roving-boi

[roving-boi]

Dear diary,

It’s been a few months since I moved in with my mom. For once in my life I feel like something is going my way. Still, I feel like something is wrong with me at the same time. I stopped having nightmares about Jay. If you don’t remember, Jay betrayed me and was the bitch who mistreated my autistic friend, Selu, at the fair. Selu got out of a mental facility last month, she was there for a minute for attempting suicide. I took her to see a movie when she got out and I think that cheered her up a bit. Since then, I’ve kinda forgotten about Jay’s existence to be honest. I used to have nightmares about beating her to death. I’m glad that’s stopped.

I cut my dad off entirely. He was saying absurd things to me the other day. He was talking about how he used to have sex with multiple women at once while with my mom. He claims one of my mom’s old friends contact him and said bizarre things. I don’t want to get too specific. Today after we finished eating dinner I spoke out to my mom about this and maybe I shouldn’t have. She got very upset and now my mom and step dad are both kind of riled up and stressed out. I feel kind of guilty about contacting my dad again. I ended up just blocking him all together and I think I should finally rid him of my life for good. I originally contacted him so I could maybe get some of my belongings back, but I don’t think he’s going to give me anything anyway.

Aside from the crap with my dad, I went to a few shows with my family recently. I went to 2 magic shows and then an acrobatic show. The first magic show I went to was just straight up illusionary tricks, and it was very entertaining and impressed me a lot. It got me thinking what if there was a magic show run by a genuine psychic? I mean, you wouldn’t be able to really tell whether the tricks are real or not. It would be like the perfect career to use your powers stealthily. Part of the magic is not telling your secrets, right? Well, the second magic show I went to was from a dude who claims he can read your thoughts. Now, this is where I wasn’t impressed at all. I felt like a lot of his tricks were explainable, and one of the biggest tricks to end the night didn’t really mask any bullshit. It was a pocket knife trick.

He asked people to come up on stage, and he had six knives. They were all in an envelope, and two of the knives had the blades out. The rest were folded. He would make each person choose a knife out of the six that were laid out on the table, but he talked to each person as they were deciding which knife to take. He kinda got under their skin and made them choose specific envelopes. Every person had to hold the envelope behind their backs and stand in a line. He would call up people to come up to him and stab him with the envelope. Of course, every person he called on had a knife with no blade out. The two people he didn’t call on had the knives with the blade. I felt like he coordinated the entire trick so that specific people would have specific knives, and then he memorized which knives were safe.

It just wasn’t impressive to me at all, and I was really hoping he would actually get stabbed. He did some mind reading tricks that were slightly impressive but I wasn’t really wowed by any of it to be honest. The third show was an acrobatics show. It wasn’t really magic related, just people doing stunts, dancing, acrobatic stuff in the air, and a few tricks. I got to sit in a VIP seat. It was actually quite fun. There was this one stunt they did where this dude wore roller skates and spun around really fast on this small platform, and he had a girl hold onto his tie and she was spinning around on it while he spun himself.

Watching everyone dance and do their thing on stage made me fantasize about doing stuff with Simon. I imagined we were in an empty stage room or whatever you wanna call it, and we danced and did tricks together. But just us. Sometimes I wish I had some phenomenal abilities. I wish I could do silly unexplainable things that would impress people. Having powers or some super human ability would be cool, I’d probably be unstoppable and I would just be a magnificent person. Those ideas can go on the shelf along with my fantasies about being wealthy and famous I guess. It’s all just really improbable.

Simon and I sort of had a bump in our relationship, it all started the night before Halloween. I’ve noticed that he’s had this quote on his discord bio that says “I would do it all over again”. He has had it for some time. I’m not really sure why, but that night I confronted him about it because for some reason it was bothering me out of nowhere. I asked him why he had that quote in his bio. Simon explained to me it was a quote Joel from The Last of Us (video game) said. Okay sure that’s all dandy, but something was still bothering me so I pushed him to tell me more. He ended up telling me more specifically that he would probably redo everything before my relationship with him. I was a bit taken aback.

