rose-benedict

[rose-benedict]

First Cringe Of Morning || Self Para

Everything felt different these days. The feel of her own fingertips rubbing against each other as she thought of what she was doing, the cool numbness running up her legs as the snow melted around her feet, the wetness running down her cheeks as she decided once and for all.

Noah's delighted giggles echoed through the cabin they had been staying in for the past month, breaking her concentration and placing an automatic smile on her face. Even smiling felt different. It was the consequence of being trapped inside the same room for over a month, enduring innumerable beatings and psychological torture. They had left the entirety of her changed, so much that Paul had had a hard time believing she was still her when they were reunited.

It was him that had drawn her away from the group in the dead of night, without a sound and without a goodbye. She couldn't think of the people she loved as she left. She couldn't. There were things to do, and if she stayed, so many people would not survive this harsh world. Rose had left with her baby and never looked back. The feeling pulling her towards her husband was unrelenting and intense, completely impossible to ignore.

But they had been reunited, and it was beautiful and impossible and terrible at the same time. But above all, it was right. It was the first thing to feel right since that damned prison.

That was weeks ago, and now she had made a choice to leave them both. Rose knew she would be able to find them again, but it would be a while before she would see them again. She could feel it. She could feel that there would be someone else when she came back, but she also knew it would not matter in the end. They were her family, the ones she was supposed to have, but not the one in her future. They were a very small part of her now, the last piece of her battered humanity. 

She knelt over them, smiling softly as Paul put their son in his small bed. Rose took her baby in one last time, hoping he would remember the love in her eyes. Noah's eyelids fluttered closed. She turned to her husband. The adoration was obvious in the lines on his skin and the small touch to her cheek. Hers was in the silence, in not telling him she would be back, in giving him permission to find that someone in his future. Rose kissed his lips for the last time before telling him to sleep.

He went without argument, surely thinking she would join him in a few minutes.

She did not.

#self para

[rose-benedict]

{Rose takes the steps forward until she's in front of Alex. Her eyes dart towards hers before she takes a look at her injuries. It looks like she's already been healed, and that if she had not received that kid of help, she would have surely died.} You've been cleaning these out?

Only if you want, [she says, not wanting Rose to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s not like Alex can’t get help from a different healer if Rose doesn’t want to do this. The group actually has a lot of them now.]

#alexandriacaverly

[rose-benedict]

{The story has her pursing her lips in distaste, a remnant of her former life. Seeing so many motorcycle accidents in the ER left her with a permanent prejudice against motorcycles. Noah just stares at the strange woman, sucking on one of his fingers as he watches them both speak.} DO you want me to take a look?

Bella was teaching me how to drive her motorcycle and we crashed. [She studies Rose’s features, trying to see if she’s actually concerned or if she’s just playing nurse right now. Either way, it’s nice to see her, especially with Noah. It’s better that he’s with his mother again.]

#alexandriacaverly

[rose-benedict]

{It's not until Alex says something that Rose realizes she had just walked into the room without greeting the person inside first. The feeling is somewhat disconcerting.} Hey... What happened? {Though she tries to hide it, a hint of worry is in her voice when she asks her question. rose has no right to be concerned over Alex, not when they haven't spoken for so long, but she's having a hard time discovering that feelings are not so easily muffled.}

[Alex can’t help but stare up at Rose as she enters the room with Noah. The two haven’t talked in such a long time, and their last few conversations haven’t been very positive. She’s still not sure what she’s done wrong or what changed, but she also hasn’t asked about it. It’s too awkward.] Hi.

#alexandriacaverly

[rose-benedict]

{Rose really wasn't expecting someone to call out from an adjacent room to the hallway she's walking through, but considering she's the only one in earshot and the words that had been spoken, she peeks her head into the space. Seeing Alex there, considerably injured, has Rose frowning before walking in with Noah. She approaches the woman slowly, concern plainly written on her face for a brief moment before her usual apathetic features fall back into place.}

[Sitting in her room alone, Alex is struggling to keep still. She’s read all of her comics at least twenty times now, and she doesn’t feel like reading a book. Bella and Hayley are out taking Rory for a walk, so Alex is left to her own devices for the time being, and although she loves them, she’s glad to have some without them. Bella has been waiting on her hand and foot, and she never thought she’d ever think this, but she’s getting a little sick of it. 

Alex sits in silence until she hears footsteps outside the room, but they’re not in view. She calls out,] Help. I’m bored and in pain.

