Secret. And there is no Victors Secret. This is a more complicated existential dilemma. Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem that you solve. It is a paradox that you manage.

Ooh, Perel is a great lunch date. All psychotherapists are, in my experience, but shes particularly interesting. Sex, relationships, children; she covers them all in the two hours we spend together. But also collective trauma, migration, otherness, freedom all the good stuff.

Perel is a practising couples and family therapist who lives in New York. Aside from her clinical work she counsels around 12 couples or individuals each week she has two best-selling books: one about maintaining desire in long-term relationships (Mating in Captivity), the other about infidelity (The State of Affairs). She has released two fascinating podcast series, called Where Should We Begin?, where listeners get to listen in on real-life couples having therapy with her. The podcast is where I first came across her its won a British Podcast Award, a Gracie Award in the States and was named as the Number One podcast by GQ.

On top of all this, she hosts workshops and lectures as well as the inevitable TED talks, one of which has been watched more than 5m times. I went to one of her London appearances earlier this year. Alain de Botton was the host and he introduced Perel with quite some hyperbole, calling her one of the greatest people alive on Earth right now. (Perel dismissed this afterwards, though she likes de Botton: He put me on such a platter.)

Esther Perel sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

The reason for Perels popularity is her clear eye on modern relationships. She says, rightly, that we expect much more from our marriages and long-term relationships than we used to. For centuries, marriage was framed within duty, rather than love. But now, love is the bedrock. We have a service model of relationships, she says to me. Its the quality of the experience that matters. She has a great turn of phrase: The survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple. Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier. We will have many relationships over the course of our lives. Some of us will have them with the same person.

For a while, Perel wasnt taken particularly seriously by the therapist community: she tells me that when Mating in Captivity came out in 2006, it was only the sexologists that thought it was great. This is because her thinking went against long-established relationship wisdom, namely that if you fix the relationship through talking therapy, then the sex will fix itself. Perel does not agree. She says that, yes, this might work, but I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.

We meet in a boutique hotel in Amsterdam, where Perel orders her food in fluent Dutch. She has a light Belgian accent (she says boat for both), and she wears some delicate gold jewellery, a bit like the Indian hath panja, on her right hand. (Both of these seem to excite American journalists, along with Perels good looks. A relationship therapist who you might fancy, shocker!)

We begin talking about her podcast series. Its an astonishing listen, partly because you get to earwig other peoples problems (always great) and partly because Esthers methods are so flexible: in the first series she got one young woman to wear a blindfold while her partner inhabited a more assertive sexual character, which he did by speaking in French. She sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally: Who the hell told you that BS?

Series three, released next month, is slightly different to the last two. This time round Perel very deliberately chooses couples at different stages, because she wants to show an arc of a relationship, all the way to its end. Also, she says, I wanted to bring in the way that relationships exist in a larger, social, cultural, context. That context often gives a script about how one should think about suicide, about gender, about divorce and so forth. So we hear from a young couple coping with enforced distance in their relationship: one is US-born and the other is Mexican, without a US visa. Another is a mother and her child, who does not identify as either gender. Another couple, with a young child, have divorced, but seem to get along much better now: why?

Perel finds her podcast therapees via her Facebook page: they apply in their thousands. Her podcast producers sift through, using guidelines that Perel suggests them: this time round she knew she wanted to cover infertility and also suicide. Then theres a lengthy pre-recording interview process where its explained to the couples that, yes, this really is going on air and, yes, they might be recognised (from their voices; theyre anonymous otherwise). Are you OK in understanding that your story will become a collective story? You will be giving so much to others, as well. Its not just for you, actually. And then they have a one-off session with Perel for three to four hours, edited down to around 45 minutes for the podcast.

She loves the format. The intimacy of it, the private listening of it, the fact that you dont see them, thus you see yourself. You hear them but you see you. It reflects you in the mirror. But also, surely, its quite exposing for you? Oh yes. People can come and hear me give a talk, but theyve never seen me do the work and you cant talk about what you do. But when you write a book, that is the first part of exposure. Then comes TED and the podcast. If you ask, What does Perel do? My colleagues know how I do.