I thought, huh? What is THAT supposed to mean? I got really upset and didn’t really ask him to elaborate anymore. I cried myself to sleep and didn’t talk to him at all for a majority of the next day. During Halloween, Matthew took me, and Liyauna to his house. They’re kind of a couple now, and I was kinda third wheeling for the day with them. I spent a few hours sitting at his house playing video games and exploring. He was cuddling with Liyauna on the couch while I sat across from them and played on his Wii. I kind of felt like I didn’t really belong there, I didn’t really wanna be a bother to them. They didn’t seem to mind but I still felt like maybe I should have just went home or something. I was really sad already from what happened with Simon the night before, and in my first period class this girl wearing this hoodie I remember telling Simon I really wanted, so my day did not start off well either.

When the day ended I talked to Simon again. I blew up at him for an entire hour. He ended up explaining to me in the end that my emotional episodes and some of the things I say to him are overwhelming, and make him sometimes reconsider being with me. I was really hurt still, but we ended up making up, and I think right now we are okay. I was angry that he would feel that way. I give him a lot of my energy and time and try to treat him like nobody even attempts to treat me. I know I can be overwhelming but I can’t believe he would just say that.

I’m quite jealous of Matthew and Liyauna. I awkwardly stood there with them in the hallway while they hugged and kissed. I watch them sit next to each other and talk in class and at lunch. I’m jealous that they were complete strangers who now really like each other. I guess maybe I’m jealous that they get lovey dovey with each other physically. They hold hands while walking, they kiss, they hug, they cuddle and go on dates after school. I can tell Matthew really makes Liyauna happy. She tells me about how great he is all the time. I’m happy for them but a part of me feels like it’s just not fair. We all held hands on Friday while walking to Matthew’s truck. Liyauna insisted I hold her hand with them. I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my emotions, and she asked me why I looked so sad. I said I wasn’t and dismissed her.

I’ve been sobbing on the bus rides to school and in my room often lately. The world never can never be at a stand still for one day. Sometimes I feel like my bed is the only safe place in the world. Nothing matters anymore when I’m in my blankets. It still creeps up to me sometimes. I’m so tired of the other side of my bed being empty.

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary

So, a lot happened I guess. To start, I don’t live with my dad anymore. A few days before school started I made the last minute decision to live with my mom. The new house is actually pretty nice. I have my own room, I go to a new school now. But it was kinda ugly making the leap. My dad was very angry and when I went back to his house to collect some of my belongings he basically kicked me out and screamed at me. It’s been about a month and He’s tried to contact me since but I haven’t said anything to him. I probably won’t talk to him again for awhile.

Things at my moms house have been alright. I have a functioning shower, my own space and bathroom, and nobody criticizes me. School is kinda weird though, and I’m not used to like a million people crowding the halls. I don’t really like being exposed to so many people. It makes me feel so little and small, like my existence is not really that significant. I wonder how many other people feel the same way. I think there’s just too many people, how does one to expect to find the love of their life if there’s like 8 billion people and millions all around you. Human relationships are so weird.

I guess things are better for me lately though. I’ve been more relaxed and less stressed out. And I think my acne is starting to clear up. I’m happy to be spending time with my brother and my mom. My step dad and I had like a long talk with my mom and we sorted everything out and I got closure and an apology for how he treated me as a child. I feel relieved and I’m happy my mom is helping me get my life back on track. My dad refused to give me my social security card so I had to get a replacement which was a pain in the ass. Now I have to go get an ID and then soon after get a license.

I’ve been having dreams about jay still, I’m still angry about what she did. Since I’ve lived here I’ve had a dream I kicked her ass in the school bathroom and another’s where I shoved her into dirt. Selu recently got out of a psych ward for trying to overdose. I’m so mad that nobody seems to care but me. Jay most likely doesn’t care at all and neither of her friends who pretend like they do. Nobody cares. This world is so sick and I want to throw up.

Anyway on a more lighthearted note, I hope to decorate my new room soon. I’m thinking of putting up white Christmas lights or something with some posters. I wanted to paint my room pink but my mom said no but it’s alright.

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary,

My dad pressured me the other day about career/school, because I don’t know what I want to do after school. He wants me to go to some sort of technical school or I dunno, get some sort of education so I’m not stuck making minimum wage. But no field really sounds good to me. Everything, all of my options just sound miserable. I’m scared to even find a career in writing or art because I know people will have expectations for me and when that happens I’m stuck fearing that I won’t satisfy anyone. I’m not really a magic machine that can write and or create the best piece of fiction ever out of thin air. I mean I guess that’s sort of how it works, but on short notice I should say. Everything that comes to me just comes to me on its own, and I take forever to actually get it down on paper. I’m not even anywhere near done my novel that I started like 2 months ago.

