riverbabee

[riverbabee]

May 5th, 2024

Wow...LET ME JUST SAY WOW...

So much has happened. I am so excited to write today. I'm glad I am laying in bed, with my Millie, and enjoying my night at my sisters house.

Okay, so for some reason a lot of things started to align!

My boyfriend finally got a great job and we are going to move in together in 2 months! 2 months!!!!!!!!!

Our dream to being together is finally coming true. It's so exciting! We were wanting this for years! The biggest moment of my life is coming in 60 days. How lucky am I to finally have this moment. I'll be 25, moving in with Fred and maybe become his fiancé this year. MAYBE, but the biggest part and important news is that we are moving in together.

After so many attempts, interviews, applications and follow ups. Fred finally got a job where I work. We are so blessed and very excited to live onsite where I work. It makes me so happy to do this. I was planning to move in by myself. I wasn't sure where things were heading. The biggest thing I am so excited about is being the person I can become

My biggest fear is my career choice & where my future holds with my careers. I believe we got it from here, but something in the back of my head is telling me to finish what I started.

I'm really happy where things are headed. It was a lot of emotions and trials to get to where we are. I'm proud of Fred, I really am.

I love everyone that helped this opportunity to happen, especially my boss for liking him! :) Thank you Cassidy!!!!

Tomorrow will be his 1st day!

Also, work is giving my aids. It's pissing me off with the residents and applicants... GIVE ME A BREAKKK HAHA.. I need a vacation after all of this!! :)

[riverbabee]

November 6th 2023

Hey Everyone! Just wanting to type in my computer. I enjoy writing in my laptop, just the keyboard and the tapping is fun to do. I guess I also have some thinking to do too. I'll take this as a time to freelance on writing. What's been going on my mind lately? Really, nothing much. I'm enjoying the time I have right now. Work, my dog, my family, boyfriend and friends. Also, getting to have some ice coffee and food!

For about 3-4 years I had to keep saving money and spend it for school or save up for school. Now that I am working I finally feel like I'm able to get some thing for myself. Clothes, room things (essential) , and over all being able to get groceries. I ALSO, wanted to write out how I feel about watching anime. The last episode of attack on titan just came out a couple days ago. Oh my gosh... felt like this is it.. No more. After all these years of anticipation. I have to question myself. what NOW?! What new anime will I get into? It's not as good like back in the day. Newer anime kind of sucks.. What a shame.

Anyways, I want to also express that I keep going back and fourth on school. It's so sad that I want to get a degree in my life for myself, but truthfully it gets nowhere in society now and days. Just years of debt and corporate jobs. I'm extremely surprised the other day how corporate jobs still do not mean anything to this world. You can get laid off any day and that is the end of that.

Wow, just wow... well I'm glad where I am at now. Makes me so happy that I love what I do now, it's tiring but pays off so well.

anywho, good bye now! I'm done tying for now! :D

[riverbabee]

October 10th 2023

No freaking way... I'm at Atlanta .. the weirdest city but I can officially say that I am here at Atlanta by myself!! I'm so excited and really happy! .. Although I'm not happy about the cost but I am happy about the experience. I'm here for a work meeting for the company I am working for. It was required to attend but an 1 hr 30 minutes from my house (normal distance time within the 9-5 hours) but oh my! I made it to the city for 2 night by myself. I'm kind of excited but proud of myself. I guess I never thought of myself being able to do this for a work thing.

It's not much for others to care, and I understand that. I guess just for me it meant a lot because I dreamt of an experience almost like this. When I was younger.. I dreamt of big things and opportunities for myself. I was always in a small town and wanted bigger things. I'm sad to say now, I wasn't able to provide that or even give an experience for myself. I wanted to go to college for journalism, get a chance to become a news anchor, be on TV, live on the city in a nice apartment... but was that all just little dreams for a girl.