Perel is 60 now; I wondered how she found being a relationship therapist when she was younger, in her 20s. Werent clients put off by her youth? Actually, Ive always found that the age of the clients goes up with me, she says. It mirrors. I dont know why. She doesnt think lived experience is necessary, though sometimes she wonders how she had the chutzpah to counsel parents before she became one herself (now she has two grown-up sons; shes still married to their dad, Jack Saul, who is a professor and an expert in psychosocial trauma). But then I have worked a lot with addiction, and Im not an addict.

Interestingly, she came to therapy via drama. Drama and collective trauma. She was the second child of Polish Jews who came to Belgium as Holocaust survivors (Perels first passport was a stateless passport of the UN). In Belgium, they became part of a community of 15,000 Jewish refugees.

Loss, trauma, dismantlement of the community, immigration, refugees All these themes that I observe in the world today, were basically mothers milk to me, she says. Everybody had an accent, a good number of people had the number on their arms. There were no grandparents around, there were no uncles. Its all I knew. Its different than if it was just your parents. Its every home I went to. One of Perels earliest memories is of card games where her parents would talk of a friend, and someone would say, casually, Ah, he was gassed, he didnt make it.

Perels parents had her older brother in 1946, then she came along 12 years later. This was not uncommon. When people came out of the camps, the first thing they did to prove that they were still human was to have a child. They waited to get their periods back, and then they had a child. But then there was a gap of 8, 10, 12 years before they had another. Perel thinks this was because the parents needed to establish themselves in society. Hers ran a clothes shop in Antwerp. The family lived above the shop. They spoke five languages: Polish, Yiddish, German, French and Flemish. Every evening they watched the news in German, French and Flemish, to get a good all-round view.

Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier: Esther Perel. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

As a teenager, she was interested in psychology, mostly because she hated the strictness of school. She read Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child-Rearing, about a British school run like a democracy, and from there she moved to Freud. I was interested in understanding myself better and in people around me. People dynamics. I was quite melancholic and I was often wondering, How does one live better? How do you talk to your mother so she understands you better? Id say the primary ingredient I had was curiosity. I was a massively curious person I still am. She was also a good listener a confidante for her friends. I tell her she would have made a great journalist, and she agrees: That would have been my other career.

After school she went to study in Jerusalem, a university course that combined French linguistics and literature. More importantly, she developed her interest in theatre, which had begun in early adolescence. I assumed she was an actor, but shes talking of improv and street theatre, with puppets, of all things. Big ones, you hold them on two long high sticks, or I did hand puppets. She liked the immediate contact with people and gradually, she found herself merging these skills with her studies, doing theatre with gangs,with street girls,with Druze,with foreign students. At one point she went to Paris to study under Augusto Boal, who created the Theatre of the Oppressed. He would stage fake crises in everyday situations: actors pretending to have a physical row on the Metro, for instance. Perel found it interesting to see which passers-by would get involved and which would turn away.

She moved to New York to do her Masters. She specialised in identity and immigration How is the experience of the migrant different if it is voluntary migration or forced migration? and in how minority communities relate to each other. She led workshops for what were then called mixed couples: interracial, intercultural, interreligious. I knew the cultural issues. I knew how to run a group. I dont think I knew much about couples dynamics.

Around that time her husband, who is a few years older than her, suggested she might enjoy systemic family therapy. I ask what this is. For a long time when people looked at a problem, they thought the problem is located within the person, says Perel. But systemic family therapy thinks that a family, or a relationship, is made up of interdependent parts. What is the interactive dynamic that preserves this thing, that makes this child not go to bed? That makes this man never get a job? That makes this son be such a nincompoop? How is the family system organised around it? You need two to create a pattern, or three or four or five.