In other news, my mom bought a house (well it’s more of a mortgage), and it’s going to be ready to be moved into soon. It has 3 bedrooms, one for me, my brother, and my mom (and unfortunately my ex-step dad that she got back together with for some fucking reason. God I hate that guy). My mom wants me to move back in with her and be a family again. Though she wants me to graduate high school where I’m at currently and then make the choice to come live with her. Now here is the problem, my dad is quite unaware of all of this and telling him is going to cause arguments and other discourse I don’t really wanna deal with.

My aunt told me I should do whatever I want, and not worry about pleasing or hurting others. And I think it’s something I’m gonna do. I need my own space, and it lets me live somewhere more free, and much closer to work. Where my dad lives, is quite literally out in the desert in the middle of nowhere. There’s no opportunity here, there’s no work, there’s nothing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do anything here.

I was looking at comments on an Instagram reel about people getting rejected from jobs. Like Walmart and food jobs. The basic crap. It kind of started stressing me out. I don’t plan to go to college and I don’t know what I’m going to do for money when I leave this place. I have no idea what I’m doing I’ll be honest. And I’m scared I’ll never really make enough to keep myself afloat. There’s nothing at college I even want. And the ONE thing I’m passionate about, fucking jay told me she wants to go to college and get a degree in. Ugh. Fucking great.

I’ve been having nightmares about jay. I had about 4 in a row almost. In one of them I remember driving away and driving and driving until I reached this little food area in the middle of nowhere. It had a sushi restaurant right next to a Mexican restaurant. Really weird but I stopped by and went into the Mexican restaurant. Things were peaceful for a good few minutes I think until I saw jay roll up with her stupid friends. They were going to head into the sushi restaurant but she noticed me sitting at the Mexican restaurant and decided to come in. She walked up to me and I just lost it. I grabbed her by the hair and threw her on the floor, and I started slamming her face onto the tile floor. But she wouldn’t react to it. It was if it wasn’t even hurting her. It started freaking me out and I think screamed for her to shut up because she wouldn’t stop talking. I kept slamming her head into the floor until I guess I got tired and stopped. I don’t remember how to dream ends but it was so freaky. I wanted her to stay down. She wouldn’t.

I don’t wanna see her face at school. She’s dead to me now but, I’d probably just get so angry. I’m so stressed. In other news I got a new friend group and they live really close by. Remember that boy I met at the fair in real life? He let me join his friend group and it’s been great. We voice chat together and play video games together and they make me feel included. They ask me questions, joke with me, ask for my opinion on stuff, they share stuff with me. They just make me feel like I’ve always been apart of their group. My friends at school never did that. I’ve only been hanging out with my new friends for like over a week and already it’s been a better experience than my stupid fake friend group at school.

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary

I spent the weekend with my mom for my birthday. she picked me up and took me to the county fair which is inconveniently located right across the street from my school. So of course everyone from school was there. Not a big deal, I got to say hi to some school friends and still had a blast. It’s just a little sucky to run into familiar faces sometimes. I don’t really like the town I currently live in, scenery wise it’s alright. I like the small town vibe and stuff I just don’t really like the people themselves.

Anyway it was great and I got to meet an online friend in real life for the first time ever. They actually live not too far away but we never got to meet before. So we just planned to meet up at the fair and then we saw each other and hung out for a few hours. We went on rides together, browsed the shopping stalls, and I even bought him ice cream. He didn’t finish it but he was still quite happy about it so thats fine.

I’ve been writing a book lately, it’s a little far from being finished but I’ve been making progress. I’m hoping all goes well, and I get to have it done this year. I’m a little worried no one is going to read it, but I guess that’s okay. At least I put something out there. It’s this romance fantasy kinda aimed toward anyone looking for escape. The protagonist is this high school boy who is unhappy with their mundane life and one day steps through a mirror that takes them to another reality. They meet this magical bunny person and they kinda fall in love and then yeah. It took a lot of inspiration from deltarune. In case you’re a weirdo who plays indie games and that rung a bell. (No shame though because I think that makes you really cool) im excited to keep going with it but I hope I don’t give up.