I fell in love... set for a more expected reality for me. Just so my friends, family and partner to be happy... it was all going to be a tough joke to be on TV .. live on a city by myself... not when you have someone that cares for you in a loving way. I wouldn't say it was love that set back my biggest dreams. It was me all along, just knowing I wasn't going to be able to make it. The city is not what it seems, it's dangerous, crime is up, and parking is expensive, traffic is horrible and even apartments are at a ridiculous price, plus ambulance or police running every 30 minutes...

One can dream though, I can say I did my route differently but it all happens for a reason. I'm glad now I can view it by myself and see it one more time. The mind for positive and the prayers for my safety.

Wow, life is fun.

10.10.2023 - Shelly (24) yrs old

[riverbabee]

Dear Fred,

It's about to be our 4 year anniversary this year in October 19, 2023! Wow.. we started dating in 2019 can you look at that.. man I remember the first day we met.. in e2020 with your taco suit. Then you made me laugh when you said 'I don't want to taco bout it' when I just looked at you. You had your cute fake mustache on, your precious big brown eyes and your serious face when you said that. Oh my gosh, I laughed so so much, from there I felt a spark from you. I'm so lucky I got to meet you and the funniest way too. I'm so damn lucky to have a boyfriend that will make me laugh! That is one thing I'm grateful and will pick over anything. The biggest bonus is that you're my type too. The way you look , and act and the sound of your voice. My favorite thing I love about you is your smile, voice, eyes and hair. The list goes on but MY FAVORITE thing about you is your sweet genuine love. You love me... and I'm sure damn lucky to have the thing people find so hard to find. I'm so blessed, and even a man to put up the crazy brat that I can be.... I'll admit I have my serious points but sometimes.. I know I can be a bitch :( which I have to say.. I'm sorry.. but damn you're still wanting to put up with me.

I have to say, I'm more excited each year passing by to make you a dad. I can't wait to raise an amazing kid with you, because you're so smart, patient and honestly you put up with so much from me that you really do love me.. I can't express how excited I am to tell our kids one day, what a damn lucky one you are to call him your dad. As I am to be so damn lucky to call you my damn husband. I wouldn't trade anything that we have gone through, argued, laughed and cried about with anyone else. I wouldn't want it any other way. I think about you, think about us and want to do so much with you. Imagine, we have so much time together and this is just the beginning of it too. Fred , I have to say so much that this is not even our wedding vows; oh I promise it won't be 4 pages long either when that day comes. I love you Fred.. and thank you for loving me.. the moment I realized that you are my boyfriend to soon my husband .. I have to think that there is just so much memories I'm excited to have with you and of course loving the days we spend together. Every minute I'm with you in person, time actually passes for once. It's me and you that makes me feel like I really am alive. That the world is beautiful and fun , especially when I am with you.

I love you Fred.. so damn much

Love, Shelly

09.28.2023

[riverbabee]

September 28th 2023

Hey, I'm now 24 years old!! I cannot believe the things that have came to my life now... guess what

I HAVE A DOG!! I have Millie. 03.7.2023 is when I got my precious baby girl. She is an Imperial Shih Tzu.

I got her in May 2nd. I really wanted a dog.. my own baby Toulouse .. he passed away in March. Unexpected thing called a urinary blockage. I never thought I would lose him so so so soon. I miss him terribly.. but now I have my baby girl Millie to fill the void. I won't forget you Toulouse but damn is my love for Millie incredibly strong because all the love I have for you is added in even more.

Millie is a crazy cute girl, my very OWN first dog that is with me all over the house. I let her sleep with me too, I love it! Some days are crazy but the first month of having her was hell... taking her to potty train every 30 minutes ... countless hours of no sleep... she's currently 6 months now about to hit 7!!! .. my little baby is growing up so fast.

So...my new job... and TO FINALLY SAY MY CAREER my actual job that I love and am happy to finally sit down too. I'm currently a leasing agent 'aka' to the company: Marketing Representative. I love it!! My boss is beautiful, my co-workers are so beautiful and everyone is so nice and fun.. Feels JUST RIGHT. Although the hours are wack and taking some time to get use too. Other than that it is paying good and so worth it. I plan to move to my first apartment there in January for sure. 2024 plans! Crossing my fingers.