Its interesting how therapy has trends, I say, and how those trends manifest themselves in actual life. Couples therapy goes in parallel to the cultural changes and the expectations in a culture, says Perel. During the 1980s her married clients didnt come to her because their sex life was bad, they came because of domestic violence or alcoholism, not because we dont talk any more. Back then, the shame was to get divorced at all, even if one half cheated; now its not to get divorced if one half cheats. She saw clients having problems with infertility, the changing role of women and daughters, the Aids crisis. In the 90s, single mothers, blended families, gay couples with kids. Todays problems, she says, are often centred around people marrying later, after a sexually nomadic youth. Also, modern fatherhood dads wanting to be more involved in childcare and monogamy versus polyamory. Straight couples are becoming more gay, gay couples more straight.

The obvious question, of course, which she has been asked many times, is how Perels own relationship works. She doesnt like to give too many details, but what she does say is that she and Saul give each other a lot of freedom If youve had an interesting life, you have more to bring back, something that energises the couple and that they renegotiate their relationship as it changes. At the moment her husband is entering what she calls a third stage, and he wants to paint more. This means he will be away from New York a lot, while she is usually in New York or travelling herself. We need to, once again, come up with a new rhythm of how we create separateness and togetherness. Its a fundamental task.

She wants others not to copy her own relationship, but to use her work as a way to better their own relationship for themselves. And plenty do. Just the other week a young woman came up to her and asked for a selfie. She said, My boyfriend listens to you all the time, and he comes home and he says, Have you listened to this episode, we need to talk? The podcast is a transitional object, a bridge for conversation. Like a teddy bear that you hold and you say: Its OK, dont be worried.

Like when couples talk through their dog, I say.

Yes, she says. There is such disarray and such hunger about getting help on how we manage our relationships today, on navigating the challenges For the first time we have the freedom of being able to design our relationships in a way that we were never capable of doing before, or allowed to do before. So, I dont give the details of my relationship. Instead I will give you the tools to come up with your own thing.

Season 3 of Esther Perels Where Should We Begin is available exclusively on Audible from 5 October

Try this at home

Three ways to change the way you think about your partner at home

Pay attention to what is important to the other What happens in a couple is that we often give to the other what we want them to give to us. If somebody is upset, you dont talk to them, because when you are upset you like to be left alone. It isnt necessarily what they need.

Roles are often patterns rather than habits If you really want the other person to take out the rubbish, you have to be able to spend two weeks not doing it. You dont say anything. You just wait until the other person finally notices it. When youre not there, the other person sorts the bin. They can do it. Its just that when youre there theyd prefer not to.

Women are not less interested in sex than men, theyre less interested in the sex they can have What makes women lose that interest? Domesticity. Motherhood. The mother thinks about others the whole time. The mother is not busy focusing on herself. In order to be turned on you have to be focused on yourself in the most basic way. The same woman whos numb in the house gets turned on when she leaves. She doesnt need hormones. Change the story.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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41 Cynical Comics I Created To Deal With A Breakup After A 15-Year Relationship

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/41-cynical-comics-i-created-to-deal-with-a-breakup-after-a-15-year-relationship/

41 Cynical Comics I Created To Deal With A Breakup After A 15-Year Relationship

I started creating @JustJohnComics as a coping mechanism to deal with a break-up after a 15-year relationship.

John started out as someone who everybody should hate (and was portrayed after the person responsible for the split), but – as time passed and life got better – gradually he turned into a normal character with everyday issues. These are the comics I wanted to share with you all.

Other comics are available on Instagram.

#1 John Ordering A Hot Dog

#2 Doggo Craving For Atten-John

#3 John Orders On Uber Eats – Part 1

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#4 LEGO – Use Your Imagina-John

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#5 Public Transporta-John

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#6 John Orders On Uber Eats – Part 2

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#7 Proverbs With John 1 – The Early Bird Catches The Worm

#8 Meddling In A Conversa-John

#9 Illu-John

#10 Satan’s December Blues!