Also one of my close friends from school (who I’ll just call Jay.) isn’t my friend anymore. Uh- well let me explain. So basically.. I made a group chat with me and another good friend (who knows jay, but moved away) and I was venting about how I feel like jay mistreats me. I feel like jay ignores me at school and I feel like we just haven’t been really getting along lately at all. Me and my one friend agreed and went back and fourth on our personal opinions regarding jay. Well, there was another friend of mine (who is an online friend, but also knows jay) who was also in the group chat. I guess they took screenshots of everything me and my friend said and sent it to jay. The next day at school, jay blew up at me and told me to never talk to her again. I was like what the fuck.

I trusted my friends and they literally betrayed me and all this drama happened. The reason I didn’t go to jay about anything up front is because I don’t think they would even care or acknowledge it. So I decided to vent to some close friends of mine and thought I could get some comfort. I guess I’m always the bad guy when I speak up about being mistreated. Like that one time my dad was yelling at me and chewing me out for like, no good reason. I told him to “chill” and he blew up oh my god. Yeah. So I never really have the right to say anything. Which you kinda learn to live with, but it’s still gay I guess. So I guess jay and her other little friends have all turned on me. But I don’t really care I don’t need them. It’s still unfair, but if you can’t roll with me then leave I guess.

Anyway, I have one week of school left and then summer. I’ll see what happens i dunno. I’m gonna get some rest. At least I updated and I’m not dead haha

[roving-boi]

Dear diary,

I’ve been playing life is strange with Cristine for the past 3 days. We’re close to finishing the game. I’m real excited to see her reaction to the end. And then we’re going to play before the storm. And then maybe true colors after all that. I don’t own life is strange 2 sadly. So for now we’ll skip it.

The other night Cristine was being really needy. I wish I could be there for her better. She is an amazing friend. I’m so happy to have her in my life. I feel like she is the only person who genuinely cares about me. Maybe even more than Simon. I never know with him. I mean hell he hid that he lost interest in me, then of course the relationship went down in flames. I wonder if he truly even wants me. Maybe he just let me come back because he pity’s me. I don’t know. Or maybe he has nobody else, and just settles for me. I really don’t like to think that, but I can’t help but wonder if he only stays with me because there is no one else in his life. I offer him a lot, so it probably doesn’t matter to him, and he probably just accepts whatever he can get. But, I don’t want to be a tool. The only reason I don’t think of that in Cristine is because we have been friends and talking practically everyday for years. She goes out of her way to show me love and that she appreciates me. I don’t even have to ask her to do anything, because she is as genuine as it gets. I wish I could say the same about other people. But so far not even my partners put in the effort that she does in any department.

Y’know.. I’ve been wondering.. what if Cristine read that letter I wrote her. What if she took me back..? What if we kept dating each other through all of this hell that’s unfolded the last few years? I.. wrote this really graphic letter. To Cristine. After we broke up from dating a few years ago. I became so obsessed with Cristine. I just wanted her back. I wrote this love letter to her begging for her to take me back, and i really wanted to give her this teddy bear with the letter. I was going to mail it to her house, and then hope for the best. My dad found and read the letter before I could go mail it. So of course. That was cancelled. I ended up destroying it.. I remember I said I would carve her initials into my skin or something, just to prove I was serious. Man we’re both so crazy.

I’ve just been wondering time and time again about how she would have perceived the letter. And if she did take me back, where would we be today? sometimes I miss dating her I’ll be honest. Sometimes I don’t really know whether I’m still in love with her or not. I love Simon.. but I dunno I’m just over thinking. I just wish he cared about me like her I guess . I don’t know.

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary..

Hey, so a little good news is I have no school on Monday. Sooo we got a 3 day weekend. Today’s Thursday. So not quite Friday yet. I have a math test to do soon but instead of studying here I am talking about my dumb feelings again. Also some good news is me and my best friend Cristine are gonna play life is strange together. So, I know I don’t really talk about her because I’ve been so fixated on my boyfriend and stuff, but y’know we can give the Simon talk a slight rest for a minute. I’ve been so obsessed with life is strange since it first came out like 8 years ago almost. Well, they put out this remastered version of the first and prequel game. So of course I bought it. Buttt I did wait for it because it was a bit rough at launch unfortunately.