Yes I am still dating Fred!! This year in October will mark our 4 year anniversary. I'm so so excited. This year was crazy but oh my gosh it's just the experience that counts.

I am very aware that I am currently not an esthetician. Therefore I can agree; what is going on?!

It is on pause for now.. my car payment has me put it on hold. No good jobs and I'm not willing to make less money and a longer drive. It's not worth it for me at all. I just want to be able to take care of my car AND MY DOG!!! ... it's a lot for me to really focus on esthetics when the city is so limited with jobs... and low pay ones in fact.

I finally took the day to update this journal. I'm so happy to keep making this happen and typing again. I sure do love the whole journey that I am going through.

Thank you everyone, xoxo Shelly

[riverbabee]

Jan 8th 2023

Dear Shelly, Here we are getting ready to go to work. Going in to the most annoying spot at 5am... and dealing with them for 10 hours straight. I wish I could've came with a more forward approach to start off good. I can’t think of going to sleep because all I'll do is over think until 3am... so why not just type or play some games and de-stress everything. I know I'll be super sleepy but depression really plays a big game tonight. What I'm feeling right now is just ... what?! what is it? I want to do something but I need to take the right direction to do so. I seriously need some help but money is a big deal for everything. anyways, I just feel confused, sad, defeated, big anxiety attacks, and mostly just not being myself. I’ve become uninterested in so many things. Myself, my love life, family.. career.. Questioning everything that I need to do. I BLAME myself for this!  I DO. Because I could not set the path clear and opened a can of worms that lead to decisions. 

YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH?!- 

I wish! I COULD STOP PLEASING OTHERS!.. I WISH I COULD DO THE SHIT I NEED TO DO AND STOP PLEASING OTHERS..

I WANT TO BECOME AN ENTREPRENEUR !! I DO! My sister, boyfriend and best friend are giving me hope to become one. Thank you..! I JUST WISH my parents could stop comparing me to others! I REALLY DO!!! LET ME BE ME! LET ME SHOW YOU DIFFERENT THINGS!!! I want to become something no one has yet! THIS IS FOR ME! not for you! This is so I can become something bigger and become what you guys came in for in the first place!! 

I WANT TO WORK HARD FOR MY BUSINESS! I WILL and I SWEAR! I SWEAR to this earth. I WILL WORK HARD FOR THIS INDUSTRY! Let me throw my passion into this career and show you my way of how its done! Please.. just help me know where I need to begin.. I don’t want my life to be in a warehouse/factory whatever you guys want me to stay at. It’s not a bad job, and its not that I don’t think anyone shouldn’t do it if they like it that’s amazing. Be proud of that and be proud of other things too. Please mom and dad.. It’s just NOT ME.. my heart my mind my soul feels to need to help people and become a business woman. I want to be able to help myself in the future and thank myself ... I want to be able to pay you back and help you rest.. I want to be creative and help so many and do what I love... Just please.. stop making me feel like the only good thing I should do is be stuck doing something so useless and be unpassionate... I’m losing myself and that’s be meanest thing you can do to your own daughter.. 

[riverbabee]

Jan 6th ,2023

Oh...My...Gosh.. Here I am again. BY HERE I AM AGAIN I MEAN.. I moved back with my parents house... 

So passing October of 2022 I have to say the worst thing has ever happened to me. EVER! and I MEAN EVER!!!! what does my life have stored for me!? Okay, my car died- left my job-my hamster MUGI died..- now I am working at FOX Factory for NOW-have not done state board yet- GOT A NEW CAR- moved back to my parents house..... YES so much has happened. It’s over whelming and I’m pretty sad.. well I was sad. Since so much has happened I lost myself, was stressing and VERY VERY depressed.