#alexandriacaverly

[rose-benedict]

{Rose worries the inside of her cheek as she listens to the other's words. She knows that. But right now she feels like the distance she's putting between herself and everyone else is the only thing keeping her from falling apart. It's the thin thread that's keeping her together at the seams, and she's already had a taste of what she'd be like without. She was a mess back at the campground. She can't afford to break down like that again. It's a difficult thing to do, almost against her very nature, but until she can be certain that she won't lose it, it's her only choice.} Thank you, Kris. {At least those words are honest.} I just can't right now. {She offers a small smile in her direction, but the truth is it's more for her benefit than anything else.}

[Kris continues to smile down gently at Noah as she gingerly bounces on the balls of her feet. It’s a motion she uses to normally to calm him down, but even though he’s not fussing around anymore and is content with resting his small head against her chest and listening to the muffled sound of her heartbeat through the layers of clothes and bandages, it the action still feels natural. She looks up at Rose.] You know Rose, if there’s something bothering you or if there’s something you want to talk about, you can always talk to me about it. You know that right…? [She asks her voice suddenly quiet because she can’t help but feel that there is something that Rose is hiding or just not talking to her about. When she came back out of the prison, Rose didn’t look like herself. And Kris didn’t blame her. She could only imagine what sort of hell Rose went through and what those bastards did. And if there’s one thing Kris doesn’t want for Rose to feel is that she has to hold it in and deal with it on her own. Kris knows what that’s like. To be scared, broken and feel like you have no one to go to and have no one to go to. And she doesn’t want that for Rose or anyone really. She wants Rose to know that she’s here for her, she’s just probably doing a shit job at it. ]

#KrisShepard

[rose-benedict]

{Rose watches with detached interest the way Noah seems to cling at Kris's shirt with everything he has. She idly wonders how much he can know about the woman whose arms he's in. He obviously recognizes her, and needs her to an extent. How much is her question. Enough to want her when he sees her, that's obvious. Beneath all those thoughts she's relieved. If Kris hadn't been treating the baby well he wouldn't like her this much. The mother is distracted when Kris finally offers a response. She looks up and offers a polite smile.} I'm glad. {She says tersely. She still hasn't been able to suppress everything, though she's well on her way. Rose would leave the two alone, but right now Noah is the only one keeping her grounded. She expects she would spend hours just staring at a wall if she didn't have him.}

[Kris’s eyes widen when Noah all but squirms out Rose’s arms in an attempt to grab onto Kris and get her to hold him. In a silent panic, Kris bends at the knees and goes for Noah partly because she wants to give the baby what he wants- which is apparently her. He easily goes to her and the moment that her arms wrap around the familiar bundle, his tiny hands grab at her shirt and he buries his chubby face into her shirt and nuzzles her.] Hey, hey, it’s alright, you got me, okay?

[Kris murmurs soothingly as she starts to bounce him her arms. She then turns her head slightly and automatically presses a kiss to his head. Looking up at Rose, Kris  and offers her a small smile because something is off- a familiar sort of off, and she wants to make the woman comfortable.] Definitely feeling a lot better. [Emotionally? What with what happened to Charlie and Kimi and everything else going on in her head. The guilt of everything she’s failed to do and the people they’ve lost weighing her down and the distance she can feel building up between her Rose? No, she wasn’t doing better. But she kept moving forward. Physically she was doing fine though and that’s what everyone needed. Granted though, Kris has no idea that she had nearly died back at the camp.]

#KrisShepard

[rose-benedict]

{Kris's restatement of the question doesn't really help Rose. She wants to shake her head and tell her friend that she needs to get away, needs to find a way to get back to normal, but not only would that make Kris worry about something she cannot fix, it would push Rose that much closer to losing it. And so Rose says nothing, choosing instead to nod sharply. The brunette comes closer and to Rose it's obvious that no matter  how much the boy had been clinging to her since she had returned, Kris is still one of the more important figures in his short life. Noah continues to nearly throw himself at the woman, paying little attention to how Rose is struggling to keep him form falling. In the end, Rose just decides to hand him over to Kris. The empty space in her arms is fixed by crossing them, though it's not the same feeling.} You look better. {The mother says shortly, if only because she feels the need to say something.}

[Her tone of voice is completely accidental and if anything that’s not the kind of tone she should be taking with Rose of all people. So she tries to back pedal and bring her old tone back when she speaks again.] You sure? [She asks, sounding more like her normal self whenever she spoke to rose. It  briefly makes Kris wonder if this is just another tell tale sign of what the world is turning her into. That she’s starting to shut things down just for the sake of surviving and leading the group and that meant the few friendships and loved ones she had managed to hang onto because the group didn’t care if she kept those friends and relationships- they just needed someone to look to and lead and that was fine with her. It’s what she needed to do. Still, there are pieces of herself still hanging on and it’s brought about when she looks at Rose despite the fact that she said that she doesn’t need anything and hears that little familiar noise Noah made every time he woke up, followed by him outstretching his small arms. It’s enough to have her getting up and walking towards the two of them. She stops right in front of them and automatically, she holds her finger out and lets Noah latch onto it.] Hey there, little guy… [She says softly, the faintest smile on Kris’s lips.]