Y’know I really hate getting so excited for a game to come out and then when it does it’s an absolute disaster. I feel like they don’t care about pushing out quality these days. But it’s been about a year now and I think the game is fixed up enough for me to enjoy it. They reanimated the characters and fixed their facial expressions and added some graphical touches to the game and the like. It’s not worth the price though. 40 bucks for both games. Sounds fair right? But not when you consider the fact that the original games are like 20 bucks together. So they doubled the price. I mean I guess it’s understandable but it really isn’t acceptable when you release a broken mess.

Anyway, yeah I bought it. And today after school I’m hoping that I could stream the game for awhile and have Cristine watch me play. I just have the feeling she’d really enjoy it. Honestly the game is so cozy feeling. I love max’s personality. I think Chloe is pretty cool, and I love the art style of the game. I remember I used to stick my hand out and pretend I was rewinding time or something. A little like how I used to pretend pencils were Harry Potter wands. Speaking of that, the new hogwarts legacy game just came out but it’s like extremely controversial because the author of the Harry Potter books is a bit of a bigot and uhhh yeah.. I’m still going to get the game for my birthday, which is coming up in April. I don’t really care about rowling’s business. Im not trying to sound rude or anything. But cmon just let me please enjoy my stupid wizard fantasy in peace.

In other news Simon and I talked about children again. Of course that didn’t turn out well. I don’t think I really want to have a child, but y’know I’m too young to really make that decision and opinion anyway. But the topic came up or something and he was talking about how he doesn’t wanna adopt or anything and I suggest he have his sister surrogate. Y’know there’s nothing really wrong with that. Im just suggesting a method that would technically work IF he wanted to have a child that was genetically accurate. Of course, he shut me down immediately after the suggestion and said it was “hella fucking weird” and this and that. Like okay calm down, it was only a hypothetical suggestion. I’m just saying if for whatever reason you DID end up wanting a kid that’s just a method. That’s all. Gosh. And to be reasonable here it’s not really that weird, at least I don’t think so.

But aside from that fiasco, I’m really wondering if he actually does want a child or not. I feel like maybe he thinks about it, but doesn’t wanna have one while in a uh.. gay relationship. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong. But it feels like if he did want a child, it would be proper. Y’know, between a man and a woman, and a typical genetically accurate child. I mean, I guess that’s not wrong to feel that way. But again I could just be wrong. He probably really doesn’t actually want a child at all and I’m just being dumb and overthinking the situation. I don’t even really want one myself at the moment anyway. So i dunno why I’m looking into it so much.

I did find it a red flag however when we talked about marriage and he said he doesn’t want to marry me. Then blames it on his family. It’s understandable? But like cmon that’s really off putting and i dunno how else to say that.

Anyway guess I’m signing off for now, I hope today turns out good.

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary..

Today is Valentine’s Day. The other night Simon and I watched some movies together. Things have been improving a lot between him and I. We’ve been having conflict and arguments for the past month. Some of the reasons I will not say. It’s a bit personal. But we’ve been talking it out, fixing it, and getting back to normal. I’m happy things are okay.

I feel that he is quite frankly my only purpose. Sure, that’s extremely cheesy on the surface, but really. This world is so scary and I feel so small. I feel so useless and worthless. I don’t really know what the point of keeping myself alive is sometimes. But.. he brings this light. This singular candle in a void of pitch darkness. I want to make it my aspiration to keep him satisfied and pleased. I’ll do whatever he requests. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep a smile on his face. I’ll take such good care of him. Hold him everyday. Cook him his favorite meals. Let him know I’m proud of him and remind him how much I love him too. No one else will ever be as determined as me. I hope he appreciates that.

I’ll make sure he never has a reason to stray from me. I can’t live without him. He’s so precious. No one understands. He’s going to love everything I just know it. I’ll help achieve his own goals, we’ll do whatever we can to get by. No matter what though, he’ll forever have me loyally by his side. Oh Simon.. I know that you’re worried about us. Our future. What we’re gonna do. Etc. just know that it’s going to be okay. I’m here for you, and together we’ll make it perfect. You and I will be happy. I’ll keep you happy. I don’t know what’ll happen after our time here is up but I know I’m gonna be with you.

[roving-boi]

Pfp reference lol

Shapes

[roving-boi]

Dear diary..