SHELLYY... what are we going to do?! right now on this day. I can just smile about it and say that nothing more has felt like a string of bad luck. It just was not my year. As soon as it hit 2023 it gives that refreshing feeling to proceed to succeed again. It gave me hope and that inspiration.. So as soon as I got my new Honda Accord 2022 Sport!! may I say!~I love it. I wanted it . I GOT IT. Now this year its a big push to START MY CAREER. The Things that happened... HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!!!! what reason? I will soon find out and thank myself to gone through the toughest part of my life. To start something so new and amazing for everyone. I hope it happens... I’m really going to try!

We are going to manifest this year. WORK hard to become the woman you want to become!

[riverbabee]

November 10th 2022

Well if you just look at that. It is now Nov 10 2022. So much is going on you cannot believe it... First of all I want to say that it has been since 2018 , making this now 4 years. How cute! Makes me happy to reread my diary that I've been writing since I was 19 years old. 

okay so,...

I graduated in July 28 2022 , for Esthetician! I finished school which was an emotional rollercoaster because beauty school is a joke! :) Really! I learned nothing! Just learned that I spent so much money in a piece of paper and that state board has protocols! That is all. I graduated and made memorable moments with my friends and family! After that... worked in americas best for a little while and decided to quit. I found a job at a lash place and worked there for a month. Biggest thing was getting paid to be trained to do lashes! I hated how far it was, I hated how the store ran and hated the managers, clients, coworkers. Everything was worthless and I saved no money. WHY ?! because I FINALLY MOVED OUT in May 2022! YUP! Worth it but damn money is just a constant issue. I can’t start my career with the low pay it is offering and its just better for me to work towards my car and save up for my business. OKAY NEXT THING. I was having heart issues in October, I decided to cut down caffeine, next thing after that. I’ve been having health issues in my ovaries! AFTER THAT car issues! Water cooling tank broke down and THEN no money!! After that! MY DAUGHTER! MY MUGI passed away with cancer. We had to take her down.. she was unhealthy.. she got so sick... She died in my hands in peace.. that was the day I lost it. I lost my hope.. I lost my little light... my candle that set my soul with happiness and joy just went away. After that... I couldn't handle working at amazing lash studio I felt hopeless.. no money no insurance... my car .... my baby gone.... now it hits November.. and all craziness has gone down but WAIT my car gets issues again! LMFAO it doesn't end. I decided to look into getting crystals. I loved how it looks and if the meaning behind them is true, that'll be very nice. Soon it'll be nice again... the cringe flames will go away. Ah ... I also cut my longggg HAIR! :D yep now its a bob cut. I love it so much though. Feels like me. A new start.. a new me. After so much time now I think I have to take things slow.

Now, we are here soon to work in Fox Factory for a Car and save up for my shed to start my business. After that all will go from there. Yes! :) Me and Fred are still going strong, another thing to mention our 3 year anniversary was something. We tried to plan things but so much has happened we had to put it into a pause. I love him so much, damn are we crazy.. and right now we are broke as hell!!!  I hope to look back to this and giggle about how we struggled. Soon!!!!!!! -xoxo 

[riverbabee]

To Fred

03.09.2022 

Dear future Hubby, thank you for loving me the way I am. I’m  very blessed to have you in my life. You make me laugh, you’re so funny! I can’t believe how much you make me laugh. In fact, the only man to make me laugh so much. Makes me fall in deep love with you all over again. You’re so handsome... gosh oh GEEZ. You’re so charming with your smile.. your cute laugh that melts my heart, your eyes are so seductive and so charming! You made me realize how beautiful brown eyes can be. I look at them.. stare at them and makes my heart and cheeks blush. Your beautiful skin that looks like fresh snow. It’s so cute and makes me baby crazy! Your body mmmmm mm! makes me ... makes me realize how much I love dad bodies and YOURS ONLY. Hehehe,  ugh I love talking to you so much. A never ending conversation with you, and I feel so normal with you. Sure i get nervous but can you blame me when you’re so damn cute? Your passion for sonic, kirby, and etc makes me smile. It’s so cute to hear you talk about how much you love them. I love how crazy you get for me because I’m the same way about you. I’m very loved..thank you for picking me and loving me. Thank you for tolerating me and understanding how ditzy and snappy i sometimes get.. I couldn’t have picked anyone else to call forever mine. Fred, I love you and you made me realize what true love really is, also opening my eyes for baby fever with you! Teehee. My throat hurts writing this because I’m just holding back tears of joy. I want to read this in our next anniversary. Sometimes I wish i can say this to you without the worry to stutter or forget something. i thought it would be better to write it and read it. 