#11 A Christmas Tradi-John!

#12 It’sa Me, John!

#13 Johnstagram

#14 Fullmetal! Birth Of The Cactus Rabbits

#15 Home Decora-John

#16 Merry Christmas!

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#17 Fokking Tomatte

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#18 Watch Out For Extor-John!

#19 The Ori-John Story

#20 Upcoming Elecjohns

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#21 Johnny Playstation

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#22 …and All The Single Ladies Wait In Line

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#23 …and So He Became John Solo

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#24 On The Verge Of Starva-John

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#25 Also Height Is The Most Important Thing Ever

#26 Enjoy 2019 Everyone

#27 West Virjohnia

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#28 Alien Resurrecjohn

#29 The Nemesis Returns

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#30 Just John

#31 Monday Johnday

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#32 Hope Your Weekend Is Better Than This One

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#33 Oh Johnny-Boy, We’re On To You

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#34 You’d Better Get That Looked At

#35 Armaged-John

#36 Just John

http://www.boredpanda.com/

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Undercover officer fired over relationship

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/undercover-officer-fired-over-relationship/

Undercover officer fired over relationship

Image caption Det Con Jim Boyling worked for the now-disbanded Special Demonstrations Squad

A former undercover police officer has been sacked from the Met after having a sexual relationship with a woman in a campaign group he was targeting.

Det Con Jim Boyling, who worked for the Special Demonstrations Squad (SDS), was found guilty of gross misconduct.

Using the name Sutton he infiltrated the campaign group Reclaim The Streets and had relationships with three women.

Det Con Boyling has accused Scotland Yard of having “selective amnesia” about what he had previously told them.

It is the first time such a finding has been made in relation to an undercover officer.

The Met said his actions had been “unacceptable”.

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Media caption‘Rosa’ says her sense of reality has been taken away from her (picture posed by model)

Posing as a fellow anti-roads protester, the officer had relationships with women in the group.

When the third woman, known only as Rosa for legal reasons, tracked him down in 2001 they resumed the relationship and the officer subsequently revealed his true identity.

They married and had two children but she left him six years later, accusing the officer of not only tricking her into the first relationship, but psychologically manipulating her into getting back together and forming a family.

Image copyright Guardian

Image caption Det Con Boyling used the name Jim Sutton when he infiltrated the anti-roads campaign group

During the week-long disciplinary hearing, a panel heard allegations the officer had begun a sexual relationship with Rosa “without authorisation and without a policing purpose”.

The panel ruled this amounted to gross misconduct.

It further ruled the officer had failed to disclose the relationship to his superiors and he broke strict police rules by admitting to Rosa he was an undercover officer.

“Undercover policing is an important and lawful tactic, but it must never be abused,” Deputy Assistant Commissioner Richard Martin said.

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Media captionEnvironmental campaigner “Monica” said she was tricked into a sexual relationship with Det Con Boyling

Det Con Boyling, who was an officer for 30 years, said: “The disciplinary charge from the Met specifies that I had a relationship which constituted misconduct because it was ‘without a police purpose’.

“The position of the Met appears to be that a relationship entered into as an operational tactic is acceptable, but a genuine one resulting in marriage and children constitutes misconduct.”

He said he used his real name and registered his occupation as a police officer on the marriage certificate and both birth certificates, and that Rosa knew he had worked undercover. He also made a written declaration of his marriage to the Met’s vetting unit.

“The Met does a good line in selective amnesia, as indeed they do in selective disclosure,” he added.

Det Con Boyling said he did not contest the Met disciplinary hearing because he could not afford to stay in London during the proceedings, and did not wish to drag former colleagues and his ex-wife through the process.

However, he said he would give evidence to the public inquiry into undercover policing.

The Metropolitan Police has already made an unreserved apology to Rosa and 11 other women who had relationships with undercover officers and has paid out substantial sums in settlements to the women.