I’m living in a never ending fantasy, day and night. It’s a little embarrassing but it’s always really cheesy and hyper-romantic. I think I’ve stated that I’m a maladaptive dreamer. Maybe not, but I’ll officially state it now then. All I do is day dream, and honestly I feel like I’m not even living in reality 90-ish% of the time. God I really wish they were real. I have a whole day dream universe I’ve created just for me..

Well, lately I’ve found myself confined to one particular fantasy. You can’t blame me when the world is so scary and soul crushing. I just want to be taken care of, maybe kept in his room as his own personal servant. I’ve always dreamed of playing a stay at home housewife role. It’s really unrealistic I know. You don’t have to tell me twice. However, the fantasy in itself is so comforting. Id wear cute clothes for him, keep the house clean, cook his meals, take care of all the chores and typical duties. Id be there for him when he comes home after a long day of work or whatever he does, and comfort him whenever needed. Care for all his physical needs. In return all I really want is his validation and praise. As long as he acknowledges my efforts and appreciates them I’ll be very happy. He’d hold me close, love me, praise me and tell me how good i am for him. That’s all I want. He told me he wanted to see me in a maid dress a few times. I think that would be really cute. With some socks I’d be set haha.

In my fantasies he’s always so loving and caring.. I hope one day I can fulfill my needy dreams. I just want to lie my head down on his lap while he plays with my hair or something. I know I can’t live in a perfect romantic fantasy realistically all the time but god I wish it worked like that. Honestly, i wouldn’t ever get tired of it, but where am I going to find someone who is the same way? Id happily spend every day of my life living in a perfect romance scenario. I want all the cheesy couple stuff, the whole package. I mean hell, look at me being all girly and writing about my dumb feelings in a diary blog thing. I’m just that type of sentimental person, and I feel like nobody really appreciates that. Oh well.. I know he’s going to see my greatness.

[roving-boi]

Dear diary..

So.. basically the topic of marriage came about the other day between Simon and I. Not that long ago he said stuff about not marrying me and then the other day I kinda was like.. tell me why?? And he revealed it’s because he is unsure about how his family will feel about him marrying me. Sigh.

Well, it’s understandable, but when he had originally told me that he didn’t think about marriage, it seemed a little harsh? A little off putting. I thought maybe he didn’t want marriage because of either the process (wedding, etc) orrr.. maybe just the fact? I thought maybe it was a problem with me or something I dunno. We got a long way until we even have to really worry about marriage. But it was the way he put it that bothered me. He said stuff along the lines of “I don’t ever think about marriage” and stuff and it kind of hurt me to be honest.

I guess I know now that it’s just his parents and family he is worried about. At least that’s what I’m going to believe. Honestly if he never actually ends up marrying me over his stupid family that would be really rough. Our relationship has been a little up and down the past few weeks. I lashed out on him twice already.. just because uh.. I felt like he hasn’t been himself. I’ve known Simon for a good 5 years now, but we were mostly kinda just friends. Not really like super close or anything. We never really did grow that close. That is, until last year rolls around.. we meet up again and.. we just out of nowhere.. click. It was perfect. He was.. perfect. I was surprised. I never thought I would ever fall in love with him. Oh.. I did. I got to Know him a bit well I suppose.

We dated for a good year as I explained previously I think, it went really smooth for most of it. He was heavenly. Then.. he confessed that he was losing interest in me for some reason. We kept the relationship going for a little longer and then I guess we ended up splitting. We took a 6 month break I guess, then got back together. Since getting back together it hasn’t been so bad. It’s just, he hasn’t seemed like himself in a way. He always had this cute and happy vibe and it would always make me happy and I feel like it’s disappeared. Though since I’ve addressed my feelings to him (he didn’t take it that well at first if I’m being honest) I think it’s gotten better? I hope things turn out okay for both of us.

But back to marriage. I really look forward to moving in with him, getting stuff going and being married to him. I want him. I need him. It’s my dream.. but if he is seriously not going to do it just because of his family I don’t know what to do. I’m stressing myself out over literally nothing but damn the thought of it just makes me sink. I.. I think he really does love me. Why would he want me back? Why would he keep reassuring me that he loves me, and telling me he deeply regrets splitting? I just really overthink and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him again.. i dunno.. I’m sure things will be fine. I’m glad he’s back with me and I’m glad things are getting better right now.

[roving-boi]

I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved I just want to be loved.