More to mention is that you know me so damn well. It’s funny and sometimes freaky because I can’t get mischievous with you on little funny things. I love it though, I really do. Also, i sometimes lay in bed and think about the first moment you spoke with me and told me how much you loved me. Thank you for being the man to save me and to always cheer me up when I’m down and depressed. Thank you for being supportive and accepting of me. For EVERYTHING. Truly I am one damn lucky girl. Our future son/daughter will feel the same way of being proud to have you. I’m so excited to tell them that they have the best dad and how lucky I am to have you be my husband. I love you Fred Ochoa. 

[riverbabee]

03.07.2022

Hey there. It’s me again. I really wanted to take a second to write and type again. At this second at 11:16 pm.. I feel down. I don’t know why.. I guess i'm very overwhelmed with everything

Stateboard, myself, my career,money, work and … figuring it out. I’m really nervous. 

It’s crazy that I’m getting to that stage of my life to figure out what my life will be. Where will I be 8 months from now?

Basically I want to propose a promise to myself in the future. I want to look back and read everything. 

Dear Shelly,

You’ve made it. How does it feel? Is everything okay? Did you make it to where you wanted?

Is it for now or temporary? How is he? How is everyone now?

Do you think you can start being more productive now and focus on yourself more?

Don’t lose yourself. You have to stand strong and be the empowering strong smart woman you are. FUNNY too. Don’t lose your goofy side for anyone. That is why he fell in love with you too. 

You ran to the end of your education goal. You figured it out and DID it. Holy Fuck!!

Now? Travel? Moving in? Baby? Hehe.. what is in the next plate? Better save up for your business my lady. We got to wear the pink suit and cute hair with the boujee cute appearance. Show off to your parents that this is who you are! If they don’t like it.. WHO CARES!!! Who gives a fuck! Stop thinking of them if it lets you down. Start doing what you like! Do what they want and you’ll end up making them happy for 1 second and you’ll end up crying the whole time.

If they are proud of you, hug them. Thank them to death. They put up with your shit. Yeah I know you’re quite spoiled but hey you make it work in a way that you put it to good use. You get ahead of yourself and want to make it BIG. 

Oh yeah? Any plans on how to make it on TV? What about your YouTube channel? In the progress? Not just youtube.. Work on instagram, twitter, facebook and snapchat. :) EXPAND MY QUEEN EXPAND AND Show everyone who doubted you wrong! Be fearless and let people fear you when you walk in. Not in a bad way though, don’t be evil. Don’t let money make the worse out of you. That will suck. 

By the way, how is MUGI? I love her. As of right now she is fat, cute, plumpy and dumb. Soulless cute beady eyes! <3  Shelly, your memory forgets nights like this. You choose to write this because you want to read this one day and look back at the good times and bad. Maybe when you’re reading this again, you may lose yourself for a second. I want you to make yourself proud, humble, beautiful and successful. Money is not the answer to all. It may seem like it, it plugs in all the needs and wants but remember that there is no price in memories. I know things get tough and you may have forgotten to take care of yourself or remember what this was all about. If you cry reading this, that might be the reason why you’re feeling like this. I hope it’s a happy cry, like damn you did it and– i forgot i wrote this. Support Fred just like he supported you. Support Jessica, mom and dad too, they mean a lot.  Let’s get those people glowing now. Your time to shine. 03.07.2022 11:40 pm