#KrisShepard

[rose-benedict]

{Rose doesn't leave when Kris sees her. She doesn't want to, not really. Kris is her best friend and her son's godmother. It's not that she doesn't want to spend time with her, it's just that she knows that nearly losing her on top of everything else meant nearly losing herself. She doesn't know if she could go through that again. She's already heavily relying on the part of her that wants to be detached from humanity enough as it is. Rose doesn't want to know what would become of her if she let that part of herself take over completely. It stings when the other brunette speaks, though Rose doesn't let it show on her face. It's obvious Kris is angry with her for not being able to save her from nearly dying. The mother shakes her head.} No. {She says simply, feeling like a bit of a fool. If she's not here because she needs something then what is she doing? Thankfully in that moment Noah rubs his eyes and looks around drowsily. Spotting Kris, his bottom lip juts out as he extends his hands, threatening to cry if the woman doesn't take him.}

[Kris runs a hand down her tired face before she bows her head and lets it rest on her the cool metal hilt of her sword. Her brow puckers because there’s a slight twinge of pain coming from her chest and stomach again. However, he pushes past it because the pain is minor compared to when she first woke up. However, as she sits on the sidewalk she can’t help but feel that someone is watching her. And sure enough when she looks up she finds Rose looking over at her with Noah in her arms. Ever since the prison, Rose hadn’t been herself, but she understands that but there’s also a growing distance Kris thinks that’s developing. She hasn’t seen her once since she woke up and Rose even rode in a different car. Rose was probably pissed as hell at Kris. And she wouldn’t blame her. Kris didn’t come fast enough for Rose and left her in that hell hole. She’s just losing people left and right- some leader and friend she was. The people from the prison they managed to get back, but now Charlie and Kimi were gone and added to the list that Kris that people had failed, the list of people that died/vanished every since she took charge because that’s how she was… everything she cared about was destined to leave or die. And now, she bet Rose was next and this was  just the beginning of their separation and eventually that nightmare she had in Mahanoy that broke her would come true and she’d be alone standing amongst a pile of bodies that she failed. When she finally speaks her voice comes out almost business-like than she had expected.] You need something, Rose?

#KrisShepard

[rose-benedict]

{To say Rose had been avoiding Kris would be an understatement. The mother hasn't allowed herself to even think about what had happened back at the camp, telling herself that if she dwelled on the events she would undoubtedly fall into a downward spiral that would relieve her of her senses. Not even the car ride here could have been a point of reconciliation between the two. Rose had chosen to ride with Mason, and though the man had made a face at her request, he hadn't denied her. Over the course of the past days Rose has been keeping to herself, keeping her conversation short and glances fleeting. However, when Rose sees Mike throwing clumps of dirt at Kris she can't move from the spot. She's waiting for the brunette to miss one, and when one hits her Rose flinches and turns for a couple of seconds. Her breathing picks up but eventually Mike stops throwing things and Rose turns to make sure Kris isn't hurt. She stays there, observing quietly with Noah sleeping in her arms.}

[Out in the street front of theatre, Mike is hurling boulder sized dirt clods at Kris who is running back and forth, jumping darting from side to side to avoid whatever Mike throws her way as fast as he can because to Kris, her not being fast enough to dodge was the exact reason why she was down for two weeks and the reason why she got hurt. Kris lets out a grunt as one of the dirt clods hits her in the shoulder and explodes into a cloud on impact. But she doesn’t let that stop her and she keeps moving, dodging the rest of the attacks. Eventually, Kris stands her ground and draws her sword in a flash of red and cuts down a dirt clod and explodes into dust before she sheathes it again.] Okay! [Kris shouts, letting out a huff as she bows at the waist and holds a hand up towards Mike.] Break. [The moment the word leaves her lips he lets the dirt clods around him drop and crumble and he quickly heads over to Kris pull away the dirt that is scattered over her body from previous hits she took. Once Kris clean, she heads over to the nearby sidewalk and slumps down to catch her breath because as much as she hates to admit it, she’s feeling sort of winded and weighed down. Not just by her healing injuries but with everything that’s happened. ]

#KrisShepard

[rose-benedict]

{Rose's eyebrow twitches in slight annoyance at that comment. There's something left unsaid and the mother can practically taste it. And yet so many are still hurt. She decides not to comment for both their sake and is relieved when Rachel changes the subject.} Nine months. 