[roving-boi]

Dear diary..? Blog..? Tumblr..? Fuck if I know anymore

So, I’ve just been feeling really down lately. I guess you can say that’s just normal for me anyway, but y’know it’s the holiday season. So.. seasonal depression! Yay!

Well, I’m also just sad I’m gonna have to wait to spend any holiday with my boyfriend. Simon. I haven’t introduced him yet have I? It feels a little funny reintroducing him, knowing that my other journal is just filled with pages about him.. anyway, so, we’ve known each other for a few years, but we haven’t like actually met in person. I gotta finish school, he’s gotta get ready for me to come over to him, this and that and whatever else. Just a mess kind of.

I wish I could just spend Christmas with him, just me and him. I guess I would be okay with his family, never met them or anything but they seem alright. I’ve been a little stressed about the idea of meeting them though because I’m not really sure if they are going to accept me. His family doesn’t know that we are dating.. y’know.. so it’s kind of scary. I don’t want to be like an inconvenience to him if something happens. Because.. uh.. I’m gay.. and he’s dating.. a boy. Me. Hahaha.. it will be a little while until I actually meet them or anything, we aren’t there yet, but it’s still stressful to think about. I don’t even think he came out to his parents. So they don’t even know he’s a bisexual.

It’s kinda common sense why anyone would worry about being accepted, but for me (us I guess) specifically, it’s because Simon lives uh.. in Texas. So I’m not really sure what his family lifestyle is like, or If they’re homophobic, or whatever else. Not trying to stereotype, I’m just really unsure. He also wants me to move there with him.

I mean, it’s not really a problem for me now (I suppose) but I’m still scared about that too. I remember when we first got together I was like super against the idea of moving there with him. I’ve kinda calmed down about it and at this point I’m just like fuck it, I need something new. So I’m not really against it anymore, mostly just scared about going to a new place and his family. That’s kinda it now.

But yeah, Christmas.. I just wanna be by him. I just want some positivity to my holidays for once. I feel like they always go wrong for me. I feel like they aren’t really fully enjoyable a lot of the time. Maybe if me and him can just relax and enjoy our company, do whatever else couples do on holidays, maybeeee… it would be a lot more enjoyable. I feel so dependent on him. I feel like I just can’t function without him. Maybe I really am crazy.

Well, I’ve got exams all fucking week. Let’s just hope it goes well. Then, I think I’m on Christmas break (hopefully). THEN it’s going to be 2023. I feel like 2016 was just a year ago. I don’t know where all this time went. I honestly feel like my teenage years didn’t even happen. It’s just so crazy to me. It’s already going to be 2023. Then after the new years I got a little bit of time and then boom I’m 18. I swear I was just a clueless child not too long ago. I really need to get a grip on my life soon.

[roving-boi]

Well, should I start this off with dear diary? I guess maybe so

I really love having a physical diary, I have a notebook I didn’t finish, but uh.. I dunno I just thought I should make the switch to having a digital diary. I guess it’s easier to write in.

So, I was just like, let’s make a little blog for myself huh? Tumblr it is I guess. Oh, there’s lots of great posts on here too I can save so that’s also nice. I also can have cute pink text on my entires and posts. So I think this will be a nice home for my thoughts and whatever.

I’m kind of stressed out right now. It’s currently 10 pm as I write this, I’m about to get ready to hit the hay, but tomorrow is Friday. Okay, yay, Friday.. what’s so stressful and scary about Friday? Well, next week is exams.. and that means my deadlines for all my classes are closing in on me. I have a lot of math assignments missing and I got until tues day to get ‘em in. Tomorrow I’m gonna have to squeeze in whatever time I can go get some of it done.

Then.. after exams is Christmas time. Woo.. right? Well that’s also stressful because my dad bought Christmas lights, we haven’t even put ‘em up yet and I’m just dreading the day he’s gonna be like ok let’s go put those up. He always has me do that in the freezing cold and we usually are outside for a few hours. Aside from that, I have no idea what I’m going to get for Christmas. I have the feeling something’s gonna go wrong :( but let’s just hope I make it to the new year. My birthday is in a few months. Im turning the big 18.

I would be graduating school after my birthday.. but I got held back. So I have to endure another year. I just want it to be over. I hate school so much. Id honestly rather work a job. At least I’d get paid for that.

Anyways, im gonna wrap this up. Get some sleep.. maybe update later.. I always have things to talk about haha.