[riverbabee]

October 21 2021

I’m finally in school since August. I’m officially in school for Esthetician. Funny how years ago this wasn’t on my list! Now it is and it’s truly been a blessing with everything that I have gotten now. I got accepted to the program last minute and met some new friends! Skin care and learning facials and many beauty cosmetic services that i will be learning. (Excluding haircuts and hair dying… not my style) life goal with my education is to open a business. I’m really looking forward to it! I’m really happy and have been extremely busy with life to not being able to update this journal. My goodness this diary is so old.. diary or journal whatever it is . I’m happy to still have access to it.

Got my career picked out, working out in the gym , still working part-time and been officially with my boyfriend for two years now. Yesterday 10.19.21 marks our two years together. We celebrated and I loved every moment with him. Although i wish we could pass our times mentioning and comparing ourselves to other people. (i’m very guilty for doing that the most in the relationship..) i wish we could focus on us and be proud of each other rather than other people and letting fear and jealousy take over… it was our two year anniversary and i wish it felt more romantic more natural and happy .. than insecure.. guilty and sad… Maybe next year will feel better. He did buy me such amazing gifts.. a beautiful outfit! A beautiful necklace.. it melted my heart that he did that for me. I’m so grateful ♥️

Happy October 🍂🍁

[riverbabee]

March 5th, 2021

alright.. GOOD MORNING i told myself.. Honestly i felt like shit but i had to get up and go to work. Early morning as usual and with that.. I did not get a lot of sleep. Which sucks...

At work I felt like being nice... I really did.. for some reason. I guess I did not expect for people to really ask what was wrong if I was in a bad mood. 

I just feel depressed sometimes. That’s it. Overall, just depressed with myself. I wish I could have done things differently. What would the outcome of that be I wonder? 

Also with my appearance, to subject that is my weight. I want to just lose 15 lbs but I have no idea how. It’s so hard.. I have to learn something now before it’s too late. Meaning later on when I get baby weight.. it’s going to be even more difficult to lose it. OKAY EAT HABITS... why!! oh.. because of work they persuade me into it.. :( tasty foods all around us and STARBUCKS! VEGAN DIET ??? Shall happen? OH BUT If i did not live in a hispanic household then yeah... served with force! with meats and chicken and everything non vegan. >:c 

and it’s expensive T^T totally not the college budget .

[riverbabee]

march 4th,2021

I'm just going to throw this in there. it's a diary , right? venting , relieving stress and wanting to look back at it all.

how come everything just feels so damn stupid. why do I end up caring so much why can't I just focus on myself for once. why don't I end up figuring out anything. why do I serve more than I receive? why do I let people get to me so much how come is it so difficult to be nice.

everything happens for the reason

and the reason im slowly figuring out is that I hate myself more than anything

[riverbabee]

March 4th,2021

It is almost 1 year that this pandemic has been here with us. Lots of events canceled and even opportunities for everyone. The mask mandate is still a thing. I hope this won't be a later experience again for people in the future. Even I don't want my future kids to experience it.

Anywho, hello! It has been a while since the update. So much has happened and right now I decided to hop back it, even if it is 11:26 pm. Due to depression I hope I can make it throughout the day without sleeping.. I'm awfully so sick of myself lately. I get my emotions take so much control that I just want to shut everything and everyone down.

The sentence for myself on how I feel is:

" I am tired of giving so much things and chances to others- while I forget about myself and really end up being miserable." - shelly..

Basically.. if I had to sum it up.

just.. I feel lonely. it sucks. it really really sucks. how can I feel better? and do better..

The thing is , I know tomorrow morning or even next week. I'll laugh about it. Reading this will make me realize how crazy and dumb I get. RIGHT?

right..

Events that I plan to make happen:

make my bf go to college with me, and go from there.

I want him to be happy and successful.