There are a lot of healers in this group. [Though it would seem, from the current state of things, at least, that the healers needed healing too, beyond the physical.] Of course. [She looks at Noah for a moment before glancing away, yes, a mother first and foremost she’d assume.] How old is he? [Eliya doesn’t know why Rachel is doing this to herself but refrains from commenting, knowing that her vessel was trying to move on…trying being the operative word.]

#rachelfoster

[rose-benedict]

{Rose refrains from answering for a while. Her role had been so obvious to herself before. Things have changed since she last evaluated her life. The answers comes to her eventually, and she finds it's the same. She hasn't changed at her core, just her attitude towards others.} I've always been a healer. {She'd studied nursing, so she feels no need to add to that.} But first I am a mother.

[Rachel takes the pencils, a nod of thanks all that’s needed.] You’re right, it shouldn’t. [It’s hard to think of preserving something, though, especially in a time like this. Rachel did it more for herself than anything.] I was a teacher. [She knows that’s not what she means though and speaks plainly to address her question.] And a warrior. [Eliya says the last part before tilting a head at Rose.] Yourself?

#rachelfoster

[rose-benedict]

{Rose finds a case of pencils on the wrong side of the aisle and hands it to her silently.} Art shouldn't be lost. {She says seriously.} You aren't just and artist, are you? {The mother asks nonchalantly as she looks through the toys for something Noah won't be able to swallow. Her spirit doesn't feel like an artist, to say the very least.} 

[She isn’t expecting any more conversation, in fact, Rachel wouldn’t mind not speaking but Rose feels the need to speak so she answers her with a nod and slight smile.] Yeah, when I can. [She pushes some hair aside, glancing around them.] Anything with art really, though, uh, painting isn’t very practical anymore. [And she didn’t have a camera and other supplies beyond some paper and pencils.] 

#rachelfoster #ignore phone

[rose-benedict]

{Rose nods. She thinks this conversation is becoming somewhat awkward, but she can't do more than start walking in the direction she's been pointed towards. The woman follows her, for art supplies apparently, and so Rose is forced to make small talk.} Do you draw? {She asks simply, finding no other explanation. There's not much room for paintings in this day and age.}

[At the mention of toys, Rachel’s mind drifts to the few action figures she’s kept in a bag that she’s not opened in five months. She wouldn’t open it bu she can’t bring herself to throw it away either. Instead she nods, pursing her lips.] Ah, well…toys uh, that way. [She nods at the aisle that would be beside them because she’d been trying to avoid it. It seems, though, that she’ll have to go if she hopes to find any art supplies. Most stores kept with with the children’s things and that’s what she’d come in here for, wasn’t it?] For art supplies. [It’s the only thing she says by way of clarifying, knowing there’s no reason for her to collect children’s toys anymore.]

#rachelfoster

[rose-benedict]

{Rose can plainly see how the woman looks at Noah, as if she wishes he were some other child instead. She's not surprised by it. There aren't many children anymore, some of them have been lost in horrible ways.} Thank you. {Noah had been her father's name. Rose had just been the name she'd been born with. The spirit inside her had no name. They were trivial.} Toys. Anything useful. Nothing, really.

[She nods at the name before her eyes drift to the boy, Noah. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but he looks like his mother and Rachel cannot remember the last time she’d seen an infant.] Both are good names. [She looks at Rose and then around the store.] Were you looking for anything in particular?

#rachelfoster

[rose-benedict]

{Rose doesn't have a clear reading on this woman, other then how she is an old spirit, like herself. Rachel doesn't seem to be all that she is, but the mother doesn't say anything about it, offering her own name instead.} Rose. This is Noah.

[Rachel isn’t phased by the expression on the mother’s face, she knows she’d used that expression before too. Once she takes the mug, Rachel promptly retracts her hand, taking a step back to give the two of them room. At her question, though, she gives her name.] Rachel. And you?

#rachelfoster

[rose-benedict]

{Rose's eyes dart to the woman, sharp gaze on her. She's always looking for a threat these days, and her stare is harsher than it would have been a few months ago. Still, she takes the mug and shows it to Noah, who promptly takes it and starts to inspect it.} What's your name? {Rose asks her, if only because she thinks she should get back to knowing the names of the group's members.}

[Rachel’s about to turn and leave when her attention is capture by the baby in the other woman’s arms. Eliya senses the turmoil in Rachel at the sight of the child, the weight on her chest is uncomfortable: heavy. When he drops the mug, there’s a momentary debate in her vessel’s mind before the woman bends down a second later, picking up the mug. She holds out the mug for the mother rather than the baby. Children, it would seem, caused Rachel more pain and left more scars than physical wounds.] It’s fine. 

#rachelfoster