I just wish I was financially stable to have a nice house and a family. that's my dream.. and own a cute online business of accessories for office or fashion. one can dream with the lack of creativity I have..

yay meee...

[riverbabee]

December 28th, 2020

Man.. this year has been so crazy. I can’t even stress out enough how emotional this has been. It’s been good and bad, but that is life. The virus is still a thing to the point where holidays do not feel magical this time of year. It’s ridiculous, but what can I expect. Everything was shut down mostly and we still have to take precautions. Christmas felt really forceful since this year was really shitty. The New Year is a couple days away from now. How I want to mostly describe this year is aggravating yet very eye opening. Any who, I still am with the man of my dreams, Fred. He and I have been through so much now its really just a dream to be with him. I’m grateful everyday now to have him still with me. Even the things I said when I was sad, mad or crazy... he still stayed with me. I literally am in love with this man and can’t wait to have his last name. He drives me insane sometimes but that's part of the fun in being a relationship with a person who cares. I’m grateful and even blessed to have him with me. 

Today I’m still confused on what is to come for me.. MY CAREER STILL HAS NOT BEEN PICKED. UGH I can’t believe it. Reading this journal just proves enough how indecisive I can be. REALLY... Ugh.. Man I just want the time off to focus on myself and work out this up coming time. I plan to work out , get to know myself more and plan to decide on a business or continue my education.. I want to be good at something... I don’t know my talents or even have the looks. My appearance drained so much being depressed. I’m currently still working at that optical place, in which I still enjoy now and then but being full-time was a mistake. I lost myself, lashed out on so many people and watched other people succeed in different ways I wish i could have.  At the end of the day... I just want to grow as a person, move out and show my true potential. 

[riverbabee]

August 23rd ,2020

It’s been since March that I updated this journal. Since then so much has been going on.. I have not sat down to think about things or even have time for myself.. where to begin.

School.. was a challenge this year because i couldnt get in campus due to the virus. I even took online classes during the summer. It did not end well I Withdraw from college. I was not motivated and distracted by many things . Surely months later me and my boyfriend looked at these apartments and oh my it fluttered my heart and made me happy and excited! We both had good ideas but then ... he changed his mind of his job.. I turned to full time at my job to provide money for our life together.. he took a different route which will take us even longer to do so. Now I’m miserable and just not motivated in life anymore. So many emotions ran down due to the virus shutting down so many places and opportunities. I’m stuck at this job.. i hate the customers but my manager is the kindest one out there. Before i committed he said that once i turn full time i cant change back. I was excited to move out i didn’t care.. but now that’s not the case anymore.. i do care and what now? I don’t want a new car .... or phone or anything.. i want to go back to school but my job will make it impossible... i’m fucking disappointed in myself. I really am..

[riverbabee]

March 25th, 2020

Okay so... I don’t understand my feelings at all anymore. I’m so confused on so many levels. I just wish my emotions were a little more stable. Today just felt weird and off for me. The weather really does have a huge effect on me. Long rainy days kill me, and everything is just different now that my mom is morning shift. I barely get to do anything anymore, im just stuck in my room all the time. I wish i can go out and hang with my friends when I want and where without so many questions being asked and being judged later. Now that this whole virus is going crazy it is even more of an excuse to not even head out. I’m just getting more mentally depressed on myself and the choices that affect my mom and dad. I understand that its all about family, but please.. don’t make it to the point where I can’t do anything.. I remember my own mother telling me I’m not even an adult yet i can’t even be independent and that I’m just stupid, ignorant and selfish. That day on I couldn’t get that out of my mind.. I really felt trapped. No matter what I do.. going to school to make them proud.. work and obey their wishes... nothing ever satisfies them to where she will never believe ill be good enough on my own... I felt so trapped and it dramatized me to where i don’t care about anything anymore. It destroyed my happiness and makes me want to run away even more.. Running away from the family will make every one of my family members disrespect me and tell me I’m a failure.. this...really...sucks...